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Was chatting with J.J. yesterday about girls contacting you out of the blue with a, “Hey, what’s up! How are you? We should get drinks/coffee and catch up!” message, and what this means / the right way to play it.
These contacts – whether by text, phone, social media, email, or what have you – out of the blue always seem exciting; they’re like free dates (or even a free hook up, if you’re imagining far enough ahead).
You get them and it’s, “All right! Score! This girl wants me bad!”
And then... much of the time after you reply, you never end up meeting her.
All that initial enthusiasm she had to reconnect with you simply dies down and peters out.
That might seem irritating, or mysterious, or downright vexing to you – “Who can understand a woman?” you might say.
But it all has to do with those little things called ‘intrigue’ and ‘investment’, and what happens when you have too little of them – or, how things play out when you have enough.
Comments
Moody attitude
Can someone help me on that?
I'm a generally happy person most of then time but I tend to ( according
to what I have often been told) frown and look really moody.
How to stop that? Some people say relax and smile but i will
look really dumb just smiling for nothing.
Another question which is as important(or more) as the first one:
Is this the reason why people act cold to me, why teachers tend
to be rude and unfriendly? Generally, people don't smile too much with
me as they will do, for instance, with my super friendly friend.
Will smiling more help people to see me as warmer?
Article Link
Hey Bond,
Check out the following link.
link text
Let me know if that helps,
Just Dave
How man treats himself?
How does genuine man treat himself?
King, ordinary person...?
Short answer (I guess) would be:
- Loves himself (boundaries setting, pursuing things he likes, dressing well, positive thinking etc.);
- Is vigilant (doesn't leave things to chance, pushes past comfort zone, takes care of stuff he needs to without waiting for stars to align in right order, ignores entitlement even when it's so tempting);
- Chooses life himself (no matter how much trust somebody puts in something, he doesn't agree just because it's popular or is told by somebody "wise").
I would like you to expand it to the size of article, cause it would be cool to see how man treats himself in his inner self talk.
I don't speak about inner game there, but more about how he thinks.
How he treats others may be kind of...
- Everyone is ordinary more or less
- Pretty girl? Oh, let's get to know her, what if she's waiting for somebody like me.
- Nice guy? I don't give a damn...
- Dangerous chump? Oh, I have better things to do than deal with him.
- Threat to things that matter to me? Let's see what to do, maybe sometimes it's wiser to lose a battle to win a war.
- Negative vampire? Oh come on, I will give him a task to do and if he doesn't want to change, it's his business.
- I can't change them. Will they fit to my life "as is"?
- Haters? They gonna hate, like "potatoes gonna potate", but I should take of social/physical harm they may cause to me.
Could you write on what happens in man's mind more than just that article about rebellious mind.
Noted!
Hey Anon,
I'll let chase and the other authors know about your request.
Just Dave
Hi Chase, I have a
Hi Chase, I have a question.
How do you move on and forget things that happen to you in life?
I have someone who deeply hurt me and humiliated me and I surprisingly
realize I'm tensed when I'm around this guy. Weird, right? Yes, I'm tensed
and whatever he is going to say will have a huge impact on how I feel, in contrast
to what others might say. Basically, whatever others might say won't matter much
but if he says something, I feel differently.
This seriously sucks cause I hate that guy and I hate myself even more for letting
me be affected by his actions. I just can't find freedom.
A close friend of mine told me that I have to move on, and put behind all what he did to me. But how do I stop feeling tensed around him?
Have I placed him in a superior position than me in my mind?
If so, how to find freedom?
Noted!
Hey Miles,
I'll let Chase and the other authors know about your request.
Just Dave
Reverse: How Do I Send Out a " Hey " and Get Her Out
Hey Chase,
Reversing this scenario. How would I reinitiate contact with a girl I haven't spoken to in months. I have quite a few "dead" numbers in my phone. I have a "Abby's number" (just like in the article) that I haven't spoken to in 2 years. And my ex girlfriend I cut contact with a year now.
How would I get these girls to meet up with me? I've considered sending "out of the blue" messages but didn't do it.
The reason why I didn't bother sending a text to these girls was:
1) I had other girls to think about
2) I stopped thinking of them as super interesting people.
3) I didn't decide what the end goal would be if they did respond.
Are there any articles you could point me to to answer this question? If not could you explain how a man should send out a reconnect text to a female acquaintance? Great article too I should say.
Troy
Noted!
Hey Troy,
I'll drop this in the queue for Chase and the other authors.
Just Dave
excellent post on intrigue and investment
Where was this post last week when I needed it, haha.
I ran into this exact situation with a friend I hadn't seen in years. I felt that there was something different I could've done:
1. Not agree so quickly - kills intrigue
2. Deep dive her first for investment vs going straight for logistics which again kills intrigue and tension.
3. Avoid directly telling her where I've been lately in our initial meeting and save it for our physical meeting. She assumed that I had just got back from China for some reason. Again, dynamite intrigue and mystery would have kept her thinking about me = more investment.
Long story short, I flubbed logistics and leading. Missed the date and she left for Mexico. No biggie though, I have new tools for next time.
Thanks, chase! Interesting ideas to test next time.
Irony
Hey Anon,
The good news is at least you have this knowledge for next time. I hope things go well for you in the future.
Take care,
Just Dave
So, a girl who I called a
So, a girl who I called a couple of times two years ago and didn't answer my calls comes across me on the street, and the next day she texts me.
After a day, she tells me to go have a drink with her and her friend. I tell her "today is not a good day, maybe some other time". I showed her I was not head over clouds for her.
Next day I tell her to make it up to her by taking her out for a drink. She agrees, but when we meet, she does something that's even worse than bringing her friend after notifying you beforehand. She tells me that her friend works at a place and we should go there and keep her company. So lame.
Turns out she was just attention whoring. So I texted her for five more days and when I told her we should meet again she didn't even reply. So I just nexted her.
Only thing I regret is that I fed her ego for those 10 days that I spent my time on her, and I actually dropped mine really low. Should've ignored her from the beginning, or at least right away after the date.
Texting Nuances
Great post Chase! I can see a few instances where this would've been useful. Also great advice on here overall, you really get into the details of it and keep it simple, which I like! Couple of questions.
How would you respond if she gets back in touch with "Hi, how's it going?". Similar process?
1.Get her a bit intrigued and invested.
2.Followed by "that's great that you've been up to such and such, let's have a proper catchup over drinks sometime" i.e rewarding her investment with asking her out.
How would you get back in touch with someone you've hooked up with once in the past (say 2-3 months ago)
1. Would you shoot her a "Hey, how's it going?" get her invested by asking her a few questions about what she's been up to followed by a date proposition.
2. Be direct and cut straight to it with "Hey, whats up, how's it going? we should get drinks and catch up!"
Virgin girls
Hey I was wondering if tou guys could make a post on taking a girls virginity. It'd be an interesting concept that's yet to be discussed on this website. Thanks :)
Article Link
Hey Darkwing,
Check out the following article.
Virgins
Let me know if that helps,
Just Dave
Inferiority Complex
Chase, could you explain how to overcome an inferiority complex? I know you probably haven't experienced it personally but please try to explain how to beat it. It would sincerely be helpful.
Noted!
Hey Anon,
I'll let you chase and the other authors know about your request.
Just Dave
Inferiority complex
I'm no expert or anything, but I have an idea on this.
Conventional way would be to say "Stop comparing yourself to others" which as most conventional wisdom rarely works.
What I feel could be useful is playing some kind of "game of criteria".
You say you're worse than anybody else, but is it really the case? Actually it's the question of criteria we choose.
You can say that you're worse than me at maths, at French and stuff, but actually we have the same 24 hours and we do some things less, some things more. Maybe you're not that good at socializing, but maybe you're good at playing piano, or playing your favorite game. Society values socializing experience more than one of playing video games, but is it actually the thing that makes you worse? Who is there to decide that you're better or worse...?
You can take some businessman and he may be poorer at football than you. You can take some poor dude who makes no money... But can beat you at naming TV programs he watched... It's kind of game of what criteria you apply.
It isn't that you're worse than anyone. Most folks (if not all) grow thinking that other people have more exciting lives... I have seen some article on events and processes written by Chase some time ago, you may check it out for this idea.
And next time you see a girl remember: she spends plenty of time in front of the mirror, worrying about how others will see her looks, building her reputation of "I am not a slut" while having sexual beast inside...
All people are kinda in the same boat. We all have good times, we all sometimes suck. We know something better than others and something worse.
You can stop this and think of it as "I will teach him dance and he will teach me maths" kind of thing. Maybe not explicitly, but remember that you can always teach somebody a thing or two, and someone else can teach you something worth your time too.
Have fun, life's too short for self-pity.
Take it from a guy who spent too much time in your place.
Post Sex Catch Up Message?
Awesome article, finally understand the psychology of the "catch up" message now, which is why I love this site, the why... not just the what/how :) Text message examples are awesome as well to get the vibe of communication.
What if you have had sex with her in the past and she sends this catch up message? Would the response be the same as in this article, regardless of time lapsed from last time of sex?
Yes
Hey Kael,
Yes, I would keep it the same as to not sound over eager. You want to keep and play it cool.
Just Dave
Low on Interest
Hey Chase
I pretty much agree with what you said above. The thing which I'm interested to know is that whether should you move things forward regardless of your interest in a girl just for the sake of experience or should you call it off?
In detail, I believe I'm still beginner but I have got my fundamentals handle pretty much. This girl saw me, stalked me, got my information, send me friend request on Facebook even sent me message which I didn't see and all this happened even before I know this girl exist. So you can say that this girl "preheated" herself and so it took me less time to cook the meal;) Anyway when my friend finally introduced me to her I knew this girl has been stalking me so I quickly move things forward with her, got number on same day, I skipped telephonic conversation and made it look like I'm really busy guy which helped me to arrange a date with her within 2 days as the girl was excited to talk to me.
So the date went well, did some touching, deep dive, chase framing etc. She wanted one more but as the things came too easy I completely loose interest in her to the point that even mere thought of texting her wasn't much exciting for me.
I actually lack sexual experience but as I have lost interest in her I' like to know what you would suggest? To move things forward anyway for experience or just let it go.
Thanks in Advance
Another Great Post
Chase, your site and content has changed my life. Because of your site, I broke up with my long distance girlfriend and have been improving with women every day. I'm still working on getting better at approaching, but all my interactions with women have substantially improved.
I don't even get friendzoned anymore, because as soon as it starts happening, I drop her and put my time into something more substantial.
Anyway, I really didn't know what to do when getting a reconnecting text, and now I do. All you need to do is get them to invest.
So thanks for absolutely everything, and know that you're improving men's lives daily.
Chase I have a random question for you..
Im heavily introverted and sometimes it makes it tough to meet lots of new women, but I've been getting better at it. I keep finding though that it is easier for me to attract more extroverted women. This seems to make it harder for me after we sleep together, ESPECIALLY if its on the first or second DATE. It seems that right after, she'll want to hangout everyday and stay much more connected. Being a low energy-type person I struggle keeping up. It's very easy for me to sort of slip off the grid if I'm not careful. It almost makes me want to break it off with her, but I don't want her to think it was bad or that I'm personally avoiding her.
Any advise??
Article Link
Hey Nate,
Happy new year! Please check out the following article link. Particularly about the piece on the "brooding" man.
3 Flavors of Men
Take care,
Just Dave
Second date chances!
Hello mr. Chase, I wanted to thank you for all of your posts and information, they got me to build up the guts to go out with a beautifull girl I met at work.
I work as a waiter and she left me her phone number. I called her 3 days later to arange the meeting and we got together and chatted for 3 hours untill she said that we should get going. I was tipping the conversation in her favour talking about litterature and books since she was a 5th year in college studying French and Italian. We talked about famous writers, good books and our overall opinions about the books. She was always smiling and playing with her hair. In our conversation she noted that she lives alone and asked me if I did aswelll. Unfortunately I knew where this was going and I did not want to just have a one nigth stand with such a intreagueing and overall loveable girl but rather wanted to see her again. At the end of the date she said I will call you. Now the question.
When a girl tells a guy I will call you, does she really mean it or is it just a way to say you had your shot and didn't take the opertunity. The date was 5 hours ago and I am trying to look in retrospective about what I migth have done wrong. I will admit that I do not like to "bed" woman on the first date and I hope this will not reflect on my chances to get to know her better. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
With highest regards Ivan.
Brilliant!
Had an out-of-the-blue text today and thought "I know I saw the perfect article on this site somewhere!" Thanks Chase.
One question: How much "saying nothing of yourself" can you get away with? She asked repeatedly what I'm up to these days, I thought ignoring the question completely would be plain rude so I just gave a vague answer and went straight into figuring out her schedule. Seemed to work as she's coming to meet up with me. But is it better to go balls out and ignore completely?
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