I’ve been seeing more of the writers and senior members on the discussion boards reminding guys that you must assume attraction recently. This is one of those things that comes second nature when you’re farther along the path of doing great with girls, but can be an odd piece of advice to encounter when you’re new.
“Assume attraction” is a necessary ingredient in your seductions if you want those seductions to get anywhere. It’s what stops you from spending endless time deliberating about whether a girl is interested or not, whether she likes you, and whether you ought to advance things with her... or not.
What happens is that most newer guys do not assume attraction, and instead spend their time looking for signs of attraction instead (without being all that adept at reading these signs).
They are waiting for women to signal to them that they should move forward with their seductions.
Yet, for similar reasons to what we covered in “The Paradox of the Flirty Girl” for why you shouldn’t put too much stock in flirtation, if you’re sitting there trying to figure out if she likes you before you do anything, you’re going to fall flat.
You’re going to miss out on 95% of the women who really do like you.
Because most of the time, they’re going to be too busy being attracted to you to worry about signaling to you that they are.
One Thing It’s Safe to Assume
It’s usually not good form to get in the habit of assuming things... that’s because much of the time, assumption only leads to inaccurate beliefs about the world.
However, there are some things you pretty much need to assume, or you’ll go crazy with doubt, hesitation, indecision, and second-guessing.
One of these things you must simply assume is there is attraction.
Why? Because most women just aren’t going to come out and tell you they like you.
Some of them will give you hints. Some of them won’t. Some of them
will hint they like you when they really just want you as a friend,
while others will behave indifferently toward you while secretly
burning with desire to be with you. If you’re waiting for women to tell
you they like you, instead of just assuming
they do, you’re in for some very uneventful days and evenings with them.
A number of times I have had the experience of having women act bored or disinterested around me, or even actively telling me things like, “I don’t really like you,” or, “You’re not the kind of guy I like,” yet within an hour or two I’ve slept with them. In the moment when receiving the seeming-rejection, the thought process I have is typically like this:
“Whoa, that was harsh... guess it’s done, then.”
“Wait, she’s still hanging around and not leaving, though she keeps VERBALLY being bitchy and difficult.”
“Okay, I’ve got to just assume she’s attracted and that this snippiness is really just horniness, and do my best to keep moving things ahead with her regardless.”
That’s an extreme example. And there’s a difference between a girl who rejects you and who then immediately creates distance with you, than one who says something verbally dismissive while still giving you her attention, or only partially turning away from you.
But there are plenty of other times you’ll do well to assume attraction too:
See a pretty girl walking down the street? Assume she will be attracted to you – go say “hi.”
Seems like the girl standing a few feet away from you is tossing approach invitations your way? Assume that’s what they are, because she’s interested – and go open.
Cute girl in social circle cornered you to get you into conversation? Assume she’s interested – and see where you can take things
You’re stumbling all over yourself with a girl, but she’s still hanging around and smiling? Assume she likes you too much to care – and get moving faster with her
Going to text a girl and ask her for a date? Don’t get all twisted up trying to figure out if you need to re-interest her in you – just assume she already is and ask her out
You will not always be correct. In fact, sometimes you will try to move things forward with girls you assume are into you, only to find that they will not comply. Doesn’t matter. The point is assuming attraction anyway to get yourself juiced enough to take the shot no matter what things seem like initially.
The Overconfidence Effect
I’m generally allergic to all the “just be confident!” people, who throw around confidence advice as the path to success with little detail given to how to acquire that confidence (”Just be successful!” “Just make your first million, and it’s easy from there!”), while acting like confidence without the skills to back that confidence up is all you need, because the skill set is a distant second to the confidence.
Yet... confidence itself actually IS an attractive trait socially, and one that conveys authority upon its bearers and ups both trust and attraction from women.
And pride – extreme self-assurance – is the most attractive expression of all in men.
What ends up happening is that by assuming attraction, you actually increase women’s attraction for you by displaying a sort of sexual bravado in how confident you are that yes, clearly, this woman must want you.
Now, obviously, if she isn’t interested in you at all and your fundamentals aren’t on lock (that is, you’re coming across unattractive and creepy), no amount of confidence in the world is going to help here, and actually may make things worse (”That creepy guy is so confident I want him – UGH!”).
But if you are a reasonably attractive guy... and if she likes you, at least a little, or finds you a little intriguing... self-assurance in your attractiveness to her is another intrigue switch for her – often a BIG one.
Big enough that it can snap her out of autopilot, and make her say, “Wait, I was rude to this guy... why’s he still acting like he thinks I like him? DO I like him? Hmm... he’s got some confidence, this guy!”
And then you’re off to the races.
Not a Magic Pill
Assuming attraction is not a magic pill for making women who didn’t want you previously change their minds to want you now. Instead, it’s more of a necessary mindset for finding the women you like who like you too while filtering out the ones who aren’t interested.
Imagine two girls, dealt with two different ways:
Girl A is friendly and sociable and flirty, but not interested
Girl B is reserved, cool, and aloof, but interested
In scenario #1, you do not assume attraction.
If you do not assume attraction, you will wait until you’re certain a girl is interested before doing anything crazy or bold. Chances are, your instincts will tell you that you should flirt with Girl A, and stay neutral with Girl B. Of course, since Girl A isn’t showing you any interest beyond flirtation, you also won’t try for anything beyond that, since you can’t safely assume she likes you more than flirtation.
Thus, without assuming attraction, you get hung up at flirting with Girl A, who’s happy to flirt with you and keep you around as an orbiter in the friend zone (or, in this case perhaps, the “fan zone”), and completely ignore Girl B, who’s sad you didn’t make any attempts with her, but eventually moves on and finds someone else cute to crush on instead.
In scenario #2, you do assume attraction.
When you do assume attraction, you automatically assume that Girl A is friendly, probably because she’s very into you. You also assume that Girl B is aloof because she’s just not super sociable... but she’s probably very into you too.
So, what do you do? You immediately start treating both women like women you’re going to date, get to know intimately, and take to bed. You begin progressing the interactions with Girls A and B – asking them to come sit with you, getting into intimate one-on-one conversation, inviting them home or inviting them to meet up with you on a date – only for Girl A to squirm out of going any further, or get uncomfortable and bow out. Apparently, she was only being social – well, that’s why we assume attraction, to smoke those girls out! Girl B, on the other hand, despite her aloofness, comes along with you, complies, and warms up more and more as you progress the interaction further and further. She’d been waiting for a cute guy like you who actually knew what to do with her, and now she’s thrilled she finally found you.
That’s why you assume attraction.
Guilty Until Proven Innocent
Another way of thinking about the “assume attraction” mentality is thinking of every woman you meet as “guilty until proven innocent”... guilty of finding you blindingly, ravishingly, unspeakably attractive, that is.
You’ll find there are two mindsets among men:
Innocent Until Proven Guilty: attraction is not assumed. This is the mindset of inexperienced and unconfident men, who do things like tell themselves, “No, she was probably just adjusting her hair,” when they catch girls flipping their locks around them, or, “She probably has a boyfriend,” when that cute girl across the way seems to be eyeing them. To this man, interest in him must be PROVEN before it can be accepted as being there.
Guilty Until Proven Innocent: attraction is assumed. If she’s dressed nice, it’s because she was hoping to meet her Dream Guy that day – in other words, him. If she’s fixing her hair, it’s because she’s noticed him. If she’s standing with erect posture, it’s because she wants to make sure he notices her breasts and butt sticking out and checks out her figure. To this man, interest in him is ASSUMED TO BE THERE until he’s seen otherwise from her.
But that second one... isn’t that a little... unrealistic and extreme? This is what I hear from inexperienced, unconfident men when discussing this with them (experienced, confident men just smile and nod their heads).
If you say this around women on the Internet, they will chastise you for it: “How can you be SO pigheaded and egotistical to think that every woman WANTS you? Probably NO woman wants you!” If you say it around them in person – and you are a charming, attractive man – they will give you a more demure response, and say, “Well, not EVERY girl likes you...” (to which you can respond with a seductive gaze and say, “Are you sure?”, and they giggle).
The fact is, these simply are different mindsets. Both the “innocent until proven guilty” guy and the “guilty until proven innocent guy” KNOW that some women out there are interested in them, and some women out there aren’t.
As a fact, they know it.
But as for what they believe, emotionally? “Every girl wants me,” says the man who assumes attraction; “Women just like me as a friend, or are too busy to have me in their lives,” says the man who does not.
And his reality reflects his belief.
Can You Learn to Assume Attraction?
I’ll admit – even when I sucked with women, I just assumed they all wanted me but I simply didn’t know the right way to unlock that attraction. I grew up having pretty girls chase me, at least, even if I didn’t do so hot with them for a while, so I never had to deal with feeling unwanted.
Certainly a healthy chunk of this mindset is just due to your life experiences, and you won’t get it fully ironed out and concrete until you’ve made yourself sufficiently attractive to women that they really do all seem to like you.
However... while I don’t normally advise trying to tweak your inner workings too much, and instead just focus on doing right actions and letting your beliefs bubble up as a result of the outcomes of those actions, this is one I think is worth meditating on if you don’t have it.
If you do not assume attraction... if you assume women are NOT attracted to you... you need to work on reversing this belief.
How do you do that? I’d suggest you go with visualization and verbalization.
When you see a girl, imagine her responding very warmly to you
Then say to yourself, “That girl wants me so bad”
I’ve used this at times with particularly beautiful or vivacious girls when my confidence failed me and needed a kick in the pants... imagining it, followed by verbalizing it, can at least make it a fun or funny enough situation that you will then take a stab at things to see what happens. And when it works – which, at least some of the time, it usually will – all you get is reinforcement for your assumptions.
While the best way to holding the “assume attraction” mindset is through lots of success with girls very visibly showing you their interest, you can prod yourself along by visualizing and verbalizing.
That way, you stop writing yourself off like the “innocent until proven guilty” guy does... presuming himself to NOT be a sexual threat.
You should be presuming the exact opposite: that you are dripping with desirability, and every woman in a three-mile radius wants a piece of that.
Don’t believe it yet? Start training yourself up TO believe it; it’s one of the most beneficial mindsets for your progress you can have.