Why You Absolutely Need to Assume Attraction with Women


I’ve been seeing more of the writers and senior members on the discussion boards reminding guys that you must assume attraction recently. This is one of those things that comes second nature when you’re farther along the path of doing great with girls, but can be an odd piece of advice to encounter when you’re new.

“Assume attraction” is a necessary ingredient in your seductions if you want those seductions to get anywhere. It’s what stops you from spending endless time deliberating about whether a girl is interested or not, whether she likes you, and whether you ought to advance things with her... or not.

assume attraction

What happens is that most newer guys do not assume attraction, and instead spend their time looking for signs of attraction instead (without being all that adept at reading these signs).

They are waiting for women to signal to them that they should move forward with their seductions.

Yet, for similar reasons to what we covered in “The Paradox of the Flirty Girl” for why you shouldn’t put too much stock in flirtation, if you’re sitting there trying to figure out if she likes you before you do anything, you’re going to fall flat.

You’re going to miss out on 95% of the women who really do like you.

Because most of the time, they’re going to be too busy being attracted to you to worry about signaling to you that they are.


One Thing It’s Safe to Assume

It’s usually not good form to get in the habit of assuming things... that’s because much of the time, assumption only leads to inaccurate beliefs about the world.

However, there are some things you pretty much need to assume, or you’ll go crazy with doubt, hesitation, indecision, and second-guessing.

One of these things you must simply assume is there is attraction.

Why? Because most women just aren’t going to come out and tell you they like you.

Some of them will give you hints. Some of them won’t. Some of them will hint they like you when they really just want you as a friend, while others will behave indifferently toward you while secretly burning with desire to be with you. If you’re waiting for women to tell you they like you, instead of just assuming they do, you’re in for some very uneventful days and evenings with them.

A number of times I have had the experience of having women act bored or disinterested around me, or even actively telling me things like, “I don’t really like you,” or, “You’re not the kind of guy I like,” yet within an hour or two I’ve slept with them. In the moment when receiving the seeming-rejection, the thought process I have is typically like this:

  1. “Whoa, that was harsh... guess it’s done, then.”

  2. “Wait, she’s still hanging around and not leaving, though she keeps VERBALLY being bitchy and difficult.”

  3. “Okay, I’ve got to just assume she’s attracted and that this snippiness is really just horniness, and do my best to keep moving things ahead with her regardless.”

That’s an extreme example. And there’s a difference between a girl who rejects you and who then immediately creates distance with you, than one who says something verbally dismissive while still giving you her attention, or only partially turning away from you.

But there are plenty of other times you’ll do well to assume attraction too:

  • See a pretty girl walking down the street? Assume she will be attracted to you – go say “hi.”

  • Seems like the girl standing a few feet away from you is tossing approach invitations your way? Assume that’s what they are, because she’s interested – and go open.

  • Cute girl in social circle cornered you to get you into conversation? Assume she’s interested – and see where you can take things

  • You’re stumbling all over yourself with a girl, but she’s still hanging around and smiling? Assume she likes you too much to care – and get moving faster with her

  • Going to text a girl and ask her for a date? Don’t get all twisted up trying to figure out if you need to re-interest her in you – just assume she already is and ask her out

You will not always be correct. In fact, sometimes you will try to move things forward with girls you assume are into you, only to find that they will not comply. Doesn’t matter. The point is assuming attraction anyway to get yourself juiced enough to take the shot no matter what things seem like initially.


The Overconfidence Effect

assume attractionI’m generally allergic to all the “just be confident!” people, who throw around confidence advice as the path to success with little detail given to how to acquire that confidence (”Just be successful!” “Just make your first million, and it’s easy from there!”), while acting like confidence without the skills to back that confidence up is all you need, because the skill set is a distant second to the confidence.

Yet... confidence itself actually IS an attractive trait socially, and one that conveys authority upon its bearers and ups both trust and attraction from women.

And pride – extreme self-assurance – is the most attractive expression of all in men.

What ends up happening is that by assuming attraction, you actually increase women’s attraction for you by displaying a sort of sexual bravado in how confident you are that yes, clearly, this woman must want you.

Now, obviously, if she isn’t interested in you at all and your fundamentals aren’t on lock (that is, you’re coming across unattractive and creepy), no amount of confidence in the world is going to help here, and actually may make things worse (”That creepy guy is so confident I want him – UGH!”).

But if you are a reasonably attractive guy... and if she likes you, at least a little, or finds you a little intriguing... self-assurance in your attractiveness to her is another intrigue switch for her – often a BIG one.

Big enough that it can snap her out of autopilot, and make her say, “Wait, I was rude to this guy... why’s he still acting like he thinks I like him? DO I like him? Hmm... he’s got some confidence, this guy!”

And then you’re off to the races.


Not a Magic Pill

Assuming attraction is not a magic pill for making women who didn’t want you previously change their minds to want you now. Instead, it’s more of a necessary mindset for finding the women you like who like you too while filtering out the ones who aren’t interested.

Imagine two girls, dealt with two different ways:

  • Girl A is friendly and sociable and flirty, but not interested

  • Girl B is reserved, cool, and aloof, but interested

In scenario #1, you do not assume attraction.

If you do not assume attraction, you will wait until you’re certain a girl is interested before doing anything crazy or bold. Chances are, your instincts will tell you that you should flirt with Girl A, and stay neutral with Girl B. Of course, since Girl A isn’t showing you any interest beyond flirtation, you also won’t try for anything beyond that, since you can’t safely assume she likes you more than flirtation.

Thus, without assuming attraction, you get hung up at flirting with Girl A, who’s happy to flirt with you and keep you around as an orbiter in the friend zone (or, in this case perhaps, the “fan zone”), and completely ignore Girl B, who’s sad you didn’t make any attempts with her, but eventually moves on and finds someone else cute to crush on instead.

In scenario #2, you do assume attraction.

When you do assume attraction, you automatically assume that Girl A is friendly, probably because she’s very into you. You also assume that Girl B is aloof because she’s just not super sociable... but she’s probably very into you too.

So, what do you do? You immediately start treating both women like women you’re going to date, get to know intimately, and take to bed. You begin progressing the interactions with Girls A and B – asking them to come sit with you, getting into intimate one-on-one conversation, inviting them home or inviting them to meet up with you on a date – only for Girl A to squirm out of going any further, or get uncomfortable and bow out. Apparently, she was only being social – well, that’s why we assume attraction, to smoke those girls out! Girl B, on the other hand, despite her aloofness, comes along with you, complies, and warms up more and more as you progress the interaction further and further. She’d been waiting for a cute guy like you who actually knew what to do with her, and now she’s thrilled she finally found you.

That’s why you assume attraction.


Guilty Until Proven Innocent

assume attractionAnother way of thinking about the “assume attraction” mentality is thinking of every woman you meet as “guilty until proven innocent”... guilty of finding you blindingly, ravishingly, unspeakably attractive, that is.

You’ll find there are two mindsets among men:

  1. Innocent Until Proven Guilty: attraction is not assumed. This is the mindset of inexperienced and unconfident men, who do things like tell themselves, “No, she was probably just adjusting her hair,” when they catch girls flipping their locks around them, or, “She probably has a boyfriend,” when that cute girl across the way seems to be eyeing them. To this man, interest in him must be PROVEN before it can be accepted as being there.

  2. Guilty Until Proven Innocent: attraction is assumed. If she’s dressed nice, it’s because she was hoping to meet her Dream Guy that day – in other words, him. If she’s fixing her hair, it’s because she’s noticed him. If she’s standing with erect posture, it’s because she wants to make sure he notices her breasts and butt sticking out and checks out her figure. To this man, interest in him is ASSUMED TO BE THERE until he’s seen otherwise from her.

But that second one... isn’t that a little... unrealistic and extreme? This is what I hear from inexperienced, unconfident men when discussing this with them (experienced, confident men just smile and nod their heads).

If you say this around women on the Internet, they will chastise you for it: “How can you be SO pigheaded and egotistical to think that every woman WANTS you? Probably NO woman wants you!” If you say it around them in person – and you are a charming, attractive man – they will give you a more demure response, and say, “Well, not EVERY girl likes you...” (to which you can respond with a seductive gaze and say, “Are you sure?”, and they giggle).

The fact is, these simply are different mindsets. Both the “innocent until proven guilty” guy and the “guilty until proven innocent guy” KNOW that some women out there are interested in them, and some women out there aren’t.

As a fact, they know it.

But as for what they believe, emotionally? “Every girl wants me,” says the man who assumes attraction; “Women just like me as a friend, or are too busy to have me in their lives,” says the man who does not.

And his reality reflects his belief.


Can You Learn to Assume Attraction?

I’ll admit – even when I sucked with women, I just assumed they all wanted me but I simply didn’t know the right way to unlock that attraction. I grew up having pretty girls chase me, at least, even if I didn’t do so hot with them for a while, so I never had to deal with feeling unwanted.

Certainly a healthy chunk of this mindset is just due to your life experiences, and you won’t get it fully ironed out and concrete until you’ve made yourself sufficiently attractive to women that they really do all seem to like you.

However... while I don’t normally advise trying to tweak your inner workings too much, and instead just focus on doing right actions and letting your beliefs bubble up as a result of the outcomes of those actions, this is one I think is worth meditating on if you don’t have it.

If you do not assume attraction... if you assume women are NOT attracted to you... you need to work on reversing this belief.

How do you do that? I’d suggest you go with visualization and verbalization.

That is:

  1. When you see a girl, imagine her responding very warmly to you

  2. Then say to yourself, “That girl wants me so bad”

I’ve used this at times with particularly beautiful or vivacious girls when my confidence failed me and needed a kick in the pants... imagining it, followed by verbalizing it, can at least make it a fun or funny enough situation that you will then take a stab at things to see what happens. And when it works – which, at least some of the time, it usually will – all you get is reinforcement for your assumptions.

While the best way to holding the “assume attraction” mindset is through lots of success with girls very visibly showing you their interest, you can prod yourself along by visualizing and verbalizing.

That way, you stop writing yourself off like the “innocent until proven guilty” guy does... presuming himself to NOT be a sexual threat.

You should be presuming the exact opposite: that you are dripping with desirability, and every woman in a three-mile radius wants a piece of that.

Don’t believe it yet? Start training yourself up TO believe it; it’s one of the most beneficial mindsets for your progress you can have.

Ciao,
Chase

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Comments

J.B's picture

Saw a gorgeous girl i knew


Saw a gorgeous girl i knew from school i asked out once working at a store. I don't know if she recognizes me from those days but she looks my way hard when i'm not looking then looks away after a second or two. She rejected me back then, is it possible to be seen in a different light even after a crappy rejection, especially after a good 5yrs?

Chase Amante's picture

5 Years Later

Author

J.B.-

That's why they call them rose-colored glasses!

People's lives change, and they themselves change. If you've improved yourself a lot since then and look better and come across better, she may well see you as a different person now.

Chase

PotentialAnimal's picture

My unusual problem...


Hi Chase,

I'm a 15 year old guy from The Netherlands who stumbled upon this site around 6 months ago. I'm glad I did, because you and all the other writers have helped me grow in ways beyond what I could imagine, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Now on to my problem.

In the first article I read on woman I already noticed that the information was aimed at men at least 3 years older than me (I didn't really have this problem with the stuff on social life, though). You are of course not to blame for this; I don't even think I should be reading this stuff with my age :)
I could just feel that the girls of my age are worlds away from the woman that you approach, in experience, confidence, how willing they are sexually, how they give signals etc. Because of this, there is one thing that has really stood in my way: cold approaching. You could say I have a sort of love-hate relationship with the idea of actually approaching random girls; I'd love to go beyond my social circle (which is the accepted method of getting girls in teenage land), but I'd hate it should it blow up in my face because of the differences between the woman that you describe in your articles and the girls of my age.
I'm not certain if you could help me with this, but if you have any information regarding what I should look out for with girls of my age, what the differences are with the woman on this site, which techniques I should use and which I should wait with, and mainly if I should cold approach girls of my age at all, I would be happy if you could share it.

Thanks for listening!

Chase Amante's picture

Younger Cold Approach

Author

PA-

I don't have any experience with cold approach at your age, though we've had several guys posting on the discussion boards who were cold approaching in high school, including guys focused on approaching older women.

This post by one of our senior members might be a good place to start: "High School Pick Up."

Chase

Alcaeus's picture

Humor


Chase, do us a solid. Can we get something up on the different levels of humor. I personally have been experimenting with it to offset my brooding, jaded vibe. However, I feel that sometimes I steer too far into funny and it just comes off as GOOFY, which is a nuke to attraction. I know you mentioned that you developed your humor so I feel you could shed some light on this topic as well.

-Alcay

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Humor

Author

Alcay-

I know, it's one everybody wants! I'll try and get it up soon (been saying that for a while, I realize).

A big part of the difference between goofy and witty is the delivery. Goofy tends to have an over-the-top delivery with more facial expressions / smiles / waiting for a response, whereas witty and understated tends to make a sly comment and then maybe do an eyebrow shrug + look to the side, or sometimes even just keep rolling with the conversation as if it was nothing.

Goofy humor also usually is accompanied by a guy seeming to "light up" at some point when he realizes something funny he can say, and by the time it's his turn to talk you can end up feeling like he'd just been waiting for you to finish so he could deliver his zinger. That's another thing about it - it usually doesn't perfectly relate to the very last thing said, and seems to stem from the middle or earlier of what someone else just was saying, so it's not a completely natural flow to how it starts. That's an important insight now that I think about it... the flow is broken in goofy humor, and it's clear the guy is going for a certain reaction, whereas with wittiness the humor stems naturally from the end of whatever was last said (rather than something that was stored up and saved for the chance to be deployed), which makes it seem crisper, fresher, more spontaneous, and less reaction-seeking.

Goofiness puts a bit of pressure on the recipient too, like the one making the jokes is expecting a certain response. Wit just makes the deliverer seem clever and likable.

Those are some of the nonverbal elements. Verbally, goofy humor just takes longer to say or is more cliché or "groan worthy." Witty humor tends to be sharper, not cliché, and brief.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Spot on article Chase, keep


Spot on article Chase, keep them coming.

I was reading http://www.girlschase.com/content/meeting-girls-messy-situations-friends... and was interested in the bit you mention about mass approaching. You mention guys with 2-3 years experience that don't notice girls who are into them, but you do as you did it for 3-4 years.

How many years do you think you need to mass approach before generally targeting/screening who you approach. Seems like you suggest 4 years or so. Have I understood right?

Thanks

Chase Amante's picture

Learning to Target

Author

Anon-

I think it depends a lot on focus, and how much analysis you put into breaking down your night after the fact. Even when I started out, because I'm an efficiency fanatic, any time I found myself startled by a girl's reception to me (positive or negative), I'd stop and say, "Okay, that surprised me - is there anything about her that I misread or signals I missed?" There's almost always at least one, and the next time you see that signal you can approach another girl with a different expectation and see if you're right or wrong. You start getting a good sense reasonably quickly for what girls are going to be more open to you if you're going out a lot and paying attention constantly.

The example from that article wasn't meant to imply you'll have no ability to read how receptive women are until you're 4 years steeped in the game; I coached my first in-field student in mid-2007 when I'd really only been hardcore approaching for a year-and-a-half, and I was able to point out enough girls open to meeting someone to him that he eventually found one of them to take home (first girl he'd ever been alone with). What I was highlighting there was rather that you will meet guys with 2 or 3 years of approaching who think they know all there is to know, but if you're more experienced you can point to a girl and say, "I'll bet she's open," with reasonable certainty that they will think is closed off (this is especially true with guys who've always tried to target and never really done mass approach; they never approach girls they think won't talk to them, so they never learn which of their reads are false negatives and don't realize they're ruling out the girls they rule out because they never go say hi to them and find out otherwise).

Chase

Jonas's picture

Hello, Mr. Amante, I see a


Hello, Mr. Amante,
I see a patern in your articles of this kind and that is, you will grow to certain believe or em.. "topic of an article" as you progress with people. Thing is, I sometimes used this with female friends after we had some great outing, so my expectations were it will be a lot of fun again next time. We met a week later and she was cold, did not really want to talk and it ruined it for me. And that coldness poisoned me. I mean, you assume something, the reality is different and you crash. So as an unconfident guy I cant really do this because I have nothing to back it up. I was always a friend because I knew I am a great friend so.. well... you know.

Anyways, as I overheard some guys in the gym today, they kept talking about girls, who hooks up with who and I realized how I suck at this. They talked very deeply about it, had fun, mentioned some other friend who has many girls in different towns and keeps expanding his girl-base. Also, television and serials taught me that in relationships you share a lot of stuff and I realized how people stop talking to me after some time. We lose contact, it seems natural, but I think the problem is they realize I am boring and that I really suck. Is there a way to postpone this? What should I talk about with people to keep them interested in me? I see a patern in other people, they talk about life experiences and I am more of guy who wants others to know him. So I guess they get to know me, see I am a loser and go find other person. Or should I say things only to relate to others while asking things about them?

I am sorry for many questions. I try to find a path in life right now and I think I need some answers to decide what to do first.

Thank you,
Jonas

Chase Amante's picture

Being Interesting

Author

Jonas-

Well, to be interesting, you must do interesting things. Have adventures, try new things, go exploring. The broader your pool of interests and experiences, the broader the pool of people you will be able to connect with; the narrower these are, the narrower that pool will be. Most people have a range of things they're interested in, and once you have sufficiently broad experiences you'll find you can connect with everyone; but, it takes time to build this up, and it takes a fair bit of opening yourself up to different experiences and different people.

I'd suggest checking these articles out for some perspective on doing this, as well as how to connect with people you might not share a lot of interests with offhand:

On that poisoning coldness, there's not much to say other than go get more practice in until you start having good experiences (which will quickly overwrite the bad ones in your mind - I've been rejected tons of times, and in particular when I was first learning pickup I had a really rough time of it, but almost none of those can I even remember - all I notice when I think back are the successes and notable near misses), and:

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Advice


Great article Chase, I think this is one very important mindset to have and so a very important post.

I have a few question if you wouldn't mind:

1) You always say how being sexually verbal with a girl is not really your style, instead you stick to subtlety and ramp up her excitement slowly but surely in a more sophisticated and effective manner. Which I agree with, my style is the same. I find being overly sexual with girls verbally is almost too big a screen which screens out girls who would have otherwise been interested.

How do you deal with GIRLS being sexually verbal/suggestive with you especially when it's blatant. Do you try and get to convo back on track or what?

And what does it MEAN when a girl is being sexually verbal with you? Should I take this as a sign to move things forward quickly?

2) What do you do when you've run your process and deep dived all the major topics and really feel like you know a girl, you've upped the sexual vibe, done abit of chase framing but now your running out of meaningful topics to talk about and you don't feel as though she is ready to be pulled? What do you do? Give it a go and what happens?

3) How do you usually reply when girls ask you:

'How many girls have you slept with'
'If you are currently single'

4) Other than understating your current employment and promoting scarcity how else can you disqualify yourself as a boyfriend? I take it understating employment AND promoting scarcity combined with a sexual vibe is usually enough, but what other methods are there?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Advice

Author

Anon-

When a girl's the first one to be explicitly sexual, either she's a big flirt / tease who likes to lead men on and feel powerful this way (since most guys go nuts the moment any girl gets sexual with them), and/or she's used to making guys get batty around her and since you don't seem to be reacting she's going to pull out the big guns... or, occasionally, it can mean that she's very into you and is trying to signal her interest to you very loudly (if she sees herself as much lower status than you and basically just wants to say, "Here I am; come take me," or if she's a little uninhibited or drunk and thinks you aren't moving fast enough and need a push).

Generally, when I get this, I'll throw some innuendo back if it's appropriate, hang on chatting with her for a few more minutes, and then immediately move the interaction to the next step as soon as it isn't going to seem reactive of me to do so (usually 2 to 4 minutes later).

If she was a tease, she'll bail; if it's what she wanted, she'll be thrilled.

As for pulling, if you've run out of things to talk about, then yes, it's time to pull. If you're new, this may not work and the reason you're running out of things to say is you just need to sharpen your skills; if you're not so new, and conversation's stalling out, this can be because the girl is just tired of talking and wants you to escalate. Best to assume it's the latter and act accordingly; even if it isn't, a girl you've run out of conversation with who also won't move forward with you isn't anyone you'll get anywhere with anyway.

For "how many girls have you slept with": "What do you think? Take a guess." Then whatever she says, tell her that's close and go one or two over. If she won't guess, shrug your shoulders and move on with the conversation. If she insists to know, insist she guess; otherwise, don't answer. It's too easy to botch this one by picking a number only for it to be too high for her (you're some crazy unrelatable sexual deviant) or too low (you're some wet-behind the ears innocent school boy compared to her); don't answer unless she gives you her guess, which is 90% of the time going to be right around her own partner count. Go a little above, and you're as "sane" and "normal" to her as she is herself.

Re: are you single, see this article:

As for boyfriend disqualifiers, have you seen these articles?:

Essentially, everything boils down to either 1.) unavailability / scarcity, or 2.) lack of will or ability to provide. Within each of those categories, there are as many different wrinkles as you'd care to explore, just so long as you stay away from anything that implies that you don't want to be HER boyfriend SPECIFICALLY and you err on the side of making it something out of your control (and not something you've just "decided", which plenty of women will reason they can woo you to change your mind over with good sex, nurturing, and maybe some nice home-cooked meals).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase, could you possibly


Chase,
could you possibly post videos where you or any of the Girls Chase team
walks to a girl, use the methods taught on this site and move with her
after seducing her. I think it will be great as many guys, myself included, are
visual learners.

Chase Amante's picture

Videos

Author

Anon-

Don't have the setup for that currently, and don't want to post videos with poor audio / video production quality... if I did it, I'd want it to be good. I am thinking of an product or series of products featuring me or possibly one of the other writers if we go that route demo'ing approaches and then breaking down afterward what was happening and why what was said or done was said or done, but I need to get business revenues up enough that I'm not as tied down with the day-to-day anymore, and probably would have to take a break from article-writing for a project like that too.

So for right now, that's a "this would be super fun and cool to do" thing that I lack the time and knowhow to pull off, but that hopefully is in the cards for the not TOO distant future.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase, a question: What types


Chase, a question:
What types of girls like guys who wear glasses?
I mean, do the sexy bad girls like it or
the cute and good girls?
Assuming I want to attract a girl who is not the sweetheart type but the hot and sexy type, should I take off my glasses?
thanks

Wallflower's picture

sexy bad ass glasses!


Get some sexy glasses or contacts! )))))) It's not about your glasses, its about your attitude. If your attitude is sexy and confident glasses don't matter much. But get good ones anyway :)))
good luck,
girl

Chase Amante's picture

Glasses

Author

Anon-

What Wallflower said!

I don't have enough experience myself (I've been wearing contacts since high school), but a friend of mine used to wear glasses all the time, and he pulled a wide range of cute to very attractive women... some sweethearts, some party girls, across the board. It's best if the glasses offset a strong personality and other strong traits; in this friend's case, he wore glasses and was Asian, but he was also tanned, had muscles, and busted on girls like crazy and was very confident, so had something of a nerd-gone-bad-boy edge to him.

Chase

Michal's picture

Hi, Chase. You mentioned your


Hi, Chase.
You mentioned your article about being cool will need larger uninterrupted period of time. Maybe divide it in more articles like "what it is and why to be cool", "how to", "when" or something like that, like your article on compliments?

Michal

Michal's picture

Oh em.. as I mentioned


Oh em.. as I mentioned compliments - you mentioned "girls in relationships assume it's because there's some other reason (low self-esteem) or because they're superior to you (high self-esteem)" So if I say "You look great today" to my friend who has a BF, does it mean she will set herself more above me? Or turn it into "someone looks great today" hinting it is her?

Michal

Chase Amante's picture

Cool Article, Compliments

Author

Michal-

Well, the thing with being a writer who writes long pieces is that if you want to churn them out, you've got to be doing it from a position of being inspired. At some point, I will say, "You know what, I REALLY want to write an article about being cool," and then it'll just flow out onto my keyboard. Until then, I have to write about whatever else I want to write about, because if I try to force it it'll be mediocre at best.

As for the compliments, if she's high self-esteem, then probably, yes. Saying, "Somebody looks great today," is no different, since she'll know you mean her. If you absolutely must compliment her, I'd stick to something very specific and relatively neutral, like, "Are those highlights new? They look good - they complement your bone structure well."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase, When I'm feeling the


Chase,

When I'm feeling the most "on point," am I automatically doing everything correctly, or would you say that my frame is just so strong that the girl will be attracted to me regardless of what I do (of course the latter facilitates the former)? In the community there is talk of "breaking the rules," but that's almost like saying that there are no rules, right? If I can get my inner game strong, does that automatically fix my outer game as well or do I need to work on it as well? I'm referring more to behaviors rather than logistics techniques. Thx.

Chase Amante's picture

No Rules

Author

Anon-

That "doing everything right" state is when you're feeling uninhibited and are operating at peak performance with no hesitation. In sports this is called having a "hot hand", being on a "hot streak", or being "in the zone." In basketball the players will sometimes say it feels like they're "throwing it into the ocean", meaning the net feels to giant that there's just no way they could miss it.

The phenomenon still seems to be subject to the limits of your experience. You're not doing better than your best; instead, you're operating right at the limit of your best. So, say you were trained as a martial artist, and you were fighting someone and operating "in the zone"; you wouldn't magically be able to pull off moves you hadn't learned yet, but those moves you did know you'd be using at the upper end of your abilities, and you'd be blocking and defending and anticipating at the upper end of your abilities too.

I've never met anyone who's able to reliably turn this on or command it at will in anything. It kicks in, sometimes, for emotional reasons, but it's not something you can depend on if you want consistent performance. If anything, I consider it fun when it happens, but largely not worth worrying about because it's too infrequent. Instead, my recommendation to guys is to focus on getting your baseline performance up, so that even when you feel terrible you're still operating great - I talked about that in this article: "Going Out to Meet Women Even When You Don’t Want to."

The theory behind that is, you could take a novice basketball player and give him a hot streak and put him one-on-one with Michael Jordan, with MJ playing at 40%, and the novice will still get licked. It's the same with picking up; I had plenty of hot streaks when I was inexperienced that resulted in lots of conversations that felt amazing but resulted in zero lays; conversely, eventually you reach a point where you can see some other guy rolling hot and feeling awesome, and you lean back and smile and relax while he works all kinds of magic on a girl, and then you get up and whisper something in her ear and she tells him it was great meeting him and laughs one more time at his last joke and leaves with you.

Even if you have perfect internals, getting "in the zone" like this is a relatively rare event (although you can create it with enough momentum, especially if you've been sleeping with a lot of new girls in a streak - you can really get on fire and just start clicking with girls and operating at a higher level this way). For that reason, I think it's better to put most of your focus on getting solid fundamentals and a solid baseline system of doing things so that you can do them consistently well, and count those times when you get an extra boost in performance, vision, etc. as a cool bonus to be enjoyed but not relied upon.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, Is intelligence


Hi Chase,

Is intelligence something I can improve? I would like to be smarter and more well-spoken. Sometimes I can't communicate my thoughts clearly in a structured manner and I'm not sure why. Thanks.

Anonymous's picture

There is an article on this,


There is an article on this, maybe even more then one. This is the one I can think of the top of my head "Are You Smart? It Doesn't Much Matter Either Way"

Chase Amante's picture

Communicating Thoughts

Author

That's this one: "Are You Smart? It Doesn't Much Matter Either Way"; although, communicating thoughts is not necessarily intelligence - it's communication. And communication takes time to learn.

I've always been a reasonably good communicator, but every now and then I've traditionally ran into someone who could talk laps around me. These people always made me feel like a tongue-tied dunce. I finally figured out how to communicate like one of them after spending about 6 months in the near-constant presence of one and figuring out how he communicated like that.

I'm not sure offhand how to describe making that transition from the point where sometimes you aren't able to properly express what you want to express to reaching the point where you pretty much always are. It's not just being intelligent or well-read - I don't think I changed much on either of those between my transition from before to after as a communicator. I think it's more learning to not suppress thoughts and instead immediately speak what's on your mind (though, ideally, presented in a way that's digestible to the other person rather than something that'll put them on the defensive).

I might suggest Ray Dalio's Principles as a starting point, though for maximum results you need to combine this style of dialogue with sufficient empathy and consideration for the other person's position.

Takes practice, and it's hard to do, but if you can make that transition you'll reach a level of communication that almost nobody reaches.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hello chase, great article!


Hello chase, great article! This mindset has been a top 3 game changing mindset for me. It's kinda scary for someone to experience for the first timeand then to continue living in that reality. Couple of questions...

I was at the airport and saw a really beautiful girl with her girlfriend. I wasn't sure at the time but they ended up boarding the same plane as me. When should I have approached her (before, on or after the flight) and is it generally better to spend more time talking and really build some tension/connection if the situation allows for it, or to just do a short direct introduction and grab her number like a flyby?

How far should I escalate if I cant thave sex with a girl at the location?

Chase Amante's picture

Airport Game

Author

Anon-

It's almost always better to meet the girl before you board the airplane - just gives you more flexibility, and prevents you both winding up in the "Drat, I lost her!" position when you can't find her on the plane or at the baggage claim after, and also prevents you sitting there trying to concoct a way to meet her the whole flight, then getting nervous and choking or running a really awkward interaction with her.

If she's with a friend, there's probably not much you can do there, so better just to be nice and social and a little more romantic toward one than the other and get the number from the one you're interested in, but otherwise be laid back.

If you can't sleep with a girl then and there, don't escalate. Just do enough that she is intrigued with you, then collect her contact details to set up a proper meet up later on.

Also, for additional details on the pickup process with airports, see this article: "Meeting Women on Buses, Trains, and Airplanes."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

How to Start Doing?


Hi Chase and the Rest of the GC Crew

Been hovering around for the past few months, reading your excellent blog.

I'd like to make a suggestion for a future article for a particular audience that I'm sure hover around here and in life. A large number of my friends and I are a good handful of years past 30. And I have noticed that many of us still do not have girlfriends or date much. For me personally, I just feel intimidated, trying to talk to younger girls that have so much more experience than me. When I do get set up, people tend to set me up with girls close to my age, while passing me over a younger pool of girls. What bugs me here is they have already assumed I should be dating close to my age so I wonder what a younger girl would think if an older guy like me tries to pick her up. So, I would like to see a future article on how older guys like us can break the mind-freeze mentality, the age barrier, the perceived stereotypes I face, and the lack of experience to get started picking up and dating younger girls.

Thanks!

Wallflower's picture

:))


Just act like its not a big deal. Don't mention age, don't act weird and lacking in confidence and it won't be a problem. Once your insecurities start to shine it's going to be that much harder. Just be cool and don't worry about the age difference. If she brings it up brush it aside like it doesn't matter much or make a joke.

-girl your age :)

Chase Amante's picture

Younger Women

Author

Anon-

In addition to what Wallflower had to say - check these out:

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Running into the same girls.


Hey Chase,

A little off topic here. While practicing day or night game I find myself occasionally running into the same girls i've made a pass at in the past or being seen by the same people hanging out at a certain place. How should I handle a situation like this ? Should I act cool like nothing happened ? Just like what ever it is I am doing is perfectly normal ?

Thanks in advance.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Running into the same girls.

Author

Anon-

Just give them a slight smile and a head nod, then carry on with your business. If you need a picture of how to do this, just imagine your favorite cool movie actor doing it with some girl who'd rejected his advances before, before returning his attention to the bar or his buddies or whatever new girl he's talking with. Just reeks of "suave", and half the time the girl will come up to talk to you of her own accord later because she's just so intrigued you aren't chasing her down like 99% of the men who've hit on her, gotten nowhere, then run into her again have.

Chase

Vegeta's picture

Horny Bus Girl


Hey chase, so theres this cute asain girl who rides my bus home from school. This chick wants it bad. But for what ever reason, i didnt get her number. the problem is that now its spring break and i wont see her for a week untill school resumes. This girls so horny for me i feel obligated to do the deed before breaks over. So i was wondering if you think it would work to shoot her up a message on facebook that was something like this

'hey emma'
'give me your number'
'we can go on adventure together' (she told me how she didnt have any adventures planned for break)

I would normally never do this because it's hardcore chasing, but this girl wants it so bad. I talked to her for one ride home, and since then shes been chasing hard. the next day i was napping on the ride home. when i didnt engage her, and she realized i was gonna keep to myself, she started lightly stroking my leg, desperatly trying to get a reaction.

My point is that i think she wants me bad enough to where getting her number this way wouldnt kill her attraction to me, and that shed be overjoyed that we indeed are gonna hookup over break.
What do you think, should i go for it, or wait till school resumes and get her number then?

Thanks in advance man

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Horny Bus Girl

Author

Vegeta-

Love the title of this comment.

Yes, I think that's an okay use of Facebook for this. If the girl clearly wants you very bad, and you have no other way of getting in touch, she'll be too excited you found SOME way to contact her to worry about the medium you used for it.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

the science of assuming attraction


Hi chase, could you please explain what an insecurity is from a neurological standpoint? Is this something that can reverse overnight? Are insecurities and confidences simply just neural pathways and are they the same one or exist separately?

Chase Amante's picture

Insecurity vs. Confidence

Author

Anon-

I'm afraid I can't speak much to the physiology of the brain when it comes to confidence and insecurity - I'm not well-versed enough on where specific pathways are or how they form, nor am I aware of any literature showing how insecurity or confidence form in the brain (which isn't to say the literature isn't out there - I just haven't read it). Although I will say a shot of lidocaine to the cerebellum appears to prevent the brain from being able to access learned fears.

Memories are altered by memory retrieval, so it's possible to remove learned negative associations, but it takes time, and you usually can't erase them overnight (unless you manage to stay awake for a really long time after the initial memory-forming event happens - the sooner you sleep after learning something, the more effectively it's recorded in the brain; the later, the less effectively).

My guess would be that insecurity and confidence are separate pathways; only evidence I have for that is the fact that you can have people who are tremendously confident in their abilities at something, yet still get supremely nervous about doing it; likewise, you can have people who have zero confidence in their ability with something, yet also zero insecurity. Confidence seems to be a measure of "how much do I believe I can pull this off", while insecurity seems to be one of "how much do I fear the negative consequences of failing at this or having something bad happen." So, the two appear to me to be somewhat independent.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Judging by your article, does


Judging by your article, does this mean it is infinitely times better to approach when youre actually feeling that she wants you bad (giving you that overconfident, devilish smile) vs. Going in with the same mindset but not necessarily exuding that sexy aura? I know you can't always wait to feel at your most confident self, but what is the difference between approaching with devilish overconfidence vs. Going in with confidence but more at a social level? Is the difference simply that you're at two different stages of a seduction? I.e. you can be social and confident, but it needs to become seductive whereas if you go in seductive it's like you skipped straight to seductive?

Chase Amante's picture

State

Author

Anon-

It does help somewhat, but my feelings on the matter are that if you're relying on your emotional state to dictate your approaching, you're missing out on some great opportunities and a cornucopia of learning. This is more a "quit worrying about whether she's attracted and just assume she is" post; my thoughts on state are "quit worrying about whether your state is good or not and just go say hi" (much more in-depth here: "Going Out to Meet Women Even When You Don’t Want to").

Confidence does make you more attractive, but within reason. A skilled guy coming in low key will almost always beat an unskilled guy who's coming in feeling like a champ, just because even a very confident guy can't confidence his way to doing the right things and making the right moves when he doesn't know yet what these are. So, if the aim is to get better with girls, err on the side of collecting more experience, rather than trying to only approach when you feel it.

Chase

Wolf's picture

Living an adventurous life


I thank you for all of the help chase. I want to know about you said on the comment section a few articles ago. When you said to move and get a fun job. Some of the jobs you listed were jobs where you work a 9 to 5 and I thought you said those weren't fun. Unless there's a secret way to make it fun?

Chase, how can I live an adventurous, enchanting lifestyle? I don't want to live a boring life ever!

1. Right now im stuck in a new state with no money, no car and you really need one to travel to do anything. I dont know anyone here and I wanted to know what I could do for fun alone on the daily?

2. How can I build a life of exciting adventure every single day?

3. One of the few things that scares me when I get older like 40's and after, is that I will just be like the typical old guy doing nothing fun or I'll be working in retail just for something to do. I never never never want that in a million years.
What can I do when im older and have fun until the day I die? I'm speaking from a stand point of getting regular money not being rich.

Thanks man

Chase Amante's picture

Adventure

Author

Wolf-

What you do for fun is up to your interests. You could go to the park; play basketball with friends or shoot around by yourself; you could take up writing; you could paint; you could draw; you could sculpt; you could play video games. You could read books or watch movies. There are a million things you can do for fun.

I don't know anyone whose life is exciting every day. Excitement only happens when you're doing something completely new and unfamiliar to you; the things you see other people doing that look really exciting to you usually stopped being exciting a long time ago to them because they got familiar with them. One man's life may look exciting to an outsider, but for him it's all the same. Even James Bond is used to his life and probably only considers it "exciting" when he regales women with stories about it and they coo.

If you want to do something fun when you're older, start doing it now. I know I've given you suggestions before; you can pick one of them, or pick something else. Life's short, so better to spend it doing something you want to do than something you have to do.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hello chase Two questions: 1.


Hello chase

Two questions:

1. Is it "trading for sex" when a guy asks for a kiss or something else in exchange for doing something for a girl/girlfriend like doing some chore or buying something for her? Even if done as a high value guy, is there some sort of implied loss of power?

2. I read your post on banter and you said how it's not a good idea to insult a girl. Obviously, the tone behind the insult makes all the difference, and can make a would-be insult sound like banter or vice versa, but I know that I myself or other guys have made fun of women before and had it work. So, i'm wondering if there really are any rules when it comes to seduction. Another guy could successfully pickup a girl doing everything you advise against or differently, and maybe that guy is me or maybe he isn't me, but how do I go about figuring what information is actually useful or the "truth," whether it be in general or only relevant to me?

Chase Amante's picture

Trading & Teasing

Author

Anon-

Yes - any time you offer to do her a favor in exchange for any kind of physicality, that's considered supplication and you are telling her, "I will do things for you if you will give me kisses/sex/touch." Most women are actually very good at using this this way to position themselves as the ones with the upperhand in the relationship, and the men as chasing after their sex - personally, I advise refusing all physical stuff from girls after you've done them a favor (turn your head if they try to kiss you and tell them it's no problem, etc.).

As for teasing, there's a difference between teasing girls and insulting them outright - check out this article for where that line is drawn:

And, I'll never say anything is impossible... there may be a guy out there who can walk up to a girl and scream in her face that she's an ugly sperm whale and have her jump his bones a half hour later, and if I saw it I would be as amazed and intrigued as anyone else (and immediately trying to find out what the heck this guy's doing). But generally you'll recognize certain patterns of things that work the most consistently with the broadest number of girls out there and tend to follow those.

Anyway, if you're not certain whether I'm right or a buddy of yours is right or something else you've read is right, there's an easy way to find out: take it for a test drive (preferably, 20 tries for anything brand new to really make sure it works and not just that the first one or two times you tried it were lucky/unlucky). And may the best technique win!

Chase

Balla's picture

Attracting girls during social outings


Sup Chase, I really was wondering on how to attract girls during social outings. I'm talking about girls that are friends of your friends that you don't know. There's times when ill be out at a get together and there will be chicks I never meet before that I want to chase me. I feel if I try to make a move and fail, that's it for me for that circle. I will be talked about and embarrassed, so I'd rather have them chase and try to get with me. I also know telling one of my friends to hook me up will have the same effect if she doesn't like me. So I want them to chase.

1. So chase how does one get a girl that's a friend of a friend to chase them and want to get to know them and sleep with them?

2. What can I do to look and act sexy to intrigue,attract, and make them want to talk to me?

There mostly Spanish and white girls, I don't know if that matters, but just letting you know.

3. Could you tell me if I'm messing by not introducing myself if they don't introduce themselves first?

I don't know of you'd want to make an article about it, but if you do can I get some tips to start off with? Because I know you have thousands of articles to write up.

Thanks

Chase Amante's picture

Social Circle

Author

Balla-

Check out Peter's series on social circle - it's going to answer all the questions you have here and a bunch more:

  1. Meeting Women via Social Circle: The Pros and Cons
  2. How to Escalate with Girls in Social Circle
  3. Killer Reputation Management for Your Social Circle
  4. Tapping Your Social Circle to Meet Loads More Girls

I'd also recommend his additional articles on social circle dynamics that will flesh out the picture more:

The only one I don't remember if Peter covers there is introducing vs. getting introduced... but you can very easily slow open girls from your social circle you haven't met yet; this is a perfect place to use that style of opener for anyone you want to meet whom you haven't been introduced to yet.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Day game


Chase I understand that unless a girl has a lot of time on her hands during the day and you can open her situationally (perhaps she's sitting in a coffee shop or bookstore, whatever) it's pretty much a case of direct approach and grabbing her number and setting up a date later.

My question is, during these times when you approach a girl during the day and you know that most likely she's busy and going somewhere, just how much conversation is there, what does the interaction look like? Can you give me an idea?

Because I have a good idea of night game/when a girl has time, you intro, build comfort, go a bit deeper, add some frames, bit of humour and move things forward.

Obviously during busy day game there is no real space for long conversations etc, so how do things usually play out?

Do you just open introduce yourself, bit of small talk and then ask for her number? How do girls feel about giving their number out to a guy who hasn't been able to build a connection with them and show them just how sexual he is?

Cheers.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Day game

Author

Anon-

When the girl’s busy, I try to run those interactions as rapidly as possible (2 or 3 minutes max) to avoid being a social burden to her… if she starts feeling like you’re getting in the way of her getting to something that’s important to her, you’re in a bad position.

For me those will tend to look like approach —> open —> brief small talk about where she’s headed / what she’s up to —> if she isn’t hooked yet, maybe another compliment —> if she’s still not hooked and she’s in a hurry, I’ll tell her to come do something with me (low-ish probability of yes, but higher probability than grabbing a number from a girl who isn’t hooked). Once she does hook, I’ll tell her well I won’t keep you from your important items, but let’s get some food or grab a drink later this week or next, and then take her number down.

It’s really all down to “Can you hook her?” Can you reach that point where suddenly you’re “in” and you can tell she really wants to keep talking to you? This is always down to fundamentals, but in quick street approaches it REALLY is… it’s almost pure fundamentals. Either she’s going to bite or she isn’t. If she isn’t, collecting a number from her is a 1 out of a 100 chance it turns into anything. If she hooks though and she agrees to meet up with you later and you collect her number and end it with her right after the hook, the odds you get her out again are really pretty high.

How long I’ll wait to start planning the date depends on her excitement levels. If she seemed REALLY hooked, I’ll text her a few hours after the icebreaker text. If she was just mildly interested, I’ll wait until the next day.

I’ll occasionally have a quick phone number swap like this play out such that the first date is at my place, but usually only if we happen into some kind of text or phone exchange for some reason. If it’s just the usual routine, I find it’s usually best to have her come meet you at a café or bar near your house.

And, that’s right - I usually go for sex on the first date. Only time I might not is if logistics get screwed for some reason, or I’m really booked or feeling out of sorts. There are some girls I’ll get the feeling it won’t fly with, but usually I just assume I messed up somewhere and won’t have much better luck on a Date #2, 3, 4, or 27, so I go for it then anyway. Sometimes I’m surprised. I wouldn’t recommend this to you if you’re a beginner or only somewhat experienced though, as you’ve got to run the date reasonably well to pull this off, and having made a very strong first impression also helps a LOT; otherwise, better to wait for the second date to try to make something happen when you’re newer, since most girls seem to be more forgiving of inexperienced guys going for it on Date 2 than they are on Date 1.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

One more thing


After you grab a girls number during the day, I know that it's good to drop her an icebreaker text a couple of hours later, but

How long do you leave it before texting her to arrange a date? And will that text arranging the date be sudden or will you trade a couple of prior texts before hand? How so you handle setting up a date with a girl who's number you got?

AND

What should this date be? Would you ever arrange a date at your place straight away or does it generally have to be a drink or something somewhere public first?

I take it you always try to lead things towards sex first date also?

Anonymous's picture

Disqualifying as BF


Chase, let's say that during a date with a girl you have been doing everything right including setting sexual frames and disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend

How do you respond when a girl:

Asks you why you invited her to a date and why you are both talking when obviously you are not looking for a girlfriend

Basically how do you deal with a girl trying to work out why the two of you are her together and where things will lead. In her mind she's maybe thinking ohh this guy doesn't even want me as a GF what the hell am I doing here.

How do I deal with this?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Disqualifying as BF

Author

Anon-

If you're getting that, it means you're setting boyfriend frames implicitly while taking yourself off the table as a boyfriend explicitly.

That's sort of like what would happen if you met a really sexy girl who touched you a lot and flirted with you heavily and tempted you a great deal, and then told you, "I'm not interested in hooking up with you," and, "Sorry, I won't be sleeping with you," several times. You'd quickly become VERY frustrated.

Disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend has to be done in a way in which it seems like it's very much not your decision... it must be HER decision. She must look at you and say, "Hmm. I don't want him as a boyfriend at ALL. But I DO want him as a lover... that would be fun."

I'd pay close attention to what kind of vibes you're putting out, and how you're disqualifying yourself. If you're saying things like, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now," or, "I don't want to be anybody's boyfriend," a girl will take that as a personal rejection, because girls THEMSELVES say things like this all the time to guys they aren't interested in, while saying something completely different to the ones they are. A girl hearing this will say, "Oh, sure. But if he meets a girl he thinks is PRETTIER than me, he'll paint himself as the PERFECT boyfriend," and then will hate your guts.

It must be subtle... something you can't really control. You want her to come to the conclusion that you're not boyfriend material, not for you to be the one telling her outright.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Invite her back


And how do you invite a girl back to your after your first date together?

I find plausible deniability easy during night game, but I can't think of anyways of getting her back to mine during a day time date. It's like most girls think oh well this was the first date fine, but no way I'm going back to his yet.

How do you get her back during day time in a smooth way?

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