The Paradox of the Flirty Girl


Every time you see her, she twirls her hair, smiles at you, and asks you how your day is going. She’s just an absolutely delightful girl, and you know she likes you. You’ve just got to wait for the right moment to make your move.

You’ve known her for ages, and it always feels like you’re building more and more steadily towards something happening. The connection between the two of you is undeniable; you can feel it. It’s visceral and real.

What I’ve noticed more and more as I’ve coached men on dating is that so many of the women that men get caught up on and start chasing after are, in fact, not actually women they really do have some special connection with... but rather, in fact, are simply flirty girls.

flirty girl

They’re women who enjoy flirting with men, teasing men, leading men on, and all because it makes them feel good.

No man will ever admit he’s in love with a flirty girl. His ego always gets in the way; of course a woman isn’t just flirting with me; maybe with some other guy, he thinks, but me? She means it with me.

But the flirty girl is not hard to figure out, nor is she difficult to call on her game-playing. It does, however, take an honest view of the “connection” you have with her... and the stones to tell her to put up or shut up.


Why Flirty Girls Flirt

I flirt. I flirt all the time. And women love it.

When you’re a flirt, you’re not thinking, “Oh no... maybe I am leading this person on and making her obsess about me day in and day out,” although that sometimes happens. Much of the time, you never see this because people conceal it, so you’re not fully aware it happens. Sure, it happens sometimes... but not that much, or so you think.

Instead, what you’re thinking is along these lines:

  1. People love a good flirt. Because they do! They respond so well to you... members of the opposite sex absolutely eat up your flirting. They smile; they flirt back; they compliment you and make passes at you. They prefer your presence to almost anyone else. You’re beloved and popular.

  2. People bend over backwards for a flirt. Whether you’re a male flirt flirting with women, or a female flirt flirting with men, members of the opposite sex will go out of their way – sometimes way out of their way – to help you, accommodate you, and just generally make your life better when you’re a flirt.

  3. The world is a warmer, more positive place for a flirt. If you don’t flirt, most people are just kind of bland and neutral with you. But when you’re a flirts, well... suddenly, the world is such a lively, vibrant place! Attractive members of the opposite sex are grinning like idiots around you, and laying down the red carpet for you. It just makes every day a little bit (or a lot!) better.

Flirting is a way of taking a cold, uncaring world and making it a warm, embracing one that tilts in your way. You feel heartened at the warmth and availability of the opposite sex; you feel like you’re playing life an easier way. You love interacting with the opposite sex, because they just treat you like such a wonderful person. It’s easy to get all manner of special privileges from them, just by being you.

It’s not even about being power-mad, although that can sometimes happen too; nor is it about being a low empathy individual, though you will certainly find plenty of them among the most dedicated flirts. Rather, it’s just about learning something that works, and sticking to it because you’ve learned it provides results for you that level up your life, in spades.


Why Flirting is So Powerful

Of course, the reason that people go so crazy for flirts is the hint of a pot of sexual gold at the end of the flirtation rainbow... and because it isn’t spelled out clearly, that leaves what that pot is, exactly, open to the interpretation of the beholder:

  • If you’re looking for a quick, hot fling, that flirty girl from the next office over seems like she’d be perfect for it.

  • If you’re fantasizing about a passionate, lust-filled ongoing affair, that flirty girl at the coffee shop counter strikes you as the ideal woman to have that with.

  • If you’re waxing romantic over a dreamy courtship and idyllic long-term commitment, the flirtatious girl a few apartments down no doubt appears to be your dream girl incarnate.

Human beings are infinitely imaginative, and what the flirt does is provide the seed of imagination, and leave it to the individual to determine what sort of tree that seed will germinate into in his or her mind.

Flirting is far more powerful than outright making moves or expressing direct interest, because it allows you to captivate such a broad audience of disparate souls with disparate romantic objectives.

flirty girl

A girl who’s a flirt can have:

  • The guy who just wants to hook up once,
  • The guy who wants an ongoing casual relationship,
  • The guy who wants a new girlfriend,
  • And the guy who wants a life partner

... all doing backflips over her feeling certain she is the most ideal candidate out of every woman they know for that role in their lives.

Of course, the truth is, she’s probably open to one or two of those roles with the right man, but some of them she isn’t even open to considering, and very often she isn’t open to considering them with any of the men she’s presently stringing along.


“She’s NOT Stringing Me Along!”

This is the way most men react when you point out to them that a girl is flirting with them for fun and profit, and almost certainly not because she’s really all that interested in them. They get up in arms; they defend the flirty girl they’re crushing on like a schoolboy; and then, confident that they have “shown you” how wrong you are about her, they go right back to fantasizing about the flirty girl, and how one day they’ll make a move on her (they’re just building up to it and working toward it, is all)... just like every other guy that girl knows.

In a way, being caught up on a flirty girl is worse than when you can’t stop thinking about a regular girl, who isn’t super flirty, because at least that girl isn’t doing anything actively that helps maintain the illusion in your mind of interest.

The flirty girl, on the contrary, is actively prompting you to keep chasing her.

Again, it isn’t because she’s a bad person, or doesn’t care about you (unless she’s one of those low / no empathy women... of which there are some, and you will run into them from time to time); rather, it’s because it feels good to her to get the attention she does from you and all the other men around her... and it makes life easier for her, too.

If you’re not a flirt yourself, just ask: wouldn’t it be swell if all the women around you smiled at you, treated you well, and were happy to help you with anything you might ask them to help you with? Wouldn’t that just be a nice addition to life, if you don’t already have it?

Well, it is. It’s a very nice addition to life.

Even if, some of the time, you ended up unknowingly stringing along someone who’s gotten way more emotionally invested in you than you thought they would. After all, when others flirt with you, you just take it as no more than fun flirting, and flirt back.

But sometimes when you flirt with people who aren’t all that experienced at flirting or being flirted with, they fall in love.


The Paradox of the Flirty Girl

When you’re a male flirt, there exists no paradox in flirtation.

That’s because the women you sleep with and date get flirted with the same as any other girl; you run your routine on them, and when you see them get all goo-goo-eyed, if they’re girls you think are attractive as flings or friends with benefits or potential girlfriends, you sweep them off their feet, take them on a whirlwind, and toss them into bed with you.

If you’re a flirty girl though, it’s quite different.

That’s because for a woman to effectively flirt with you, she needs to feel that she has the upper hand with you. It’s the same when you’re flirting with a girl; it’s easiest to do when you feel you have the upper hand on a girl. Of course, the girls you’re successful at picking up, sleeping with, and dating are invariably the girls you have the upper hand with; the ones who have the upper hand on you usually aren’t interested in anything more than a platonic friendship with you.

So, that leaves the flirty girl in a curious predicament:

  • She enjoys flirting with men because of the benefits it brings
  • The men she flirts with tend to assume she likes them, and pursue her
  • But to flirt with a man, she needs to feel power over him first
  • And when a woman feels power over a man, she doesn’t feel attraction for him

Thus, women flirt with men they aren’t into, and can’t much flirt with men they are.

The paradox of the flirty girl is that all the men chasing after her, enamored with her due to her flirty behavior with them, are men she sees herself as “over”, in terms of mate value and social status. Meanwhile, the men she’s genuinely attracted to, she’s very often nervous around, unsure of herself, and exactly the opposite of flirtatious... which may well mean she ends up failing to capture their interest.


What Do You Do When She Flirts with You?

flirty girlThere are two ways to deal with flirting that can be productive for you, depending on your desired outcome:

  1. If you’re in a social circle environment where keeping a low profile is important (like flirting at work), and it isn’t worth the risk to pull out all the stops to either get a girl or screen her out, you can simply flirt back, with the understanding that it isn’t “going anywhere” but rather is just a little light, harmless flirtation that makes the day more fun and interesting for both you and her

  2. If you’re in an environment where consequences don’t matter that much (like a party, bar, or nightclub), and you’re more interested in finding a girl to date or sleep with than you are in finding a long-term flirting friend, you can pull out your “put up or shut up” game

The first of these two options isn’t much worth discussing, except to say that if you’re going to do it, don’t kid yourself about how likely you are to end up with the girl – it’s almost certainly not happening. She probably doesn’t like you that way, and you’re not going to “make a move” (and if you do, it’s going to be after a long delay, and you’re probably going to be fighting the fact that you’ve become a fixture in her life – even if she likes you, it’s too weird by then to say “yes”). So, don’t get hung up on her – treat flirting as just that: flirting. And save your emotions for women you’re actually sleeping with and dating, instead of long shot prospects you’d need to be trapped on a desert island with to make anything happen with.

The second of these options, though, is going to be your normal flirtation-deflation technique. This is most useful for showing yourself that girls who are flirting with you are not actually interested in you. That’s because if a girl genuinely likes you “like that”, she usually won’t be flirting hard with you (she’ll be too self-conscious to do so); instead, the big flirts are the ones who see themselves as “over” you in terms of social status.

Here’s all you do to tell a girl to put up or shut up: you start escalating compliance. That’s it. That means things like:

  • You ask her to give you a sip of her drink or bite of her food
  • You ask her to help you with a random task that you need help on
  • You tell her to come and sit down with you and talk to you
  • You tell her to join you out alone just the two of you for food or a drink
  • You begin to touch her more and get more physical with her
  • You invite her home with you

If you’re sitting there thinking, “But I can’t do all that! We’ve only just flirted! She isn’t ready for all that yet!” that’s exactly why you do this.

Because you know, deep down, that this girl is not going to respond to these invitations.

Now, think fast: if a girl really likes you, how’s she going to feel about being invited to sit down by you? Ecstatic, right?

All you’re doing by escalating compliance is forcing a flirty girl to reveal her cards. You’re saying, “Okay, you’re acting like you like me – do you? Prove it to me.”

If she genuinely is attracted to you, and you’re escalating compliance somewhat gradually (that is, ask her to sit down first – don’t lead with inviting her home!), you’ll have no problems ramping a flirtation up into a full-blown seduction.

Yet, if she isn’t... if she’s only flirting with you to enjoy the attention... if she just wants to make you feel like she likes you, to play off your fantasies and curry favor with you and win you over into helping her out where she likes and where you please... she will not comply with you, or will only go so far in complying with you, because she doesn’t like you like that.

And once you’ve gotten her to admit it with actions instead of words, and show it out in the open, and put up or shut up, you’ve just removed her power over you, and prevented her from being able to string you along... or even to think of you as some guy she’s got wrapped around her little pinkie, all because she flirted, and you went for it.


The Flirting Turnaround

A closing note on calling out flirty girls: sometimes, the act of calling a girl out on her flirtiness, and forcing her to put up or shut up, can change the way she sees you, and cause her to respect you more and actually begin to feel attraction for you.

What calling her out does, effectively, is say, “You’re treating me like I’m lower status and lower social power than you, but I’m just going to ignore that and treat you like any woman I’m higher status and higher social power than. Care to join me for a chat, and comply?”

It is, essentially, a frame battle. She views you as lower status and able to be captivated by flirting; meanwhile, you view her as lower status, and able to be led by your compliance demands. (the reason flirting back doesn’t work is because flirtatious women read men who flirt back with them as buying into their frames; only if you’re escalating compliance and investment from her while flirting back can flirting back be effective – and here it’s more a helper than the main event; you must be making her take strong action toward bringing the two of you together)

This won’t always turn things around for you, and sometimes will make them awkward with the girl, if she feels insulted that you don’t recognize her social superiority. Occasionally, though, you can cause a girl who’d thought she was the higher status individual to rethink her assumption, and decide that you are, in fact, the higher status person there.

When this happens, attraction can begin to blossom.

If you’re really set on turning things around with a girl who previously viewed you as lower status enough that she could freely flirt with you, you’ll usually need more than just telling her to put up or shut up – preselection very frequently does the trick here. So, combine these two things – telling her it’s put up or shut up time on her flirting, and then letting her see you being desired by other attractive women – and you may well be able to turn things around with a girl who previously viewed herself as “over” you, socially and mate-value-wise.

Nevertheless, the main value in exposing flirty girls this way is for yourself; it’s in not getting caught up chasing women who just aren’t that into you, and freeing your mind to find the women who genuinely are.

Chase Amante

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Comments

AuContraire's picture

Put up or shut up


Chase,

You keep creating wow-moments for me.

You and your fellow writers here at Girlschase have the rare gift of being able to add new perspectives (in contrast to other blogs that keep rehashing old pickup-material every day). Your blog is a real gem and worth reading every time new content shows up.

I sincerely thank you and the other guys.

I think there is a specific type of flirty girl which I occasionally run into - the one that approaches you on the dancefloor (with her back to you, never facing you directly), following you even if you retreat slightly although she has plenty of space in front of her. In my experience a bold escalation move as you describe it is the only way to success or the occasional indignated facial expression.

Cheers

Chase Amante's picture

Dance Floor Flirts

Author

Au-

Yes, there's an abundance of those women on dance floors. And I agree - be very bold, or make them chase... that's "put up or shut up" for the dance floor.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

So, in my three-plus decades


So, in my three-plus decades on this planet, women seldom if ever flirt with me. Does that mean they really like me? Haha..

On a more serious note, I seldom see flirting at my local gym or really anywhere in town. I seldom see men hitting on women. With a male-to-female ratio of 10-to-1 (10 single guys for every one single woman), this should be very prevalent. Yet, I only see awkward attempts by men crowding and swooning over a girl in social circles. I think the Internet has transformed a lot of people, including me, into somewhat socially-awkward people.

Chase Amante's picture

Extreme M-to-F Ratios

Author

Anon-

I haven't been anywhere that had a male-to-female ratio that extreme (assuming you were talking about the town, rather than the gym?), but I would presume that women have to naturally tone it down there to keep the attention at reasonable levels. Flirting is a tool for getting more male attention; if there are 10 men for every 1 woman, all a woman has to do is exist to be a hot commodity. If she starts flirting, that's almost certainly going to be interpreted far too generously by far too many desperate men... from what I've read about oil towns, where the ratio is skewed toward many single men for the number of single women, it's outright dangerous to be a woman there, and you want to attract as little attention as possible.

(if you just meant the gym on that ratio, and not the town, and the town itself has a more usual male-to-female ratio, could just be a cultural thing that for whatever your town or country doesn't promote or encourage flirting as much as some other places)

Chase

David22's picture

I really appreciate your bold contributions to our lives


I'm really glad I found this site, Chase. Through applying your stuff I really can tell you are a wise man. I love how you ignore others' perceptions of reality and only care for what really works. I've always had a similar outlook on life as you, I believe what works, not what is preached. Every time I have been doubtful of something, you remind me that observations have more credit than "common knowledge." I always felt flirty girls were insencere. Girls that really liked me would be rather reserves or nervous. I myself work in short bursts of time when I feel the most awake and alert, and find time to finish tasks in class to relax later. You're right that looks aren't important, I've seen girls worship an ugly Asian dude. I've had a five foot Mexican friend that had tons of taller girls enamoured of him. When I read your site, I remember how much control I have in life and I'm glad that I have a trusted source for advice with girls and social abilities, as well as someone reminding me that the world isn't all that it seems.

The M's picture

High-status, talking speed/style


Hey Chase,

Cool article. One question: if you're in a high-status position (famous actor, or just won some award), where lots of fangirls then come over to you and goo-goo eye you and talk about how much they admire what you do, is that real or not? Is that a case where you're higher status and they're flirting with you?

One other question: should I try to match a girl's speaking speed and style - or more generally, her energy level? Some girls talk faster and more excitedly, and are energetic - should I stay slow and calm, or match them a little?

Best,
The M

Chase Amante's picture

Re: High-status, talking speed/style

Author

M-

If you're high status and girls are falling all over themselves for you, that's not really flirting so much as it is just nervous, hopeful, uncalibrated chasing behavior. I just read a review of Rob Lowe's autobiography where he talks about being a teen idol, where women were just losing it around him and sex was crazy easy, and on one side he enjoyed it, and on the other he found it kind of saddening, because he knew that none of these girls really knew anything about him or cared, they were just following the herd. Then he couldn't get another gig and went back to being a nobody bussing tables at a restaurant, before breaking back into Hollywood later on and getting famous all over again.

If a girl's energetic, you're better off being calmer (but still warm), and gradually guiding her down to your level. The only time to match her emotional levels is if she's agitated in a bad way and close to auto-rejecting; like, if she's angry or upset about a situation that's outside of your control, you want to match that to pace her reality and let her know you're on the same side with her, then gradually tone it back down.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Height and sexiness


Hello Chase.

First of all, thank you for a very helpful site and an insightful book.
Could you adress the issue of height and how it affects attraction and the feeling of physical dominance?
Is there methods to balance a shorter than avarage height and if so what would those be?
Can a shorter man compensate with a powerful charisma and steadfast sexual frame?
I myself am about 5'10, not short per se but not tall either. If you would reply, wether it be in this comment section or as a passage in an articel about dominance it would do much to ease my concern -and surely many other with me.
Thank You.

Darkwings92's picture

Height


Hey I'm not Chase but I can truly say height plays a factor. You should be fine though at 5'10. Lol i'm 5'3 and I do ok. This site takes all the things you can control and lays them at your feet for improvement. Sure some girls will say your not tall enough but it's cool. By the time u amass enough numbers you won't even care. In fact you might be thanking them in your head for disqualifying themselves and not wasting your time :).

Anonymous's picture

Height and dominance


Thank you for giving me a clear answer. I do however still wonder if not height is linked to the feeling of percieved dominance in men. Perhaps good posture, sprezzatura and charisma does well to compensate and provide that same feeling in the female mind. I do not think I am short but it buggs me not to be able to improve and surpass the average male in the height department.
It could be height is something a man has to live with, but if is but one of many factor in ones image then shouldn't that issue still be improved upon by other means?
I hope my thoughts made sense and again: Thank you.

Darkwings92's picture

I believe it's most certainly


I believe it's most certainly linked by women and men but unfortunately it's one of the things we can't change. It's not a skill so much as it is an inborn inheritance of sorts. Sad how we put so much prestige on something we virtually do nothing to earn or master huh? Alas I wouldn't mind seeing an article on it myself.I've gotten negative reactions because my height doesn't match to my deep voice or the way I carry myself. Ever on expects me to be like the comedian Kevin Hart because we're both short and black.

Anonymous's picture

Shorter women


I think there is an article here about making your seductions efficient. Now working with the idea that a tall(er) stature is desireable in men, perhaps I should only sleep with shorter women. Obviously it is possible (not even that hard) to attract taller women but is it efficient?
All in all: adopting a rule of "shorter domen only" should increase my sucess rate at least somewhat. Also, I must admit, I am not completely comfortable dating taller women myself.

Darkwings92's picture

It takes balls the size of


It takes balls the size of cannons lol.You've got to completely own the frame from the moment she sees you and long after.You can't let up for a second.Trust me at 5'3 my girlfriend was and easy 5'11 and I had to be dominant in ways I didn't even know I was capable of.That being said going against the norm in anyway test you as a person and even more so as a man especially when nearly everyone friends,family and peers look at you an her and go WTF. Think of it as a hurdle, and tall or not they're still girls ;)

Xeno's picture

Respect and anger


Hey Chase, I demand respect from both men and women to the point where I boil up and obcess when I do not have it. While I believe its good for me to demand respect, when I feel violated I seethe with anger. At that point, I can't freely think and i'm out of the game. I guess what i'm really getting at is how can I work on my temper because it gets in the way. Thanks.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Respect and anger

Author

Xeno-

I'd suggest doing a lot more cold approaching. This both changes how much importance you place on any one person's opinion of you, since you're constantly meeting new people and forgetting old, and upgrades your social skills at such a rapid rate that you get very good at commanding respect right away (you have to be, or you fail with most of the girls you meet).

Cold approach will also subject you to far more disrespectful situations than you'll encounter otherwise, which will really frustrate you at first, but leads to you having a more philosophical view of respect: people who disrespect you aren't doing it because they've accurately assessed your value and are providing some sort of objective judgment of it, but merely are doing it because it seems socially expedient and they're just using you as a rung to climb on. When you realize that it's not really about you, but is rather about them, your perspective on disrespect changes... and you also tend to view it as an opportunity to turn their efforts to ladder climb you against them, and hoist yourself up over them at their expense instead.

In short: go talk to more strangers. It'll be punishing at first, exciting next, and highly educational throughout.

Chase

Flirty Girl's picture

I'm a different kind of flirty girl!


Hi, flirty girl here. I found this site because I wanted to know if I was a freak or if anyone else knew it was possible for us girls to orgasm by just having good old fashion sex. I see you do and know a few other things.

Just wanted to let you boys know that I'm a very flirty girl but only with those I would sleep with/date. It would be such a shame to miss out on someone because they thought otherwise.

Chase Amante's picture

Different Kind

Author

Flirty Girl-

Thanks for the counterpoint!

I would guess that you are either a.) very confident, or b.) live in a conservative area or one with a lot more single men than single women?

Very confident women often don't need men chasing after them, or get it automatically from their personalities without having to act remotely flirty, and can reserve flirting solely for men they like (to give them that little extra "push" to take action), and women from conservative regions don't flirt much in general, especially not with men who "might get the wrong idea", while women from regions with a lot more single men than women just need to be careful about what signals they're sending out so they don't get too many desperate men thinking the wrong thing.

Anyway, those are the "exceptions to the rule" scenarios I'm aware of!

Chase

Anonymous's picture

The Neither Girl


Perfect timing... I saw you recently posted about submissive vs. independent women but I've identified a type that I'm not sure how to classify because she doesn't seem to be one or the other, but also doesn't seem to fall in between either. Let me try to describe this type of girl as much as possible. She's the type who:

-Isn't submissive but isn't confident either. She acts very hard to get which makes her appear confident but it's because she IS hard to get. You won't see her holding your eye contact, making any moves, or actively testing a guy's confidence. Since she's not really submissive nor shy, but probably more quiet and reserved with people she doesn't know well, she doesn't reject you because she's scared nor insecure. You'll never catch her obviously flirting with a guy if at all.

-She probably has one, and yes one, not even two, best friend and everyone else is more like an acquaintance who she sees maybe a couple times a year. This friend is her world and only with her friends does she act like her true self and let her guard down. You can tell she has a hater side and probably a small discreet tattoo somewhere. She also wears her in that "i'm a naughty good girl" way: hair parted with the locks to the side (all over one shoulder and not both). Which brings me to the next thing...

-You can tell she's very into appearances. She's constantly monitoring and improving her image although you wonder who she's trying to impress. She has a nice slim body, tanned and you can tell she's very classy. She probably comes from a nice family, possibly rich, but what you know for sure is that it's not a bad family. It's likely she's a single child - daddy and mommy's little girl - but you get the feeling daddy and mommy might be divorced and she might have moved around a lot as a child.

-She's generally pretty quiet, at least to most people. She doesn't show very much emotion at all, even in bed. She never initiates or craves sex, but of course she still enjoys it because it's sex after all. You wonder if she has the capacity to really love or feel but everything is still a mystery. You rarely see her with a guy but if she is with one he's usually a bad boy because they're the only ones with enough confidence to deal with a girl so mysterious.

So I hope you can piece together the kind of girl i'm referring to. I'm not so sure she falls under the submissive/independent continuum but let me know if she would belong in the middle. I hope you can relate and provide some analysis on these types of girls e.g. why they are why they are and how to handle them. They don't seem like ideal partners just because they don't seem to be able to connect, but I'm so interested in what you have to say because I'm very very curious. Ty.

Chase Amante's picture

Neither Girl

Author

Ty-

These are actually the girls on the extreme end of the independence scale, with a bit of narcissism mixed in. They don't test much because they just don't care. They don't talk too much with strangers because they aren't that interested in people and generally see themselves as superior to most of the more pedestrian individuals around them regardless. They take care of their appearances because they have a great deal of pride, and want to make sure everyone else has no reason not to notice their superiority. Anyone who doesn't gets dismissed as foolish and irrelevant. They don't flirt because they could take men or leave them.

In bed, they're not usually that good because they've had no reason or motivation to learn how to please a man. They just don't care about the man's enjoyment. I had a girlfriend like this for a while; when I ran Strawberry Fields on her, her response to, "And what would you say to the farmer whose strawberries you were eating?" was, "Who cares about him?" She was quite a character. But, ultimately, not really LTR material, that's for sure. Very interesting and educational, these girls are, though.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Thanks


Exactly what I needed! This site has changed my life

Nuncle's picture

?


Chase, this is indeed good stuff as usual but it does confuse things a little in that it appears to clash with the advice often given in pick-up circles and life that you have to be bold and seize your opportunities. You know all the "Dude! She was sitting on your sofa, she kept stroking your hand and she said you had nice arms and you didn't go for it!!!"

I personally often look back on times past and slap my forehead and think "Oh hell how many signals did she give me? How can I have missed that she was interested?"

Any guidance on when we should assume we are being signalled and when we should just file it under "empty flirting"?

What are the sort of situations about which we can genuinely say "Dude! She gave you a green light there! How could you have missed it?"

Chase Amante's picture

Signalling

Author

Nuncle-

With situations where you're unsure, just lead things to the next step and escalate compliance. You will very quickly find out if she really was super into you... or not.

I've seen lots of the "dude, she was SO into you!" comments, and what you need to realize is that most guys are very poor judges of this. I've taken groups of students come out, and have them be incredibly impressed because some girl was "so into" me or one of the other students, when in reality she was utterly refusing compliance, while continuing to flirt. Alternately, I've had students and mentees watch me pick up and sleep with girls that they'd later tell me how surprised I was, because she didn't seem interested in me at all.

Most guys just aren't good at gauging which girls are actually interested, and which aren't. Much of the PUA industry is built on this - a lot of the infield footage that focuses on getting makeouts with girls, or girls to say / do crazy things, gets viewers really excited at what's possible... without realizing that the PUAs putting those videos together sleep with very few of those girls they're having all those makeouts and wild scenarios with.

Flirty behavior can sometimes be connected to actual intent and desire to mate, but much of the time it's actually pretty divorced from it, and just something girls are doing for fun.

Chase

Samm's picture

I just had the same


I just had the same experience!! I know this as beeing "nice". I think I always fell in love through other girls beeing really "nice" to me. It's funny that you write about this, because I just recently thought about it. The thing is, that when a semi-attractive women is really nice to me, I get the feeling that she likes me more than others. What I didnt realize is, that some women are nice to everyone, that means, that they smile with everyone and touch them(beeing flirty). I will talk with them, they laugh ...and I normally get the idea, that we have a connection..because we seem to have a good conversation. These women seem to have good conversations with everybody lol, but its the true. These women laugh about almost everything and are really easy in making guys fall in love with them.

asianpersuasion's picture

Flirt, But Not With Flirty Girls


Chase,

I think you uncovered a large chunk of wool over my eyes with this article. Thank you! I notice now that while I flirt with just about everyone, I always ramp up my flirting when a girl starts flirting back....

From what I've just read, it looks like I need to do the opposite... Girls that flirt with me should be getting more of my aloof side.

Is that a good rule of thumb to go by? Flirt when the girl doesn't and be more aloof when the girl flirts?

In social circle situations, I'm not sure what would happen if I start being aloof when girls flirt, but flirting with them when they stop.

Thanks for all the insights! When Minnesota thaws out, I'll be looking forward to seeing life spring back into public venues so that I can post more FRs.

- AP

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Flirt, But Not With Flirty Girls

Author

AP-

Good to see you back getting into the swing of things! Yes, that's a pretty good rule of thumb. The exception might be flirty girls you want purely as social contacts, not as potential sexual ones. Think ahead of course - if you might fall for some girl and get a little infatuated later, even if you're not now, still treat her as a potential sexual prospect.

I wouldn't start flirting with a flirty girl after she stops - this can look too much like classic chasing behavior, where the guy "wakes up" after the girl quits investing and realizes he's lost her and needs to get her back.

Instead, just flirt with the girls who aren't very flirty with you, or who are just a little flirting, and be aloof and to-the-point with the ones who are flirty, or were previously. Sort of like, "Hey, I'm going to grab a bite - come with me?" in an inviting-but-noncommittal tone.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Flirts, unite


I want to thank you so much for this article. I'm so happy to have found this website. After having read a couple of articles, I immediately noticed the difference between them and all the other content on this subject on the internet.

I'm a flirt. I flirt all the time with women I would never date, women to whom I'm not attracted or with whom I expect no future. I've never thought it might mean anything to them. I've always kind of assumed that they're in on what's going on and they feel the same as I do, that is: I'm flirting only because it's fun, funny, and makes the day go faster. I didn't even consider it flirting, I've always thought of it as a sense of humor or something like that.

At the same time, I seem to continue to get my heart broken by pursuing flirty girls. For some weird reason it never occurred to my caveman brain, before you pointed it out, that they're also human beings like me who like to flirt, without having intentions of commitment, relationship, or sex.

I appreciate so much the time and thought put into these amazing articles; they're gold!

Anonymous's picture

I've long noticed that girls


I've long noticed that girls who are very comfortable flirting with me from the get go usually see me as nothing more than platonic friends. Girls that like me are usually a bit nervous when talking to me.

However my issue is that when I can tell the girls are obviously attracted to me (e.g. stealing glances when I'm not looking), they get nervous sometimes even to the point of uncomfortable when I start talking to them (especially if I ramp up the sexual vibe with shy girls), which more often than not makes them shut down a lot quicker than I had expected. It makes the situation awkward and makes me lose interest because they don't respond very well when they are not comfortable.

This seems like a sticking point I can't really get past: how do I make them comfortable around me but not so much that they only see me as a platonic friend?

(Note I have a very boyish look which makes people don't take me as seriously as other guys my age, and I could have somehow subconciously responded to this by trying to compensate this aspect by being a lot more sexual and aggressive than my looks permit?)

Chase Amante's picture

Girls Getting Too Nervous

Author

Anon-

That's pretty common to run into when you've got your fundamentals down and come across as a pretty attractive guy; no worries. Check out these articles on putting girls sufficiently at ease around you when they're feeling nervous / like you're out of their leagues:

As for boyish looks, aggressiveness can help, and sexuality is big - facial hair's another:

Chase

MonteCristo's picture

Girl Advice


Chase; I've been parsing through your site for a few weeks now and I have to say, this is the best dating-related website I've ever come across. Well done, sir. I have a rather perplexing question for you, however; so this gorgeous girl I used to hang out with that you could qualify as a "love at first sight" type just recently contacted me after 2 years (no typo) of no contact. We went out on a total of 3 dates, and on the 4th time we hung out, with friends, it ended shortly thereafter. To this day I believe it was because I was too intoxicated that night and because I proceeded to "smother" her when she talked to other guys (big mistake on my part). We never had sex, but after our 3rd date a while back, we were in my bed and were close, but she then said something along the lines of "I can't do this right now because I don't want to have sex too soon." We used to text a lot but then it got to a point where she was always busy or something.

So fast forward to present day: she contacted me a few months ago, and almost right after we started talking again, she broke up with her then boyfriend and is currently single. I haven't talked to her in awhile, because I'm just letting the dust settle (the last time I was the "rebound" guy so I'm trying to avoid that moniker again). Soo one day it was cool then it just abruptly ended...and now, after 2 years, we are starting to talk again, albeit online. What do I make of this and how would you approach the situation? Much obliged, Chase.

Chase Amante's picture

Rebound

Author

Monte-

Girls will pretty commonly get in touch with both ex-boyfriends and guys they liked / flirted with in the past when the break up with an ex. It's part of their "let's see what else is out there / see if there's anyone I hit it off with" routine. Chances are, she's talking to you, and a few other men from her past, but that doesn't mean you can't get her.

Most important thing of course is just getting her out and getting her in person. She likes you; and she wants to see if the magic is still there. You can't show her it is over correspondence though - you must get her in person. If you can show her a good time in person, you'll be in good shape.

Chase

jonnywishbone's picture

Dating a flirty girl


Hi Chase, really enjoyed reading this article. I'm currently dating what you would probably call a flirty girl. When I first met her she definitely fell into the bracket of being nervous around me, but overtly flirty with other guys. I moved fast with her and things went well. We are now going out, but what confuses me is that I know she is into me (things like compliance, how much time she wants to spend with me, she buys me things, travels to me me etc etc), I still find she is flirty with other guys - like she is really addicted to the attention. Just eye contact and smiling with guys as we walk down the street, waiters in restaurants etc, but in all honestly I don't know how to handle it. Is this normal? What's your thoughts on how I should view/handle this? Would love to see a post on this

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