The Paradox of the Flirty Girl
Every time you see her, she twirls her hair, smiles at you, and asks you how your day is going. She’s just an absolutely delightful girl, and you know she likes you. You’ve just got to wait for the right moment to make your move.
You’ve known her for ages, and it always feels like you’re building more and more steadily towards something happening. The connection between the two of you is undeniable; you can feel it. It’s visceral and real.
What I’ve noticed more and more as I’ve coached men on dating is that so many of the women that men get caught up on and start chasing after are, in fact, not actually women they really do have some special connection with... but rather, in fact, are simply flirty girls.
They’re women who enjoy flirting with men, teasing men, leading men on, and all because it makes them feel good.
No man will ever admit he’s in love with a flirty girl. His ego always gets in the way; of course a woman isn’t just flirting with me; maybe with some other guy, he thinks, but me? She means it with me.
But the flirty girl is not hard to figure out, nor is she difficult to call on her game-playing. It does, however, take an honest view of the “connection” you have with her... and the stones to tell her to put up or shut up.
Why Flirty Girls Flirt
I flirt. I flirt all the time. And women love it.
When you’re a flirt, you’re not thinking, “Oh no... maybe I am leading this person on and making her obsess about me day in and day out,” although that sometimes happens. Much of the time, you never see this because people conceal it, so you’re not fully aware it happens. Sure, it happens sometimes... but not that much, or so you think.
Instead, what you’re thinking is along these lines:
People love a good flirt. Because they do! They respond so well to you... members of the opposite sex absolutely eat up your flirting. They smile; they flirt back; they compliment you and make passes at you. They prefer your presence to almost anyone else. You’re beloved and popular.
People bend over backwards for a flirt. Whether you’re a male flirt flirting with women, or a female flirt flirting with men, members of the opposite sex will go out of their way – sometimes way out of their way – to help you, accommodate you, and just generally make your life better when you’re a flirt.
The world is a warmer, more positive place for a flirt. If you don’t flirt, most people are just kind of bland and neutral with you. But when you’re a flirt, well... suddenly, the world is such a lively, vibrant place! Attractive members of the opposite sex are grinning like idiots around you, and laying down the red carpet for you. It just makes every day a little bit (or a lot!) better.
Flirting is a way of taking a cold, uncaring world and making it a warm, embracing one that tilts in your way. You feel heartened at the warmth and availability of the opposite sex; you feel like you’re playing life an easier way. You love interacting with the opposite sex, because they just treat you like such a wonderful person. It’s easy to get all manner of special privileges from them, just by being you.
It’s not even about being power-mad, although that can sometimes
happen too; nor is it about being a low empathy individual, though
you will certainly find plenty of them among the most dedicated flirts.
Rather, it’s just about learning
something that works,
and sticking to it because you’ve learned it provides results for you
that level up your life, in spades.
Why Flirting is So Powerful
Of course, the reason that people go so crazy for flirts is the hint of a pot of sexual gold at the end of the flirtation rainbow... and because it isn’t spelled out clearly, that leaves what that pot is, exactly, open to the interpretation of the beholder:
If you’re looking for a quick, hot fling, that flirty girl from the next office over seems like she’d be perfect for it.
If you’re fantasizing about a passionate, lust-filled ongoing affair, that flirty girl at the coffee shop counter strikes you as the ideal woman to have that with.
If you’re waxing romantic over a dreamy courtship and idyllic long-term commitment, the flirtatious girl a few apartments down no doubt appears to be your dream girl incarnate.
Human beings are infinitely imaginative, and what the flirt does is provide the seed of imagination, and leave it to the individual to determine what sort of tree that seed will germinate into in his or her mind.
Flirting is far more powerful than outright making moves or expressing direct interest, because it allows you to captivate such a broad audience of disparate souls with disparate romantic objectives.
A girl who’s a flirt can have:
- The guy who just wants to hook up once,
- The guy who wants an ongoing casual relationship,
- The guy who wants a new girlfriend,
- And the guy who wants a life partner
... all doing backflips over her feeling certain she is the most ideal candidate out of every woman they know for that role in their lives.
Of course, the truth is, she’s probably open to one or two of those roles with the right man, but some of them she isn’t even open to considering, and very often she isn’t open to considering them with any of the men she’s presently stringing along.
“She’s NOT Stringing Me Along!”
This is the way most men react when you point out to them that a girl is flirting with them for fun and profit, and almost certainly not because she’s really all that interested in them. They get up in arms; they defend the flirty girl they’re crushing on like a schoolboy; and then, confident that they have “shown you” how wrong you are about her, they go right back to fantasizing about the flirty girl, and how one day they’ll make a move on her (they’re just building up to it and working toward it, is all)... just like every other guy that girl knows.
In a way, being caught up on a flirty girl is worse than when you can’t stop thinking about a regular girl, who isn’t super flirty, because at least that girl isn’t doing anything actively that helps maintain the illusion in your mind of interest.
The flirty girl, on the contrary, is actively prompting you to keep chasing her.
Again, it isn’t because she’s a bad person, or doesn’t care about you (unless she’s one of those low / no empathy women... of which there are some, and you will run into them from time to time); rather, it’s because it feels good to her to get the attention she does from you and all the other men around her... and it makes life easier for her, too.
If you’re not a flirt yourself, just ask: wouldn’t it be swell if all the women around you smiled at you, treated you well, and were happy to help you with anything you might ask them to help you with? Wouldn’t that just be a nice addition to life, if you don’t already have it?
Well, it is. It’s a very nice addition to life.
Even if, some of the time, you ended up unknowingly stringing along someone who’s gotten way more emotionally invested in you than you thought they would. After all, when others flirt with you, you just take it as no more than fun flirting, and flirt back.
But sometimes when you flirt with people who aren’t all that experienced at flirting or being flirted with, they fall in love.
The Paradox of the Flirty Girl
When you’re a male flirt, there exists no paradox in flirtation.
That’s because the women you sleep with and date get flirted with the same as any other girl; you run your routine on them, and when you see them get all goo-goo-eyed, if they’re girls you think are attractive as flings or friends with benefits or potential girlfriends, you sweep them off their feet, take them on a whirlwind, and toss them into bed with you.
If you’re a flirty girl though, it’s quite different.
That’s because for a woman to effectively flirt with you, she needs to feel that she has the upper hand with you. It’s the same when you’re flirting with a girl; it’s easiest to do when you feel you have the upper hand on a girl. Of course, the girls you’re successful at picking up, sleeping with, and dating are invariably the girls you have the upper hand with; the ones who have the upper hand on you usually aren’t interested in anything more than a platonic friendship with you.
So, that leaves the flirty girl in a curious predicament:
- She enjoys flirting with men because of the benefits it brings
- The men she flirts with tend to assume she likes them, and pursue
- But to flirt with a man, she needs to feel power over him first
- And when a woman feels power over a man, she doesn’t feel attraction for him
Thus, women flirt with men they aren’t into, and can’t much flirt with men they are.
The paradox of the flirty girl is that all the men chasing after her, enamored with her due to her flirty behavior with them, are men she sees herself as “over”, in terms of mate value and social status. Meanwhile, the men she’s genuinely attracted to, she’s very often nervous around, unsure of herself, and exactly the opposite of flirtatious... which may well mean she ends up failing to capture their interest.
What Do You Do When She Flirts with You?
There are two ways to deal with flirting that can be productive for you, depending on your desired outcome:
If you’re in a social circle environment where keeping a low profile is important (like flirting at work), and it isn’t worth the risk to pull out all the stops to either get a girl or screen her out, you can simply flirt back, with the understanding that it isn’t “going anywhere” but rather is just a little light, harmless flirtation that makes the day more fun and interesting for both you and her
- If you’re in an environment where consequences don’t matter that
much (like a party, bar, or nightclub), and you’re more interested in
finding a girl to date or sleep with than you are in finding a
long-term flirting friend, you can
pull out your “put up or shut up” game
The first of these two options isn’t much worth discussing, except to say that if you’re going to do it, don’t kid yourself about how likely you are to end up with the girl – it’s almost certainly not happening. She probably doesn’t like you that way, and you’re not going to “make a move” (and if you do, it’s going to be after a long delay, and you’re probably going to be fighting the fact that you’ve become a fixture in her life – even if she likes you, it’s too weird by then to say “yes”). So, don’t get hung up on her – treat flirting as just that: flirting. And save your emotions for women you’re actually sleeping with and dating, instead of long shot prospects you’d need to be trapped on a desert island with to make anything happen with.
The second of these options, though, is going to be your normal flirtation-deflation technique. This is most useful for showing yourself that girls who are flirting with you are not actually interested in you. That’s because if a girl genuinely likes you “like that”, she usually won’t be flirting hard with you (she’ll be too self-conscious to do so); instead, the big flirts are the ones who see themselves as “over” you in terms of social status.
Here’s all you do to tell a girl to put up or shut up: you start escalating compliance. That’s it. That means things like:
- You ask her to give you a sip of her drink or bite of her food
- You ask her to help you with a random task that you need help on
- You tell her to come and sit down with you and talk to you
- You tell her to join you out alone just the two of you for food or a drink
- You begin to touch her more and get more physical with her
- You invite her home with you
If you’re sitting there thinking, “But I can’t do all that! We’ve only just flirted! She isn’t ready for all that yet!” that’s exactly why you do this.
Because you know, deep down, that this girl is not going to respond to these invitations.
Now, think fast: if a girl really likes you, how’s she going to feel about being invited to sit down by you? Ecstatic, right?
All you’re doing by escalating compliance is forcing a flirty girl to reveal her cards. You’re saying, “Okay, you’re acting like you like me – do you? Prove it to me.”
If she genuinely is attracted to you, and you’re escalating compliance somewhat gradually (that is, ask her to sit down first – don’t lead with inviting her home!), you’ll have no problems ramping a flirtation up into a full-blown seduction.
Yet, if she isn’t... if she’s only flirting with you to enjoy the attention... if she just wants to make you feel like she likes you, to play off your fantasies and curry favor with you and win you over into helping her out where she likes and where you please... she will not comply with you, or will only go so far in complying with you, because she doesn’t like you like that.
And once you’ve gotten her to admit it with actions instead of words, and show it out in the open, and put up or shut up, you’ve just removed her power over you, and prevented her from being able to string you along... or even to think of you as some guy she’s got wrapped around her little pinkie, all because she flirted, and you went for it.
The Flirting Turnaround
A closing note on calling out flirty girls: sometimes, the act of calling a girl out on her flirtiness, and forcing her to put up or shut up, can change the way she sees you, and cause her to respect you more and actually begin to feel attraction for you.
What calling her out does, effectively, is say, “You’re treating me like I’m lower status and lower social power than you, but I’m just going to ignore that and treat you like any woman I’m higher status and higher social power than. Care to join me for a chat, and comply?”
It is, essentially, a frame battle. She views you as
lower status and able to be captivated by flirting; meanwhile, you view her as lower status, and able to be
led by your compliance demands. (the reason flirting back doesn’t work
is because flirtatious women read men who flirt back with them as
buying into their frames; only if you’re escalating compliance and
investment from her while flirting back can flirting back be effective
– and here it’s more a helper than the main event; you must be making
her take strong action toward bringing the two of you together)
This won’t always turn things around for you, and sometimes will make them awkward with the girl, if she feels insulted that you don’t recognize her social superiority. Occasionally, though, you can cause a girl who’d thought she was the higher status individual to rethink her assumption, and decide that you are, in fact, the higher status person there.
When this happens, attraction can begin to blossom.
If you’re really set on turning things around with a girl who previously viewed you as lower status enough that she could freely flirt with you, you’ll usually need more than just telling her to put up or shut up – preselection very frequently does the trick here. So, combine these two things – telling her it’s put up or shut up time on her flirting, and then letting her see you being desired by other attractive women – and you may well be able to turn things around with a girl who previously viewed herself as “over” you, socially and mate-value-wise.
Nevertheless, the main value in exposing flirty girls this way is for yourself; it’s in not getting caught up chasing women who just aren’t that into you, and freeing your mind to find the women who genuinely are.
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