A while back I wrote a post on connecting with people. There, I touched on why vulnerability works to connect people from a psychological standpoint and laid the foundation for why it works on women.
But I wanted to expand on why exactly vulnerability makes you more attractive to women.
You see, vulnerability must be used correctly. It isn’t a prescription or excuse to start spilling your guts. So today I’m going to talk about how to use vulnerability effectively and what frames you must maintain in order to maximize your attractiveness to the fairer sex.
You can be the sexiest man in the world; you can have the best fashion, the strongest muscles, and the sleekest haircut; but if you can’t connect with a girl, you’ll never be able to keep her around.
Sure, she may sleep with you once, but she probably won’t return if she doesn’t feel like you get her on some emotional level. And even if she does come back for more, you will certainly not have her sexual loyalty. She won’t think twice about making herself sexually available to other men.
So how do we connect with women and actually keep them around – even if on a casual basis? Introduce vulnerability. Vulnerability is being able to reveal yourself, beyond surface level details and interests, enough that a girl feels comfortable investing in you.
In essence, if you’re using vulnerability properly:
- You reveal enough of yourself that a girl feels like you have depth to your character and story
- But you hold enough back that she feels that she has to work to peel away your layers and find out who you really are
If you can master this balance and make yourself just vulnerable enough, you will unlock a whole new level of attraction from women, along with the ability to deeply convert them.
Being a Man of Mystery
Some people say I’m a social butterfly. That may be true, but it’s not entirely owed to social gregariousness as some social butterflies may attribute their success to. That has been a part of it – I do genuinely like connecting with people and hearing their stories – but honestly, a lot of it came from being ashamed of my personal life. Allow me to share a story.
Throughout my life I’ve worked hard to excel academically, which has meant that I’ve been placed in magnet or baccalaureate programs throughout my life. And for those of you who don’t know what that equates to: it means being surrounded by carefree rich kids. They would walk around school, usually nice enough, but definitely somewhat contemptuous of the poor kids who attended the schools I went to (and these poor, mostly minority kids outnumbered them 10:1).
And I was undoubtedly one of these poor kids. I only wore my brothers’ ugly hand-me-downs; I wore the same pair of worn out shoes every day; my dad cut my hair in the bathtub with an old pair of tiny trimming scissors; and I was always pleasantly surprised when there was more than a few slices of bread and some eggs to eat for dinner.
So when I thought about these rich kids finding out about all of this, I cringed. And when I found myself in their presence, I was worried about harsh judgment being levied upon me as all the other kids –who didn’t actually have to take classes with them – had suffered.
I come from a strong African background, and for those of you who grew up in a strong masculine culture, you know that a big part of making yourself a respectable man is never letting anyone look down on you. Ever. And for those of you who haven’t, I’m sure you’ve experienced this at one point or another.
I knew that I was intellectually on par with any of these people. And I knew that I also had more hustle than 95% of them since I was a poor kid with something to prove. And so, rather than have to risk outing myself or outright lying (I loathe dishonesty), I simply never answered any questions about my life outside of school. I became a master of occlumency.
For those of you who don’t know what that is, let me provide you with a point of reference, since I’m a nerd:
I never talked about my home life. I never talked about which girls I was interested in. I never talked about who I really enjoyed and who I disliked. I never let anyone access my mind outside of academics, sports, and hobbies (unless it was the kids I grew up with, who had little actual contact with the other magnet program kids). And moreover, I always delved deep into other people.
And then a strange thing happened: everyone became obsessed with me. They always felt compelled to confess their deep secrets to me or were always seeking my approval in ways I didn’t really understand at the time. I was deep diving people before I even knew what deep diving was.
Girls kept telling me that I was mysterious and intriguing. Guys kept telling me that I was cool and mature. And so, I kept on with it, feeling good from all of this positive feedback.
When It All Came Crashing Down
I kept up my ways through middle school and high school, and a couple of girlfriends started floating their way into my life.
But, as soon as I started actually dating girls, another strange thing started happening: they’d break up with me within a few weeks. For years I just chalked it up to immature high school girls not being able to control their libido or not wanting to be in a relationship. But then the downward spiral continued: friends who I was mostly cool with started making up terrible rumors about me, and ex-girlfriends started fabricating stories of crazy things that I had said or done to them.
And for about a year I had become a complete social outcast in my high school. I was deemed untrustworthy, and honestly, considered not very short of some sort of evil genius plotting to get everyone.
Toward the end of this year of exile, I was having a conversation with a girl who was probably my last remaining female friend. We got on the topic of my excommunication, and our friendship, and she decided to give it to me straight.
Her: You know Colt, I think that you’re a great guy. But honestly, even after being friends for a couple of years, I still don’t really feel like I know that much about you. I’ve expressed this feeling multiple times, but you always just brush it off or joke around. And I’ve put up with it because we always have fun together, but I think everyone else just kind of got tired of it. People got tired of wondering.
This was a massive revelation. It was the anagnorisis of my life story at that point in time. I realized that I had kept my shield up for so long that people got tired of trying to penetrate it. They just got tired and auto-rejected me out of their lives.
Even then I understood the power of the creative abilities of the brain. The brain can’t handle open loops. That’s why we have stories to make sense of the world. And when people couldn’t figure out my story, they just made up one of their own. And I let them.
At that point I revealed myself to my friend in a way that I hadn’t done with anyone outside of my childhood circle at any point in my life. I told her about my insecurities, my shame, and my worry that people wouldn’t really respect me if they found out where I came from.
And she said (to the best of my memory):
Her: I’m really happy you shared that with me. I feel like I understand you so much more now. And I also feel like I appreciate you more in these last ten minutes than I have in these last two and a half years.
This was a really fantastic thing to hear her say after putting myself on the line like that. And then I thought, “What if I tried this with other people?”
And so I told a couple other of my good friends why I was so mysterious and I got the same extremely positive results. And though I couldn’t be upfront that often (old habits die hard), I found that most of my relationships were being mended to one extent or another.
And then I figured: I may as well be as vulnerable as possible if it works this well. And toward the end of high school moving toward college, I fully embraced vulnerability.
Finding the Vulnerability Balance
Just as anyone who discovers the other side of any coin (e.g., a nice guy discovering the merits of being an asshole), I took the vulnerability level to other end of the spectrum – with unfortunate results – on many occasions for the next couple years. I found myself pining over single girls, telling girls how I feel about them way too early, and getting too invested before the sale.
And because of these occurrences, I started becoming slightly bitter toward women for a little while. However, I knew that you can’t improve yourself by blaming others, so I took to understanding why I kept getting burned, and why I was the one who was seeking other people’s approval nowadays.
And I realized that I was giving away far too much upfront. Now there was no mystery, no intrigue, no underlying challenge for a girl when she encountered me.
And it took several more years of swinging back and forth on the scale to find the right balance for my personality. But these days, I think I’ve struck it pretty well, and I’ve learned how to harness the power of being vulnerable.
And so I can save you years of calibration. Here is what I learned:
You Have to Be Byronic
When dealing with the fairer sex, it doesn’t matter how strong you are in one area. It doesn’t matter if you’re the most intelligent man she’s ever met. Or the funniest. Or the most emotionally open. You need to have a constantly rotating conveyer belt of traits to keep her interested and intrigued.
You Have to be Physically Open
Vulnerability has a great deal to do with physicality as well. Every animal has a soft vulnerable spot (or spots) on its body. For human beings, it’s the area from our necks to our waist – that’s where all of our soft, scantly protected vital organs are. So what happens when people feel scared or threatened? We tense up, bend over, and throw our arms over our midsection.
And when other people see those non-verbal cues, they associate such body language with closed, threatened, unavailable people. That’s why it’s so unnerving to talk to someone who is crossing their arms and legs. It makes you feel like they’re “protecting themselves” from you, which in turn makes you defensive.
It’s the exact opposite when people are open and approachable. They are soft in the middle section, open, and leave themselves completely exposed (think about a dog when it wants you to show it some love). So if you want to use vulnerability to connect with women, you have to learn how to be soft at your core and open up and expose yourself.
This can be very unnerving at first if you’re not used to it. It can activate that annoying lizard brain and actually make you feel like someone is about to jump you. But openness is the absolute key to starting a conversation with anyone and having people approach and invest in you.
So just try walking around with your back straight, head up, and arms down at your sides. And breathe! Lack of breath can constrict the body as well.
And a final note: don’t walk around with your arms behind your back. It makes people feel like you have a trick up your sleeve (like a knife). So it’s the opposite effect of closing off in a negative way.
You Have to Understand Your Own Personality
During my years of calibration I learned that I am more naturally a closed off person both physically and mentally. I don’t like physical contact all that much and I don’t really like telling people personal details about my life unless I absolutely have to or they are a great friend.
So I had to calibrate pretty far to the other end of the spectrum in order to truly connect with people – especially women: who are very emotional, physical, tactile beings.
But this may not be the case for you. I know plenty of people who grew up in very touchy-feely families, and thus are very physical with people and will spill their guts with any sort of prompting. Have you ever encountered a person like that? You ask them one question and suddenly they’re telling you their entire life story. And even if you try to cut it off, they still manage to keep inundating you with details.
That’s being too vulnerable. People haven’t invested enough to want to hear your life story in the first five minutes. So if you’re this kind of person, you’ll want to learn how to withhold details and build intrigue with women.
You Have to Calibrate to the Other Person
Another key piece of vulnerability is learning how to calibrate to the person you are talking to. If a woman is very open and shares deep details with you from the get-go, then you can hang back a bit more and listen, and during appropriate times, you can share a deep detail about yourself so that she doesn’t feel that the conversation isn’t too emotionally lopsided.
But if you find that a woman is particularly closed off, then you may have to use a mixture of light banter and volunteering a detail or two about yourself that makes her probe into the kind of person you are.
And if a woman is neutral, then you can set the tone yourself with vulnerability or work to deep dive her. So the amount of vulnerability you employ – and when you do so – will depend entirely on the vibe and openness of the other person, which you must determine throughout every interaction.
You Have to Calibrate for the Time of Day
Vulnerability is much more effective in day game. In day game, there is less of a “sexual agenda” coming from you in a girl’s head. And she is thinking about how she can go home and tell her girlfriends that she may have met the man of her dreams in the health foods store or at the library, which will make for a cute “how we met story” in the future (ask me how I know that).
And since this narrative is already running through her head, she is much more open to connecting with you. And as a bonus:
- You stick out because few men approach in the daytime
- Emotional needs
However, being vulnerable can work at night as well. If you’re in a more intimate venue or have pulled a girl to a quieter spot, employ some vulnerability in order to connect with her and to make her feel comfortable to reveal herself to you and want to keep the good times rolling.
Always Share at Least One Deep Detail About Yourself
If you preface a story or fact about yourself by saying, “I don’t normally tell people this, but I feel like I can really open up to you...” You will see a girl’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas morning. Women really love the idea of a guy “opening up” to them. It makes them feel special, and if you’re deep diving her properly, it makes her feel like you’re a rare guy who’s strong but also in touch with his emotions.
Vulnerability Shows Her You’re High Value
Vulnerability says to women that you’re not afraid of who you are. And only the most confident guys have a full understanding and acceptance of whom they are. Also, as I pointed out in the last vulnerability article: dominance and confidence are the biggest indicators of short-term mate value. So they allow you to sleep with a girl quickly.
However, comfort, agreeability, and connection are the biggest indicators of long-term mate value. They allow you to actually keep a woman around.
If used properly, vulnerability can make you immensely more attractive to women. I’ve employed it a bit myself today in sharing my story with you (in addition to other views into my life in other posts). If you can simply be comfortable with yourself and understand that some people won’t resonate with that, but that the ones who do will be the people you truly want to keep around, then you can live. And you can live free.
So go out. Put your best self forward. And don’t be afraid to be seen.