Why Vulnerability Makes You More Attractive to Women


vulnerabilityA while back I wrote a post on connecting with people. There, I touched on why vulnerability works to connect people from a psychological standpoint and laid the foundation for why it works on women.

But I wanted to expand on why exactly vulnerability makes you more attractive to women.

You see, vulnerability must be used correctly. It isn’t a prescription or excuse to start spilling your guts. So today I’m going to talk about how to use vulnerability effectively and what frames you must maintain in order to maximize your attractiveness to the fairer sex.


vulnerability

You can be the sexiest man in the world; you can have the best fashion, the strongest muscles, and the sleekest haircut; but if you can’t connect with a girl, you’ll never be able to keep her around.

Sure, she may sleep with you once, but she probably won’t return if she doesn’t feel like you get her on some emotional level. And even if she does come back for more, you will certainly not have her sexual loyalty. She won’t think twice about making herself sexually available to other men.

So how do we connect with women and actually keep them around – even if on a casual basis? Introduce vulnerability. Vulnerability is being able to reveal yourself, beyond surface level details and interests, enough that a girl feels comfortable investing in you.

In essence, if you’re using vulnerability properly:

  1. You reveal enough of yourself that a girl feels like you have depth to your character and story
  1. But you hold enough back that she feels that she has to work to peel away your layers and find out who you really are

If you can master this balance and make yourself just vulnerable enough, you will unlock a whole new level of attraction from women, along with the ability to deeply convert them.


Being a Man of Mystery

Some people say I’m a social butterfly. That may be true, but it’s not entirely owed to social gregariousness as some social butterflies may attribute their success to. That has been a part of it – I do genuinely like connecting with people and hearing their stories – but honestly, a lot of it came from being ashamed of my personal life. Allow me to share a story.

Throughout my life I’ve worked hard to excel academically, which has meant that I’ve been placed in magnet or baccalaureate programs throughout my life. And for those of you who don’t know what that equates to: it means being surrounded by carefree rich kids. They would walk around school, usually nice enough, but definitely somewhat contemptuous of the poor kids who attended the schools I went to (and these poor, mostly minority kids outnumbered them 10:1).

And I was undoubtedly one of these poor kids. I only wore my brothers’ ugly hand-me-downs; I wore the same pair of worn out shoes every day; my dad cut my hair in the bathtub with an old pair of tiny trimming scissors; and I was always pleasantly surprised when there was more than a few slices of bread and some eggs to eat for dinner.

So when I thought about these rich kids finding out about all of this, I cringed. And when I found myself in their presence, I was worried about harsh judgment being levied upon me as all the other kids –who didn’t actually have to take classes with them – had suffered.

I come from a strong African background, and for those of you who grew up in a strong masculine culture, you know that a big part of making yourself a respectable man is never letting anyone look down on you. Ever. And for those of you who haven’t, I’m sure you’ve experienced this at one point or another.

I knew that I was intellectually on par with any of these people. And I knew that I also had more hustle than 95% of them since I was a poor kid with something to prove. And so, rather than have to risk outing myself or outright lying (I loathe dishonesty), I simply never answered any questions about my life outside of school. I became a master of occlumency.

For those of you who don’t know what that is, let me provide you with a point of reference, since I’m a nerd:

I never talked about my home life. I never talked about which girls I was interested in. I never talked about who I really enjoyed and who I disliked. I never let anyone access my mind outside of academics, sports, and hobbies (unless it was the kids I grew up with, who had little actual contact with the other magnet program kids). And moreover, I always delved deep into other people.

And then a strange thing happened: everyone became obsessed with me. They always felt compelled to confess their deep secrets to me or were always seeking my approval in ways I didn’t really understand at the time. I was deep diving people before I even knew what deep diving was.

Girls kept telling me that I was mysterious and intriguing. Guys kept telling me that I was cool and mature. And so, I kept on with it, feeling good from all of this positive feedback.


When It All Came Crashing Down

I kept up my ways through middle school and high school, and a couple of girlfriends started floating their way into my life.

But, as soon as I started actually dating girls, another strange thing started happening: they’d break up with me within a few weeks. For years I just chalked it up to immature high school girls not being able to control their libido or not wanting to be in a relationship. But then the downward spiral continued: friends who I was mostly cool with started making up terrible rumors about me, and ex-girlfriends started fabricating stories of crazy things that I had said or done to them.

And for about a year I had become a complete social outcast in my high school. I was deemed untrustworthy, and honestly, considered not very short of some sort of evil genius plotting to get everyone.

Toward the end of this year of exile, I was having a conversation with a girl who was probably my last remaining female friend. We got on the topic of my excommunication, and our friendship, and she decided to give it to me straight.

Her: You know Colt, I think that you’re a great guy. But honestly, even after being friends for a couple of years, I still don’t really feel like I know that much about you. I’ve expressed this feeling multiple times, but you always just brush it off or joke around. And I’ve put up with it because we always have fun together, but I think everyone else just kind of got tired of it. People got tired of wondering.

This was a massive revelation. It was the anagnorisis of my life story at that point in time. I realized that I had kept my shield up for so long that people got tired of trying to penetrate it. They just got tired and auto-rejected me out of their lives.

Even then I understood the power of the creative abilities of the brain. The brain can’t handle open loops. That’s why we have stories to make sense of the world. And when people couldn’t figure out my story, they just made up one of their own. And I let them.

At that point I revealed myself to my friend in a way that I hadn’t done with anyone outside of my childhood circle at any point in my life. I told her about my insecurities, my shame, and my worry that people wouldn’t really respect me if they found out where I came from.

And she said (to the best of my memory):

Her: I’m really happy you shared that with me. I feel like I understand you so much more now. And I also feel like I appreciate you more in these last ten minutes than I have in these last two and a half years.

This was a really fantastic thing to hear her say after putting myself on the line like that. And then I thought, “What if I tried this with other people?”

And so I told a couple other of my good friends why I was so mysterious and I got the same extremely positive results. And though I couldn’t be upfront that often (old habits die hard), I found that most of my relationships were being mended to one extent or another.

And then I figured: I may as well be as vulnerable as possible if it works this well. And toward the end of high school moving toward college, I fully embraced vulnerability.


vulnerability

Finding the Vulnerability Balance

Just as anyone who discovers the other side of any coin (e.g., a nice guy discovering the merits of being an asshole), I took the vulnerability level to other end of the spectrum – with unfortunate results – on many occasions for the next couple years. I found myself pining over single girls, telling girls how I feel about them way too early, and getting too invested before the sale.

And because of these occurrences, I started becoming slightly bitter toward women for a little while. However, I knew that you can’t improve yourself by blaming others, so I took to understanding why I kept getting burned, and why I was the one who was seeking other people’s approval nowadays.

And I realized that I was giving away far too much upfront. Now there was no mystery, no intrigue, no underlying challenge for a girl when she encountered me.

And it took several more years of swinging back and forth on the scale to find the right balance for my personality. But these days, I think I’ve struck it pretty well, and I’ve learned how to harness the power of being vulnerable.

And so I can save you years of calibration. Here is what I learned:


You Have to Be Byronic

When dealing with the fairer sex, it doesn’t matter how strong you are in one area. It doesn’t matter if you’re the most intelligent man she’s ever met. Or the funniest. Or the most emotionally open. You need to have a constantly rotating conveyer belt of traits to keep her interested and intrigued.


You Have to be Physically Open

Vulnerability has a great deal to do with physicality as well. Every animal has a soft vulnerable spot (or spots) on its body. For human beings, it’s the area from our necks to our waist – that’s where all of our soft, scantly protected vital organs are. So what happens when people feel scared or threatened? We tense up, bend over, and throw our arms over our midsection.

And when other people see those non-verbal cues, they associate such body language with closed, threatened, unavailable people. That’s why it’s so unnerving to talk to someone who is crossing their arms and legs. It makes you feel like they’re “protecting themselves” from you, which in turn makes you defensive.

It’s the exact opposite when people are open and approachable. They are soft in the middle section, open, and leave themselves completely exposed (think about a dog when it wants you to show it some love). So if you want to use vulnerability to connect with women, you have to learn how to be soft at your core and open up and expose yourself.

This can be very unnerving at first if you’re not used to it. It can activate that annoying lizard brain and actually make you feel like someone is about to jump you. But openness is the absolute key to starting a conversation with anyone and having people approach and invest in you.

So just try walking around with your back straight, head up, and arms down at your sides. And breathe! Lack of breath can constrict the body as well.

And a final note: don’t walk around with your arms behind your back. It makes people feel like you have a trick up your sleeve (like a knife). So it’s the opposite effect of closing off in a negative way.


You Have to Understand Your Own Personality

vulnerability

During my years of calibration I learned that I am more naturally a closed off person both physically and mentally. I don’t like physical contact all that much and I don’t really like telling people personal details about my life unless I absolutely have to or they are a great friend.

So I had to calibrate pretty far to the other end of the spectrum in order to truly connect with people – especially women: who are very emotional, physical, tactile beings.

But this may not be the case for you. I know plenty of people who grew up in very touchy-feely families, and thus are very physical with people and will spill their guts with any sort of prompting. Have you ever encountered a person like that? You ask them one question and suddenly they’re telling you their entire life story. And even if you try to cut it off, they still manage to keep inundating you with details.

That’s being too vulnerable. People haven’t invested enough to want to hear your life story in the first five minutes. So if you’re this kind of person, you’ll want to learn how to withhold details and build intrigue with women.


You Have to Calibrate to the Other Person

Another key piece of vulnerability is learning how to calibrate to the person you are talking to. If a woman is very open and shares deep details with you from the get-go, then you can hang back a bit more and listen, and during appropriate times, you can share a deep detail about yourself so that she doesn’t feel that the conversation isn’t too emotionally lopsided.

But if you find that a woman is particularly closed off, then you may have to use a mixture of light banter and volunteering a detail or two about yourself that makes her probe into the kind of person you are.

And if a woman is neutral, then you can set the tone yourself with vulnerability or work to deep dive her. So the amount of vulnerability you employ – and when you do so – will depend entirely on the vibe and openness of the other person, which you must determine throughout every interaction.


You Have to Calibrate for the Time of Day

Vulnerability is much more effective in day game. In day game, there is less of a “sexual agenda” coming from you in a girl’s head. And she is thinking about how she can go home and tell her girlfriends that she may have met the man of her dreams in the health foods store or at the library, which will make for a cute “how we met story” in the future (ask me how I know that).

And since this narrative is already running through her head, she is much more open to connecting with you. And as a bonus:

  • You stick out because few men approach in the daytime
  • Emotional needs

However, being vulnerable can work at night as well. If you’re in a more intimate venue or have pulled a girl to a quieter spot, employ some vulnerability in order to connect with her and to make her feel comfortable to reveal herself to you and want to keep the good times rolling.


Always Share at Least One Deep Detail About Yourself

If you preface a story or fact about yourself by saying, “I don’t normally tell people this, but I feel like I can really open up to you...” You will see a girl’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas morning. Women really love the idea of a guy “opening up” to them. It makes them feel special, and if you’re deep diving her properly, it makes her feel like you’re a rare guy who’s strong but also in touch with his emotions.


Vulnerability Shows Her You’re High Value

Vulnerability says to women that you’re not afraid of who you are. And only the most confident guys have a full understanding and acceptance of whom they are. Also, as I pointed out in the last vulnerability article: dominance and confidence are the biggest indicators of short-term mate value. So they allow you to sleep with a girl quickly.

However, comfort, agreeability, and connection are the biggest indicators of long-term mate value. They allow you to actually keep a woman around.


Wrapping Up

If used properly, vulnerability can make you immensely more attractive to women. I’ve employed it a bit myself today in sharing my story with you (in addition to other views into my life in other posts). If you can simply be comfortable with yourself and understand that some people won’t resonate with that, but that the ones who do will be the people you truly want to keep around, then you can live. And you can live free.

So go out. Put your best self forward. And don’t be afraid to be seen.

Carpe diem,

Colt

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Comments

Alcaeus's picture

Beautiful Piece


Vulnerability, calibration, conversational leadership. Awww... Simply beautiful.

This article resonated so well with me that I had to show my appreciation, because for the most part, I was the same way in middle/high school.

I deep dove others to cover up my own insecurities.

I feel you.

And just as you stated. At the heart of every healthy social relationship is vulnerability. You have to give to get, which in turn forms a honest connection.

Thank you Colt (This is one of my favorite posts to date)

J's picture

Racism


Hey guys i know this is wayy left field for this article but i was wondering, what makes people rascist and hate another race so much and act like their more superior than the other races. I was looking at some youtube comments (i know a bad place to see comments) and the comments are just so filled with hate regardless of race. Its so sad now that if I click on a fight video or anything relating to violence or even comedy, I can expect racist comments on videos. What do you guys think makes racism so present. I feel like its just getting stronger and stronger, Thanks for any imput guys have a good Night!!!

David Riley's picture

Learned Behavior


Hey J,

Racism is learned from people's family, friends, or their culture. People can also develop prejudices from bad interactions with prior groups of people. Now whenever they interact with a member of that group, they will judge off a prior experience. The media also doesn't help either because it showcases a lot of negativity from each group. As far as the family factor goes people will avoid interacting with another group of people so they don't get disowned from their families. This applies much more to women because they rely on their families more than men do. Ultimately, people act behave a certain way even if they don't agree with it so they can fit in.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

One of the things my dating


One of the things my dating coach impressed upon me was to share something personal about myself when I'd approach a woman to make small talk and feel her out as a prospective date.

And for the longest time I had difficulty doing this, even after my intense coaching sessions. It finally dawned on me that this was due to having lousy childhood in which my grandfather constantly verbally and mentally abused me for his own sadistic enjoyment. He'd constantly make me feel useless and inadequate. Every little thing I'd ask him would be greeted with utter annoyance, because he basically hated my guts. He'd always pick dinner time while I was trying to enjoy a meal to go off on me in front of other people. And for the longest time, I would sit there quietly while he got his rocks off this way.

Because of this, I learned to keep things to myself because if I did say anything I'd only be greeted with more belittling and verbal torment. I still recall one time I had just showered, and I was warming myself up with the heater. He came home a bit early that day and surprised me. I knew I was going to get shit for turning on the heater, but I didn't think he would blow things way out of proportion. He yelled at me for wasting electricity. I told him I was fucking cold and he didn't like this at all. The man was a fucking asshole. He got his son to drive all the way over and yell at me, for the next 10 minutes.

Colt, we all have our own demons. Yours was the feeling of inferiority from being looked down by rich, entitled snobs that never earned anything in their lives. Mine was an assholes called my grandfather. Years after his passing, I would still reel from his sadistic nature. I was suffering from acid reflux disease for several years. The doctor ruled out everything medical and said I simply had too much acid. One day, I came to this epiphany: I had associated eating--something that was supposed to be enjoyable and pleasurable--with stress, purely because of this man who chose dinner time of all times to go off on me.

I'd eventually gotten over this, but only some 15 years after his passing. Over time, I learned forgiveness and did forgive the guy. It was freeing! Getting here though was very hard. And as a side-effect of my forgiveness, I started to become more open to people, something that once took me months, even years, to do so.

I wish I had the guts all those years ago to stand up to him. I would have had my ass kicked royally (I'm Asian) but, man, it would have been worth it.

David Riley's picture

Agreed


Hey Anon,

Dealing with family members can indeed be tough and I also accept that people do deal with their own demons. To take it to the next level, I believe that if people don't confront their demons it affects different areas of their life. They possibly won't be able to connect better with people or won't be able to focus during work. Facing your demons and fears is indeed hard, but I believe it is very rewarding. Some people just have to accept their short comings.

One of my demons was trusting people from being lied to and betrayed during points of my life. This kept me from having very fulfilling relationships with people. Fortunately enough for me, I learned to open up to people and share things when necessary. I began to let go of the fear of being judge and really began to embrace myself as a person. It really helped learn about various groups of people on a more personal level. Interactions for me stop feeling forced and began to feel natural. I got more comfortable with being around people and trusting those who deserved trust more. Anyway great topic and thanks for sharing.

Take care,

Just Dave

anonimos's picture

timing


should you show vulnerability before sleeping with a girl or after?..i may have skip reading an article that was something about this...

David Riley's picture

Article Link and Experience


Hey Anonimos,

Experience: From a personal perspective, when I was being vulnerable with a girl before sleeping with her it didn't hurt my chances. It only showed how much more rounded of a person I was. Now I will say that I never sought to over do it. I would use it in moderation to further build a connection between the two of us.

Article Link: Being Vulnerable The article where Chase goes really in depth about the concept

Hope that Helps!

Just Dave

kami's picture

Good...Very Good


This is one of the most well-written articles I've read on here in a long time. Your word usage, paragraph flow, and tone are marvelous, Colt. Keep up the good work. Hopefully, everyone on the GirlsChase team steps up their writing game after reading this comment. I only see consistent good writing from Chase and Colt. Better writing equals better communication which for a website like this equals better comprehension of the information you all are giving out. Best to everyone. I've learned a lot reading these articles over the years. I am a fan.

islander's picture

I believe that vulnerability


I believe that vulnerability and personal details should be peeled off in layers. If a girl wants to know more about me, I'll let her work at me and make her feel like she's solving a mystery. Maybe cause I've found I want girls who actually want to make more of an investment in me than I do in them. There are precious few girls I've ever met that made me want to know more about them. It seems like more and more girls these days are flaky, self-absorbed sluts. The more experience I get with approaching and gaming girls, the more jaded and bitter I get. But every once in a while, I see some cute, well-dressed girl walking around and I just say "screw this" and go approach her. That usually gets me going back onto the approaching kick. And so the game/disillusionment cycle continues and perpetuates itself....

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