Connecting with People: It's Easy (If You Do These 3 Things) | Girls Chase

Connecting with People: It's Easy (If You Do These 3 Things)

You know those people who can just walk into a room and instantly become best friends with everyone? It seems like they have some secret quality that makes them charming, magnetic, and completely approachable.

Have you ever wanted to be one of those people? Chances are you have. And I bet you still do.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s much, much easier than it seems to learn how to connect with people – to anyone and nearly everyone – anywhere, anytime, anyplace.

connecting with people

Today I’m going to show you a few simple steps to transform the way you interact with others, and master connecting with people.

Colt WilliamsAbout the Author: Colt Williams

Raised in the American Midwest, Colt Williams made a name for himself in dating with a style based on soulful poetic seductions and playful dance floor antics. His style is all about inspiring girls and drawing them into one’s world. You can book phone coaching with him here, or get a copy of his guide to getting laid on Tinder, the product of months of study and experimentation by him on the medium.

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Comments

ASR's picture

.This is gold. I have had some similar experiences a the one you describe with the sad girl. And logically those experience happened when all three requirements were met.

Especially the first and third principle are Alfa omega if you want to experience more intimacy, which is what everybody really wants(??)

Author
Colt Williams's picture

ASR,

Thanks for the comment! You hit the nail right on the head. Everyone does want more intimacy at the end of the day. Even in just random hookups!

Cheers,

Colt

Michal's picture

So it depends on what your vulnerability is then. And it seems that the "researcher story teller" from the video tells us that vulnerability comes down to what we dont have, what we want but can't really make happen. Or have trouble doing so. Like the one: "Having to ask my husband for help because I am sick and we are newly married." - I mean, this is a vulnerability?
I see that as a form of a need. Neediness basically for specific thing.
And the more you need it AND act on it the more needy you become. Like that example: You need someone to help you because you are sick. And in a relationship you usually can go off your way and help her because you know she will help you in the future. You already made that connection and you completely the other person to a degree.

Now...
If I meet a girl and we like each other and she she tells me her boyfriends were abusive and controling and how she wants to be cherished and such while I want experience with more girls... Then she has something to offer to me (a girlfriend) and I have something to offer to her (guy who treats her almost like a princess - in certain situations of course). As I said, we complete each other in a certain way.

But...
If my vulnerability is in not having a girlfriend and hers in not being successful at work, all I can do is give her some advice, how to look at things differently and so on, but at the end, if she is not attracted to me, she will not fulfill my "need". So it is only up to me if I am a "good person" and help her. Unless I find something else she can offer to me and "trade" my advices for that.

And last related but different perspective.
If she wants a man who will cherish her, she came to this by some conclusion. Most likely based on her past experience. She wants this, because it will make her happy or her life easier, be more satisfied with herself or anything else (or she just thinks this is the solution to have a nice guy boyfriend for a while). But now, in order to feel that way she NEEDS the guy who cherishes her. Which makes her needy.

If I am really thirsty, you know I am thirsty and you have an orange juice then you deduce that if I dont want to be thirsty, I need your orange juice. 2 things can happen:
1) you ask me, if I want a sip and offer me that in order to fulfill my need.
a) I take it - thanks, very kind of you, bla bla bla...
b) I refuse - thanks, but I dont drink this, doctor said I can only water, bla bla. Made up a lie to mask my need to appear stronger.
2) I ask you which shows my neediness for your juice. If you know I am thirsty you understand I need it and come to a conclusion I am taking from you while not offering anything else. I can offer you a piece of chocolate but if you dont like that I am screwed. Or you can be a good guy and let me have a sip - its just a drink.
But if we apply this on something more serious - you will not be my girlfriend just because I want one and you are a such a great person that you will let yourself be "mine". You want something in a return and there are limitations.

What I am trying to say is - you CAN'T be vulnerable without offering the right thing/providing the right kind of value. Because vulnerability is a need. If you need something, people will trade it with you for what they need unless it is cheap for them or they are just nice people (or more like generous).

Author
Colt Williams's picture

Michal,

You shouldn't confuse vulnerability with need. If you want a gf but don't have one, or are hungry and find yourself in a restaurant, then you are absolutely right: that's a state of need.

However, vulnerability is almost the opposite of immediate need. At least for a strong, well-adjusted man. For most men, you *don't* want to share to more intimate details of your life's failings because you always want to present yourself in the best light.

But showing your weaknesses is the only way to make yourself approachable and human. Because connection is just as important to our well-being as something like breathing. I talked about this same point in why you don't want to be her perfect man.
http://www.girlschase.com/content/why-you-dont-want-be-her-perfect-man

You don't want people to idealize you if you actually want to connect with them. You *need* them to not idealize you, but if you want genuine connection, then you need to be vulnerable.

It's not about being "the right kind of vulnerable." It's about two people getting past surface level interaction and forming a bond over having actually gotten to know each other. And that comes from asking the right questions and genuinely caring.

Which is why I love this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfHV4-N2LxQ

I hope the distinction makes sense and I appreciate your commentary!

- Colt

Matt C's picture

Colt,
I love this one!
I checked every point three times, and I do everything except for one:

"Sharing personal details about your life"

I don't know why, but I miss this one all the time. Especially with female friends.. I have many of them, really close ones. Which help me out all the time and I do the same. They tell me their deepest secrets.
The only problem is: I don't.

Even not so close female friends tell me I know basically everything about them and they don't know anything about me.

How do I make female friends feel special? I simply don't do anything like that naturally, I never feel the urge to ask them for advice or tell them how my weekend was... I never seek validation from them and they feel like they're not important.

I trust them, I don't think they'll judge me, etc.. But I still don't feel the need to tell them that kind of stuff. Should I change that?

What do you think?

Regards,

Matt

Author
Colt Williams's picture

Matt,

I used to have this exact problem. Sharing with women was something that just didn't come naturally to me.

And to be honest, even though I do it more often now, I've realized that friendships with girls are usually a lot more fleeting, so I don't sweat it too much if they don't know everything about my life.

But the key is to sit down, and consciously give them *one or two good nuggets* every so often. So, say you had a really bad experience as a kid that you don't tell many people about, you should say: "I don't really talk about this with many people. But I trust you enough to share this with you. So, when I was younger..." and you tell them what it is.

But with women, they love psycho-analyzing the WHY. So if you can tie that in, you're gold. I always tell female friends/girlfriends that I grew up in a family where men were always taught to be tough, and we didn't really have much physical contact (when we weren't fighting). So i never really learned how to touch people in a loving way until really recently. And am still working on it. Which is why I can be standoffish sometimes. So forgive if I'm like that and you don't get it.

See what I did there? I revealed a *tiny* bit of mystery about myself, tied it to a weakness of mine, and built empathy by telling them to forgive me if I'm not always physically affectionate. But I think with women, you always should keep *some* air of mystery. It just makes them more invested in you if they can't figure you out. And attachment, as we talk about, is almost entirely dependent on what the other person invests. And it sounds like they've invested a lot. Just give them those small rewards so that they stay happy. But...even if you do feed them a little info....it'll just make them wonder more ;)

And I'm not saying that this is the case with you, but if there ever comes a time when you want to hook up with a friend, it's easier if you're this "knows everything about me but still a mystery" guy vs. "Oh Matt! I know him inside and out!" Feel me?

I hope this helped Matt! Thanks for the comment and thanks for the love!

-Colt

Matt C's picture

Wow - Thanks for the reply!

I'm glad you understand me, since most of my male friends didn't.. But I have another question:

I understand everything you're saying and I think by telling them what you tell them you are creating a byronic image of yourself. If that's correct, I'd be really thankful if you could give me some more examples and/or give me another way of handling my previous mentioned problem.

I have thought a lot about the byronic personality, flaws, etc., but since I'm still a teenager (and because I'm still new to pick up, although way above average in my social circles) I have a hard time establishing that vulnerability.
Do you understand me?

I hope I don't take up too much time of yours and you can help me again..

Regards,

Matt

Anonymous's picture

I am in hgih school right now and not only do i want a girlfriend which is why i came to this site, but also for advice on how to make more friends. I have them but i want to become a better conversationalist since Im not great at it.

Also, what should people do if a few people are in a conversation and your there and have nothing to contribute. It happens to me sometimes where Im hearing the conversation from others but i have absolutely nothing to say on the topic.

Matt C's picture

Focus on one thing at a time (like eye contact, deep diving, etc.), and try to learn things by one on one conversations. And don't worry about having nothing to say, if you have a dominant vibe, saying less is even better than talking all the time!

Matt

Aspirant's picture

Awesome article man this is gold

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