How to Be Cool: The Ultimate 4-Part Coolness Formula


I taught myself how to be “cool” as a junior high student many years ago. It was an intuitive process for me at the time, though filled with social experiments and trial and error – and lots of beating up on myself to get it just right.

I’ve spent years trying to figure out a good way to teach all the aspects of being cool. A way to boil it all down to something simple, streamlined, and easily remembered and used by anyone who aspires to “cool”: who wants to be that person that everybody else just looks at and says, “Man, that guy is cool.”

how to be cool

How do you transform someone who “doesn’t get it” – whom others laugh at, make fun of, disrespect, or ignore – into someone they look up to, gravitate toward, and esteem?

To do this, of course, you need good tactics – you need to be able to give them the “what to do”; but more than this, you need the underlying principles: what is it about cool people that just makes them so damn cool?

Well, after years of non-starters on an article about this, I will say that I have successfully boiled “cool” down to four (4) core elements that are eminently doable and absolutely teachable.

Get all four of these right, and you will be – without question – unstoppably, unspeakably, almost unbearably cool.

And the best news is, all any of them takes is a little practice and, yes... a little discipline.


What Does It Mean to “Be Cool”?

Before we get too deep in, let’s take a breath and define “cool.” What is it?

The word “cool” as a positive description of an individual entered the modern lexicon to describe someone’s composure:

“He’s as cool as a cucumber.”

All that means is that he’s calm; he’s impassive; he’s unmoving.

Rather than hot and high-spirited, he is suave and composed. Maybe even calculating... or at least thinking 3 or 4 steps ahead of everyone else in the room.

We look with admiration upon people who remain unflappable even in high stress situations (and in fact, this will be a central tenet for our understanding how to be cool), and we do so with almost alarming breadth.

In The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger’s Joker is “cooler” than Christian Bale’s Batman because the Batman gets angry when you push his buttons right. Meanwhile, no matter how unexpected the situation or how well his opponents succeed, the Joker never loses his cool, and never gives up the appearance of being completely in control and having things playing right into his hands.

Not to mention the fact that he constantly adds “value” (in terms of insights, information, energy), achieves massive outcomes with seemingly little effort, and breaks rules like the anti-authority psychopath he is... all while challenging others to step up their games and join him, too.

Psychopaths / sociopaths (of which Ledger’s Joker character was one) are demonized in the media and made to sound like pure out-of-control nut jobs, but when you meet them in real life, they are frequently among the most magnetic, charismatic, interpersonally appealing individuals you will meet – because they are very cool customers.

You will also frequently notice that many experienced military veterans and many successful entrepreneurs also come across as extremely “cool” – this is not just the domain of those with their empathy switches turned off. Why? In their cases, they’ve generally faced massive amounts of hardship and punishment, and come through a crucible of trials and tribulations and survived:

  • The military man surviving basic training, combat, and hazing experiences, putting himself through a gauntlet of discipline and navigating the military chain of command when he’s typically come from a loose and supervision-free background

  • The entrepreneur surviving years of near-failure, trying to not go out of business despite no income and spiraling debt, fighting with the world to make it, beating back vultures who want to prey on his meager early successes, figuring out a path without anyone to guide him, and emerging as one of the few success stories in a realm where 9 out of 10 fail out within a few years, and most of the remaining 1 out of 10 never make more than a middle class income.

On the other side of these experiences, the other side of the fire, is a level of self-sufficiency and a degree of “seen it all, been through it all” that the average man does not know and cannot know, which leaves the military veteran or entrepreneurial success story or others similar to them cooler and calmer and less intimidated by the vagaries of life than the majority of the masses around him.


How to Be Cool: The 4-Part Coolness Formula

Obviously then, unflappability is one part of our 4-part formula. Here’s what all four of the parts are:

  1. Always provides value; never only takes it

  2. Remains cool and unflappable; always in control

  3. Sticks to the Law of Least Effort religiously

  4. Breaks the rules at least some of the time

Before you wave your hands and announce is too much for you, let’s talk about what these aren’t.

“Always provides value; never only takes it” doesn’t mean that someone cool never receives value. To the contrary; thanks to the Law of Least Effort, cool people are tremendously focused on attaining results for their efforts.

Rather, what it means – and we’ll explore this much more in-depth below – is that even while they get value, they give MORE value. They are virtual value-distribution machines.

“Remains cool and unflappable; always in control” does not mean that they do not feel emotion, either. Cool people can, and do, feel, just like regular people. What it means instead (and again, much more to come on this in just a moment) is that they modulate (control and temper) their external emotional displays, and force themselves to think before they act. You might just as easily say that they are very careful about how they react in all manner of situations.

“Sticks to the Law of Least Effort religiously” does not mean that cool individuals take no action so as to seem minimally effortful. The Law of Least Effort has two parts: minimize effort while maximizing returns. Someone who dives to catch a baseball in a natural, unrushed, effortless-looking way is a firmer adherent of the Law of Least Effort than someone who stands still and doesn’t bother when he could catch the ball because he doesn’t want to look like he’s exerting too much effort. The latter man simply looks inept, and ineptitude is the antithesis of the Law’s focus on results and capability.

Lastly, “Breaks the rules at least some of the time” does not mean you go around stealing knick-knacks and vandalizing buildings and ripping off old ladies. Although, if you do a few of these things, much as I hate to admit it, it probably will make you cooler (to a point). There are lots of ways to break the rules, however; the main point of this one is that you are not controlled by the rules.

Now let’s dive into the meat of this article, and busy our minds on how to be cool.


Cool Factor #1: Always Provide Value

how to be cool

One of the Commandments of Cool: always provide value; never take it.

The first thing I look for whenever someone tells me he doesn’t know how to be cool and that other people don’t like him, or consider him annoying, or exclude him from groups, is someone who operates from a negative value position.

That is, he’s someone who does not add value to the social situations he enters himself into; he subtracts it.

He siphons it away.

He attempts to tap other people for his own social needs, without providing sufficient payment to them for this up front.

Here are some of the ways guys make themselves look uncool with this accidentally:

  • Trying to lead in ways that don’t match the group. For example, hanging out with a group of guys and girls who really just want to relax and talk, and he starts proposing that they all go out and play Frisbee since the weather’s so nice... but this is completely misaligned with the vibe of the group. This forces everyone else to have to try to communicate their disinterest in the idea to him, which hurts the vibe and detracts from the emotions of the situation.

  • Asking for value without providing sufficient return value. An example of this is asking someone for help or whether he can borrow XYZ object, without providing at least some social value in return – a warm smile, graciousness, and a sense of appreciation from a high value person, for instance. Alternately, he may attempt to offer return value, but it’s not properly gauged and isn’t something the other person values, or isn’t valuable enough to balance out what he’s asking for (e.g., a value imbalance). Thus, he’s a net drain on value as a result.

  • Directly or indirectly insulting others. Cracking jokes at others’ expense, “tooling” others, positioning oneself as “over” or “above” something others have expressed interest in – all are examples of posturing that others pick up on and detract from the overall value being passed around. Sometimes people lower on the social ladder think this behavior signifies “coolness” since they see those higher up than them doing it, but it’s really social ladder climber behavior and you never see it in the upper echelons of “cool”... it’s more the behavior of the middle and lower upper individuals, infighting with each other for minor (and often fleeting) position changes. People who do this and seem somewhat cool owe their coolness to other factors, not this; they are cool (kind of... if you’re lower on the ladder than they are) in spite of this behavior.

  • Bring the mood down with negativity. Complaining, whining, bitching, moaning, fatalism, pessimism, victim mentality – all these things are major detractions from the mood and make someone seem genuinely uncool. Cool people can be sad... but they are sad in powerful, contemplative ways – they do not complain, bitch, whine, or mope about, because they are not lashing out impotently, nor are they casting about for help. They are only momentarily sad, reflecting on a loss or defeat before picking themselves back up and sallying forth once more into the fray to go get what they want out of life.

The individual who knows how to be cool follows a different set of rules than these; while the uncool individual looks tryhard because he is following a rule set of, essentially:

  1. Try to take the lead
  2. Get the stuff you want
  3. Position yourself as powerful
  4. Gripe to get attention and compel others to help

... while the cool individual follows a completely contrary set of rules:

  1. Lead if the group needs it and will benefit from it
  2. Provide value to others, in exchange for value, or just for fun
  3. Ignore selfish status jockeying (and shrug off anyone who tries it)
  4. Never bring the group down with your own problems or weaknesses

See the difference in the mental models of the uncool person and the cool person?

  • The uncool person is very focused on his status within the group
  • The cool person is almost entirely focused on what he brings to the group

While the uncool person looks around for ways to steer the group or take control of the group or get value from the group, the cool person thinks about how he can add to the group and provide value to the group and be a net positive addition to the group.

The result? The guy who provides the MOST social value to the group becomes the most highly VALUED member of the group.

Ways you can provide social value:

  • Make well-timed, amusing jokes
  • Tell engaging stories that people enjoy
  • Lead the group when it’s what the group wants and needs
  • Bring good emotions and positive energy to the group
  • If you ask for value, provide equal or superior value in return
  • Instead of tearing others down, build up their value and grant social status
  • Any time you can’t provide value, just stay quiet and wait until you can

The overall rule that all extremely cool people obey:

Make EVERY action a VALUE-GIVING one.

Every time a cool person interacts with other people, his aim is to provide value.

Even if he’s asking for investment – he does it in a way that still provides value.

If you listen to the voice tone used when making requests and commands, you will notice that the tone itself does not come across as if it’s much asking for or trying to get something from the other person, unlike the “neutral” or “normal” tone people ask for things in – instead, the communication is, “If you’d like to provide this to me, I am a high value person and you will have my gratitude.”

(now, if she doesn’t genuinely see you as high value, this comes off annoying / uncool / an attempt to siphon off value anyway; if she does, then this comes across exactly as you intend it to. So, the perception of the individual remains crucial to how his actions are interpreted – don’t go demanding compliance before she views you as a high value / high status male and you can make the request seem value-giving instead of value-taking)

The gist of it is, people want to be around people who constantly provide value, and they don’t want to be around people who take it.

If you work hard at being someone who is just a bottomless well of infinite value in every interaction you participate in, people will seek you out as someone they simply must have around... because they want access to all that value (and at that point, you’re responsible for selecting as friends and associates those people who “get it” and provide value back to you, and screening out the vampires who only want to suck you dry).

Note that there is a learning curve to this, and you will spend time putting yourself out there and trying to be valuable and having some of your attempts fall flat and make you look tryhard or even value-taking. That’s okay. If you keep the focus on refining your actions and presentation to make everything you do net positive in social value for all involved, you will develop this ability rapidly and get there sooner rather than later.

As discussed in “Sprezzatura”, you must spend some time as Jester before you become King.

Simply be mindful of that as you do, and keep in mind that the King is the end destination with the Jester a mere pit stop on the road to there; do this, and you will hone your capacity to provide value in all situations to a razor’s edge.


Cool Factor #2: Be Unflappable at All Times

how to be cool

This is the one that seems to trip people’s kneejerk reactions most often: “Why should I have to be calm and controlled all the time? Sometimes life is unpredictable! This is a completely unreasonable expectation!”

Here’s the thing though: how cool does anybody reacting that way appear to you to be?

The man who knows how to be cool knows how to stay in control. He’s the one on top of the ball in all situations, and no matter how insane things get, they’re either playing into his hands, or will be shortly.

Why is this “cool”? Because all “cool” is, ultimately, is a signal of social preeminence, and the man who knows how to pull out a win out of even the most dire situations is inevitably the man we look to in those and other situations. He is the truest, most reliable, and most admirable kind of man: he’s the kind we’d all secretly (or not so secretly) like to be.

Before you say, “But I have emotions!” keep in mind that “unflappable” doesn’t mean you never show any emotion ever.

The cool man gets angry when the situation calls for it; and he shows passion when the time comes.

However, even in these moments of emotion, he remains in control – of his surroundings, and himself. His passions are directed passions, and at no point does he relinquish control of the moment.

The cool man’s anger is never an impotent cry of, “Why? It’s not fair!” but rather a powerful one of, “This is an outrage – and you will pay.”

The cool man’s passion is never a pleading one of, “I’ll do anything to be with you!” but rather a mighty one of, “I will ravish you; I will give you the experience of a lifetime.”

Here are some of the mistakes individuals make along these lines that make them look patently uncool:

  • Begging or pleading. Nothing says, “I have no control over my life or person,” like begging or pleading. “Please! I need your help! I’ll do anything!” Subtract 50 cool points then and there. Not only does this make you look the polar opposite of unflappable and in-control, but it also makes you an instant social burden – here is this person who’s so low value socially that he can’t offer you anything for your help... all he can do is beg it. Makes one wonder what all those men are thinking who write songs for the radio begging women to give them a second chance... because if she was ambivalent about them before, one spin of that song on the radio and she will despise them after.

  • Complaining, bitterness, and victim mentality. Next in line is complaining, bitterness, and victim mentality. Why do people do / become these things? People complain when they want something and can’t get it. People become bitter when they want something and can’t get it repeatedly. And people descend into victim mentality when they want something and can’t get it over the long-term with just about everything in their lives. Now which of these communicates power, control, efficacy, and capability? None of ‘em. And they’re among the most off-putting behaviors you can put on display.

  • Being a sore loser. Everyone loses, quits, and fails at things. Cool people probably do more than most, actually – because, very often, they have more active lives with more experiences, and try many new things. Failure is an inescapable part of this. There are many ways to handle failure gracefully that actually enhance your cool and cause others to admire you more – but uncool people don’t do these. If they fail at something, they go whine, pout, and mope around. They blame others for their failure. They dismiss the thing they failed at as “a waste of time” or “beneath them” or “not worth it anyway.” But everyone who hears someone say something like this knows what it really means; it isn’t an accurate judgment of the worth of the thing being assessed, but rather a mark of the proclaimer’s inability to control his outcome and get the result he so very much desired. Not cool.

  • Indecision. “Let’s go here... no wait, let’s go there.” “Why don’t you pick... no, I don’t like that choice of yours. Nah, that one’s no good either. What, ME pick? No, I don’t really have an opinion...” “Wait, so should I do this? Or the other one? How to choose...” Indecision due to lack of information is understandable – but what a cool person does in this case is to decisively pursue the required information. Don’t know what’s behind Door #1 or Door #2? “So, before I choose one of these, what’s behind Door #1 and Door #2?” They won’t tell you and there’s no way to get that information? Then just pick one. Unless you’re telepathic, the answer won’t just “come” to you. It’s not hard to be decisive – but many people aren’t, and it’s major negative cool points when you can’t make up your mind.

The uncool person appears weak and impotent to the outside observer because he follows a set of rules whereby he strips himself (or, as he would see it, is stripped by unbeatable outside forces) of all his power:

  1. If other people have things he wants, all he can do is hope they’ll share
  2. When life goes awry, he complains, hoping others will hear and help him
  3. When he loses, he pouts, hoping others will give him consolation
  4. When it’s time to decide, he puts it off, not wanting to risk being wrong

... meanwhile, the cool person does and thinks the opposite of these:

  1. If others have things he wants, he just needs to find out what THEY want
  2. When life goes awry, he grabs his balls and gets back out there to fix it
  3. When he loses, he accepts this graciously, and resolves to do better next time
  4. When it’s time to decide, he simply decides; if he’s wrong, no big deal

In this case, there are two (2) key mindset differences between the cool vs. the uncool approach to “control” over one’s own life and sphere (and, to a degree, all the people and situations within it).

The first of these, related to personal power and effectiveness, is:

  • The uncool person sees himself as a recipient of the effects of life
  • The cool person operates as an actor who causes life’s effects

The second of these, related to the “seriousness” of life, is:

  • The uncool person takes everything VERY seriously – it’s all a big deal
  • The cool person takes everything in stride – if it doesn’t work out, I’ll try again

These two little differences lead to an ENORMOUSLY different way of dealing with the world, with opportunities, with risks, and with hardship.

Where the uncool person tosses up his hands in the face of adversity and says, “See? More proof that it’s utterly futile!” the cool person only smiles, squints, and says, “You want to play hard, life? Well, I play harder.”

The latter – the man with grit – is the kind of man we admire and respect.

These are all mentalities you can develop, and to some extent are a lifelong endeavor. The things you have the least experience with (and the least success with) you will always tend to blow up into the biggest deals and view as the most life-or-death issues around you. The more experienced and the more successful you become, the less of a big deal they are.

Which is another reason that very calm, cool, “devil may care”, unflappable men seem so damn powerful – the implication is that they’ve been there, done that, and succeeded in all manner of arenas.

They are life’s winners. They are the victors.

And everybody wants to be friends with the winner.


Cool Factor #3: Stick to the Law of Least Effort

how to be cool

While it isn’t something most people talk about, it is something that every cool-looking, socially powerful, and masterfully experienced person does: he adheres very closely to the Law of Least Effort.

Whether you watch a master fly fisher effortlessly cast his line, then smoothly reel in and yank back up a giant fish before you know it, only to wonder to yourself, “How on Earth did he do that? I can leave a hook out there all day and catch nothing!”... or you watch a beautiful woman slink through a crowd in a nightclub commanding the attention of everyone around her despite her slow movements and statue-like poise... that’s the Law in action.

All this is is the outward appearance of minimal visible effort, coupled with the achievement of maximum, and often outsize, results.

Place a novice piano player next to a master pianist. The novice works very noticeably diligently, but his playing sounds rough and his songs are basic. The master plays effortlessly (unless he’s on a very dramatic piece and putting on a good show), but his playing is beautiful and his songs are complex. We immediately hold the master in far more esteem than the novice, and the relationship of effort to outcome is why.

Every cool person you will ever meet instinctively knows this, and constantly and very often consciously works to minimize the apparent effort he puts out while maximizing his apparent effectiveness.

Most “regular” people do not understand this aspect of social power, however, and focus more on gaining equivalency of effort to outcome – I should be able to put effort in and get an equal amount of outcome back out, they think.

You wouldn’t pull ten all nighters in a row just to pass a 10-question quiz responsible for 5% of your grade in school, for instance. You want to balance out the effort you put into it with the outcome.

But people who are neither focused on how to be cool nor on how to master anything usually do not strive to go beyond a net neutral effort-to-outcome ratio in their lives. Going one more than this takes a level of expertise and dedication that most people simply don’t want to put the energy into acquiring.

Here’s what the uncool get all wrong about the Law of Least Effort:

  • Chasing with little thought to image. These are the guys who just dump epic loads of highly visible effort into chasing vigorously after whatever they’re trying to get. If that makes them look pathetically desperate in the meanwhile... so be it! While persistence is good, it’s a very different thing from chasing. You must be able to set your ego aside to get good at anything and let people watch you persist and fail and try again, but the folks who are uncool are the ones who set ego so far to the side that they will relentlessly hound people far past the point of any normal persistence and far outside their own skill levels, making them look both inelegant and incapable.

  • Results are consistently poor. The cool individual gets consistently great results for (apparently, though not always actually) little effort. The uncool individual gets consistently negligible results for consistently Herculean effort. This is the guy who is practicing the same exact tennis serve every time you walk by the tennis court and he never gets any better. This is almost always a failure of identifying what his weak points are and fixing them, and/or of seeking out a mentor who can do this for him... so he just repeats the same actions again and again without ever getting better, like one of those wind-up toys that walks around and around in a circle, forever destined to repeat itself. To anyone paying attention, this looks distinctly uncool.

  • Doesn’t play down effort. Talk to an uncool person about something he’s working on, and the first thing you will usually hear from him is how hard he’s working. The next thing you will hear is how meager his results are. This is opposite what you’ll hear from a cool person, who will imply he’s done little to no work, while reaping great rewards. The reality is that somewhere along the line the cool person has done a lot of work to reach the point where he can reap those rewards, but he knows it makes him look a lot more powerful if he can represent himself as mysterious and naturally just “falling into” his returns. The uncool person doesn’t get this, and instead tries to glorify himself by pointing to how hard he’s working despite the lack of result... which only makes him seem ineffectual.

  • Failure to casually advertise results. Just as the uncool person plays up his effort, he also typically either plays down his results, or goes too far in promoting them. When playing them down, this can be because he’s unhappy with his performance, compared to other people he’s aspiring to match or surpass, and he communicates this disappointment loudly and clearly; when playing them up to far it may be because he thinks if he beats his chest loudly he can willpower others into amazement and awe. Typically, both leave observers feeling like his results are paltry... especially next to the massive effort he’s apparently had to put in to get them.

The uncool individual follows a rule set regarding to effort/results that dictates he:

  1. Chase down the things he wants doggedly no matter how it looks
  2. Keeping swinging for the fences over and over and over until he gets a hit
  3. Discuss his level of effort expended, so everyone knows how hard he works
  4. Pan his results, because he’s displeased, or brag about underwhelming results

Meanwhile, the cool individual follows a different set of rules:

  1. Pursue the things you want, but be mindful of how you’re perceived
  2. If something isn’t working, figure out why, and tweak it for effectiveness
  3. Play down your level of effort expended – no one cares how hard you worked
  4. Discuss results casually and gracefully, communicating experience winning

The mindsets here that differ are:

  • The uncool person wants to be seen as hard-working and just unlucky
  • The cool person wants to be seen as effortless, effective, and lucky

In other words, the uncool person is trying to explain away his lack of success by saying, “Hey, I’m trying!”

Meanwhile, the cool person is just successful.

Because of these mindset differences, the uncool person will go out of his way to show off his mountains of hard work, while also showing off his dissatisfaction with his results. He hopes that you will admire him for his pluck and determination... when oftentimes all that happens is he ends up looking like someone working really hard to push a dump truck by hand to the other side of the street when there’s a tow car just down the block. This only looks like madness and idiocy.

The cool person, on the other hand, is extremely aware how idiotic large amounts of effort without equal or greater returns appear to people, and so conceals his effort to minimize the risk of him being perceived socially as inept or idiotic. When effort is invisible, even small returns look good, and LARGE ones make the cool individual look like a rock star because of the multiplier effect.

Perceived result divided by perceived effort:

  • The uncool guy appears to put in 200 effort and gets 5 result. His resulting social power is 2.5%

  • The cool guy appears to put in 6 effort and gets 10 result. His resulting social power is 166.7%

Those are made up numbers, but I’m convinced the brain uses a similarly simplistic calculation to determine raw social power – it’s perceived results divided by perceived effort (the reason it doesn’t use “real” results and “real” effort is because these are subjective and unknowable – instead, the brain calculates based on what it perceives a given individual’s results and efforts in a given undertaking seem to be).

Now, there’s another mindset difference between cool people and uncool people when it comes to the Law of Least Effort, too:

  • The uncool person avoids getting out of his element because he fears failure
  • The cool person seeks to get out of his element to up his experience levels

We’ll talk about these more just below in the section on breaking rules. Interestingly, there’s some overlap between these two; rule breaking can also be a far more efficient means of achieving an objective, and, therefore, sometimes the Law of Least Effort will all but require bending or breaking of rules.

Regardless, by increasing his experience in unfamiliar environments, the individual who knows how to be cool knows he can make himself both more unflappable the next time he encounters similar situations, and he can gain experience doing a thing so that he can get better results with less effort the next time around.

The uncool person generally is extremely rigid and does not want to go out of his element, because he already struggles enough in familiar situations, and he reasons that spending a lot of time in unfamiliar situations will just be like this, multiplied a hundredfold. He never realizes that exposure to a wider variety of new situations and experiences will actually make him cooler both in new situations, and in the ones he’s already familiar with right now.


Cool Factor #4: Break the Rules

how to be cool

According to the 2012 paper “Coolness: An empirical investigation”, published in the Journal of Individual Differences, breaking the rules is one of the key elements of being cool... so beyond intuitive correctness, this point now has some empirical research backing it up, too:

Some people are routinely described as “cool,” but it is unknown whether this descriptor conveys trait-like information beyond mere likability or popularity. This is the first systematic quantitative investigation of coolness from a trait perspective. Three studies of North Americans (N = 918) converged to identify personality markers for coolness. Study 1 participants described coolness largely by referring to socially desirable attributes (e.g., social, popular, talented). Study 2 provided further evidence of the relationship between coolness and social desirability, yet also identified systematic discrepancies between valuations of coolness and social desirability. Factor analyses (Studies 2 and 3) indicated that coolness was primarily conceptualized in terms of active, status-promoting, socially desirable characteristics (“Cachet coolness”), though a second orthogonal factor (“Contrarian coolness”) portrayed cool as rebellious, rough, and emotionally controlled. Study 3, which examined peer valuations of coolness, showed considerable overlap with abstract evaluations of the construct. We conclude that coolness is reducible to two conceptually coherent and distinct personality orientations: one outward focused and attuned to external valuations, the other more independent, rebellious, and countercultural. These results have implications for both basic and applied research and theory in personality and social psychology.

While the researchers concluded that there two different “kinds” of cool, and boxed rebelliousness / rule-breaking in with only one of these, I’ve yet to see anyone considered “cool” who doesn’t liberally break rules in various ways.

And believe it or not, almost any kind of rule-breaking wins you cool points; even going on a rage-fueled, senseless murdering spree, like the one Elliot Rodger went on in Southern California, can turn you from a zero to a hero quite quickly... as evidenced by the sudden surge in female attention and admiration the guy who’d never kissed a girl received following his murderous (and suicidal) spree: “In Death, Girls (and Boys) Swoon Over Santa Barbara Mass Murderer.” You see this same thing with virtually every serial killer or rule breaker of every sort.

It’s also why you getting arrested by the police is undeniably hot to women, and if you’ve never been cuffed and stuffed into the back of a cruiser, well, as someone who’s been in that position several times, I can’t say I’d recommend it, but if it happens to you, don’t forget to thank the officers for keeping you off the streets and in women’s beds. When the police are after you, you ARE a rule breaker, and rule breaking is cool.

The uncool guy, alternately, is the one who doesn’t break the rules. Here’s what he does wrong:

  • Tries to go by the book, unfailingly. I was guilty of this as an uptight 19-year-old manager in charge of maintaining order over a group of 30- and 40-something year old auto shop technicians, many of whom had served in the military or done multi-year stints in prison. I feared anarchy in the shop with the far older and more experienced workers if I did anything other than follow company dictates to the letter... and that made me incredibly lame to them. There’s nothing lamer than the tightwad who insists on following the rules – because oftentimes, the rules do not apply to a certain situation (or, occasionally, any situation), and following them makes no sense. If you can’t deviate, you’re not very attuned to what’s needed, or able to adapt – and, thus, not very cool at all.

  • Respects authority too much. A healthy respect for authority is good for learning, and necessary for self-preservation. Yet, those who toe the party line aren’t the ones we look to as “leaders”; they don’t think for themselves, don’t act for themselves, and are too afraid of the consequences to do what needs to be done. Hip-Hop became as popular as it did even among suburban whites in the 1990s because its very foundation is the questioning and challenging and skirting of authorities and their rules; because of this, it became the ultimate “cool” music of its generation... just as rock and roll had been in the generation prior to it, and the tango another generation before. Individuals who are too in love with their authority figures invariably seem extremely uncool.

  • Treats others’ boundaries as absolutes. Why do women love bad boys and assholes so much? One of the reasons is that these men ignore women’s arbitrary boundaries and pull them along for an adventure, kicking and screaming if necessary. People who are too cautious of others’ boundaries are uncool. Most people are overly cautious, and KNOW they’re overly cautious; they want someone who will come along and override their weak, fearful protests and drag them off to a life of adventure and excitement and fulfillment. Those who can’t do this are just more of the disappointing same, and not the ones to be counted upon to bring energy and electricity to their existences.

  • Fears consequences as big and bad. What happens if that girl rejects you? Or you fail that exam? Or try that thing your boss didn’t want you to try and it blows up in your face just like he told you it would? What happens if you leave it all behind and go travel the world? Or start your own company? Or join a friend’s startup? Might you fail? The uncool individual sacrifices success in order to avoid failure. Because he doesn’t want to be rejected... to fail that exam... to fall into his boss’s targets... to face uncertainty on the road and in his career... he doesn’t do these things. And because of that, mounds and mounds of amazing, incredibly, unconventionally good things that he could have in his life he will never have. People want to be around those who are constant sources of fresh inspiration, success, and opportunity – not the ones who stay stagnant in the same stale places day after day, month after month, and year after year. Not remotely cool.

The uncool person is operating from a paradigm of fear and avoidance:

  1. I’ll go by the book, and even if something goes wrong it won’t be my fault
  2. I’ll respect authority, and thereby not get on their bad side and get hurt
  3. I’ll respect others’ boundaries, so as to not invoke their anger and dislike
  4. I’ll avoid taking risks, because the chance of bad outweighs that of good

The cool person, on the other hand, operates from a paradigm of pursuit and endeavor:

  1. I’ll do what seems like is needed, and if I’m wrong deal with the consequences
  2. If authority is wrong, it does not deserve my respect or submission
  3. If people are living fearfully, it’s my duty to challenge their boundaries
  4. I’ll embrace risks, because without these I can’t grow; I can handle setbacks

What’s the mindset difference?

  • The uncool person avoids responsibility by hiding behind rules, regulations, boundaries, and authority to escape any blame or dislike if things don’t work out

  • The cool person accepts responsibility by forging his own path, and disobeying rules, regulations, boundaries, and authorities he thinks are foolish, outmoded, or misguided

This is mainly a difference of fear – fear of the consequences if the rules are not stuck to. The uncool person views every potential rule breakage as a VERY SERIOUS, very big, deal.

The cool person views the consequences of rule breakage as “nothing I can’t handle.”

You could boil this down to “confidence”, or perhaps to “competence” – the cool person figures he can deal with whatever the consequences are, and in any event the opportunities far outweigh them – while the uncool person fears those consequences, looks at the potential rewards, and says, “It’s just not worth it.”

Again, very often, this “lack of confidence” or “competence” on the uncool person’s part is simply a lack of realistic assessment of risks vs. rewards – because he’s never tasted the rewards of breaking rules like this, they aren’t “real” to him, and he’s ascribing outsize significance to negative consequences of being caught breaking the rules or breaking them and having things turn out poorly, and not accurately gauging the fruits of the rewards, should he break the rules and meet success.

The only way to get a more accurate gauge is for him to swallow his fear, break the rules, and go after the end goal he desires, and experience what it’s like to get it, and get a taste for what both the punishments and the rewards are for breaking the rules, first hand. The punishments are hardly ever as bad as imagined... while the rewards are frequently far more satisfying than they were imagined to be.


You Are Now a Cool Cat

I’ve just handed you every tool you need to be cool.

You now know that you need to:

  1. Always provide value; never only take it

  2. Remain cool and unflappable; always in control

  3. Stick to the Law of Least Effort religiously

  4. Break the rules at least some of the time

The most challenging aspects here will be the mindset shifts. If you can make these, and align your own thoughts with those of “cool” individuals, you will have a pretty straight path to becoming cool.

The good news is, I think these should mostly all be pretty intuitive shifts to make once you have them pointed out to you – they’re things you mostly were somewhat aware you probably should’ve been doing before anyway, but when you see them stated plainly the effect is stronger and more visceral than just a gut-level instinct that you might want to switch things up from how you’ve been doing them.

The really good news is that almost nobody knows this stuff fully and completely consciously... nobody. You will never catch anybody else talking about this. You’ll come across bits and pieces of it here and there, perhaps scattered across the Internet, but these are just various people rubbing away their looking hole into a dust-caked window of the House of Cool. Instead of giving you a peephole to look through, I’ve just unlocked the front door for you so you can walk in and make yourself at home.

What this means, of course, is that you can take “cool” to a level that no one else around you has taken it. Because even among the very cool, these rules and mindset differences are still mostly subconscious, and the subconscious desire to “be cool” is routinely overridden in various situations by various other internal motivations. The only way you become consistently extremely cool is by becoming so completely dedicated to following your gut instincts that you never stray from the course... or, by elevating your understanding of cool to a level of consciousness that allows you to follow it at all times, by implementing rules, and being mindful of what you must do and why you must do it.

It’s not easy being cool.

Once you’ve got it down though, the world is at your feet, because “cool” (trendy as the term itself might be in English right now) is and always has been the very pinnacle of what we admire as men.

Yours,
Chase Amante

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Comments

PUA Brian Kinney's picture

Hello Chase, I've been


Hello Chase,

I've been reading your amazing posts, they're just awesome.

I have an important question regarding the rule #1. It is difficult for me to understand how to add value to the interactions all the time without being perceived as the typical nice guy who spends most of his time doing favors/compliments/requests to others for being accepted and loved, of couse this men always fail and people normally abuse. So,

How do you always add value to interactions AVOIDING the nice guy frame so people perceive you as really cool? any examples?

Keep up the amazing work!

PUA Brian Kinney

Ib's picture

It's all about timing, you


It's all about timing, you can't just suddenly do a favor for a guy when he didn't ask for it, nor give a random compliment.

Here's an example on compliment: I was out with some friends this weekend, and they had with them a guy I had met two times before, who didn't really seem to like me. He hadn't shaved for a while, so one of the girls started saying it didn't fit him, and he should shave. And all I said was that it looked cool and that girls find it sexy. Suddenly he was all nice to me and wanted to be my friend.

I wasn't just giving him a compliment, I was also disagreeing with the girl and I was on his side. If I had said it was cool right when I met him, it would come of as weird and I wouldn't get the same response.

David Riley's picture

Co-Sign


To add to this comment when you over compliment people, you come off as a try hard and uncool. Along with that people don't like when you suck up to them. It can be flattering at first, but then you just start annoying people in the group. Soon members in the group will begin wondering what is up with you. This is why I really like Ib's example so much. It shows the perfect timing of what to do. It also shows how to handle people who don't particularly like you. You see it in TV shows and movies all the time, sucking up to people who don't like you will not make them like you more. Anyway good discussion.

Take care,

Just Dave

David Riley's picture

Co-Sign


To add to the comment, I would actually say the example Ib gave above was a great example. It shows you the right things to do. The last thing you want to do is suck up to people who don't like you. No one likes suck ups. People can tell when your trying to hard. When you're being relaxed as in Ib's example above everything comes off as natural. People will be warmer to you and will want to be around you more. People will be receptive to you when you feel like you get them. That's where you want to be and that's what helps you be looked at as a cool person.

Just Dave

Driver's picture

Great Article Man


I don't think you could have been more right about everything in that article. I especially liked all the comparisons you drew between the cool vs. uncool. Really solidified all the ideas for me. Any idea why the uncool guy is so uncool? Maybe a product of social conditioning? Or a life of ruled by fear?

"These are the guys who just dump epic loads of highly visible effort into chasing vigorously after whatever they’re trying to get."

Realizing this is definitely uncool, starting out in a field where you are inexperienced but want success, such as pick-up, do you think this is almost necessary for success or mastery?

On always giving (more) value, I think this is a very masculine way to live. In my experience most cool people are grateful to receive value, but there are people who resent masculinity, more men than women, usually very uncool people, who balk at, and even try to punish or dominate, a person who gives value so freely. Do you think these people can be "won over" to accepting value and giving value back?

You're the man Chase.

David Riley's picture

Dignity


Hey Driver,

Uncool:
To answer your question about the appearance of the uncool guy when he's pursuing something, it's about their dignity. They don't mind being taken advantage of and sucking up to whomever to get it. They follow what everyone else says and they don't bother to think for themselves. They're looking for someone to acknowledge them and they don't care how they look. They lose respect for themselves and shamelessly go after what they want. Even if it means being made a fool out of. Uncool people will let people degrade them if it means they can obtain whatever it is they want.

Masculinity:
Eventually people like that can be won over. It just depends when and where you meet them. If I happen to meet someone who doesn't value masculinity, I ask them why they feel that way. I'm not trying to judge them, I'm just seeking to get their perspective. When they're done telling me that, I ask them if they've ever considered looking at it another way. Then I probe with questions about my point. Not in a judging manner. It's more like why did they pick the green crayon vs. the purple crayon. By making them think, we can come to a sort of middle ground.

A lot of men dislike masculinity for a number of reasons, they didn't have any positive male role models, the masculine image is under attack, or they're trying to side with feminists. It could be a number of those factors. If a guy is hating on masculinity in front of a girl, it's because he thinks she'll sleep with him for his disdain for men. Some guys are just that desperate for sex. Media has been playing a large affect in how men are portrayed in society. They're look at as idiots, rapists, misogynists, or whatever word is trending these days. Either way the media is basically saying men are bad and can't be trusted. As a results some men feel that if they talk about how bad men are, some girls will give them pity sex. It just doesn't work that. Anyway, that's a little inside why some men hate masculinity.

Take care,

Just Dave

V's picture

Help


Hey Chase, this was a great article. I have a question that I would love for you to answer because I went through it as well. Dave I would like your advice on this too, and please get chase to answer this because we went through the same exact things.

When I was in high school I would get girls but I missed a whole lot because I thought they weren't attractive enough, and I remember you said you had girls chase you in high school also, but never got with them.

It's driving me crazy now because I missed so many easy ass lays and could of been a natural. I want to know how you dealt with this before you consistently got women.

It drives me so crazy that I didn't sleep with all that easy pussy, it's making me depressed. What did you do chase to get over it? What would you do dave?

And if it never bothered you, how do I let it stop bothering me and get some easy pussy?

Thank you

David Riley's picture

Hindsight is 20/20


Hey V,

For me when I look back on situations I'm looking at them as an adult man and not a teenage boy anymore. Back then I didn't have the resources I do now and the experience I have. Therefore I can't beat myself up about something I didn't know how to handle. I took the high road and sought to learn about women and research how they thought. I realized I was "strong" (strong meaning here that I didn't have the experience at the given time) at the time, but I could get more experience and become stronger. That's what I spent the majority of my high school years thinking. I made the best decisions I knew how to make and would compare results during my next interactions.

It's easy for me to look back on my previous attempts with women, and say, "Duh! How could I have missed that?" Back when I was a teenager it was more like, "Damn, surely there must be a solution to this problem but was is it?!" I'm a lot more sure and confident in my abilities these days. The way I got better was researching how to get better with women. I didn't find Girlschase, until about half way through my freshmen year in college. Before that I read the game and forsook mainstream dating advice because it was getting results. I started going for a more unorthodox approach with women. I noticed when I went more experimental I got higher results and when I went mainstream I got lower results. It all came down to me having a burning desire to understand women.

Now also keep in mind I get paid to be a researcher these days so I don't mind spending hours and days reading on a certain topic. I am also a scientist where I don't mind going out into the field and relentlessly testing a hypothesis. One of the things I can tell you, is you can be so hard on yourself. Not every experiment will go the way you want it to. I always seek to make new mistakes because there's a problem if I keep making the same ones. That my friend is called insanity. Track your results and don't be afraid to try new things.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

zup


One hell of an article man! I just have this one question with an issue that is like a stick in my spokes. Im a 20 year old guy but i dont think my voice is fully developped. When i am in an unfamiliar environement or stressed, my voice tends to get more high and child like. I read your article on voice control but i think the issue is the stress levels! Any advice you might give me how to stay composed and decomress?
Thanks

David Riley's picture

Article Link


Hey Anon,

Check out this article:

Brain Hacks for Stress

Let me know if that helps.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

thanks


I will definately check it out! To be honest though, after this post, i began implementint the law of least effort and day by day my stress is begining to fade away... must be the slowness of movement and speech somehow affecting me on a subconsious level... anyways thanks!

David Riley's picture

Glad to Hear


No worries Anon,

I'm glad to hear the problem is fading away day by day.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

This still happens to me from


This still happens to me from time to time too

Anonymous's picture

Same


Especially when im hungry or had too much caffeine. Its gets hard to control your state of mind when your thoughts are racing through your head hence why i am stressed.

David Riley's picture

Powers Fading


Hey Anon,

When I get hungry, I can feel my energy fading at a very rapid rate. This can lead to high levels of stress and increased aggression sometimes. As soon as I get food back into my system, my energy and drive comes back up. It like a car, it runs better when it's on fuel rather than empty.

As far as caffeine perhaps cut the amount of caffeine back that you are consuming on the day to day. This should help bring down the stress levels. Our problems are easy to fix when we start examining the causes.

Just Dave

Emile's picture

thanks


Thanks for the advice Dave! Already dropped to half a cup a day and seeing results!

Take it easy,
Emile

Wolf's picture

Tinder


Dave I've been on the boards and have read you used tinder to your advantage. Now as a fellow black man what advice can you give me that works? Because I heard black guys get no love at all and only want light skin the most.

Thanks

David Riley's picture

Unorthodox Style


Hey Wolf,

Yes, I have had results with Tinder and find it very useful if I use a very witty style. I am a dark skinned around Kevin Hart's complexion. However the way I set up my profile helps tremendously. On my Tinder profile I have 2 full body pics:

1 of me reclining in a night lounge after my concert
1 of in a plaid shirt with blue jeans on a sunny day with my arms to my side
1 My last photo is a face shot of me with my fraternity letters, and a smirk that says "I know you want me."

My profile has just one line, "I know you like chocolate ;)" - This does one thing it filters out automatically all the girls who don't like black guys. It also let's her know that I can be her guilty pleasure

I've also used "I like girls who smile ;)" and "I don't bite ;)", your lead picture helps tremendously. My lead picture was the one of my letters. Girls would eat that up when I was in my college town. When I was back home in my hometown, I would have to change it up. The reason was that some girls may not know my fraternity or may have had a bad experience with it. I would also add if you are tall, make sure to have full body shots. Girls will assume your fat if you just have face pics.

Likes: Some days I would be choosy and other days I was lax. Girls I actually ended up banging with girls, who I would have passed on. Sometimes I would think too she was too "white", but turns out she was actually into black guys. I avoided big girls like the plague. I know some guys who would plow through, but if I saw only face shots I didn't go for it. I was once driving with a buddy of mine who clicked like on every picture and got an escort and a tranny. Being choosy helps your cause.

Messages: Follow the texting template from the website. Sometimes a girl will message first but she could potentially be an escort or a spam bot. I am very direct and to the point. "Hey Jane, hope your day/weekened/week is going well." She will reply, I'll say she looks like an interesting person. Then I will suggest a meet up on the third message. This will filter out bad leads and save a lot of time. If she's interested she will say yes. I once had a girl in one of my Tinder LR's tell me if was her birthday. I told her to have me come over and celebrate. I literally went on of my fraternity parties to go have fun with her, and came right back to the party after I was done. Another rule of thumb is to get a girls phone after the agreed meet up and move to there. Some girls delete tinder and then you lose contact with them.

Never message a girl more than once, she got it the first time. Some girls click like on your picture because they know you'll click like on them. On top of that, they saw your message. Maybe they met another guy. Believe girls get matches all day so never take it personal. I would also recommend deleting your account every so often. This way you can try your approach again but with new pictures and profile head. You may see your results increase or decrease. If your at a festival pull out Tindr. If you're at a crazy college festival pull out Tindr. You will meet girls who are down for some action.

Hope that helps!

Take care,

Just Dave

Don's picture

Nuances of value


Hey Chase,

Great stuff here, and really well organized. I still have some questions about the nuances of value. Is it appropriate to give value by smiling and laughing often? I feel like that's a good way to make others feel accepted and well-received... but does it come off as uncool when overdone? I have trouble finding that balance.

I'd love your thoughts! Thanks.

Don

David Riley's picture

Moderation


Hey Don,

When you feel like you have to force a smile or laugh, that's when you shouldn't be laughing or smiling. When you feel a smile creep on your face or feeling yourself about to burst from laughter, let it happen. Basically when I saying is finding a balance is as simple as going with what feels right. When you are laughing and smiling at everything you come off as a nice guy. Now one thing I don't want you to do is begin to over think everything. Just because you're not laughing and smiling at everything it doesn't make you a serious person. If anything it shows you as a person who is not easily impressed. People will often laugh to diffuse tension. Guys who are master conversationalist use this tension to their advantage. Anyway I hope that clears out the moderation issue a bit for you.

Take care,

Just Dave

John.'s picture

Value


I saw this comment and agree with Don that a comprehensive value article would be a great addition to this site. After all the reading I have done here, I find myself being able to understand most of the concepts, but the one thing that is still fuzzy in my mind is the idea of value. Even more important than value itself are the intricacies of providing value.

On another note, I had an epiphany about drinking and doing drugs in high school. The people who drink and do drugs are cooler because they are consistently breaking the rules. Just a little side note.

Anyway, this is probably one of my favorite articles on the site, about a crucial and interesting topic. Thanks for writing it!
Keep the great content coming,
John

David Riley's picture

Noted and Article Link


Hey John,

I will let Chase and the other Author's know about your request. In the meantime check out these articles.

Social Value
Value with Women
Dialing Down Value

Let me know if these help

Take care,

Just Dave

phelwan's picture

Cool


Chase,

Very well put for everyone who is interested. Bravo! Probably on the list for top 10 articles of all time on GC. I like how your whole site is about providing value to the people! You have helped me immensely ever since i was, "lost in the sauce". Thanks! However, how would you explain someone or a type of person who is to "cool for school" or "my shit doesn't stink" type?

Phelwan

David Riley's picture

Class Dismissed


Hey Phelwan,

Basically someone who is "Too Cool for School" or "There shit doesn't stink" feels they are better than most people in their given group. They tend to have a very cocky and arrogant attitude. Sometimes they can be too smart for their own good. Other times they can just be completely full of themselves. They feel like you can't tell them anything because they know it all.

Take care,

Just Dave

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Cool

Author

Phelwan-

In addition to Dave's response, I'd also add that much of the time, what this actually is is just a show the person is putting on because they know it increases the appearance of their having value. If they act super aloof, they look as though they're "above it all", and most others around them will be impressed. This can be quite handy to use yourself, especially in weird situations or situations where you'd otherwise look alone or isolated but want to come across as simply being superior instead.

More or less, it's frequently just putting on airs.

One of the most fun ways of dealing with people doing this is to just get in their line of sight and then act even more aloof and disinterested than they are. If you seem attractive and high value, many people at this point will break character and engage you. Some will think you're teasing them and see through their act, while others will think you really are just "better than them" and start chasing after you.

Another solution, if you can tell they're probably out of their element and trying to make sure they don't look weak, is just to be really warm and friendly and nice, in a very laid back and cool manner, and wait for them to let their guards down.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Really COOL article ;)


Really COOL article ;)

Anonymous's picture

wow


I know you've heard this a thousand times. But you have changed my life for the better chase! Im only 18 and have a lot ahead of me because of you. My deepest gratitude and thanks!

David Riley's picture

Good Age


Hey Anon,

You're at a good age, I actually discovered this website when I was 18 myself. I've been putting into practice for the best 3+ years. As long you stay with it, you will obtain and experience so many things.

Enjoy the ride,

Just Dave

Sir's picture

Chase, it would be great if


Chase, it would be great if you made an
article on " How to become a Sex God ".

David Riley's picture

Article Link


Hey Sir,

Check out this article link here:

Giving Girls Orgasms
3 Ways to Help her Orgasm
Oral Sex

Let me know if these help

Just Dave

Moon's picture

Great article. BYou've talked


Great article. BYou've talked about "advertise casually your achievements", how to do it and remain cool and humble at the same time?? I think it requires another post ;)

David Riley's picture

Article Link


Hey Moon,

Check out this article here: Humility for The Elite Man

Let me know if that helps.

Just Dave

jj123's picture

Why do I still associate with the uncool, and lose out...


hey Chase,

I praise you for persisting with streamlining these concepts into one formula. I agree with the above-comment, definitely a top 10 post (right up with the 'friend zone' signs). I was raised in more culturally-conformist and conservative environments than those who were in charge cared to admit. It was either you followed the rules [and get high grades], or end up on the street corner wrapped in yesterday's newspapers, holding a paper bag with a bottle inside, dragging along remnants of cardboard boxes.

As for rule-breaking, an old example comes to mind: for a couple of years (about ages 14-16) in the mid-90's, I took karate lessons...the 'sensei' instructor, who was relatively young but a classic law-enforcement-training control freak, took a disliking toward me. I was often pulled aside and scourged for some (usually minor) offense, given more pushups, etc. I was in a mixed-aged (beginner range) class of teenage through late middle-age students, half male, half female. One peer female from the local high school was 'hot' to say the least. Outgoing, popular, somewhat athletic, etc. But as I had more problems with this and another [older female] martial arts instructor, the hot chick seemed to get closer, to touch me more (often with her tongue out), and started teasing me about my 'troublemaking.' This WAS BAFFLING to say the least. Mind you, I went to an all-male Catholic "prep" high-school where I totally avoided (officially) getting into trouble...so I would 'let loose' and criticize authority elsewhere. When I went to college and also towed the line, I was totally on the outs with attractive women.

I'm more than half-way to being cool, going by your outline. I'm more quiet in social group settings (and don't jockey to set the agenda like I'm a corporate chairman, and avoid those who do). Many people have described me as 'stoic,' decisive, quick-witted, coldly objective, and in-control...the only time I lose my cool is when people start using subjective, personally disparaging attacks when disagreeing, especially on the larger political and cultural questions. Then, I'll be "overly opinionated" and a bit know-it-all. On #3, I am a master of "least effort." As a writer, I work on my own schedule, pitch a few proposals, but they are lengthier, more involved, and usually get accepted. I've yet to collect a Pulitzer (and still relatively early in the game, anyway). My apparently now-former friend was gravely insulted a few months ago when I suggested he see a shrink...after he complained email after email of "how hard" he was "working as a first year teacher" and "still drowning" while constantly "calling in sick just to get rested and keep up." This was after his many years of training, too.

My issue boils down to this: Like you, I've struggled with depression (and still sometimes do), but keep it mostly to myself around others, or just self-isolate (lest I be around other people, give an honest account of what I'm dealing with, then get pummeled for 'whining' and 'complaining.'). But here's what else happens: Over the last 15 years, I've found myself surrounded by some of the most 'uncool' of all young adults in the region as many of my friends. I've met many of them in church settings (where some of the rituals bring me solace and edification). I grew up with parents and grandparents yelling about how I needed to avoid "troublemakers" and taught me to fear the cops. But things have usually ended badly with most of these conservative (and often hypocritical), 'uncool' people, who are easily offended and will hold grudges as victims. On the other hand, my longest-term buddy (who is long distance) has been arrested multiple times and (usually) takes life in stride.

I'm not actively dating right now (work projects take priority), but keep up with your site to be prepared. But what do you make of my situation, and where do I find cooler people to associate with?

Thanks.

David Riley's picture

Branch Out


Hey JJ,

If you really want to develop into a "cooler" person, you must branch out into other interests. You have to find things that interest you. You have to be willing to take risks. People who are cool don't worry about what ever think of them. They act on their own accord. On a special note this also what "real" men do as well. They do things on their own time and don't let people hold them back. Even when people try to guilt trip them, they just brush it off. Now this isn't to say be reckless, be sensible, but don't let people hold you back. If the benefit out ways the risk go for it. You either get busy living or get busy dying.

On a side note, I was really hoping you were going to say something happened with that Karate girl. It was a interesting story. It held my attention, overall your situation reminds me a lot of my and my friend's situation. It's interesting to see how similar of a story we all have. Regardless I'm glad that you are taking the steps to improve yourself. You seem to be more than half way their to reaching your goals.

Stay focused and Take care,

Just Dave

Ethan's picture

Great one Chase! It's been


Great one Chase! It's been long in coming, that's for sure ;)

It's cool to see how your philosophy of universal heroics has come together over the years. I look forward to reading more pieces like this that integrate your philosophy in easy to grasp, practical ways, with of course the more in-depth pieces already in place for those interested in learning more about the foundations.

Cheers,
Ethan

Chris C's picture

Nice


Interesting article bro. Cool insight, don't mind the pun. Do me a favor? Watch Fight Club. It's worth watching once

David Riley's picture

Great Movie


Hey Chris,

That movie has been referenced a good number of times on the forum and on the website.

Just Dave

Gem's picture

Achieving in Multiple Fields


Hey Dave I had a question for Chase that if you could give to him I’d appreciate, though if you could answer it yourself I wouldn’t mind either:

My question is one that I’ve caught myself asking a lot more, recently…. and I feel like it’s really obvious and I know the answer to it but am not sure as to what exactly it is.

Why is it that some people can make massive success in one field and then not bring it to another? Is it because they never conceptualize the process of skill building? Chase made it first in music and then figured he could follow a methodical, deliberate process like that to get better with girls…

But usually you’ll just see musicians do awesome in music and then not much else or basketball players make it in basketball and then not much else… and I realize that there are many that do, accomplish significant things in several fields, but quite a number of people simply don’t and remain restricted to one field.

So that’s my question lol thanks :)

-Gem

David Riley's picture

Renaissance Man


Hey Gem,

Good topic, I personally had that problem when I was a teenager. I was a really head strong musician. I was "The boy who could bend sound waves", I played multiple instruments. I would add value to any band I joined. I even produced my own CDs and managed to get them on the radio. I had a very intense drive . . . for music. I thought school was boring, and I didn't want to work the rest of my life at a grocery store. I didn't start developing other interests other than music, until I couldn't relate to anyone else. I could only talk to people about music. It made me pretty one dimensional, that was the complete opposite of what I wanted.

I started taking my many musical talents and started branching out. I started an interests in graphic design to make my own album covers. I took up photography to make better album covers. I took up coding to design my own websites. I sought to become a complete independent artist. Hence the meaning of my name Just Dave. I would be able to do most of the work myself. I didn't have the money to pay people to promote me. I started reading up on social skills to further promote my music. I started learning more about people to appeal to people. It worked. A lot of musicians lack that drive because they focus too much on one thing. They don't see the value of other tasks. They look to grow and develop.

It's interesting because after my last band broke up, I sold up my instruments and used the money for modeling classes. I did a complete 180, but that was the time I discovered GC. I cleaned my image up, and developed a fierce sexy walk. Ever since then I sought to never stop growing. Now my biggest interests in weight lifting. However, I use that to add my other areas of interests. Ultimately, I've become an Renaissance Man or man who can perform many unique skills. Anyway hope that answers your question.

Take care,

Just Dave.

GoodTimer's picture

3rd parties aggresion


Hey,

There should be an article about handling 3rd parties aggresion (and keeping your social status and opinion of your girlfriend about you not harmed).
It can be something from fat old lady occupying 5 seats so you can't really get into your seat somewhere where you have numbered seats, or it can be stronger 'alpha' male or gang of dudes attacking you and trying to make you look like a wuss and themselves awesome in eyes of your girlfriend (you can get such girls with the help of this site).

What about handling such aggresions? Or turning down frames where girls tease you 'so 5 strong guys taking me and telling you to leave me otherwise you will be smashed, how could you handle it?' (when you show yourself as a strong man).

Cheers,
GoodTimer

David Riley's picture

Article Links


Hey GoodTimer,

Check out these article links:

Stealing Your Girl
Disruptive Men
Caution When Introducing Girlfriends to Friends

Let me know if these are helpful.

Take care,

Just Dave

rwilliams82's picture

What's up Chase, How about


What's up Chase,

How about doing an article where you go into detail, giving some specific examples, about Adding Value (Rule # 1). Would you be willing to do that because guys seem to want to know more about it? Myself included.

David Riley's picture

Article Link and Noted


Hey Williams,

Check out this article here:
Social Value and Unbalances

Let me know if that helps, if not I'll let the Chase and other authors know of your request.

Take care,

Just Dave

JonathanH's picture

Standing Still and Being Idle


Hello Chase, I have an uncomfortable situation when I have to stand still when it's called for. Of course I can stand still fine by myself, but when other people look at me, especially girls and especially when I'm attractive, then I will have a very great urge to be in motion. Thanks to that I get all fidgety and sweat to just get myself to stand still, weird right? Is there any pointers that will get me in good shape of standing until I am no longer required to stand in place? I work as a bouncer btw.

David Riley's picture

Articles and Overtime


Hey Jonathan,

Articles:
Here's some articles on dealing with stress and keeping cool:
Brain Hacks for Stress
Talking to Hot Girls

Overtime:
Anyway overtime Jonathan you will become so accustomed to seeing pretty girls that it won't bother you anymore. I mean sure you may see some stunning ones, but eventually you won't be phased by their looks. Girls who you once thought were really pretty will just seem average. Another thing to remember to is that you're in the perfect environment. If you can handle keeping your cool around girl's who are trying to look their best, then you'll be in great shape.

The same thing happened to me a couple years ago when I was taking modeling classes. I would see girls who were potential future pin ups. After about a month I was use to them. I would be at the mall with some of my friends and run into the modeling girls. My friends would be drooling and I would just be keeping my cool. Anyway I hope that helps.

Stay focused,

Just Dave

Danny's picture

How to Prevent Accused for Sexual Harassment in Pickup?


Dear Chase and Dave,

There is a recent news article lately and this really terrified the beginner like myself, here is the article:

[Palo Alto man suspected of harassing, groping woman in park]
http://www.mercurynews.com/crime-courts/ci_26144944/palo-alto-sketch-rel...

My question is: How do we prevent ourselves falling into those situation during pickup? This is exactly the reason why I always don't want to be too aggressive (my flaw is NOT AGGRESSIVE ENOUGH....sigh ) or assertive because beginner like myself got scared the shits out whenever we think of the possibility that the girl might call 911 and get us into trouble.

Do you have any article that described what is the line that we shouldn't cross?
Also, how do we apply manhandle kiss on the girl and NOT get into trouble?

Here is Chase's article on manhandle kiss:
http://www.girlschase.com/content/manhandle-kisses

Thank you!

David Riley's picture

Force vs. Consent


Hey Danny,

The story:
I read the entire story, anyway what you have in the example above is a case of a guy "forcing" a girl to do something without her consent. That is something we strongly warn guys against. Personally for me if a girl gives me two "No's" if I'm trying to push for something physical, I completely back off and end the interaction. What that mad did could be classified as sexual assault. You never want to make a girl do something that she doesn't feel comfortable doing. Guys will fall victim into this when they think a girl is playing hard get. However when a girl is physically trying to get you off her, you're doing something wrong. As long as you're being conscience of that, you'll never run into that problem.

Personal Experience:
I generally try to make sure a girl is fully aware of what is going on. When a girl comes over my place, within 10 or I'm making a move on her. IF she resists the first move, I warm her up a bit more and try to further build a connection. If she still resists, I completely back off. I give her space for about 20 minutes and tell her, I need to run out somewhere. I also tell them I respect their boundaries and let them leave. I've only had this happen with me with two over the past 3 years. What I do is I screen heavily before I left a girl into my place. Sometimes a girl will seem like she wants sex with you, but then completely change her mind. When that happens with me, I just let them go. It's too much of a risk and laws are too strict.

Good news:
The good news is that was two girls out of countless others, as long as your respecting women's choices there will be more girls. Girls will let you get close to them as long as you have a sexy vibe. Then there clothes will fly right off. As far as the manhandle kiss, I've pulled it off successfully before. I've done it with girls while out on dates. I knew she had some attraction for me, so I just went for it. Whenever I asked to kissed girls, rarely ever did. However when I manhandled kissed girls, they were a lot more willing. The more experience you get, the better you will become at making these types of decisions.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

How do you look cool?


I've read your posts on clothing and I think I naturally have a good look. But I wouldn't say its cool, my clothes fit me well and I get compliments but I'm thinking more along the line of someone who wears a baseball cap backwards, it seems really old hat and uncool nowadays, but sometimes I see someone who totally pulls it off.

I'm wondering what makes it work for some and not others?

David Riley's picture

Clothes Don't Make a Man


Hey Anon,

It's not the clothes necessary it's how you wear them. The way you wear is a result of your body language. When you have a good vibe of self assurdness you'll be doing just fine. Imitate cool celebrities, ironically being cool comes down to body to reacting to everything. "You don't have to react to everything, just let the clowns do them and enjoy the show." - Ice Cube

Cool people are the one's who aren't really fazed by anything if much. They're also the ones who has a good grasp of who they are. When you convey that emotion in your head, your body will do the rest.

Just Dave

KING_12's picture

get inside her head effortlessly


You know what you are talking about. u just put ways we naturally think into words. I have a question. I been doing something wrong when trying to get sum new ass. I believe Its because im not open about what i want from her. She knows naturally( all girls do) but i wanna know what you think Chase.

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