Why Cold Approach Works Better Than Anything Else

A reader comments on "How to Think About Women as You Get More Experienced", linking to a discussion on Reddit where a Redditor asks female members about their thoughts on being approached at random, and whether this is nagging them or annoying them... because he feels guilty about it. Here's the link. Our commenter here notes that this discussion has made him question whether he ought to cold approach.

I sympathize if you're newer and haven't started investing time in meeting beautiful strangers yet, and are hesitating before taking the plunge because it looks like a big commitment of time and energy to get good at and a lot of hard knocks and rejections and bumps to overcome along the way.

If you're sitting there wondering whom you ought to listen to, hearing a bunch of people say, "This cold approach malarkey doesn't even work - don't waste your time," can be pretty disheartening.

Maybe even enough to give up on the prospect of even trying in the first place.

But if you walk away from cold approach, you are walking away from one of the single most effective, uplifting, and empowering things you will ever learn to do in any way to improve your dating life, your sex life, your search for the ideal partner, and your own general confidence and happiness to boot. Few things in life will alter the direction of your life as profoundly as the ability to cold approach successfully and effectively.

cold approach

If that's so though - if cold approach really is as markedly effective and life-enhancing as this - why are there so many forces trying to lead you astray?

cold approach

TL;DR if you would be annoyed with a canvasser for a charity hitting you up for money in a certain context, odds are a lady is more likely to being annoyed about being hit up for a date in the same context. Imaginative empathy is your friend.

That's the summary given by om_nom_cheese in her top-voted response to TAKEitTOrCIRCLEJERK's question about whether cold approach is annoying to women and/or a waste of his time.

And it's not wrong. However, it's missing one very key part: om_nom_cheese is only talking about being approached by men she doesn't like.

This is one of the issues you'll run into when asking for dating advice from women that can really lead you far away from where you want to go: like most people, the response you get hinges on them imagining YOU or someone LIKE you doing the thing you're asking about right NOW, and how they'd respond to it in the moment.

They usually don't sit and ask themselves, "Are there any circumstances in which my reaction is different? What are those?" or, even if they do, because of the different emotions involved, those different circumstances do not fully register, or appear to be something different / in a different category - when in fact, they're all just shades of the same thing.

Now let me tell you why that lack of total perspective is so unhelpful and so damn harmful.

The Lover and the Nerd

An attractive woman in a light summer dress walks down the street. She has a stylish purse, modest heels, and a necklace that sits low onto her chest, attracting attention to the cleavage of her breasts poking out from the top of her dipping neckline. Men she passes all notice her, and she notices them noticing her, and feels at once both partly annoyed at these lascivious gazes, but also, she has to admit, a little pleased at her popularity. The other women on the street certainly aren't getting the looks she's getting; these men are at her beck and call if she wants them. She feels both irritated and powerful.

Suddenly, out of the blue, some nerdy guy with sloppy big-kid clothes and unattractive hair and a few uncomplimentary extra pounds walks up to her. "Excuse me, this is really random, but..." he begins. She shrinks back in horror.

Is this guy for REAL? she thinks. Does he REALLY think he has a shot with me walking up to me on the street like this? Are people going to think I'm WITH this guy? Ugh! She politely but abruptly brushes him off and continues on her way.

She reaches the computer shop, where her laptop is in for repairs. They asked her to come down because it's all fixed; only, when she tries it out, the problem is still there. She's irked; the guy behind the desk says they'll have to keep the computer for another two days to find out what's causing the continued problem and fix it. She leaves.

On her way out of the shop, another man glides in to talk to her, but this man is quite different from that first man. He's very attractive: his walk is powerful and confident; his hair looks like a film star's; his smile is both sensual and contagious; his eyes pull her in and hypnotize her; his fashionable clothes accent his frame and make him look stylish, well built, and well off. Butterflies instantly flutter into her stomach, and her throat closes up in excitement and anticipation. "I saw you walking here," he begins, in a deep, slow, sexual voice, "and - I had to come and tell you, that you have the most captivating walk I have seen all day. I'm George." He extends his hand; she takes it and introduces herself, and he doesn't shake her hand - he just holds it delicately, as if about to bring it to his mouth to kiss it, but he doesn't. He then lets the hand go, and she hesitantly returns it to her side, letting it linger for a moment in his palm before she does.

A quick conversation ensues, with her tripping over her own tongue to tell this mysterious new stranger the most impressive things that spring to mind about herself in response to each new casual but inquisitive question he poses, while she bumbles to ask him a few things in return and not look too inelegant or off balance. He tells her he must be going, but that he finds her interesting and attractive and he'd like to get food with her some day soon. She quickly agrees, and says that'd be great, she just has to check her schedule (she doesn't want to seem too available), and he says of course, and suggests they trade numbers. She types her phone number into his phone, he saves it, gives her another smile that makes her heart skip a beat, tells her it was a pleasure meeting her and he'll talk to her soon, takes her hand once more in another gallant gesture, then lets it go and walks off on his way down the sidewalk. The woman is ecstatic; she can't believe this just happened.

It feels like destiny.

In this roller coaster of experiences and emotions - the annoyance and distaste at being approached by the unattractive nerdy guy earlier, and the thrill and nervousness and excitement of being approached by the charm-her-socks-off man later on, one thing is lost to our female protagonist here: that the second man is in fact the first man, after years of refining everything about himself, through the feedback he gets from cold approach.

But these two men are not even remotely connected in her mind.

You're Not the Lover

When you have to ask a woman if she's inconvenienced by you approaching her, you're NOT the lover.

The lover knows he's not an inconvenience to the women he approaches... at least, not to the women he cares about.

The guy who's afraid he's inconveniencing women probably IS much of the time. And women know this. They know instinctively if you ask this that you are not attractive, you are not suave, and you are not the kind of guy they want to sleep with... no matter how they meet you.

So when you ask how they feel about being approached, what they really hear is, "How do you feel about being approached by guys like me?"

And the response, of course is YES: this is an inconvenience.

Because she's never going to go out with you in a million years.

The less interaction she has to have with you, the better it is for HER.

She is not, however, thinking of the men who approach her whom she wants to approach her. Whether she saw these men first, and gave them an approach invitation, or whether they approached her before she even noticed them and simply gave her red cheeks and trembling lips with excitement because they were so attractive, it doesn't matter; she's not thinking about these men when she's answering your question.

Because their "approaches" do not really fit into the same category. They don't count.

These "approaches" are not really random approaches. They're destiny.

They were encounters that were meant to happen. They were always going to happen, no matter what; put her and him in a room together, and of COURSE they would meet.

When you really are smooth - when you really are GOOD with women - and I mean REALLY good - it doesn't feel like an approach at all to her.

It simply feels like a natural coming to together of two people who were fated to meet.

And the only way you get good at making this happen for women consistently? Scads and scads of awkward, misfired cold approaches.

What's Better for YOU?

cold approachEvery time you cold approach a woman, you meet one of two women:

  1. The woman who isn't interested in you, and who is inconvenienced by your approach, and

  2. The woman who is interested in you, and who is excited by your approach

When I was younger, I lived my life in respect of the first category of women, and in disrespect of the second category of women. I did not approach women, because I did not want to inconvenience any of them under any circumstances. I felt shame and embarrassment at the idea of ANYONE thinking poorly of me.

In so doing, I pushed aside the women who actually liked me and did not get together with them in order to not inconvenience the women who did NOT like me.

Think about that for a second, because if you don't cold approach, you're doing the same thing.

It's like saying there are 100 people in the room, and two of them will happily invest $1 million in your crazy business idea that will change the world for the better if you ask, but 98 of them are going to be bothered that you asked them to invest in your crazy business idea because WHY would they want to invest in your crazy business idea, you loon? And because you've never asked for investments before, you have zero instincts whatsoever about which of those people is which.

The guys who don't cold approach are the ones who look at that room full of people and say, "Well, it's better if I just don't ask anyone... I don't want to be a nuisance."

Here's what happens when you don't cold approach:

  • The 93% of women (or whatever it is; the numbers change as your fundamentals get tighter and you become more attractive) who aren't interested in you save a few minutes because they don't have to politely tell you "sorry, I'm not interested"

  • The 7% of women who think you're clever and amazing and attractive never meet you and lead lives that are the worse for it

  • YOU don't get laid or get a girlfriend at ALL, or are forced to settle for the scraps you're able to get a few times a year at best from social circle, which you also won't be any good at if you don't cold approach, usually

In this case, ONE (1) group of people benefits: the women who don't care about you.

And two (2) groups are inconvenienced: women who care about you, and you.

Is this not INSANE?! You're putting the saving of a minute or two each of the time of those in the group of women who don't care for you at all above the happiness of yourself and women who find you attractive!

I did it for a long time, and if there's anything I regret, it's that I did this. I was a lunatic. What kind of a self-defeating moron ignores the women who like him in order to benefit the women who don't?!

Now, here's what happens when you DO cold approach:

  • The 93% of women (or whatever it is) who aren't interested in you lose a minute or two politely turning you down, and get both a bit of annoyance ("Do I REALLY have to tell this guy I'm not interested?") and a bit of a self-esteem boost ("I am SO in demand")

  • The 7% of women who think you're clever and amazing and attractive are THRILLED because they've met you and they like you and it's wonderful

  • YOU get great interactions with women, get dates, get laid, get girlfriends, hone your social skills, develop a social intuition that makes you better able to avoid the women who aren't interested and home in on the women who are, and turn yourself into the kind of really attractive man that most women only rarely get to meet and interact with

That's pretty cool, if you ask me.

The women you approach who aren't into you aren't even horribly inconvenienced. It's at worst a bit annoying. For some of them, it's flattering. When you're just starting out, of course, it's going to be silly and annoying more often than it is flattering, because you won't have good fundamentals and you won't be very attractive and your approaches will not be smooth or natural or charming or exciting. That's how it is when you're new at ANYTHING.

There's only one way you get better at it so that you inconvenience the women who don't like you less, turn more of those women who don't like you into women who do like you, and put broader smiles on the faces of the women who like you, though: doing lots of cold approaches and talking to lots of girls.

That's why women will recommend you don't cold approach when you're new and you ask - because:

  • Welcome approaches (from men a woman is attracted to) and unwelcome ones (from men a woman is NOT attracted to) go into different categories in her mind, emotionally; the welcome ones "just happen" or "are natural" or "were destined", while the unwelcome ones are "annoying" or "an inconvenience" or "are cute, but I'm not interested." And the less experienced with cold approach you are, the worse you will be at gauging which camp you fall into with any given woman - you won't be able to avoid meeting women who don't like you by accident as you seek out the women who do

  • When inexperienced guys talk to women about cold approach, women automatically think of other inexperienced guys they've had cold approach them, and will tell them that, no, it doesn't work, and it's a bit of a hassle, really, because when they think of the guys in that box walking up to them, it's not so exciting

  • If you're skipping cold approach because you don't want to inconvenience women, what you're actually doing is avoiding inconveniencing the women who don't like you, while ACTIVELY inconveniencing the women who DO like you, and inconveniencing yourself as well - that is insane

In fairness to women advice-givers, most women aren't thinking, "Okay, he's practicing this as a skill he's going to improve at with the goal of becoming suave, so he DOES need to practice a lot on real women." Most women, when you ask this, are thinking, "This guy's just going to walk up to women and keep doing the same annoying thing and never get any better at it - there are much better ways for him to meet girls that don't annoy me quite so much." If they realized you were approaching cold approach as a skill set to methodically level up and get progressively better at, they might give you different advice.

But that's just getting women's opinion on cold approach. There's still another topic for us to cover here as well: does cold approach actually work - and is it even worth the time you put into it?

Let's have a look.

cold approach

Most of the guys I've known who really applied themselves at cold approach and still complained that it didn't work had complaints like this:

Cold approach DOESN'T work. I've approached THOUSANDS of women over the past four years, and I ONLY have 20 lays!

On the one hand, yes, that is a somewhat low number for the level of work involved of approaching that many women, and many guys who apply themselves this hard do have better numbers. So it is a bit disappointing.

But on the other hand, come on - saying cold approach doesn't work when you've racked up three times the number of sex partners in four years that the average man accumulates in a LIFETIME seems outlandish and absurd. It's more a case of unmet expectations (the guy thought he'd be sleeping with 4 or 5 new women a week, but got more like 4 or 5 a year) than it is a case of the thing flat out not working.

That's like making three times as much money as the average man makes in a lifetime from selling a business you spent 4 or 5 years building, and then saying entrepreneurship doesn't work because you didn't become a billionaire. It's not an on-or-off switch here, folks - there are shades of gray.

And most guys who put this much time in do better than this, in my experience - we have a number of guys on the discussion boards here, in fact, and even more I've received emails from who are too busy sleeping with girls to tell other guys about their successes or what they're doing, who are doing better than this after only having been cold approaching for a year or two.

The guys who struggle after multiple years of cold approaching and thousands of approaches under their belts generally have a few specific intractable problems where they've picked up bad habits somewhere along the way that play the role of saboteur to their seductions, or they never learned or refuse to learn some very crucial element (e.g., getting a sexual vibe down and learning how to build and direct sexual tension - I notice the guys who struggle consistently have very platonic / friendly vibes and don't "get" how to be sexual or are convinced this isn't important because their favorite dating advice authority never talks about it so it must not matter).

But, if you're inexperienced and still trying to decide whether this is worth your time, let's talk results - because anything else is just a waste of your time.

What's Better - Social Circle or Cold Approach?

There are two forms of approaching:

  1. The Cold Approach
  2. The Warm Approach

"Cold approach" is defined as when you walk up to a woman who is a complete stranger, with whom you have no social ties and, thus, no social "trust" factor built in. She may have given you signs of interest already or not; and she may have seen you with social proof or preselection already or not. Regardless, you don't have an easy "in" with her; there's no one to introduce you; and the only way you can meet her is walking up on your own and saying "hello."

"Warm approach" is defined as when you meet a woman you have some kind of social circle tie with. This can be a girl who's in a class of yours at school, or who's in your same workplace; she might be someone at a party from the periphery of your social circle, who's a friend of a friend. She might be at the nightclub you're at to meet the DJ, and you happen to be friends with said DJ. You might meet her at a charity fundraising event where you're one of the MCs. Whatever it is, in a warm approach, you have some level of social trust and familiarity already established because of your ties to her through other people she knows or is trying to get to know.

Which one's easier? Warm approach, usually, most of the time, for most men. You're less likely to be rejected; you're less likely for her walls to be up when she meets you; and you're a lot more likely to reach the hook point with her with less effort expended on your part to do so.

BUT, there's one major caveat here, and it's the one we discussed in "Social Circle vs. Cold Approach": you are greatly limited by the reach and turnover of your social circle.

Here's an example: when you go out with your social circle, you maybe meet one or two new vaguely attractive women once every fifteen or twenty outings, if your circles are like the average guy's circles. Maybe you have better circles, or even amazing circles, where you're meeting a few attractive new women each time, or maybe you have much worse circles, where you never meet new women.

Me, whenever I go out, I meet as many new women as I want. Usually this is just a handful, because after years of cold approaching I'm quite good at knowing which girls are interested in me and which ones are most likely to respond to me, but if I want to meet 20 attractive women in one day, I'll meet 20 attractive women in one day. Some will be interested; some will not be; but I'll almost certainly have something (or, more likely, some things) good come out of meeting 20 attractive new women.

cold approach

In "The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends", I talked about using the periphery of your social circle to find women to date and sleep with. In "Tapping Your Social Circle to Meet Loads More Girls", Peter went one further and discussed how you can actively grow your social circle to envelope an ever-increasing army of attractive women you can then meet via warm social circle approach.

However... social circle takes time to build and nurture, energy to maintain, and still limits you to only certain classes of women - whichever ones are included in your circle.

If you're a nightclub promoter for a popular nightclub, you'll quickly find yourself being welcomed into a whole host of social circles by all kinds of people who want to get easy access to your club, and you'll meet lots of pretty social circle girls this way. However, they'll mostly be all from the same camp: they'll mostly be party girls.

Or, you can become the main guy for a big activity group, like the ones on Meetup.com, but those, too, attract only a certain kind of person: generally, people in their late 20s to early 40s who are single, bored, moderately attractive, and somewhat professional. Okay people the lot of them, but rarely anything especially extraordinary.

And if you want to meet the kinds of women that *I* like to meet... beautiful girls with great educations, good careers, and strong independent streaks, GOOD LUCK meeting them through ANY social circle... because most of them are too busy with their lives to waste much time on social circle.

Most guys here aren't going to be the kinds of crazy active networkers you usually need to be to maintain social circles large enough to feed you enough women to achieve what you (probably) want to achieve with girls.

And even if you do... the limits of social circle quickly become apparent when you realize you sleep with a lot of girls, but can't meet one who'd make a great girlfriend in your circle, or that you had a great girlfriend in your circle, but now she's broken up with you and is dating some other guy, and you keep running into her again and again and can't get over her because you can't approach and there are no other women available in your circle.

You're stuck.

Perhaps worst of all... when you see that beautiful woman walking down the street... and you KNOW that the two of you would be perfect together...

... because you haven't bothered to learn cold approach, the only thing you can do is watch her walk on, and wonder to yourself what might have been.

Don't the BEST Women Only Date Guys They Know?

I think this one's a concern for a lot of guys inexperienced with women.

I've already addressed this question multiple times on this website, but for the sake of having it all in one place, let's do it again.

I've slept with a fair amount of women via social circle, but I've never dated one. That's because I never meet women via social circle who make the cut of what I'm looking for in a girlfriend. Maybe I haven't bothered to spend the years required to build up an amazing social circle with high caliber women, or maybe there's some secret to accessing amazing women via social circle I haven't stumbled on yet.

But I don't think so.

I think you just need inordinate amounts of patience for this... and I don't have that.

In my experience, there are usually only one or two amazing women per social circle, maximum, and the majority of social circles do not have ANY amazing women (although some may seem amazing in pure contrast to their comparatively more mediocre peers in the group). And amazing women are almost always either:

  1. In relationships with at least above average, if not also amazing, guys

  2. Single, because there are no amazing guys they want to date around them now

And single women don't limit themselves to their social circles for boyfriends.

Most meet them through the periphery of their circles - the guys they meet just in passing who are friends of friends or belong to the same social club or networking organization or whom they meet in that one billiards class they take one weekend or, sometimes, whom they meet at random on the street, subway, grocery store, or shopping mall.

Meanwhile, the guys in their close social circles dote on them with attention, "waiting their turn" - turns that are usually not coming.

Like this guy:

... and this guy:

The problem with meeting a woman via social circle when she's attached - which the majority of amazing women you meet tend to be at any given time - is that you're either going to have to try to steal her from her boyfriend, which is very bad precedent for your own relationship with her if you get her, OR you're going to have to wait it out - but by the time she's done with him, whatever initial attraction she had for you has expired and she's probably relegated you to the friend zone as a valuable but not-sexual person in her life. She'll find someone new on her periphery - not date someone old whom she's known as a friend forever and doesn't want to risk that valuable friendship by introducing an unknown like sex into it.

Meanwhile, because you're dealing with such low quantities of women, you're out of options. I guess you could always wait some more, though.

Sure, it happens occasionally. Every now and again, a girl dates that guy who's been patiently waiting for her to realize the man she was with when she met him was not as amazing as he is. It makes for a nice story... but it's rare as hell.

Usually, if this is your approach, you'll wait... and wait... and wait... and, after all that sacrifice, the sleepless nights, and the wondering why she doesn't see how right for her you are, the reward at the end of that rainbow of torment is a great big pot of nothing.

You get to watch the girl you've been patiently waiting for go date someone else. Yippee. Good for her.

Not so good for you.

Over the timespan of years, of course, you get lucky and meet a girl on the periphery of your social circle and she isn't exactly what you want but, heck, it's not like you have a lot of options or anything; so, you settle into a relationship with her, figuring it'll just be temporary - you know, until something better comes along, more suited to what you're looking for.

But nothing better ever does.

10 years later, you're married with kids.

All my friends who don't do pickup and meet women exclusively through social circle go this route. They're always tormented about their mates... you can see it on their faces.

There's always an air of "What if?" hanging about them.

They'd like to go... they'd like to find someone a bit better suited to them... but they know they can't. I mean, look how long it took them to meet a girl who's "close enough" - striking back out there on their own as a single again may mean they never find anyone "good enough" again.

Social circle - the way most people meet their mates - works for most people, but it just does an okay job. It's average.

It gives you a "good enough" life.

I don't know about you, but for me, "good enough" has never been enough.

You Will Sweat for Cold Approach

... and you will bleed.

You will push yourself out there, and know that you are being socially awkward, and know that you are being a pest, and know that some - maybe even a lot - of the women you meet, at least when you're just getting started, and even long after, would rather you never said "hi."

Your ego will take a royal beating.

You'll fail to see progress for a while, and wonder if you're spinning your wheels. You'll wonder if you CAN improve yourself with women - is it even possible?

Dressing better, walking better, sexing up your voice, tightening up your facial hair, getting smooth, getting sexy, getting socially savvy - you know these things should help, but will they? How do you know you're not a lost cause?

You will have days and nights where you feel like a complete social reject, doing something that few other people are doing, looking like an idiot in the process, and no doubt attracting the scorn of women who gossip after you've gone away about how ridiculous it was that you thought walking up the way you did and saying the things you said would ever get you a date or a phone number.

But on the other side of it, if you keep your nose to the grindstone and don't let your emotions get in the way, is a skill set that few men ever possess: the ability to meet beautiful, amazing women, anytime, anywhere, at a moment's notice.

You'll never be perfect with women - you'll never be able to point at a girl and say, "That girl will be my new girlfriend," then walk up to her and make her be this - at least, not all the time.

But you will train your social instincts to such a razor's edge that you will be able to intuit with reasonable accuracy which women will respond to you, and what you must do to get that response. That's an intuition that does not come from reading or theorizing - it only comes from lots and lots of approaches in lots and lots of different situations, and a mental model informed by many successes and a lot more failures.

Over the past 8 years, I've had incredible relationships with women who were:

  • Financial strategists
  • Financial consultants
  • Marketers
  • Architects
  • Entrepreneurs

All had advanced degrees, or have gotten them since, and all were quite brilliant, usually in the top 5% of their classes in school, or #1 outright.

All were charismatic, and the types of women who lit up the room and immediately had all eyes on them all the time - some of them incredibly gregarious, outgoing, and charming, and others of them incredibly sensual, demure, and alluringly feminine.

All were beautiful.

And every single one of them I met via cold approach:

  • In nightclubs
  • On the street
  • In mass transit
  • Even in elevators

I've met and slept with plenty of women I didn't have relationships with, too - some of them amazing as well, some of them just "okay" on the girlfriend scale, but all of them really quite wonderful people with whom I connected well and shared magnificent conversations and unforgettable experiences.

Today, everyone who meets me tells me how warm a person I am, how intimidatingly charismatic I am, how powerful I seem, and how easy conversation is with me. But I'm not special. I wasn't "born" this way. I trained myself to be this way.

I had a social phobia right through college. I didn't even talk to people until I was 19. Women thought I was scary and stayed away from me throughout most of my university years. I was poorly dressed, mumbled my speech, and was 20 or 25 pounds too heavy.

Maybe that makes me an imposter. When I look at old photos of me, or show them to girlfriends of mine, the feeling though is that he is an imposter - that old version of me staring back from a static image of times past.

Locked away somewhere inside of you is a real you, who is attractive to women, and who is not inconveniencing women when he walks up to them - instead, he is charming, he is suave, he is attractive, and he is welcome.

But the only way you will find him, and cast off the uncomfortable-in-his-skin imposter you are now, is by approaching one woman after another, suffering the repeated sting of repeated social rejection, and refining yourself and your approach a little bit more each time, then a little bit more, then a little bit more.

Because that same girl you inconvenience with your approach today will think your approach a destined encounter if she meets you again years later, once you've become a different man and perfected the art of approaching a girl in the most attractive, natural, effortless way possible.

But she will never get to meet the real you if he's kept hidden under thick sediments of fear, uncertainty, inexperience, and inaction.

Cold approach is not for everyone. If you'd rather wait and hope you stumble into something good enough in order to avoid going through the meat grinder, you certainly have that prerogative. Most people find someone eventually... and she probably won't be terrible. She'll probably be "okay."

But if you can stomach the early pain, and if you can take the hits and keep on going, there are riches in life that await you that the more timid men out there will never permit themselves the opportunity to know.

Do you have the courage?

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Zac's picture

OH COmmon, Chase.

You just kick all of our asses alright. You win. Let's go home. :)


Anonymous's picture

Great article.

Can you give me some ideas on dealing with a few problems I have,

1) How do you deal with a guy talking with a girl that you like when your out? Especially when this guy is quite good at conversation and is always making her laugh.

That always winds me up, when you have this dude making a girl you like laugh. I know it's all about results not reactions but it always makes me feel like I'm losing the girl when shes laughing so much with some guy.

Do you just sit back and wait for them to finish or what?

2) How do you deal with people stating their opinions that you aren't in agreement with? Do you stand up and counter argue or just refuse to get involved?

Because I know it's a bad idea to start a
Big debate with a girl. What about if it's a guy though? Do you tend to
Get involved in long winded 'he believes that but I believe this and here's why'. Or do you try to shut them down quickly? Because surely debating destroys connection etc?

3) How often do you go out to try and pickup girls Chase? Do you leave it pretty much to the weekend or do you also go out specifically to
Chat to girls mid week also? And what are your thoughts on a good amount of girls to be seeing. 4 or 5 seems manageable, anymore and I would think drama is not so far away. How many gals do you see.

4) how do you deal with situations where your competing for a girl with a guy who is bigger and taller than you?

5) fashion is something that I'm not to hot on. You say that it's beneficial to look somewhat affluent. What do you exactly mean by this? Smart casual shirt n jeans etc ? or wearing suits etc lol? Surely you don't want to look too wealthy and lead your self into boyfriend zone? Also can you give me any tips on hairstyle. I generally try and create a kind of messy look which seems I work well, but anymore specific pointers? This could probably be a good article idea.

Thanks Chase.

Thinking Enigma's picture

I'm not Chase, but here's a few tips

1. There's three ways to get rid of guys like this. You can either just outwit the dude, and make him embarrass himself, which is kind of a dick thing to do, imo. You can simply move the girl away from him in some form or fashion, or you can join some sort of larger group, then leave the group again with the girl, leaving the guy behind with the group. I'm still working on this myself, so others might have better advice here

2. When a girl says something I disagree with, I'l either just make a little snarky joke about it (essentially having fun while letting her know you don't agree with her), or I'll just ignore the comment and move on to a different topic. Odds are that if you ignore it, she won't bring it up again, whereas if you make a big deal out of it, THAT will be what she remembers from your interaction, which isn't good.

3. I don't specifically go out to pick up girls, but I'm always on the lookout wherever I am. I've picked up girls while at work (I'm a photographer for a newspaper), at weddings, or even in line at the grocery store.

4. Size doesn't matter that much tbh, it's all about your fundamentals. If your fundamentals are better than his, she won't be paying attention to how big the other guy is.

5. Check out the articles on fashion here on the site. They're chock full of great advice. Also, read the article about being edgy in order to give you a frame to read the other articles. It's all about the vibe that you give off.

Hope this helps


Chase Amante's picture


EDIT: Ah - wrote this before seeing TE's post, otherwise I wouldn't have covered so much of the same time. Well, here it is nevertheless.

On guys going after girls you like, see this article: "Trouncing Male Competition for Girls in the Dating Scene."

Basically, be better than him - and stop working on her and start sleeping with her!

On differing opinions, unless you're there specifically to debate, leave it alone. See this article for more on this: "The Conversationalist." Remember what you're there for. If it's for making friends or picking up lovers, letting your "voice be heard" is a detour, not an enhcancement.

Going out depends on what you're trying to accomplish, and how much of it. When you're brand spanking new, I'd recommend you be going out 3 to 4 times a week and meeting 5 to 15 girls each time, if you want any kind of reasonably rapid progress. After that, you can scale back. How much I personally go out depends on whether I'm focused on picking up a lot - in which case I may either meet women every day on the street or in transit to and from wherever my daily commute takes me, if I do a lot of walking, or I may go out to bars, nightclubs, networking events, parties, and social events, casting the net as wide as possible, and throw in some online game (all this done at once fills up the pipeline VERY fast, and then you need to scale back just to make time for dates) - or if I'm not focused on picking up a lot, in which case I may only go out specifically to meet women a handful of times a month (though still often meet them as I go about my day).

As far as how many girls to see, that very much depends on your tastes, how much or how little you're investing in these relationships, and what you're in them for. I quit casual sexual relationships a long time ago as a waste of my time, so only do ONS and long-term relationships these days. I generally find managing more than one girlfriend per city / base of operations to be a chore, and don't usually do it - it's just too much juggling. However, if you're doing casual / open relationships, you're usually fine up to 3 or 4, after which the time commitment escalates fast, unless you're taking the kind of very low investment approach Ricardus talks about in "How to Date Multiple Women (with Zero Drama)."

Competing with guys bigger and taller than you - just be cooler, more charismatic, and more dominant, and these advantages of his usually go out the window. If not, and a given girl is clearly sold on the guy, just move on and find someone else who isn't more or less taken. You can alternatively "play vulture", and just wait for the big-and-tall guy to get tired and go home, then snag the girl when she's still left out and feeling all warm and fuzzy from talking to him - very easy to transfer the excitement he built to yourself once he's no longer present. Since most guys don't have very good game, this is often a valid option.

On fashion - see this article: "Fashion for Men: The Primer on Looking Amazing."

And on hair - I've an article upcoming on that - not sure when, it's been in the works forever, like the fashion one was before it - but generally attractively messy is a good bet. Try looking up whatever the latest stars girls are going crazy for have as their hairstyles, and pick the one that most appeals to you, or find a good fashion hair stylist in your town, book an appointment, and tell him your hair is his canvas - just make you look sexy.


Nicholas's picture

Awesome. This really hit home and hard.

Love it. I don't really have much else to say, great writing Chase.

Vince's picture

The utimate guide on how to be like James Bond is this site!

Richard's picture

Chase -

Quick question because I come across people who have this problem all the time, asking for my advice on it, but since you mentioned it, I was wondering what you've got to say on the matter.

You said:
"I felt shame and embarrassment at the idea of ANYONE thinking poorly of me."

So my question is, how did you get over that?


phelwan's picture


We have a saying in the bush: "The snake who doesnt go after the frog doesnt eat". Explain to them that as a man they have needs, i.e. sexual needs. If they are to worried about what other people thinking poorly of them they will never meet their goals or get the women that want. They need a mental attitude that no one can judge them. I need to go after what i want with out consideration for what other people think about me. In the end its you go after the frog and eat or you slither away and die. "The man that never took a chance never had a chance."
My two cents


Richard's picture


Funny enough, I've given them that exact quote. First heard that, not in the bush but, from a member of the Indian Tribe on an outing yearssss ago, haha.

Unfortunately, some people find it hard to take words at their value, and such phrases really hold no power, or rather no motivation for them, and I've shown them the advantages of having such a mindset by picking up women in front of them but no such luck.

I struggled with this myself for a little while until I developed an I don't care what people think attitude... but no getting through to them, man. It sucks!


phelwan's picture


Well I guess it all boils down to if they really want to reap the benefits or not. What they want to introduce into their lives. Seduction is not for everyone as for us its part of our lives we believe in it. By all means I was no natural. Like yourself i struggled too, immensely. Maybe it has to with age are your proteges young or w/o much life experience, could be the issue. It could be that they just dont want to and no amount of explaining to them how it works will benefit them. Hey, thats less seducers on the street and more women for you and I. The way i got rid of the thoughts that i cared what people thought was that i kept reminding myself that while running game that I would never see these individuals again and girls will forget about the guy who came up to them and offered them a compliment. Hell try asking them what they had for dinner two days ago and i'll bet they'll draw blanks. I had to be a man and men go after what they want regardless of what the consequences are or regard for what people think and like yourself knows thats how you become successful. Life is to short to not go after the girl they find attractive. I met an very old man who was close to his final months of living and what he told me was that the only thing he regretted in life was not going after every single girl he found attractive. It was powerful and it struck me. From then on i was determined to go after what i wanted without any yield for what others think. Maybe you can take them out for an outing and show them how its done even if you don't close with a girl it shows them that its not a big deal and that its all a fun game. Hope this helps!


Richard's picture

Completely agree with you,

I'll just have them read what you wrote ;)

That should inspire them!

I'm off the market now though, details of that little story will be in my next article on the site. Took a while, but I finally ran across a girl who satisfied my relationshio needs =P


Franco's picture

"Took a while, but I finally ran across a girl who satisfied my relationshio needs =P"

Curious to hear about this one, Richard. I told you it would eventually happen... you just needed a little patience and a lot of approaching! ;)



phelwan's picture


I have always struggled with patience. What can you say about patience?


Mr. Rob's picture

"Took a while, but I finally ran across a girl who satisfied my relationship needs" I have to disagree with you on this one it didn't take you a while... It took you a snap dude! You went out there and got it. I think I joined the boards in May or June and you were just starting out with cold approaching complaining how there weren't any Latina's where you live and here we are 4-5 months later and you have multiple lays and a girlfriend (most of them being latina's if I remember right). If that's not the fastest learning curve ever somebody point me in the right direction this dudes on fire... and apparently needs to learn some patience lol. ;)

Anyway happy you got a sick GF. More women for us now anyway with you off the market. ;)


Prince's picture

Hey Chase,

I'm all about the cold approach! I know the game is a skilled numbers game and that we should always think in numbers.

So flakes is part of the game, but I am wondering what do you do when you run into a girl who has flaked? e.g. I'm am working at a resort at the moment and have cold approached some girls I have meet in the lunch room/bus.

I ask them out & get their numbers but when working out/confirming the final logistics some of them flake and don't text back after asking what their schedule is looking like. I don't want to be needy and txt them again. Any advice?? I'm aware of your flake article.

Q. what do you do when you see the flake in person again e.g. in the lunch room? without them being awkward even though I don't care to much..


Chase Amante's picture


Just be casual but short: "Hey! How's it going... how's that XYZ. Well, cool - glad to know it's all going well. See you around!"

Incidentally, when you do this enough, most of these girls eventually come around and start chasing you down for dates - probably because it shows very clearly that you're neither going to become the awkward/weird guy who doesn't know what to say because he feels rejected, or the overly-persistent guy who's going to keep asking her out whenever he runs into her despite her implicitly saying, "Not right now," the first time around.


Troy's picture

Hey Chase,

I saw a comment you made on a recent post as a reply to how many articles are on girlschase. I counted and got 640 including "How and Where to Go Overseas as a Single Man". You said that there are currently 645 including "How and Where to Move overseas as a single man. correct me if im wrong but i see 642 articles now, including this one. Is your guest post on post masculine another 1 ? I would like to see a category where i can view all the articles numbered and in the same format as with how the "Classics" and "How to..." section of articles is done simple. It takes too long to navigate through the entire articles on girlschase, "Insights of the Mind of the Seducer", in chronological order with parts of all the articles showing. This would help us readers find and navigate all articles easier, effective and fun. thanks!


Chase Amante's picture


Oh, right - I was going off my list of articles, but took some older ones down a while back for reasons of privacy as this site's grown a lot larger than it originally was. The number I gave before included those unpublished articles, which are no longer accessible on the site.

And, noted on your request to view articles in list form - I can't promise we'll add a functionality like that super soon, but I'll see what we can do about it!


Anonymous's picture

Chase I know that being a lover is the way to go for quick sex with women, and obviously you don't need money to be a lover.

BUT will a girl go out with a guy who has no money LONG TERM

is just being a lover not enough to create a relationship?

Also if you did have money, would being merely stable be okay to start a relationship as opposed to being loaded? I guess it must come down to the type of girl she is and what she's wants.

I just think though if you can really become a man who girls just fall in love with, a man who a girl knows she WON'T find anywhere else, won't that overrule material goods etc, isn't that feeling she has just too powerful to turn away?

Chase Amante's picture


It very much depends on the girl and on the relationship.

Women who are genuinely non-materialistic and who otherwise have a fulfilling relationship with you won't mind you not having money, even over the long-term, at least so long as THEY don't start earning lots of money.

Conversely, women who are either earning much more than you or who are materialistically-inclined will being to pressure you and eventually rebel against you IF you make the shift from lover to provider, something that becomes harder and harder to avoid doing the further into a relationship you go. Most of my legitimately-broke friends who are very good with women also are very challenged to hold onto any halfway decent women once the early sheen of the lover relationship wears off and they're left wanting to satisfy a boyfriend role.

That said, finding a girl who works at a low-paying job, cares more about art or spirituality or something along those lines than material success, and surrounds herself solely with friends who feel the same (and aren't walking around making her jealous with their Gucci boots and Versace handbags and loaded boy toys), can prevent you needing to ever make much money... so long as she doesn't change, of course (as it is women's prerogative to do!).


xcrunner's picture

I think another point on that Reddit thread that people miss is that you can GREATLY increase your chances of success with cold approach is by understanding approach invitations. A girl who gives you strong eye contact and a smile will be much more open to approach than a girl with her head down and headphones in. I think this is a huge part of cold approaching. Most of the LRs and good FRs that I have read on the boards (and most of my lays) have been when a girl was showing interest before

Mr.Bartender's picture

I am really glad that you wrote this article Chase. It definitely will help guys that just cannot get over that mental hump that approaching woman really ISNT a big annoyance for the girl, but is HUGE in our development.

I have found that my most successful cold approaches have been when I am not actively going out to cold approach, but when I am just running errands and I am not in my head at all.(especially at nighttime). Although I also know that when actively going out to cold approach is where my learning takes place.

My concern is that I am in a position where I have a plethora of attractive girls at my fingertips, but have not figured out the best method to really take advantage of it. I am referring to my job as a bartender at smaller club/bar in a college town. Have I had success, absolutely. But I just cant figure out a good method for taking advantage of this consistently.

The bigger question in mind is for guys like myself, where we are lucky to be in such a position, how does this differ from cold approach and even social circle game, or are there similarities. Also for other men that are in such positions such as djs, bouncers, bartenders, or anything where you have the woman there, but do not know how to fully take advantage of it.

Thanks a lot Chase for your articles. I must say that holy hell has it been hard to transition from old pickup train of thought to yours, but I am slowly noticing changes in myself and my approaches for the better, so thank you.

Chase Amante's picture


My bartender friends all seem to use the same strategy - it's also one Ricardus mentions briefly in "How to Use Your Job to Meet Women" - that is, inviting pretty girls to an "after party" after the bar closes. If the girls are pretty and you're on good terms with the manager, you won't usually have many problems with this, from what I've seen - the only thing is that you can't charge for the alcohol, and need to maintain tight control over who gets in or not - you must be comfortable saying, "You three girls can come, and you can come too, bro, but I can't let you other guys in - my manager says four people and that's it. Sorry guys."

I haven't seen this in action - all the after parties I've been to like this I've either been friends with the bartender already, or one of the girls got me in, but what seems to happen is that at some point during the night, the bartender just asks whatever girls are cutest and seem most promising (I'd imagine the ones who keep popping up on his radar, flirting with him and getting their drinks from him) if they want to come to an after party, then lays out the ground rules - e.g., you can bring two of your girlfriends, but I can't let anyone else in, and none of your guy friends. Most girls hop at the chance for this, and will happily tell their guy friends they couldn't get them in, sorry, and get that prestige boost from feeling like part of the "in" crowd.

Then, just ply them with free liquor and take them in the back room!

If you do it right, being a bartender in a good bar or club (with lots of cute girls and good turnover) will net you a LOT of lays in a very short period of time. Also a good ticket in with just about any circle you want - get organizing small, exclusive after hours parties (with the manager's permission), and you'll be the one holding the keys to the kind of exclusivity most bar goers kill to get access to and brag about having access to with other people.


M A's picture

I just did my first cold approach last night at a bar. I felt *SO* out of place and awkward. Strangely, I have a broad extended social circle and have been told many times that I come across as charismatic, powerful, intimidating, and warm.

So I know that the *ONLY* thing standing in my way at this point is my approach anxiety. I actually had these exact doubts you described about whether I was some incurable lost cause in this regard.

And hey, I have had some decent luck with playing the social circle game over the past few years, both before and after I started actively improving myself with women. But there's always been something lacking; there's some kind of subconscious neediness or weakness that comes with knowing deep down that the only way you can find attractive mates or even meaningful friendships is through sheer luck.

As for my de-virginizing approach last night, it was sort of a hilarious blowout, as should probably be expected. I got GRILLED hardcore about why I was at the bar alone on Friday night (frustrating because I had convinced myself that this wouldn't be an issue) and the two girls got very serious on me after a minute or two with a harsh but polite "we'd like you to leave now."

I actually wish (not really though :) ) that they had tried to involve the manager just so I could experience the social proof factor. He and I are on pretty good terms because I used to work with a lot of his coworkers in the management of his restaurant group, and he enjoys sharing tales about it.

Anyway, thanks for being an incredible source of inspiration.

Franco's picture

M A,

Thanks for sharing your first approach! In my opinion, the biggest blowouts can be the best ones. Why is that? Well, when you wake up in the morning and realize you have completely forgotten about it (or okay, maybe two mornings later if it's on your mind), then you realize that you've experienced the worst!

And guess what...? It wasn't so bad! You can go right back out there and keep doing what you're doing realizing that you've experienced the lowest "1%" of bad experiences you can have while cold approaching, and yet you could end up going home with a beautiful girl the very next night. That's just the way the ball rolls sometimes when you're learning all of this new stuff.

It sounds like you had a good laugh over it, and that's exactly the way you should think about things like that: as a good laugh. Then you go right back out there and do it again. ;)

- Franco

The M's picture

Hi Chase,

Beautiful article. Gave me goosebumps a few times. :)

But one doubt keeps nagging me: is it worth doing cold approach before your career is established and successful?

Spending 1000s of hours approaching and dating girls, and 1000s of other hours analyzing your approaches and interactions, is a major time sink. While you're out talking to girls, other guys are at home working and passing you by. They certainly wish they could be good with girls like you, but they sacrifice rapid success in that area in order to gain rapid success in their life's work.

So, my question is: do you think the enormous boost in confidence and happiness I'll get from knowing that I can approach and often get any girl I want, not to mention from having lots of beautiful girls in my life, will cause me to achieve much greater motivation and success in my career that I would have had otherwise, and thus outweigh the loss of time?

The M

Chase Amante's picture


That's a good question. Getting successful with women will change the way you think about your career, that's for certain... most men who work work because they imagine, somewhere deep in the recesses of their minds, that the key to limitless dropped panties in their future lies in crushing it on Excel spreadsheets and PowerPoint presentations today. When you learn how to get women on your own without having to become the VP of a Fortune 500 company first, that motivation for a career no longer applies.

You can still have other motivations for achieving career success - proving to your peers / family that you can do it; taking care of your family and providing a great life for them; etc. In fact, most men make more money once they're married, as their priorities shift from meeting and courting women to, now, providing for their woman and the children they subsequently have. If you can get good with women and find your dream girl faster, you might be able to expedite this process.

At the same time, I've also seen guys who abandoned their careers because their main dream was just to sleep with as many women as possible, and once they got good game they no longer needed to do anything else.

I'd say, if your goals in life stretch beyond simply getting laid, then getting good with women now is probably very much worth it, simply for taking this off your plate as a distraction (while most of your 30-ish year old peers are tearing their hair out trying to meet some slightly chubby chick at happy hour, you're parading around your super model-esque fiancée with a PhD and a killer personality, and focusing your energies solely on killing it at work to keep the both of you living a great lifestyle and provide a promising future for your gorgeous and intelligent future offspring together) and for giving you all the rafts of social skill improvements that come along with it, which you can subsequently use to climb the corporate ladder on turbo.

If, on the other hand, getting laid with tons of hotties is the be-all and end-all of what you want in life, you probably don't want to learn pickup until you're happy with your career, because once you achieve your goal, your motivation to do much else than go around nailing pretty girls will be roughly nil!


CroTony's picture

Hi Chase,

my opinion is that this website is really the best one on the internet regarding seduction (at least of which I came across), and great site for life in general.

And this article has specially blown out my mind as I found myself struggling with harmful internal thinking of cold approaching as "annoying" to most of the girls (and deep inside I'm a "good guy" that don't want to annoy other people).

I think you finally solved that issue with this article. :)

However, I am constantly puzzled with one though regarding seduction, especially with experienced seducers as you are:

How and when do you know it is "enough"?

You wrote, and I believe that you've slept with lots and lots of beautiful and smart women, but you still haven't found the one you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

When do you know you have found the "right one", as all this seduction game looks like an neverending game - you practice and get better, then as a result get better women which gives you more experience to pursue "hotter " women, going in a neverending upward spiral.

But at one time, I guess you come to the level that you can get almost any girl you want, and then the motivation can't be "I want to date (sleep with) hot women" as you already are there.

What is your motivation to explore the seduction when you've come to that "final" level of seduction and know that realistically there is no more "better women" then you are already getting?

And also, no matter how good you get in the seduction we are still getting older like everyone else, and I suppose you would like to have your family, kids etc.

So when, how and why you think you would want to "settle", ie. when do WE know its time to put all this seduction stuff away and decide to build and enjoy our family life?

Isn't there a danger in getting too absorbed in seduction and "sex only", so in the end we miss other important phases in our life, and then it is too late, for example our kids suffer the consequences of having an old dad in his 70s while they are in their 20s?

What are your thoughts on this issues?



Chase Amante's picture


This is one that might seem like a danger when you're outside of it, but I'll tell you firsthand, from watching a few generations of seducers come and go, it's a fun ride but it doesn't last for pretty much anyone. Most of the guys I came into pickup with and who got good at the same time I did are now married and/or with children, usually with girls they consider to be their dream girls. Most of the guys who were part of the original "pickup" generation have long since bowed out to have families as well. Most of my natural friends, too, now have very serious relationships or children. No matter how good you get, biology eventually kicks in.

I wouldn't worry too much about "where this will take you"; your brain and body want you to mate and reproduce, and will take you there eventually. When you're young, you imagine you could stay single and tear through women forever, and it's not uncommon to hear guys in their twenties declaring, "All those men who get married and have children are FOOLS! I'm staying single FOREVER and never having messy, annoying children EVER!"

And then you see them a few years later, and they're married and have a couple of messy, annoying children.

Somewhere between 30 and 45, every guy starts tiring of seduction and wanting something more settled… including (especially?) the guys who swear up and down until they're red in the face that that will NEVER be them. Then, maybe, possibly, after a while of being settled down, you get the itch to be single again - how strong it is and whether you act on it depends a lot on your history, your personal preferences, and often also your parents' relationship profiles - people from strong families tend to have strong families themselves, and people from broken families tend to repeat the pattern (not always, but often).

I wouldn't worry about knowing "when it's time" to settle - nature is very good at not letting you "forget" to do this. If you don't do it by a certain age, nature takes over - it's kind of funny to behold when you see it happening to all your friends who used to tell you they'd never get locked down.


uForia's picture

Hello Chase,
I'm a college freshman who just came back from a party, of course very angrily. I would approach by touching a girl on the upper arms and then moving to grinding, but NOBODY would ever show ANY good interest in me. Sure, I would grind with a girl but she never shows any passion. What the hell am I supposed to do? If i show more interest, I'll look needy. If I show less interest, well then she'll just walk away anyways.

I followed every single one of your fundamentals as well, except going to the gym part, as I am currently skinny but working out to get that part taken care of. Being an Asian man, I am very meticulous about implementing your strategies. Oh, and on the topic of being Asian, since we cannot talk in the dance floor due to loud music, perhaps it's my unattractive skinny physique that's causing girls to be turned off.

What should I do? Since this is a small school, I am unsure about whether cold approaching is ok (Especially in reality I never started putting your advice into action since beginning of college). And even girls on the periphery of my social circle (That you like to emphasize so much) won't dance with me. Then I'm left confused because you said that's how I should go about things... In parties however, all I can do is cold approach women and take their upper arm and eventually go to grinding but then it just halts there unpassionately. And it has to be from behind, because no girl likes to see me approach from the front, as their faces already seem somewhat repelled. What am I doing wrong?

Chase Amante's picture


I know Colt likes grinding - he talks about it in his very recent (after your comment here, actually) article on party sex, but normally my advice is DO NOT grind.

If you know what you're doing with it - like Colt does - it can be okay, but I can tell you from months of clueless grinding before I began doing much cold approaching back in 2005, this is not usually a path to getting anything more than kissing at best (which then turns into nothing, because you're the club makeout guy and girls don't go home with the club makeout guy)... and unless you're very good at grinding, usually not even that. Remember that grinding is a skill like anything else - to be good at it, you need very good rhythm, very good anticipation of the girl's movements, and it helps immensely if you have training in other forms of dance.

My thoughts on dance floor in general are here: "Tactics Tuesdays: Dance Floor Game"; my main advice, though, is get off the dance floor unless you're a standout dancer. If you're not good at dancing, the dance floor is a terrible way to meet women. Personally, I'm an okay dancer; girls "wow" at my hip movements, tell me I have good rhythm, and enjoy my maneuvers. But I steer clear of the dance floor 99% of the time like the seduction death trap it is. The only time I set foot on it is if I'm in a conversation with a girl I met sitting down who needs to commit more to our interaction, but I can't ask her to sit like I normally would (because we're already sitting). So instead, I'll take her up to dance to two songs, then go sit back down again... but that's it.

That said, if dancing is a particular interest, the posts by Peter and Cody on this should be useful:

So, main advice: stop dancing with girls, and start talking to them off the dance floor.

Let all those other dancing fools grind on women and think they're getting somewhere. Just concentrate on meeting those women when they step off the dance floor, and all the dance floor guys are left scratching their heads wondering how they didn't get the girl after they just shared such an awesome grind session with her.


Anonymous's picture

Thanks in advance if you get the chance to respond to this. The problem I'm encountering is that girls simply do not want to go on anything resembling a real date. As soon as I mention doing something with just the two of us, girls get really closed off, serious, and even nervous. They might give me their number but they don't really text me back. It seems like the only thing a girl will say yes to is being invited to a party where she can bring her friends, which I know is not ideal. I've tried instant dates and setting up stuff for the future. As far as I know, my conversational skills are fine. I'm okay with rejection, but it seems like taking the direct approach with these girls is the wrong thing to do. Is there another way?

Chase Amante's picture


This is almost always a sign you need to upgrade your fundamentals. That's things like:

When these are taken care of, women will jump at the chance to be one-on-one with you.

It may also be a sign you're waiting too long (if you're meeting these girls via social circle) and you're asking out girls who are already used to having you in their friend zones. If that's the case, you'll want to see these articles:

Basically, the key is getting your fundamentals down tight, so that women find you attractive, and then moving quickly and capitalizing on their attraction while it's still there, before the flame of desire goes out and you rotate into the "nice platonic guy I know from XYZ place" role where you suddenly making a move seems weird and out of character.


PinotNoir's picture

Even though I have already read these past articles and have become "enlightened" by cold approaching, it's GREAT to see all of them summarized and condensed into one post. Thanks.

Ultimately, I think the users at reddit are asking the wrong question -- which you have pointed out.

After I started cold approaching more (I still need to do it more), I asked my female friends and my ex-girlfriends a simple question:

"How would you want a handsome man to ask you on a date and begin dating you?"

I NEVER, ever heard these answers:

"Through a friend."

I did hear:

"On the street."
"At a fun event (day festival/parade, activity of interest, etc.)."
"Just 'bumping' into each other spontaneously somewhere (grocery store, coffee shop, etc.)."

This just reiterates what you've said.

My most recent girlfriend actually said "on the street." This was quite surprising to me because I had thought she was going to say some romantic Movie like the Notebook.

Also, it's the internet. I think that instead they should ask the above question to their female friends and/or (ex-)girlfriends in real life. It's usually pretty realistic (i.e., not like romance novels) and a cold approach. Of course, this sometimes depends on the girls level of experience. I'd be really interested in the new survey results.

Marty's picture

Hey Pinot Noir,

An incredibly astute observation. I had not thought about this, but you're right, they're "asking the wrong question".

One thing I've noticed is that couples hate to say that they met in a clichéd locale such as a bar... especially committed couples of the man-and-wife variety. Even if that is in fact how they met, they rarely admit it, or "remember it wrong" such that it is colored with a "more romantic" hue!

After all, what lady would not wish to be swept off her feet in the street: as long as the right man is doing the sweeping?


Chase Amante's picture

Agreed with Marty, Pinot. Incredibly astute indeed.


Yink's picture

Wow,this is an enlightening topic chase,great work.Chase is it possible to "re-attract" a girl who was into you before but who you moved too slow with after spending time apart?.I met a girl nine months ago,she was into me but I moved too slow with her and acted like a friend.Due to work and college,I traveled to another state, we've spoken to each other about 5 times in nine months(I keep phone calls to a minimum to avoid been friendzoned since we can't meet each other for dates).Now I will be traveling back in a week and I want to know how to get her blood rushing when she sees me.Of course she would see that my fundamentals has improved(thanks to girlschase) and I'm planning on moving VERY fast this time but do you think that this will get her to be attracted to me AGAIN?

Chase Amante's picture


It can happen - if she has good memories of you, the bad ones can fade and the good ones remain, a la "rose-colored glasses." It also helps if you have some form of preselection going on - if she's seeing you with other women in person or via photos she comes across online, for instance. If you're very much changed in appearance and behavior, this can be exciting and intriguing for her - wow, you've seriously upgraded! Major attraction switches can be flipped.

It mostly comes down to where she's at in her life (e.g., happy with a boyfriend vs. feeling lonely and wondering what happened to all those guys who used to like her) and how long it's been since she's last heard from you - the longer, the better.


Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase! Thanks for the article!

I have a curious question I have for you, wondering if you have any thoughts. Recently I met a few cute girls at my university and at the time, I wasn't really looking for any serious relationship so I invited the girls over to a party I was hosting and later to a dinner with my friends. Would this act imply to them that I am not interested in any serious with them and would it basically make it harder for me to pursue anything later on? I have recently read your article about how to make friends who are girls and it consisted of meeting with them alone and with friends. Am I effectively friend-zoning myself to the max? Thanks!

Chase Amante's picture


See my answer to you in this comment: "Inviting Girls to Parties."


Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

I had a situation where I ran into a girl at school where I had met her a few times before but had really low contact. This girl was walking in my same direction so I told her to walk with me. During the walk, she bumped into me on purpose a few times and probably hinted towards me that she liked me but I was in a rush and had to leave her. Fast forward to this week, I saw her again but her actions seemed a little conservative as she was no longer as bubbly as before. I've since decided I'd like to go after her but am not sure how as I haven't seen her for about a few days now.

I was going to do your standard texting strategies but don't know if its better to text her now or wait until I run into her again.

If I text her now, it is my worries it comes off as way too random. Would you text her and use the word "date" to imply my interest in her? Thanks chase!

Chase Amante's picture


See this comment response on the same topic: "Reconnecting via Text."

And, don't use "date." Nobody dates anymore ;) "Let's grab a bite or a drink" is all you need.


Marty's picture

This has to be one of the best articles on the site... and I've read hundreds of them.

This paragraph really hit home: oh so true...

And if you want to meet the kinds of women that *I* like to meet... beautiful girls with great educations, good careers, and strong independent streaks, GOOD LUCK meeting them through ANY social circle... because most of them are too busy with their lives to waste much time on social circle.

So refreshing to read an observation of such perspicacity!

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, and everyone else reading,

This is great advice. You've laid out clearly why we need to do this, despite multitudes of failures and calibration, and a real hit to ego and confidence. I am curious to know if there are or is a regimen I can follow, just like going to the gym to build muscle.

Specifically, while I've started cold approaching for about a week and a half, I still sometimes find it very hard to follow through, and there is an internal voice in my head that doesn't want to change and approach. Sometimes I will cold approach 3-4 girls in an outing of a few hours, which while better than before will not get me the results I need.

1. How do you push yourself? Just like at the gym when you hit a certain threshold you move to the next weight class and exercise, is there a regimen to do this with cold approaching?

2. As you keep approaching, what do you look for in terms of deeming what works, and troubleshooting what doesn't work?

3. What is the minimum, and also the ideal, amount of time to invest in a day or in a week in this activity to really hone in skills?

Chase Amante's picture


I don't have any specific regimen I'd recommend, except to say that when you're starting out, you want to aim for 3 to 4 outings per week at minimum (more, if you can do more without burning yourself out), meeting at least 5 to 10 women per outing (ideally, 10+).

I talked about pushing yourself and motivation in this article: "Going Out to Meet Women Even When You Don’t Want to", and Ricardus has some additional nice perspective on it here: "Meet New Girls by Doing THIS." In my experience, it's easiest to simply build it into a routine, same as you do with the gym; Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings or evenings you go to the gym, and Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights you go to the club and Sunday nights you go do day game, maybe with some salsa night Tuesdays thrown in for good measure as well (for example - choose your own days / venues, of course).

As far as deciding what you need to work on next, I'm a big fan of setting specific goals for things I need to work on, that are just on the edge of what's achievable for me, and then going hard until I hit those goals. So for example, when I was new, I had goals like, "Get 2 phone numbers from girls tonight," and, "Kiss one girl tonight." Later it became things like, "Get every girl I talk to for more than 10 minutes to come sit with me," and, "Get into playful sexual banter early on with every girl"; later still it was, "Invite home at least 2 girls tonight" and "Approach 3 women on the street tonight." Every time you knock out a goal, pick another goal beyond that, and target it. I'd generally have 2 or 3 goals that were within reach but made me stretch written down on a piece of paper, at least until I got fairly good. Then I'd just have one bigger thing I wanted to try, like, "See if I can get a girl to agree to go home with me within 10 minutes of meeting me tonight," or, "Invite two girlfriends home with me together."

I wouldn't worry as much about hours into it, as these get diluted very quick if they're your main focus - it's easy to say, "Man, I put 6 hours into learning game last night! I'm a champ!" and think it's a win, where in reality most of that six hours was spent sitting at the bar sipping on rum and checking your phone for text messages. Far better to set goals that will push your limits rather than time-oriented goals that don't FORCE you to do anything more than punch the clock.


Balla's picture

Chase, I 100 percent agree with you on cold approaching, it's like, even if you sleep with a lot of girls from a young aae, you still have to cold approach so you don't wait until the girl you think that is sexy comes to you and you don't have to be stuck with social circle girls either.

My take is you either are going to get girls you want by being, 1. A popular, rich, and well liked celeb, 2. Spend money on them, 3. Cold approach and have your fundamentals down to a T.

Anyway, I read in comments from the past about being one way with white women and another with black. You said be warm and educated with white but not with black because she might want you to be boyfriend material.

So how are you suppose to approach black women different from white so you dont end up in the bf zone?

And is it bad to open with are you single? From what it looks like, it looks like a question you ask during mid convo, but I'd like to know if that can be the first thing you ask?


Chase Amante's picture


I could tell you how to approach black women as a white man, but I get the impression it's very different for a white guy than a black guy. My black friends who are good with girls I've only seen pick up white, Asian, and Latin girls, and haven't seen them spend much time talking to black girls. As a white guy, you need a much more sexual vibe, a LOT more sexual humor, and this kind of "you know I know you know it's on between us, don't you girl" sort of vibe. The few times I've seen my black friends talk to black girls it's been similar, so it MIGHT be the same, but I can't say for sure.

Colt's reserved rights on the "getting white girls as a black guy" article, so I expect he'll get one up on that at some point in the not-too-distant future. I'll add something to the article queue on black girls as well - maybe he can do a piece on them from the point of view you'll be most looking for.

As for "Are you single?" - of course! You can definitely use it as an opener. I'd suggest if you're curious, try it out for size and see if it fits - it's really down to what works best for you.


Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase!

Got a fast question for you. There is a girl I met in my PhD program as I am a first year phd student and she is in my program as well. I met her a few times during orientation but other than that didn't really talk to her too much or ask her out at the time as I wanted to see if I had other options. Right now I've gotten interested in her and like to ask her out but I don't see her anymore as I dropped a class we were both taking and my campus is huge.

I have her number and was thinking of texting her for a date like so: "Hey Lisa, hope youre doing well =). I've been super busy recently and just finished midterms. Anyways, things recently cleared up a bit and I was wondering if youd like to go out and get lunch or dinner sometime together. what's your week looking like? :)"

Would you just send this text or would you wait until you see her again? (Which I have no idea how long as I usually randomly bump into people). Thanks Chase!

Chase Amante's picture


Yeah, I'd do something similar to that - I'd drop the emoticons, and tweak it just a little bit on the date setup part - see this post on the boards for my standard reconnecting text if you want something to model it after that's been tested pretty thoroughly:

Check-In Text If You Haven't Texted in a While


340Breeze's picture

Cold approach is the best way to find quality women. It might be scary (at first) but waiting on a social circle to deliver results is really stupid. That's like Steve Jobs waiting for Google to deliver Android before he said, let's do an iPhone. You have to innovate and do novel things if you want movement whether in your life or the lives of billions.

The issue I want some insight on is whether there are any red flags that we can look for during cold approach? We know women test men, and that the tests never go away. We also know that in the beginning (of a cold approach) some women need convincing to stay, and to not leave. A man must persist for what he wants and turn the tide because we know if a man lets a woman go without trying, he usually doesn't get the girl. But if she stays, then he passes her subconscious "test", and he's seen as a strong man who can deal with her neurotic behavior and calm her down. He gets her to see things his way when she usually doesn't see things the way of any man, and now she's more attracted to him. You've said this (more or less) over and over on this sight before. And it's true.

But what I don't remember you talking about is what life will be like with such a woman. A woman that you had to persist HARD to get. Who's nerves you calmed down and now is your lover and/or gf. What a man will have to live thru if he has to do this with a woman.

In the past, I was close with such a woman. But she drove me nuts. She always needed convincing just like during the cold approach...sometimes to do basic things. She was a feminist, suspicious of me being a male chauvinist, and it's almost like she had something to prove -- ATTITUDE for kicks and laughs -- but I think personally it was just to appear to not be weak. Plus she was an only child which meant she wasn't used of having to share resources or not get her way.

And Instead of calmly and rationally communicating her feelings, she'd shut down and throw tantrums whenever she felt like I wasn't doing something she wanted. Guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. For example, say I wanted to take a trip to somewhere she didn't want to go, instead of her directly stating that, and then wanting to warmly compromise, she'd self-sabotage: she'd ignore, insult, throw tantrums. Use colorful language. We all know negative emotions aren't conducive to seduction but she didn't care about any of that.

Now we all know that remaining calm and being dominant and calming her down (like I did during the cold approach to get her in the first place) will work. But just because something works doesn't make it fun! It's stressful having to deal with that all the time. During the cold approach I didn't mind persisting and being calm, but after a few months of always having to do that for BIG decisions (just like the big decision to come with me during the cold approach) it just sucks the fun out of the seduction for me.

I don't like to have to always convince a woman to do something she SEEMS like she doesn't want to do. Especially when the manner in which she shows her doubt/displeasure with what I want is with such STRONG negative emotion! I can do it, but at the end of the convincing, I don't feel victorious (like win/win). Instead, I feel like I just came out of a BATTLE and I am drained! Real talk, I felt like I was taking care of a baby. But maybe it's like you say girls are silly and cute and who am I to expect any different?

I am new to all this relationship stuff. Short-term lovers yes. Long-term relationships, NO! So Maybe I did something wrong and should have run the relationship differently, or maybe there are red flags from having to persist extremely hard like I did during a cold approach.

Either way I'd like to hear from you man!!



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