How to Think About Women as You Get More Experienced
In the recent article on being happy while leading an unconventional life, a reader asked the following questions about remaining motivated as you become more skilled with women:
super article. Especially the point about keeping your mouth shut. One you know about but always need a reminder. Very very important if you want to be a maverick ;). But theres a point i would like your opinion on. It struck to me when read about the cybersatiation part. You have stressed again again the importance of sleeping with girls to get better with them . But what is also important is the hunger to sleep with them. Most of the guys like me are satiated with the responses that girls give . As in there are always 5 or 7 girls in my life which bounce around me and love my company to the extent they would sleep with me. But this creates a feel good factor of temporary satiation which kills my intent at the moment when physical escalation is needed. ( though i fret about it later and am all disappointed.) an article about keeping your intent at the moment so much so that the inner hunger that drives the game would be pretty interesting. What is that goes in the mind of a true seducer at the time of going for the kill? is he lusting over the night to come or is he still not overwhelmed by the situation? my question is because we always here every guy good with girls saying ' oh it just happened i didnt do anything ' the girl just came and fell on my johnson!!:D)”
It's really a two-part question.
In the first part, our reader here, in talking about "cybersatiation", is referring to the part in that article where I talked about the fact that because I'm not on social media, women are unable to slake their curiosity about me by crawling my profiles on these sites, and have to meet up with me in person again - often ending up in my bed - if they want to know more about me... and they usually do.
As you improve with women, you will begin to reach a phase where those women begin to emotionally validate you - they start to tell you you're sexy, to compliment you, to chase after you, and it feels so good that you lose your motivation to actually take them to bed. "That girl is mine if I want her," you tell yourself... except, she isn't yours, and you didn't get her. But how do you avoid this apathy and self-satisfaction setting in, rotting away at your ambition?
The other part was a question about what you're thinking about once you're already quite good with women and you're going through a seduction. How does your brain work in this case?
The nutrients derived from foods like soda, chocolate chip cookies, and alcohol are often referred to as "empty calories." The name denotes foods that you can eat, that will make you feel full, and that will make you fat, but that do not actually nourish you, and do not give you much or anything that your body actually needs.
I've long been a fan of sweets - having a sweet tooth is something that runs in my family - and until quite recently enjoyed dessert as a regular indulgence after lunch and dinner every day. Not so much that I got fat, but I did have a little bit of belly flab that stubbornly refused to leave.
However, a study I read in August in the journal Nature Communications called "Human-relevant levels of added sugar consumption increase female mortality and lower male fitness in mice" did what 30 years of people telling me I was going to grow sickly and die were unable to accomplish:
“Consumption of added sugar has increased over recent decades and is correlated with numerous diseases. Rodent models have elucidated mechanisms of toxicity, but only at concentrations beyond typical human exposure. Here we show that comparatively low levels of added sugar consumption have substantial negative effects on mouse survival, competitive ability, and reproduction. Using Organismal Performance Assays—in which mice fed human-relevant concentrations of added sugar (25% kcal from a mixture of fructose and glucose, modeling high fructose corn syrup) and control mice compete in seminatural enclosures for territories, resources and mates—we demonstrate that fructose/glucose-fed females experience a twofold increase in mortality while fructose/glucose-fed males control 26% fewer territories and produce 25% less offspring. These findings represent the lowest level of sugar consumption shown to adversely affect mammalian health. Clinical defects of fructose/glucose-fed mice were decreased glucose clearance and increased fasting cholesterol. Our data highlight that physiological adversity can exist when clinical disruptions are minor, and suggest that Organismal Performance Assays represent a promising technique for unmasking negative effects of toxicants.”
Mice aren't humans, of course, but the male mice eating sugar in this study held a quarter less territory and were a quarter less fecund than mice that abstained. 25% is huge. Since then, I've reduced my sugar intake by about 60% - no more after-lunch dessert on weekdays, and no dessert Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday nights. I'll keep going until I'm down to no dessert at all weekdays, then knock off one of the weekend days. I can't quit entirely, at least not now, because it's still too big a part of my diet - but if it means less vitality and fecundity, it's got to go.
I was hesitant about using social media back in college, but eventually gave in and got Facebook and some other services back in 2006. I quit in 2010, however, after about a year of trying to get myself to do, when I started to realize just what social media was: empty calories for the ego.
Social media is a way of feeding your ego with empty validation from people who really don't care that much and will have forgotten the thing they commented on or liked within a day. I talked about this here: "Why to NOT Meet Girls on Facebook", and the excellent short by Mark Maron, "The Social Media Generation":
And while they're the most obvious example, social media apps and sites are not the only sources of these empty calories of ego validation; you can get them from people in real life, too.
Empty Calories for the Brain
One of the things that happens as you improve your fundamentals and become more attractive to women, and as you become more experienced with, smooth with, and confident around women in general, is that women start to really like you.
I mean, they really like you.
They start to chase after you.
They hurl compliments after you, because they aren't used to being around men who affect them the way that you do. Most of the guys they meet are so boring and ordinary... but you.
Well, you are exceptional.
And damn, doesn't that feel good?
It's a different reaction from what you're accustomed to... sure, girls used to pay you some attention and give you some compliments.
But now, geez - there's just so much more of it, and it's so much more excited.
You've made it. You've carved out a spot for yourself as a very sexy man. You are at the top of the dating market food chain... you're the top dog.
You pat yourself on the back, and think of these women as "yours."
Even though they're not yours.
You're not dating them.
You're not sleeping with them.
You're not doing any more than flirting with them and being praised by them.
But because the frequency and extremity of these positive reactions is so much more than what you've traditionally been accustomed to, it overwhelms your senses and floods you with feel-good emotions, sating your need for approval and making you feel as though "you've made it."
Despite the fact that, for all intents and purposes, all you're getting is reactions... not results.
Three Sources of False Satiation
Obviously, getting off of social media is imperative, unless you want to be just another zombie hooked up to the social media IV, drip feeding you validation and robbing you of your motivation to go out and seek it anywhere other than the Zuck's platform.
But there are less obvious sources of validation you must target too.
One of these, at some point, is female friends.
Female friends are wonderful for becoming more familiar with women, learning to empathize with women, and for showing your ever-stubborn brain that yes, women are people, too. You'll get a far more realistic peek into the hidden sides of women's private lives with your female friends than you ever will with your girlfriends, who will act as if they never do the sorts of things your female friends do (which sometimes is true, but less often than you'd think).
But as you get better and better with women, spending time with female friends becomes more and more of a time and validation sink. You could be out meeting new women... or, you could hang with your female friend who's going to tell you about her day and compliment you on how smart you are, or how driven you are, or how much fun you are, or how handsome you are - which feels great!
But doesn't get you in bed with new girls.
In fact, you feel so good that your pretty female friend likes you, that you don't even need to go out and look for new girls for at least a couple of days.
You can give yourself a few days off, pat yourself on the bat that a cutie like her digs you so hard, reassure yourself that you could have her any time you wanted her - because you and her are like this, and there's so much sexual tension between the two of you anyway - and that hunger to go out and conquer something new goes away.
Another source of validation is compliments from women you meet who are enamored with you but more as a potential friend. These girls will slather the flattery on in broad brushstrokes, because they want you to stick around. And they do genuinely like you, and do genuinely admire the things they're complimenting you on, same as your female friends do.
They just aren't all that likely to sleep with you, is all.
Why's that? The girls who are very sexually into you will rarely compliment you too liberally prior to sex. That's because they're too busy worrying about what you think about them, or whether you're going to pull the trigger and make it happen. And, if you're manly enough that they want you inside of them, they're not going to be thinking you need much help to make that happen - they're going to assume you're a man, you KNOW they want you, and you can lead them to sex.
That gives us three (3) main sources of empty ego calories:
- Social media
- Female friends
- Girls who like you but don't want to sleep with you
... which, really, at its core, boils down to girls you are just friends with... all of them.
The girls on social media slathering all those compliments on aren't your lovers, usually - they're just friends.
The female friends saying all those nice things are just friends.
The girls you just met who start complimenting you left and right almost always just want you as a friend.
Sure, it's different from the friend zone that nice guys experience - the asexual No Man's Land to which nice guys get dumped en masse to serve as platonic orbiters and validation providers to girls in perpetuity. As a sexual man, you serve a different role here: you are the man she can fantasize about sleeping with someday, without doing anything about it now and having reality not match the fantasy or not having anyone to fantasize about tomorrow.
That's a step in the right direction, but it's not exactly staining the sheets with her.
No More Drip Feed
The solution here, of course, is obvious - you've got to pull out the IV line.
Female friends you don't want to completely ax, especially if they're good friends of yours, or if you're not at the point where you're getting lots and lots of positive attention from women yet, and you could still use the confidence boost that comes from knowing that some attractive women find you attractive too.
But if your fundamentals are tight, and you know fairly well what you're doing with women, and you're realizing that all the empty ego calories you're receiving are tanking your motivation to meet and sleep with new women, you need to scale back.
How you do this is simple:
Social media: get off this. Unless you have a really good reason for being on it... which I'm betting you don't. Most people aren't able to articulate why they're on social media - I couldn't have for the four years that I was on it, other than vague statements about it helping me meet girls or reconnect with people from high school that in all honesty I never actually talked with on the network - but if you've read this article or watched the video above, you know why you're on it: emotional validation. If you want to get your validation from things like being successful in business or sleeping with pretty girls instead of from people clicking "Like" on your Facebook status, I advise you to cut the chord.
Female friends: if you have female friends who aren't providing value to your life at all, of course, give them the ax, same as you would any male friends who were or had become value suckers. If you have female friends who are really awesome people, it's still okay to see them sometime. These days, most of my female friends I only reconnect with infrequently to see how they're doing or catch up. That's part that we've drifted apart, and part that much of the value that they provided to me in the past was validation, and I no longer need or want this.
Girls you've just met: these are the most fun. You don't want to completely rule a girl out who's started complimenting you effusively on first meeting you, but whenever this happens it serves as a red warning light to me that the girl is probably not interested in having something happen now or in the near future. However, you don't know for sure until you try to move her. That's right, this one's simple enough to resolve - just start rapidly escalating things and moving them forward. Will she move with you? Sit with you? Get away from the group of people with you? Come home along with you? If yes, then, well, she's just abnormally forthcoming about her interest! If no, well, time for you to move on.
It's really about controlling your brain's access to satiating comments from women designed to ensnare you into backup or potential or "fantasy" roles for them, and keeping these comments at a minimum around you to prevent them from hacking your brain and making you feel like you've "got" a woman that you, in fact, have most certainly not got.
Our commenter's second question was about how a man experienced with women thinks about and feels toward the woman he's pursuing as he "closes in on the kill."
As it were, there are two distinct mindsets an experienced seducer can experience - and they couldn't be more different:
- Detached curiosity
- Driven, passionate certainty
Here's what each looks like.
Unless you're a very dynamic guy by nature, this is the state of mind you're in most of the time as a more experienced guy with gals when you're closing in on intimacy with a new girl.
You are detached because this is a process you've gone through any number of times before already, and you already know most of the different angles that could play out and what's likely to happen. You also don't really care a whole lot if you get this individual girl or not; you may, you may not, but if it's not her, it will be somebody else, sometime sooner or later.
You are also curious because there are still variables you account for, girls are cute and silly, and sex is fun. So, you want to see how things turn out - is it going to happen? Is she going to get all weirded out at the last minute? Is she going to suddenly remember her boyfriend and how it's okay for her to give you oral but penetration is a big no-no? Is it going to turn into a mess where you have sex with her, and then her friends start calling her wanting to know where she is, telling her they hope she's not off with that guy from the bar? What's going to happen? It's always interesting.
It's kind of like watching a sports match in a sport you really enjoy between two teams you don't care about, but the match is really good and competitive and you think you know which team is going to win, but that other team might rally and pull out an upset. You're not going to lose your shirt if one or the other team pulls out a 'W', but you're curious to know which one comes out the victor.
There's no way to get this mentality without simply having slept with enough girls that you've done it before a number of times and you know the drill and it doesn't faze you; you've got absolute abundance and know you can go out and get girls almost any time you want, and you know girls get weird right before sex happens and things can be funny and unpredictable, so even if she seems like she really likes you it isn't guaranteed to happen, and even if she seems like she's just about to leave it isn't guaranteed she won't end up in your bed screaming her lungs out for the next hour and a half.
The emotion you have after this one is, "Yeah, we just kind of hung
out, and maybe I did some stuff, and we ended up together."
Driven, Passionate Certainty
This one's one that you can induce with some effort somewhat at will; see these articles to get an idea about how to do this:
That said, most of the time you have this one kick in as an experienced seducer is when either you're:
- Drunk (sometimes), or
- It's going really well
with a girl you think is really
cute or sexy
... and the first one is probably because it makes it seem like
things are going really well a lot more often, and because the girls
become a lot cuter. So, mainly, it comes down to #2.
When you know what you're doing with women, and you hit it off with a girl you really like the looks of and enjoy interacting with, and you're leading and she's following and you're leading and she's following and the vibe is just becoming more and more sexual, you shift into driven, passionate certainty.
That's because based on all your prior experience, you know it is so incredibly, ridiculously "on" that any ego detachment from the process doesn't take place, and you just lock in and drive toward making it happen, and you can tell with absolute certainty that the girl is doing the same exact thing.
This sex is some of the most satisfying sex you can have, because it feels perfect, natural, and explosively amazing, but most guys will never have it until they're experienced enough with the process that they know with certainty when it's on and know just how to drive things forward and do all the right things at all the right moments.
The emotion you have after this one is, "I knew it was on from the
moment I looked at her / from the moment she said this / from the
moment I said that, and after that it was just getting her alone somewhere so
we could get it on."
When You're Still Learning
I wouldn't worry too much about these mindsets, although striving for a more detached mindset is always beneficial. That's because women will flip out and do strange things that you're liable to overreact to when it's do-or-die time and you're emotionally invested, leading, usually, to the demise of your seductions, but when you're calm and nonplussed, much of the time the girl will calm back down again, seeing that you're unmoved, and realizing that sex really isn't a big deal with you, and very often at that point it happens.
It's a challenge to acquire that mindset in full though, because you
need to have enough random blowup experiences where you thought you had
it and then suddenly you didn't, and enough random turnaround
experiences where it seemed like you were never going to get to sex in a
million years, and then 10 minutes later somehow the two of you were
rocking the bedposts. It will come, though - just keep racking up more
As a matter of fact, there is.
It's hard to be outcome detached when you're used to being validated as desirable all the time. It's why you see so many celebrities, sports stars, and "hot" girls blow up at even slight insults - they care so much about what people think, and get so much of their self-identity out of it, that they take it very personally when someone they want validation from comes back with slights instead.
When you're removed from all this, it actually allows you to relax a bit more about sex; you're less concerned with reputation (because you don't need to go post the results of tonight's outing on your Twitter feed, or reconcile how girls prettier than this girl think you're "sexy as hell", but she still won't get in bed with you), and more just curious to see how things turn out.
Cutting yourself off from something that you've become dependent on is difficult to do. I know; it took me a year to get off social media, and I'm going through the weaning and withdraw process again with sugar right now, and let me tell you, it sucks.
However, the benefits are not slight.
Since reducing my sugar intake, I've become the slimmest I've been since before university in 2002. I've been getting more done, and taking fewer breaks. I really DO have all that "more energy" people always talk about and I always thought was a myth. I assumed that since I'd been eating gobs and gobs of sugar my entire life, my body must have adapted by now. But in fact, I'm now more lean and energetic than I have been in a long time, and I'm only halfway there.
And cutting back on emotional validation from women you aren't sleeping with is like that too. Girls flattering you on social media to keep you around? Close your accounts.
Female friends flattering you in person to keep you around? Cut back on time with them.
Random girls you meet flattering you to make you feel better about not sleeping with them and just keeping them company or taking them on as friends and flirts? Make them move with you or cut them loose.
It's all within your power to do so. You can drop empty calories from deteriorating your body, and you can drop empty flattery from deteriorating your mojo, too.
Stop being a validation slug. If I can quit sugar - a lifetime
staple of my diet, and one of the things I've long looked forward to
most in the world - surely you can quit letting girls who aren't
sleeping with you make you feel like they're sleeping with you... can't
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