When You Think Girls are Chasing You (But You’re Still Chasing)


Note from Chase: Ross is one of our senior discussion board members, with a very steady hand and plenty of sage advice to go around for men aspiring to excel with women. Ross’s shared a few guest articles on GC before in early 2013, and Im really happy to announce he's joining the team as one of our new regular contributors. Please welcome him back to writing for the site! Without further ado, I give you Ross.


A situation that has been popping up more frequently on the discussion boards entails a scenario where guys think girls are chasing after them. These guys get frustrated, as they believe that the girl is chasing after them, yet they cannot figure out why things still aren’t working out. They’ll often point to some behavior that’s supposed to be indicative of chasing, yet this doesn’t necessarily provide insight into all of the dynamics at play between the guy and girl here.

The ever-so-popular stand-up gig that pokes fun at women for being illogical in arguments comes to mind when I think of this issue. The husband will argue with his wife using facts, only to be completely shut down by her emotionally charged response. On paper, it will look like he’s won. However, anyone viewing the event could tell you that he obviously lost.

girls are chasing you

As a result, it’s difficult for someone critiquing a guy’s interactions to tell whether he’s really winning with girls... or only paper-winning. All a forum member can do is read what people have written about their interactions with women, and form opinions and give feedback based off of that. Thus, many guys will receive positive reinforcement that they are doing a good job, even though in real life they just aren’t getting results or reaching their goals.

Today, I hope to relieve some of the issues surrounding this misinterpretation of data. It’s time for a mental model update, because the dynamic of chasing goes much deeper than the surface.


The Issue with Misinterpretation

To assume that she is chasing you... or not? That is the question. After all, we know that you should be assuming that women find you attractive, as this in turn displays confidence and charisma. However, there is a fundamental difference between chasing and attraction.

Attraction is namely something that someone can only work on outside of the approach; you’re not going to create attraction by suddenly ramping up your fundamentals to attractive levels. Unless you decide to go to a nightclub dressed poorly, then change midway through the night and wear form-fitting clothes, it just won’t happen. This is why attraction is assumed; it can’t be changed midway through an interaction, and dwelling on it will only hurt your interaction.

Chasing dynamics are quite different, as they can be worked on during interactions with women. If you’re able to correctly identify that a girl isn’t chasing after you, you won’t be confused when she goes cold or resists your advances towards the bedroom. You’re able to proactively think, “Hey – this girl isn’t chasing after me. It’d be a good idea to gather some compliance and gain investment.”

When you’ve got a clear idea on why she is resisting your advances, you can blast by this sticking point and turn things back towards the right direction. So the first step of action is to learn what these misinterpretations are, and why they occur.


How Complex is Chasing?

Chasing is a term that most men have come to understand as a result of actions that are taken by women. When the belief that the emotional dynamics of a relationship are defined by actions is held, men will start to broadly define which actions constitute the emotional response of a woman.

Here’s an example of some common actions that men will associate as chasing behavior:

  • She always starts texting conversations with you
  • She always smiles when she’s around you
  • She’s always touching you
  • She’s constantly twirling her hair

Are the following actions indicative of chasing?

It depends. Single actions by themselves are very poor indicators of the values incorporated in a relationship; especially when applied in an overarching generalization that is supposed to be indicative of all women. When you’re seeing a lot of common actions occurring, it’s pretty safe to assume that she’s chasing after you. It’s at these times it can be helpful to generalize, but generalizing will hurt you if you’re trying to figure out the issues in a specific relationship that lead to things breaking down.

But, Ross, aren’t the things in the example behaviors associated with chasing? Oftentimes, yes, but the context just isn’t there to make that decision. There’s always an exception to this rule, which is why conclusions should be taken with a grain of salt. A girl could constantly smile when around you; but maybe she does that with every guy she meets. Hell, a girl could even sleep with you without chasing.

Wait a minute. How in the world could a girl sleep with you and not be chasing you? That’s an obvious sign of attraction, right? Yes and no – attributing attraction with sex is another false parallel. A girl can sleep with you and not be attracted (if, for instance, you’re expert at setting up logistics and being the “right time, right place” guy), but this scenario is very unlikely for most newer and intermediate guys. I use this extreme to illustrate that, even in the deepest scenarios, single actions do not indicate the emotional dynamics of a relationship.

Well, then, what is the best way to objectively define chasing?

Chasing can easily be defined as a set of emotions that are experienced by an individual that cause them to pursue a variety of interactions. We’re focused on convincing those women to pursue a sexual relationship with us, thus chasing in this respect means that women are pursuing sex with you.

Because of this, chasing is defined over a period of time and through a variety of emotions. Unfortunately, with the fast nature of the window of attraction, it can be hard to determine whether or not a woman is chasing after you.


How to Figure Out if She’s Chasing You

We now know that chasing is something that is difficult to figure out in the beginning of a relationship. But, even in its infancy, there are ways to find out if she’s chasing you.

The most tangible indicator that a woman is chasing after you relies on the power dynamics of the relationship and the emotions associated with them. If she is the one who is attempting to get something from you, you are the one who is in power. Thus, if she is attempting to get something from you, she is pursuing you.

Things rarely play out like this in nature. After all, you’re attempting to have sex with a girl when you approach her; doesn’t that mean that you’re the one chasing her?

girls are chasing you

No; single actions do not indicate the emotional dynamics of your relationship. It’s quite easy to approach a woman and still have her chasing you. The approach doesn’t define anything. I can talk to a woman while pursuing a sexual relationship with her and have her chasing after that sexual relationship within seconds. Similarly, we can both be unyielding to chasing after each other and have a lot of fun because we’re both pursuing the common goal of sex and are able to maintain that emotional state where we’re not quite sure who is chasing, because frame control points and power dynamics are constantly changing.

Thus, the solution lies in understanding how she displays emotions. A direct correlation can be made between the emotions displayed by the woman and the emotional value in the relationship, which is much more reliable than using action cues to understand the emotions.

Herein lies the bulk of the issue, as a woman’s emotions are misunderstood by the man who thinks she is chasing when she really isn’t. However, since we know that the power dynamics of a relationship and the emotions involved in it dictate if a person is chasing, we can objectively understand whether or not she’s chasing right now.


Disagreements Define the Balance

There are many techniques that can be used to test whether or not a woman is chasing. You can use a transition point to gauge how excited she is in coming with you, or perhaps throw out a compliment and check her response. The great thing about these techniques is that they are something that you should already be doing with women, and now their value is amplified to help you understand the power dynamics involved. Remember that by using these techniques the focus is not on what she does. Instead, the focus is on how she does it.

Today, I’m going to share with you my favorite technique. This technique points out the status of your relationship on the spot, and it is pretty reliable in understanding where you stand in the power dynamic curve. It is also something that is quite often overlooked, but it is a big part of where most seductions go wrong: learning to disagree with women.

Disagreeing with someone is a very fast method for understanding how much they are willing to comply with your standards. Whenever a disagreement comes about, a girl has a few options: she can either comply and accept your opposing frame, or, alternatively, challenge your frame and disagree back.

Imagine this scenario that you’ll often encounter: when you’re moving quickly with a woman then she suddenly says,

Her: I don’t usually move this fast with guys. I think it makes the relationship too unstable.

Now, there are a variety of things you can do in response to this objection. You’ll often find that what you’ve said in response to her presenting this issue won’t sway her much either way, as she’s already decided whether or not she is going to continue to comply and move forward. It’s a one-on-one frame battle where the result has been preemptively decided, which gives a clear indication of who is in power. That being said, you’ve still got to make a convincing argument; you have to say something after all. Ensure that you communicate both logically and emotionally that moving quickly is a good thing, so as to cover the bases.

An example of this would be to respond as follows,

You: I understand that you usually don’t move quickly with guys. But there’s nothing more exciting than the exhilaration associated with the uncertainty of moving quickly. Without moving quickly we wouldn’t be able to experience what we’re feeling right now.

She can give you a variety of responses. Keep in mind that you need to pay attention to how she responds: is she letting you down lightly? Is she still unsure, but goes along with you because she’s chasing after those exciting feelings? Or is she stopping the interaction here? Ask yourselves these questions and stay vigilant throughout the conversation.

The good thing about disagreeing with her is that you’re going to run into it if you’re moving quickly towards the bedroom. It just makes sense to master your understanding of her responses. Most women know that they’re not supposed to move fast with men, so they put up frames and challenges to weed out those men who are weak or chasing. If she’s not putting up any of these objections, it’s pretty safe to assume she’s chasing after you.


What if She’s Not Chasing You?

After figuring out how to define whether or not she is chasing you, you’ll run into the issue of understanding how to induce the chasing mechanisms you desire. There are a variety of methods on Girls Chase that can be used to induce chasing, which I suggest you read if you’re encountering this problem:

These methods can be used to get women chasing after you to great effect. The thing is, even with these techniques you’re not going to get a specific woman chasing after you 100% of the time. Even if you realize it very early on in an interaction that you’re chasing after a woman, it can be difficult to turn around, especially if the attraction is not there.

There are also scenarios where she won’t chase after you, but there isn’t much of a reason to fret as long as you aren’t chasing after her. These days I like it when a woman doesn’t chase after me too hard, as too much chasing takes a lot of the fun out of an interaction. If I’m mindlessly walking through a seduction where everything is easy, I am not experiencing the emotions that I want to create within myself through the interaction.

girls are chasing you

I may easily be able to have sex with a girl who is chasing hard, but the sex is just so much better when that power dynamic is readily changing, and she keeps me on my feet. This is exactly why it isn’t the end of the world if she’s not chasing you; you can still move an interaction forward as long as you make sure the power dynamics do not at any point become heavily skewed in her favor, because once she has spotted chasing behavior coming from you, the bottom will drop out from underneath your value as a man for her.

This interplay between your desire and her desire, your attempts to control the chasing dynamic and her attempts to do so, can make for a very captivating experience where you’re attempting to dominate women who are attempting to dominate you, and playing you just as much as you are playing them. Seduction is a game folks; when both sides make things challenging, exciting, and fun, everyone wins... because the game never ends.

I hope that you’re able to take this advice and apply it to both your interactions with women and your review of those interactions. You’ll find that there’s going to be a lot less frustration in understanding emotions when you stop focusing on what women are doing, and instead focus on how and why they are doing it instead.

Ross

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Comments

Matt C's picture

I don't like how there isn't


I don't like how there isn't a single sentence mentioning the power of assumption, since this article and it's title are easily misunderstood and can cause anxiety in excellent seductions.

In almost all cases it's perfectly fine to assume that the girl is attracted to you. If you think she is, you tell her that. You assume that she wants you to kiss/touch/fuck her. (Of course you make sure to still get reactions so you don't do anything she doesn't want.)

I don't really see the point in this article, sorry.

Ross Leon's picture

The Difference

Author

Matt C,

Assumption is covered in the very beginning of the article under "The Issue with Misinterpretation".

You'd only botch things if you typically get anxious in the face of adversity and cannot recover correctly. Women test men all the time, which would cause anxiety in any man that cannot handle things veering ever so slightly off of his idealistic path of an excellent seduction.

PinotNoir's picture

re: I don't like how there isn't


First, I just wanted to say that it's good to see criticism on GC. I think it's healthy to disagree sometimes, just to keep the quality of articles in check.

However, in this case, I humbly disagree with you.

As far as assumptions, he linked an excellent article on assumptions, and that's not the point of this article, and I think he addressed your concerns in the article. You still want confidence, of course, but this is a tool to find out if she's chasing -- not a tool for displaying your confidence. From the article:

"To assume that she is chasing you... or not? That is the question. After all, we know that you should be assuming that women find you attractive, as this in turn displays confidence and charisma."

Since I've been in this situation before, I find this "disagree" tool to be very useful, and you don't realize unless through experience.

A girl I was dating last year was initiating texts with me FIRST. She told me that she "missed me" FIRST. Everything appeared to me that she was the Chaser and I was the Chasee. At the end of the dating cycle (breakup), it was pretty painful, and there I was holding my tail in my hands wondering what happened. When I look back on it, she really didn't go along with my disagreements; even though some of her actions painted her as the Chaser, I was in fact the Chaser. I'll definitely be using this "disagree" tool in the future to assess where I am. In fact, I find this more useful when dating or in a relationship than in the initial interaction (as illustrated in some examples). You want a sanity check.

I also really loved the list of Chaser articles all lumped together. For that, I bookmarked this.

Lastly, my only complaint is that it was almost too short. I would have loved to see a little more research or just a little more. At the end of the read, it feels like it's missing something.

Anyway, great stuff Ross. I look forward to your next reads, and I hope this comment doesn't deter you from writing more.

-PN

Flames's picture

Girls that prefer to chase


Something recently happened where a girl I'm moderately friends with when approached is appearing mildly dis-interested, time after time.

But then she approaches me and actual starts getting a bit flirty and giggly. She's does this on a regular basis.

Would I be right to be thinking that this girl actually prefer to chase me, rather than have me chase her? TBH Chasing isn't my usual way but I occasionally mix things up.

How would you say attraction is involved here?

Regards
Flames

Ross Leon's picture

Flames, Yeah, I addressed

Author

Flames,

Yeah, I addressed this mainly because girls who are flirts can easily be misunderstood as girls who are chasing you, which is usually quite far from the truth. Flirting is usually a good indicator of interest, but people who are flirts (like myself) quite often flirt with anyone and everyone. I flirt with nearly every girl I come into contact with.

The part where you say that she feels mildly dis-interested makes me think that she is mainly talking to you when she wants to. Whenever you want to talk to her she's not interested, which tells me that she's mainly using talking to people as a way to pass time, rather than a means to get you interested.

If I had to guess, you've known her for a bit and she likely has the mentality that you're just a friend. I don't think 'chasing' plays any part in this relationship, which is perfectly fine. I find the best relationships are when neither party is hopelessly chasing. But let it be known that the longer you wait, the more likely the chances are that the attraction window has passed.

- Ross

Anonymous's picture

I enjoyed this article and


I enjoyed this article and believe it is one of the single most important bridging articles to many on this site (which you have generously listed).
I also think that it is one of the hardest parts of seduction to fully understand for most guys.
The ability for women to give the illusion of chasing you is one of their most powerful weapons in friend zoning and keeping orbiters interested. Think how little energy (investment) is needed for the returns (profit) women get with this technique. Some are so good and sexually suggestive with this that you really need to apply the tools mentioned in this article to snuff them out. I have let go of many poisonous relationships with women based on this, and started many more fruitful ones!

Wish I didn't have to learn the above the hard way, good read- cheers and bravo to the author.

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