Are You Giving Her Sex or Trading for It?
In the article on using astrology with girls, 340Breeze had a solid comment with an interesting part that I’ll quote in part here (because it’s pretty long):
“Ultimately my question is: when interacting with a woman on a FIRST ‘date’ what is the BEST step by step process where the interaction with a woman ends essentially with the following proposal being issued to the woman: “I’m willing to give you A, but ONLY if you give me B?” where A = (what women value: dominance, sex and orgasms, scintillating conversation, active listening, etc) and B = (all the sex I can stand)? This proposal should be made on EVERY date, but the problem I face is, I don’t always know how to do it in a socially savvy and SMOOTH way on EVERY woman I take out. Because of this lack of finesse, I get nervous (mainly with the less sexually confident women) and hesitate, not because I’m afraid of her saying no, but because I’m afraid of my lack of finesse. This is illogical because who cares if some girl gets offended by my request, but my subconscious mind is fearful because it wants me to be as SMOOTH and subtle as possible. But at the end of the day, if she’s not giving up the vj and FAST then what’s the point in speaking to her?? I want to communicate to women that if they don’t give me sex FAST then I’m uninterested. I could just come out and say it explicitly, but maybe there’s a better way?”
There’s a core worldview here that I think is pretty important to address, because it’s one that I see a lot of guys having, particularly when they’re newer, but even plenty of intermediate and a few advanced guys, too.
That world view is the “sex as trade” world view, where the man offers the woman things she values, and in return the woman provides the man with sex.
And to be fair, this isn’t an “incorrect” way of looking at things – it’s as valid as the next perspective. There are men who use this perspective in effective, elegant, and consistent ways. However, there is another perspective, and it is one that, in my opinion, makes intimacy with women a much easier and less daunting thing to pursue and get.
This perspective is not thinking of sex as something you receive from a woman in exchange for things you give her, but rather, something that you give her... in exchange for her meeting your requirements.
Giver or Trader
I divide people’s overall interpersonal interaction styles into “giving” and “trading”, and have for years. The breakdown is as follows:
Giving is granting someone a gift, favor, benefit, or boon with no expectations of receiving something back. It’s a prosocial strategy, and one stemming from a belief that by giving others good things, you are creating allies, building foundations, and investing in a positive long-term outlook for yourself
Trading, or transactional, is granting someone a gift, favor, benefit, or boon with expectations of immediate return. It’s a transactional strategy, focused principally on acquiring objects or achieving ends, with little to no concern given to the construction and maintenance of a long-term relationship with the other party involved
Most people use giving strategies with those they’re close with (good friends, family, partners in a relationship, other trusted people), while reserving trading strategies for strangers, acquaintances, and others they’re interacting with in one-off transactions they won’t see again.
Extremely prosocial individuals employ giving with everyone, even pushy salespeople; extremely antisocial individuals employs trading with everyone, even close friends and family members. This leads to extremely prosocial individuals often getting taken advantage of by unscrupulous strangers and acquaintances, and it also leads to extremely antisocial individuals taking advantage of close friends and family, and burning bridges with them.
Assuming you are at neither of the extreme ends of prosocial or antisocial behavior, though, your normal way of interacting with others is going to tend to be giving with those you know well and want to know well, and trading with those you don’t.
The challenge with new women you’re meeting, of course, is that trading is quite normally a high-tension, adversarial style of interaction, and women rarely feel comfortable disrobing and lying in their most exposed positions in front of men they’re engaged in high-tension, adversarial interactions with.
So how do you solve this?
It’s very possible for you to approach fast sex from a transactional perspective and get it consistently. Advanced trading strategies involve a man advertising himself very openly as a top shelf sex partner, and offering to trade good times for good times. If a man’s style is sufficiently well-constructed and fluid, there’s very little adversarial tension built up between women and him, and by being very clear about what he’s out for early into his interactions, he screens out the women who won’t be that open to what he has on offer and screens in the ones who will be.
Getting good at transactional sex exchanges is harder to learn than the alternative. It’s a high form of finesse game; it’s like being a great salesman. You’ve got to be able to sell the customer, without the customer feeling like you’re selling to her.
I won’t spend too much time talking about it here because the purpose of this article is to show you an easier perspective to get good with women with, but I do want to go out of my way to point out that this is neither a wrong approach, nor an ineffective one – in fact, for short-term sex, a well-oiled trading strategy is generally going to be faster, cleaner, more efficient, and often do a better job at setting the appropriate expectations (that is, that this is a one-off deal) without the extra footwork a giving strategy requires to do the same.
However, when you’re still learning, trading is a more difficult path to success, and by starting with this (rather than learning it later on down the line), you can often be shortchanging yourself some early results – and momentum.
The alternative to trading is giving. When following a giving strategy, you don’t seek to find a woman who wants to engage in an equal trade with you for sex (or anything else); rather, you look for a woman whom you deem worthy to bestow the gift of your sex upon.
If you’re thinking you’d have to have an ego the size of a house and/or be totally delusional to see your sex as a “gift” to give to deserving women, don’t worry. That’s a pretty common first reaction to hearing this advice. When I first came across it some 8 years ago, I immediately thought, “That sounds awesome, but how on Earth am I really going to believe that?”
Let’s talk about the mentality itself first, and how you can get it second.
Actually having this mentality, you view your sex as an incredible, orgasmic, life affirming experience for a woman. When you enter into a woman’s life, it is to pluck her from the doldrums and mediocrity and ordinariness that is her day-in and day-out existence, and pull her into your world of excitement, intrigue, adventure, and infinite possibility... even if only for a night. And sexual intercourse is the ultimate culmination of the build up of this transition into your world for her; you end a breathtaking adventure into your world for her by entering her and putting all that excitement and intrigue and mystery into her through good, passionate, satisfying sex.
You will do it because you love women, and you view a beautiful woman living an uninspiring and ordinary life as one of the deepest tragedies the world knows, and you derive great joy from being able to lift a girl up out of her gray world and into your one alive with vibrant colors. And even when you have to set her back down into her world the next day and go on your way, you will leave her with a little more color in her world, and some idea about how to discover more.
This is how I genuinely view the sex that I give to women (though I certainly didn’t always); I see it as a great gift I give to women who are deserving of it, and I feel sad for the girl who does not get to experience it if things do not work out, viewing her as someone still lost in the confusing, gray maze that is her life, and whom I failed to reach and impact.
When you value your sex this highly, and view what you are doing for women simply by interacting with them and progressing things forward with them this way, it gets very easy to convey to women a level of dominance, attractiveness, and raw power it’s difficult to any other way.
Which, in turn, amplifies attraction – and close rates – a ton.
But Isn’t that Egotistical?
Well, I suppose it is!
And that’s a good thing, because, as we discussed in “A Devil May Care Attitude: What It Is & How to Get It”, pride is the single most attractive expression a man can have. Women love pride; not the kind of fake pride they show you in the movies, where some guy is trying to fool himself and others into believing he’s something he isn’t, and he looks tryhard and ridiculous, but actual, real pride... where a man is just solid, poised, and constantly looking like he knows something nobody else does.
Women may tell you they want to be treated “like equals”, but they’re talking about the treatment they want at school, in the workplace, in organizations, and from a legal rights perspective.
On dates and in the bedroom? They want male authority figures.
And there is little that sets you up as an authority figure quite like sitting with a woman and speaking and smiling with her in a way that communicates to her in crystal clear terms that you find her sweet, endearing, cute, and will give her something she will tremendously value... and yet that there is nothing she has or can do for you that you much need.
You are purely the giver, not the receiver. You are doing her a boon.
This “being able to give without needing anything of her” is very attractive to women, and they can positively smell it on you – because your behavior with them is very different from that of the man who is looking to trade (other than those men who are very skilled with this style).
Is She Worthy
The main component of the giving approach to sex is deep screening to find out whether a woman is someone “worthy” of having you bestow your gifts on her. This is very important – far more important for a giving approach than a transactional one – because how easily or not you give away your “gift” determines how valuable that gift appears to be.
If it seems like you give away the gift of your attention and sex to any girl who stumbles into you, it’s not really a “gift” at all – it’s more like the cheap handout some street hawker is trying to force on passersby – nobody values it, and nobody wants it either.
That’s why deep diving is so important for this interaction style. You can do without it if you’re running a transactional pickup – that’s one where it’s more or less just two people feeling each other up to see if they want to trade sex. When you find yourself in those situations, or with girls who are in a very transactional mindset, going giving can actually wreck your chances – where that’s the case, you want to set too much rapport aside, lest you come across as someone uninterested in cutting a deal.
The rest of the time though, you benefit much from good, probing, insightful rapport.
Being a giver of sex, rather than a trader of it, is especially necessary if your fundamentals aren’t on lock quite yet, or you don’t have other glaring attractiveness advantages (very good looking, lots of money to throw around conspicuously, preselection spilling out of your pants) to make up for said lack of fundamentals. In a situation in which a woman may not be willing to trade you for fast sex, she may very will still accept sex from you – provided it feels like an exclusive enough gift, and provided she feels like she’s getting it because she really has earned it.
A Gift Worth Giving
In addition to screening, you make your gift more worth giving (and more worth being received) by using the other things on this site to make yourself more attractive and dial up her desire for sex from you – things like Byronic personality traits, intrigue, emotional cresting, and chase framing.
When you position yourself as sufficiently challenging, to the point where you are just within a girl’s reach, while simultaneously screening her hard, qualifying her well, eliciting her values, and ultimately allowing her to win you over, all while not seeming actively to want something from her, she will begin to feel as though she has worked very hard to earn the thing you want to give her.
She’ll feel like she deserves that thing you want to give her... that she has it coming.
That thing, of course, is an incredible night – one that will be wonderful for her life.
When you take this mindset, your outlook on sex shifts – instead of looking for a woman who will give you sex, then feeling frustrated when you cannot find one (because you want/need something, and cannot get it), you instead look for a woman to whom you can give the gift of sex – a woman who is worthy of it, who passes your screens and meets your standards, and who is not so uptight or set on capturing you as a friend or a boyfriend that she cannot allow herself to accept this generous gift.
The emotion you feel when you do not find such a woman is sadness, that so many women must make do without the life and color you can bring into their worlds, and then you continue looking for women who are worthy of and ready for receiving you into their bedrooms and lives.
“God’s Gift to Women”
As a side note, this mentality is the basis of the “God’s gift to women” phrase you hear tossed about sometimes.
“There goes Jim... he thinks he’s just God’s gift to women.”
When you have this mentality, and adopt the giving mindset toward sleeping with girls, you come to have exactly that “God’s gift to women” belief.
But despite the ego/pride of it, it is not some sort of belief in yourself as superior to, or above the other men out there, or the women you go to bed with. Rather, it’s a very healthy, strong belief in YOUR value as a man, and what YOU offer to women.
As for how you get it – it’s part conditioning your mind to think this way (visualization helps), and part upgrading your ability to give pleasure and witnessing the pleasure you bring to women’s lives, in terms of inspiration, bonding and listening, and really good, sheet-soaking intimacy. Once you have trained yourself to think this way, and you’ve actually seen it, in the women you’ve been with, again and again, it’s hard not to just think this way all the time... sort of like how the business consultant who keeps stacking up cost savings for his clients pretty quickly comes to view himself as some kind of cost saving guru, just because, well, that’s what he is.
My advice on adopting this mindset is to focus not on what you can trade women for sex, but instead just on providing the most incredible, magical, memorable experience you can for the women you meet, filled with hope, connection, and plenty of orgasms. The more focused you are on the woman’s experience, the less affected by any specific outcome you become, and the more likely you are to actually get that outcome.
See yourself as a servant of women’s sexual needs – because I assure you, most of the other men out there aren’t doing so fine a job (see: “A Study of Sex Duration in America” – the average duration is about 3 minutes). That means there’s a tremendous amount of unmet need among the women of the world – might you be one of the select men suited to help fill it?
Give of your emotion and sensuality and sexuality to the women
around you, and you will find an easier path toward having those gifts
accepted than you will most of the time by looking to trade them. We
are skeptical with those who wish to trade us, and spend much time
haggling and negotiating; but with those who want to give us a gift,
provided the gift seems sufficiently exclusive and feels like something
we’ve earned, we don’t bother to question why they want to give it to
us, or haggle on price or terms – we just accept it with a smile, and
thank them for the gift.
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