A reader writes in:
“Hey Girls Chase, I'm finding these articles to be quite eye opening. You guys seem to really get what's happening as opposed to other people out there who try to help guys with this stuff.
I think I'll finally be able to put myself together for a social life with your guidance.
I have a question. I haven't left my family's house, and I'm 27 years old. I have spent a long time in my life struggling with my own self-image and trying to figure out what it takes to have a life where I'm respecting myself. I said I'd be brief. So I'll just get right to it.
Is it possible for me to be attractive to women and get a social life? I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want to know how I should feel about my circumstances. I've always been shunned in school growing up and don't really have a deep positive impression of human beings. I've only ever had one girlfriend and long story short she was ugly and entitled. I know how to be civil and polite. I know how to feel happy, I can empathize with other people, but I don't know how to make people want to be a part of my life. Thankfully, there's more to me than this sob story.
I've been working out and reading a lot of this type of stuff and it's been helping me to be better noticed and better treated by members of the opposite sex. I'm determined to change my life but the girls are looking at me NOW. I'm about more than just “nothing”. Isn't there a way I can dive into sex and relationships?
Does me currently living with my mother and father automatically disqualify me from using the stuff I learn on your website on women and possibly experience the benefits? I've seen some SEXY women eyeing me and drawing close and the battle in my head is always the same. “You don't know what to tell her.” So I say to myself, “I'll learn” but then my head pull out the ol' “mama's boy still lives with his mama and daddy”.
Does it matter? If it does, how much does it matter? I have a feeling I'll find the answer to that soon enough as I read. I tried looking on your site for an article about this and the search turned up empty. So why not tell me what you think? If I still live with my parents will it get in the way of hooking up with or starting something regular with a girl I'd really like?
Thanks for your help
Sounds very familiar.
This is something that I ran into quite often in the past. I thought it’d always be a good idea to put off doing things until later. I’d learn how to get better with women later on. I’d wait until I finally got to the point where I felt “sexy” enough to start approaching women. I’d put off improving my fundamentals so that I could fix something else in my life.
Eventually, I ended up becoming a huge procrastinator, and only ended up working on those things when I finally got so fed up with myself that I had to do something to dull the pain of failure.
It all started with excuses popping into my head, saying that I’d be better off doing things later. But, like most things that I put off until later, they just never got done. I never became better at seduction simply by thinking to myself, “I’ll do it later”. I only got better when I took action.
The Solution That Never Is…
Telling yourself that you’ll wait until later to do things is the solution that never solves anything. Like most negativity in your life, procrastination is a ruminative cycle that leads you absolutely nowhere.
You see, when you wait until “later” to do something, the action still hasn’t taken place. There are times in your life where timing is pivotal to a goal, but it should be pretty obvious that your excuse is justified. Most of the time, telling yourself that you’ll do something later indicates that you’re just not willing to accept failure. However, there are some situations where you’re going to wait, because waiting is the best course of action.
For example, waiting for your leg to heal before you run again is a justified wait. The wait doesn’t come from fear of failure or laziness. Your lack of action is actually bringing you closer to your goal.
Thus, some clarification is needed before we proceed. I’m not telling you that action is the only way to proceed in life. Instead, your focus should be on working towards your goal. Action by itself doesn’t guarantee that you’ll succeed.
In Jonathan’s situation, his lack of action is clearly not working towards his goal. You’re never going to get better at approaching women by telling yourself that you’ll work on it later; that is the result of a mix of fear, laziness, and the inability to escape the negative cycle you have been caught up in.
It’s really easy for me to simply say: “Just start working towards your goal”, but I know that even if you’re armed to the teeth with knowledge, a negative mindset will severely inhibit your progress. When action eludes you, it’s not because you don’t know that you’re supposed to act – that’s a given. Instead, inaction is almost always a result of fear and a lack of focus on the present.
The first issue that needs to be cleared up before you even think about acting is fear.
Tell me if any of these excuses sound familiar:
I’d love to go out and approach women, but I’m scared of being rejected.
I want to approach women, but I’m afraid of my friends judging me.
I can’t approach women, they’ll never be attracted to a man who lives at home with his parents.
They’re all recantations of the same thing. You can’t do ABC because you’re afraid of XYZ.
But, where exactly does this fear come from? Within.
The thought of rejection will bring pain upon you because you believe that rejection is a bad thing. The thought of your friends judging you brings pain upon you because you believe that your social status, which you prize, will be compromised. The thought that a woman won’t be attracted to a man who lives at home with his parents is because you believe that a man who lives at home with his parents is not attractive.
The lines are blurred. You’re reflecting your own beliefs onto others. In reality, rejection sucks for a little bit, but as long as you stay active you won’t ruminate on the subject. In reality, you can shut down your friends’ negative judgments. In reality, all of these things can be evaded as long as you are willing to work towards your goal.
You Must Move Past Fear
In order to move past the fear, you must eliminate it.
Back when I was a freshman in high school I decided to try out for the football (soccer) team. My confidence levels were high, as I truly believed that I would make the team from the beginning. However, during the tryouts the captains ended up choosing their own teams for a scrimmage and I was picked dead last.
Understandably, I was mad, and played like hell. I made the team, but doubt followed me on the pitch from that day forward. I became a scared player, because I was constantly afraid that I’d make a wrong move and be kicked off the team.
Thus, instead of working towards becoming the best player I could become, I was simply trying to hang on for dear life and not get cut from the team. I became afraid of making any mistakes, so I always made low-risk, low-reward plays. Understandably, I didn’t get on the team the next year and was brought to new mental lows.
This was obviously not a good mindset to have, because I couldn’t make progress. In reality, taking chances in games and trying to stand out would have helped me learn how to become a better player and kept me on the team. I may be scolded then for my actions, but in the end I would be a better, more experienced player, and would gain the skill necessary to stay on the team, which is what my coaches really wanted. No matter what, I would gain a lot and lose a little from taking chances.
Learning to pick-up women is similar to this scenario; it’s always a win-win situation. For example:
If you go out and approach a girl, the worst you can do is fail, learn from that failure, and make progress.
If you go out and get a haircut, but it ends up being one that you don’t like, you’re still making progress because you’ve found a haircut that you don’t like.
If you take a girl home and she finds out you still live with your parents, and she freaks out, you’ve learned that it does in fact matter, and you may need to think about moving out (or, alternatively, you’ll be forced to figure out how to deal with that objection and still sleep with her anyway).
Failure should not be feared in a journey that is about learning, because failure is still progress. Think of what the oft-quoted Thomas Edison had to say about learning about light bulbs: “I have not failed. I've just found 10000 ways that won't work.” He is precisely right, as without such trial and error progress would not have been made. Instead, he’d be off worrying that he may create something horrible if he did the wrong thing, and eternally be stuck in the negative ruminative cycle that leads nowhere.
As you can see, fear is nothing but a negative cycle. However, even with fear and its excuses out of the way, there is still a roadblock: procrastination.
Eliminate Procrastination: Act Now
Procrastination is the bane of all. You wish you could act now, but the actual act eludes you. You’d rather be locked into watching a movie, or catching up on a television series.
Procrastination comes from a place of complacency. When complacent, you don’t need to work towards your action, thus you don’t act. Edison wasn’t complacent with not being rich and powerful, which sparked him to invent things worth selling to people.
If you’re reading this website, I’d imagine that you really want to get better with women. But, the reality is, you may still be having difficulty on focusing on the one thing that matters: the present.
The past cannot be changed. The future is speculation. The present is the time in which everything happens, and the only thing you can have a measurable impact on is right now.
If you are too focused on the past or the future, nothing will happen, because those moments in time do not carry any weight in action. Putting things off until later is the plan that never works, because you are completely unsure of what will happen in the future.
A year from now the world could end. Ten seconds from now you could need to go to the hospital. Things in the future are out of our control and bring no satisfaction. The only thing that you can do to change your current state of mind is take action the moment that the thought comes up in your mind, otherwise you will be stuck in a repetitive mindset.
Think of it as hunger. If you’re hungry, you know you need to eat, but are you going to eat later to quench that hunger? Of course not; the only way to fix the problem is to eat food now, otherwise it will persist.
Similarly, think of your current skill level with women. You may not be satisfied with it, and thus you seek that satisfaction. Are you going to procrastinate, wait, and only act on your urge in the uncertain future? That will only prolong your lack of satisfaction, not be a result of it. The answer is to take the only thing given to you, the present, and use that time to get better with women.
As I’ve stated, I used to be a huge procrastinator. I moved past it by setting myself up to the task of doing things the instant that I thought of them. This largely eliminated procrastination from my life, because instead of focusing on what I was putting off, I was focusing on what I was going to do.
This is the challenge that I pass on to anyone reading this. Whenever you think that you need to do something, do it. At any time of the day, ensure that you are focusing on the actions that you are taking, rather than the ones that you are putting off.
Some examples of this are:
Instead of focusing on all the actions that I was putting off late at night, I’d focus on falling asleep.
During the day, when I’d think about working out, I’d immediately organize my day around doing it, rather than ruminate on how I’ve been putting it off.
When I’d get back from my classes and think about how I’d been putting off approaching women, I’d immediately turn around and head back out the door so that I could approach women.
These scenarios can sound a bit silly to the passerby, but if you take the challenge you’ll quickly notice that you spend a lot less time ruminating about your lack of activity, and instead you will be focusing on what you are actively doing right now.
When All Else Fails… Do It Anyways
When everything else fails, only one option remains. Take action anyways. No excuses, just action.
Without action you’ll never make progress. You’ll never achieve all that you desire. Action is the only way to get those things you desire in this magnificent, random world of ours. Every moment spent waiting is another moment that you wish you could call your starting point; that point in your life where you can look back and say, “That was the day I started. And I’m sure glad I did.”
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