Dale Carnegie's Most Life-Changing Piece of Advice | Girls Chase

Dale Carnegie's Most Life-Changing Piece of Advice

A little while back, when I was in my early 20s, I first read Dale Carnegie’s perennial bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People. Many of the approaches described within it were things I knew, or affirmed what I felt, but sometimes the best kind of advice is this way; you think you’re doing things right, and then someone far more experienced than you comes along and says, “Yep, you’ve got it. In fact, take what you’re doing now and do it more.”

dale carnegie

Because it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve read it, most of its lessons have faded from my mind, and all I remember about it was one key lesson from it. However, that lesson has influenced how I’ve dealt with people in such a profound way that I don’t think I’ll ever forget it no matter how much time passes.

[edit: was rolling Napoleon Hill’s Laws of Success up as one of Carnegie’s works... forgive the brain fart]

Yet, pound-for-pound, the key takeaway from Win Friends and Influence People for me has been one of the best takeaways from any book I’ve yet read period.

Before I tell you what that is, let me tell you what I’ve noticed about how most people communicate with one another.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

GET CHASE’S MASTERY PACKAGE

Get Your FREE eBook on Texting Girls

how to text girls pdf

Sign up for our email insights series and get a copy of our popular ebook "How to Text Girls" FREE. Learn more ...

Related Articles from GirlsChase.com

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Great article as always, I've been trying to find a reference to The Laws of Success, do you have a link you could share?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

You mean sort of a Cliff's Notes version? I'm afraid I don't know any of these - I have it on audio, and give it a listen every so often when I feel I could use a refresher. But it's a pretty popular book - I'm sure there are student or teacher notes on it out there if you search.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Before I read any further... the "Law of Success" is by Napoleon Hill, not Carnegie. I know because you recommended it to us! Was a great book indeed. Ok now back to the article...

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Thanks Anon. I perpetually get the two men confused... no idea why. Misattributing one man's book to another man's name has been something I've done time and again with those two. Cheers for pointing that one out soon after this hit the presses! All fixed now.

Chase

Sam2's picture

Chase,

It is really fascinating how simple ideas like understanding one another can be so difficult to be implemented in every-day life interactions. Great article!

Is it, however, possible that you deep dive, understand, and empathise with a girl and yet fail to come to favourable terms with her in the end? Especially during the initial stages of meeting her let's say you deep dive her and you see she wants a boyfriend and you want just sex; how does understanding her needs (i.e. she wants boyfriend) help you get what you want?

To put in other terms, is it possile that deep dive is not a way to proselytise her to your own desires, but merely a screening tool that allows you to know which girls want the same as you? You can't possibly give every girl you meet boyfriendship, just because you understood it is what she wants from you, nor is it possible to lure every girl towards a passionate one night stand with you and lead her to abandon her own desires (i.e. boyfriendship), can you?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

Sure, it's possible; it's more likely when your fundamentals are still rough around the edges, or you've fumbled the ball somewhere earlier in the interaction and made her stop seeing you as a potential lover.

Most women willing to consider you as a boyfriend would also be willing to consider you as a lover if you kicked things off right with them and not made mistakes, but getting good with girls is somewhat a process of learning how to kick things off right and not make a mistake that sinks you.

So, you'll certainly have interactions where it's clear the only thing you want from her is a fling and it's clear the only thing she wants from you is MAYBE a relationship (or maybe just friends).

If she DEFINITELY wants you as a boyfriend you'll have wiggle room, because she likes you a lot and may compromise on her stance if it's going to advance her overall goal; if she only kinda sorta wants that from you though, and isn't interested in you sexually, deep diving might help you find out more about her as a person but it probably isn't going to make her change her mind.

Chase

xIRONCROSSx's picture

Hey Chase,
Great message you're sending here. Curious if you've ever read any of Dr. John Gray's stuff such as Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus , but this is the same style of communication discussed throughout Dr. Gray's book as well.

One thought I've had around this style of communication is in approaches and speaking to women in general. I feel like employing this all of the time (very empathetic) will cause instant friend zone in many situations because it may lead to becoming an 'emotional tampon' in a sense.

Would you say that this style of communication--deep diving to truly understand root beliefs, the hows and whys of what people think (aka the girl you are talking to) --should be like a switch to be turned on/off at different times? Or is this a style that you encourage throughout all of your interactions?

On a different note,
You and the GC team post some fantastic articles on here man! I want to make a special note about the start of this particular article:


Many of the approaches described within it were things I knew, or affirmed what I felt, but sometimes the best kind of advice is this way; you think you’re doing things right, and then someone far more experienced than you comes along and says, “Yep, you’ve got it. In fact, take what you’re doing now and do it more.”

I think this hammers straight home with a lot of guys who are (like myself) still finding ourselves flailing at times and need a little reassurance that we aren't always doing things completely wrong...a bit of encouragement never hurt anyone right?

You and your team's articles greatly reinforce this "Yep you've got it" message, which is something everyone needs, even the manliest of men. You guys give us a much needed light to help guide us on, not only our relationship paths, but our paths in life as well.

Keep up the great work!

-M

Author
Chase Amante's picture

M-

Glad to hear it on the reassurance! I think if you have a half-decent social awareness, a lot of this stuff you know at SOME level, but mixed messages from media, the people around you, second-guessing yourself because of inexperience and not enough past results to know for sure whether a thing works or not, etc., cloud your confidence in these. Much of upgrading yourself socially is pushing the cloud away.

Re: John Gray - can't say I have read any of his stuff, no. I've certainly heard of it though... Men are from Mars was all over the airwaves for quite a long time when it first came out!

On when to use this - yes, definitely turn it on for negotiations, but not other places. Normal conversation should be a mixture of small talk, getting-to-know-you stuff, and banter or flirting, depending on who it is, what your objective is, and how well/long you've known the person. Doing this ALL the time will just make you sound wonky and over-analytical ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, has a similar take on this:

Seek first to understand then to be understood.
Think win-win.

I've of course listed only 2 of the 7 Habits he epouses in his book. The great avatars of history invariably arrive at similar conclusions that Carnegie and Amante did.

Anonymous's picture

Chase, I just want you to know how appreciated this article is, I too have read HTWF&IP and it's a great read.

This article has really cleared up how effective this is and made it super easy to understand.

Funnily enough I could have done with reading this article about 3 hours ago. Thankfully though I have learnt enough to do a pretty good job and did pretty much what this article says just not quite as eloquently as I would have done had I just read this :)

More articles like this please, anything that helps in all aspects of life and makes us attract and KEEP more attractive people into our lives is highly welcomed (one thing I love about this site is it's not purely for beginners like most seem to be aimed toward).

Using this as an opportunity to put my site out there while I'm here, hope you don't mind.
http://www.ideabubbles.wordpress.co.uk
(It's a collection of my thoughts and ideas on all things like; football, politics and business.)

Anonymous's picture

what you've implemented as a scenario conversation is fantastic.

well-written although i think theres lots more to carnegie's book

tommy321's picture

Chase ,how do you continue on your path to success
when you face small failures? In my case, it is cold approach.
I know for sure that at start it will be hard and eventually get better with
time but seriously....at times I do feel like just giving up and think that I will
never get good. Any techniques on how to keep going in front and really reach success in spite of the small failures?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tommy-

See this article - sounds like it's just what you need: "Dealing with Failure: An Important Learning Tool."

Chase

hrkwm's picture

Chase,my friend, I am facing a problem.
You see, in my family and the society I live in,
when you don't marry you are perceived as someone who turned bad.
I am afraid of deceiving my family by not marrying. Elders told me
that other young people like me didn't marry and ended up regretting it
during the rest of their lives. What should I do? If I do not marry, will
I regret it or not?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hr-

I'm afraid I can't really be much help here - I don't know what culture you're in, what it's like there, how old you are, whether you plan to marry later, what your reasons are for not marrying, etc.

I can say however that of my friends from marriage cultures, many of them used to be hounded by elders to marry even when they were quite young (a Chinese friend of mine had his grandmother hounding him at 23, telling him that when SHE was 23, she already had two children!), and put it off for a while but eventually married anyway.

Chances are, unless you're pushing 50 and not among the exceptional men we discussed in "Attracting and Dating Younger Women", there's not really a huge rush and you will find a girl you want when you want her.

In my experience, most young men are certain they will never marry, only for them to end up mostly all married somewhere between 30 and 45 anyway.

Chase

Moon's picture

That hit the spot. that's exactly what i've been reading a while now in a negotiation book "getting to yes", by the way one of the greatest books I have red.
There's another book which advocate the same, but in a more spiritual way "The 4 agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Chase, I have a suggestion that might inspire you for some future article : "how the philosophy of "don't take anything personally" can help in advancing in social life and seduction".

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Thanks Moon - great recommendations, and great topic suggestion. I'll add it to the queue.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase this is a great article. Could you do an article about how to handle power struggles in friendships? I find it really has to do with investment. For example, my friend wants me to meet him somewhere, but I want him to meet me. Its like five minutes away, but its a power struggle thing. I get really annoyed when people do this because I'd like to have friends who don't try to make things a competition like this. But I also have learned from this site that everyone is like this. Can you help me out?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I could probably do one on power struggles in general - it's the same whether it's a friend, a family member, a romantic partner, etc. All the same cause - someone thinks you hold the upper hand, but doesn't respect you enough to believe you should continue to hold it instead of them holding it.

Ricardus and Eric each have articles up on this phenomenon already here though - worth reads: "Relationship Control and Female Domination" & "How to Power Shift with Social Cunning and Savvy."

Chase

The M's picture

Hi Chase,

Thanks for this article - I haven't read the book, but it's nice to see your favorite part expounded upon here.

I was wondering what you do when two other people are having this kind of impasse in their argument and the outcome affects you. Do you try to mediate? Try to get them to follow Carnegie's advice? Try to lead them?

Also, in your example with your girlfriend, she said, "It's fine. I just...", but then it felt like that part never got resolved, and her "That might be it" at the end didn't seem very definitive. So that ending didn't quite click with me, but obviously her non-verbals, etc. could have been saying something completely different, so I wanted to know if I was missing something there.

Thanks!

Best,
The M

Author
Chase Amante's picture

M-

I've spent a lot of time playing peacemaker, and the conclusion I ultimately came to is that you do NOT get involved in other people's arguments. Let them bash each other to death, and after it's all said and done once you're one-on-one with one of them you can provide some reflection and point out errors in their logic you noticed, but don't get in the middle of something. All that ends up happening is you delay their explosion, thereby making it a stronger one later.

On the dialogue - you're right; I was a bit too hasty in writing this one up!

If a girl's saying, "I just..." and trailing off, you want to tackle that one and pull it out of her: "No, wait - just what? Just what? I'm not a mind reader, you have to tell me. If you don't tell me, it doesn't get resolved. If you don't tell me, you're just going to bring it up again later and we'll fight about it then," and just keep throwing reasons at her until she tells you - at that point, you're free to bring it to resolution.

Chase

Bolt's picture

You know, I left a comment in regards to Carnegie on your April 1st post. I don't know if you saw it or if something else triggered this article, but anyways, great stuff; this is definitely one of your best. You know, I'm still confused about how to use Carnegie's principles in an interview where the interviewer is usually in control of the conversation. If you never get to this comment or the last one doesn't matter, still an excellent and much appreciated post! Really glad I found this site, peace.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Bolt-

Hmm, I might've missed that one on the April 1st piece. On interviews... hard for me to say. I've spent much more time as interviewer than I have as interviewee, so I can't really say, "Here's how I ace interviews," very honestly, because while I have aced a few, I've also mucked up a bunch more.

I can say that as interviewer, when an interviewee clearly tries to take the power away from you, they basically lose any chance of you hiring them because it's just a complete turn off (or at least that's my reaction... it's "Okay, obviously this person has no respect for me as a superior, which means our entire course of working together would be one long, continuous, extremely pointless and petty power struggle - no thanks").

Maybe the best way I can think of is if an interviewee sat and patiently answered all my questions as interviewer, then used his chance to ask his own questions as an opportunity to find out a lot about the organization and then stitch that back to his qualities and present how great a fit he is. The (relatively few) times I succeeded as an interviewee I did something like this, or else had already done a lot of homework on the company and my answers to my interviewers' questions already incorporated this - I'd answer by saying, "Well, one of the things COMPANY X focuses on in its mission statement is Y VALUE, and this is a big one for me too - I..." e.g., try to educate the interviewer on the company's own values and operations with your answer, while tying yourself in, and you're a shoe-in.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

great article. i especially appreciate how you added a disclaimer regarding personalities this would not work on. i find that many people don't try to or care to understand my pov. it's like the situation when you're talking to your parents and nothing you say will ever register with them. i will make the effort to understand them and explain myself but after thinking they've empathized with me i find out everything i've said basically went in one ear and out the other. in these cases it's almost like you can skip the explaining of your own values because they don't care anyway. but i digress...

i've been talking to a lot of customer service reps/managers lately, and in these situations, there usually isn't anything I can offer them. it's usually i want this or i deserve this because you guys screwed up, after pointing out how I understand that mistakes happen or what not of course. what can we do in situations where an exchange of value isn't practical or the servicer isn't interested in providing good service? or a simple situation when you want someone to do a favor for you?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Yeah, no fun when what you're saying is in one ear and out the other. Much of the time that's a sign you need to tweak your communication, but sometimes there really just isn't anything you can do because the other person just doesn't see you as someone they need to listen to at all and isn't going to open up enough to you to let you change that perspective for them.

Customer service reps the best thing to start off with usually is something along the lines of, "Hey, I really love PRODUCT X and have had an amazing experience with it so far. I'm having an issue with XYZ thing - can you help me? How can we straighten this out?"

When someone feels like you're excited about what they offer and find value in what they do and offer, they'll tend to feel like you and they are on the same "team", and will want to bend over backward to help you.

When you approach it like most people do, which is with either a, "Hey, you guys messed up and now you need to fix this," attitude that makes the rep go on the defensive and become combative, or a, "Hello... I'm just a random person, can you help me?" attitude that make the rep feel like this is just another person asking for a handout of time and support, you'll either get a fight (with the former) or the bare minimum of support (with the latter).

So, err on the side of showing solidarity with the business first and communicating that you're a big fan, then ask for what you need after.

Chase

Sajid's picture

Dear Chase,

Really good advise by Mr. Carnegie and thank you for bringing it to us. In your article you wrote this regarding dealing with cluster-b women: "really the only thing you can do is lure them in with things they want or bludgeon them into accepting your frames". Can you please elaborate this with some situational examples (perhaps you can use same girl in this article as an example) ?

Regards
Sajid

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sajid-

This is a good reference on this: "Dating Narcissistic and Egotistical Women."

Using the girl in the article as an example, if she's cluster B and she suspects you of something, you can spend all day and night explaining yourself to her until you're blue in the face and she still won't buy it, so it isn't worth trying. What you do with these girls is just lay out straight boundaries, like, "Okay, look: I really like you, but I need to be able to see my friends too and if you try to cut me off from them this relationship's going to reach its terminus pretty fast." Essentially what you do there is tap into their paranoia: what's the bigger fear, that you're cheating or that they're going to corner you into a breakup with their actions? Usually it's the latter, and they'll back down and put a lid on it.

The simplest way of putting it is that you just have hard rules, and rather than try to understand a low empathy person and get her to see your side, you just explain things to her once - extremely briefly - then assume she's not going to believe you anyway and just let her know how it's going to be. She can take it or leave it; if she's otherwise happy with the relationship she will always take it.

Chase

Sajid's picture

I appreciate your reply Chase. Thank you very much.

Regards,
Sajid

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase,
This site has certainly helped me leaps and bounds. Nowadays i always find myself chatting with hot and beautiful girls without me even realising it. But there is a sticking point rather a glich and am sure its one of the biggest sticking points for most beginners. It is when to make a move. Which situations are a go go and which are not. Is it about timing . What are the things you talk about just prior or how do you get to a state of making a move without being overtly obvious?How to close in the proximity ? Because afterall making a move is the final key right? You have mentioned it in the articles for escalation windows and sexual tension and escalation time and again , but i think the importance of this topic in the final seduction it might need an article of its own?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Hmm, yeah, the nuts and bolts specifics on that one are a little hard to break down at first blush. Very instinctual. A big one is when conversation dies down and she's just staring at you, of course (and you can somewhat make this happen on your own, too); other details like drooping eye lids and smaller, sexier smiles (as opposed to broad excited / friendly ones), or her switching into bedroom voice are all dead giveaways; many girls will arc their backs and stick out their chests more fully, etc.

Anyway, I will jot it down for a proper article and see what kinds of details I can come back with!

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

It would be great if you could make a list of books that you recommend reading.

Cheers,

DjCozy

Troy's picture

DJ Cozy -

Check out this article on Girls Chase below with a bunch of books for reading more:

Recommended Reading

mr rob's picture

Hello Chase, not too long ago you wrote a very intriguing and controversial reply to a fellow commenter. I don't remember the article or your the exact response but I think it went like this.

The guy was talking about how he wants to learn seduction but it conflicts with his core beliefs since he was a Christian.

You replied that nowhere in the bible does it say you can't have sex before marriage and that you think he ought to do some soul searching and research to finish piecing in his core beliefs before diving head first into a conflicting beliefs. That being worshipping false idols vs. God, in biblical terms.

I found that such a profoundly controversial thing to say. I mean we as Christians are spoon fed from birth that we aren't supposed to have sex before marriage and most all of us accept it as truth without even looking into it. I mean God have mercy on us for being such sheep!

My question is first off, out of curiosity, how much of the bible have you read/researched to come to that conclusion? I know you've used Jesus as an example multiple times when describing strong character traits to emulate, so I assume you've have read the gospel. And given your wisdom you display on a regular basis I'm sure you've taken note of proverbs.

When I saw that comment I went into further study of the bible to sex before marriage, but as it's rather long and a bit dry it's hard to know where to look to come to my own conclusions. Any suggestions here?

So far I've come to the conclusion that sexual immorality is extremely ambiguous and open to interpretation, though fornication isn't.

Based on science and real life facts I've also come to the conclusion that sex is a healthy need of body and brain and that it wouldn't make sense for God to give us such STRONG sex drives only for them to be repressed until we for sure find the "perfect partner" (who knows how long that could take).

Also like you note, relationships are like pottery. Easy to mold in the beginning but once they set the dynamics are hard to change.

Wouldn't it be WISE to learn how to properly run a relationship prior to marriage so that the woman you choose to spend the rest of your life with in holy matrimony has all her needs met along with the best relationship possible (along with both parties not having to figure out how to give the woman multiple orgasms and great sex).

Also the amount of growth I've gone through (largely due to your website) in the past year and 3 months would never have occurred if I abstained from sex. Thank you for your ministry by the way in those regards, I don't believe I've personally thanked you.

God continues to bless me on a daily basis and I think I've grown closer to him in the process of all this sexual personal growth, oddly enough.

Not trying to expound all my thoughts and cognitive dissonance right here but I would graciously appreciate your feedback into how you came to your conclusions on sex and Christianity as I've had a lot of conflicting beliefs in that past on this subject. Though I've been ironing them out to be less conflicting I'm still in search of the truth.

Now that I think about it this article, interestingly enough, kind of goes right up that alley.

Lastly I want to say this article was written extremely well. I think perhaps you've leveled up recently in your writing abilities (I'm sure writing a couple million words will do that too you).

This article in particular captured my attention immediately and kept intriguing me to read on. The stories in it were easy to relate to and kept things from becoming trite. The breakdown and examples were spot on.

Perfect material for my dad to look over, though unfortunately I think it would have been of better use to him 5 years ago than today... but hell better late than never.

Keep up the good work this place is looking rad.

p.s. Edit? I pressed send and thought I could revise it so if there are two of these comments use this one. That is all

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Mr. Rob-

I was raised a Roman Catholic, so just about the strictest of Christians outside of some fundamentalist sects, and I don't do anything half-assed so I was about one of the most devout you'd find. One thing I *did* always struggle with was the no-sex-before-marriage thing; I've read more or less the entire Bible, and I realized after a while that neither Jesus nor any of the prophets of the Old Testament come out and forbid pre-marital sex. They're against homosexuality, and they're against "sexual immorality" (which isn't really defined), but the instructions to avoid fornication stem entirely from the religions they inspired (read: other men who came after them) rather than the original teachers themselves (although there are some parts of the Old Testament specific to women; see Deuteronomy 22:20-21 on that; neither Testament generally places restraints on straight men's sexuality, outside of vague immorality warnings in the Epistles).

Personally, my philosophy is, unless a follower is producing his own original teachings in addition to the message he carries forward, and these teaching have themselves been weighed by his own followers (or otherwise tested in the real world) and found worthy, he's probably not someone to listen to automatically just because he associates himself with the teacher.

And, thanks for the thoughts on writing! That's hard to tell, especially when you're writing a lot and not frequently reviewing much... but one would hope that continually trying to improve in that regard does have an effect!

Chase

Dale's picture

Chase, have you ever read Dale Carnegie's other book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living"? It is also very good.

Second, Christians need to seduce their wives (and keep seducing them, too.) The Married Man's Sex Life website often goes into this.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Dale-

I've not, but I've heard good things about it. I'll add it to my reading list. And a very good note on the necessity of always keeping a woman interested, no matter how long you've had her!

Chase

Juanito's picture

This is truly a great article, and it really motivates me to want to read "How to Make Friends and Influence People." I've always been good at negotiating with people, but this article really has the information I need to excel in my negotiations.

Thanks, Chase! Your site is fantastic and has improved my life substantially.

Anonymous's picture

what should i do in a situation where i'm not invited to an event or hangout? it might be unintentional but i don't want to invite myself.

also an even more advanced version: what do i do if one person doesn't like you and is either organizing the event and is trying to exclude you?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

In my experience, the best thing to do is launch your own competing event and fill it with as many awesome people as you can. It's the inverse of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em"; in this case, "If you can't join 'em, beat 'em."

Easy to do? Certainly not. Satisfying and educational when you pull it off? Incredibly.

You can also go the route of just building close alliances with so many of the other participants that the group leader is forced to invite you because everyone else there is constantly asking him, "Hey, how come Anon isn't here?" However, that's more of a crap shoot and leaves you less in control - so save that only for the things you don't care about as much. For the ones you care very much about, build your own alternative and make it good.

Chase

creek.steven's picture

In theory all the approaches to negotiations and all other life aspects look really easy but when you run into things in practice it's like oh oh I haven't thought about this one!

Chase what would be a good way of dealing with quilt? I have a complicated family life and I believe I've been the victim in my family and I'm still fighting with issues.
I was raised in a small town by traditional and rather conservative parents. I know they loved me and they wanted to give me everything but the problem was they were both emotionally unstable, especially the mother. She and my father never ever argued and it looked like everything was soooo perfect but it soooo wasn't.
There were days I'd come back from school and when she was not in a mood she used to pick on me. She told me I was stupid, I was untidy, I was a terrible mess etc.
She used to yell at me and pick on everything and when I asked her to give me specifics on what exactly she didn't like she never did but it infuriated her even more so it was always better just to shut up and be quiet as she could even come up to me and she started physical abusing when I was still a teenager.

My father has always been very passive, completely dependent on her in terms of running the house so even though he has always been a great, great man and did everything for me he never stopped her. He didn't have the nerve to ever stand up to her.

When I lived at home I never knew what I could expect, what mood she'd hit the day and at times I felt too paralysed to even leave my room.

They respected my younger brother more for him being smarter at school etc. She would also pick on him at times but never to such a degree like on me.

Now, I'm 32 and I haven't been living at home for a long time. A lot changed for better and I was always a welcomed guest. But all my family considers me a failure because I didn't marry. Last time I visited my family at Christmas and my parents reached the peak of their unfairness. They were both infuriated by my brother. They didn't tell him anything though because they respect him. He has a loving wife, a child they love (and they need to see regularly) and a good well-paid job. They were constatnly walking on eggshells around them. But when my bro with wife went for a walk my mother came up to me and started yelling at me. It really looked and felt like the old times, just yell at me to let off steam. She yelled at me for not having a family, being weird, criticized my hobbies, everything you could possibly think of.

I left. I'd read your articles about psychology. I'd spotted my mistakes. I'm a good person Chase, I didn't drink extensively, no smoking, no drugs. I don't deserve this treatment and I realized after reading your stuff that it's not me, it's how I let myself be treated all my life.

My mother hasn't spoken to me since then. My father called me and I told him how I won't let them treat me like that. But he didn't say anything to eat. He was surprised and said nothing. He called me before Easter to invite me for breakfast and I said I'd come and I didn't. I couldn't. I feel I've changed as a person, I started working on my fundamentals with girls and poeple at work and I couldn't go home to let my folks awake the old me.

I feel like they should apologize for behaving this way but I know they never will. For them everthing's perfect. I AM A FAILURE and she was a good mother to POINT IT OUT FOR ME. And now I'm so stupid that I can't even see it. My bro told me my father begrudges me for not coming over after "all the good things I received from them". My brother scolded me for that as if I was a little kid (he also feels superior to me and granted himself the right to first make laugh at me and then criticize me for not treating parents fair).

Chase I haven't done anything bad but I'm treated as if I'd spent many years in prison and can't normally spend time with my family on holidays. Now everything is turned upside down and I AM THE AWFUL PERSON who didn't come to visit a family. and my father is crying over it. But how could I sit down at the table prepared by my mother knowing that she didn't even invite me?

Everybody in my family turned their backs at me. I know I haven't done anything bad but I feel incredibly quilty. Why do I feel this way???

How to talk to them? They are creazy. My mother cleans the whole house 24/7 and I m sure it's a mental disorder. My dad keeps watching soapies... I think he's depressed. How to tell them they actually have a problem, not me.

I feel terribly sorry for them. I don't know how to solve this situation. I want to talk to them and have a good relations but if I come back there as if nothing happened I'll show them AGAIN that it's ok to treat me this way.

Why do they think that not having a family is such a big disaster that happened to me?

Do you think sometimes you just have to sit out the storm and show and prove people something? It's like with girls. CHase I have always made my intentions clear. I want to have a steady girlfriend, I want to be faithful. Then I discovered your site and I actually realized that you should NEVER tell people about your real intentions. And I see now how it works. I get better results when I don't say things. Why is life so upside down? I was not a boyfriend material when I said I want to be a boyfriend and showed all the good qualities. Why am I a better boyfriend materlial when I show I want only sex?
It really looks like you never tell people what you really want. If you want to have a girlfriend don't say you're looking for one! Show her you can take her for a dark ride god knows where and she'll all go crazy for you and tell you how she wants you in her life for good.
Why are poeple so messed up? I've always been a fan of opening my cards but I now I took on a different approach and realized that life is all about a game.

Thank you Chase!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Steven-

I'd suggest reading through this article:

Scapegoat or Golden Child: victims of narcissistic apartheid

Here's a quote:

In a narcissistic household, one (or more) members of the family are singled out to be the scapegoat, the one to whom the narcissists assigns blame for just about everything. I, for example, was told by my mother when I was 14 that everything that was wrong in her life was my fault—because I had been born! Taking responsibility for getting pregnant with me was not in the cards there—no, the fact of my existence was the reason her fine plans (fantasies) for her life had not panned out.

In these narcissistic household there in also at least one Golden Child, the child who can do no wrong, the child who is the spoiled darling of the narcissist. The Scapegoat may be even be held responsible for the behaviour of the Golden Child—when I was a kid, I got punished when my younger (but bigger) brother misbehaved because I was the oldest and it was therefore my job to make him do his chores and stay out of trouble. This was the case from as young as I can remember and the patent absurdity of making a scrawny 3 year old responsible for the actions of her sturdy, unsupervised toddler brother never seemed to dawn on my mother.

and this one:

Golden Child / Scapegoat

It's very common for Narcissistic Mothers to have a Golden Child / Scapegoat dynamic going on.

In short, one child in the family is the Golden Child, and one or more is the Scapegoat.

The Golden Child, as the name suggests, is the best and most wonderful - at least in the eyes of the Narcissistic Mother. It seems to be that the Narcissistic Mother picks the Golden Child to be an extension of herself, onto whom she projects all her own supposed wonderfulness.

The Golden Child can do no wrong. He or she gets given the best of everything - even apartments or houses bought for them. Their most minor achievements are celebrated and held up for admiration.

The Scapegoat on the other hand is, also as the name suggests, the person on whom all the ills of the family are projected. They can do no right. Their major achievements are dismissed. Any money spent on them is the bare minimum and is spent begrudgingly.

It sounds as though your mother is the classic narcissistic type, and your father functions as a codependent enabler (he's the traditional nice guy who wants everyone to get along, but he will submit himself to her whims to not piss her off and invoke her narcissistic wrath - they probably had it out before you were born and established the pecking order in that family before you ever came into the world, and he submitted).

I don't have much experience with the dynamic myself, except for some reading just out of curiosity, so for any "what to do" advice I'd recommend reading through these articles and possibly looking for support forums if you think this sounds like it fits your situation and seeing what other people have done and what's worked best.

As for why telling your intentions doesn't work... with women, it's typically because they want an experience that feels exciting, mysterious, and totally unpredictable. They would like to feel like it is that way for both parties, because they need that to relate to you. That's because people project their wants and feelings onto others, and women are in the passive / not-in-control position; finding out that you are in firm control, have clear objectives, and are following a step-by-step process to get them makes you immediately unrelatable to them. So, to keep the bond alive, you must feed back to them the feeling that you are like them and the two of you are the same, and you need to do this with everyone.

At it's core, the explanation is just that any two people interacting with each other *almost* never have exactly, perfectly, dead-even objectives with one another, and you don't show your full hand because you don't want to expose the differences between your intentions and another's intentions and let your differences become something that breaks you apart. This is true for things like business deals, etc. as well. BIG differences obviously you need to air out; if they're small ones and not key, often it's better just not to bring them up.

Chase

The M's picture

For anyone quickly reading Chase's reply: the thing about the mom at age 14 is a quote from the first article he linked, not about Chase's mom! I was confused for a bit. :)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Thanks M - something wrong with the post format there. All fixed now.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, any quick tips on performing oral sex on girls and stimulating the clit specifically? I checked out the other articles but I couldn't get anything specific on the subject. Thanks!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

This is one that keeps popping up and it's probably a good one to get an article written up on - keep your eyes peeled and you'll see it later today.

Chase

J $'s picture

Hello Chase, I really want to start cold approaching, but im just so damn shy. And I make a lot of excuses for myself not to approach. Can you give me some tips and make an article on destroying your shyness? I'd appreciate it.

Chase, does this stuff work for black guys? Because the girls I always were around growing up were hoodrats and they like hood guys. They hate the polite type or educated type. Anyway, I ask is it for black guys because I've noticed that white people have it the easiest for this pua stuff. All I see is white puas and I hear most girls talking about how they want a white man. Black girls even say they're tired of black men and want a white man. Or on an online dating profile they will specifically say, "No black men". That's the only race they say, they don't say any other color but black.

I feel that everyone hates black as a whole, even black women themselves. I feel black guys hate themselves to a lesser extent than females do. But, it's like this a lot.

I tried running day game, but I felt like the girls were trying to not make eye contact and didn't want me to talk to them. I tried white girls. I read colts article and wanted to see how I'd do. So, I saw some white girls, they were alright and when I walked to them (we were heading into each other) I see them all of a sudden get on their phone and or walk faster. Im not starring, or even suggesting im going to approach. I just happen to be walking and they're walking to my direction. I feel they're scared of me and they don't want to be approached by a black guy. If they wanted to be approached they wouldn't be on their phone, texting or walking fast right? They won't even look in my direction.

1. How do I get these hoodrat girls while using the stuff on this site?

2. Was I right on my assumption on how girls go on their phone and text just to not want talk to you and make you avoid approaching?

3. Should I even approach them and what do I say when a girl is texting or talking on the phone?

4. How can I make white girls or any other girls that I pass on the street stop being scared or turned off by me?

Thank you Chase

Author
Chase Amante's picture

J$-

I have noted down in our article queue for an article on shyness already (though I'm probably not the best one to write it), but I'll add another note next to it.

On being black - sure, I know plenty of black guys who are quite adept at picking up girls in streets, bars, nightclubs, etc. Usually especially non-black girls - I'm sure they can pick up black girls too, but most of the cities I've lived in we tend not to run into black girls quite as often (or maybe we just frequent different parts of town).

In fact, one of our writers here is a black guy, and he had an article on picking up white girls right here: "How Black Guys Can Have Sex with White Girls."

Some girls will stick their noses abruptly into their phones to try and dissuade you from approaching, yes. If you get eye contact followed by a rapid switch into staring at the phone, that's usually a loud and clear "don't talk to me" sign (I get that sometimes as a white guy too... it's color blind; just if she doesn't like your looks or something else about you triggers that reaction in her, you'll get it).

If she's texting or talking on the phone, you can try approaching, but you'll generally have a pretty low opening rate unless you come in very strong and she really likes your look. Otherwise, better just to hold on until she's laid off the texting / hopped off the phone. If you must approach, go direct and open with a strong, sincere compliment, because anything else is feels incongruent as a reason for interrupting someone's phone call or text. Just don't take it too hard if you get rejected - you need to be firing on all cylinders or really just be exactly her "type" (or one of her types) to pull this off and have it go well usually.

Chase

Troy's picture

Chase -

I've been looking right around the site for an article on "light skinned men getting dark girls" and how to game them e.t.c.

I have found myself a lot lately to find a really deep love and passion for black girls. I didn't always feel this way, especially when i was a lot younger. In fact, about 3 years ago when i started watching porn at age 15 i mostly watched porn with white girls until eventually i started out of curiosity watching ebony porn. I know you said that porn is bad but maybe if it wasn't for porn then i would not find myself opened up to a many different women because before that i only liked white girls. Now i love all women every color. porn also helped me to appreciate asian and blonde girls that i once hated, but even still my passion most of all is for black women (a brown cock in a dark girl's pussy). Porn has had a few negatives on my life ( i was not addicted, just watched it when i was bored Every now and again) and i'm now giving up the porn. in fact porn has become a boring media to watch that i feel asleep during the video . Most of my early success with girls has all been with black girls. As for my complexion, i am brown/light skinned but still far enough away from white.

I'm not from the america, i'm from the Caribbean ( now that's something else you learned about me...)

I recall in a few articles you talk about visiting the Caribbean. which country's have you been to in the Caribbean?

How do you game Caribbean girls? why is it that black girls are so warm compared to other girls?

I realize that the main reason why you don't yet have an article on getting black girls is because of the whole touchiness of the topic and that possibly lead to internet junkies just looking to find something to attack and say is wrong.... but chase i would say just ignore them ( but maybe choose your words and pictures more carefully for this one.

What is your experience like with black girls?

How do we get black girls (game them)?

Even though i got most of my preselection and girlfriends from black girls, i still find them hard to get. What are the different things a man needs to get dark girls compared to others ( and in relation to this article on social circle)?

What do you have up your sleeve on the topic of gaming black girls as a light-skinned guy?

Id love to hear your perspective on this topic and maybe if it interests you that you cook up an article on this one!

Cheers

Troy

Troy's picture

A part of my comment seems to be missing Chase, and i was wonderind if you could join the rest of the comment to the one above. something seems to have went wrong after the link was made. I need to do some vmore reading up on making links, i guess. If you cant find the original comment then use this one please and thanks in addition to the one above. here it is below!

Most of my early success with girls has all been with black girls. As for my complexion, i am brown/light skinned but still far enough away from white.

Im not from the america, im from the caribbean ( now thats something else you learned about me...)

I recall in a few articles you talk about visiting the caribbean. which country's have you been to in the caribbean?

How do you game caribbean girls? why is it that black girls are so warm compared to other girls?

I realize that the main reason why you dont yet have an article on getting black girls is because of the whole touchiness of the topic and that possibly lead to internet junkies just looking to find something to attack and say is wrong.... but chase i would say just ignore them ( but maybe choose your words and pictures more carefully for this one.

What is your experience like with black girls?

How do we game black girls as a light skinned/white guy?

Even with my experience with black girls they still are a struggle to get. Could you shed some light on this topic about gaming black girls, if that interests you?

Thanks

Troy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Troy-

I fixed the comment for you here - you were missing the closing bracket on the end of your "" tag.

Black girls (in general) are different from white girls, at least in the States, in that American black girls require a lot more ball-busting than white girls do, and tolerate/enjoy a far higher level of outright sexual humor - some black girls you may pick up spending almost half your time just straight chase framing them, with only dashes of connection-focused conversation tossed in here and there.

I only have a bit of experience with Caribbean women, but I find this to be even more true for them - just go hard on the sexual humor and innuendo, and they eat it up and get turned on and play the sexual banter right back with you. They do not seem to respect men who cannot do this and/or who dance around sexual issues. Those men are nice, but not sexual options. Whereas if you go as hard with a white girl or an Asian girl as you do with a black girl, you will tend to blow yourself out... more subtlety is usually called for.

As far as my experience goes, I've visited the Bahamas and the Dominican Republic, though I didn't run game at either. The only Caribbean girls I've picked up in the States that I recall have been from Trinidad and Tobago, and from Puerto Rico. The Trinidad and Tobago girls were either black or Indian (from India) descent (apparently a lot of Indians moved to Trinidad; never thought I'd meet a Caribbean girl with the middle name "Lakshmi"), and both types responded very well to loads of physical dominance and strong sexual humor; Puerto Ricans for me have all been Hispanic, or Hispanic mixed (maybe with a dash of black in them), and required a more subdued approach.

So, I'd say: as a light-skinned guy, your biggest issue with dark-skinned women is being perceived as "weak" or a "pushover." For that reason, you can essentially be as aggressive with physicality and sexuality as you want (while still remaining as smooth and effortless as possible) and not worry about coming across as over-the-top most of the time. This makes them pretty fun to pick up and a nice change of pace from the balancing act you have to put on with lighter skinned women (because let's be honest, it's just FUN being über dominant and sexual!).

Chase

Add new comment

The Latest from GirlsChase.com