Since the dawn of time, men have made the fatal mistake of taking the words of women at face value. I can’t blame our kind, as we are logical beings who say what we mean and mean what we say.
But women…women are masters of subtlety. Subtlety and subtext are their hallmarks. And until you become well-versed in the language of the female, you can easily find yourself dumbfounded and in a storm of fury.
No treacherous territory should be treaded without a map. And no reasonable man should allow himself to be saddened, deluded, or maddened by his inability to understand what a girl actually means.
So today I’m going to lay out such a road map. I’m going to outline the common phrases you’ll hear from women in various contexts and what they really mean. I hope this will prevent you from being confused, frustrated, dumbfounded, or from having to ask yourself: what does she mean?
What DOES She Mean, Really? That Night I Really Got My Hopes Up
When I was in the throes of college, I had started my final year with a bit of ennui. I had just broken up with the girl I was dating at the end of the previous year. She was one of the most dynamic and intelligent girls I had ever met – wholesome, religious, but also playful and highly sexual.
I had met my fair share of girls in college, especially since at the time I was in the middle of being a fraternity president. But, I just knew that the chances of me replacing my ex were slim. Luckily, I wasn’t quite in a situation where I couldn’t stop thinking about her, but it was more of a rational and emotional acceptance of the fact that no girl that year would reach her caliber.
And then I met her…Simone. We got into a brief conversation on the quad and she told me that she enjoyed my performance at an event that happened earlier that night. I was pretty casual about my response. Simone didn’t blow me away, or leave me dumbs truck, but I felt like she was pretty cute.
And then, for the next week, she became the talk of the town. She was a freshman, but everyone kept talking about how mature she was for her age, and how beautiful she was, and how every guy wanted to take her to bed.
I’m usually not one to get carried away in the hype about a girl. And as a senior, I was particularly wary of falling into such a trap about a freshman. But, after a couple more encounters, I began to see what everyone else saw. This girl was gorgeous; she was intelligent; she was socially gifted; and she didn’t take herself too seriously.
But there was one key difference between me and everyone else on that campus in terms of Simone: she looked at me that way as well. I often heard tell of her talking about me, and she always seemed to be slightly star struck whenever I was around her.
So, like any logical man, I asked her out. And we went on a couple of really great adventures. It seemed like she had been there for ages. And she was as remarkable as everyone said she was – so much so that I actually began to get quite nervous around her. And I began to feel more strongly than I had felt about my ex (probably because I was still in the infatuation stage). And being less grounded as I was, I moved slowly and failed to get physical.
“But it’s okay. I’ll just tell her how I feel”, is what I thought to myself. So I asked her out on a midnight walk, and wore my heart on my sleeve…
Me: Simone, I’ve had a really, really great time hanging out with you the last few weeks.
Her: Colt, I feel the exact same way. You’re definitely a breath of fresh air to say the least.
Me: Hah, much appreciated. Well, I just wanted to add that I haven’t felt this way about a girl in quite a while. And honestly, I really like you.
Her: …Colt, I really like you too. But to be honest, I’m kind of in the middle of a break up with a guy at another school. So we should just be friends for now. Maybe we can revisit this in a few weeks.
Now, if Simone had just told me that we should be friends, I would’ve been disappointed, but I could’ve let it go. We’ll revisit this in a few weeks… no worries at all. That’s what I’d think to myself. But then the weeks turn into a month. And the month turned to two. And I barely ever saw Simone after that conversation.
What did she mean when she said that we’ll revisit?
If there’s one thing that’s necessary to understand about women it’s that they live in temporal truths. Was Simone sincere in her words of wanting us to eventually get together? Absolutely. But as we know, attraction expires and girls’ feelings really do come and go.
During month two of not really seeing her and wondering where things went wrong, one of my good friends pulled me aside and said:
“Yo Colt, you’re a good friend of mine so I wanted you to hear this from me. I heard that Simone has been having sex with Mark from the fraternity across the street for the last couple of weeks. Sorry man.”
… it was much harder to hear that news than I could have ever anticipated.
Eventually I randomly ran into her and confronted her about it:
Me: I heard you’ve been hooking up with Mark.
Her: Yeah… it started one night at a party. I was drunk and it was stupid. But… he’s a good guy.
Me: I see.
Her: I’m really sorry Colt.
Me: It’s okay. But I do have one question. How come him? I mean… why not me?
Her: You know it wouldn’t be the same between us. I guess… I just like you too much to sleep with you.
#1. “I like you too much to sleep with you.”
This phrase will open up our list of girl-speak. It can be one of the most confusing and frustrating set of words to hear from a female. Upon looking back on these events, I learned a couple of critical lessons about my situation:
I didn’t move fast enough with the physicality
I over-provided good feelings
I gave off way too much value
I had spent a lot of time with Simone connecting on an emotional and intellectual level, but upon reflection, I had begun placing her on so high of a pedestal that I was nervous to even touch her. And while I wasn’t touching her, I was communicating my provider value in other ways and taking her on adventures. Essentially… I was digging my own lover grave.
Let’s look at the next phrase a girl might say that may trigger the “what does she mean?” thought in your head.
#2. “I’m not really dating right now.”
When a girl says this, it may be true in the sense that she’s not dating anyone at this exact moment. However, there is always a man in a girl’s life. And if there isn’t a lover, you can bet your dollars that she is actively looking for one. So if she tells you that she’s not really dating… what she’s really saying is that she’s not really interested in dating you.
A lot of guys hear this and think: “Oh, she’s not really dating. That makes sense. I don’t really want to pressure her into doing something she’s uncomfortable with. She’s probably dealing with something. Maybe someday!” And they obliviously carry on with the hope that one day they’ll be able to “win her over”.
#3. “It’s fine.”
No. No, it isn’t. I’m certain that any guy who has ever been in a relationship has heard this wonderful gem. When a girl tells you that something is fine it means that she is either disappointed or upset. If she is disappointed, then you either have to assuage her disappointment, or come up with a way to compromise/make it up to her.
If a girl is disappointed, then you have to get serious and find out what the root cause of her emotions is. Chase’s recent article on bridge building in conversations is a great tool to this end. And if you follow these steps while maintaining your masculine frame, things really will turn out just fine.
#4. “I’m going to the bathroom/I have to find my friend.”
Hahahaha… no she isn’t – and no she doesn’t. Unless that’s not her primary motive. In the very rare case, a girl will give you one of these lines and actually come back. But, you should only take her for her word when she actually returns. Don’t even take her at her word if she adds a nice “but I’ll be back”. This is quite often a smoke screen for her actual intentions.
#5. “Maybe” or “Sometime”
You ask a girl out and she gives you one of these responses. In both cases she’s giving you an unequivocal “never”. But she’s trying to be nice and spare your feelings by giving you the illusion of possibility.
#6. “You’re such a great friend!”
In other words: “I’m never, ever going to have sex with you!” Unfortunately, a lot of orbiters take this statement as positive reinforcement for their efforts and think that they are slowly “wearing down” the girl into enjoying them so much that she wants to jump in their bed. However, the only play he’ll be getting is the one he takes her to. And the only physicality he’ll be getting is her light pats on the shoulder or the occasions where she cries over another guy on him.
#7. “I was so drunk.”
A classic female plausible deniability response. In fact, the preeminent response. It really means “I definitely wanted to sleep with him – or at least did at the time – but I don’t want to be judged as a slut. And… I may even ‘get drunk’ around him again.”
#8. “She is so ugly.”
This really means “She’s actually really pretty and I’m very jealous of her. She is a threatening presence and I need to do whatever is necessary to lower her sexual value.” If a girl is calling another girl ugly or bitchy, especially if this girl is a prospect of yours, then you’ve definitely got her jealousy meter running high. And if you can, definitely use that to your advantage if you want.
I remember one of the most surprising instances of girl-bashing I’ve seen came from a girl that I really respect. She is a smart, mild, and generally high-value individual who is a good female friend of mine. However, one night I had been out and met a girl who formerly won our state beauty pageant. And after the night had concluded, I asked my friend what she thought about this girl. I expected a generally positive response. However, what I actually got was: “She was okay. Her hips were kind of wide and her makeup was a little off. But I guess she was nice enough.”
I was shocked. I didn’t think this girl had one mean bone in her body. But competition is a funny thing. And that was the first time I felt sexual tension between the two of us.
#9. “He is so creepy.”
“Creepy” is a catch-all term that girls use for any guy they are not attracted to who came onto them in anything but a “nice guy” way. Sometimes the guy is actually creepy and he tries to feel her up in the corner of a club. But when girls talk about this type of guy, they’ll actually be uneasy. However, what’s more common to find is creepy used for a masculine man who made his intentions known, but that she didn’t want as a lover.
Scenario 1. Actually creepy: “That guy just grabbed my butt and called me ‘baby’. It made me really uncomfortable. That was creepy. Let’s move to a different part of the bar.”
Scenario 2. Fake creepy: “Jake keeps texting me about hanging out. He just can’t take a hint. He’s so creepy.”
Scenario 2 is an actual statement that a friend of mine made. I, in Colt fashion, proceeded to call her out about the fact that she gave him her number, and that if she wants him to stop, she should just say so.
Her response was: “It’s just too much effort. And I don’t want to be mean. I’ll just ignore him.” But what she was really saying was: “I like the attention and showing everyone that guys like me and validate me.” Fair play. But of course, she would never admit that!
Creepy can mean anything. But it’s important to know that seven times out of ten that “creepy” guy is probably just a regular guy who came in with an uncalibrated approach. And unfortunately, some girls will throw you in the creep jail for that.
#10. “What are you doing right now?”
If a girl sends this text to you without any prior warning, then this means “I’m horny”. But of course, she’s not allowed to actually say this overtly. So it’s your job to infer what she means.
#11. “I’m Tired.”
Sometimes what she means is that she is actually tired. But other times – particularly in longer relationships – she means that she’s lost motivation due to a lack of sexual excitement. So this case will mean bringing the spark back and turning on your significant other with raw sexual enthusiasm. If you do this, suddenly she’ll have energy that “mysteriously” came to her.
#12. “He and I are just friends.”
This one is tricky. If you’re not with a girl and she makes a point of telling you that a guy (whom you think she has a lot of sexual chemistry with) is just her friend, it could mean many things. It could be that:
- He is a secret lover, but she still wants to keep you as an option
- He used to be a lover, but now she has lost interest
- She’s interested in him, but wants to use this statement to gauge your reaction
- She’s attracted to him, but wants to spare your feelings (in case you’re jealous)
Of course, these are only for the cases where there is clear chemistry between a girl and a guy you don’t know. Otherwise, just take her for her word. But if you know anything about men and women, you know that the man is probably an orbiter. But if you do see the signs of attraction, do delve a bit deeper and do your due diligence about the situation.
#13. “Do I look fat?”
This is another classic. Only the foolish would dare to answer yes. Support her and encourage her. Even if she does need to drop a pound or two, now would not be the correct time to bring up such things.
#14. “Do you want to… ?”
Women will rarely ask for things directly, and this is one aspect that drives men absolutely crazy. For example, if you’re out at a restaurant with a woman and she wants dessert, but is unsure of how you’ll react (maybe you’re paying for the date), she’ll just pose her desire as a question of your desire. “Do you want to grab dessert?” What does she mean? She is really saying: “I want to grab dessert but I don’t want to be rude or seem like a glutton, so you should suggest it.”
And if you fail the test, get ready to feel the heat.
#15. And last but not least… nothing at all.
And last but certainly not least is women’s secret weapon: radio silence. In this tech-driven day and age, radio silence can communicate more loudly and clearly than any words coming out of a girl’s mouth.
If a girl suddenly goes cold on you, she just assumes that you’ll get the point after try three or four. So if you don’t hear from her… yeah… that’s what she means.
I did eventually rekindle the contact and connection with Simone, but the magic never really returned. In fact, after a couple of months, it was strange to see how much I could think of her as I did most other girls. Not 100%, but I did at least bring the pedestal out of the heavens. And one fateful night I ended up kissing her. It was short. And it was relatively unimpressive. And she gave me the “I just think of you as a friend” line. Fair enough. But I was happy I took action. I was happy I never had to live with the regret of wonder.
It was too hard to reverse the bad precedent. But she set me on a path of much greater lessons – both difficult and illuminating. In fact, she was one of the main reasons why I decided to truly ramp up my skills and understand everything I could about women. That school year had been one of the catalysts for me finally reaching out to Chase after consuming his materials for quite a while.
So in the end, I actually have a lot to thank Simone for. I tried to get her in person, but she was always too busy. So I had to send her a long text right before I made my final exit from the campus. I made one return to the alma mater a couple of years later, and I reached out to her. I knew she was enjoying a blossoming college experience and I wanted to catch up with her.
So I reached out to her. And she agreed to catch up since I was only around for one night.
And then… she flaked on me.
Some things never change :). That was the last thing I ever said to her. I hope that she knew what I meant.
And now you do too.
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