Sometime back ago, when I was still new to learning about seduction, I shared with a friend the tale of a girl I'd gone out with and the sexual dialogue I'd tried using to get her mind going the right way... and how disappointed I was it hadn't seemed to have had the desired effect.
“My man,” I remember him saying to me at the time, “I notice you keep trying to use words to get women excited and turned on. But words aren't very good at this. You need to use sexual tension.”
And I heard this, and I thought it sounded like a great idea... except I had no idea how to create sexual tension, how to use it, or where to even start with it. And my friend, for all his wisdom, was at a loss to explain it.
So, I did what any real student of anything does who is unable to find the answer by simpler means, and I embarked on a quest to discover the mechanisms of this phenomenon and to find the key to unlock its power for myself.
Recently, years later, I found myself in the opposite position, recommending to readers that they use sexual tension, this time in the “How to Kiss a Girl” article from last week, and having the very first commenter on the post, a guy named Josh, remark:
“I would like to see a post on sexual tension. How and when to create it and sustain it. I see you mention touching and proximity to create this and maybe some eye contact that last just a little to long. Those along with some playful banter maybe as well? It's amazing how much of flirting and seduction are non-verbal.”
Well Josh, the fortunate thing is, unlike my friend from that conversation past, this is one I had to put together over time and figure out the puzzle pieces for, and I can both tell you how to create it, and tell you how to use it.
Now let me show you how you can build and direct sexual tension to drive the women you meet lusty, horny, and randy, in minutes or less.
The mistake I made early on trying to create sexual tension was the same one just about every guy makes: I tried to talk my way to tension.
I initially tried talking to women about all kinds of things:
- Fake boobs
- Sex positions
- What it takes to be good in bed
- Sexual escapades of my own
- Sexual escapades of hers
And these led to some truly very fascinating discussions. I learned a lot about female sexuality that I perhaps otherwise wouldn't have learned if not for launching into these intellectual forays about the vagaries of sex.
But one thing I didn't do
was turn women on. Talking
about sex did not make me sexy, I discovered.
In fact, dry sex talk, I soon found, did NOT have the effect on women I was hoping it would at ALL...
.. and if anything, I started realizing it was a full-on turn OFF for women!
I struggled to understand this at first. Why would talking about sex turn women off and drive them away? Shouldn't the act of talking about something make them think about it, and if I'm talking about how open *I* am about sex and how good in bed I am, shouldn't that make them curious about sleeping with me and make the want to try me out?
It took me a little while, but the reasons why sex talk doesn't lead to sexual tension in and of itself began dawning on me, one at a time:
It kills intrigue. When everyone's cards are laid out on the table, suddenly the poker game is a lot less exciting. Women want anticipation in their seductions... and a seduction where all your cards are showing just makes them want to go find another table to play at.
It's unromantic. Ever see a movie where a man's talking to a woman about sex outright? Occasionally you'll see it done well, and it seems romantic and scintillating, but usually it's just crude. It's very hard to do blatant sex talk correctly, and when you're focused on the talk, rather than the tension, you're almost assured of not getting it right.
It's skepticism-inducing. Women have adapted in our society to be very skeptical of what men say, because men have adapted in our society to say next to anything in order to get in women's pants. A guy telling a girl he's a good lover is likely to give her the opposite impression... "If you have to say it, it isn't true," I always say, and women seem to have a natural understanding of this principle themselves.
Honest sex talk has the other disadvantage that it can make you come across as the creepy guy if you really don't have the timing to discuss it at the right moments naturally or the vibe to remain calm and non-needy while talking about it, but even if you do these things alone aren't enough to build sexual tension.
Because sexual tension is not built on talk. It's built on something else.
Sexual Tension in Women: You Might Be Surprised
One of the biggest protests of some individuals who oppose the teaching and learning of seduction techniques is that a seducer is someone who takes advantage of, and knowingly manipulates, women.
But once you are a seducer, you tend to see things in a very different light.
I, for one, am well aware that I can create sexual tension pretty well these days. But I can't create it in every girl.
Try as I might, I will sometimes meet women who simply seem immune to the creation of sexual tension. No matter how much I dial up my sexuality, they just... stay neutral.
Why might this be? Well, as it turns out, Rosemary Bassoon of the University of British Colombia last year published a paper in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy entitled "The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model" that may just explain why:
“Sensing an opportunity to be sexual, the partner’s neediness, or an awareness of one or more potential benefits or rewards that are very important to them (but not necessarily sexual), women move from a sexual neutrality to seeking stimuli necessary to ignite sexual desire. This sexual desire would be experienced as a craving for sexual sensations for their own sake, it also might involve a desire to experience physical and subjective arousal and perhaps release of sexual tension. Sexual desire then is a responsive rather than spontaneous event.”
What Bassoon is saying here is that women in a neutral state don't become sexually turned on; women who want or need to be sexually turned on seek out the stimuli that can achieve this for them.
Which gels nicely with my experience.
A lot in seduction discusses "creating attraction" or "creating desire" within a woman. And often, as you build attraction up in a girl, or you build up sexual tension within her, you do seem to be creating it, nearly from thin air.
But this overlooks the fact that most of the time this happens it's with women who were already interested in you. Women who from the start had some desire to get to know you further, to find out if you were who they thought you were.
Here's more from Bassoon:
“Thus, for many women, it would appear that sexual arousal and a responsive-type of desire occur simultaneously at some point after the women have chosen to experience sexual stimulation[.]”
If Bassoon is correct - and I do think she is, from everything I've seen over the years, the seducer does not CREATE the sexual tension a woman feels - he merely provides the stimuli... the key that unlocks the door to the room where a woman can be free to let her hair down and partake, once she's already at least somewhat LOOKING for it.
It's why you hear so many experienced seducers saying they think women want sex more than men do, while so many men with little luck yet with women say they think women don't want sex at all.
Because to the men who haven't learned how to unlock that door yet, women seem to be eternally closed off to sexual desire... while to the desirable, sexual men who have learned how to be the key to that lock, all the women in search of sexual stimuli in the world seem to be bursting through the doors.
You of course have heard the old expression about men and women that, “If a key opens many locks, it's a Master Key.”
Well, to become that Master Key, you must first master sexual tension.
Sexual tension is the bittings, the teeth, on the key that lets you open those locks that are so begging for a man to open them. It is what enables you to free the women you meet to indulge in the raw sexuality they are seeking and desire, if they so choose.
You cannot force a woman into wanting her. You can't trick her, or fool her, or manipulate her. You can only free her into her desire... if she is in search of it.
If she does not want to feel desire though, nowhere in her heart, nothing you can do or say can affect her.
The good news, of course, is that the more talented at creating sexual tension you become, the better able you are to unlock the desire in women who even have that desire buried somewhat under the surface... and the more women who do not have desire, or whom you do not desire, will step out of your way.
The latter part has been particularly intriguing for me. As I've gotten better and better at creating sexual tension, I've noticed the following becomes true when you're very good at creating this tension:
The women you want who want you too REALLY begin to want you
The women who DON'T want you, or whom you don't want, understand why their friends DO want you, and understand it's their friends you want (and not them) and that it's you their friends want, and because this is mutual, they calmly clear the path
You are speaking a sort of unspoken language that only women and very sexual men understand as you grow better at creating tension, and other people can see it. It's the "spark" women talk on and on about; that magic "thing" no one can seem to put a finger on. It is the magnetic pull between two individuals that combines charisma and desire and mutual interest and makes it something great than all of those things.
And when other people see it between you and a girl - when they can tell it is mutual, and that she truly desire you, and you truly desire her - they get out of the way.
No cock-blocking. No interventions. No pulling the friend away to "go to the bathroom," never to return.
They just let the two lovers alone, because they can see that they will become lovers, and they should become lovers.
This all probably sounds very new-agey to you if you haven't experienced what I'm talking about here yet. For the more advanced guys, you're probably nodding your heads in agreement, whether you know how to do this consistently right now or you've stumbled on this by accident from time to time.
But anyway, I just wanted to give you a taste of what it feels like to have sexual tension decoded and in your pocket, ready to be pulled out to help you open locks whenever and wherever you need it.
Let's get into the real nitty-gritty now of how you transform yourself into that Master Key.
The 7 Keys of Sexual Tension
If you want to be the man who creates sexual tension in women and draws those hidden desires out of them and liberates them, you'll have some tweaking and changing of how you interact with women and how you present yourself first.
And to start with, you must, of course, be comfortable with being around tension... because you'll be creating, well, quite a bit of it.
Key #1: Remain Calm in Tense Situations
Imagine a big, powerful, angry-looking man walks right up to you, stares you in the face, and says, in a booming voice, "Are you trying to pull something on me?" Could you respond calmly and intelligently and defuse the situation? Most men couldn't.
Or suppose a stunning, beautiful woman in a tight, slinky, bright red dress strides up to you, stops with her hand on your chest, and says, in the most sexy voice you can imagine, "Do you want me?" Would you be able to remain in control, not miss a beat, and guide her toward the bedroom? Most men would fumble over their own words and drop the ball here.
Before you can create tension, you must first be able to handle tension, and that means not flinching when ridiculous situations thrust themselves upon you. And there are exactly two components to this:
Having had the experience already, or one like it; and
Consciously knowing the correct way to respond.
You won't get the first of those two until you've been out there and seen it all (or at least a lot of it), again and again. That's simply field experience, and it's why it's so important you're out there and meeting a lot of new women.
Don't get the experiences, and you can't get the conditioning - and conditioning is crucial to your future growth.
But the second of those two you can work on right now, without an ounce more experience in these types of situations than you had when you started reading this article.
Here's how to respond in tense situations:
Don't instantly react. When people panic or get overly excited, they tend to react quickly and instinctively. Thing is, if you don't have much experience in a given situation, your instincts tend to be wrong. Your first reaction to the big guy might be to sputter out excuses, or to violently push back and escalate the situation. Your first reaction to the beautiful vamp might be to say, "Yes, absolutely!" or to act overly cool and say, "Who said I want you?" None of these responses would be correct... they'd just blow the situation and lead to a bad end. So stay calm, and don't instantly react.
Don't escalate. Many people escalate when others suddenly force things upon them. They challenge the guy to a fight, or they tell the girl they like her and ask if she likes them. This is wrong - because it's following the other person's lead instead of having them follow yours.
Don't bow out. The other chunk of people bow out of tense situations - they tell they guy they're sorry and don't know what he's talking about, or the tell the girl, "Not really," and shoot her down if they're afraid she's just toying with them. This is wrong because it tends to make you look weak or afraid, or, in the case of the woman, it wrecks an otherwise great opportunity.
DO ask clarifying / direction-changing questions. This takes the other person off the initiative and transfers the initiative to you, giving you time to regain balance and assess the situation. Asking the tough guy, "Begging your pardon?" then looking at him with a quizzical look, then following up his next exclamation (probably: "You know what I'm talking about!" or "You did this!") with another, disorienting question (e.g., "Do we know each other?") regains the initiative for you and steals his thunder. Asking the beautiful girl, "Is this how you normally greet strange men?" and the, when she responds with something along the lines of "only men as sexy as you," making a statement like, "Well, clearly you have good taste, but we should get to know each other before we go ramming our tongues down one another's throats. Do you have a name, or do they just call you 'man killer?'" will show her you aren't fazed and will bring her true intentions to light.
From there, once you're back
steering and directing things, you can talk intelligently with
the tough guy, or gauge whether the girl's really sexually wound up (in
which case, you'd escalate things very quickly, but on your terms) or simply thought you
were cute but wanted to test you first (because she
likes toying with men and wants to screen out all but the strongest
and most experienced men), and take it from there.
Key #2: Don't Spill Your Beans
The majority of men in today's dating arena seem to follow a philosophy of, "Spill your beans to girls, and it'll all be fine." It's an absolutely atrocious approach, and women don't like it.
The reason men adopt this "strategy" in the first place is because they see themselves not getting anywhere with women... and they reason their value must not be high enough. So they work harder to show what high value men they are.
Then harder still.
After a little while in the game, they're spilling the beans on everything remotely interesting or exciting about themselves, and many things that aren't remotely interesting or exciting about themselves as well.
Zero intrigue. Zero curiosity. And zero sexual tension.
Ever read a romance novel? Or watch a movie with a hero women swoon over? It isn't the guy with his entire life on display for all the world to see, or the guy who's totally transparent to the women he meets.
It's the guy who's the mystery who makes women's hearts beat faster.
Women are obsessed with the mysterious man with a mysterious life and a mysterious past. The mysterious man is the romantic man. They want to discover him: who is this mystery man? Most of the men they meet are in such a hurry to divulge every detail imaginable about themselves... and then, there's this guy.
If you want to create sexual tension, you need to be that guy - you can't go spilling your beans around women and think you'll make them randy later. It doesn't work that way. Wear the cloak of mystery - it's essential.
Key #3: Use Strong Eye Contact
When it comes to creating tension, of any variety, the eyes have it:
If you want to intimidate someone, stare into his or her eyes and don't say a word.
If you want to show someone how serious you are about something, stare into his or her eyes and don't say a word.
And if you want to create sexual tension with someone, stare into her eyes and don't say a word, too.
It might seem odd that staring into a woman's eyes increases sexual tension, but I can tell you from my own experience it certainly does - and so can researchers Joan Kellerman, James Lewis, and James D. Laird in their Journal of Research in Personality studies published in the paper "Looking and loving: The effects of mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love:"
“In two studies, subjects induced to exchange mutual unbroken gaze for 2 min with a stranger of the opposite sex reported increased feelings of passionate love for each other. In Study I, 96 subjects were run in the four combinations of gazing at the other's hands or eyes, or in a fifth condition in which the subject was asked to count the other's eye blinks. Subjects who were gazing at their partner's eyes, and whose partner was gazing back reported significantly higher feelings of affection than subjects in any other condition. They also reported greater liking than all subjects except those in the eye blink counting condition. In Study II, with 72 subjects, those who engaged in mutual gaze increased significantly their feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner. This effect occurred only for subjects who were identified on a separate task as more likely to rely on cues from their own behavior in defining their attributes.”
Where should you be looking, precisely? As noted in "Eye Contact Flirting," you should be looking directly at the bridge of a woman's nose, in between her eyes, and not shifting back and forth from eye to eye as many individuals tend to do.
Shifting from eye to eye shows a focus on reactions - the individual shifting eyes is trying to gauge how his or her conversation partner is reading, reacting to, and interpreting his or her actions, words, and behavior. It's great when you see women doing this to you... it means they're deeply interested in how you're feeling about them. But it's even better when they're staring deeply back into your eyes... because then they are signaling that they are every bit as into you as you are into them.
Key #4: Keep Talk to a Minimum
Opinions aren't sexy. Neither is what you had for lunch yesterday, or even your thoughts on silicone breast implants or a discussion of your favorite sex position. Those are not the things that make women lust for you.
Sitting there quietly but intensely while she talks, or leading her silently but firmly through a crowd in a nightclub, or from one part of a café to another, all are things that increase sexual tension.
Talk should only be used in quantity (where you're doing most of the talking, rather than letting her do most of the talking and opinion-sharing and you're simply feeding back to her what she thinks and feels and actively listening) in situations where you want to defuse the tension.
Thus, profuse talking from you is best used:
During transition points, like going somewhere she doesn't know the destination of, or taking her to your home, where you risk having her shift emotionally along the way without topics for her to logically seize on and think about
During spontaneous escalation and manhandle kiss situations where you need to both progress things physically and emotionally, yet provide engagement for her logically to stop the different parts of her brain from going to war with each other over their differing objectives
During turnarounds where you're about to lose a girl and are instead working to get her to change her mind and stay (see: "Don't Let Her Go").
Otherwise, let her do the talking; all you need to do is stare into her eyes and listen... and lead the conversation forward with probing questions and effective deep diving, and lead the interaction forward with strong leading and consistently moving her to the next stage of things.
Key #5: Employ the Power of Suggestion
Have you ever had a woman stare you straight in the eyes and say something like, "You want me, don't you?" If so, how'd you feel?
Most likely, if you wanted her a little bit before, you wanted her a lot afterward. That's the power of suggesting.
If she doesn't you at all, of course, this will annoy her and drive her away - which is great. If she doesn't want you at all, you're not going to convince her by spending another three hours talking to her, so it's better you found out early on she wasn't interested in mating with you and bailed than it was for this to happen much further into your courtship dance.
But if she is interested in you, this serves as an amplifier for that interest - and it rockets sexual tension ahead.
Don't be afraid of using suggestion (assuming you use it properly, of course - see the articles linked to above on chase frames and sexual frames); it merely acts as a filter and an amplifier for what's already there.
Key #6: Use Touch Well
Touch's relationship with sexual tension is intriguingly diverse: you can use it to increase sexual tension quite a bit, or you can use it sparingly to this effect... you can even refrain from using it altogether.
The difference is, different ways of using touch get you different flavors of sexual tension.
Here's how they each work:
Lots of touch: hot tension. Lots of touch leads to what you might call "hot tension." This is where you and the girl have been touching a LOT, she's thinking hard about sex with you, and she very much wants it. This is the kind of tension you'll see if you play around with rapid physical escalation in dance floor game and at parties and such. There are other places you can use it - long bus rides is a great one, for instance, where you're sitting next to the girl and can be very close and very physical - but those are the primary places.
Strategic touch: excited tension. If you're hardly touching a girl, but strategically touch her here and there - you tap her stomach a few times while making a point, cup her elbow while doing so, at some point find an excuse to grab her head or one of her breasts as a demonstration of some story you're telling, or put your hand on her back as you guide her through an important transition - if it's infrequent, these can be very exciting moments for women. They raise tension substantially, and the thought that races through the girl's mind is, "Oh, wow, I think he DOES like me too! What if something happens, like... soon? Oh wow!" She becomes excited, and anticipation rapidly builds.
No touch: nervous tension. Nervous tension is the hardest to work with, but it's the best for reserved and inexperienced women, or for women who are consciously trying to control themselves (e.g., women who've decided they've had their fill of hook ups and from here on out are ONLY going to allow themselves serious relationships, despite whatever desires they might really have). This is where you increase sexual tension purely using the other keys mentioned, and don't touch her at all... until the two of you are alone together and you create the first kiss. This one's only for pros - master hot tension and excited tension before you try to pull off nervous tension, or you'll probably end up with a heck of a whole lot of nothin'.
If you're just learning sexual tension, I recommend starting out with hot tension, simply because it's the easiest to do and it generates the clearest reactions. It's also the most unstable kind of tension, however, and the most prone to blowing up in your face.
Of the three of these, excited tension is the most stable, because it leads to the most natural, comfortable, and positive sort of tension - it's not an extreme emotion that's likely to crash if you make a single mistake. The only drawback of excited tension is that it's still a bit too "obvious" for reserved women, and for the women who are "pros."
For those girls, you need to pull out your big guns (nervous
tension), but again, that one's a high-wire act I only recommend you
attempt once you're good with
the other two types of tension.
Key #7: Keep Her "Guessing"
This one ties back to #2, and it relates quite a bit with what we talked about in the post on indirect game last week, the point being, of course, that while you imply you are interested in her... you never come quite out and say it.
You can use this even with a direct opener - you simply follow up that up with all the rest of your conversation after never giving her full satisfaction about your motives. You can joke, and kid, and imply, you just can't say it outright - you'll rob her of that mystery we discussed in Key #2.
Here's what a conversation with a girl will look like when she's trying to press for an answer from a man and he's keeping her guessing (although note: once you're good at creating tension, you'll be coming across like enough of an authority figure for most women that they simply won't challenge you like this... this one's simply for demonstration purposes):
Her: So tell me... do you like me?
Him: What do you think?
Her: Well, I'm still trying to figure that out!
Him: And why's it so important to figure out?
Her: I'm just curious.
Him: I'd say you are, yes.
Her: And how about you... you're not curious if I like you?
Him: I don't need to be curious.
Her: Why not?
Him: Because I already know the answer.
Her: [laughs] So what is it?
Him: Remind me to tell you sometime.
Him: So how'd you end up here in this part of the world, anyway? You don't seem like a globe-trotting kind of girl...
It's pretty obvious to anyone with a modicum of social intelligence
that both people are attracted to one another in that conversation
there. But he "keeps her guessing"... she's not really guessing, she knows he's attracted to her too,
but his aptitude at keeping engaging banter like this on without
bending and telling her exactly what she's asking displays his social
finesse and his experience with women.
He communicates being preselected to her through this verbal dance, and it makes her want him more.
The Sexual Tension Master Key
Like my friend told me back in the day, talking about sex does not a lusty woman make. It's eliciting her lusty side, through employing the keys of sexual tension, that liberate her to be her aroused, excited self around you - and to realize that you are the one you can give her the things she's searching for in a sex partner.
Those keys, to recap, of course are:
- Remain calm in tense situations,
- Don't spill your beans,
- Use strong eye contact,
- Keep talk to a minimum,
- Employ the power of suggestion,
- Use touch well, and
- Keep her "guessing"
When you're using all of these, and you combine them with a sexy vibe, you turn yourself into a man women find completely irresistible... and the women who are "looking for something" start coming out of the woodwork, flirting with you, trying to catch your eye, trying to pique your interest.
It becomes easy.
Which is a little strange, at first, especially when you're coming from a background where sex used to be this elusive thing that most men wanted and most women didn't want to give up. Suddenly the tables have turned, and women want it from you like crazy... meanwhile, most men out there are still standing around talking about how hard it is to get women to intimacy, and you begin having a harder and harder time understanding how they can even possibly think this, or why on Earth you ever did.
You're a changed man, and the way women react to you has changed, and the
ease of having the kinds of experiences you want to have in the world has changed. It changes everything.
And the only difference between you and those guys standing there complaining bitterly about women is, you've turned yourself into a Master Key able to open many locks... while they're still milling about wondering why the door is closed to them in the first place.
Time to get unlocking.