Killer Reputation Management for Your Social Circle
Rep - yuh - tey - shuh n.
It's a four syllable word that you'll live and die by in social circle. Have a good one and all I talked about in my 'How to Escalate in Social Circle' article becomes a whooole lot easier. Have a bad one and you ain't goin' nowhere.
What is reputation?
Your reputation is simply what other people think of you insofar that it's reached some level of general consensus.
It can involve the recognition of a particular characteristic or ability. e.g. 'John is clever,' 'Samuel is socially awkward,' or, 'James is good with girls.'
While it's important not to fret over having everybody like you (as Chase just talked about in 'Why It’s Bad to Want to Be Liked Too Much'), knowing how to project a certain image and influence your own reputation is helpful in all kinds of endeavours, particularly in social circle approaching.
Reputation management is more of a general life skill more than
purely a seduction one;
having a good reputation can mean the difference between getting
a promotion or not, people helping you out or not, and lots more.
What's your social circle reputation with girls right now?
It's often the case that we remain in a social circle that stills
perceives us as the person we entered it as, and not the person
we've become after we come into contact with some personal growth
fertiliser (like this website).
I mentioned in my first social circle article how most people stay confined to certain social circles and that this can inhibit growth. It's unfortunate that when we try to change ourselves the people who offer the most resistance are the people we know the best.
They may not even do it that consciously, but think of any time you've changed something about yourself (your hair, your clothes, your taste in music, your behaviour) that doesn't necessarily gel with the perception your social group has of you, and you'll remember encountering resistance, most often in the form of semi-serious derision.
This can certainly keep one in his little box, so to speak.
So before we go onto improving your reputation in terms of girls it's important to take stock of where you are now:
If you're currently in a social circle where you aren't exactly 'hot property', then you'll probably feel a little more inert at the idea of beginning to flirt with the girls in your social circle. You'll wonder at their responses, and they might also react in a less-than-positive manner as you may be coming from the friend zone, a low level of social status or just a position that a girl 'doesn't see you that way'. Essentially, they'll see you as the person you were before you had the knowledge you do now. And if you let them they'll keep you there.
If you're already quite well-considered on the attractiveness scale (and for clarity's sake, no, I'm not talking about looks) then you'll find it a little easier to start following my guidelines, and should be managing your social circle a little better already.
If you are in the first position, how do you get yourself into consideration? How do you begin to make those girls see you in another light?
There is branching out into extended social circles and cold approach, where there are fewer preconceived notions of what you are like (and which I'll be covering in the next article on extended social circle).
But there is also another technique, one that I'll show you below, that you can use to change your reputation a bit more expeditiously.
This is where the interplay between cold approach and social circle that I've been talking about in previous articles comes to the fore.
Awakening a Dead Social Circle
You'll often be around your social circle at things like clubs, bars, parties and other miscellaneous social events.
All you need to do is begin interacting with new girls via cold approach in front of the previously unattracted existing social circle members.
There are all manner of guides on picking up a girl via cold approach on this site so it's not a lack of information that is going to stop you from pulling this move. It doesn't even have to be much. Get a few kisses here and there, even just have some good conversations with strangers and the folks in your social circle will be seeing you anew.
It really helps from a reputation management standpoint if the girls are attractive... if you are kissing/chatting to more looks-challenged girls, this won't bump you up, and may well go the other way instead ('Ew, look at the girls Chuck's chatting up now! Guess he's given up on Catherine! [laughs]').
What you are doing here (by making some public headway with pretty girls) is becoming unavailable and also preselected, which both work to make you more attractive. Do this enough and your reputation will increase and put you in greater stead to get girls from your social circle.
An Alternate Route
This is the less favourable way than cold approach preselection, as there are more complications.
For example, if you aren't that serious with a girl you shouldn't really be introducing her to your friends and whatnot as it sends the wrong signals. However, it may very well happen inadvertently, so if it does happen like that it's still nice to be aware of it's power.
What you do is take a girl whom you've met from cold approach and bring her to a social gathering where the existing social circle is going to be. It helps if she's hot. It's also helps if it isn't a first date (because taking her to a social gathering is utterly counterproductive for you and that girl prior to going to bed).
If this girl is good-looking and you maintain an unaffected mood and then go home together with her the social circle girls will begin to wonder what they were missing. Again, you're unavailable and preselected.
If you are working on your cold approach skill, these two social circle awakener’s will generally happen naturally. So even if you don't plan on actively using these techniques, if they are in a position to happen it's nice to be aware of their potency, and to be aware of how best to play them to your advantage.
You also see again how cold approach and social circle can bounce off each other to increase your reputation... and your ease of pulling girls from either.
A reputation as a saucy playboy who gets pretty girls stuck to him
like glue still isn't a whole lot of good if nobody likes you, of
So, next let's examine some reputation management guidelines that'll have you in everybody's 'good books' - guys and girls alike.
Reputation Management Post-Hook Up
In 'How to Escalate with Girls in Social Circle' we touched on the more tangible seduction phase.
Our list just below here of “Dos” and “Don'ts” now is laid out to help you take into account reputation considerations that occur mainly after a hookup. Subsequent seductions will be a lot smoother and easier if you manage this correctly.
Post-Hook Up “Dos”
Be discreet about your sexual adventures, set discretions frames as outlined in the article on escalating in social circle (you don't have keep it a total secret post hookup - these things will find their way out into the open - but it's almost always much better for your reputation if these things are coming from other people's mouths... not yours)
Cultivate a promiscuous reputation to manage a girl's boyfriend expectations (we'll go into how to do that below)
Study Ricardus' article 'How to Be a Good Lover (and Give a Girl Orgasms)' - putting in a good sexual performance is one of the most powerful reputation enhancers
Be respectful of the girl; never make her feel bad for having hooked up with you
Post-Hook Up “Don'ts”
Bad-mouth the girl
Brag crassly to anybody within the social circle about getting sexual with a social circle girl (the surest way to destroy a social circle is to go around bragging or bad mouthing a girl and/or her want to get sexual)
If you follow these guidelines then the girls will have only good things to say about you. Beauty.
What to Do If Your Escalation is Rebuffed
This has important reputation management considerations. If you get rejected and don't manage it properly it can mean a hit to the esteem you're held in.
However, if you've worked on escalating on a girl in the manner I showed you in the article on 'social circle escalation' then even if you are rejected it shouldn't be a massive public event; most people won't hear of it, if any do at all.
Still, here are some things you should do if it does happen:
Step into the 'it's no big deal' frame, after all it's not a big deal; it's social circle, so you have time and your reputation isn't static... be chill
Combine that frame with outcome independence, which will help it become 'no big deal'
Don't advance on another girl in the social circle within a close time period if there is a possibility she knows about the move on the other girl, she may shut you down because of that
Continue flirting with other lovely girls
Now, the 'no big deal' frame is simply what it sounds like. That you believe that getting temporarily walled is not a matter to get upset about.
If you do all of this you may find that the girl who 'rejected' you suddenly forgets about it some time in the not too distant future and is more receptive than ever to your advances.
Girls are funny like that.
Rebuffing Unwanted Advances Yourself
If you've implemented everything I've said so far, on occasion you will have girls try to seduce you.
This isn't too hard. And if you've ever been in the friend zone before then you've probably seen (from the other side of things) a girl managing to defuse your advances with aplomb.
Here's what to do:
Don't be harsh
Tell her that you like being friends (isn't it nice being on the other side?)
It's that simple.
If she has a more serious crush on you and tries to embroil you in an 'I like you' conversation, again just be nice and follow the same methodology.
Managing Guys and Jealousy
The simple fact is that even if you do manage your reputation expertly you may still engender that most illogical of emotions: jealousy.
The number one consideration when it comes to guys seems a fairly obvious one: don't flirt with your friends' girlfriends.
This of course seems glaringly apparent, however if your 'flirt with all girls' mode is the default way in which you interact in your social circle it can be relatively easy to slip into this automatically. Don't do it.
Now, a little trick I learned to help with this is to delineate girls in my head, between girls that are pure female friends and girls that are potential hookups. e.g. “This one is a friend so she gets my friendly interactions, this one I might want to hook up with so she gets my flirty interactions.”
It goes without saying that girls who have boyfriends (who are your friends) fall firmly into the friends camp.
Not only does this help avoid potential drama it also gives you practice at simultaneously interacting both with girls who are friends and girls who you hook up with. When you're cultivating your skills with girls one has a tendency to try and get every girl attracted to you. Don't fall into this ego-trap.
Unfortunately, when you treat a girl as a friend, but are wanted by other girls, it'll often make her want you more than ever (I'm sure a lot of guys have all kinds of insight into the psychology of that). The important thing though is that the flirtatious nature of the interaction isn't coming from your end nor is encouraged by your end. This means you can defend yourself with a clear conscious and the support of others. You should be able to say with a mighty conviction, “I would never, ever hook up with a friend's girlfriend, nor would I encourage the thought.”
Now, there is also the situation of having a friend who likes a girl, but where the girl likes you and not him. For this situation it's helpful to have agreements between your close friends. Something like this is a really good one - “If you say like a girl, the other guys give you a window to go after her, but if you're rejected then she's open to others.”
That's really simple and you'll find it speaks to most guys' senses of fairness and logicality.
With guys who aren't really close friends you can't really be expected to have an agreement. You'll more often come across this situation in extended social circle, but basically if he doesn't have any type of legitimate claim to her (for example, if he was kissing her two seconds ago) then I treat this situation as 'may the best man win.'
And from there, it's game on.
Break Out the Extinguisher: If Drama Does Arise
While you'll ideally have done everything you can to mitigate it, it's
possibility that drama occurs in your circle. You'll find that as you rise socially,
you'll have more
people talking about you and potentially more 'haters'.
The important thing is to rise above people talking about you. You can take it as an indication of the emotional effect you have on them.
The 'no big deal' frame and not taking anything too seriously should help immensely with this particular situation. Basically anything that people say flippantly you shouldn't really worried about; most people will be with you anyway.
If you spend your time overreacting to every perceived slight, you'll tire yourself out with useless negative emotion.
Having said that, if people do bad mouth you unreasonably it's totally fine to tell them where to go. Like I said, you get into trouble in a personal sense if you want everybody to like you. If you have acted in line with your morals, been a good friend and treated girls well, the only real reason people will badger you is because of jealousy. So if they're unreasonable, tell them off and close them down. You don't need to be aggressive. But be firm. Chase has a very solid post on dealing with people using emotional arguments against you here: 'Brain Hacks: Using Moral Superiority to Turn Arguments.'
The true power of social circle reputation management lies in managing your sexual reputation.
This is likely the most powerful attraction-creating element of social circle. So it's worth paying attention. I toyed whether to put part of this in the 'Social Circle Escalation' article but decided to put it all here given it mostly pertains to reputation.
I listed above that one should study Ricardus' sex guide so that one can have a really fantastic sex experience. Believe you me, this WILL get talked about among the girls of the social group. This is the strongest form of preselection by a country mile.
Implied sexual preselection, the kind you get by telling a story about sex, is a strong way of getting attraction, but imagine girls within a social circle that know and trust each other talking about your sexual performance after you've rocked the socks off one of them. One is the handgun of sexual preselection... and the other is the howitzer.
A Little Story
When I was overseas recently I had a girl from my immediate social circle speaking to another from my extended social circle as we left a club. They were both looking at me. They were speaking French (they were French), and seeing as I don't speak French I asked them what they were talking about.
The girl from my immediate social circle informed me that she was telling the other girl that she should go home with me because I am amazing in bed. I don't know if the second girl had even considered it yet, we'd only met briefly... but there you go. You can imagine what happened next.
Now, that's not to say that the handgun of sexual preselection, sex talk, isn't a useful tool as well. I've found it to be a really savvy thing to do to bump up attraction. In fact if you combine them, as in you tell a sex story to girls who have heard of your sexual exploits from other girls then, as you can imagine, your stocks go through the roof.
However, the girls don't need to have heard from other girls of your sexual prowess for sex talk to be effective; it's still something you should do regardless.
So what do we do to cultivate our sexual reputation?
Your frame is sex and sex talk is 'no big deal'; you need to be confident about this
Have great sex with the girls you bed in your social circle (if it doesn't work out that way, doesn't matter, remember, as with anything else 'it's no big deal')
Tell sex stories – be contextual, be tasteful, don't involve names, make it as much about the girls' enjoyment as you can
That's about all you need to do.
One more thing that you should accentuate in terms of your sexual reputation is something that will help you manage girls' expectations so they'll be less likely to get attached. This is really important. Here's how you do it:
Avoid serious 'what is this relationship' conversations playfully
Flirt with all girls
Set frames like 'I don't do monogamous relationships', 'I don't believe in claims and ownership', 'I don't like to get bogged down', 'I like my freedom', 'I prefer no strings-attached' etc. Basically anything along this line is great
The great thing about this is that if you do find a girl you want to get more serious with, it's quite easy to go from the promiscuous, hook-up-with-all-the-hot-girls guy to the boyfriend guy. Doing it the other way around, on the other hand, is markedly harder.
Killer Reputation Management
That's it for the piece on reputation. But here's a quick wrap:
Reputation is the consensus of opinion about you in a given group
You can increase your attractiveness in a stagnant immediate social circle by actively or passively engaging in one of our two Dead Social Circle Awakeners, both of which tap into the power of preselection to get girls who viewed you as platonic to start viewing you as something more
There are reputation considerations after a hook up which help you increase your reputation; namely, be respectful, be discrete, give girls great sex, don't brag, don't bad-mouth the girl and don't two-time within one social group
If your escalation is rebuffed fall into the 'it's no big deal' frame and combine that with outcome independence and flirting with other girls to make it stick
If a girl escalates on you but you aren't keen on her explain that you prefer her as a friend
Don't hit on the girlfriends of your friends and delineate between friend-girls and hookup-girls
Set a rule with guy close guy friends about going after girls to mitigate jealousy issues
Let people talk about you, you don't need everybody to like you, but if people are unreasonably rude tell them where to go
Sexual preselection within a social circle is the strongest attraction-creator of social circle - play upon it by managing your sexual reputation; give good sex, believe that sex is no big deal and tell enthralling, tasteful sex tales
Finally, cultivate a reputation as a promiscuous, no-strings-attached guy to manage girls' boyfriend expectations
Now, this should be studied with the piece on 'Social Circle Escalation' as the two work in tandem. I said at the end of the last article that you should see it all coming together and I hope that's been the case. If you get all of these things going for you, you can't help but become an attractive social circle force.
I've got one more article up my sleeve in this series on social
In the final article of this series I'll be going through extended social circle. This will be of particular importance to those who don't currently have a lot of attractive girls in their social circles; I'll teach you the best ways to go out and extend yours to include those sought-after pretty girls.
'Til then, pals,
The social circle series continues in "Tapping Your Social Circle to Meet Loads More Girls."
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