I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em | Girls Chase

I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em

cut contactA couple of fellas have asked on here about cutting contact recently. Here's Matt's comment from the article entitled "Your Mental Model is Flawed":

Can you explain cut off marks (ie, cutting off contact with a girl... say if she doesn't sleep with you or is not responding well) in more detail? You've talked about that before in several posts, how now if a girl does not sleep with you on the first date, you usually end things with her and are not going to up forth the effort because you have many other options. Do you just delete her number? Richardus talks about keeping "bad" numbers and then firing off texts to all of them in the future and see who bites. What's your opinion?

Maybe a more nuanced guide of cut off marks for every level (beginner, intermediate, advanced) would be helpful. Also I'm a little confused about how persistance seems to contradict this. Hopefully I've made some sense!

Matt

Sure thing, Matt.

This is kind of a delicate issue. It's an issue that normally, you want to treat with tenderness, care, and kid gloves.

You kind of want to walk people through it... guide them, kindly and gradually, you might say... help them understand things without being too harsh, or abrasive.

You know... easy on the offensiveness.

Unfortunately, we're going to tackle this one how I want to tackle it: like gangbusters, with a sledgehammer and steel-tipped shoes.

So here we go.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Balla's picture

What up Chase!, I want to shout you out for the B.I.G. Quote. That's real stuff right there. I had the mind of an advance guy but my skills are In between beginner and intermedate , guess i was too quick too replace em haha. Anyway, I have quite a few questions.

1. Just curious but how do you sleep with a girls friend or relative, if you've slept with the girl or were talking to before? I always wondered how guys do this.

2. About Facebook, everytime I look at people's pages I get this overwhelming feeling and insecurity. My heart beats fast, I get excited and my palms sweat. Idk why it creeps me out. Can you explain why I feel like that? I also compare my self to them and I feel insecure, I think of them as being of so much high status and better than me with the fake persona they show. How can I stop feeling insecure, stop thinking highly of them, and not care about having 1000's of friends and comments?

3. How can you pursue a woman for 2 months if attraction has an Experation date? It's very hard for me to understand how you can get together with a girl if her attraction expires as fast as you say and I think 2 months of Pursuing she obviously doesn't want you. Please explain how you can pursue for 2 months and not have attraction expire? And how do you pursue without chasing?

4. What if a girl you just started talking to or even any girl gives you an excuse? Should you call her out in a calm way and tell her you understand because y'all just met? How do you handle the excuses with new and old girls?

Thanks Chase!

Peace,
Balla

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Balla,

On friends / relatives, it’s more about simply maintaining flirtation and sexual interest, and then setting things up when the moment’s right. You’ll often find that a girl’s friends and relatives will be a lot warmer to you than a stranger is, especially if your girl is the more dominant one in the hierarchy – women lower than her in the same hierarchy will be attracted to whomever she’s dating. There’s actually a lot of mate-poaching among women from lower to higher, and a lot of high-ranking females cut ties with mate-poaching subordinates as the years go by… it’s a big part of why women fight so much and why many stronger women end up not having many female friends (too much mate-poaching by them).

Re: Facebook, you may just have to do it yourself. When I was on Facebook, I spent time going around, getting pictures of me with hot girls in parties and clubs, cool pictures of me on beaches and ruins and monuments around the world, and getting good at writing cool comments. By the time you get to be a Facebook superstar, you’re kind of over it and you realize how little impact it has in real life outside of Facebook. It’s exactly the same as building a really powerful character in a video game: super cool and effective in that environment, but useless anywhere other than in that game.

On 2 months for beginners, well… I’d rather tell guys less than that, but we need to be realistic, and when you’re still a beginner and not meeting many women – and every new girl is still a big deal – it’s unrealistic to think you can just cut a girl off after 2 weeks of trying and move on. 2 months seems to be about the right balance for a beginner who’s still getting out there and meeting women – he should have enough prospects after 2 months that he can walk away after 2 months of not getting anywhere with one of them and focus his time on newer girls instead.

Excuses – well, that depends a lot on the excuse! But I’ll put it down to do a post on. For now though, see the one on dealing with objections – not exactly the same, but the philosophy is very similar:

Secrets to Getting Girls: Addressing Women's Objections

Chase

Vaughn 's picture

Hey chase, you think girls liked biggie for money or did he really have tight game? If so how can I get game like that?

I want to know how you deal with low self esteem chase, I read your article on confidence and about you having to keep approaching and having success to get the confidence. My problem is I have low self worth and I keep defeating myself. Like, what if i need a good job for to get her, what if she rejects me, or I need a good car, or have this or be this etc.

I worry about other men in women's lives and how can I be better than them and not always compare myself to them?

How to have the winner effect if you don't win?

And one more question, a girl Compared me to her mother by saying "If it was my mother... "And telling me how she would help me out and even risk her job. Idk if this is good or bad. It sounds good, all I did was make the girl invest, I didn't do anything to become a fixture at all, I don't provide her any value, so I guess it's good let me know your take on that.

Thank you!!!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Vaughn,

Big did have a charismatic personality, but if you look at chicks he was with before he had fame and money (e.g., his first baby’s mama), they weren’t all that great looking (although they apparently still had cool personalities). It’s hard to overcome being very obese, even with good game. Once he had some fame to work with, and had his musical talents on display on the radio, he was flying; he married Faith and had another kid with her, with plenty of women on the side… Lil’ Kim supposedly was pregnant with Big’s child as well, but aborted, only to regret it later. They were friends before he blew up, not sure if they got together before or after he made it big. Biggie was a good guy, very focused on bringing up the folks who supported him when he made it and not forgetting where he came from, and very cognizant of the fact that fame is fleeting. Even in the midst of his stardom, he was planning for when that would all fade away, which is rare among successful people, and even rarer on those coming from poor backgrounds. A real shame he didn’t get to live a longer life.

Self-worth and rejection – you’ve just got to do it and take the rejections until you don’t care anymore and actually start hearing “yes”es. Get some self-worth out of rejection… if you can’t say to yourself, “You know what? I’m going to be sitting in a corner feeling bad for myself until I can muster up the balls to go get some rejections under my belt and start actually doing something,” you’ll be paralyzed forever. When I was new, I really started to enjoy rejections… at last, I was DOING something! And then, every now and then, you’ll get a girl who DOESN’T reject you… and you’ll think, “Whoa, what? I went in there gunning for another rejection, and actually got a DATE! That’s even BETTER!”

Define rejections as winning (winning some experience, that is), and you’ll begin to improve. You don’t get better until you start exposing your brain to the situations and patterns it needs to learn.

So, go collect some rejections.

On the mother comment… not sure I understand, on that one. Anything people say that you don’t understand, just tell them you don’t understand, and ask for an explanation. Your understanding will grow exponentially, the more you stop people and ask them to tell you what they’re talking about whenever you aren’t sure.

Chase

Xeno's picture

Hi Chase, You've helped me stabilize my approach towards women. Not only have I been on more dates than ever, but more importantly I am developing a stronger, more enduring sense of calm throughout my entire life. Much thanks!

Great article. I would love to hear more about your approach towards developing a center or purpose. This is the greatest obstacle I face and I suspect that with this in place everything else would naturally align, including my relations toward women. Problem is, it seems almost as if a center has to find me, rather than me choosing a center.

Also, if I may be so bold, one practical question about cutting contact. After two months and not getting a girl, do you recommend a really hard push at the end of that period, where the man comes clean and is transparent with his feelings? The girl I like sometimes allows herself to be led and other times does not. She also flashes really great moments of interest but then goes cold. She's 21, never had a lover and morally very conservative. My hope is that by making my feelings explicit and clear (telling her "I like you," rather than trying to express interest through action), I will get over the hump and if it doesn't work, nothing lost.

Thanks again Chase! Hope you're well!
Xeno

Franco's picture

Hey Xeno,

Under no circumstances should you come clean to a girl like that, especially if she's already going cold on you to begin with. If you REALLY want to make it so she never talks to you again, then that would be the exact way to do it. It will remove any little intrigue that she might have about you, and it will firmly put you in the "one-down" position. You don't want to be there.

A solid period of NC (no contact) followed by sending her an unexpected text that quickly leads to asking her for a coffee or drink is probably your best. If this fails, then I would move on. She might contact you at some point down the road, but you might find that you aren't interested in her anymore at that point anyway.

Hope this helps!

- Franco

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Xeno,

That’s fantastic to hear. You’re certainly welcome for any help I’ve provided, but of course, all I’ve done is light the way a little more – any roads you’ve made it down, you walked them.

Noted on the article on purpose/center. I’ve had a few folks ask about this one, and something along these lines is in the works.

On making a hard push with a girl immediately before cutting contact – generally speaking, nothing wrong with this. While you for sure don’t want to do an emotions dump (which I think is what Franco was afraid you meant), if you’re going to cut contact with her anyway and move on, then is the time you want to try whatever outlandish / crazy / cutting edge stuff you have that you want to take a shot at and not worry about using on a girl you have a stronger chance on.

So, I’ve had girls I was about to cut contact with that I’ve said things like, “Look, I like you, I think you’re really cool, but it seems like we’re pulling apart and going different directions, and I don’t want that to happen, but it might be happening anyway. So I’m going to ask you to come with me, and you can say ‘no,’ and you can go home, and go live your life, and I’ll go live mine, and we’ll probably both be fine either way, but I’m going to ask you to take a chance and really live for once in your life. Come with me.”

And I’ve had girls I was about to cut contact with that I’ve said things like, “Look, I dig you, and I think you dig me, at least a little bit, but we’re stuck in quick sand here, and I’m a guy who’s moving fast in every area of his life – work, money, projects, success, women, dating, romance, friendships, everything. And I can’t keep hanging around here in the quick sand, and I don’t think you’re exactly having the time of your life here either, I think it’s just what you’re used to and you don’t know how to get out of it. So you can take this vine I’m throwing you and try breaking out of it, or you can hang out in the quick sand and try and grab other guys’ ankles walking by and drag them in with you, it’s your choice. Want to come with me, or want to, like, hang out here in the quick sand?”

Sometimes these things work, and sometimes it’s just a lost cause. But it’s always a lot of fun to try, so if you’re legitimately going to throw your hands up on a girl and cut contact, try something crazy, push your limits a little, and see if you can learn something new.

Chase

Franco's picture

I agree with everything Chase mentioned above. If you want to try more of a "hard push" and really try to get her to follow your lead, then that could work. Just don't do an "emotions dump," as Chase puts it. It really comes across as weak and unattractive. I've done it before, and I've never ONCE had success with it. Ever.

Either way, good luck my friend!

- Franco

Funman's picture

Hi Chase,

Incredible post again. You continue to impress your readers.

1) Should I delete the sweet emails she had sent to me?
2) What is your opinion about Old pictures of your ex?
3) What should a guy do with the cards he received from her?
4) Would you contact your ex on her birthday to wish her happy birthday?

Sincere thanks,

Funman

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Funman,

No need to delete old emails, unless you find yourself reading them obsessively / thinking about them all the time. Otherwise… just let them disappear into your email archives as new emails come in to replace them. Sometimes its nice getting sweet emails from a girl you’re not spending time or energy on anymore – you can view them the same way that women view their male friends who send THEM sweet, gooey emails.

Old pictures – so long as you aren’t looking at them, you’re fine. Again, if you can’t stop looking at them, you probably need to get rid of them. I travel a lot, so the only pictures I have are digital ones, and pictures of my exes are buried in my (very full) computers / inboxes. I’d have to really look to find them if I tried.

Cards – my philosophy on cards is read them, smile, then throw them away. This is kind of painful to do if you’re high empathy – it feels sort of like you’re insulting the person who’s card you discard, or like you don’t care. But you can’t save every knickknack you get – read the card, say “thank you” when you see the person, or call or email a “thanks,” then discard it and keep moving. Otherwise, you’ll need a box just for all the cards people send you, and it’s probably a box you’ll never look through ever again, you’ll just add things to it.

Re: wishing happy birthday – once you’re outside the no contact blackout, yes, absolutely. The two of you were close, she was probably a good friend, and staying in touch at least to wish happy birthday is perfectly fine. Just make sure you do it via a “real” contact medium, like phone or email, and not sending a birthday social media post or anything cursory like that – that almost feels like an insult when you get those from people you thought you were close with.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Gold. This is excellent. Thank you for another life changer!

Maxz's picture

Ugh!!!! Wish you wrote this up the other day Chase before I fell off the wagon. I texted a girl I knew I shouldn't have texted this past week, of cause she ignored my text. She knows I'm Chasing after her even after she let me know she had a boyfriend and had stopped responding to my texts months ago.

I caught wind of her on a friends Facebook page and that moment of weakness doomed me. I would advise everyone here to delete their Facebook accounts. Facebook is totally a crass invention that makes men weak and turn into potential stalkers. I so hate that crap.

Thanks Chase, another epic write up that reminds men never to chase women.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

I love the choice of terminology there, Maxz. But yes - that's exactly what it is. It's giving into an addiction you know you shouldn't, but sometimes almost can't help yourself from.

Anyway, enough bad experiences like that, and your brain figures out this isn't a winning strategy... it just takes a little time.

Chase

CP's picture

Hey Chase, this post is pretty timely for me.

Friday I went out with this great girl: beautiful and we had a lot in common. I've texted her a few times but she hasn't gotten back to me, my last text was this, borrowed by one of your other posts:

"[girls name], seems you're super busy right now; totally understandable. I'll leave the ball in your court -- let me know when your schedule clears up a bit and you can do lunch / dinner / drinks, etc. Hope we hang soon!"

And as much as I like her and like to see her again, I won't go crazy if she never get's back to me because I went on a great date the follow day, and got physically closer with this girl.

I also have dates lined up for the rest of the week. Having an abundance mindset makes it so much easier when a great girl goes MIA.

As a guy in the beginner to intermediate stages I just wanted to share this little story.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey CP-

Sounds like you're in a good place right now. This is hardest when you're coming up against different levels of scarcity - the beginner's lack of any abundance (if he cuts this girl off, when's he going to meet ANOTHER girl that he's actually had a good text conversation with??), the intermediate/advanced guy's lack of absolute abundance (all these other girls are great... but how many INCREDIBLE girls like THIS one is he ever going to meet??).

From the look of things, I'd say you're probably rounding that first corner, or you've already rounded it. That's the toughest one - once you've got enough easy access to women in your life, it makes things a lot easier all the way around.

Chase

studentofthegame's picture

Great post Chase.I wanted to know if you have a post in physical escalation in places like cars and alleys and bathroom.like how do you proceed through this?

Also what is the way to break up with a girl and girls I'm no longer interested in?I don't want to hurt the girl I want to know how to do it in a way that's not offensive and in a way that we can still be friends.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Student,

On escalation, I don't have anything there specifically (and I'd presume you've seen the other posts on physical escalation), but normally you'll either begin with a wall slam and passionate makeouts, or by grabbing her and kissing her neck very passionately and going from there.

On breaking up, see this post:

Let a Girl Down the Right Way

Chase

Brentwoodbam's picture

Glad to say I've already started applying this to flakes and chick's who aren't beneficial to what i'm looking to gain from the relations. Most of the blog posts I have read hinted at this, but I'm glad you really laid out the process in this post. Keep it up, good sir.

Thanks,
Brentwood

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Good to hear it, Brentwood. You should quickly see a lot of time and mental energy getting freed up as a result - it's one of those things that brings a lot of instant "win" to the table.

Chase

Knight's picture

While we're on song lyrics - this is my new favourite from A$AP ROCKY's "PMW" song.

"Pause a little bit, I gotta little advice
If you fucked her once, then you could fuck her twice"

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Knight-

Yeah, that's GREAT advice. I don't like to go around espousing that, because it's a little on the cruder side, but one of the immutable laws of sexual escalation is "get your penis in her vagina." It doesn't matter how uncomfortable the situation is for escalation, or anything else; crossing that boundary is of the utmost importance. A guy who escalated clumsily and uncomfortably in a nightclub bathroom or the backseat of his car and managed to penetrate his girl while she was excited and receptive can usually then stop, take her home, and easily sleep with her in the comfort of his bed, whereas a guy who starts escalating, stops before he reaches that point, then takes her home because he doesn't want to have sex until it's comfortable will often he find he can't reach that point again at all.

So, might be crude to say, but it's a lynchpin of rapid escalation - "get inside her while you can!"

Chase

Knight's picture

So, I'm pretty sure some of you read that 'The man that waits is left with little' post I made the other night. This girl with lots of abundancy mentality and I moved on pretty fast in developing a strong attraction together. I did everything how I wanted, it was crazy being that person you see in movies who can control everyone. She even admitted her attraction to me directly, which was cool but I played it cool without making a scene. Anyway, the next day I saw her for around five minutes and then left because I'm quite busy. I didn't text until four days later (which was a mistake, I should of capitalised on it earlier but wanted to do it in person - which was not available to me as an option because of my circumstances). Anyhow, text was short and sweet as usual but I got a reply that she had moved away, to another city that day and she didn't tell me earlier because she was worried she had done something wrong and found it weird that I hadn't talked to her earlier. I was taken back in real life but sent two moderately sized texts saying if she gets a chance to come back and also that I was sorry that events were out of control and that I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I could tell she was upset and somewhat hurt as she said there was no way to see me except for maybe in a fortnight. Chase, do I have to cut ties with this one? I've made her a very good friend and will keep her around, as she has motivated me a lot and is very charismatic. I haven't texted since I told her I was busy, and that it wasn't her fault. I'm trying to let her emotions fade, and in maybe a few weeks tell her to come back - which might happen because she's already said it and she has family down here.

This post sounds kind of needy like she's 'the one' I don't feel this way about any women anymore but I do want a chance to take her to bed and make our relationship a very strong one. Do you recommend I leave her alone and not make any effort to get into contact, or in a week or two send her a text like I would normally somewhat along the lines of 'Hey, hope your weeks been great. We should catch up - what's your schedule like?' or use something along the lines of your hard push?
“Look, I like you, I think you’re really cool, but it seems like we’re pulling apart and going different directions, and I don’t want that to happen, but it might be happening anyway. So I’m going to ask you to come with me, and you can say ‘no,’ and you can go home, and go live your life, and I’ll go live mine, and we’ll probably both be fine either way, but I’m going to ask you to take a chance and really live for once in your life. Come with me.”

I'll work it out by myself if need be, but I'm wondering if anyone could give me some advice. I want the second chance - ten minutes i'm giving myself if it does happen to get intimate. No mucking around this time.

Edit: We got into some good kissing three times that night but because of some circumstances on the night I couldn't get her into bed - It would of been possible but I didn't capitalise when I should of because I knew I had forgotten some essentials on the night and decided not to risk it. It was a choice on my part. The next day she commented that she had an extremely great time, so I don't think I hurt her by not taking her.

Thanks.

- Knight

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Knight,

Any time you get a big space of time interjecting itself into what was otherwise something on the fast track you're in some trouble. I'd probably skip texting her, and instead do a phone call once a week or so for anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes (depending on how things go).

You're probably out of lover territory and into boyfriend territory at this point, which means things are going to go more slowly, but you can still potentially make it happen if you make her feel secure enough. I wouldn't cut her off unless it starts approaching one of your hard limits - it's only been a few weeks that you've known this girl, right? No need for anything too dramatic, she sounds like she likes you a good deal, just keep in touch with calls every now and again, and plan to see her when she gets back. It isn't certain you'll get together, but you might be able to pull it off - just try not to let your emotions get the better of you, as turnarounds are wont to make happen...

Chase

kurdo's picture

I've noticed quite a few comments about the use of Facebook. I realize that the use and popularity of this social networking website has been so widely spread across the the majority of the population in the west, let alone the rest of the world.

In university nowadays, I see students use Facebook like its a new drug. I see many students using Facebook off their smart phones during lectures and theory class, then complain why they don't understand anything. It's become such an addictive aspect of their lives, not to mention how so easily reachable it is, just under their fingertips. It also serves as a great social device for stalkers, especially exes and people that are your enemy in real life but your friend on facebook. All I see is people trying to impress those they don't like and those they don't know. If that's not insanity than I don't know what is.

Me being a current facebook user, have a different approach of using this social sharing website. Since I don't watch tv (I cut it off at age 19, when I finally moved into my own place), I try to still get my daily dose of news (and I mean real news, not the propaganda you hear on tv). I find that knowing what's truly going on in the world is crucial for my existence, as I believe in oneness with every human being. I like/subscribe pages, that deliver up to date information in the categories I find vital for me to educate myself in. These categories consist of Politics (straight to the point, with raw material and links with proof that contradict what the masses are told from watching cable tv), underground hip hop, revolution of the mind, Healthy life style - bodybuilding information, everyday inventions, natural remedies for cures without the use of antibiotics and drugs, latest psychological studies and discoveries on society and the human conscious, brain and so on. I wake up early in the morning and spend an hour going over if not all, most of the information and updates I see on my news-feed, than I bookmark whatever links I see as beneficiary to my progress for later reference, than log out and go about my daily lifestyle. In my opinion it is one of the easiest and most effective ways to stay up to date with the things I deem important as an individual. But just to make things clear, I dont only rely on Facebook to deliver me all the knowledge that I need for improvement. I also read books, watch documentaries and read blogs like this.

On the friends aspect of using Facebook, I simply modify my news-feed settings to only receive updates of the pages or friends that are beneficial or neutral to my well being (I don't see 95% of what my friends post, cause it's mostly egocentric and personal information that doesn't do me any good) That means cutting out all those attention seekers out there, who love cracking up jokes or personal cynical stuff like " I need a girlfriend ASAP" or "I'm having fun with my boyfriend" or "going to work fml"or even stuff like "God save all the innocent children killed by drones" but when you check out their page, you see them posting stuff hypocritical to what they present. Also in the mating game, as Chase said - it doesn't do you any good, since you've got to continually compete with others to make yourself look like a rock-star as if your life is oh so much more interesting. It's all deceiving and I refuse to take part in it.

I believe you can attract the beneficial or non beneficial aspects of anything in life. Its all a matter of how you use it and for what means. I'd love to hear your take on this Chase. I know your not a firm believer in the use of social media websites, but I wonder if you ever took this approach in consideration.

Kurdo

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Kurdo,

You sound like a very balanced guy, who's able to keep control on his Facebook browsing habits. Which is both impressive and commendable.

We had a discussion on the boards about differing levels of addictiveness among different personality types (conversation is here). My point was that basically some people are highly addictive, others are non-addictive, and most people are somewhere in the middle. I'd guess you to be someone who's in possession of a not-terribly-addictive personality, right?

For people more prone to addiction, the cost in mental energy to resist addictive impulses tends to become too great, and they're not able to say "no" when accessing something is too easy. So I'd say "it depends" to the question of whether you can moderate an addictive influence (like Facebook, or drinking, or whatever), largely on how susceptible you are to addiction.

For some people, they really need to just get completely away from something, and even destroy its ability to hold sway on them. For others, addiction's never much of a problem, and they can be around things that addicted more addictive people and stay unaffected.

With that sort of thing, go based off of the impact it's having on your life - if it's sucking up time and giving nothing back and you can't control that, you need to get off it. However, if you can use it more conscientiously, as you seem to be, and not be constantly tempted and worn down to go Facebook stalking, you can probably use it perfectly well and not suffer the negative effects.

Chase

KING SINCERE ALLAH's picture

CHASE!!! you're mackadocious!

Jered's picture

Hi chase,

This article is awesome! Thanks for writing it! My problem is that usually when I cut contact, the girl would try to reach out to me again or when we run into each other shed try to talk to me. I believe this is probably attention seeking, how would you deal with cases where you've cut contact in search of greener pasture yet a girl tries to contact you again?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jered-

Typically speaking, it's best to keep your responses very short and matter of fact, and to space out your replies. If you reply quickly and/or in detail, she'll think she "has" you and can start rotating you back into the friend zone.

If you run into her, say hi, and keep conversation polite but not engaged, similar to how you'd be if you ran into someone you kind of knew and were being nice to but didn't really care to have in your life to any great extent.

The subcommunication here should be, "Hey, I'm being polite, but I really don't have time for this anymore, sorry," (obviously, don't actually say that).

Chase

Tounknown's picture

Hi Chase,

Great post Chase! I predict the number of youtube views for that music video to increase tremendously.

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase!

First off, I love your blog! Your articles are spot on and I am so impressed by how you seamlessly integrate relevant research with your own wisdom. I wish you would write one for women. However, I was a little discouraged by this article. While I agree that people need to get a life and move on after rejection, I am a little concerned that this article moves into trite 'player' territory. For example, Matt's letter suggested that you cut a woman off if she won't sleep with you on the first date... that cuts out a lot of good women, including me! If all guys thought like this, I'd never get a boyfriend (or laid) again!
(also, it should be noted, many men claim they 'won't date' a girl who will have sex on the first date, so you can't blame us for taking it slow)

While I agree that the 'replace' mentality is efficient for picking up large quantities of women in a short time, I think it limits the quality of the women. I can categorically say, that there is a strong correlation between a woman's desirability status and the extent to which she will require a man to chase or demonstrate interest/value. As an attractive female, I get a lot of attention from men, and the "chase" is a crucial prerequisite for my decision making process. Whats more, while it does require men to run the risk of failure, I think the uncertainty and challenge can be fun for everyone involved.

Like most women I know, my physical and emotional attraction needs time to develop before I am ready to progress things. Even if a guy is super hot and great, it will require time and exposure for me to learn that, and warm up to him. It is a fact that people value things they worked hard for more than things that they got easily. Plain and simple, sex is hotter if you had to wait for it. I think I speak for many women when I say that the discipline of abstaining is incredible foreplay. Luckily there are enough guys out there who are willing to put in the work. But, if he gives up early, it's an opportunity wasted.

Second, "The Chase" is my deliberate screening mechanism for 'players'. I mean absolutely no offense by this, but I'm never going to sleep with guys who ascribe to the logic in this article, partly because they will disappear before I even have the chance. But its ok, because if they are willing to give up quickly, then they weren't that into me to begin with. (hence the 'screening' effect")

I instinctively assume that you'll agree that there is a DEGREE of chasing that signals confidence, interest, and is appropriate and not desperate. I hope you will write an article addressing this!

I hope to hear from you!
-georgia

sidebar: I can't say I agree with the notion that women 'replace' faster than men. The vast majority of the dysfunctional/failure in the relationships/hookups I see arise from men being less invested in the relationship than women. To me this sounds like a rationalization to act in an ungentlemanly manor..... just saying.

Anonymous's picture

The matrix is strong in this one

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon–

The different kinds of resistance is actually a pretty deep topic – I’ll try and get a post up on it soon. There’s a lot of nuance in it.

But, suffice it to say that “speed to bed” isn’t necessarily indicative of future fidelity, so much as it is indicative of the size of the gap in the experience levels of the two partners (not always, but much of the time).

“Easiness” is really more of a sliding scale – how “easy” a woman is is actually more a determination of how varied her criteria are for a sexy man she’d hook up with fast.

For instance, one girl may ONLY have one-night stands with very handsome men with cutting humor, impeccable dress, who ooze sexy and aren’t remotely qualified to be boyfriends and whom her friends will never find out about. All other men she makes wait until they’ve taken her on at least six dates before they have sex the first time.

How easy is she? Well, that depends on which one of those men you are – it’s an entirely subjective rating (because neither the man who beds her fast nor the man who beds her slow likely ever has a completely full picture of her sexual history and inclinations).

The better indicator of partner count / fidelity likelihood I find to be the KIND of resistance women present. If it’s nervous, uncertain, frightened resistance, she’s a genuinely sexually inexperienced woman and actually is “hard to get.” All other kinds of resistance – e.g., annoyed / irritated / uncomfortable resistance, or calm / dismissive / in-control resistance – are signs of a sexually experienced woman who knows what the deal is, wants something specific from a man, and is going to do what she thinks she needs to do to best get that from him (whether that be a relationship or a friendship).

I agree that from the woman’s point of view it’s generally better to make sex happen as late as possible, to screen out less attracted men and to ensure that the men she gets are highly invested in her prior to sex (and thus view sex with her as some incredibly difficult to get thing, and thus highly valuable). However, from the man’s point of view, the opposite is true, and it’s better to have sex happen as SOON as possible to screen out the less attracted women and to ensure that the women he gets are making exceptions to their normal behavior for him (and thus view sex with him as something they gave up faster to him than anyone else, and thus he must be highly valuable).

There is an inherent tension between the sexes over sex – generally though, the more experienced person “wins” (or, if the two are too close in experience levels, they simply don’t get together).

Anyway, I’ll get an article on this up.

Chase

Shakey's picture

Hi Chase !
You site is amazing and a true eye-opener ! I just finished my high school. Sad to say I have had a totally unproductive and boring life till now . I am slightly overweight and quite low on self-esteem . Your site has brought hope in my life . Till recently I was in depression about wasting away my life. Now I am just waiting for entrance into a college so I can start using your advice . I just wanted to thank you :)
-shakey

Anonymous's picture

This is great advice. I'm female and use it on men all the time. If I don't get what I want within 2 encounters, you're gone.

The best strategy for women is to treat men the way men treat women. It's never failed, and keeps things clear and in the open, and me safe, well fucked, and heart-free.

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