I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em

cut contactA couple of fellas have asked on here about cutting contact recently. Here's Matt's comment from the article entitled "Your Mental Model is Flawed":

Can you explain cut off marks (ie, cutting off contact with a girl... say if she doesn't sleep with you or is not responding well) in more detail? You've talked about that before in several posts, how now if a girl does not sleep with you on the first date, you usually end things with her and are not going to up forth the effort because you have many other options. Do you just delete her number? Richardus talks about keeping "bad" numbers and then firing off texts to all of them in the future and see who bites. What's your opinion?

Maybe a more nuanced guide of cut off marks for every level (beginner, intermediate, advanced) would be helpful. Also I'm a little confused about how persistance seems to contradict this. Hopefully I've made some sense!


Sure thing, Matt.

This is kind of a delicate issue. It's an issue that normally, you want to treat with tenderness, care, and kid gloves.

You kind of want to walk people through it... guide them, kindly and gradually, you might say... help them understand things without being too harsh, or abrasive.

You know... easy on the offensiveness.

Unfortunately, we're going to tackle this one how I want to tackle it: like gangbusters, with a sledgehammer and steel-tipped shoes.

So here we go.

cutting contact

I don't chase 'em, I replace 'em.
And if I'm carressin' 'em, I'm undressin' 'em.

- The Notorious B.I.G.

The above quote is from a song entitled "One More Chance," from Biggie's debut album, Ready to Die.

When I was a teenager, I swore off music entirely. It was too much the same as everyone else... everybody had their own groups, or singers, or bands.

The popular girls liked Hootie and the Blowfish. The nerdy girls liked TLC. The guys back then who'd probably be classified now as "hipster" (I have no idea what you would've called them in those days though) were into the Dave Matthews Band. I never really cared either way about DMB, personally, until I had a roommate freshman year of college who was the worst roommate of all time, and he incessantly played Dave Matthews, who cried out about being in the warehow-ouse almost every night in our room. From then on, Dave Matthews was my sworn enemy, and I worked to undermine his support every chance I got.

Anyway, when I premiered Chase Amante 2000 (in 1999, actually), I decided that I should start listening to some sort of music that would suit my new, hardcore image. I was wearing leather jackets. I traded my eyeglasses in for a pair of contacts. I had a sporty red sedan, that maybe wasn't the coolest car, but it was the coolest one I could both find and afford in town.

And I decided to start listening to hard rock and rap.

I didn't really have an artist that was my artist, until I bought my first rap CD. It was a copy of Ready to Die, by the Notorious B.I.G. I instantly knew as soon I put it in my CD drive that this was some history right there.

By this time, the CD was 5 years old, and Biggie was 2 years dead. I vaguely knew this, but it didn't matter; this man spoke truth. He spoke realness. I knew right away why he was so popular.

Ready to Die was very different from all the pathetic crooning I heard on the airwaves. There wasn't any crying in it about some girl he could never get back, nor pledging his unwavering loyalty for all time, no matter what she did. There was no sense of helplessness or impotence in it. Instead, there was just grit and cold, steely determination, with the occasional hint of warmth slipping through to imply that maybe all the hardness was just a façade... maybe this guy actually was relatable after all.

It was brilliant.

And one of my favorite tracks on it was "One More Chance."

Big's Philosophy on Cutting Contact

That line - “I don't chase 'em, I replace 'em” - to me stood as the best line on the entire album, and one of the best lines of any song I knew. It flew in the face of what everything in my culture seemed to tell me men were supposed to do... which was, namely, sit around and cry and pine after women who were out dating around like crazy and having the times of their lives.

In "One More Chance," the story was reversed.

The song starts with Biggie's answering machine, playing one message after another of various women trying to get Big to call them... he's stood them up, or slept with their cousins, or disappeared... and they just want to get back together with him.

Totally opposite of what you heard everywhere else in American society. It was, for me, something to aspire to.

Not to be a deadbeat dad or anything, as is implied in one of the messages... but rather, to get to the point where I had so much abundance with women that they were chasing me.

At the time, in high school, I had had various women chasing me at various times, but it was nothing like what it was when I was younger. When I was younger, no one was really doing anything with anyone else aside from the occasional making out here and there, so girls kept chasing me, because I seemed like the most attractive option.

But once the other guys figured out what to do - once they started sleeping with girls, and closing things out - I shifted from being the unavailable bad boy, to something more like, "Isn't it cute... he's trying to seem all bad and independent."

The fact was, I didn't know how to close things out. I wasn't a real man... the other guys in school, they were men.

So, my appeal to the girls in school gradually faded... they forgot about that guy they had a crush on, who never did anything, when these other guys - maybe not quite as alluring, or quite as mysterious, but certainly faster moving - came along and took them to bed.

I was stuck being the sexless guy obsessing over one special girl, but that didn't mean I liked it.

And along came Big, talking about he didn't chase them, he replaced them.

"Someday, I'm going to be able to say the same thing," I thought to myself.

I was still a number of years away from that point.

The Horror of Replacing Instead of Chasing!

Show this post to a woman, and she's going to freak out.

How misogynistic! How objectifying! How chauvinistic!!!

But wait just a gosh darned second there. How much chasing instead of replacing does a woman do?

When you pay attention to the way women are with men, they tend to cycle through them very quickly. Following a breakup, most women's cycles go something like this:

  • Breakup Day: "I'll never date another man AGAIN!!! *SOB!*"

  • 1 Week Later: "I can't believe John asked me to come home with him! He's so cute! If David hadn't called me right then, I probably would have too... lol! It must be destiny! Maybe I'm supposed to be with David... OMG! I've never dated an Aries before...!!!"

Here that is in pictures:

cutting contact

On the other hand, most men follow a breakup pattern more like this:

  • Breakup Day: "I'm FREE! Oh man, I'm going to get so much TAIL!!!"

  • 1 Week Later: "I'll never date another woman AGAIN!!! *SOB!*"

Here it is again in pictures:

cutting contact

What's the difference?

The difference is this:

  • For women, breaking up means loneliness, failure, and solitude

  • For men, breaking up means singledom, freedom, and zero restrictions

... at first. But then this happens:

  • Men go out, and realize it's a lot harder to pick up girls than they thought it was

  • Women go out, and realize it's a lot easier to pick up guys than they thought it was

... and just like that, she's replaced him.

But he hasn't replaced her.

Instead, he fires off a text to her:

"Hey Katie... how are you holding up? Missing you..."

Which she receives in the club, then promptly stashes her phone back away when the new guy she's been making out with asks her, "Anything important?" and she says, "Nope!"

The reason B.I.G.'s song "One More Chance" and line "I don't chase 'em, I replace 'em" are so satisfying is because the song and the line are complete role reversals of what USUALLY happens between men and women.

Usually, women quickly replace their exes and move on, while men dwell on in agony and regret, pining after the women they've lost (who are out busily dating and having flings with one new man after another).

I've seen it, time and again.

And I've experienced it... once. With one real girlfriend.

And once was enough. In the midst of that incident - my moment of weakness - I remembered B.I.G.'s line.

"What am I DOING?" I said to myself. "I don't CHASE 'em... I REPLACE 'em!!!"

And just like that, I embarked upon a new philosophy - one that entails quickly dropping and cutting contact with exes, women I've failed to bed, and women who've tried to friend zone me, and just like that, weakness, uncertainty, doubt, and hesitation disappeared from my life, and the quality and quantity of women I was bedding and dating shot way up.

Welcome to your new way of dealing with exes.

cutting contact

I've been meaning to write a post on here about decisiveness for over a year now. My apologies for my tardiness in getting that one up... there's been lots to do, and other topics kept floating to the top of my mind.

But one of my philosophies on choice is, yes, you ABSOLUTELY can have too much of it.

Choice is crippling. It's paralyzing... limiting.

Being decisive is about taking action. But decisiveness is also about taking extra choices OFF the table.

You want to know the difference between a man who makes decisions and moves forward with his life, and a man who spends his days in doubt and inaction and never moves an inch?

The former removes stale choices from his plate to make room for new ones. The latter leaves the same old choices there, and spends forever deliberating and re-deliberating the same arguments again and again and again.

Well, your choice of mate is exactly like that, and if you let yourself sit there wondering if it's a better idea to find someone new or dredge up somebody old, I can tell you exactly where you're going to end up: nowhere fast.

Burning Bridges

I'm a big believer in keeping your bridges open. Maintain friendships and relationships from your past, because you never know when they might be bridges you'd like to cross again.

I've had friends who burnt bridges everywhere in their lives. They'd shed old friends, leave jobs in a hurry with zero consideration for their former bosses or colleagues, and dismiss people with impunity the instant those people stopped being useful to them.

To me, this is bad business. Not only is it uncool to those people... it's uncool to your future self, too. You never know when that person you burnt a bridge with might've come back into your life with great things for both of you had you left that bridge intact.

I am a firm, passionate believer in keeping bridges unburnt in all aspects of life except one: those areas you have a tendency to become emotionally weak, waver, and waffle over.

What's this include?

It includes things like:

  • Refusing to keep junk food in the house when you want to quit eating junk food but you can't stop eating junk food in your house. Throw it away and refuse to buy it for home.

  • Refusing to stay on Facebook when the only value it provides to your life is addictive, obsessive checking on other people's pseudo-lives (i.e., all you really know about them is the stuff they're letting you know on there... you're not getting a realistic picture into their lives, nor do you have any idea all the things they don't want everybody else to know). Close your account, and if you're too tempted to reopen, delete all your pictures, defriend all your friends, and then remove it.

  • Refusing to drink at all if you can't stop over-drinking - go completely cold turkey and refuse anything other than an ice water or an energy drink if you're going to bars. Use a varnish (cherry, lime, lemon) to make it look like a normal drink if you're afraid of standing out.

And this also includes exes, girls who've tried to friend zone you, and girls you've deemed as time sinks who aren't contributing value to your life.

Much of the time after you've completely cut something off, you can bring it back into your life, in moderation. Sometimes you never can, if you simply can't control yourself and are too intemperate an individual.

Me, I'm not totally intemperate... just intemperate enough that:

  • If there's junk food around that I like eating, I'm going to eat more of it

  • If there's a computer game on my computer that I like playing, I'm going to play more of it

  • If there's a girl I like that I can check up on and see what she's doing online, I'm going to check up on her (e.g., on Facebook)

So, for me at least, these are things I needed to control by removing the temptation totally.

How do you cope though? If you can't do the things you really, really WANT to do, what else do you do instead?

Well... you replace them.

Wait... How Do I Know Whether to Cut Contact?

Before we talk about cutting contact in detail, you might ask how you decide whether something is one of those things you need to get out of your life as soon as possible, or if it isn't.

Particularly with a girl you want but cannot have, this is difficult. Your emotions are swirling... they're seizing command of your faculties, and making you do strange, ridiculous, embarrassing things you'll feel ashamed of in more rational moments.

cutting contact

The way you do this is with another realization... the realization of imprisonment.

Imprisonment of your mind... of your ability to choose... of your ability to be free and move on and get moving with your life again.

Before you say or think anything else, let me pose these scenarios to you, and ask you what you think about them:

  • A billionaire businessman falls into utter emotional ruin after his girlfriend breaks up with him to date another man. He stops coming into work, calls and texts her incessantly, and can't stop thinking about how much he misses her and wants to get her back.

  • A successful politician learns that his wife has had an affair. Broken, he crumbles down into a corner and weeps. Later, he goes to her, red-eyed and teary, angry, hurt, and upset, but unwilling to break it off with her. "We can work it out!" he pleads. "You've just got to promise me this will never happen again!" She refuses anyway, and leaves to go be with her lover. He's devastated, and calls off his re-election campaign to spend time in mourning, disappointing millions of supporters.

  • A decorated military general, grizzled and tough as nails, becomes a blubbering nancy boy after his woman decides she's no longer satisfied with him, and leaves. He spends the next four months obsessively discussing the situation with his friends, asking them for advice on how he can get her back, planning and trying everything he can to seem like he doesn't need her while really hoping that she realizes how awesome he actually is and comes back.

Seems pretty ridiculous and pathetic, doesn't it? These powerful, successful, accomplished men chasing after women...? The very image is laughable. It wouldn't happen, and you know it wouldn't.

So, then... how come it's okay happening to you?

The Center Point of Your Life

Most men live rather ordinary lives. They don't have any great dreams or ambitions; they want to be thought well of, and get some enjoyment out of things, and be free to seek their own happiness.

And, according to psychologist Ernest Becker's Pulitzer Prize-winning The Denial of Death, they each seek a purpose to affix themselves to... and in many men with no greater purpose to pursue, the purpose that they attach themselves to is their lovers.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, she has become the center point of your life.

When she leaves... it's devastating! The center point of your life is now, just... gone!

This actually isn't something you can easily emotionally control. Effectively, whatever you devote the greatest amount of emotional resources to becomes the emotional center point of your life.

Which is why each of those examples above strikes you as so ludicrous.

  • The billionaire isn't going to break down like that; the center point of his life is his business, not some woman.

  • The politician isn't going to break down like that; the center point of his life is his political career or the service of his country, not some woman.

  • The military general isn't going to break down like that; the center point of his life is his military career or the service of his country, not some woman.

But when your friend Larry breaks down after his woman leaves him, and becomes a tearful, whiney shell of a man for weeks or months on end... you can sort of understand. After all, Larry has a crappy job and mediocre friends. That girl was the best thing he had.

You still think he's a pretty pathetic excuse for a man, though.

This means, if you want to be able to effectively cut contact with women and be right as rain, right away, you need an emotional center that's stronger and more important to you than an individual woman is.

That's a bit beyond the scope of this article, and that's going into, "What's the purpose of your life?" type stuff, but that's what it comes down to, really. Just like:

  • If you want to quit eating junk food, but the desire to enjoy Tastykakes is stronger than the desire to not have a beer belly, you won't be able to throw those Tastykakes away and stop buying them.

  • If you want to quit Facebook-stalking exes and girls you have crushes on, but the desire to Facebook stalk is stronger than the desire to be free and not be obsessed, you won't be able to disable your Facebook account and never come back.

  • If you want to quit drinking, but the desire to taste alcohol or feel drunk is stronger than the desire to be able to pick up women better or stay out of jail or not be humiliated or hung over or injured, you won't be able to quit drinking.

You must have a reason that is at least somewhat more compelling to you than the thing you are giving up, or you'll return to it before long.

cutting contact

I don't chase 'em, I replace 'em.

The first time I cut myself off from something, I was back to it within the week. I couldn't control myself, and I couldn't stay away.

It was something of a gradual process, learning to cut contact with bad influences and force myself to replace these influences with good influences.

However, the more I did it, the better at it I got.

Think of it like this: which man do you respect more:

  1. The man who loses a girl, and then tells you, in a calm, determined tone of voice, "It's all right; I'll find another one better then her," then does, within a couple of months, or

  2. The man who loses a girl, and then tells you through his tears, "No matter what it takes, I'm going to get her back!," then proceeds to spend the next couple of months chasing her, then gets her back?

Yeah of course... your respect the first man far more. The second man is chasing after a woman who doesn't want him.

The first man simply shrugs and moves on.

It isn't that he's cold. It isn't that he doesn't care for the girl he's just lost.

It's simply that he looks at the situation, says, "Okay, I messed that one up," looks around himself and says, "Time to get working on finding her replacement."

Rules for Cutting Contact: Beginners

I'm going to break these down into stages, based on where you're at. For instance, if you try to cut things that haven't worked out as cleanly as an advanced guy does when you're still a beginner with women and don't have an abundance mentality and aren't all that good yet at getting girls and haven't developed in yourself the ability to go out and meet and take as your lovers very quickly women that you'd deem girlfriend material, you're going to backslide quickly and won't be able to stick to this.

So, let's be realistic.

When you're a beginner (beginner here defined as a guy who's still figuring out his way around women and isn't yet seeing very much success with them), here's what I recommend for the rules of when and how to cut contact with women:

  1. If you've been pursuing her for 2 months and she still is not yours, cut contact. This is a hard rule I adopted as a beginner, and it served me very well. Every time I violated it except once I paid for it. The one exception was with a girl I was already booked on an overseas tour with (along with some other people), and had it not been for that exceptional case, my violation of this rule would've been a fruitless waste of time there too. If you can't get her in 2 months of trying, even if you're a beginner, you're not going to get her... EVER. Cut your losses and get onto the next girl.

  2. If you've gone on 5 dates with her and she still is not yours, cut contact. If you can't take her to bed in 5 dates, unless this is a very serious relationship with a very conservative girl (and don't kid yourself; if you're not 100% sure without a shred of doubt in your mind, it's not), and even then much of the time, it isn't happening. Unless you plan to propose, and marry her sometime very soon (see: "Dating Without Sex: Why It Usually Doesn’t Work").

  3. If you've tried to escalate to sex 3 times with her and she still is not yours, cut contact. This is the girl who keeps coming over to your place, and you keep making out with her and maybe getting her shirt off... and nothing ever comes of it. If you can't do it in 3 tries, it's time to cut bait and move on.

  4. If she was your girlfriend and the two of you broke up, cut contact for a minimum of 6 months. Don't try to get her back. Don't scan her social media profiles for some hint of a new boyfriend... in fact, block her there so you can't check her out (or get off social media entirely - the smartest play you can make in that arena). Don’t ask friends about her. Don't think about her. Just move on. You can come back and talk to her again in 6 months if you want... but no sooner, unless you want to be one of those needy, clingy ex-boyfriends who keeps chasing his former girlfriend while she's out chasing new men. Don't be that guy.

How about following up later? What are the rules there? The rules are these:

  • You may send out a "reconnecting" text ONCE (1) per year. I have a post on the forum about sending one of these messages; you can see it here. Make sure you're texting at least 15 to 20 girls, however, as most of them aren't going to respond, no matter how good your text is, and you don't want to make yourself feel any needier than necessary.

  • You may agree to meet women you've cut contact with, but ONLY if they are coming to your place to hang out with you. If they refuse to be alone with you, refuse to see them - as they are looking for something different with you than you are with them (i.e., for you and them to be just friends).

Do these rules seem harsh, rigid, and draconian?


Because I believe you need them.

If you didn't, you wouldn't be reading an article about how to cut contact with women... you'd just do it.

cutting contact

Most men, if left to their own devices, keep chasing women on and on and on until the girl finally makes it crystal clear she isn't interested.

And at that point, the guy's wasted a lot of his time, and, even worse... he's missed out on TONS of beautiful women who would've gotten together with him, and he's missed out on TONS of opportunities to level up his skills with women so he'd never be in such a desperate place AGAIN!

This opportunity cost is what makes this so dramatically bad. You've only got a set amount of years on this Earth... if you squander a year here, a year there, chasing after women who don't want you, well... that is a loss of infinite value.

Because you can't buy that year back. It's just gone and wasted.

You might as well have spent it asleep. Just skipped a year and grown older. Goodbye, year.

Use it for something better than chasing after someone who doesn't want you.

Rules for Cutting Contact: Intermediates

Once you're in the intermediate stage, and you're sleeping with women every now and again and the fog and confusion of relationships and understanding women is receding from your eyes, you've begun to realize and accept that attraction has an expiration date. You've seen - from some hard knocks you've taken along the way - how quickly women move on, and how little time you actually have to get together with girls you want to get together with, or turn things around with girls they're failing with.

You've begun to believe, more and more, in the philosophy of "don't chase women." It deprives you of opportunities to meet other women who are actually interested you, and it wastes your time, which is the most precious, valuable, finite resource you've got.

Because you are both far more skilled with women now than you were as a beginner (and can make things happen much more quickly) and because you have far more options with women now than you did as a beginner (and can move from woman to woman much more easily), your deadlines for cutting contact with them move forward - to reflect your stronger skills, and waste less of your time.

Here's when and how to cut contact as an intermediate:

  1. If you've been pursuing her for 1 month and she still is not yours, cut contact. You're learning fast now, and you're meeting women comparably a lot more easily these days than you were when you were just starting out. If you can't make it happen in a month... let's be honest, you know if you can't make it happen in a month, it isn't happening. You gave it your all - now, it's time to move on.

  2. If you've gone on 3 dates with her and she still is not yours, cut contact. You really should be going for first date sex at this point, but let's say you're still not fully confident you can do that with girls you really like. Fair enough; most guys at intermediate haven't fully realized that those exceptional girls are still just girls, and that "exceptional" for one man is "ordinary" for another. If you absolutely must, do the traditional 3-dates-to-sex thing... but if you can't bed her on Date #3, it's time to abandon ship.

  3. If you've tried to escalate to sex twice with her and she still is not yours, cut contact. You probably had a hard time getting her back for the second round, didn't you? Any plans to keep doing that? If it doesn't happen twice in a row, I highly advise you cut contact then and there, unless you're going through a really rough patch / dry spell. Even then, still think about it...

  4. If she was your girlfriend and the two of you broke up, cut contact for a minimum of 8 months. Why's it longer than the guy who's a beginner? Shouldn't you be able to get in contact sooner and not suffer for it? Well, here's the thing... you're intermediate now. You're good! And that means, you stand a pretty good chance of being able to get this girl back. You'll figure out a way, most likely. Great news, right? Actually... no. If you broke up, there's a reason why, trust me. You want to give yourself more time to fully move on. If you haven't moved on in 8 months and decided that life's a LOT better without her, well... maybe it's time to throw in the towel on this whole pickup thing and settle down with Miss Good Enough. My guess is, though, by the time 8 months roles around, you'll be glad you waited, and you'll be performing at another level.

The same rules for following up apply to you as an intermediate as apply to a beginner (one reconnecting text per year; only see her if she'll come to your place).

Do I HAVE to follow these rules? you might ask. No, of course not. I'm not going to come to your house and put you in an arm lock and make you cut contact with women who've been wasting your time. If your time is so cheap that you'd like to continue throwing it after women who aren't interested, be my guest.

However, if you have bigger fish to fry than hounding after women who are running away from you, I very much suggest you abide by them.

Rules for Cutting Contact: Advanced

By the time you're advanced, you don't really need rigid rules all that much... you automatically forget about and retain zero interest in women who are time wasters.

She wants to be your friend? Oh, totally forgot about her.

She doesn't want to come home with you? Wait, what was her name again?

I'm sure she's a great person. She's probably really cool.

But if she doesn't provide value to your life, you can't waste time on her.

This probably sounds really cold and uncaring to anyone who isn't advanced with women. That's because he hasn't experienced what it's like to be this guy.

If you're advanced with women, you necessarily already are:

Which means, people are lining up for a slice of your time.

Everybody wants to be around you!

And everybody is trying to pigeonhole you into the place in his/her life that he/she wants you in.

People do this to everyone, but as an advanced, charismatic, talented man with tons and tons of choice on how he spends his time and whom he spends it with, you now have the freedom to pick and choose whom you'll spend your time with, and what you'll spend time doing with them.

So, a girl may be very pretty and very nice, but if she doesn't offer some great non-sexual value to your life (e.g., wild parties, great business connections, incredibly insightful and scintillating conversation that's better than any of your other friends, etc.), you have better options on how to spend your time.

The guy who moves into being advanced often has to get much better at saying "no" to people. Whereas the guy who's a beginner is often struggling for any chance he can get to spend time with cool people, and the guy who's an intermediate is at something of a happy medium, with lots of cool people around him but not so many demands on his time that he's overwhelmed, the guy who's advanced has way more people who want his time than he can give it to.

Therefore, he must choose.

And if a woman he's interested in sexually is not interested in him sexually, and she offers no other gleaming, redeeming value to his life, he needs to very quickly cut contact with her and move onto other people who want his time who do have something of value to offer him (whether that be sex, parties, business connections, very valuable friendships, truly amazing conversation, or whatever it is).

cutting contact

Having hard rules about this can help, since you won't always be emotionally on-top-of-the-ball, and when you have logical fallback rules you can pull these out when you're not flying high, so you still stick to the game plan.

Here are the cutting contact rules for a man who's advanced:

  1. If you've been pursuing her for 2 weeks and she still is not yours, cut contact. You're charming. You're sexy. Women want you. And if you can’t put this together within 2 weeks of having met her, it's time to move onto a woman more receptive to your charms.

  2. If you've gone on 1 - 2 dates with her and she still is not yours, cut contact. This one depends on how advanced you are, how many options you have, and how lazy you are. Some girls it really is difficult to get in one date, or you aren't thinking when you schedule the date and logistics are really bad, or you mess up somewhere along the line. Will you take another shot? Depends how busy you are, and how interested in her you are. Usually, for most advanced guys, I'd say don't bother with the second date, unless you really like the girl.

  3. If you've tried to escalate to sex once with her and she still is not yours, cut contact. By now, you know what you're doing. You know just about everything there is about physical escalation. You're totally in tune with the bodies of the women you escalate with... you back off before they can pull your hand away, touch them in places they didn't know excited them, and have their clothes off before they even know what's going on. If you can't sleep with a girl in one shot, she's going to be a much bigger headache than she's worth... trust me.

  4. If she was your girlfriend and the two of you broke up, cut contact for a minimum of 10 months. This time around, it's actually more for her than it is for you. You can probably get back in touch with her within a few weeks and it won't much affect you. You can move her into a friends-with-benefits type role in your life, and you probably won't much care if she's seeing other men. The reason you're cutting contact is for her, not you. Chances are, she sees you as the most incredible man she's ever been with. Her emotions for you are through the roof. And, while she can hook up with other guys with you around, she can not move on, and she can't really have a truly astounding, fulfilling relationship again so long as she remains in your shadow. Give her space, and let her move on.

On that last one, if she was a good friend in addition to a good girlfriend, you may want to pick things up again after enough time has gone by, and be friends with her again. You're fine with that. I highly recommend against sleeping with her again though, even though you probably can... you're going to mess her up, confuse her, and cause a lot of problems for her.

And don't believe her when she says she can "handle it." She thinks she can... but that's just like you thinking you could "handle it" trying to balance getting an ex back with meeting new girls when you were a beginner. Remember how well that turned out?

Don't Chase 'Em. Replace 'Em.

There's one other reason to completely remove women from your life that it isn't going anywhere with: your ability to get new girls while they're still around is crippled.

Most beginner and intermediate guys overestimate their abilities with this kind of thing. You talk to them, and they tell you, "Don't worry! I'm still meeting new girls, even while I'm trying to get this other girl back!"

Well, I've been there, and done that. And I've seen countless other guys go there and do that. And you know what happens?

The guy cripples his ability with new women. You can't fully move on and tackle "replacing her" gung-ho while part of your mind is still fully devoted to "chasing her."

It's like trying to work two jobs that both want your full attention. You've got your 9-to-5 as an office worker, and then a job after work from 6-to-11 doing strategic planning for some other company. Do you really think one's not going to detract from your performance at the other?

Of course it is.

Taking on two different things like this forces you to half-ass it on at least one of them.

In this case, the one that suffers is moving on and meeting new girls.

You'll actually do better at chasing an old girl if you're meeting new ones. The new ones provide distractions, and they lessen your scarcity mentality somewhat. But you'll do far worse at meeting new women when you're stuck spinning your mental wheels on some old one you can't let go. You're duller, slower, less certain, and less determined. I've seen it happen to some of the most talented men with women I know, and it's happened to me, too. There's nothing worse than trying to meet new women while you're stuck obsessing over some old one that you haven't made up your mind to cut contact with yet. You half-ass your way to defeat.

Ultimately, there's nothing I can do to prevent you from chasing after some girl you can't let go of.

I can't walk into your house and throw out that bag of potato chips or box of cookies you can't put down even though you want to lose weight; I can't delete your computer games off your computer if you want to quit them; I can't disable your Facebook account even though you said you wished you could; I can't take the drink out of your hand that you said you'd stop drinking but your will wasn't strong enough.

You've got to do this, or not do this. It's on you.

I'll say this, though: if you ever hope to do anything of any note, anything of any importance, or anything of any real significance in your life, you're going to need to learn how to let go.

You're going to need to learn how not to chase 'em, but replace 'em... with something far better and more productive and more rewarding than whatever the "em" you're replacing happen to be.

Until you can do that, consider yourself a paduwan, a learner, an apprentice. Because this is one of the most important skills you can learn - it's control of your mind, and control of your time.

Until you figure this one out, you relinquish that control to anything and anyone else that comes along and pushes the right buttons and creates enough desire or fear of loss or anything else that prompts knee-jerk, gut reactions.

Seize control of the ability of other people and other things to control your mind and your time, and you will seize control of your life.

And at that point, instead of chasing them down, you'll be replacing those things you've lost with other - and far better - things, instead.


Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Balla's picture

What up Chase!, I want to shout you out for the B.I.G. Quote. That's real stuff right there. I had the mind of an advance guy but my skills are In between beginner and intermedate , guess i was too quick too replace em haha. Anyway, I have quite a few questions.

1. Just curious but how do you sleep with a girls friend or relative, if you've slept with the girl or were talking to before? I always wondered how guys do this.

2. About Facebook, everytime I look at people's pages I get this overwhelming feeling and insecurity. My heart beats fast, I get excited and my palms sweat. Idk why it creeps me out. Can you explain why I feel like that? I also compare my self to them and I feel insecure, I think of them as being of so much high status and better than me with the fake persona they show. How can I stop feeling insecure, stop thinking highly of them, and not care about having 1000's of friends and comments?

3. How can you pursue a woman for 2 months if attraction has an Experation date? It's very hard for me to understand how you can get together with a girl if her attraction expires as fast as you say and I think 2 months of Pursuing she obviously doesn't want you. Please explain how you can pursue for 2 months and not have attraction expire? And how do you pursue without chasing?

4. What if a girl you just started talking to or even any girl gives you an excuse? Should you call her out in a calm way and tell her you understand because y'all just met? How do you handle the excuses with new and old girls?

Thanks Chase!


Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Balla,

On friends / relatives, it’s more about simply maintaining flirtation and sexual interest, and then setting things up when the moment’s right. You’ll often find that a girl’s friends and relatives will be a lot warmer to you than a stranger is, especially if your girl is the more dominant one in the hierarchy – women lower than her in the same hierarchy will be attracted to whomever she’s dating. There’s actually a lot of mate-poaching among women from lower to higher, and a lot of high-ranking females cut ties with mate-poaching subordinates as the years go by… it’s a big part of why women fight so much and why many stronger women end up not having many female friends (too much mate-poaching by them).

Re: Facebook, you may just have to do it yourself. When I was on Facebook, I spent time going around, getting pictures of me with hot girls in parties and clubs, cool pictures of me on beaches and ruins and monuments around the world, and getting good at writing cool comments. By the time you get to be a Facebook superstar, you’re kind of over it and you realize how little impact it has in real life outside of Facebook. It’s exactly the same as building a really powerful character in a video game: super cool and effective in that environment, but useless anywhere other than in that game.

On 2 months for beginners, well… I’d rather tell guys less than that, but we need to be realistic, and when you’re still a beginner and not meeting many women – and every new girl is still a big deal – it’s unrealistic to think you can just cut a girl off after 2 weeks of trying and move on. 2 months seems to be about the right balance for a beginner who’s still getting out there and meeting women – he should have enough prospects after 2 months that he can walk away after 2 months of not getting anywhere with one of them and focus his time on newer girls instead.

Excuses – well, that depends a lot on the excuse! But I’ll put it down to do a post on. For now though, see the one on dealing with objections – not exactly the same, but the philosophy is very similar:

Secrets to Getting Girls: Addressing Women's Objections


Vaughn 's picture

Hey chase, you think girls liked biggie for money or did he really have tight game? If so how can I get game like that?

I want to know how you deal with low self esteem chase, I read your article on confidence and about you having to keep approaching and having success to get the confidence. My problem is I have low self worth and I keep defeating myself. Like, what if i need a good job for to get her, what if she rejects me, or I need a good car, or have this or be this etc.

I worry about other men in women's lives and how can I be better than them and not always compare myself to them?

How to have the winner effect if you don't win?

And one more question, a girl Compared me to her mother by saying "If it was my mother... "And telling me how she would help me out and even risk her job. Idk if this is good or bad. It sounds good, all I did was make the girl invest, I didn't do anything to become a fixture at all, I don't provide her any value, so I guess it's good let me know your take on that.

Thank you!!!!

Chase Amante's picture


Big did have a charismatic personality, but if you look at chicks he was with before he had fame and money (e.g., his first baby’s mama), they weren’t all that great looking (although they apparently still had cool personalities). It’s hard to overcome being very obese, even with good game. Once he had some fame to work with, and had his musical talents on display on the radio, he was flying; he married Faith and had another kid with her, with plenty of women on the side… Lil’ Kim supposedly was pregnant with Big’s child as well, but aborted, only to regret it later. They were friends before he blew up, not sure if they got together before or after he made it big. Biggie was a good guy, very focused on bringing up the folks who supported him when he made it and not forgetting where he came from, and very cognizant of the fact that fame is fleeting. Even in the midst of his stardom, he was planning for when that would all fade away, which is rare among successful people, and even rarer on those coming from poor backgrounds. A real shame he didn’t get to live a longer life.

Self-worth and rejection – you’ve just got to do it and take the rejections until you don’t care anymore and actually start hearing “yes”es. Get some self-worth out of rejection… if you can’t say to yourself, “You know what? I’m going to be sitting in a corner feeling bad for myself until I can muster up the balls to go get some rejections under my belt and start actually doing something,” you’ll be paralyzed forever. When I was new, I really started to enjoy rejections… at last, I was DOING something! And then, every now and then, you’ll get a girl who DOESN’T reject you… and you’ll think, “Whoa, what? I went in there gunning for another rejection, and actually got a DATE! That’s even BETTER!”

Define rejections as winning (winning some experience, that is), and you’ll begin to improve. You don’t get better until you start exposing your brain to the situations and patterns it needs to learn.

So, go collect some rejections.

On the mother comment… not sure I understand, on that one. Anything people say that you don’t understand, just tell them you don’t understand, and ask for an explanation. Your understanding will grow exponentially, the more you stop people and ask them to tell you what they’re talking about whenever you aren’t sure.


Xeno's picture

Hi Chase, You've helped me stabilize my approach towards women. Not only have I been on more dates than ever, but more importantly I am developing a stronger, more enduring sense of calm throughout my entire life. Much thanks!

Great article. I would love to hear more about your approach towards developing a center or purpose. This is the greatest obstacle I face and I suspect that with this in place everything else would naturally align, including my relations toward women. Problem is, it seems almost as if a center has to find me, rather than me choosing a center.

Also, if I may be so bold, one practical question about cutting contact. After two months and not getting a girl, do you recommend a really hard push at the end of that period, where the man comes clean and is transparent with his feelings? The girl I like sometimes allows herself to be led and other times does not. She also flashes really great moments of interest but then goes cold. She's 21, never had a lover and morally very conservative. My hope is that by making my feelings explicit and clear (telling her "I like you," rather than trying to express interest through action), I will get over the hump and if it doesn't work, nothing lost.

Thanks again Chase! Hope you're well!

Franco's picture

Hey Xeno,

Under no circumstances should you come clean to a girl like that, especially if she's already going cold on you to begin with. If you REALLY want to make it so she never talks to you again, then that would be the exact way to do it. It will remove any little intrigue that she might have about you, and it will firmly put you in the "one-down" position. You don't want to be there.

A solid period of NC (no contact) followed by sending her an unexpected text that quickly leads to asking her for a coffee or drink is probably your best. If this fails, then I would move on. She might contact you at some point down the road, but you might find that you aren't interested in her anymore at that point anyway.

Hope this helps!

- Franco

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Xeno,

That’s fantastic to hear. You’re certainly welcome for any help I’ve provided, but of course, all I’ve done is light the way a little more – any roads you’ve made it down, you walked them.

Noted on the article on purpose/center. I’ve had a few folks ask about this one, and something along these lines is in the works.

On making a hard push with a girl immediately before cutting contact – generally speaking, nothing wrong with this. While you for sure don’t want to do an emotions dump (which I think is what Franco was afraid you meant), if you’re going to cut contact with her anyway and move on, then is the time you want to try whatever outlandish / crazy / cutting edge stuff you have that you want to take a shot at and not worry about using on a girl you have a stronger chance on.

So, I’ve had girls I was about to cut contact with that I’ve said things like, “Look, I like you, I think you’re really cool, but it seems like we’re pulling apart and going different directions, and I don’t want that to happen, but it might be happening anyway. So I’m going to ask you to come with me, and you can say ‘no,’ and you can go home, and go live your life, and I’ll go live mine, and we’ll probably both be fine either way, but I’m going to ask you to take a chance and really live for once in your life. Come with me.”

And I’ve had girls I was about to cut contact with that I’ve said things like, “Look, I dig you, and I think you dig me, at least a little bit, but we’re stuck in quick sand here, and I’m a guy who’s moving fast in every area of his life – work, money, projects, success, women, dating, romance, friendships, everything. And I can’t keep hanging around here in the quick sand, and I don’t think you’re exactly having the time of your life here either, I think it’s just what you’re used to and you don’t know how to get out of it. So you can take this vine I’m throwing you and try breaking out of it, or you can hang out in the quick sand and try and grab other guys’ ankles walking by and drag them in with you, it’s your choice. Want to come with me, or want to, like, hang out here in the quick sand?”

Sometimes these things work, and sometimes it’s just a lost cause. But it’s always a lot of fun to try, so if you’re legitimately going to throw your hands up on a girl and cut contact, try something crazy, push your limits a little, and see if you can learn something new.


Franco's picture

I agree with everything Chase mentioned above. If you want to try more of a "hard push" and really try to get her to follow your lead, then that could work. Just don't do an "emotions dump," as Chase puts it. It really comes across as weak and unattractive. I've done it before, and I've never ONCE had success with it. Ever.

Either way, good luck my friend!

- Franco

Funman's picture

Hi Chase,

Incredible post again. You continue to impress your readers.

1) Should I delete the sweet emails she had sent to me?
2) What is your opinion about Old pictures of your ex?
3) What should a guy do with the cards he received from her?
4) Would you contact your ex on her birthday to wish her happy birthday?

Sincere thanks,


Chase Amante's picture


No need to delete old emails, unless you find yourself reading them obsessively / thinking about them all the time. Otherwise… just let them disappear into your email archives as new emails come in to replace them. Sometimes its nice getting sweet emails from a girl you’re not spending time or energy on anymore – you can view them the same way that women view their male friends who send THEM sweet, gooey emails.

Old pictures – so long as you aren’t looking at them, you’re fine. Again, if you can’t stop looking at them, you probably need to get rid of them. I travel a lot, so the only pictures I have are digital ones, and pictures of my exes are buried in my (very full) computers / inboxes. I’d have to really look to find them if I tried.

Cards – my philosophy on cards is read them, smile, then throw them away. This is kind of painful to do if you’re high empathy – it feels sort of like you’re insulting the person who’s card you discard, or like you don’t care. But you can’t save every knickknack you get – read the card, say “thank you” when you see the person, or call or email a “thanks,” then discard it and keep moving. Otherwise, you’ll need a box just for all the cards people send you, and it’s probably a box you’ll never look through ever again, you’ll just add things to it.

Re: wishing happy birthday – once you’re outside the no contact blackout, yes, absolutely. The two of you were close, she was probably a good friend, and staying in touch at least to wish happy birthday is perfectly fine. Just make sure you do it via a “real” contact medium, like phone or email, and not sending a birthday social media post or anything cursory like that – that almost feels like an insult when you get those from people you thought you were close with.


Anonymous's picture

Gold. This is excellent. Thank you for another life changer!

Maxz's picture

Ugh!!!! Wish you wrote this up the other day Chase before I fell off the wagon. I texted a girl I knew I shouldn't have texted this past week, of cause she ignored my text. She knows I'm Chasing after her even after she let me know she had a boyfriend and had stopped responding to my texts months ago.

I caught wind of her on a friends Facebook page and that moment of weakness doomed me. I would advise everyone here to delete their Facebook accounts. Facebook is totally a crass invention that makes men weak and turn into potential stalkers. I so hate that crap.

Thanks Chase, another epic write up that reminds men never to chase women.

Chase Amante's picture

I love the choice of terminology there, Maxz. But yes - that's exactly what it is. It's giving into an addiction you know you shouldn't, but sometimes almost can't help yourself from.

Anyway, enough bad experiences like that, and your brain figures out this isn't a winning strategy... it just takes a little time.


CP's picture

Hey Chase, this post is pretty timely for me.

Friday I went out with this great girl: beautiful and we had a lot in common. I've texted her a few times but she hasn't gotten back to me, my last text was this, borrowed by one of your other posts:

"[girls name], seems you're super busy right now; totally understandable. I'll leave the ball in your court -- let me know when your schedule clears up a bit and you can do lunch / dinner / drinks, etc. Hope we hang soon!"

And as much as I like her and like to see her again, I won't go crazy if she never get's back to me because I went on a great date the follow day, and got physically closer with this girl.

I also have dates lined up for the rest of the week. Having an abundance mindset makes it so much easier when a great girl goes MIA.

As a guy in the beginner to intermediate stages I just wanted to share this little story.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey CP-

Sounds like you're in a good place right now. This is hardest when you're coming up against different levels of scarcity - the beginner's lack of any abundance (if he cuts this girl off, when's he going to meet ANOTHER girl that he's actually had a good text conversation with??), the intermediate/advanced guy's lack of absolute abundance (all these other girls are great... but how many INCREDIBLE girls like THIS one is he ever going to meet??).

From the look of things, I'd say you're probably rounding that first corner, or you've already rounded it. That's the toughest one - once you've got enough easy access to women in your life, it makes things a lot easier all the way around.


studentofthegame's picture

Great post Chase.I wanted to know if you have a post in physical escalation in places like cars and alleys and bathroom.like how do you proceed through this?

Also what is the way to break up with a girl and girls I'm no longer interested in?I don't want to hurt the girl I want to know how to do it in a way that's not offensive and in a way that we can still be friends.

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Student,

On escalation, I don't have anything there specifically (and I'd presume you've seen the other posts on physical escalation), but normally you'll either begin with a wall slam and passionate makeouts, or by grabbing her and kissing her neck very passionately and going from there.

On breaking up, see this post:

Let a Girl Down the Right Way


Brentwoodbam's picture

Glad to say I've already started applying this to flakes and chick's who aren't beneficial to what i'm looking to gain from the relations. Most of the blog posts I have read hinted at this, but I'm glad you really laid out the process in this post. Keep it up, good sir.


Chase Amante's picture

Good to hear it, Brentwood. You should quickly see a lot of time and mental energy getting freed up as a result - it's one of those things that brings a lot of instant "win" to the table.


Knight's picture

While we're on song lyrics - this is my new favourite from A$AP ROCKY's "PMW" song.

"Pause a little bit, I gotta little advice
If you fucked her once, then you could fuck her twice"

Chase Amante's picture


Yeah, that's GREAT advice. I don't like to go around espousing that, because it's a little on the cruder side, but one of the immutable laws of sexual escalation is "get your penis in her vagina." It doesn't matter how uncomfortable the situation is for escalation, or anything else; crossing that boundary is of the utmost importance. A guy who escalated clumsily and uncomfortably in a nightclub bathroom or the backseat of his car and managed to penetrate his girl while she was excited and receptive can usually then stop, take her home, and easily sleep with her in the comfort of his bed, whereas a guy who starts escalating, stops before he reaches that point, then takes her home because he doesn't want to have sex until it's comfortable will often he find he can't reach that point again at all.

So, might be crude to say, but it's a lynchpin of rapid escalation - "get inside her while you can!"


Knight's picture

So, I'm pretty sure some of you read that 'The man that waits is left with little' post I made the other night. This girl with lots of abundancy mentality and I moved on pretty fast in developing a strong attraction together. I did everything how I wanted, it was crazy being that person you see in movies who can control everyone. She even admitted her attraction to me directly, which was cool but I played it cool without making a scene. Anyway, the next day I saw her for around five minutes and then left because I'm quite busy. I didn't text until four days later (which was a mistake, I should of capitalised on it earlier but wanted to do it in person - which was not available to me as an option because of my circumstances). Anyhow, text was short and sweet as usual but I got a reply that she had moved away, to another city that day and she didn't tell me earlier because she was worried she had done something wrong and found it weird that I hadn't talked to her earlier. I was taken back in real life but sent two moderately sized texts saying if she gets a chance to come back and also that I was sorry that events were out of control and that I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I could tell she was upset and somewhat hurt as she said there was no way to see me except for maybe in a fortnight. Chase, do I have to cut ties with this one? I've made her a very good friend and will keep her around, as she has motivated me a lot and is very charismatic. I haven't texted since I told her I was busy, and that it wasn't her fault. I'm trying to let her emotions fade, and in maybe a few weeks tell her to come back - which might happen because she's already said it and she has family down here.

This post sounds kind of needy like she's 'the one' I don't feel this way about any women anymore but I do want a chance to take her to bed and make our relationship a very strong one. Do you recommend I leave her alone and not make any effort to get into contact, or in a week or two send her a text like I would normally somewhat along the lines of 'Hey, hope your weeks been great. We should catch up - what's your schedule like?' or use something along the lines of your hard push?
“Look, I like you, I think you’re really cool, but it seems like we’re pulling apart and going different directions, and I don’t want that to happen, but it might be happening anyway. So I’m going to ask you to come with me, and you can say ‘no,’ and you can go home, and go live your life, and I’ll go live mine, and we’ll probably both be fine either way, but I’m going to ask you to take a chance and really live for once in your life. Come with me.”

I'll work it out by myself if need be, but I'm wondering if anyone could give me some advice. I want the second chance - ten minutes i'm giving myself if it does happen to get intimate. No mucking around this time.

Edit: We got into some good kissing three times that night but because of some circumstances on the night I couldn't get her into bed - It would of been possible but I didn't capitalise when I should of because I knew I had forgotten some essentials on the night and decided not to risk it. It was a choice on my part. The next day she commented that she had an extremely great time, so I don't think I hurt her by not taking her.


- Knight

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Knight,

Any time you get a big space of time interjecting itself into what was otherwise something on the fast track you're in some trouble. I'd probably skip texting her, and instead do a phone call once a week or so for anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes (depending on how things go).

You're probably out of lover territory and into boyfriend territory at this point, which means things are going to go more slowly, but you can still potentially make it happen if you make her feel secure enough. I wouldn't cut her off unless it starts approaching one of your hard limits - it's only been a few weeks that you've known this girl, right? No need for anything too dramatic, she sounds like she likes you a good deal, just keep in touch with calls every now and again, and plan to see her when she gets back. It isn't certain you'll get together, but you might be able to pull it off - just try not to let your emotions get the better of you, as turnarounds are wont to make happen...


kurdo's picture

I've noticed quite a few comments about the use of Facebook. I realize that the use and popularity of this social networking website has been so widely spread across the the majority of the population in the west, let alone the rest of the world.

In university nowadays, I see students use Facebook like its a new drug. I see many students using Facebook off their smart phones during lectures and theory class, then complain why they don't understand anything. It's become such an addictive aspect of their lives, not to mention how so easily reachable it is, just under their fingertips. It also serves as a great social device for stalkers, especially exes and people that are your enemy in real life but your friend on facebook. All I see is people trying to impress those they don't like and those they don't know. If that's not insanity than I don't know what is.

Me being a current facebook user, have a different approach of using this social sharing website. Since I don't watch tv (I cut it off at age 19, when I finally moved into my own place), I try to still get my daily dose of news (and I mean real news, not the propaganda you hear on tv). I find that knowing what's truly going on in the world is crucial for my existence, as I believe in oneness with every human being. I like/subscribe pages, that deliver up to date information in the categories I find vital for me to educate myself in. These categories consist of Politics (straight to the point, with raw material and links with proof that contradict what the masses are told from watching cable tv), underground hip hop, revolution of the mind, Healthy life style - bodybuilding information, everyday inventions, natural remedies for cures without the use of antibiotics and drugs, latest psychological studies and discoveries on society and the human conscious, brain and so on. I wake up early in the morning and spend an hour going over if not all, most of the information and updates I see on my news-feed, than I bookmark whatever links I see as beneficiary to my progress for later reference, than log out and go about my daily lifestyle. In my opinion it is one of the easiest and most effective ways to stay up to date with the things I deem important as an individual. But just to make things clear, I dont only rely on Facebook to deliver me all the knowledge that I need for improvement. I also read books, watch documentaries and read blogs like this.

On the friends aspect of using Facebook, I simply modify my news-feed settings to only receive updates of the pages or friends that are beneficial or neutral to my well being (I don't see 95% of what my friends post, cause it's mostly egocentric and personal information that doesn't do me any good) That means cutting out all those attention seekers out there, who love cracking up jokes or personal cynical stuff like " I need a girlfriend ASAP" or "I'm having fun with my boyfriend" or "going to work fml"or even stuff like "God save all the innocent children killed by drones" but when you check out their page, you see them posting stuff hypocritical to what they present. Also in the mating game, as Chase said - it doesn't do you any good, since you've got to continually compete with others to make yourself look like a rock-star as if your life is oh so much more interesting. It's all deceiving and I refuse to take part in it.

I believe you can attract the beneficial or non beneficial aspects of anything in life. Its all a matter of how you use it and for what means. I'd love to hear your take on this Chase. I know your not a firm believer in the use of social media websites, but I wonder if you ever took this approach in consideration.


Chase Amante's picture

Hi Kurdo,

You sound like a very balanced guy, who's able to keep control on his Facebook browsing habits. Which is both impressive and commendable.

We had a discussion on the boards about differing levels of addictiveness among different personality types (conversation is here). My point was that basically some people are highly addictive, others are non-addictive, and most people are somewhere in the middle. I'd guess you to be someone who's in possession of a not-terribly-addictive personality, right?

For people more prone to addiction, the cost in mental energy to resist addictive impulses tends to become too great, and they're not able to say "no" when accessing something is too easy. So I'd say "it depends" to the question of whether you can moderate an addictive influence (like Facebook, or drinking, or whatever), largely on how susceptible you are to addiction.

For some people, they really need to just get completely away from something, and even destroy its ability to hold sway on them. For others, addiction's never much of a problem, and they can be around things that addicted more addictive people and stay unaffected.

With that sort of thing, go based off of the impact it's having on your life - if it's sucking up time and giving nothing back and you can't control that, you need to get off it. However, if you can use it more conscientiously, as you seem to be, and not be constantly tempted and worn down to go Facebook stalking, you can probably use it perfectly well and not suffer the negative effects.



CHASE!!! you're mackadocious!

Jered's picture

Hi chase,

This article is awesome! Thanks for writing it! My problem is that usually when I cut contact, the girl would try to reach out to me again or when we run into each other shed try to talk to me. I believe this is probably attention seeking, how would you deal with cases where you've cut contact in search of greener pasture yet a girl tries to contact you again?

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jered-

Typically speaking, it's best to keep your responses very short and matter of fact, and to space out your replies. If you reply quickly and/or in detail, she'll think she "has" you and can start rotating you back into the friend zone.

If you run into her, say hi, and keep conversation polite but not engaged, similar to how you'd be if you ran into someone you kind of knew and were being nice to but didn't really care to have in your life to any great extent.

The subcommunication here should be, "Hey, I'm being polite, but I really don't have time for this anymore, sorry," (obviously, don't actually say that).


Tounknown's picture

Hi Chase,

Great post Chase! I predict the number of youtube views for that music video to increase tremendously.

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase!

First off, I love your blog! Your articles are spot on and I am so impressed by how you seamlessly integrate relevant research with your own wisdom. I wish you would write one for women. However, I was a little discouraged by this article. While I agree that people need to get a life and move on after rejection, I am a little concerned that this article moves into trite 'player' territory. For example, Matt's letter suggested that you cut a woman off if she won't sleep with you on the first date... that cuts out a lot of good women, including me! If all guys thought like this, I'd never get a boyfriend (or laid) again!
(also, it should be noted, many men claim they 'won't date' a girl who will have sex on the first date, so you can't blame us for taking it slow)

While I agree that the 'replace' mentality is efficient for picking up large quantities of women in a short time, I think it limits the quality of the women. I can categorically say, that there is a strong correlation between a woman's desirability status and the extent to which she will require a man to chase or demonstrate interest/value. As an attractive female, I get a lot of attention from men, and the "chase" is a crucial prerequisite for my decision making process. Whats more, while it does require men to run the risk of failure, I think the uncertainty and challenge can be fun for everyone involved.

Like most women I know, my physical and emotional attraction needs time to develop before I am ready to progress things. Even if a guy is super hot and great, it will require time and exposure for me to learn that, and warm up to him. It is a fact that people value things they worked hard for more than things that they got easily. Plain and simple, sex is hotter if you had to wait for it. I think I speak for many women when I say that the discipline of abstaining is incredible foreplay. Luckily there are enough guys out there who are willing to put in the work. But, if he gives up early, it's an opportunity wasted.

Second, "The Chase" is my deliberate screening mechanism for 'players'. I mean absolutely no offense by this, but I'm never going to sleep with guys who ascribe to the logic in this article, partly because they will disappear before I even have the chance. But its ok, because if they are willing to give up quickly, then they weren't that into me to begin with. (hence the 'screening' effect")

I instinctively assume that you'll agree that there is a DEGREE of chasing that signals confidence, interest, and is appropriate and not desperate. I hope you will write an article addressing this!

I hope to hear from you!

sidebar: I can't say I agree with the notion that women 'replace' faster than men. The vast majority of the dysfunctional/failure in the relationships/hookups I see arise from men being less invested in the relationship than women. To me this sounds like a rationalization to act in an ungentlemanly manor..... just saying.

Anonymous's picture

The matrix is strong in this one

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon–

The different kinds of resistance is actually a pretty deep topic – I’ll try and get a post up on it soon. There’s a lot of nuance in it.

But, suffice it to say that “speed to bed” isn’t necessarily indicative of future fidelity, so much as it is indicative of the size of the gap in the experience levels of the two partners (not always, but much of the time).

“Easiness” is really more of a sliding scale – how “easy” a woman is is actually more a determination of how varied her criteria are for a sexy man she’d hook up with fast.

For instance, one girl may ONLY have one-night stands with very handsome men with cutting humor, impeccable dress, who ooze sexy and aren’t remotely qualified to be boyfriends and whom her friends will never find out about. All other men she makes wait until they’ve taken her on at least six dates before they have sex the first time.

How easy is she? Well, that depends on which one of those men you are – it’s an entirely subjective rating (because neither the man who beds her fast nor the man who beds her slow likely ever has a completely full picture of her sexual history and inclinations).

The better indicator of partner count / fidelity likelihood I find to be the KIND of resistance women present. If it’s nervous, uncertain, frightened resistance, she’s a genuinely sexually inexperienced woman and actually is “hard to get.” All other kinds of resistance – e.g., annoyed / irritated / uncomfortable resistance, or calm / dismissive / in-control resistance – are signs of a sexually experienced woman who knows what the deal is, wants something specific from a man, and is going to do what she thinks she needs to do to best get that from him (whether that be a relationship or a friendship).

I agree that from the woman’s point of view it’s generally better to make sex happen as late as possible, to screen out less attracted men and to ensure that the men she gets are highly invested in her prior to sex (and thus view sex with her as some incredibly difficult to get thing, and thus highly valuable). However, from the man’s point of view, the opposite is true, and it’s better to have sex happen as SOON as possible to screen out the less attracted women and to ensure that the women he gets are making exceptions to their normal behavior for him (and thus view sex with him as something they gave up faster to him than anyone else, and thus he must be highly valuable).

There is an inherent tension between the sexes over sex – generally though, the more experienced person “wins” (or, if the two are too close in experience levels, they simply don’t get together).

Anyway, I’ll get an article on this up.


Shakey's picture

Hi Chase !
You site is amazing and a true eye-opener ! I just finished my high school. Sad to say I have had a totally unproductive and boring life till now . I am slightly overweight and quite low on self-esteem . Your site has brought hope in my life . Till recently I was in depression about wasting away my life. Now I am just waiting for entrance into a college so I can start using your advice . I just wanted to thank you :)

Anonymous's picture

This is great advice. I'm female and use it on men all the time. If I don't get what I want within 2 encounters, you're gone.

The best strategy for women is to treat men the way men treat women. It's never failed, and keeps things clear and in the open, and me safe, well fucked, and heart-free.

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