How to Stop Overthinking It and Make a Move
Tuesday, 27 May 2014
It is a common problem: you didn’t make a move and now you are stuck between a rock and a hard place where the girl loses interest and things start to fall to pieces.
So how do you keep that from happening?
Simple: you make the move.
Maybe that seems like a too-simple answer, and maybe it is, but if you can’t make your moves work when the occasion demands you do, then why sit around convincing a girl that “one day” you will be able to?
The truth of it is that if you can’t get it working at the start, you will usually be left with only one direction things can go: downhill.
If you can’t make up a good move on the spot, you probably won’t come up with a good move later... you’ll just linger around wishing you did something and get into a destructive thought loop that will stop you from making up a new move that would work.
The secret to not overthinking making the move is to realise that the action is first won in the mind before it is acted out confidently in real life. And it is won in the mind by establishing a habit of action. And if that action doesn’t exist, then it is won by having nerves of steel, and hopefully a creative spark that will take you somewhere.
What Makes It Hard to Make a Move?
I get it, you see a hot girl or are talking to a hot girl and you figure that you should wait, or that maybe there is something you are overlooking; a better way somewhere. So you start thinking and planning and imagining, and this is so comforting that you forget that you actually have to do something.
Or sometimes even just the positive signals she beamed your way have started to make you feel under pressure, and as a result you start thinking and analysing everything.
Is that so bad?
Well, when you are trying to make moves overanalysing is a bad thing, because it causes you to focus on the wrong thing – the past – when you really need to be thinking confidently about the next few moments and the moments that will follow them into the future.
This overanalysis stops us from having a good look at what is actually happening, and, more importantly, NOT happening, and it stops us setting that all important precedent of action with a woman that has her reacting spritely, eager to know more.
And we fail to set that precedent of action because we are trying to “guess” at what will make things “infallible”, and are getting caught up in a wild goose chase as we revise our interpretation of previous events rather than the signals that actually matter, the ones we have in front of us RIGHT NOW.
Here is the thing: whilst sometimes it is hard to act, you just have to handle it, because what women need is always fluid and responds to what she is sending out in the present moment. As a result, you have to rely on signs like:
- the way she returns a smile
- how receptive she is to a touch
- how she hasn’t left and how she has repositioned herself instantaneously
You cannot assume you know what you are “not” doing or “what she wants” unless there is something directly in front of you that you can use. And these signals are never sure-fire answers, they are just “opportunities” to find out a little more about her; positive signals that make it feasible for you to introduce yourself, move things forward, and intensify things.
Things are never going to be handed to you on a silver platter, there is always going to be risk, and for that reason you have to care more about her current signals and her potential signals, wants, and desires than anything else. You must pay attention here and now, so that the actions you are taking can be adjusted and work for you so you can get closer towards a fun time.
On Building Trust the Right Way
You aren’t actually struggling to make a move; what you are struggling to do is build trust, and when you go about this trying to get 100% answers and “clinch” moves, you are actually going about building that trust the wrong way and undermining her ability to trust in you.
Believe it or not, guys who read a manual for every step they take are not the most fluent and capable men. The most capable men pay attention because they know they are about to ACTUALLY do it, not just talk about it and wonder.
Trust is best built by adapting to the situation that is happening RIGHT NOW, and people trust most those who are ready for action. So don’t worry about making excuses about what happened just before, or what you are about to do; instead, find a way that the current situation can be viewed positively and create an environment where moving things forwards is genuine, fluid, and intelligent.
It is tempting to keep going back to a crazy mess of thoughts on what works best and who does what and when, but ultimately it is a downward slope that doesn’t build a girl’s confidence in you and just undermines the interaction you are in right now.
You have to stop going into crazy analysis mode and you have to ground yourself in the present and in reality, taking into consideration where things are, but allowing the current moment to take priority so that as you build better responses from the girl you can both move on and get to a better place.
Thinking too much gets guys to act all excited and hyper and assume “hey she really likes me!”, and it makes you into a stumbling jester; someone whose perceptivity she cannot trust. This is why overthinking is a massive mistake when you are going to make a move.
To make a move is actually more about managing your mistakes well, rather than about having this clear cut “works every time” answer. So forget about searching for the answer, making the move is all about calming down and keeping things light, clear, and simple.
First you clean the basement, and you don’t make mistakes at a million miles an hour, you slow down, and take things a step at a time – not jumping ahead into infinity where you buy a puppy together.
Second, you cut out the emotional heartstring stuff, or “let us get it on” stuff – it is never either/or... All life choices affect us emotionally, and we decide what to do next one step at a time, and there is no reason why that should ever change. So try to keep balanced and compose yourself.
- Third, don’t play it like it is “all or nothing”, “yes or no”, “do or die”. For the love of innocent baby seals in Alaska, do not think that women are a switch, because they are relying on you to create a sustainable sense of pace and reward so they can figure out whether they would like to go further.
How to Pace and Reward
You create time packets where “enough” happens, so the girl doesn’t think she is wasting her time. Much like a good book, the climax isn’t thrown in your face right at the start, it has lead in, a few chapters with their own interesting threads, and then eventually the crescendo, all with nice smooth set ups for transitions and changes in pace.
These can be anything from showing her some music, or having a short flirtatious dialogue – anything that creates movement, has good feelings, and isn’t absent of feeling like you are doing stuff.
To set up pace and reward right, you have to understand a girl’s reservations and use some common sense regarding what is good for her and you. So pay attention most of all to how she responds:
If she shies away, she is thinking there is a better direction to move in and it’s up to you to help develop that and figure out what it could be.
If she leans towards you in some way, then find a way to help her feel like there is still more to attain, and tease and reward her a little bit.
Ultimately, don’t lose your head, keep relaxed, and progress things at a realistic pace, whilst leaving all the overthinking behaviours to rest.
How to Make Your Move
Of course, this is all easier said than done, so what do you ACTUALLY do?
Well, let us assume you have taken on board what I have just said, and cut out the whole “overthinking it” thing. What do you really need to do in regards to making a move, to make it work? What is actually stopping you?
I can bet the whole farm and all its chickens that you are brutally nervous. The kind of nerves that has you upset enough to pace back and forth in your room, harass friends with your sob story, and freeze when it comes time to act.
But there is really no reason to be nervous, because each “move” is one in a thousand. It is just a single page in a flip book, and you need to be thinking ahead to the next dozen or so. Kiss her once, kiss her twenty times, and then just figure out “how it works” through experimentation and coming at it with great ideas and new angles.
You have to take it in your stride. You have to “suck it up”. You have to just address it in a way where it is a natural part of what you will continue to do, and you have to make “making the move” feel natural and unrehearsed, so it can become part of the story and not the only focus.
Making the move has to be natural; it has to infer that there is more coming, stability, continuity, movement, and fluidity in your approach. And that is the HEART of what you actually have to do.
Nerves is what is really making you crazy. And depending on who you are, there are all kinds of reasons for being nervous.
She is hotter than girls you’re used to
You are put on the spot
She seems to like you and for the life of you you can’t figure out how that happened
You are worried about some philosophical “end destination” that will magically remove all your troubles.
But forget all that stuff.
Girls don’t actually understand how hot they are so don’t worry, she has probably dated plenty of guys as ugly as you think you are (joke), and in all probability, you don’t know what she sees, so don’t make assumptions either way. Let her decide by how her body and mind respond and take it from there.
Being put on the spot isn’t as hard as it seems, you just need to do a retake on what is going on, what she wants, and say “Oh okay, I get it now,” and then move the situation forwards so there is a good context to make a move.
Being unable to figure out how you fluked your way into this situation isn’t anything to worry about, all guys and all girls have been there, it is just a natural gift of dealing with the opposite sex that sometimes we surprise ourselves. Get over it, and deal with the human being in front of you and give her a good time without letting the fact that she likes you get in the way.
And regarding that “solve all” philosophical answer that will solve all your issues in one savvy move, the answer is that you don’t worry about it and that you make the best of what is in front of you.
So don’t be too nervous, pay attention to the present moment, and create a nice pace with good feelings in it, so you can make the move a natural part of the two of you getting to know each other.
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