We Are Not Having Sex Tonight: What Happens When You Don’t


We've been seeing more comments from readers lately asking about situations like what Mike ran into the other day as remarked on the "How to Steal a Girl" article:

Hey Chase,

I am 19 and I really appreciate all the insightful information you've made available for guys like me to read who aren't all that experienced.

I have a situation where I've been talking with a girl for a few months, and I finally got to see her for the first time two weekends ago(we live a state apart from each other) after texting, talking on the phone and FaceTiming daily before that.

She had been giving me slight hints that she liked me by little mannerisms and things that were made aware to me by reading your posts. Also, I flew up to see her and she dropped $250 on the hotel and drove me around all weekend, so I got her to invest. The first night I had a plan to have sex with her, and followed your suggestions that you had laid out to the tee.

The night started off great and I could tell she was into me so physical escalation was simple, but after quite a bit of foreplay I made a rookie mistake and left my condoms out of reach. And when I tried to make the move to get them, it took her out of seduction mode and allowed her to think, reminding herself about the internal moral belief she had told me previously about not having sex with guys she's not in a relationship with; therefore killing the vibe for the night.

This was on a Friday night and we spent the rest of the weekend hanging out since we made a special occasion due to the long distance situation. Nothing happened sexually on Saturday or Sunday and she was acting aloof and uninterested on Sunday so I could tell something was up.

I left for home unsure of what was on her mind and now, over a week later, in the time that has passed she has been short texting me with nearly zero emotion or ignoring my texts altogether. In addition, she turned down my offer to facetime, which she has never done before. So it is obvious that something is up, but when I resorted to going "alpha-male" and looking for a response she said she's "been busy?" and didn't respond to my next text asking about it.

Is this a sign of auto-rejection? Or is she testing me with the mixed signals BS? I am really in my head, beating myself up about things I may have done wrong because I know she likes me, but I'm not sure how things could have gone sour so quickly. I thought I had her chasing me and I know she was into me but now I'm afraid I'm getting close to chasing her. Once again, I'm really thankful for all the work you do. I'm aware that this is a lot and my situation is a unique one. I would greatly appreciate any advice and feedback you have for my situation!!

Thank you for your time,

Mike

not having sex

That is to say, situations where the guy takes things right up to the point of sex with a new girl... only for it to fall flat; she says 'no', and he walks away, figuring he can always try again later.

Except, after that single failure, there's almost never a "later."

Why do women vanish after you come right to the brink but don't go over - what's the psychology behind this, and what are the options you have to do anything about it?


not having sex

At last... you finally got her alone with you. Just the two of you - together.

Tension hangs in the air... it's palpable. You drink it in.

Mustering your resolve, you take her, and kiss her... and she kisses you back.

You begin running your hands up and down her body, feeling the mounds of her breasts, the flatness of her stomach, the tubes of her thighs.

Clothes start coming off. She resists; you persist. She resists more; you persist more. Off with her shirt. Off with her bra. Off with her socks.

Then, though, you hit a point you cannot get past: she won't let you take her pants off. "We are not having sex tonight," she tells you adamantly. She clings to her belt with an eagle's grip; you can't get her unbuckled, unbuttoned, unzipped.

Inside, you wonder, "Why?!"... but outside, you stay cool and resolute, and try to continue your escalation with her.

Nothing works though, and after a time, you run out of steam, and yield.

"Well, I can always try with her another time," you tell yourself to ease your defeat - but the emotion you feel is not hope and excitement that next time, next time you'll seal the deal.

The only emotion you feel is disappointment.

And after that night, you never get her alone with you again.


Feelings are All That Matters

There are two strong emotions you can possibly feel around sex and the escalation to sex:

  • Excitement / victory, and
  • Disappointment / defeat

Of course, there are other, more nuanced emotions you can feel as well, but those we aren't concerned with here.

What we want are the themes.

And when it comes to getting girls in bed, there are really only two: victory, and defeat.

Just like you, women feel these SAME emotions about sex. In many ways, a woman's emotions revolving around sex are going to be similar to yours; in some ways, they will diverge.

Here are the scenarios in which sex normally feels triumphant and victory-like for men and for women:

Men
Women
Sex happened easily
Sex happened easily and was good
It was a struggle, but sex happened
Put up a struggle, but sex happened and it was good
Sex didn't happen right away, but went to bed and woke up later / the next morning, and sex happened
Sex didn't happen right away, but went to bed and woke up later / the next morning, sex happened, and it was good
Decided midway through escalation that sex was NOT wanted, and aborted before going any further
Put up a struggle, decided sex was NOT wanted, and successfully deflected it

Note that feelings of triumph / victory / satisfaction for women are largely tied to whether the sexual experience made her feel good or not (a combination of factors mostly relating to whether the sex itself was exciting, pleasurable, and passionate, and whether the experience with the man was romantic, rewarding, and encouraging).

For a man, sex is generally still a victory even if the sex itself is bad and the experience isn't terribly good, although the level of the victory will trend more towards "mediocre" than "incredible." Some women (particularly very sexually experienced / post-sexual awakening women) may still consider sex a victory even if the sex is bad and the experience is unrewarding, simply because the way they view sex is now more a traditionally masculine pursuit of new sexual experiences and conquests than a traditionally feminine pursuit of good feelings.

In contrast with these, here are the situations in which sex is a defeat for men and the situations in which sex is a defeat for women:

Men
Women
Wanted sex, but sex did not happen
Sex happened easily and was bad

Put up a struggle, but sex happened and it was bad

Sex didn't happen right away, but went to bed and woke up later / the next morning, sex happened, and it was bad

Put up a struggle, WANTED sex, but man gave up, did not overcome resistance, and did not make sex happen

Thought sex was going to happen, but man aborted for whatever reason

Thus, women's reasons for being disappointed with sex are much more varied than men's - for a man, sex is disappointing if it's wanted but doesn't happen, and this is disappointing for women too, but it's also disappointing for women if they get the sex, and the sex itself or the experience around it is unsatisfying.


What Happens When She's Disappointed?

When a woman is disappointed with her first sexual - or nearly sexual - experience with you, what happens is this: she usually doesn't give you a shot at Round 2.

Why? Well, what's important to understand here is how men and women vary in their acquisitions of sex partners. Here's the difference:

  • For a man: the question is "Do I want sex with her, and can I get inside her?" Because a failure to get to sex during escalation the man usually views as either him making a mistake or her not being "ready", he'll typically see a failed escalation as simply him needing to try something different next time, or wait until she's more ready for intimacy - therefore, his answer to "Do I want sex with her, and can I get inside her?", despite his disappointment at not getting to sex, remains "Yes."

  • For a woman: the question is similar - it's "Do I want sex with him, and can he get inside me?" However, rather than an assessing of one's own abilities (Man: "Of COURSE I can get inside her! I can do ANYTHING!"), she's assessing someone else's abilities, which leads to a different outcome; and, her willingness to dismiss a man as undesired is generally greater than most men's is with women. If the man fails to get to penetrative vaginal sex when he tries to, the woman writes him off - either backwards rationalizing that they did not have sex because she didn't really want it or it "wasn't meant to be", or completely losing faith in the man's ability to do what needs to be done and get to sex. Either way, her answer to "Do I want sex with him, and can he get inside me?" has become "No."

Bad sex is better than no sex in this regard, because the only question she must answer now is "Do I want sex with him?" since she already knows the answer to "Can he get inside me?" ("Yes", since it's already happened now). "Do I want sex with him?" is a highly subjective question to answer, and it's helped a good deal by the answer to "Can he get inside me?" - if it's "No", then if she was on the fence about whether she wanted sex with you, then you're written off; if it's "Yes" and she was on the fence, she's a lot more likely to just say, "Okay, well, maybe I ought to give him another shot and see if it's better the second time around."

Very worth noting: the point that must be passed for the "Can he get inside me?" questioned to be answered "Yes" is penetrative vaginal sex. Not oral sex, not a hand job, and not anal - these are all things that women offer up in various circumstances in order to avoid vaginal sex (because they're uncertain, unsure, or simply don't want to come across too eager or too easy). If all you get is a blowjob, the answer to "Can he get inside me?" is still usually going to be "No."


Wait - Why Do Women Resist When They WANT Sex?

A lot of sexually frustrated men get very angry about this, because it seems illogical. If you WANT something, and someone OFFERED that something to you, why would you RESIST it, only to end up upset and disappointed when the guy GAVE UP?

If it frustrates you that women do this, I understand; however, it's worth it for you to understand that the reason this frustrates you is because you do not grasp women's priorities.

Getting what it's like to be a woman - being able to empathize with women's position - is crucial for you to clear away resistance to sex a great deal more easily and close things out with women a great deal more often.

Before you can do, you must first understand.

The men who prefer to forego understanding and just want what they want without having to work with anyone else's needs end up with the same thing anyone with an entitlement mentality ends up with: frustration, bitterness, and disappointment.

So let's not be one of THOSE sorry saps, shaking his fist at women and telling them bitterly that they "don't make sense."

Women resist sex even when they WANT sex if they sense or believe you are anything other than the PERFECT short-term lover with NO long-term potential. That's it.

If you aren't dripping with sex appeal and if you have not yet completely eradicated any shred of a signal that you might be boyfriend material, you're going to get some measure of resistance at least some of the time.

not having sex

Why would women resist sex with you if you show even an inkling of long-term potential? Well, because of MEN: men show women, through women's experience, that they're more likely to stick around and give women relationships and invest in them when women resist.

Men hold women who resist sex in higher regard. They are more likely to view these women as "difficult to get", to view their having gotten to sex with them as larger accomplishments, and to value these women more highly.

They're more likely to give women who resist more relationships, or at least to stick around in some aspect after sex.

And the most important thing for women? More important than sex itself (sans with a really sexy man who's otherwise too much of a social liability for her to want around long term)?

Getting men to stick around.

A woman will forego sex if she thinks it means you're more likely to stick around.

And if you want to say in spite that it's too bad for her, because you're NOT going to stick around if sex doesn't happen... well, doesn't matter, because most men DO.

A woman is going to trust her experience over your words any day of the week... just like you, once you're reasonably experienced with women, will trust your experience with women far more than anything they tell you, too (she's going to the bathroom and will be right back? riiiiiight. She's got to go now, but will text you later? suuuuuuuure).

There's another aspect that's important to this, too: the excitement of having her resistance overcome. When a man overcomes a woman's resistance, the sex is THAT much better.

Some of the fastest and hardest I've had girls orgasm with me was after getting to sex after long periods of resistance that I at last overcame. These girls will frequently bind themselves to you much harder, and hold you in much higher esteem, as well. Just as men hold in higher regard women they must work harder to break through resistance and bed, women hold in higher regard men who are successfully able to overcome large amounts of resistance from them, change their minds, and get to sex with them.

There are exceptions, but this is usually the way it is - the more resistance from her that you overcome to get her, the more you'll respect her, the more she'll respect you, and the more likely the sex is to be very exciting sex.

But if you fail to overcome that resistance, both of you will be disappointed, and she will largely write you off as a sexual option.

You might then say that women who give men resistance to sex are making a kind of subconscious economic gamble: they're judging roughly how much or how little resistance they can give a man before sex, to both screen in the real winners and screen out the uncommitted individuals, and not have him fail to get to sex or fail to stick around.

Generally speaking, the less experienced the woman, the worse she is at gauging a man's ability to overcome her resistance or not (because she hasn't collected enough data points yet on resisting and that resistance's outcomes with various men), and the more uncertain she is about whether she definitely wants sex for sure or not, so the more likely she is to just throw up a wall of resistance at all takers unless she's the thrill-seeking sort.

The more experienced the woman, the better she is at gauging a man's ability to overcome resistance, and the more likely she is to give him just enough to make it challenging for him, but not so much she scares him off... provided she's reasonably sure that intimacy with him is something she wants.


not having sex

You have two choices when it comes to escalation:

  • If you're not going to close things out and get to penetrative vaginal sex then and there, don't escalate

  • If you CAN do the deed - then do it

Inexperienced men generally imagine a third option: "Try, fail, and if it doesn't happen, try again another time," not having experienced yet the fact that the women they fail with usually see their escalation windows slam shut... and that's all she wrote.

If a girl really, really likes you, and/or holds you in extremely high esteem, she'll occasionally be willing to give you a second or (rarely) even a third shot at bedding her. How often does this happen? Maybe 10 to 15% of the time, from what I've seen.

The other 85 to 90% of the time, if you try and fail, you will never have another chance to take her to bed again.

That makes physical escalation something of a high stakes poker game - you either take the pot, or you go home with empty pockets.


Deferring When You Can't Go All the Way

If for some reason you're not ready to close things out, sometimes it can make strategic sense to push off inviting her home until the situation is a tad more in your favor. You'll most often employ this when using date compression, or when you need a quick informational date to break the ice between the two of you and set the stage for a later, more complete dating experience.

You should never use deferral as an excuse because you are SCARED or INTIMIDATED. Do this, and you'll watch attraction expire a lot more often than you need to, and see girls that you had, who were yours, slip through your fingers.

Because of the tendency of newer guys to push things off because they're afraid of attempting them, I recommend you forbid yourself from using deferral as a tactic until you're at least reasonably advanced with women and feel little or no fear about inviting women home and escalating to sex.

When you're newer, you need to be taking girls home and trying to get to sex, in order to learn the process, get comfortable with it, and clear away any fear or hesitation you have about it.


If You're Going to Start - Finish

Obviously, that doesn't mean "GET TO SEX AT ANY COST!!!" We're not talking about forcing yourself on women here... God alive.

Rather, we're more focused on your mindset - and that mindset is, "It happens now, or it doesn't happen at all."

When you are escalating to sex with women, you'll frequently get resistance like this:

  • "It's too soon for me."
  • "I'm not ready."
  • "I don't do this on the first / second / third date."
  • "I need more time."
  • "We can do this next time."
  • "I'm not used to doing this outside a relationship."

... and comments along these lines. You mustn't buy into any of this. Yes, she is having a touch of cold feet. No, the two of you won't do this later if you call it quits now. It is not a genuine, factual statement, nor the girl making a commitment she plans to hold fast to later.

"We can do this next time" means "We will NEVER do this, ever, if we don't do it right now."

That's what it really means.

So, don't hold back on trying things you'd like to try. Don't say to yourself, "Next time," because there won't be a next time. Do whatever you'd like to do now, say whatever you'd like to say now, and try whatever you'd like to try now, because right now is all you're going to get. Address her concerns, and make things happen now if you can. Don't defer to later... because there won't be one.

When you're newer, it's easy to feel like, "Well, we have SUCH a great connection, and she says 'Next time', and I trust her... that Chase Amante guy doesn't know what he's talking about," but a few experiences like this will quickly show you that "connection" you thought you had didn't mean an ounce next to a failed, abandoned mating attempt.

If you quit, and leave, or show her to the door without sex, do so fully knowing that you will likely never be alone this far with her again - so don't do it until you've exhausted all your options and are ready to say "goodbye."


The Third Option

not having sexWhat about that 10 to 15% though?

If a girl REALLY likes you, you can sometimes see her again.

You're not always going to be able to tell when this is. Sometimes women who seemed like they were absolutely CRAZY about you will go ice cold right after a failed escalation, while women who seemed like they couldn't care less about you will be warmer after a failed escalation, and will readily meet up with you again - and this time, sex quickly ensues. In fact, this might even be the norm; the girls with the greatest amount of emotional build-up prior the escalation crash the hardest on you when you wipe out.

A good rule of thumb is this: the faster you moved with her before she invested much in your emotionally or otherwise, the more likely she is to be open to seeing you again.

Why's this? Well, it's because if you are moving faster with her than most men ever do, rather than writing you off for a very disappointing failed mating attempt, she's likely to be impressed. She's likely to say to herself, "Wow. I can't believe I went that far with a guy I just MET. I must REALLY dig him!"

If you moved at glacial speed though, and tried to take her to bed on the fifth date, several months after you met her, and it didn't happen, unless she's already DECIDED that you are the man of her dreams, she's going to be disgusted and write you off. "I waited THIS long for him, and he STILL couldn't do it? All right... this guy's a putz. I'm out of here."

If you're not advanced with women yet and routinely moving at lightning speed with girls you meet, sweeping them off their feet, taking them on dates, or inviting them home the day you meet them, this usually won't apply. The 10 to 15% of times a girl's open to seeing you again after a failed escalation are almost always times when you're going for same-day lays or first date sex and she isn't terribly emotionally invested in you yet. Once she's invested, if you mess it up, it's such a huge disappointment that you normally won't recover.


“We Are NOT Having Sex!”

Just bear in mind that when you hear things like this, the girl is already in a place where she's thinking about sex, and she's more trying to convince herself that the two of you aren't going to have sex than she is trying to convince you... and if she needs convincing, that means she doesn't really believe it.

There are a variety of ways you can overcome this partial resistance to sex (full resistance is her getting up and leaving, because she just doesn't want it) - these are all discussed in-depth in these articles:

On giving her a great time in bed, and preventing disappointment that might dissuade her from wanting a repeat, see these articles:

Just remember, you really only have two options when it comes to escalating to sex and NOT having things blow up in your face:

  1. Defer to later if you can't close the deal now, or
  2. Do it now - but knowing that now is all you get

If you're a beginner, deferral is not an option - you're already deferring too much already (and probably missing a lot of chances to take to bed women who are already into you).

And when you're advanced and moving very fast, you'll sometimes hit walls of resistance with women you simply can't overcome, but these women are also the most likely women to hold you in high regard regardless of the lack of sex and remain open to seeing you again and potentially ending up alone with you again.

Keep in mind once you start escalating that if she leaves, you will probably never see her again. This helps you stay sharp, and prevents you from taking the easy (and false) way out of, "Well, I'll just do it with her next time."

If you don't do it with her now, when you have the chance to, there usually isn't going to be a next time.

Do it now... or forever hold your peace.

Chase

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Comments

cwongucd's picture

Are Inexperience Women Harder to Bed? Or Easier to Bed?


Dear Chase,

Very enlightening article. I just finished reading your ebook, so much info to digest. Anyway, I have a quick question regarding to this article, it is basically about 2 paragraphs that you wrote before. I find them a bit contradicting. The first paragraph is from this article:

1) [Generally speaking, the less experienced the woman, the worse she is at gauging a man's ability to overcome her resistance or not (because she hasn't collected enough data points yet on resisting and that resistance's outcomes with various men), and the more uncertain she is about whether she definitely wants sex for sure or not, so the more likely she is to just throw up a wall of resistance at all takers unless she's the thrill-seeking sort.] <-------------------- Does that mean inexperienced women are harder to bed? Because they will throw in harsh resistance to you, since even themselves don't know they want to have sex with you or not, they are probably VERY SCARE/TERRIFIED when you are escalating, isn't it? Unlike experienced women who will only throw in "enough resistance" to challenge u and not scare u away. In other word, they are just playing hard to get.

THEN, in your article 'Are We Just Friends? Does She Like Me Back or Not?', you mentioned the following:

2) [The women most resistant to a skilled seducer moving quickly and well are women who have a lot of experience around sex and seduction. If a "slut" is a girl who's had sex with a lot of men quickly and easily, "sluts" are the girls best able to delay most men the longest and resist sex the most firmly. That degree of skill comes only with experience.]
http://www.girlschase.com/content/are-we-just-friends-does-she-me-back-o...

<-------------- This statement is spot on and it decodes the myth that easy women are the ones who sleep with men fast. It also shows that when one woman try to defame another woman by accusing her to be a slut because she sleep with other men easily, this statement is nothing but a malicious accusation. The statement is NOT TRUE.

HOWEVER, aren't these two paragraphs contradicting each other? So in general, Are Inexperience women harder to bed? Or easier to bed? Please clarify my confusions.

Thank you very much, Chase!

Your ebook is fabulous! I will start applying since I am done reading. :)

C. Wong

Chase Amante's picture

Inexperienced Women: Harder or Easier

Author

C. Wong-

Depends on where you're at with your ability to escalate and close relative to her ability to resist. When you're a beginner, you'll generally have a harder time with women who are beginners too, because they put up those resistance walls and you won't break through. Meanwhile, more experienced women will let you get through if it's what they want, or, if they recognize that you're simply less experienced (and they will), and they think that's cute and want to extend it into a relationship, they'll block you from getting through once or twice, then allow it you to reach intercourse when they decide the time is right. Once you're very experienced though, women who are substantially less experienced are basically like fighting paper dolls, while more experienced women relative to you are still the same level of difficulty they were before - which used to make them easier the less experienced women, but now makes them more challenging.

You might think about it like this: inexperienced women (relative to you) have high walls that you can go under or around with a sufficiently advanced skill set. Experienced women (again, experienced relative to you) have walls you'll have a much harder time getting around, but they're also a lot more likely to leave a side door open in those walls or let down a rope ladder to scale them with because they'd like to see you succeed.

Another way of thinking about it: if your escalation is something she hasn't seen before, she's going to be more likely to either melt outright, or to freeze up and say, "Okay! This is as far as we go!" but because she's standing still, if you know what you're doing, you've got plenty of options for how you warm her up and open her up and bring her arousal to the boiling point. Her emotions will be more extreme, dependent on the outcome, because she was not really in control; if sex happens and it's a good experience, she stands a good chance of becoming a huge fan of yours in a hurry; if it doesn't happen at all, she's going to write it off as having dodged a bullet and won't want to see you again.

Alternately, if she's seen your moves a number of times already, she's going to smile to herself and say, "Okay, all right, I've got it... he's THIS kind of guy. Well I'll just do this and this and that and he's going to go nuts trying to figure out how to get me. I'll let him have me once he's good and ready... if he holds on," or she may just say, "Well, he's not all that smooth, but I like him enough anyway," and give little to no resistance. This makes these women easier for beginners, who have trouble getting around inexperienced women's walls, but not as easy relative to inexperienced women for you once you're more advanced, since with inexperienced women you can be in control and do what you like as an intermediate or more advanced guy, whereas with these women you will struggle to or fail to, and be forced to either give up or go at their pace.

Of course, get enough experience, and almost every woman you meet is inexperienced by comparison, and you'll have escalation tools in your tool box that even girls with high notch counts haven't seen yet.

Chase

Michal's picture

Hello, I would add to the


Hello,

I would add to the list of "overcoming LMR" your article about Adressing women's objections.

Also, there is something that came on my mind reading this. I heard that if in certain situations, like awkward silence situation, if you point at it, it disappears. Concretely: "I dont want to be awkward but aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam." Should do the trick. I dont know how to desribe it better, I hope you got the idea. In what type of sitution and what can I point out to ease up others?

I mean, I got: "I only have sex with my boyfriends" once and I said: "Ok, you can understand this as our first sexual experience and begining of our relationship," with a little smile and a little droped eyelids and she let me in. And I said this because I my first thought was "I can be your boyfriend, but people in relationship have sex and I dont think we can establish anything if we call it of tonight". So I stopped, kissed her neck first to give myself time to come up with better answer and then said the first line. I wonder if I answered with something like "I am your boyfriend now" or that "I can be your boyfriend" what it would really communicate to the girl.

And I guess saying "No, I am sure you are sexual being and you have one night stands because you have your needs and during the time you dont have a boyfriend, I am sure some really hot guy can take you to bed. So dont use this boyfriend line on me" would kill the mood entirely - and that is what I wanted to ask. When can I point out the real issue she tries to just cover with confusing words?

Oh and I forgot I got laid this Friday thanks to all you guys writing here, but I am sure you got that :-)

Michal

Chase Amante's picture

"I Only Have Sex in Relationships"

Author

Michal-

Good addition - for anyone reading the comments, that article's here: "Addressing Women's Objections."

Glad to hear you're getting girls in bed! The boyfriend statement - yeah, it's a weird one where the girl says that. Sometimes it's an effort to get commitment out of you prior to the act, while other times it's an attempt to save face and make the girl appear not too loose. Your best bet is something that confuses her logically while reassuring her emotionally that you won't be judging her - I like responding to this one with, "I only have sex with my wives," and then proceeding. Her logic goes, "Huh?" while her emotions experience a range of 1.) reassurance that you're not judging her for having sex outside a relationship, and 2.) excitement that you're one-upping her and beating her at her own game. You should make a mental note when it happens though that you didn't properly set the right expectations prior to sex if she feels she either can secure commitment or needs to gain reassurance she won't be judged.

You usually DON'T want to put out her real nature, unless you can do this very warmly and delicately in a totally non-accusatory way - but if you were going to do it, you'd have done it earlier, and doing it in emotionally loaded situations is not when you want to do that - that's when you want to be taking care of her emotions, rather than challenging her. If she feels challenged, her instinct is going to be to back off, close up, and defend herself, which only lodges her more firmly into the position she's just adopted.

Sometimes you can get away with it, though - I have responded to girls saying, "I only do this on the third date," or, "I don't have sex outside relationships," with things like, "And yet, here we are - how do you explain that?" or, "Oh, I see - but doing this [whatever sexual thing we're doing] is okay though, right?" and then laughing. That generally leads to more resistance and the girl closes off a bit, but it also makes her realize she does not hold to her own arguments, and if you're persistent she'll generally quit resisting and embrace intimacy a little while after that.

Chase

Edd--19's picture

Just in This Position


Hey Chase,

I was just in this position a few days ago from you posting this; reading this now makes me mentally kick myself. All of your advice is great and, even though I'm new to the scene, works really well when I've applied it properly. I'm certain you are one of the best pickup artists and gurus around.

If there are any articles which you consider the more urgent ones to read and start learning would you mind listing them below.

Thanks,
Edd

Chase Amante's picture

Getting Started

Author

Edd-

Welcome aboard, and happy to see you're having success applying the material. Certainly, it's frustrating to realize you've lost an almost sure thing... but, once it's happened a few times and you learn the lesson from it, you'll find it stops happening (since you won't let it!).

For getting started, we're actually cooking up a proper "getting started with the site" guide, since it's grown to the point where there's a lot of information to dig through now - that should be out in late October or early November (that's the target, anyway).

Meantime, you can check out "How to Get a Girl" for a brief getting started guide focused on some of the older material, "How to Find the Woman You Most Want: A 10-Step Process" for a much more comprehensive and recent guide for much of the material here pre-fall of 2012, and the Newbie Assignment on the discussion boards for a very practical, getting-out-there style series of missions and reading assignments to get you going. There's a great community of guys on there, many of whom have done or are doing the Newbie Assignment, and have managed to eke out some pretty nice results from it.

Chase

Sam2's picture

Sex later works


Chase, your article comes just after another first date where I got the girl to my place within 45 minutes and sex didn't happen due to LMR. After a year of applying the "now or never" logic to sex, I think that this is the only part of your ideas that didn't work for me and here is why. I am not the barman type of guy. I talk well and women perceive me as a classy man suitable for the boyfriend slot. Whenever I tried to disqualify myself for this role by stating that I am leaving the country in the midterm, women just vanished. Women also talk with me during first date projecting "us" to the future. So far, I tried to fight it and here are my results: within 5 months I got 7 women to my place on first date, only 1 had sex without LMR. With the rest I quit after 30 minutes of effort and did not play their game for a second date. However, my inexperienced friends get regularly sex on 2d and 3d date and keep women around by making them think they will stick around, while meeting new women. They say to me "you are too rigid and you lose women because of that. Why not be patient, lay back, do seemingly what she wants you to do, get sex later to prove that you will stick around and once you get it you manage the situation as you wish?" They get more, while I get less.

Chase Amante's picture

Lover vs. Boyfriend

Author

Sam-

Aye, that's the problem with moving fast - you must structure yourself as the kind of man women are looking for to move fast with. That doesn't necessarily have to be a barfly, but it's not just the elimination of boyfriend qualities, but the establishing of lover ones as well.

I had a friend who lived in a really crummy apartment with leaks and poor lighting and a horrible bed in a bad part of town. He'd take girls home there the day he met them or on the first date, and he'd have sex with them nearly every time.

When his business fortunes improved, he moved into a posh, upscale apartment right smack in the middle of downtown. Really beautiful place - big, spacious, and luxurious. But when he'd bring girls back there, he'd run into so much resistance that suddenly he wasn't able to sleep with any of the women he took home. Eventually he realized it was the apartment - before, women would see his apartment and think, "This guy's definitely not long-term material," and all their reservations would disappear. With the new place, they'd see it, and think, "Wow! I'd better hang onto him. Better not let him think I'm too easy..." and he'd never get them. Eventually he made enough changes to how he interacted with women that he was able to compensate for the effects of having a really nice place, but it took him a little while to do.

The best things to work on for this are anything that create more sexual vibes, tension, and intentions between you and the women you meet with:

In the interim though, while you're still working on it and women are seeing you more as a boyfriend candidate, skip trying to pull on the first date and instead use date compression - see this article:

Also, the idea behind removing yourself as a boyfriend candidate is in doing so in a mysterious, romantic way, rather than a cut-and-dry "sorry, off the table" way - rather than saying, "I'm leaving the country in 6 months," the way you'd phrase something like that is, "I may be leaving, and it may be soon; the nature of the work I do means that one day I'm here, and the next day I may well be gone." That allows a woman to see you as a romantic man of intrigue, rather than just some guy who's not going to be around... and where's the fun in a guy you know who's leaving who isn't otherwise exciting or mysterious? You must make her wonder...

Chase

CoolSmoove's picture

Got sex but it was ok


Hey Chase,

Great article as always! Been reading your material for a couple of years now and it has definitely changed my life! Anyways I just had a date with a woman that I just met a couple of weeks ago this Friday. Conversation was great, threw in chase frames, had a sexy vibe going, and mystery and intrigue. Basically felt like my seduction game was on put. Got her alone at a lake and I applied a manhandle kiss on her while we were talking...she melted! I stayed cool, pulled back first maintained a strong sexual frame and after a great deal of resistance, teasing, and foreplay (two hours!) we finally had sex. The thing is, I couldn't feel ANYTHING with the condom on and went soft twice. She enjoyed the penetrative sex while i was hard and i continued kissing and rubbing her body when i went soft. Afterwards she said, " I dont think he likes me yet (referring to my penis) . We both didn't finish and decided to call it a night. We talked and kissed each other goodnight. I'm setting up a meet once I get some time on my hands to see her again. What's your take on the interaction? What do you think caused this to happpen and what could I have done better to make it better next time?

CoolSmoove

Chase Amante's picture

No Feeling

Author

Smoove-

I'm guessing you're fairly inexperienced so far? It's pretty common to not have much sensation your first few times having sex, and it takes a few times to really get into it. That's partly due to it being so new to you that you're never really "in the moment" and are instead thinking things through logically the entire time - sort of the antithesis of being able to let go and enjoy - and also partly due to the kind of stimulation you're receiving being different from what you're probably accustomed to from manual stimulation (assuming you're like 99.9% of guys out there, and hands preceded vaginas!).

Sex gets better as you have it more, and there are also a lot of different options in condoms - you'll want a thin, lubricated type, and possibly one with ribbing, to increase stimulation.

Sensation also varies by woman - some women have much tighter vaginas than others, and some drier, others wetter. The looser and wetter she is, the less you're going to feel - if she's too wet, sometimes it makes sense to withdraw, dry yourself off, and go back in.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Last Minute Resistance


Hi Chase,

Everything here is spot on even the reply to the comment above I totally can relate with what you've shared here maybe even more than with other insights that you've gave over the past cause this is what I’ve been "fighting with" recently. I've been in girls apartments and started escalation but didn't persist enough I’ve had girls over with which I persisted more when she was like dry humping me and even though she was telling me that "we are Not having sex" I tried some of the things that you advice in other articles but still didn't manage to get pass the wall even if I never gave up while she was inside my apartment I even tried the "freeze out" technique that part of the community says that it's the bulletproof method against LMR (though thinking back maybe I didn't do it properly) other PUA's say that once you get LMR it's pretty hard to come back the best thing it's to prevent it and they advice using reverse psychology to avoid it. I guess this goes into calibration and nobody can teach you the fact is you just have to calibrate yourself and you need to go through that trial and error even though it's not the most wonderful of feelings when you lose girls this way (I wanted to say great girls but I’m trying to stay away from mind fucking myself and projecting everything I want on to “that girl”). Maybe you could share some more useful tools to get pass resistance and last minute resistance i.e. a more in depth breakdown for example something along the lines of if you go to unbutton her pants and she says no you stop rinse and repeat later or... anyway nothing beats experience under your belt no pun intended so I’m going to keep going for that!

Thanks for all

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Last Minute Resistance

Author

Anon-

Have you read through the articles linked at the end of this one on getting past resistance? There's a whole host of information there on this subject.

I'm not a fan of freeze outs - these may work if she already heavily wants you, and you simply need to make her realize how much she wants you, but if the problem is she's uncomfortable or unsure, which is USUALLY what the problem is, freezing her out only adds to the weirdness of the situation, rather than resolving it.

Resistance is certainly able to be overcome, and perhaps a large portion of the time - at the simplest, think of it as a battle of wills, with you wanting to move faster, and her (or PART of her, anyway) wanting to move slower. If she absolutely does NOT want you, she will not stay there with you fending off advances - she'll simply get up and leave. So, a good way of thinking about resistance is this: both you and her have some reservoir of willpower, and you're going to escalate and she's going to resist until one of you gives in to the other, or she gets fed up and leaves. In my experience, it's pretty rare that the woman leaves, because once you're escalating, there's a large part of her that's excited and WANTS it. Once the part of her (usually the logical part) that's trying to resist runs out of energy, the part of her that wanted it wins - and sex then ensues.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Emotionally Invested/Rejection


Ahhh, so women that are emotionally invested that don't get what they want from you will shut down harder, makes sense.

What if you get them even more emotionally invested AFTER not giving them sex?

Like in my case (screwed up on a trip to hometown with girl I met from friend) didn't give her sex after making her feel amazing and being pedastalized by her, then after the fact insulting her hard and getting her to cry to my friends how big of an asshole I am etc.

Also, what if you sort of reject a girl and then she emotionally invests. Say a girl wants you really badly, you moved a bit slow, then finally go for escalation, she resists, and then a little bit later you reject her by saying something like "I'm not going to kiss you" .."Normally I would try again, but with you I'm not going to bother" .... I did that to a girl and when I said I'm not going to kiss you she had the most furious look on her face. She ended up emotionally investing after it.

When you "reject" a girl like that they shut down for good too, right? Or is it possible if she's that cute and never had that happen to her that would increase your odds of seeing her again and bedding her if you want to? Tough question I know. I just feel like if you do something to a girl that no one has ever done that ends up getting her to invest emotionally in you, you have a better chance of seeing them again. Clearly depends though. Would love your thoughts. Thanks.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Emotionally Invested/Rejection

Author

Anon-

I don't have any experience rejecting women hard, then having them invest, then turning around and taking them to bed after all - I may sometimes playfully reject a girl as a form of push-pull, but it's clear to both of us I don't mean it (though this is still often enough to inspire some chasing).

I have however seen other men reject women, then those women chase those men, then those men change their tunes... although what usually happens at that point is that the woman does NOT sleep with them, but rather has set her sights on making the man want her, and once he wants her, she gradually withdraws energy and lets him chase her more and more.

I suppose the reason why this happens is that a guy who's going to be a good lover candidate is not going to reject you... and a guy who's going to make for a good boyfriend is not typically going to reject you... and a guy who'll make a great nice guy friend isn't going to reject you... so perhaps, for women, the utility of a man who's rejected them is not as a potential lover, boyfriend, or friend, but rather as a provider of emotional validation - if she can get this man who formerly rejected her to chase after her and want her, while she ignores and rejects HIM, then she's won. I've seen various strategies for this, from chasing the man first, then changing her tune once he's changed his, to showing up around the man a lot dress better, and acting more aloof, until he begins to chase.

Either way, based on what I've seen, if you keep her around once you've already rejected her, she'll simply work to get things to the point where you are chasing after her, and then keep you around as a source of emotional validation - the one who rejected her, now repeatedly being rejected himself instead.

Chase

V's picture

How to stop thinking girls will say no


Chase, how can I stop saying that the girls are going to say no to myself? For example ill think the girl will say no if I ask for this so I end up not doing it. I keep thinking they will say no to me so I don't try. What can I do to think they'll say yes instead of no?
It all ranges from me picking up girls to having them do anything for me, I think they'll say no.

Also, how hard do I persist? I don't want to keep asking for a long time, when should I stop persisting? ex, asking a girl to come home with you?

Thank you!!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: How to stop thinking girls will say no

Author

V-

There's only one way to stop thinking that: ask girls to do things enough times that you learn a certain percentage of the time they say "yes", a certain other percentage of the time they say "no", you get good at reading the signals for when a woman is likely to say one or the other, and you stop caring about any individual outcome because it's all a numbers game now.

On persistence: for most things, asking anywhere from 5 to 12 times when it's do-or-die (you lose her if she says "no") works (Ctrl+F for "hard push" in "Secrets to Getting Girls: Addressing Women's Objections"); if it's a woman you know socially or you're talking via text, ask only once, and if you get a "no", break off and revert to casual conversation, and circle back to asking her again later. How many times you ask and get "no" from a woman in social circle / texting situations is your call; I'd advise dropping her after more than a few "no"s, though I do know stories of guys who got girls by repeatedly asking them out again and again to get a "yes" (7 or 8 times seems to be the common number).

Chase

340Breeze's picture

There is more to the story than "resistance"


Thanks Chase,

I appreciate your incredible insight into social dynamics. The stuff you teach here is even more insightful than even the material in those professional leadership seminars that some companies send their employees to. I think all men should learn seduction because in order to become a master you really have to have superior emotional control over yourself. That has so much application to all corners of life!

I have a few points/questions in my rather long comment, but your articles spark such thought!! So if you can, I'd like to hear your feedback, thanks!

Seems like you're saying in this article that men don't want as long-term partners women who are "loose" and have high partner counts. So even if a woman wants sex, she will resist only if to show she's picky and chaste and worthy of long-term consideration. She may even lie about her partner count or downplay her sexual experience because she doesn't want her past coming back to bite her in the ass. If a man beds a woman quickly he will assume that since she gave in so easily that she does this with ALL men, therefore she's loose, and thus he must get rid of her soon after sex. So therefore, if she likes him as a bf, and she thinks he might like her as a gf, she resists sex to avoid this happening to her...and put on a show, if you will. Is this what you're saying?

Why is it that men prefer women with lower partner counts for themselves anyway? What's the reasoning behind this because I don't understand it. Is it because the more men a woman has sex with the more trouble she'll be (infidelity risk goes up?)

Women might enjoy the power that they have from men chasing them for sex, but should a man really want to chase sex? In his pursuit of sex and having to deal with resistance, he potentially will value her more highly than he probably should as a side effect. The more effort and investment he puts in the more he thinks he likes her without much proof! While he thinks she's not easy, and therefore has long-term potential, his investment in her stirs up his emotions while all she has to do (effortlessly) is continue to resist, be aloof, and give him just enough yawn to continue to invest. Even if he thinks he likes her, isn't he in fact valuing a smoke screen, value that appears to exist (a high value woman will resist, a lower value woman won't), but hasn't actually been proven?

If men assess low value to women who have fast sex, isn't that because most men just don't have a clue what's high value and what's not? And since women know that most men have no clue what to value in a woman (except pretty, not too fat, somewhat smart, and not being too easy), women use this to their advantage and put up smoke screens to up their value in the eyes of men? They resist sex, they appear aloof, they make men invest, they make men do work, while they themselves hang back, collect orbiters who basically do all the work??

Shouldn't a man pay much closer attention to women before assessing her value? Instead of chasing, shouldn't a man ignore these ridiculous attempts that women use to "show" value and instead deep dive to gauge her psychology, ambition, etc since in the long run these traits are what count? Put her thru the ringer and make her invest, make her prove to him what she's all about and if she's doing a half assed job either give her the bored look or tease her about being half-assed? If she tries to friend zone you, either ignore it or tell her you don't have room for more friends? In short, shouldn't a man just be a fucking authority figure and be completely unafraid to lose a woman and refuse to put up with any Cosmopolitan tactics (except for the rare girls who truly come along once in a grey moon?)

For me, the girls who I want as long-term girlfriends must necessarily have character traits that I want. Ambition, ability to take initiative, beauty, sensual appeal, smarts, charm, wit, spice, scintillating conversation ability and so on. Very similar to y'all's description of Brazilian women the other day. If a woman possesses these traits in abundance, I'd consider her to be so rare that she wouldn't have to do much for me to like her. It'd be effortless. All she'd have to do is show up, be attainable, and that's it. I'd already like her prior to sex. And so even if we have sex fast, I'd already want to stick around... regardless of her "resistance" or not. IF on top all her value she put up some resistance, employed some push/pull, erected barriers, be a challenge, etc would certainly spice things up for me, but they'd be like icing on the cake...great to have but not absolutely necessary.

What are your thoughts on the dating advice magazines and how they impact American women's behavior toward men, and compare this behavior (aloof, etc) to women from other locales, say Brazil?!

This is why for me if a girl doesn't make me extremely excited, the only way I'd persist thru LMR is if she is at least good enough at some of the traits I like. Otherwise I either kick her out or I leave. I don't have the time to waste persisting with some mediocre woman. I get offended. And even if we have sex and I stick around for a while, if she turns out to be boring or unnecessarily needy/overly dramatic, my attraction fades fast.

And also do you think that the "average aggressiveness" of men in a city has any impact on how women behave toward men in that city? For example, in cities with more aggressive men, men with tight game, are women there less forgiving of mistakes and neediness, they expect men to take most of the risk/initiative (oozing sexy, persisting in the face of extreme disinterest like it doesn't matter, not caring about shit testing, making sure you truly are supremely confident like it's all one big game to you and if she doesn't come with you then something is wrong with her mental process) whereas in cities with men who are less aggressive women are more forgiving? I've only lived in American cities with seemingly aggressive men (Washington, DC and NYC) and a lot of women in those cities are not easy at all at least at first, some scowl, some ooze aloofness, some ignore all but the BEST men, but the other day I went to Florida and had a relatively easy time with women, they had way more warmth, which makes seduction more fun and easy, they were less resistant to my charms, were way more overt about their interest (still indirect tho), and gave me more more leeway than I get in my home city. I was blown away! Any thoughts on this phenomenon? Maybe I appeared more "rare" in Florida than at home, but who knows?

And another thing I wish you touched on but I think it needs to be mentioned is that the more experience you gain with women, the more you can gauge if a woman's resistance or "partner count #" is fact or fiction. In my experience, even if they claim to be beginners, they eventually say or do something in bed that makes you scratch your head like "hmmm, she said she's a beginner but I never taught her that advanced move, where'd she learn that from?? Interesting!"

So in short, there is more to the story than resistance to sex, and men should pay attention to woman's real personality traits because those are the traits that he will need, in addition to his own, to build an amazing future (or not).

Cheers,

340Breeze.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: There is more to the story than "resistance"

Author

Breeze-

Yes, I've been to a few leadership seminars - these are generally light on details and heavy on pump-up. The way you make money speaking is via getting everyone excited and having them come away saying, "Wow, that speaker was INCREDIBLE!" but not necessarily by having everyone come away saying, "Okay, I'm going to do this and change this and implement that." It's also generally easier to learn over time, at your own pace, than to try to cram all the learning into one quick seminar - it's just a less effective learning method, usually.

The description of how most men and most women think about sex and partner counts is accurate, yes. There are plenty of outliers - like, once you're very experienced with women, you stop thinking that just because she went to bed with you fast, she must be easy - actually, these days, if a girl goes to bed with me fast and isn't otherwise clearly very sexual, I find she's often inexperienced, whereas if a girl is able to deflect my advances, I find she's generally quite experienced, and angling for a relationship. But for an average guy who knows he's no more talented getting women in bed than most, his assumption is normally that if she goes to bed with HIM fast, she'll go to bed with ANYONE fast, and he ends up having doubts about her fidelity / trustworthiness that can make it more difficult for him to have a relationship with her.

On why men prefer lower partner counts - see this article: "How Many Partners Has Your Girlfriend Had? Find Out Here." According to the research, a woman's infidelity risk increases by 7% per partner; thus, a woman with 11 partners is twice the risk of a woman with 1; a woman with 17 partners 3 times the risk; a woman with 21 partners 4 times the risk; and a woman with 25 partners 5 times the risk. There are also differences in submission / independence that are quite closely tied to partner count - a woman with 2 partners is necessarily going to be much more submissive than one with 20. It's also easier for men to maintain relationship control with women who are less sexually experienced than they are, and, conversely, it's more difficult for them to maintain respect in their relationships with women who are more experienced than they.

On value assessments prior to sex: yes, these are usually largely based on appearances, which are easily manipulated (and women are by far the better sex at this). That's another reason why I caution against getting too attached before the sale.

As for valuing women differently by speed to sex - men are actually using this as a proxy for women's sexual experience, and valuing them by that. For an ordinary man, a girl it takes him a long time to get to bed he assumes is difficult to get, and thus, a safer bet for investing his time and resources in - she's less likely to stray, lead him into a messy and costly divorce, etc. Value's highly subjective, and what men value in women is tied to what their intentions are with those women - if their intentions are long-term relationships, fidelity is generally one of the most highly valued traits there is. However, most men - because they're inexperienced with women - are very bad at accurately gauging women's actual sexual experience and sexual inclinations / infidelity risk, along with other measures of value she may have.

The list of things you have that men would do better to do I'd agree with, but of course, what people "should" do and what they ACTUALLY do are often two different beasts. And for a man who's relatively inexperienced with women (a serial monogamist, say, or a man who hasn't really slept with that many women or studied dating, women, and relationships all that much), he doesn't know how to do these things, wouldn't know what to look for, and is simply going by the best metric he has available to try to get some handle on a woman's infidelity risks as a relationship partner. Also, as for qualities most men look for: ask an average guy what he wants in a woman, and he'll give you a purely physical description: blonde hair, big tits, nice legs, not fat. He might tell you he wants her to be "nice", too. That's generally it. Most men, because they are not ambitious themselves, shrink back in fear at the notion of dating an ambitious woman… she'd eat them alive.

Dating advice magazines - I don't really pay much attention to these, but I do notice women sometimes explaining something silly I've called them out on by saying, "But XYZ magazine said this is good!" to which I will say, "Oh. Really? Yeah, you could try using that on some other guy maybe… might work on some Regular Joe." But it seems that if you are not solid enough that you're cracking women's attempts to use things they've read in magazines on you, then yes, you may be subject to whatever the latest article in Cosmo is telling women to go do. Women in many other cultures are certainly less aloof, by my experience, but part of this may just be the foreigner effect… women are much more skeptical by nature toward the men of their home countries.

Average aggressiveness - yes, this definitely plays a strong role. I cut my teeth in D.C., then moved to San Diego, and when I got there, I found that all the men were much more aggressive with women, and the women were much more cautious and closed by comparison with the women in D.C. Probably why there's such a large pickup community in San Diego when compared to some of the other towns out there, despite it being much smaller than many of them. Visit Italy (or Spain, I'm told), where the men are EXTREMELY aggressive, and the women are extremely reserved, and quite difficult to get. Conversely, travel to most Asian countries, where the men are much more passive, and you'll have a pretty easy time with the women, because they're just much happier to be approached on average.

Well, that was a long comment and a long reply, but some interesting questions in there, Breeze!

Chase

Trevor's picture

Reputation


Hey Chase,
I remember a while back ,when I first started came across girlschase, you mentioned that while guys will view women who have had many partners as less desirable, women view guys who they know do not have a lot of partners as less desirable. I've been using this site for 3 years and over the years I've improved on my game and my fundamentals. I currently have my eyes on this gorgeous girl that I met through social circle but the problem is that she's friends with girls that I have a bad reputation with. When I saw bad reputation I mean in varying ways. with a lot of them they flat out rejected me when I was younger and less experienced. And with others they have a lot of disdain to me from auto-rejection.
In fact I hit it off quite well with this girl and realised that a lot of her friends were trying to cockblock me. I handled it well enough but I ended up having to deal with an emergency quickly. Once that was sorted I get back and she's beyond cold. I know that it would be hard for me to bed those other girls now that they have a fixed opinion of me but what I want to know is how I can befriend them so they atleast would root for me in such situations. Could you also do a post on general reputation with girls and what's the best kind to have.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Reputation

Author

Trevor-

Certainly - I'll mark that one down for a post!

Chase

[Edit: overlooked and forgot to reference Peter's fantastic article on the subject here: "Killer Reputation Management for Your Social Circle."]

Anonymous's picture

Chase, I'm experiencing


Chase,

I'm experiencing similar problems, however I've been in an exclusive relationship with this girl for several months. I'm a senior in college, a little inexperienced, and this is my first real sexual relationship.

We sleep over at each other's places a few times a week, but we don't always have sex. I try to initiate, but she'll have some excuse and I end up rejected and frustrated. I know this will make me look weak in her eyes and I want to avoid this.

When we first started having sex, she was chasing me. Now I feel like she's gained an "upper hand" now that we're in a relationship. How should I respond to her rejections toward my advances? Also is there a better way to initiate once we're in bed?

Once it becomes clear that I want sex, it feels like it becomes a big deal, when we could have gotten it over with instead of beating around the bush. It's getting difficult for me to initiate every time and I'm worried that this may hurt our relationship. Please help me, or point me to any articles that might help! Thanks.

Chase Amante's picture

Girlfriend Declining Sex

Author

Anon-

One disadvantage you have here unfortunately is that you're fighting precedent: it sounds as though she's used to you chasing sex and her declining it at this point. What you do depends on how important sex really is to you.

The best thing for getting some short-term change is kicking her out after she spurns your advances several times, and doing so in a calm, balanced, unemotional way, as if your buddy had come over to play video games, but decided when he got there he didn't want to play video games, and now he's just taking up space and distracting you and you'd prefer to do something else: "All right, yeah, seems like you're not feeling it... well, I've got to get some work done tonight, so why don't we reconvene another time."

How she reacts depends how into you she is. If she isn't all that interested, she may just take the opportunity as an excuse to bail from the relationship. If she DOES really like you though, she'll become more receptive the next few times you see her. Just get in the habit of taking off (if you're at hers) or sending her home (if she's at yours) if sex isn't forthcoming.

Over the long-term though, you must make her want sex with you, and be insatiable for it, if you want an unlimited supply of it. See these articles for help on that:

I wouldn't recommend the measures from the first article there until you've reset the precedent, though, because the more she rejects you, the more she's going to reject you, and the harder and firmer... think of each rejection you get as digging the hole you're in a little deeper, and the bigger the overture rejected, the larger the shovelful dug out of the hole.

Assuming she doesn't have a rock-bottom sex drive (which some people do... there is a small portion of people with very low or no sex drives, but before you assume she's this, make sure you're giving her earth-shattering sex, because it's easy to tell yourself, "I guess she just doesn't like sex," when in fact it's that your game still needs some stepping up), you can give her enough good sex once the two of you are having it again that she should start to seek you out for sex, or at least readily accept your advances.

Try to give her an amazing time, every time, and she'll almost never say "no."

Chase

Robert3's picture

Problems


Hey Chase!

First of all, great article - as always.

I've been reading articles on your site since... I can't remember when. They're worth gold. Keep up the good work!

But I have a question and I need your help. I read tons of advice on the game, I believe I'm charming and witty, I can talk with anyone about anything and I'm pretty good looking guy too (that's what I've been said)... but. I have a two really big, BIG, insecurities. I know, I should not give a damn about what anyone things and accept myself the way I am.

But those two insecurties made me anti-social in past, afraid of meeting new people and talking at all. I feel like I'm wasting my potential. And those insecurities are - my crooked teeth. I wear braces and I can't wait to get them off, on the day when this happens I will go to a bar and talk with everyone there. I'm afraid of smiling, because my teeth are (were even more) crooked. But as you know smile shows confidence so it's a must for me to have a nice smile. I can't do much about it, just need to wait to get my braces off.

The second one is a big one. This is probably the biggest insecurity in my life. I have a speaking problem. I can't pronounce a letter 'R' and in my native language (I'm not English speaker), you can really hear when someone doesn't pronounce 'R'. And to make it even more harder, I have two 'R's in my name Robert. I can't introduce myself, because people never understand what I say. I always try to get introduced by the mutual friends. I avoide using words with letter 'R' which makes everything much more awkward. I really don't know what to do with this. It doesn't affect pickup, it affects my everyday, normal life.

If I would get ride of those two flaws, I'm sure I would have no excuses. I would be like rocket shot into the sky. Fullfiling my full potential.

Please give me your advice on this.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Problems

Author

Robert-

See my earlier reply to you here: "Speaking and Smiling."

Chase

Christian ...'s picture

Tandem Hunting


Hey Chase,

I really love your articles and have always felt you talk about everything important to me regarding women.

However there has been one thing not yet adressed, whick would really help me at the moment:
How do you go about tandem hunting, i.e. you and your girlfriend going out together to pick up a third girl for a threesome?

Unfortunately I didn't find a good answer on this in the recent threesome article and it would be amazing if you could adress this.

Thanks a bunch!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Tandem Hunting

Author

Christian-

That'd be a great topic, yeah. That's one where I don't have experience personally, but I'll filter it out to the team and see if we've got someone on staff who can do a piece on it - it's now on the article queue.

I will say that what I've heard from others has been "let the girl do all the work, while you're just there, looking good, and she picks the girl up, escalates to sex, and you join in later." There's a certain amount of coaching that seems to go into it - just tell her what to do, but then hang back and let her do it. I heard from one guy that his girlfriend would go into the girls' bathrooms in nightclubs, pick out a girl looking at herself in the mirror, and open with, "Oh my God, you are SO beautiful!" and the two of them would get to talking, go outside and sit at the bar, she'd briefly mention / introduce the boyfriend, and then suck the other girl into excited conversation and admiring touches until it was time to pull.

Chase

Christian ...'s picture

Chase, thank you so much for


Chase, thank you so much for the reply and for putting the topic in the article pipeline, really looking forward to it! It's great how much value you put out!

Torus's picture

get a second chance by not feeling rejected


Hi Chase,
I totally agree with your post, just wanted to add my experience, because my rate of second chances was much higher, when I started training pickup, although as you said, moving fast was still important!

The important mindset is even if she is totally blocking you, you cannot let it ruin the mood. E.g. if you are making out heavily but she will not let you in her pants, just accept it and take away some of the passion. It is totally fine that you tried and when you really cannot make it happen just be cool about. You do not want her to have this weird thinking that things are different now. You can try again in a few minutes. If it fails multiple times, except it, get out of snuggle mode(take away) and have an interesting conversation with her (don't verbalize her resistance!).

Basically you stay the same cool guy she decided to kiss in the first place. She is missing out.

The next time she comes over, things will go more smoothly.

Chase Amante's picture

Getting Second Chances

Author

Torus-

That's a very good point, actually... yeah. Looking back, a large number of the girls I tried, failed, and then had another shot with were ones where composure was maintained and everything stayed cool.

The ones where you lose it, get disappointed, and shift into a, "All right, this sucks; I totally just wasted a bunch of my time. Let me show you to the door," mentality the girl always gets confused and weird and seems like she feels like she was bait-and-switched.

So maybe the advice for getting a higher percentage of second chances during failed escalations: stay cool and don't be a baby.

Great comment here, and thanks for sharing your insight, Torus.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Talking game with women


Do you ever talk with girls about the game and tactics you are using on them and other girls? Can talking about it (not just tactics, but human biology and psychology in general) cause them to see you as a manipulative person?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Talking game with women

Author

Anon-

I don't normally, but when I sometimes do, what I find is that girls will usually dismiss any talk of tactics and counter that the REAL attraction I have is because my eyes are so hypnotizing, or something like that.

When I try telling them that I taught myself to have those eyes, they respond with, "No, I don't think so... you're born with those eyes."

I can remember talking game occasionally with women when my fundamentals were not as tight, though, and the response then would be more along the lines of, "Yeah, but that stuff doesn't work on most girls... only on dumb girls / sluts."

Basically what seems to happen is if the girl is attracted to you, she will attribute the attraction to something she perceives as outside your control, rather than whatever you attempt to attribute it to.

If she is not attracted to you, you can tell her all you want about how good your game is, but all she knows is that SHE isn't feeling it, so if it works, it must only work on girls unlike her - the sluts and the dumb girls (ever notice how no girl is ever a slut or a dumb girl herself - it's always some OTHER girl?).

It's generally good form to not brag or advertise about your success with women, but once you get to the point where women are strongly attracted to you automatically, you can say things like, "You know, I didn't always used to have it so good with women. Girls used to be SCARED of me, believe it or not! I was a bad, scary man. I had to STUDY women [said seductively... think the way you would say that you studied women's bodies, and say it that way], and learn their tricks. Now I do the same things with women that they do with men. You can't fool me, little miss... I know your eyes are always watching and your wheels are always turning."

Girls eat that right up. It's also something of a chase frame, since you're implying that women are the ones who are really the master puppeteers, pulling strings and creating appearances to maneuver themselves into being with the men they want (which, really, is what a lot of them are doing the majority of the time).

Chase

The M's picture

Unusual locations


Hi Chase,

What if the failed escalation takes place in an unusual location, e.g. outside, in a forest, etc., say because the guy or girl gets uncomfortable, or because the logistics aren't good? Does the novelty make up for the failed escalation?

Best,
The M

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Unusual locations

Author

M-

Depends on how it fails. If it fails because you give up too easily, that can kill it. If you give up in a way that maintains the romance though - pick her up, swing her around, tell her you will sweep her off to somewhere more private, where the two of you can ravish each other in secrecy - you can very much preserve the lust and tension this way, or even amplify it.

Chase

Naz's picture

Boyfriend slot


Hello Chase,

I was wondering if you happen to get slotted into the boyfriend material and did not recover are you doomed to not even able to have a relationship with the woman?

It comes across in the article that being slotted into the boyfriend category would not work out because of the psycology of not being able to get her to bed and she loses interests based on not progressing passed this even if the LMR results from being a relationship candidate.

Keep up the quality work,

Naz (Newbie)

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Boyfriend slot

Author

Naz-

No - all hope is not lost! Plenty of men women see as boyfriend candidates still sleep with those women for the first time every day, it's just normally after a slightly more drawn out dating routine than what I'd normally recommend.

However, if you're still getting started, you're more likely than not going to need a few dates to get to sex anyway, in which case, the article you'll want is the one on date compression - that's this one right here: "Having Lots of Dates in Short Amounts of Time."

Chase

Yink's picture

Breaking Up The Second Time Around!!!


Hi Chase,great article.I am the guy who you advised to break up with his virgin girlfriend who won't give him sex for 5 months.I got back together with her again but she didn't still open herself to me.Now my question is this:how do I break up with her AGAIN?.She still calls me,visits me,though not like before our first break-up(her investment in me has reduced,BUT she still loves me).She wants me to STILL wait for sex but I feel like the more I wait,things can go wrong.Should I start ignoring her or should I just break up with her again telling her that love isn't just enough because I need sex?.Thanks.

Chase Amante's picture

Second Breakup

Author

Yink-

Yeah - I'd just tell her that the two of you are looking for different things; you need a woman who can express herself physically with you, because you need the closeness that only sex brings, and for you, a relationship without intimacy simply isn't enough. Tell her she needs to find a guy who's better suited to what she's looking for - someone who also wants to wait for marriage to have sex - and that if she looks, you're certain she'll find him.

Then let her go.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

This melted my brain. And


This melted my brain. And even after reading this, it still pisses me off because how complicated girls make this.

Anonymous's picture

Sleep with her if possible !


Hi Chase,

I absolutely agree. If there is possibility to have sex on the first date and logistics is ok, go for it! It should even be an imperative to prepare logistics if possible, just in case.

This is very painful - I lost several great women this way. I planned a long date and she was ok with it. However, there was a problem (due to my profession) and I had only 1-2 hours. I texted the woman several hours before the date, so that she knew about the change. The date went like it should - we were kissing each other within an hour. She wanted me, I wanted her, but I had to leave. We promised each other to meet again, but IT NEVER HAPPENED.

I think the problem is following. The woman knows that the only possible second date scenario is to meet for the first sex together. I guess that makes her feel like a slut and she rationalizes herself into not going for it. But as there is no other scenario, she will just leave.

What is your opinion on that problem, Chase?

Cheers, David

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