We Are Not Having Sex Tonight: What Happens When You Don’t
Saturday, 28 September 2013
We've been seeing more comments from readers lately asking about situations like what Mike ran into the other day as remarked on the "How to Steal a Girl" article:
I am 19 and I really appreciate all the insightful information you've made available for guys like me to read who aren't all that experienced.
I have a situation where I've been talking with a girl for a few months, and I finally got to see her for the first time two weekends ago(we live a state apart from each other) after texting, talking on the phone and FaceTiming daily before that.
She had been giving me slight hints that she liked me by little mannerisms and things that were made aware to me by reading your posts. Also, I flew up to see her and she dropped $250 on the hotel and drove me around all weekend, so I got her to invest. The first night I had a plan to have sex with her, and followed your suggestions that you had laid out to the tee.
The night started off great and I could tell she was into me so physical escalation was simple, but after quite a bit of foreplay I made a rookie mistake and left my condoms out of reach. And when I tried to make the move to get them, it took her out of seduction mode and allowed her to think, reminding herself about the internal moral belief she had told me previously about not having sex with guys she's not in a relationship with; therefore killing the vibe for the night.
This was on a Friday night and we spent the rest of the weekend hanging out since we made a special occasion due to the long distance situation. Nothing happened sexually on Saturday or Sunday and she was acting aloof and uninterested on Sunday so I could tell something was up.
I left for home unsure of what was on her mind and now, over a week later, in the time that has passed she has been short texting me with nearly zero emotion or ignoring my texts altogether. In addition, she turned down my offer to facetime, which she has never done before. So it is obvious that something is up, but when I resorted to going "alpha-male" and looking for a response she said she's "been busy?" and didn't respond to my next text asking about it.
Is this a sign of auto-rejection? Or is she testing me with the mixed signals BS? I am really in my head, beating myself up about things I may have done wrong because I know she likes me, but I'm not sure how things could have gone sour so quickly. I thought I had her chasing me and I know she was into me but now I'm afraid I'm getting close to chasing her. Once again, I'm really thankful for all the work you do. I'm aware that this is a lot and my situation is a unique one. I would greatly appreciate any advice and feedback you have for my situation!!
Thank you for your time,
That is to say, situations where the guy takes things right up to the point of sex with a new girl... only for it to fall flat; she says 'no', and he walks away, figuring he can always try again later.
Except, after that single failure, there's almost never a "later."
Why do women vanish after you come right to the brink but don't go over - what's the psychology behind this, and what are the options you have to do anything about it?
At last... you finally got her alone with you. Just the two of you -
Tension hangs in the air... it's palpable. You drink it in.
Mustering your resolve, you take her, and kiss her... and she kisses you back.
You begin running your hands up and down her body, feeling the mounds of her breasts, the flatness of her stomach, the tubes of her thighs.
Clothes start coming off. She resists; you persist. She resists
persist more. Off with her shirt. Off with her bra. Off with her socks.
Then, though, you hit a point you cannot get past: she won't let you
take her pants off. "We are not
having sex tonight," she tells you adamantly. She clings to her belt
with an eagle's grip; you can't get her unbuckled, unbuttoned, unzipped.
Inside, you wonder, "Why?!"... but outside, you stay cool and resolute, and try to continue your escalation with her.
Nothing works though, and after a time, you run out of steam, and yield.
"Well, I can always try with her another time," you tell yourself to ease your defeat - but the emotion you feel is not hope and excitement that next time, next time you'll seal the deal.
The only emotion you feel is disappointment.
And after that night, you never get her alone with you again.
Feelings are All That Matters
There are two strong emotions you can possibly feel around sex and the escalation to sex:
- Excitement / victory, and
- Disappointment / defeat
Of course, there are other, more nuanced emotions you can feel as well, but those we aren't concerned with here.
What we want are the themes.
And when it comes to getting girls in bed, there are really only two: victory, and defeat.
Just like you, women feel these SAME emotions about sex. In many ways, a woman's emotions revolving around sex are going to be similar to yours; in some ways, they will diverge.
Here are the scenarios in which sex normally feels triumphant and victory-like for men and for women:
|Sex happened easily
||Sex happened easily and was good|
|It was a struggle, but sex
||Put up a struggle, but sex happened and it was good|
|Sex didn't happen right away,
but went to bed and woke up later / the next morning, and sex happened
||Sex didn't happen right away, but went to bed and woke up later / the next morning, sex happened, and it was good|
|Decided midway through
escalation that sex was NOT wanted, and aborted before going any further
||Put up a struggle, decided sex
was NOT wanted, and successfully deflected it
Note that feelings of triumph / victory / satisfaction for women are largely tied to whether the sexual experience made her feel good or not (a combination of factors mostly relating to whether the sex itself was exciting, pleasurable, and passionate, and whether the experience with the man was romantic, rewarding, and encouraging).
For a man, sex is generally still a victory even if the sex itself is bad and the experience isn't terribly good, although the level of the victory will trend more towards "mediocre" than "incredible." Some women (particularly very sexually experienced / post-sexual awakening women) may still consider sex a victory even if the sex is bad and the experience is unrewarding, simply because the way they view sex is now more a traditionally masculine pursuit of new sexual experiences and conquests than a traditionally feminine pursuit of good feelings.
In contrast with these, here are the situations in which sex is a defeat for men and the situations in which sex is a defeat for women:
|Wanted sex, but sex did not
||Sex happened easily and was bad|
|Put up a struggle, but sex happened and it was bad|
|Sex didn't happen right away, but went to bed and woke up later / the next morning, sex happened, and it was bad|
|Put up a struggle, WANTED
sex, but man gave up, did not overcome resistance, and did not make sex
|Thought sex was going to happen,
but man aborted for whatever reason
Thus, women's reasons for being disappointed with sex are much more varied than men's - for a man, sex is disappointing if it's wanted but doesn't happen, and this is disappointing for women too, but it's also disappointing for women if they get the sex, and the sex itself or the experience around it is unsatisfying.
What Happens When She's Disappointed?
When a woman is disappointed with her first sexual - or nearly sexual - experience with you, what happens is this: she usually doesn't give you a shot at Round 2.
Why? Well, what's important to understand here is how men and women vary in their acquisitions of sex partners. Here's the difference:
For a man: the question is "Do I want sex with her, and can I get inside her?" Because a failure to get to sex during escalation the man usually views as either him making a mistake or her not being "ready", he'll typically see a failed escalation as simply him needing to try something different next time, or wait until she's more ready for intimacy - therefore, his answer to "Do I want sex with her, and can I get inside her?", despite his disappointment at not getting to sex, remains "Yes."
For a woman: the question is similar - it's "Do I want sex with him, and can he get inside me?" However, rather than an assessing of one's own abilities (Man: "Of COURSE I can get inside her! I can do ANYTHING!"), she's assessing someone else's abilities, which leads to a different outcome; and, her willingness to dismiss a man as undesired is generally greater than most men's is with women. If the man fails to get to penetrative vaginal sex when he tries to, the woman writes him off - either backwards rationalizing that they did not have sex because she didn't really want it or it "wasn't meant to be", or completely losing faith in the man's ability to do what needs to be done and get to sex. Either way, her answer to "Do I want sex with him, and can he get inside me?" has become "No."
Bad sex is better than no sex in this regard, because the only question she must answer now is "Do I want sex with him?" since she already knows the answer to "Can he get inside me?" ("Yes", since it's already happened now). "Do I want sex with him?" is a highly subjective question to answer, and it's helped a good deal by the answer to "Can he get inside me?" - if it's "No", then if she was on the fence about whether she wanted sex with you, then you're written off; if it's "Yes" and she was on the fence, she's a lot more likely to just say, "Okay, well, maybe I ought to give him another shot and see if it's better the second time around."
Very worth noting: the point that must be passed for the "Can he get inside me?" questioned to be answered "Yes" is penetrative vaginal sex. Not oral sex, not a hand job, and not anal - these are all things that women offer up in various circumstances in order to avoid vaginal sex (because they're uncertain, unsure, or simply don't want to come across too eager or too easy). If all you get is a blowjob, the answer to "Can he get inside me?" is still usually going to be "No."
Wait - Why Do Women Resist When They WANT Sex?
A lot of sexually frustrated men get very angry about this, because it seems illogical. If you WANT something, and someone OFFERED that something to you, why would you RESIST it, only to end up upset and disappointed when the guy GAVE UP?
If it frustrates you that women do this, I understand; however, it's worth it for you to understand that the reason this frustrates you is because you do not grasp women's priorities.
Getting what it's like to be a woman - being able to empathize with women's position - is crucial for you to clear away resistance to sex a great deal more easily and close things out with women a great deal more often.
Before you can do, you must first understand.
The men who prefer to forego understanding and just want what they want without having to work with anyone else's needs end up with the same thing anyone with an entitlement mentality ends up with: frustration, bitterness, and disappointment.
So let's not be one of THOSE sorry saps, shaking his fist at women and telling them bitterly that they "don't make sense."
Women resist sex even when they WANT sex if they sense or believe you are anything other than the PERFECT short-term lover with NO long-term potential. That's it.
If you aren't dripping with sex appeal and if you have not yet completely eradicated any shred of a signal that you might be boyfriend material, you're going to get some measure of resistance at least some of the time.
Why would women resist sex with you if you show even an inkling of long-term potential? Well, because of MEN: men show women, through women's experience, that they're more likely to stick around and give women relationships and invest in them when women resist.
Men hold women who resist sex in higher regard. They are more likely to view these women as "difficult to get", to view their having gotten to sex with them as larger accomplishments, and to value these women more highly.
They're more likely to give women who resist more relationships, or at least to stick around in some aspect after sex.
And the most important thing for women? More important than sex itself (sans with a really sexy man who's otherwise too much of a social liability for her to want around long term)?
Getting men to stick around.
A woman will forego sex if she thinks it means you're more likely to stick around.
And if you want to say in spite that it's too bad for her, because you're NOT going to stick around if sex doesn't happen... well, doesn't matter, because most men DO.
A woman is going to trust her experience over your words any day of the week... just like you, once you're reasonably experienced with women, will trust your experience with women far more than anything they tell you, too (she's going to the bathroom and will be right back? riiiiiight. She's got to go now, but will text you later? suuuuuuuure).
There's another aspect that's important to this, too: the excitement of having her resistance overcome. When a man overcomes a woman's resistance, the sex is THAT much better.
Some of the fastest and hardest I've had girls orgasm with me was
after getting to sex after long periods of resistance that I at last
overcame. These girls will frequently bind themselves to you much
harder, and hold you in much higher esteem, as well. Just as men hold in higher regard women
they must work harder to break through resistance and bed, women hold
in higher regard men who are successfully able to overcome large
amounts of resistance from them, change their minds, and get to sex
There are exceptions, but this is usually the way it is - the more resistance from her that you overcome to get her, the more you'll respect her, the more she'll respect you, and the more likely the sex is to be very exciting sex.
But if you fail to overcome that resistance, both of you will be disappointed, and she will largely write you off as a sexual option.
You might then say that women who give men resistance to sex are making a kind of subconscious economic gamble: they're judging roughly how much or how little resistance they can give a man before sex, to both screen in the real winners and screen out the uncommitted individuals, and not have him fail to get to sex or fail to stick around.
Generally speaking, the less experienced the woman, the worse she is at gauging a man's ability to overcome her resistance or not (because she hasn't collected enough data points yet on resisting and that resistance's outcomes with various men), and the more uncertain she is about whether she definitely wants sex for sure or not, so the more likely she is to just throw up a wall of resistance at all takers unless she's the thrill-seeking sort.
The more experienced the woman, the better she is at gauging a man's ability to overcome resistance, and the more likely she is to give him just enough to make it challenging for him, but not so much she scares him off... provided she's reasonably sure that intimacy with him is something she wants.
You have two choices when it comes to escalation:
If you're not going to close things out and get to penetrative vaginal sex then and there, don't escalate
If you CAN do the deed - then do it
Inexperienced men generally imagine a third option: "Try, fail, and if it doesn't happen, try again another time," not having experienced yet the fact that the women they fail with usually see their escalation windows slam shut... and that's all she wrote.
If a girl really, really likes you, and/or holds you in extremely high esteem, she'll occasionally be willing to give you a second or (rarely) even a third shot at bedding her. How often does this happen? Maybe 10 to 15% of the time, from what I've seen.
The other 85 to 90% of the time, if you try and fail, you will never have another chance to take her to bed again.
That makes physical escalation something of a high stakes poker game - you either take the pot, or you go home with empty pockets.
Deferring When You Can't Go All the Way
If for some reason you're not ready to close things out, sometimes it can make strategic sense to push off inviting her home until the situation is a tad more in your favor. You'll most often employ this when using date compression, or when you need a quick informational date to break the ice between the two of you and set the stage for a later, more complete dating experience.
You should never use deferral as an excuse because you are SCARED or INTIMIDATED. Do this, and you'll watch attraction expire a lot more often than you need to, and see girls that you had, who were yours, slip through your fingers.
Because of the tendency of newer guys to push things off because they're afraid of attempting them, I recommend you forbid yourself from using deferral as a tactic until you're at least reasonably advanced with women and feel little or no fear about inviting women home and escalating to sex.
When you're newer, you need to be taking girls home and trying to get to sex, in order to learn the process, get comfortable with it, and clear away any fear or hesitation you have about it.
If You're Going to Start - Finish
Obviously, that doesn't mean "GET TO SEX AT ANY COST!!!" We're not talking about forcing yourself on women here... God alive.
Rather, we're more focused on your mindset - and that mindset is, "It happens now, or it doesn't happen at all."
When you are escalating to sex with women, you'll frequently get resistance like this:
- "It's too soon for me."
- "I'm not ready."
- "I don't do this on the first / second / third date."
- "I need more time."
- "We can do this next time."
- "I'm not used to doing this outside a relationship."
... and comments along these lines. You mustn't buy into any of this. Yes, she is having a touch of cold feet. No, the two of you won't do this later if you call it quits now. It is not a genuine, factual statement, nor the girl making a commitment she plans to hold fast to later.
"We can do this next time" means "We will NEVER do this, ever, if we don't do it right now."
That's what it really means.
So, don't hold back on trying things you'd like to try. Don't say to yourself, "Next time," because there won't be a next time. Do whatever you'd like to do now, say whatever you'd like to say now, and try whatever you'd like to try now, because right now is all you're going to get. Address her concerns, and make things happen now if you can. Don't defer to later... because there won't be one.
When you're newer, it's easy to feel like, "Well, we have SUCH a
great connection, and she says 'Next time', and I trust her... that
Chase Amante guy doesn't know what he's talking about," but a few
experiences like this will quickly show you that "connection" you
thought you had didn't mean an ounce next to a failed, abandoned mating
If you quit, and leave, or show her to the door without sex, do so fully knowing that you will likely never be alone this far with her again - so don't do it until you've exhausted all your options and are ready to say "goodbye."
The Third Option
What about that 10 to 15% though?
If a girl REALLY likes you, you can sometimes see her again.
You're not always going to be able to tell when this is. Sometimes
women who seemed like they were absolutely CRAZY about you will go ice
cold right after a failed escalation, while women who seemed like they
couldn't care less about you will be warmer
after a failed escalation, and will readily meet up with you again -
and this time, sex quickly ensues. In fact, this might even be the
norm; the girls with the greatest amount of emotional build-up prior the
escalation crash the hardest on you when you wipe out.
A good rule of thumb is this: the faster you moved with her before she invested much in your emotionally or otherwise, the more likely she is to be open to seeing you again.
Why's this? Well, it's because if you are moving faster with her than most men ever do, rather than writing you off for a very disappointing failed mating attempt, she's likely to be impressed. She's likely to say to herself, "Wow. I can't believe I went that far with a guy I just MET. I must REALLY dig him!"
If you moved at glacial speed though, and tried to take her to bed on the fifth date, several months after you met her, and it didn't happen, unless she's already DECIDED that you are the man of her dreams, she's going to be disgusted and write you off. "I waited THIS long for him, and he STILL couldn't do it? All right... this guy's a putz. I'm out of here."
If you're not advanced with women yet and routinely moving at
lightning speed with girls you meet, sweeping them off their feet,
taking them on dates, or inviting them home the day you meet them, this
usually won't apply. The 10 to
15% of times a girl's open to seeing you again after a failed
escalation are almost always times when you're going for same-day lays
or first date sex and she isn't
terribly emotionally invested in you yet. Once she's invested, if you
mess it up, it's such a huge disappointment that you normally won't
“We Are NOT Having Sex!”
Just bear in mind that when you hear things like this, the girl is
already in a place where she's thinking about sex, and she's more
trying to convince herself
that the two of you aren't going to have sex than she is trying to
convince you... and if she needs convincing, that means she
doesn't really believe it.
There are a variety of ways you can overcome this partial resistance to sex (full resistance is her getting up and leaving, because she just doesn't want it) - these are all discussed in-depth in these articles:
- Resistance to Sex:
The 4 Different Flavors
Women to Bed: Successful Physical Escalation
- How to Get a Girl in Bed: 10 Crucial Tips for Making Her Yours
Minute Resistance from Sexy Women: Treating It and Beating It
On giving her a great time in bed, and preventing disappointment that might dissuade her from wanting a repeat, see these articles:
- How to Be a Good Lover (and Give a Girl Orgasms)
- Make Her Orgasm Hard from Sex in 8 Minutes or Less
- 3 Steps to Help Her to Orgasm from Sex
- How to Prevent
Sex Regret from Women You Sleep With
Just remember, you really only have two options when it comes to escalating to sex and NOT having things blow up in your face:
- Defer to later if you can't close the deal now, or
- Do it now - but knowing that now is all you get
If you're a beginner, deferral is not an option - you're already deferring too much already (and probably missing a lot of chances to take to bed women who are already into you).
And when you're advanced and moving very fast, you'll sometimes hit walls of resistance with women you simply can't overcome, but these women are also the most likely women to hold you in high regard regardless of the lack of sex and remain open to seeing you again and potentially ending up alone with you again.
Keep in mind once you start escalating that if she leaves, you will probably never see her again. This helps you stay sharp, and prevents you from taking the easy (and false) way out of, "Well, I'll just do it with her next time."
If you don't do it with her now, when you have the chance to, there usually isn't going to be a next time.
Do it now... or forever hold your peace.
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