How to Pick Up Girls: The Success Factor, Part IV
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Anyway, that's the science side of state control.
Now you may think, well – these are great ideas, but is it really possible to control your state of mind at every moment? After all, we think tens of thousands of thoughts per day.
Actually, you really only need to put yourself into the state you want when you start any activity… whatever state will be the most resourceful one for that specific task.
If you can then get into the activity and get positive feedback from it, the state will reinforce itself. If it does drop, you simply notice the change in your emotional state and repeat the focus exercise… and correct your physiology along with it.
Keep doing it.
If you’re alone while you’re practicing this, you might want to set a timer that goes off every ten minutes to remind you… like the bells they have in Buddhist temples to remind meditators to stay mindful.
Ever notice how the Dalai Lama always seems to be smiling?
Maybe he read this article :)
Maybe his meditation isn’t to focus on his breath… but instead, to focus on thoughts that create constant bliss inside him. Compassion for other human beings, for example.
How to Apply This to Approach Anxiety
One of the biggest emotional problems men have with their dating lives is the moment of the approach, and the fear and approach anxiety surrounding this crucial moment.
Not only does it usually keep them from talking to strangers and taking a more proactive approach toward improving their love life, it also causes them to approach in the wrong emotional state… which gets transmitted to the woman and is pretty much the opposite of the X-Factor.
This is really the number one reason why more people don’t master the Art of Seduction. This is why most guys don't learn how to pick up girls.
Hence... the level of control you have over this fear is key to how well you do.
Let’s have a closer look at this.
I used to think that the ability to approach girls without fear had a lot to do with how much momentum you have – how many approaches you have been doing recently.
Our anxiety and fear of strangers comes from the fact that our instincts are protecting us from getting into a dangerous situation, such as hitting on a girl whose boy-friend is around the corner. In caveman days, when our brain evolved, that was a serious risk.
A good analogy is a high steel worker – he will be afraid of heights the first few days on the job because his instincts are protecting him from the danger of falling. After a while on the job, however, he will get used to the environment, and heights cease to be a big deal. When he stops working for a few months, however, they fear of heights returns.
The fear of the approach is very similar – and you can indeed condition yourself to cease feeling it.
If you start conversations with strangers every single day, you will eventually be able to do it without even thinking about it. You may even wonder how you were ever able to feel any fear at all – but if you stop approaching for a while, the fear will return.
With the right state control, however, you no longer need to depend on conditioning yourself by massive exposure to what you’re afraid of. You can learn to CHOOSE your mental state… MOMENT TO MOMENT.
And, as we’ve seen above, state control does not need to rely on warm-up approaches or anything else external… it can be created completely internally.
Could You DECIDE to Feel Confident NOW?
Yes, you absolutely could.
Is it just lazy not to?
Yes, it is.
So what could you do about the laziness… the inertia that keeps you from proactively choosing a new state for yourself to be in… that lethargy that keeps you stuck in your comfort zone and within your current emotions?
That, too, is just another decision.
Just like I asked you – could you decide to feel confident now? – you could also decide to feel motivated now.
Create the motivation first… then let all other state changes flow from there.
Increasing the Power of Mental Control
Let’s talk about how you can have an even stronger impact on your own emotional states by moving them along a gradient scale. This, too, was originally taught by Tony Robbins – he calls it a “quality quantifier.”
Don’t worry about the complicated name… just consider that any emotion you ever feel can show up in varying degrees of intensity. You might feel rage, anger, slightly annoyed or neutral – the same emotion, ranging from an intensity of 10 to 0.
The simplest example to work with and practice might be the emotion of desire for a certain kind of food.
- Let’s take a chocolate chip cookie… Maybe your desire for it when you see it is a 7. How could you change that feeling just by changing your thoughts?
- If you imagine it dipped in milk, maybe it goes up to a 9. If you imagine it with cinnamon on top, nice and warm, fresh from the oven maybe your desire increases to a 10.
- On the other hand, if you imagine you just had 30 of them in a row, your desire may now go down to a 0. If you think you picked it up from a trash can, you might reach a -2, or -3. If you imagine there is mold all over it and maggots inside, it might be a -7. And if you visualize it was produced in a nuclear waste dump now maybe it's a -10.
Practice this exercise and use it to enhance any other emotional state you would like to create… toy with the thoughts in your mind, play around with your focus, until the emotions you’re summoning grow stronger and stronger.
This is a knack… you will get better at it with practice.
Maybe you can remember a time when something like that happened in the past, where somebody told you something and suddenly you felt awesome. Feel that out, and see if you can get back into that state.Or maybe you could even fool your brain into thinking something false that would evoke a feeling (you're actually doing this every time you masturbate).
Once I started to understand the power that thoughts and words have over our emotions, and how tweaking them can greatly magnify their power, I realized the true meaning of poetry.
Poets are MASTERS at describing emotions with words… and as we have seen above, just reading the words can elicit the emotions.
It's just a question of picking the right words. Malcolm Gladwell even talks about how reading a text with words like sleep, fatigue, tired and bed can actually make someone yawn.
A good example is that scene from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”, where Morgan Freeman talks about Andy’s carefree attitude. He might simply have said: "Andy was always relaxed."
That would get the point across, you would logically understand the state of mind Andy was in, and you might be able to elicit it in yourself.
Instead, Freeman chooses a much richer description of that same state – this is basically a quality quantifier, and helps to evoke the emotion more easily and more profoundly.
Instead of simply describing Andy as “relaxed”, the words he uses are:
“He had a quiet way about him, a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal around here. He strolled. Like a man in a park without a care or worry. Like he had on an invisible coat that would shield him from this place.”
Next time you want to evoke an emotion in yourself, remember what power the right words and images can have to increase the state you’re trying to produce.
More on Physiology
Now that we’ve discussed the power of the neocortex to change your emotions by controlling your mental focus, let’s have a closer look at how your reptile brain can greatly enhance this process… simply by controlling your physiology.
This is actually very easy to do – simply by moving, breathing, standing, walking and gesturing as you WOULD if you already FELT a certain emotion, you can trigger that very emotion almost instantly.
A great way to take advantage of this fact for the purpose of seduction, at least as an exercise to develop your own confidence, is to emulate a role model.
Pick an actor you like, one that is known for his appeal to women, or maybe even a character that this actor portrays.
Then ask yourself:
- If you were this character, how would you look at people? How would you look at girls?
- How would you breathe?
- How would you gesture, move and carry yourself? How would you walk, what would your posture be like?
- What would your eyes project – what kind of depth, clarity, focus, lucidity and determination?
- What kind of vocal projection would you have – how powerful, masculine, deep and resonant would your voice be?
- How slow would you move and speak?
If you just imitate all of these physiological channels the way you envision your role model would, you will start noticing how your emotional state follows into that reality.
These are training wheels… eventually you will be able to project your own confidence in your own way.
Actors know all about this by the way… you can tell how their emotional states are shifting as they go from scene to scene.
Are they just faking it?
Well, a good actor actually makes himself feel the emotions his character is experiencing… in the way I described above.
What makes a good actor is that he actually BECOMES his character.
He doesn't act frustrated, he makes himself FEEL genuine frustration and then the acting takes care of itself.
As you do this, you may even notice girls STARING at you… they pick up on something.
This is part of the X-Factor… this “je-ne-sais-quoi” that is so hard to define. You will unconsciously begin to communicate high status… shop clerks may also start treating you with more deference.
The Power of Music
Just like poetry, music is another art form we can use to enhance our emotional states.
I don’t mean listening to songs that pump you up before you go to the club… what some people call “pre-gaming.” This doesn’t work very well at all, because by the time you get there, the inflated state you’ve briefly created at home has already evaporated.
Rather, I think of music as a state strengthener. Not something external to draw a state from, but something that can greatly amplify any state you have previously created internally, by channeling your physiology and your focus properly.
Now, you may have noticed that even your favorite song loses its appeal over time. Sometimes we come across a song we just love… and that we’d like to listen to again and again.
But within a couple of times, it seems to go “stale”... and before long, we can’t even stand to listen to that same song anymore.
This proves that music alone cannot trigger states reliably.
However, I’ve found that if I put myself into an “X-Factor state” before listening to music, even songs that had long ago gone stale suddenly win their appeal again… and strengthen the X-Factor state.
There is a scientific explanation for this phenomenon, something Shinzen Young discusses in his excellent program “The Science of Enlightenment” – but suffice to say that with the “barbells of the mind”, we can train our brain to perceive every moment as fresh and new – there is no reason why anything should ever be perceived as stale just because we’ve been exposed to it before.
As we’ve discussed above, most people don’t have a great level of control over their own emotional states. This is because they draw their emotions from their environment.
Something “good” happens, and they’re on top of the world… something “bad” happens, and the state is gone… and turns into depression.
Or, their mind on autopilot randomly thinks positive thoughts, and again they feel elated… but then, the mind might drift off and start focusing on something negative, and they start feeling down.
We absolutely need to start taking control.
Who wants to have his happiness at the mercy of unpredictable events we can’t control, and random thoughts that pop into our heads without warning?
And that's really what the Buddhist talk about when they say we're asleep: we are going in and out of emotional states that we have no control over… because the thoughts trigger the states - and we don't control the thoughts.
This is also where ALL inconsistency comes from… in any skill.
This is why on some days, we do exceptionally well with women, and on other days we come across like a dud and couldn’t even get an old lady to think we’re charming.
Take control of your mind, and your physiology, and you will gain control over your emotions… and ultimately, your consistency in any endeavor you undertake… including, of course, your dating life!
Tune in next week for the final post in this series, as we wrap up how to direct your emotional control into seductive control… and how to become an extraordinarily attractive man.
Onward and upward,
The series continues in How to Pick Up Girls, Part V.
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