Note from Chase: this is Part II of V in our series on How to Pick Up Girls: The Success Factor. Be sure to read How to Pick Up Girls: The Success Factor, Part I first before reading this post, if you haven't already.
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For the longest time, I believed in “game” as the most important factor in picking up girls myself… and I invested a lot of time working mostly on that part of the equation. And I got pretty damn good at it.
The more experiences you make in the real world, however, the more likely you are to run into guys who apparently have no game to speak of, yet have a magic vibe that makes even the most idiotic lines work for them.
And once I came to that realization, I decided to focus all my efforts on decoding this piece of the puzzle. I was going to reverse engineer this X-factor like a mad scientist.
I had some theories; I thought it must have a lot to do with how you FEEL about yourself and your life. Not just state, since state is something temporary… it had to be something much, much deeper than that; and something very subtle.
State is how you feel RIGHT NOW. Whereas this magical vibe seemed to have something to do with how you feel about EVERYTHING. About your life, your status, your wealth, your future and your social connections. How happy you are, and how much you feel like you're in control of your life and in the flow with everything.
That was, however, just a theory… I had to dig deeper.
How to Pick Up Girls: The Foundation
One thing that is very obvious about the men who have this magic charm is that they are VERY comfortable in their own skin. They don’t display any signs of insecurity… and they are not faking that, either. It’s real… and it flows from a deep knowing within.
We humans, in general, tend to do best at anything when we’re completely comfortable with whatever it is we’re doing.
I once had the great fortune of getting to ask an internationally famous musician about this topic – I asked him, what is the secret of performing artists who never make any mistakes on stage?
We’re all just human, after all… and to err is human.
His response was – they play songs that are EASY for them. Even a lower intermediate piano student will be able to play “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” without making any mistakes… because his real skill level is much higher than the song he is performing requires.
People who seem to never make any mistakes have reached a level where the songs they’re performing are ridiculously easy to them.
They are 100% comfortable with what they’re doing.
And just like you need to be very comfortable with a song in order to play it well, you need to be very comfortable with your own life to live it well.
This is what creates this deep knowing within… that sense of certainty that women can pick up on from men with that magic vibe we’re talking about.
The Three Pillars of Life Mastery
Now, in order to feel completely comfortable with your life, you need to feel like you’re in charge of things. You need to feel like you’re controlling events, and not that events are controlling you. It really helps if you can feel, in your gut, that everything is okay, and that you will be able to handle any challenge that life might throw at you.
So what exactly does that mean – “everything is okay”?
On the most basic level, that means that all your needs and desires are met. And if you look at the famous “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs”, you can quickly deduct that all the needs we need to meet fall into one of the following three categories: Health, Wealth and Relationships.
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Does that mean that you need to be a millionaire with an Adonis body and a harem of ten playmates? Is that what it takes to feel so comfortable with your life that you will project this magical aura we’re talking about here?
The degree to which you have to meet these needs in order to feel comfortable with your life varies greatly from person to person. Some people are totally broke, but they don’t have any worries about money because they don’t value financial abundance very highly. Other people have a six-figure income and are still stressed about their financial future.
This explains why sometimes a car mechanic who lives from paycheck to paycheck can ooze a vibe of being in charge of his life… while an entrepreneur who rolls in twenty million a year might be totally depressed because he can’t make the 100 million he thinks he should be making.
What are your needs? How much money do you need to feel comfortable with your life? What kind of shape do you need your body to be in to feel sexually comfortable with your clothes off? What kind of social network do you need to feel well connected?
In order to project that you’re completely comfortable in your own skin, which is an important foundation of the X-Factor, your reality needs to match your blueprint for what your life should look like.
You either have to adjust your reality to your expectations, i.e. become successful enough to be able to say… yes… I’ve made it. My life is exactly the way I want it to be.
Or, if that’s not possible – at least not in the short term – you have to adjust your expectations to be able to say… I’m okay as I am right now, and even though I’m still improving my situation, my life is already good enough as it is.
Success breeds confidence… so build a life that allows you to feel successful in all three areas.
The next piece of the charisma puzzle is this: emotions are contagious.
I have mentioned this in a previous post – since we humans are social animals, we have evolved mechanisms that allow us to pick up on other people’s emotions. And not only do we notice them, we also automatically mirror them… and experience them ourselves!
When you’re around somebody who is angry, it is very easy to get sucked into that person’s emotional state and feel angry too. Another example - when you’re in a church or temple full of people who are in contemplation, you might begin to feel a sense of serenity yourself.
If somebody is always in such a good mood that they make you feel good just by being around them, you will want to be around them more in order to feel these emotions more. And in the same way, women gravitate to men who can create certain emotional states in themselves and transfer these states to them.
People who have the “X-Factor” consistently FEEL emotions that other people want to feel. Women pick up on these emotions, and it draws them to these men like moths to the light.
So the two big questions are:
- What emotions do Master Casanovas experience and transfer to the women they’re seducing? One hint: What emotions do you want her to experience?
There is a rule in NLP: “You Go First.” Induce in yourself the emotions you want others to feel. Can you see how simple this makes everything?
If you can make yourself feel completely relaxed, women will tend to relax around you. And if you can make yourself feel highly sexual and aroused, chances are women will experience the same emotional state – provided you do it in the right context.
We will explore all of this in more depth later, particularly which emotions are best suited for the purpose of meeting, dating and seducing women. In the meantime, the second question is this:
- How EXACTLY can you induce any emotions in yourself CONSISTENTLY?
How can you control your own emotional state – is that even possible?
If you ask 10 people on the street whether they have control over their own emotions and whether they can choose how they feel or whether feelings are something that happens to them, most of them will likely tell you that they don’t have a great deal of control over their emotions at all.
There is a reason why this seems difficult – but if you understand this reason, you can use a strategy that circumvents it. And with some practice, you can gain almost total control over your own emotions.
When “Pickup Artists” talk about state, they often mean how you feel when you’re out at the club, looking to pick up women. They usually say that they’re either “in state” or “out of state”.
The state they refer to is not what we’re looking for in this context. They usually mean being high-energy and sociable… and they may even approach several groups of people just to “warm up” and get into this state.
This can be effective in order to overcome approach anxiety and to become more extroverted… in fact, if you do it a couple of times, you might suddenly experience AA as “approach addiction” and feel the desire to approach more and more strangers.
However, this state is not helpful to build the X-Factor, as it floods your blood with a ton of adrenaline and can easily make you come across as hyper… especially during the day, it will be counterproductive and hurt more than it helps. You want to be a sexual man... not a hyper man.
If you manage to get girls to respond to you in this state, this will be based on ATTENTION, not based on ATTRACTION... in other words, reactions instead of results. I’ve experienced this state myself and it almost feels like a cocaine rush… you think that you’re the SHIT!
In the meantime, everybody else is just wondering what in the world you have been smoking.
It is also not true state control at all, since you’re still drawing your state from the environment… you’re not creating the state you want from within, but rather you’re relying on the people around you as a crutch in order to influence how you feel.
Rather than switching from an introverted state to a hyperactive state that almost resembles being on drugs, and doing so by relying on other people, we want to develop a high degree of INTERNAL state control, where we can make ourselves feel any emotion we want… without relying on ANYTHING external at all.
It is not… and I will prove it to you.
Your Brain Has a Hardware Conflict!
If you’ve studied any evolutionary psychology, you may have come across the “Triune Brain Model”. In essence, it explains that the human brain evolved in phases.
- The first animals to leave the water were reptiles, and their brains were very primitive survival machines. They only processed simple instinctual responses, such as eat, fight, flee and procreate.
- The next stage of evolution were mammals… they have more complex brains that are capable of emotions, but these evolved ON TOP OF the reptile brain and still contain the more primitive instincts underneath their more sophisticated neurology capable of bonding and building social structures.
- Finally, we humans evolved, and our brain is the most intricate on this planet so far. We are the first to have a third version of this brain, the neocortex. It is our rational mind, it is the part that allows us to think logically and make conscious decisions.
Just like mammals also have the reptilian brain, we humans actually have all three of them, because they evolved on top of each other. We have:
- The reptilian brain, which is our PHYSICAL brain… it is responsible for our more primitive instincts.
- The mammalian brain, which is our EMOTIONAL brain… it handles our feelings and social bonds.
- The neocortex, which is our LOGICAL brain… the part of the grey matter we actually “think” with.
Now, as a rule, older brains are stronger than younger brains. That means that if something is threatening your life, if there is immediate danger, your reptile instinct will kick in IMMEDIATELY. Any thoughts and emotions you were having previously get “switched off” and you’re in fight or flight mode.
The reptile brain has overpowered the other two brains.
By the same token, your emotions will usually overpower your logic. Marketers know that we make decisions based on emotions and then rationalize them later… if you would like to know more about this topic, look up “self-deception” or “confabulation” on Wikipedia.
As you can imagine, at any one time, the three different brains might have three different needs. This is what creates a lot of internal conflict and friction, and it makes it difficult to be in control of our emotions simply by willing ourselves into feeling an emotion… or to disregard instinctual behaviors that would have helped us survive 20,000 years ago but that are counterproductive in the 21st century.
The biggest challenge is that it is very hard to influence the mammalian brain directly. It is almost impossible to simply decide to have an emotion without a little detour through the other two brains.
The good news, however, is that there IS a detour.
If you know exactly HOW to use your neocortex and your reptile brain, you can influence your mammalian brain indirectly, THROUGH the other two… and THAT is the secret to choosing your emotions… and to creating any feeling inside yourself that you want.
I'll go into exactly what that path to influence is next week, in Part III... stay tuned.
Onward and upward,
The series continues in How to Pick Up Girls, Part III.