Cruzer, a Girls Chase reader, comment on the article on entitlement asking:
“Great article, but I want to ask you something that varies from the topic.
How does one have presence?There are some people who walk in a room and are able to instantly command attention, even though they may not be the best look person in the room......so how do I do that?”
You know that feeling. That moment when a man walks into a room and everyone seems to stop for a minute and take notice. The women wonder who he is and why he has such a commanding energy. The men wonder whether he’s chill or an asshole and why this man seems to be so sure of himself.
Presence is that special character trait that very few men possess. And it is, in my opinion, one of the most difficult characteristics to develop. As I alluded to in my brief response to Cruzer, it is a combination of advanced mindsets and basic fundamentals. And something else as well.
Today I want to talk about presence; about how to develop that powerful and magnetic force that compels people toward you and forces them to take notice. Let’s go…
“Presence” is defined as:
The noteworthy quality of poise and effectiveness, especially with a stately or distinguished bearing.
And I would add that combined with this poise is the inherent ability to command attention, both wittingly and without your own personal efforts.
But the thing about presence is that the more people are exposed to your particular presence, the less it affects them. Do you think that the White House chief of staff is awestruck very often by the U.S. president anymore? There’s probably a great respect; but awestruck? I doubt it.
So in developing your own presence, it’s important to understand that this energy is really only relevant with initial impressions, and when used properly, will help you bed women and make friends quicker.
When you have presence, it’s not only that you have solid fundamentals, and a sexy vibe, and are powerful and dominant. But you have all of these things and something that distinguishes you from everyone else. I need to get a formal post up on this at some point soon, but I think that every man who wants to reach the peak of his potential needs an “X factor.” He needs something that separates him from the pack, and gives him the certainty that he is in fact separate from the pack. But until then, I’ll just leave it at that.
Presences of the Rich and the Powerful
Instead of starting at the foundation as I would normally do in an article like this, I’m going to start at the top. I’m going to get at the secret ingredient that definitively determines whether or not a man can have presence.
I used to have an acquaintance who was obscenely rich. Like fly to Europe on a whim and stay in a five-star resort kind of rich. The girls were obsessed with him. He was a good looking guy; not amazing, but definitely well above average. But it wasn’t his looks or even his money that drew women (and people in general) toward him.
He just had this energy – this transcendental devil may care attitude and lust for life that was absolutely intoxicating. You just wanted to be around him because you knew he knew something about the world that you didn’t. And you could never guess what he was going to do next.
I’ve noticed this trait in a lot of the present-hedonistic rich and high social status people that I’ve observed or met. Mind you, these are not the Warren Buffets who have a lot of money but live a pretty ordinary lifestyle. These are the people who are flashy with their money, but not necessarily in a selfish way. They just like showing people a good time and making life an adventure.
I noticed that what gives these people their certain je ne sais quoi is the fact that they live a life that most people can’t relate to. This may seem a bit counterintuitive at first, but let it sink in for a second. The reason why people are so drawn to these individuals is because they usher people into a world that would otherwise be inaccessible. And that’s magnetic. Basically, these are people like Jay Gatsby:
But you don’t have to be rich and famous to have this mindset (though, that is a pretty sure-fire way to get it). When I was a debater in high school, you could very often tell who was going to win the debate just based on how people walked into the room. You knew if they had a case that was better than yours. You knew whether or not they had abilities that exceeded your own. And if you were any good, you owned every room you walked into.
That is the secret to developing the distinguished mindset that is a part of presence. You just have to have insider knowledge. You have to be aware of a secret something about social interaction that most people have no clue about.
When it comes to ideas that are discussed on this site, these are things like understanding that women have dirty sexual fantasies and can’t be relegated to the Madonna/whore box. These are things like understanding that “just be yourself” is terrible advice, and that most men have the most backwards and hopeless views on success with women.
You have to live life in a way that most people aren’t familiar with. For those of you who read “manosphere” sites, this would be called living a “red pill” existence. People with insider knowledge of any higher social status world (celebrities, rich people, government officials, guys who are good with girls) are automatically separated from the “everyday” existence of most people. And when these people choose to let others into their world, they develop a mindset of wanting to find people who can handle it and understand them.
It’s Lonely at the Top
Interestingly enough, just like with “perfect 10” girls, people with powerful presences want to interact with and befriend people who are unaffected by their presence.
Imagine that a man with advanced skills with women walks into a bar. He knows that he can walk out of there with a girl. So that very fact gives him a one-up on all of the other guys in a bar. He then approaches many women, and meets three who are responding well to him that night. The first two are average, but the last one is a high-value woman who is able to challenge him intellectually and socially. She uses her graces to dodge a lot of his sure-fire techniques, and forces him to be at his peak in order to bed her.
Who is he going to take home? It’s obvious. Not only is this last woman the person the high-value man would choose to bed, she is also someone that he would open up to and let into his world (revealing his mindsets, worldview, etc.) after sleeping with her.
Similarly, this is what happens when the advanced man meets a beginner or intermediate who has high potential. This person isn’t quite at the same level yet, but he can relate to how the advanced man thinks, which most men cannot.
So if you’re trying to develop your level of presence, you should know that there will inevitably be a moment of alienation where the pool of people that you can truly relate to (that doesn’t mean just “get along” with or even superficially befriend, but really relate to) will drop dramatically. The price of your presence will be only feeling home in the circle that most people don’t have access to. Once again, refer to the Great Gatsby book/movie to see what I mean.
But if you’re going to be at that level anyway, you may as well enjoy the perks too. And there are many perks; such as confidence, social success, wonderful women, and high-value friends.
So, let’s look at the other aspects of developing an inimitable presence.
One of the most important foundations (if not the most important fundamental aspect) of presence is body language. Because presence is tied so closely to first impressions, a lot of times people will judge you before you have the chance to introduce yourself (and before you or they have consciously realized that they have judged you). That means that you have to carry yourself in a way that exudes self-assurance.
There’s a great TED talk that addresses this very issue. I think that many TED talks should be taken with a grain of salt, but this talk is informative, important and definitely one of my favorites:
For those of you who don’t have the time or desire to watch the whole video, here is a brief synopsis:
Your mental state in social situations is greatly, and surprisingly, influenced by your body language
Weak body language (e.g. crossing your arms or placing your hand on your neck) will communicate awkwardness and nervousness to other people, and will greatly hinder your success in social situations from anywhere from a few minutes to an entire hour
On the other hand, strong body language (e.g. placing your hands on your hips or stretching out as much as possible) will communicate comfort and self-assurance to others, and can improve your success for that same amount of time
It takes only 2 minutes of changed bodily posture to greatly affect your subconscious confidence either positively or negatively
And anecdotally, the “fake it ‘til you make it” strategy can be surprisingly effective, because if you maintain a certain mindset of confidence/dominance/positive energy, those mindsets eventually just become a part of you
So focus on your body language, get your fundamentals down, and
build a strong foundation. Sprezzatura is key here - the
relaxed-looking and effortless man is the powerful-looking one.
If you want to be a presence you have to dress well. Period. Your body language and your sense of style are the first two things that people will notice basically 100% of the time. And presence is about standing out, so learn how to use your fashion help you stand out.
Don’t go overboard with this, but just get a few cool accessories or one interesting main item that people will take note of. The key to top notch fashion is subtlety.
Also, it’s important that you dress appropriately for the occasion. If you go to a hoedown dressed in a three-piece suit you’ll definitely stand out, and you may even get a compliment or two, but you’ll also stick out in a negative way (people wondering what was he thinking?).
The second key to standing out with your fashion is being unique within the parameters of the event you are attending. You can mirror people with emotions/body language, and you can also mirror them in attire as well; which is a part of social grace that’s often overlooked.
Taking Up Space
You don’t have to be a hulk to have presence, but it is just a simple fact that people who are more physically imposing have an easier time with a powerful presence. They just take up more space. And if they take advantage of this fact, it can create a magnetic energy.
But if you’re a thinner guy (like me), just try to be as physically open as possible when you interact with people. Walk with your chest out, make large gestures, spread your arms out when you sit down. If you can master how to take up space, you will have mastered an important component in having presence.
Make an Entrance
As I’ve mentioned, presence is all about first impressions. And nothing sets a good first impression like making an entrance. And no, I don’t mean busting through a door and yelling “I’m Here!” with doves flying out behind you.
But I do mean if you walk into a social situation, take a minute to see the room.
Stop at the doorway
Look up and to your left
Slowly rotate your head to the right
Look straight ahead and smile as if you’ve just learned a secret about everyone there
Women will always take notice of
this. Men… sometimes, sometimes not.
But women are too socially attuned and will start to wonder who this
man who just made a powerful entrance is.
When I was in my first year of college I met a few guys who, like myself, were really into freestyle rapping. We were all okay at it at the time, but we’d meet up in one of the same three places almost every day and rap about anything and everything from politics to sports to potato chips. Not only were these guys talented, they were also really smart, so they could make complex connections that most people couldn’t.
After about 7 months or so of doing this, we all got good. Really good. We had an official crew going, and whenever any of us had any number of guests over to our rooms for drinks, we would call up the other ones. When everyone was present and accounted for, we would have every person in the room tell us three things about themselves that they thought we should know. After collecting facts, without any hesitation, we would all start rapping about the people in the room, and weaving in the facts or topics that they gave us.
The smiles that people had on their faces were almost indescribable. It was always a mixture of pure happiness and sheer awe. Then after delivering a few verses, we would deep dive them and make a legitimate connection. It was a deadly combination. And it was a trend that quickly caught on. People from all over the campus would come visit us, they would buy us alcohol, invite us to their parties, and would often do all this regardless of whether or not we actually rapped for them.
But besides increasing our social clout, this ability did something else for us. This was something that it took me years to fully realize and understand. We were able to add significant value to every situation we found ourselves in – if we so chose. We could single someone out at a party, stop them on the street, catch them after class, and completely make their day if we wanted to.
This ability allowed me to eliminate all social anxiety (which was never big a problem anyway) that I could’ve possibly had. I walked into rooms with a different air about me, because I knew I could validate anyone.
But I was also aware that this single ability wouldn’t be enough. My social skills were good, but I wanted to be able to bond with anyone in situations where I couldn’t just break out in verse. My dancing abilities were pretty good, but I wanted to be able to sweep girls off their feet with multiple styles of dance.
So after spending a couple years honing these abilities (and a couple other ones to a lesser extent), I came to the realization that people who possess powerful presence know that they can add significant value to any situation they find themselves in. Not just a little value. Not just some value. Significant value.
A famous actor will leave people in awe just because he is physically there in a place (instead of on a screen). An amazing singer can move and inspire people with her voice. So learning or a perfecting a unique ability can be a great way to add substantial value to any situation.
But honestly, if you’re not famous, the most important ability you can possess is social grace that is honed to a tee. Abilities aren’t always reliable because you can’t use them in every situation. But social grace is good for all occasions.
However, I should add that you need to be at the top tier of social grace. It’s very easy to add significant value through something like singing or playing an instrument well. But social skills are something that everyone has engaged in their entire lives. So if you want to add significant value to social situations, read up on the material on this site, team – and practice as often as you can. That’ll get you ahead of the game.
What About Confidence?
If you haven’t read the post on confidence not equaling success, I suggest you read it now. If you ask the average person about how to develop presence or charisma, they’ll you ‘be confident, be confident!’ They mean well with this advice, they really do. But, confidence has to be based on something. And if you haven’t done any of the things that I’ve talked about up until this point, be confident will be useless advice to you.
But if you do the things I’ve outlined, confidence will come as a natural result. Confidence is just another way of saying “been there, done that, and did it well.” So getting experience and processes under your belt will put you in the right mental state to have a magnetic presence.
Are You a Presence?
Maybe not yet. But now you have the tools to make it happen. It will take a long time; presence takes years to develop, and even then, some guys never learn it or barely have it.
But stick with it, and heads will be turning in awe at every place you find yourself in.
Here’s an overview of what we’ve gone over:
Presence is all about first impressions
The one thing that will make or break your ability to learn it is having insider social knowledge
Body language is the most important fundamental aspect of presence
This is followed by fashion, taking up space and learning how to make an entrance
The final component of presence is adding significant social value to every situation
Don’t focus on confidence; it’s a byproduct of success
Now go forth, and make the Earth tremble with your very being.