How to Be a Dominant Man: What You Didn't Know About the 'Winner Effect' | Girls Chase

How to Be a Dominant Man: What You Didn't Know About the 'Winner Effect'

how to be a dominant manDominance is a touchy topic. It's positively loaded with cultural baggage - in the West, we're averse to both the idea of being dominant over others and of others being dominant over us. It has all kinds of ill-favored connotations that most would rather just avoid. I'm throwing all of that out today though and talking to you about how to be a dominant man, political correctness and sensitivity aside - and I'm going to teach you a lot of things you didn't know about dominance before today.

In the post on how to be an alpha male (without becoming a stereotype), we broke down the difference between what's generally thought of as "alpha" and what alpha actually is, and about the character of the nomad -- the man who's neither alpha, nor beta, nor any other role in a social hierarchy, but instead operates outside it entirely.

I've long noticed a failure to differentiate among "being alpha" and "being dominant" in those who discuss social dynamics. They're treated as one and the same -- if you're being alpha, you're dominant, and if you're being dominant, you're alpha.

But they aren't the same. Being alpha's about heading up your group.

Meanwhile, being dominant... that's about something else altogether. What that is -- that and the winner effect -- is what this article is all about.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Lachie's picture

Nice article brother. Saving this one for future reference. Its very important to get into positive feedback loops - if you're not moving forward and upwards, you will sink down. Slowly at first, but then faster and faster - there is no stasis, and there is no coasting in the game of life. Always be leaning into your Edge.

Fel's picture

Yo Chase!

first of all, i'm in debt to you for life! what you do for men on this site for free, is priceless, and for that i will always consider you my brother. great articles, explained in a manner that i can understand. being born shy, and a thinker, sometimes i can't feel what others can. you've increased my awareness ten fold over the last few months. i've lived in the D.C. area most of my life. it would have been a pleasure to have met you. if we haven't met already. question; how do you think pimps use psychology in dominance?

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase! A common question employers or teachers tend to ask is "When can you have this done by?" I always find myself trapped by that question - committing to a date that is too far away seems lame, but committing to a date that is too soon just locks me in with an unnecessarily short deadline. How would you respond to that question in a dominant way, and find a way to win in this scenario?

Chin's picture

This article is real. Made me see and do things different. Made me more doninant and confident in my relationship. I also loved that part about be dominant if a girl say we can meet up in a few days. That stuff really works.

Urboy's picture

Good article..I used to be like that but friends played on me where I started acting like them now I want to regain that smooth talk again.

Vincent's picture

This stuff works. My brother is actually like this... and although I have called him a jerk most of my life (probably because I was just jealous of him and he dominates me in many situations), now I see him as a role model.

The Policed's picture

Hey Chase!

I read this article a while back on your site, but found that it had some relevance to me recently. I was recently at a party and mentioned to a girl there that her shirt was sexy, and later started up a conversation with her - admittedly at the time I wasn't doing a very good job escalating / using your tips from this site - so basically just picture your standard guy who's bumbling around but not powerfully escalating quickly. Anyway, as I was in a conversation with her, a friend of mine and hers came up to me and was like "Relax. That's my advice. You're not relaxed."

Whether I was relaxed or not then, I definitely wasn't after she made that comment - I ended up leaving the party shortly thereafter. At any rate, I was wondering about several things:

1. What is the best way to respond to a situation when you are socially policed? I know there are general aspects of your personality, being a more dominant man, etc that can prevent it in general, but when it does happen what's the best way to respond?

2. I've been told something along the same lines in the past, and I feel like the "non relaxed state" they are probably talking about might be pointing to an imbalance between nvbl and verbal signals - really not sure though. But based on that form of social policing, do you have any guess what would have prompted her to say that and what I should change about my personality to fix it?

My last question is not necessarily as related to the topic of social policing but is kind of what I think landed me in this spot. I know that first impression is key, and a lot of what you talk about on this site is having direct openers etc. But what if I'm in a situation where I'm with someone who I already met and had a bit of a conversation with (say like 1-2 hours into meeting her) and then afterward decide that she's kind of cute and I want to try escalating. How would you advise going about doing that? Or is it better to just bag that chance and go find a chick who you haven't met yet and escalate right from the beginning? I think it was trying to flirt with someone who I had already been treating like just a friend that might have given off an "awk" vibe that led to the "relax" social policing.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks!

Anonymous's picture

body language, tone, verbal fluency, confidence in your interpretation, coupled with a laid-backness, as you know you're right, to such self-evident extent that you're almost helping the other, rather than convincing them for your own means, and hence convey a caring but laissez faire attitude towards whether the other believes... of course, this is one approach, dominance can work too, as can more histrionic showmanship, of such skill that it conveys more of a natural desire to get people pumped and happy, rather than impress, because you don't have to impress, you know you are impressive, you have nothing to prove... but u have to authentically know that, not believe that... which requires, in a way, winning, again, and again, in everything, awards, ppls attention, their trust, favors, important peoples friendships, re-framing losing as learning, external attributions for unsuccessful endeavors... i use to fail at everything, slowly that changed, now i don't have to really try and convince myself effort equals success, the contingency of reward is almost 100 percent... that knowing, makes all the difference, u don't have to be better, being better knows u can achieve, because ur likely to put in the action required for reward, because payoff perception is high, then it becomes a positive feedback loop, and losses seem like abberations, u accept a poor effort, analyze it, look at what contributed, and retool... because u learn ur locus of control is very internal, failure is a result of deviation, chance, or atypical preperation or idiosyncratic circumstance... winning isn't intrinsic to you, you just know how to, not theoretically, but empircally, and this contingency means ull push even when ppl try to repudiate ur projection of self determined societal norms, u know u win, statistically, so u push back, without the number of action-reward events, this is far from certain, so ur assesment of probability suffers from low sample size, and lack of statistical power... lol, funny, ur getting the phenomenology, behavioural psychology, statistics, social psychology, social cognition, and behavioral economics... transposed to a social domain, all in one... perhaps the theoretical of what the author describes in a more intuitive fashion... which is equally valid, in the end, we both say the same thing... although my explanation in this post is likely far more explanatory than utilitarian... and in the end, utility, or the ends, is what matters, so kudos to the author!

Anonymous's picture

someone gets it... this insight is so rare, i don't lose... why, because i don't, ur automated perception of social norms can be easily thrown into confusion when the fear of being wrong, of embarrassment, a shot to the social validation you so desperately seek... because i seem so innocuous, but a statistical deviation, if i get you to question what's normal, why it is, why it's rational, or just convince you via inducing anxiety to fuck with your orbito-frontal, pre-frontal, your perception of every axiom you know... via a hint of doubt coupled with your hyper-functional amygdala which you overcompensate for to never have to face, lol... ur done, i get away with everything, i wont even elaborate, and the processes required are so heterogeneous, charm and mutual identification, eliciting pity, then after the point showing how you overcame, without sounding arrogant, more with a desirable to share to help others... can earn you favours... social scripts, norms, open and closed situations, body language, confusing people with conflicting schematic presentations... now that's messed, i get what i want, and i repudiate every societal paradigm in the book... self-handicapping and still getting what i want... ironically, i hate the pedestal im constantly put on, i seek novelty, challenge... sounds paradoxical, but winning and winning, and winning, gets boring... then again, there's always another level to push yourself too, right?

pinochlestreamline's picture

Well. You certainly don't sound like you're protesting too much! In any event, whatever pathway you personally utilize to make your way in this world, I would certainly hope that it's a route other than the written word, my bored-with-winning friend..lol.

Jake's picture

Nothing to add, just wow, kudos, and thx a million. Also bump. A couple guys at the top asked a couple questions I'd kinda like to see answered.

Anonymous's picture

Honestly I was sent to this page by my girlfriend, so I feel a little ridiculous actually being here. But I'm definitely not doing this for her after reading this, I'm going to do this for me. Sure I imagine it'd be nice if it happened for her. But it'll be more for me. The winner effect? Yes, that sounds like something I'd enjoy in my corner. I just need to find a means of keeping this in my head. I'll probably have it open and work read it once a day or something, that way I just know a little more. Being dominant isn't natural for me, but maybe it might be. Thanks Chase!

Markus's picture

This is a great post!

BT's picture

Chase, I've been reading your stuff here, and you write this in a great way that is easy to understand. I am naturally an assertive aggressive guy who has worked hard to "come down" from old mannerisms that had me very disliked, and because my experience taught me that "dominant" meant controlling and domineering, I have avoided being the dominant man that women wanted me to be. But to cut to the chase (npi), what you describe at the end of your article here really appears to define dominance as passive aggressive controlling/domineering/manipulating. Isn't that a bad thing?

Girlgetter's picture

Chase,

Thanks so much for this site. Definitely changed my life for the better

Yusuf's picture

Agree with most of these , accept the "Winners win more , Losers lose more " Well most of today's winners had more failures than anyone that's why they succeed it's because they were the most persistent . major examples include Michael Jordan who wasn't accepted into his highschool basketball team and Abe Lincoln who failed a lot and had a difficult childhood . But I definitely agree with dominant being able to get the outcome you want even if the circumstances does not support i

Joy's picture

This is a great article and you make a good point, but how can one reverse the fortunes of the unfortunate people that have been facing a lot of losses per se. You mention MJ and Lincoln, and I love them both, but doesn't what you say go against the article then? These men faced a lot of failures - thus lost a lot - thus likely had the reverse winner effect - HOWEVER turned out to be extraordinarily successful. True they had grit and it seems to me that it is the only method of reversing the misfortunes of failure.

The tips given at boosting dominance may be great but is grit the only way to break out of the loser's cycle?

Anonymous's picture

For women to approach men on the streets, kiss them in public, and pull them in hidden alcoves is a recipe for assault and hostility because men are very intimidating. And if a woman does that to you, you'd probably humiliate and assault her because she was unfeminine and that she destroyed your manhood.

Joy's picture

Why would anyone EVER humiliate or assault people that express genuine interest in others? That's daaaark man.

Jean's picture

You'd "humiliate and assault her because she was unfeminine" and "she destroyed your manhood"??? Dude!
1. If you humiliate and assult A WOMAN, 'cause she happens to be sexually open, and is showing interest in you, there's something wrong with your behavioural responses... and
2. If that destroyed your manhood, you need to get some inner core work handled.

I don't mean to be disrespectful, honest. But the response you're suggesting to be appropriate here, seems way off to me. Personally, I love it when a girl is so into me that she makes that first move.

Anonymous's picture

What the hell lead you to that thought? Ya know most men are a bit fucked up and I'm one who really has lost almost all hope in humanity as a whole but fuck it if they go down I'll be the only man worth a damn before I ever hurt a woman like that... seriously what the fuck.

beth's picture

I find it really hard to find a truly dominant man. Most men are sissy's. Men need to dominate women and make them their sex slaves. To do whatever they want no matter how weird or disgusting. To be their masters. I haven't found one that will treat me like the slutty bitch I am.

Maestro's picture

Then you haven't been looking hard enough brat.

Keep looking, and you'll get fulfilled.

Anonymous's picture

Can you ever be a dominant woman?

John Fornaro's picture

Yeah buddy, they can! I'd tell ya to do it better than guys do. With grace and charity. But hey. WTF do I know?

Dominance under partial defeat!'s picture

Chase! Great article man. This made me think about a time at the office where I had to get something done from a person and guess what?

This person delayed doing it. Hell, yeah, sometimes he even yelled when I asked whether it was completed. Damn, it was just a 5 minute job about filling some data. He did it finally anyways.

The point is, once you are more accustomed to winning and there is more testosterone, small scratches in the psyche of dominance does not harm it in anyway. That's why we see, dominant men take shit sometimes and not give a fuck. eg, John McClane in the Die hard series. It is like the scene from terminator where Arnold takes the bullets and still keeps walking. FORWARD.

Anonymous's picture

I have a very high digit ratio and.i am worried how this affect me as a man? Please help I don't know what to think. How important is digit ratio?

Anonymous's picture

Tbh I'm a horribly naturally submissive guy. I've always hated my older brother because he never had that problem. What he wanted. He got. Because he made it happen. Looking like almost no effort at all. When he started to become depressed after a long story of a bunch of horrible things basically friends were killed girlfriend left him car totaled etc. Soon after I realized he started declining and I noticed this thing you say winner effect or so. The better he felt his life was. The better it got the worse he felt his life was. The worse it got... I started searching for something like this soon after. Couldn't find anything to help some guy like me. Some 26 year old guy who really only sits in his room alone away from everyone a classic case of "I hate people because they just lack decent morals" and with the things being plastered everywhere on the news of all these attacks on people and then the lies of hate crimes when they are in self defense or an actual hate crime. Basically made me give up all hope for humanity as a whole. Oddly enough reading this. I started doing what it said. My girlfriend. Who had indirectly sent me to this page because she said that I wasn't dominant and it was driving her insane. Because I was always the "I'm sorry I didn't mean to" guy. afterwards everything has been. Honestly going great. I used to hate life and want to end it tbh. Now I couldn't be happier. Thank you for being and doing what you are.

Traumatised's picture

very true about naturally submissive guys needing to work harder, for me, a few months without the gym and i become almost feminine in many ways :/ even to the point of complaining on forums ;)
i have found that as a relatively smaller and physically weaker, nomad trying to be dominant in life, or just flirty with girls in specific, attracts allot of cockblokers, and competing hyenas trying to get in my way....leaving aside social circle, how is it possible to compete and stay confident of winning with this kind of obstacles?

Zack's picture

Hey Chase. First off I want to say, this article is gold (along with the rest of the articles written from you and on this site)..

I have read this article a couple times, and the more I read it through my progression as an alpha-male, the more I can relate to it.

Since I have read it multiple times, and it has become more understandable to me through the years, I wanted to add my 2-cents to maybe connect some dots that have finally connected in my mind..

For me, this article is speaking about our ability to project our frame of reference into the world without shame or guilt.. When I say frame of reference, I am referring to the ability to project our reality onto that of others... Rather than our reality being from a perspective that something/someone got us to accept.

Many people act in the frame that has been set as a societal standard for each situation - set either by ethics or laws or fear of being casted out by others... Example:

"Inside voice in class (when you were a child)" ... Another one ... "I'm not a slut, I don't just have sex with guys that I don't know", to which you'd state "OF COURSE NOT!!"

Or.. You could briefly look down with disapproval then glance at the girl with the left side of your lip perked and say "Don't be one of them.. Sex is a beautiful thing, it's natural and enjoyable. I know many girls and guys that have great intimate moments with people they just met"

What did I just do? I projected my reality onto the girl. And now? We may fuss a little bit (frame war) or/regardless she will eventually (hopefully.. usually) see the world from my perspective for that moment in time, and her emotions will be changed from disgust to excitement of the possibilities between us.. The sexual fantasies that she can now think about with me.

As a dominant man, you understand that YOU can control the assumptions.. Everything is based on a "belief".. But every belief is just an assumption.

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