How to Get Your Girlfriend Back: 3 Great Strategies

Chase,

I've read yours and about 1 million other articles and for some reason yours resonated with me the most. So I've decided to actually post up my current situation and see if you can help, I'll try and keep it as short as possible.

First up I am a 23 yr old male, she is a 23 yr old female and we dated for just over 2 and a bit years, lived together for over a year of that.

We first met roughly 6 months after my high school gf who I dated for 4 years left me for another guy. I was very much still jaded and obsessed with my ex and my now ex very much knew that. She had been in previous relationships with really shit guys who just treated badly and she always said the reason she loved me was because I was so different and a genuinely loving and caring guy. Early on I made my partner feel like she was a second best option due to my ex and had openly told her I had no desire to get married or have kids because I had planned that with my previous partner and it had all fallen down. I did infact move past my feelings for my ex early on in the new relationship however, she continued to feel like that for the next 2 years, which I have told her I completely understand and am sorry for.

Eventually as the years went on I became very involved with my work and made her feel as if she just didn't matter to me and as though I really didn't care about being with her. This eventually led her to become distant and pull away from me. Then to cut a long story short this guy who was her friends house mate began to pop up on all her Facebook and instagram posts, I openly told her how much I disliked it and she simply brushed it off because nothing was going on, which I know in hindsight realize there really wasn't and I was just being paranoid due to my previous relationship. This eventually lead to a large argument about me thinking she was seeing someone else and her thinking I didn't care about her, in this heated moment I broke it off.

The following 2 weeks little things kept popping up with this guy and it kept me angry and unable to really focus on the separation and I continued to be a complete dick. Eventually though after roughly 2 weeks I realised how much I missed her and had really thrown away a girl that fitted my personality and life perfectly and we caught up and I told her that. We continued to speak every day for the next few weeks very friendly occasionally arguing about the old things again as I refused to accept my responsibility fully this eventually led to us catching up and sleeping together.

After which we went back to speaking everyday with the occasional argument. After about another week we were back to speaking to each other everyday and I had caught up with her twice to explain that I did infact love her and always had, I admitted that I had always planned on marrying her and wanted all those things with her and knew that I had been ignoring her and not treating her how she deserved. Eventually she said she didin't think I could really make those changes and she couldn't be with me.

For the next 4 weeks I continued to contact her everday to show my interest, sending her flowers and just generally making her feel important to me. She was very responsive still talking everyday and telling me she missed me and eventually she admitted she could see I had again become the person she fell in love with but that too much damage had been done and she was angry I pushed her to this point where she couldn't be with me.

I didn't give up and kept up trying to make her see what she meant to me, then she dropped a bomb. The new guy that I had thought was interested in her invited her on a date. She said she was struggling with the decision to go but if she did it didn't mean anything. This was continued with that she loved me but couldn't be with me. I said it's fine if you feel like you need to do that sort of thing I understand and I didn't argue and we continued to speak everyday, she was actually the one initiating the conversations every day.

This continued for a few weeks with her occasionally mentioning this new guy and that he had told her he had feelings for her, but that she was still missing me and was angry I'd become this person again after she was pushed too far.

Anyway fast foward to weeks of speaking and catching up multiple times as friends she eventually told me she had grown feelings for this new guy. He made her feel important and special, like no one else mattered to him. She admitted again, "yes you've been doing the same thing but after 2 years of feeling like you didn't care I can't just flip a switch after 3 months". I said I understood that and that I understand how he would of been able to make her feel that way. I explained that there was nothing wrong with what she was doing and that I'll always be here for her.

We have now not spoken for 2 days and I genuinely do love this girl, it does not bother me that she is seeing someone new as I know that I made the mistakes during our relationship and it's time for me to be patient with her and I understand her want to feel special and validated. I just need some advice on whether I stay no contact and let time take it course or do I still actively pursue.

Ok sorry for the essay and all responses appreciated.

My relationship ended just shy of 6 years and 4 months after we both moved to a new city after college. She's 22, and after a fight she said that she just couldn't anymore, and I did all the wrong things like begged and said that I would always want to know if she felt differently. She really wanted to be my friend, we were extremely close until the last year. And then she was just done, and watched me just leave (after some crying, but said she was just subduing her emotions for later) and drive 1,000+ miles back home. We're basically best friends, she even said she would love to still be my friend, but both didn't see how that would work. So I left and asked "so I'm always just going to be a friend to you?" And she said "yes" and I said so this is it were not going to be anything more, we're done in each others lives? And she said "right now you're just my friend, I don't know what will happen but right now yes you're my friend, we can't leave off any other way, we need to both move on, but i don't know anything that will happen in the future". I'm just wondering if this was #2 and #3 in the sense that we grew apart/relationship was stale and she wanted to be free after college?, I'm not unnatractive to her (or at least I wasn't), she loves talking to me, thinks I'm funny, we both have so many similar interests. But she couldn't be together right now, she can't try anymore, we did grow apart and we fought. Is it hopeless? I'm now 1000 miles away and don't speak to her anymore.

Hello chase. please help me here.

so there is a girl i knew for 2 and half months..
at the start we were just friends and we helped each other with boys and girls.. (she was\is not siries for relationship and nothing was good enogh for her).
after a month we decided that we allways wanted each other, so we we decided that we will just try not to be with other girls\boys while we are trying to be together..

*i didnt really wanted her for series relationship. just for sex and just wanted her to be just mine

*we didnt really trusted each other so much .

*i was always acting like i dont care what she is doing with other boys because i hated the fact that she is allways with other boys(friends**) and because of that she kissed someone just to make me angry

because of that i didnt take her real seriesly and didnt give her what girl needs... i just wanted sex..
but thats not why we finished it.
while we were ``together`` i was seeing her friend sometimes and we kissed capital of times.
ofcaurse i didnt tell both of them that im seeing the other girl.
and at the end they talked and understood what i did all the time..

now for 2 weeks are not talking... she saying she hates me.. that im disgusting.. and that we will never back together.
she also told my friend that she doesnt have a bit of emotion for me , and that she didnt really had emotions before.

*a week ago i tried talking to her in public(party for matual friend) and she screamed at me that we have nothing to talk about and thats it
so after that she sent me a messege ``sorry, but i dont have what to tell you``. i sent her messege ``i tried.. if u dont want its your lose`` and she responded ``not at this moment.. im still angry..`` and its been a week from than and we didnt talked.

now i really want her back and to this time much better. and i need her to forgive me and trust me for another shot..

so im thinking about 3 options:
1: i want to send her flowers and apology (positive ) letter.
2:trying to talk to her face to face and tell her i want her back
3:wait another 3 weeks and than try to talk to her

plzz chase i need your help here i dont want to be needy but in the same time i dont want to wait too much time that she will move on.
i need a way to open her ``cold stone hurt`` like she used to say

**** sorry for the bad english i hope you understand the point
and if you need to know more details in orther to help me just let me know.

thank you for your time , Daniel

Dear, Chase

I read this post I really liked it its helped a lot thank you. There is a girl that when we were together we had a deep emotional connection but I ended up losing her because I didn't give her what she wanted. I believe I fall under the number one. I want to write her a letter but I no longer see her, I no longer have facebook or have her Email. What should I do? Altough Ive been and met other women I still think of her often and I have a feeling she does too. Thank You

Best,
Jorge

Hi iam 25years old male. Iam asian and from a muslim country.Actually i gave my girl what she asked for. and yeah i wasnt exciting because we had probems from the beggining and after 4years i was full of fraustrations and emotions, i burst my emotions and gave an end to it then she turned and insulted me and my family... she still likes me and i do aswell,, because 4 yeras is not someting i cant forget in a click. and she kinda girl who wants me to be on the inferior side... now thats something very aukward and not love. what do you suggest? iam totally confued. :(

So, it's been 5 weeks since my ex and I hit the bricks so to speak, meaning she told me she wasn't sure of our relationship because I, to sum it up, didn't communicate well, and I have a horrible habit of being overly sarcastic and uninterested in stories or opinions that differ from my own views, even if my views or thoughts on the subject are uneducated and without validation.

I was in a relationship for 4 years with someone whom I thought was the one, but found myself forcing myself to believe they were the one though it was an unhealthy relationship, where we fought constantly and I always was apologizing even if I had nothing to do with the argument. We broke up, then got back together months later, thinking we both had worked on our "stuff". Well we didn't especially her.

So fast forward a year and a half, I'm not looking for a relationship, just flings if nothing else, because I know deep down I am not ready to be in a relationship nor have I truly worked on the things I needed to to be the man a woman really needs. Well in walks my current ex, we met one night by chance after a few encounters when she was still married and I was with my ex (yea, she has a ex husband, ill touch on that in a bit.). We knew each other by name and appearance and that's about it.

Needless to say we hit it off immediately, her being the most beautiful, interesting , sexy woman I have to date met, we went on a few dates and jumped into a relationship. I was hesitant at first, because like I stated previously I was unsure i was ready, but it happened, and I truly fell in love.

We dated for three months, and everything was fantastic. Now she has a 14 year old son from a previous relationship that did not work at all, moved to my area nine years ago and met her ex, whom she dated for four years then married for three. Through a serious events, their relationship grew so far apart they barely spoke for the last year they were together, and she found herself confiding in another man, a coworker whom she "fell in love" with. This did not work because he was basically looking for the benefits of the rebound where as she was looking for emotional stability in her time of need, or so I would assume.

So, a few other guys came and went, but didn't work, then we met. Back to the present, like i previously stated, I have bad habits, and these habits in this situation really raised flags for her because at this point she has no time or patience to deal with pety childish things like I was doing. Holding simple grudges or giving off signs that I was unhappy, all basically just getting her to pet my ego because at the root of it all I am rather insecure with myself.

Through these few months tho, she gave me a sense of self and pride and confidence the likes of which I have never felt before, and I found myself falling deeply in love with her, the kind of love that made me think of long lives together, and she felt the same, but still knew she had a lot to work on as far as her scars from previous relationships, and so did I.

Some stupid shit happened, I was angry with her for something ridiculous that should have been addressed at the time and it would have been over but I fell into my old ways and waited and let it be known I was upset, leaving her to worry...later that day when I addressed it, it all came out. She was unsure of us, unsure of our future, this destroyed me, and for the following two weeks I did everything I shouldn't have. I pleaded, whined, got angry, flip flopped, basically acted like a 9th grader and not a 30 year old man.

After two weeks of this, we went to a wedding together, which we probably shouldn't have for good reason. Now prior to this the idea was not to break up, because she still had very stong feelings for me, but she was unsure of herself, unsure of her wellbeing after going through this divorce and losing everything. We agreed that we moved fast and needed to tone it down, basically start over...easier said than done. At the wedding I didn't know how to act, and when I would act like we are still some sort of couple it was met with coldness, which made me more angry and even jealous as she was talking to my best friends brother for a bit, which she was just making conversation but really bothered me I wasn't getting this attention.

So this wedding was the final straw for her, when I dropped her off, we got into an argument about god knows what, we went into her home, and began talking, then I just kept pushing for answers, when all she ever wanted to do was take it day by day, and here I am wanting to know what tomorrow next week and next year holds. She finally snapped and told me there was nothing left, she had nothing more for me, and I left. I text her the next day, apologizing, saying I need time to straighten myself out, and that some day I wanted to at the very least remain friends, she responded that she'd like that.

If you have read this far, you're probably thinking I'm nuts, or psychotic, and that she had way too much going on and I had no right to get into a relationship with her. Well I have been doing a lot of thinking, self reflection, looking at this from every angle, finally just concentrating on what I need to do to better myself, not just for her, but for my family, friends, and anyone else who is a part of my life, because my behavior affect all of the the same as it did her, it was just a lot easier for her to leave than say my mother, or sister.

I have since contacted her, asking if we could meet for coffee, basically what I want to do is just apologize, for the way I acted at the wedding, when things began going south, and ultimately for the way I acted while we were together, because if I would have worked on the things I told myself I needed to after my long term relationship, she and I wouldn't be in this situation.

Ultimately I love her, and don't want to push her further away, and basically keep writing all of this because it's really the first time I have gotten it out of my system. I don't know that I need or want any more "advice" as to what I should do, because I think I have already done everything wrong that I possibly could have, just possibly some insight into the entire situation...I don't think that this love and longing I feel is pain masking logic, because I keep telling myself there are others out there, I know this...but I think of how she made me feel, at the core of me, how she made me happy and I her, how together we brightened a room, and how we had dreams of a life together, I mean she knew all my faults, accepted them, and in the end just asked for a little space while she works on herself, I just couldn't handle that, I felt rejected and unwanted. And that made me act like a complete buffoon.

Hi Chase,
Got a potentially tricky one here for you buddy
I was engaged to a wonderful girl who was my best friend and made me really happy...99.9% of the time. But she has a temper and this culminated in her hitting me which is a rule that I don't feel should ever be broken.
So that was December last year and we carried on seeing each other/sleeping together for several months after (but with me 'holding her at arms length' because I was genuinely unsure about whether I could forgive what she had done). In April she looked at my phone and discovered I had a f*** buddy at work and also found messages from other girls arranging dates etc. This was my attempt to either convince myself I didn't need/love her or prove that I did. She confronted me and despite being devastated she kept trying to win me back, for another 4 months! Then (unbeknown to me) she got chatting to another guy who I guess was her shoulder to cry on. She started seeing him and within a few weeks of this I had what I can only describe as an epiphany- I realised I loved her with all my heart and wanted to try again but she told me it was too late because she'd met someone else, that she didn't trust me, that I had lied to her face and that she couldn't forgive me 'RIGHT NOW'. Since then I have been desperately trying to win her back, prove how much I love her and that we can work this out. The only difference now is that he is 'blocking' her feelings for me. She has said she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore but still cares for me but we have remained in contact. She tends to message me a lot and respond (eventually!) when she's not with him (she clearly can't think too much of him if she is having this much contact with me!) and she has sent me videos of me and her having fun, voice messages and photos of us together. When I send photos etc back to her she comments on it, generally dispassionately but appearing to look for reassurance.
Last night she came over to collect some sun lotion for a holiday!! She didn't have to do that but the mixed messages/inconsistent contact and agenda from her are driving me INSANE!
Basically, she says she's not able to forgive me right now but all of her actions speak much louder than her words!!
Please please please, can you advise me as to how I should handle this?!
Thanks mate

Chase,

This is a really excellent article, and probably the most perceptive I've seen on the topic so far.

I wonder, for myself and no doubt the benefit of your other readers: in your experience and situations that you're familiar with, what is the expected timeline of the phases you outline (cooling off, longing, etc.)?

I suspect that the answer will be a matter of 'how long is a piece of string?' - but there must be some degree of standard deviation, right?

I ask in the hope of setting up a 'no possible chance of reconciliation' condition, in such a way that if she has not returned by time X then she will, most likely, not return.

In the mean time, the plan, of course, is to develop and find better prospects.

Thanks in advance,

DC

P.S.: you do not seem to advocate any particular post-relationship strategy, like no contact, occasional contact, etc. Is this deliberate? What is the usual way of transitioning from 'longing' (for example) to romantic partners?

Hi Chase.

Excellent article.

My situation is challenging because my ex-girlfriend falls somewhere between #1 and #3, or a combination of all three.

My girlfriend of a year broke it off with me a week ago, but only after a big fight that ended with us raging and absolutely hating each other. Things even got mildly physical at one point. But all our arguments previously were few and far between, and mostly revolved around her not knowing if she could commit to me. She is younger than me by almost 10 years, still has doubts about commitment but tells me she is still in love with me and that I just need to relax sometimes.

Since the fight though, she says she wants nothing to do with me. This makes things so hard because literally the last time we were together everything was all loved-up etc.

The point is, she is actually more of the guy in this scenario. I know that we are still very much in love, and that she wants me, and that no sexual desire has diminished. But I severely melted down when she started asking for space to think about things and became angry with her. This ultimately led to our huge fight.

Going out of my head wanting her back now!

So I'm inIsituation where my ex is girl number #2 however, Someone I consider a best friend of mine is still in contact with her. How I do move on with the plan when he disrespects my wishes for him to contact her and now he just recently told me he's gonna be working with her and there desks are going to be right next to each other. Like I feel like he's not really my friend by doing this. Any thoughts and advice?

My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years ended the relationship 5 months ago. She told me it was because I couldn't commit wholly to her (I have 3 children from an earlier marriage, and I was spending lots of time with them). She didn't mind the fact I had children, but I think I could have handled it better. She was keen to meet them much earlier than she actually did for example; although this was a lot to do with my ex-wife. The thing is - in the month after we split she was being nice with her e-mails and texts. She said she missed me, wanted to see me soon, said that it was too soon for me to pick my things up. And then, out of the blue, an email saying (basically)., 'I've realised you have wasted 4 years of my life. I'd rather be lonely than go back to that pathetic half-life'. After that nothing. I've tried sending a few 'are you ok?' Messages over the last couple of months, but nothing. I still can't get over her. At one point we were going to go all the way. What happened ? Do you reckon anything can be done ?

What if it is a combination of these three categories? We have broke up four monts now, we have tried to get back together but every time she gets so easily pressured and we are like on-off. The longest period we haven't spoke is something like 12 days. We always find a way to communicate again, though each time she initiates. There was a lot of drama, now we 're generally more stress free. She says she loves me and thinks of us as something special, but she cant be with me right now. I dont think she has found someone else yet nor had sex. There was a lot of pain in this break up and its still going on. We were together for 3 years and two months. I tried to become a better man and i have managed it so far, though changes require time and patience. She has seen me improve myself. But she still has emotional baggages from all the mistakes i did. Yet she still believes there is something special about us. She wishes she would meet me later on in her life and live with me. We 're both 25yo and though despite the fact that even when we get back together we have great sex she ends up refusing me second or third time. But i think this is due to emotional reasons. Physically we are great together. She is a leo, i am a scoprio(for all that matter). I did many break-up mistakes but never lost my pride. I ve been with other girls too, during these months, but nothing too special except one. I m a little lost, she is the first girl i ever kissed, ten years ago (we were together for three months back then, she broke my heart for the first time-four months same situations back then). We 've met again five years before. We were fuck buddies for a year and a half and then suddenly we got together for fun and it really worked. There was some toxicity in our relationship, but nothing that isn't normal. It was my first long term relationship and i was acting like a fool many times because i didn't know of the consequences and thought she would be with me forever. I witnessed her being madly in love with me for quite some time. This break up is a combination of all three categories. How do i reverse it? I think only time will let her know what she is missing. Because each time we drift apart for a few days she remembers all the good stuff, and each time we try to work it she acting all weird and pushing me back. I tend to get a little clingy and needy though not in a bad way, i just love her and i show her my deep inner feelings. When she is free and doesn't think of all the bs she is like heavenly happy to have me by her side. Finally what i really know, is that she values me and she doesn't want to lose me from her life. Dropped some hints about friendship but she knows that ain't gonna work. Deep down inside her i can still feel that she knows how special our bond was. But she is denying it, and then she misses it. Some daddy issues too. Not in love anymore, but there is great potential. She is a very strange phase in her life, lost some friends, getting a little older, trying to find work, a home.. Any help is welcome.

Hi Chase,

I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago officially, after following the 30 day no contact rule I've come to ask, how can i actually tell if she wants me back or not? as me and my ex are not likely to bump into each other its harder to see the more obvious signs, such as her asking to meet up for some drinks or something. Over the course of the month her best friend who i am also friends with has tried to contact me a couple of times asking how i am and whats new with me, i take it that my ex asks her to ask me these questions to gain an insight to how i am doing, about a week ago my ex phoned me for literally a split second then hung up? this confused me and i didn't really understand what she was playing at. As far as I've heard she isn't seeing anybody and we broke up due to her needing 'space' so my overall question for you Chase is do these signs show , Is she starting to miss me? or want me back?

Hi Chase!

I read an article on here a while back which listed the Phases of the female relationship cycle...there were about 6 of them...Single and looking phase, rebound phase, etc. I have been trying for months to find it again but forgot the title and I really want to review it again because I can't remember them all...and I know there was a specific order to them as well.When you get a chance I would really appreciate it if you could point me to the article.
Thanks!

Brian

My ex-girlfriend had seen somebody else after me (after I broke up with her) and he couldn't compare. After 2 long months she came running back.

I was trying to get my ex back.

Today she called me she told me she is dating her friend and that she moved in with him, douse she had no place to go. She also told me she thinks about me everyday. i asked if she misses our sex. she responded thats for me to know and for you to never find out.. i told her we had grew sex and she agreed.
After we hanged up. She texted me " I'm sorry i hurt you , i hope we can remain friends :-) it was nice talking to you :-)"

Obviously I'm here b/c i want her back!!!

How can i réspond to that text? i do not want to be her friend.!
How can i approach this situation in an alpha way?

I also have a new Gf.

Thanks

Hi please help me,

Ok basically my girlfriend and I broke up at the end of October after being together for 2 years. I then later found out that she started seeing someone a week later. Pn hearing this I panicked and made all the mistakes. I pushed her to meet with me (as we broke up over the phone) and eventually she allowed me to meet her on her college town (about an hour away from where I live) at this meeting she told me that she was in love with her new boyfriend and wanted a future with him. (they had been together only 3 weeks at this point) and that she didn't have any feelings for me anymore. They even went on a little holiday together after being together only 5 weeks. Before this meeting she was telling me to leave her alone, stay out of her life etc and only eventually agreed to meet me if it was in her college town. Basically I think she broke up with me due to a loss of attraction and her not being able to see a future with me. Things weren't great the last but t shth of our relationship and we had broken up around the same time last year and was off and on since then. During that break I went on a kind of rebound with basically the first girl to show me some attention. Nothing really serious came out of it and it ended in a couple of months.
Anyway I used to have a lot og anxiety and found it hard to try new things. I believe this was caused by the relationship between me and my dad as we had not spoken for 3 years. After I found outabout her new boyfriend though I decided I needed to make changes so I got back into contact with my dad (funnily enough I bumped into him for the first time in 3 years on the day I found out about her new boyfriend) and have repaired the relationship with him. I have also booked a skydive which is set for a month fron now.
I went on a months No contact where I worked on myself, I moved house, worked out, started new hobbies etcand then after a month I text my ex saying that I think that the breakup was the right thing to do and hoped that we could be on good terms. She replied a couple of hours later asking what I meant by that, if it meant I'd moved on, or didn't love me or was just trying to spite her. I replied saying I wasn't trying to spite jer I just didn't want us to resent each other. She then asked me what has suddenly made me glad that we broke up to which I said I wasn't really glad, I had just accepted it. She then said she was glad I had and that she was fine with being on good terms and ended the conversation sounding pretty final and gave th impression that she wasn't going to contact me again. The day after she came to talk to me in work (I work in a store) and stood talking to me for about 15 mins while I served customers. She said I look really well and was glad things are working out. I showed her the collection bucket for my skydive (which also had the name of a female friend of mine who I'm doing the jump with and she kind of forced a smile and didn't say anything about it. We kept getting interrupted by me having to serve though so I apologized to her and suggested meeting up for a catch ip another time. She shook her head and said that wouldn't be fair on her new boyfriend. I kept my cool and said I understood then went to serve another customer. When I looked up she was walking out the door without saying goodbye. Throughout this whole meeting she looked kind of confused and nervous. She also mentioned her bf a few times saying she'd basically been staying with him over Christmas and that hopefully he'd be moving in with her in her college town again an hour away drom where we live (he lives with his grandmother) and even took a phone call from him right in front of me arranging to meet ip with him. Anyway after she left the store I then text her saying sorry that we couldn't really talk properly and wished her a happy new year. She replied saying that I looked really good and : "it's a shame you didn't have all this healthy energy a year ago, ahh well things happen for a reason and I'm sure we're both much happier now." Irreplied to this saying that getting back in touch with my dad really has helped me and changed me and that I really wished I did it sooner. She didn't reply but a day later I saw her in his car and she waved at me but I pretended not to notice (I kinda regret I did this now) which makes me think she would've had to of told him something about why she waved at me.
After this I left it a week then sent her a text. No reply. I left it another week and sent her a more interesting text that I'd hoped would catch her attention but still no reply. During these past few weeks aswell I saw on their Facebook (I don't have either of them as friends but they have open profiles) and she asked him if he fancied emigrating to New Zealand (she is hoping to do her PhD over there) and he said yeah and that he's going to look into it. This won't be till September but still. Not sure if she put this on fb to tryand get a rreaction out of me. If so why is she not replying? Also of she didn't want to talk to me why not just tell me to leave her alone like she did before. I wanted to try and build attraction amd show her how much I'd changed but she's not giving me the opportunity. What do I do now? Someone said that she might not be replying because it hurts her to see me "moving on" and that she might be confused about her feelings for me and her new bf but she does seem happy but people online have said ot all could just be an act for herself and me. They also say she's showing signstthat it's just a rebound relationship. That she jumped straight into it, she escalated the relationship really fast etc, spending all their free time together. She also always wanted me to have more drive and ambition and always pushed me to get a better job saying that I could do better yet this new guy works in a bar (and not very often judging by the amount of time he stays with her in her college town) and also lives with his grandmother and has never been independent. He also can't have any long term plans for himself if they're talking of him moving in to her place and moving to nz. What is your opinion on it all? Why do you think she ignoring me? Do you still think she has feelings for me? Do you think she's in a rebound relationship (even though they've been together 2.5 months now) and so you still think there's a chance for me to win her back? If so what do I do next? The last text I sent was about 3 days ago now. I really want her back. I can feel a change in me now and know that we can make things work if she have it a chance. She said before that she didn't think we wwre compatible but I feel that we are and always have been (ot was just the deep rooted anxiety that stopped me from living life that needed to be cured and that has been now)

Hi chase

Your article was really interesting and some good tips there.

Right my situation is, I was seeing my ex girlfriend for about 4 months not long I know but everything was fine we didn't have no problems never argued always got on with eachother was happy together and so on an so on but I reiceved a text from her one night saying the relationship doesn't feel proper feels more like friends. I was shocked didnt know what to do. She says she couldn't she the relationship going anywhere and that she just likes me now instead of really liking me.

Shes told me that she still likes me,im a really nice guy,we didnt really see eachother that much so I think thats played a big part in the break up, her feelings have drifted away due to us not seeing alot of eachother. Do you think i still have a chance of getting back together with her?

Helllo chase,
hope you would be working good. I have a girl since 6 months and were first met on FB. We quickly switched to cell and were very comfortable talking there. I called her after 2 months when first talked on phone, willing to give a gap. we kept on talking on phone and met once last month. Meeting was a very pleasent one. Before meeting, we both proposed eachother for marriage. We have seen eachothers pictures. But right after the first meeting, things took U-turn. She stopped contacted me, and when I contacted her, she replied that she is busy these days. I though stopped that time. 3 days ago, I left a message that I am not fine, and got a shocking reply that "who are you? and then everything went wrong. I talked straight and angerly and after couple of messages she replied that she got engaged and cannot move forward. I was so shocked to know and couldnt believe her.
She once before committed with me that if I stayed with her,she wont go anywhere but that day I got stunned. I want her back in my life, tell me what would I do now?

Dear Chase,

I read your very good article, I just wonder in which case my ex belongs actually. We were together for 6 month, 4 month of perfect and intense, very sexual and intellectually stimulating love for 4 month for both of us, it was magical. The girl even told me a lot of times that she was never in love this much before, and I felt the same. Then we moved together, and because of lots a things (outside circumstances family stuff for me-work for her) we became stressed and things went downhill, I'm became very controlling and started lots of fight, she became very stubborn and started to build a wall betwwen us. She broke up, then came back, the we had fights again, then broke up a again, moved out and came back again, then broke up again (all that in a 1 month time frame) and told me she had enough and the things don't work out betwwen us. After the final break up she went No Contact. I chased her a little bit (a 5 casual sms, 2 emails and 1 phone call in 4 weeks).To my last very calm not too pushy and self analysing apology letter she answered me harshly, that she doesn't wan't to see me no more or hear from me, that she thinks I'm a bad person, too controling, and that she's done 100% with me. She then blocked me on fb and skype. That happened 1 month after the break up.
What do you think, in which case I belong and what are my options. Right now I let her space, and don't contact her anymore as she asked of course. But what do you think of a story like that. The girl is a quite independent and strong character and doesn't really like when the man is controlling or a little bit needy.

Hey I need help! So me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago. I tried to get her back at first but stopped after I saw it wasn't working. I just started the no contact phase and am giving her time it's been 3 days no contact. I'm fine with the no contact but here's the tricky part, shes getting surgery Tuesday(4 days from now) and is really nervous. When we were together I was a jerk and didn't make a big deal about it and it hurt her. So now what Idk is should I text her the night before and say something about it like goodluck don't be nervo use it'll be okay, just good luck or nothing at all? Help please!!

Dear Chase,

I am desperate need of some good relationship help. I have read your article but I'm not sure what category she falls in . Ill describe our relationship with the most important points. The first three months of our relationship where great not a single fight between us. From 4 to the 8 we had 3 mayor alterations but something I didn't believe wasn't manageable with good communication . Then on our eight month on being together she started to act different and i felt she was distancing herself from me. I ask her about the situation and she says its nothing. Eventually we broke up. I asked her for the reason why she left me and she said i was cold, judgmental and incentive to her friends. In my defense her friends never liked me but regardless i decide she is worth changing for. The summer came and we didn't have much contact. Once the new college semester started, we had moments that it felt that we where back together but nothing official.The year finally ended and now where in a new semester. With the new year we went on several dates and even had a romantic moment which was a pleasant surprise. When I officially get the courage to ask her to b with me again . She responds she fells in guilt tripping her back to a relationship. I was sad because I really had fallen for her and my true intention is to share a life with her so to hear i was guilt tripping i was shocked . Valentine day was a couple days ago and i gave her a present of all the things she liked and she was really happy even we didn't share no fiscal emotion I think we shared a emotion. So what im asking is do i really have a chance with her and if i do how do i approach it. I just would like her to fall in love with me and not feel guilt trip but loved. She is a decided person and has a strong character.We still talk and we have awkward moments together . She does say that she has emotionally moved on but I still believe we have a connection. I truly believe she stills have feeling more me and is afraid to give me a second chance. I am open for anything that can help and save my relationship with her. Thank you for reading and i hope for response soon.

Let me try to make this long story short. It's a tale you've probably heard a thousand times.

A couple of years ago I split with my wife, it was a long time coming and needed to happen. I moved out and found myself slowly recuperating as a bachelor, knowing I needed to get healthy before I could be ready to date.

During this period, I became very close with a dear friend who I always found attractive. We became very close and supportive and even though we both knew the timing wasn't right (she had also experienced the trauma of divorce and a rebound relationship that didn't work), we became lovers. And what lovers!

This relationship was not only sexually intense and rewarding, but incredibly close, caring and honest. We shared everything. I've never experienced anything like it. And I knew it was special, not just because I was seeing this with a distorted perspective, but you just know when the right one comes along and this was the right one. The feeling was mutual and we both understood that the conditions were not great as neither of us could really give the other the level of commitment we needed. Inevitably she moved on, because she needed commitment from me and I just wasn't ready, with too many loose ends in my marriage and life to tie up.

She told me honestly what she needed and I said I just wasn't there yet, but wanted that, I just needed a few more months. But she felt she couldn't wait, that I'd never get there, so she left me and started dating and found a guy that fits her delusional profile of "Mr. Right". I was heartbroken, but understood why she moved on. It was a very messy emotional period for both of us, because she still really loved me and I her....

In the next 10 weeks I turned my focus to me, working out, changing my lifestyle, being positive and healthy, dealing with the ex wife, all the right things.

I tried the "no contact" process, but we just kept reengaging as we had a desire to communicate and keep each other in our lives. Probably not a good idea. I let her know that I wanted her back in my life and wanted to commit to her.... She expressed her confusion and indecisiveness over her new relationship, and that she craved me and missed me and was sorry and loved me. That I was important to her, but she was in a committed relationship. I sensed that this guy pursued her aggressively and has put her on a pedestal and overwhelmed her with attention and offers her stability and commitment. She loves him and sees him as a good fit and a good provider, but there is something missing for sure and that's likely the intense passion and chemistry and excitement we shared. Plus we always had a lot of fun and a great lifestyle.

We eventually saw each other and had a fantastic talk. She was blown away by the change in my attitude and appearance. After a dinner and drinks, I walked her home and she threw herself at me. We made out and it was intense and fantastic. Probably not a good idea, but we found each other irresistible.

The next day she texted me saying that it was wrong and will never happen again and that we needed space and couldn't communicate anymore. That she was sorry and loved me, but owed it to herself to see where this new relationship was going. I said I understood and wished her happiness, and that I would always love her. To take her time and contact me when she is ready.

We haven't spoken since. And it's really hard as it's like losing her all over again. Part of me wishes I just shut her out of my life the first time, but I just couldn't do that.

I know that we were made for each other, I know that sounds romantic and idealistic. The only thing that worked against us the first time round was timing. I want her back, but I also want to stop obsessing over that possibility and get on with my own objectives. What should I do? Simply patiently wait it out and see what happens in her new relationship? Or be more proactive in getting her back?

Any direction and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Chase

Great article very interesting. Let me keep this short in hope that you will give me som feedback.

Got an email from my ex and after reading it a couple of times, it reminded my of you description of a farewell letter... How sad our breakup was and that she believed in us etc
So my question is, how would you play your cards if you had recived a farewell letter.

All the best
Jake

Ok now how about if i have fun with my ex and im attractive but shes 19 (young n dum) and we have a child together (guess im the dum one) btw im 24 .. And we live together but arent in a relation ship and shes head over hills for another guy.. I find myself chaseim and i know that hes playing his cards right. How do i play my hand right

Hi chase! I guess my ex girlfriend belongs to #1 emotional category. How do i know if she is in the longing phase so i can start to take action? Right now i'm on day 12 of NC and i really want to win her back. Appreciate any form of help!

Hi Chase,

Me and my ex mutually agreed to break up prior to Christmas, after being together for exactly 2 years, as we didn't spend enough time with each. During this time I realised that I really loved her and wanted to get back with her. So after the holidays I asked to to meet me for a coffee, where she told me that we had done the right thing splitting and that she was ready to start dating again.

I thought she was bluffing but did a bit snooping and found out she was on Plenty of Fish (where we met initially I might add). I went into panic mode and flipped out! She told me she was on there only for attention as she never got it from me.

For the next 3 months I did all the begging pleading and initiating contact for the whole time which seemed to work to a point as we met up every other week, had a really great time and even still had sex. At one point I thought we were definitely back together...but each time we parted she went back to being distant with me and only ever responded to texts and never initiated.

Then couple of weeks ago we planned a day out together and had a few drinks. We got talking and she told me that I was handsome but she didn't find me "want to rip your clothes of sexy" and that I was just "to nice".

I asked if there was another guy in her life, and she admitted she had been “meeting” (as she put it) another guy. I got angry at first then calmed down, carried on with the date and got her back to my house where we ended up sleeping together. She said she knew she wasn't being fair to me and that she had to make her mind up soon.

In bed I stupidly then brought the conversation of the other guy and because I was drunk. I flipped out and got really angry, had a bit of a mental meltdown, begged, pleaded, cried as I was so upset. She left the next day and told me to leave her alone.

She's now said that it was definitely over between us and told me that she’s enjoying the company of this other guy and they’re seeing how things go and for me and not to contact her again. I sent her a text couple of days later saying no hard feelings hope things work out, which she replied and just said take care.

It's true that you don't realise what you've got until it's gone. I know it sounds messed up but I really do love her. I want to get back with her so much. Do you think it's possible?

Chase:

Need your help ...

I'm taking time away from this gal I'm crazy about, as the first attempt kinda failed. I was too eager, etc., and things kinda verged on entering the friend zone. But I know from her past comment that she's attracted to me (just before our get-together she told me not once but twice how great I looked - all within 5 minutes). Anyway as I only saw her occasionally to begin with (she works at a men's store in a mall I go to now and then) I'm not sure how much she's even aware that I'm trying to give her space and regroup. In a perfect world I'd see her frequently, play it cool at first, etc., but I don't have that luxury here.

So what's an effective way to get back in the game? Tips? Tricks? Timing?

Thanks.

Hey, I need help Ive done just about everything wrong trying to get my ex girlfriend back having continually chased her, turned up at her home, wrote a letter , text and emailed all since the breakup two weeks ago! To give you a bit of back ground she responded to all my attempts listening and engaging even spending a day shopping, inviting me back to hers ending up having sex. The thing is everytime she very calmly ( out of character) explained that she want time and space and wanted me to move on because it wasn't fair on me to wait? I feel like I've been bashed in with this up and down approach.. She says she still loves me but can't be with me??

Our relationship has been turbelent with lots of mini breakups all coming from the fact I didn't commit and didnt try for a baby when she wanted last year I guess I didn't put her first In Fact behind work, gym and my two children ( from an ex )

The thing is she has given me lots of time and never ignored me when approached but never given me any real hope other than listening... Yesterday we spent 3 hours on the phone discussing our relationship and certain events? Of course I thought this was a positive

She has kept saying she would block my number to make no contact easier but we both have kept contact she even rang me up after I hadn't rung her for two days kicking off because she had hacked my emails and photo stream via iCloud and thought I'd moved on!! She did say it wasn't fair to do that

I really have messed up because I love her and want her back commitment isn't an issue I just wasn't ready at the time and we never recovered to ask again!

Yesterday she finally said please move on I feel that I just need space and time i may find that I want to be with you and if so I'll find you! She told me she has met a guy although I know at this stage it's been drinks and nothing more..

I'm faced with having tried every trick and technique even some what belatedly asking her to marry me... Too much too late.

Up to now we had an extremely strong emotional bond in a 18 month relationship although always pushing and pulling eachother...

I'm ready to make her number 1, I can make changes that I've promised and not done before I just need a chance!

Please help... Oh she said no to me marrying her and said you should of asked 6 months ago!

Hey Chase,

Thank you for this site. I've always avoided PUA stuff in general because it seems like it's coming from a place of insecurity, not strength. I do however have a sticky situation I was hoping you could help with.

My ex and I were best friends for several years before we got together. We got together last year, and she recently broke it off with me.

I'll be the first to admit that I got a bit boring and failed to excite her. I got clingy and paranoid about other guys. However, I was busy working on myself when she decided to do this. The breakup did hit me hard, and I do want her back. Originally, she was the one who pursued me.

She insists that we go back to being "best friends", and remains in touch daily through instant messaging. I refuse to do it too often, but I do get back to her after a while. At first, she didn't text me at all, and when I started pulling back the attention I gave her, she started texting back quicker and more often.

I am seeing her in a few days, and don't know how to handle it. Should I just pretend I've moved on or should I gently bring up the subject? I've become a better man in the last few weeks with gym, some small successes, and being a better version of me (aka my old self).

Thanks!!

Hi Chase,

My GF and I were in a good relationship, it was amazing and exciting but then she went out of the country for an Internship from Feb 2014 to Dec 2014. So we had been in long distance relationship since mid February. I admit the excitement was dying off for me just a month ago I told her i need a break but then we talked and I decided against it (maybe I should have taken it).

But now, just a week ago she broke up with me saying she doesn't love me anymore (she says she still cares about me though). I can't believe it but i was so upset and I might have cried a bit and messaged her some times after breakup (which i should'nt have).

P.S she did say she will visit me here in august if i want her to (to talk through stuff).

the point is it could be category #2 but whenever we skyped It was always me making the jokes etc. it was like she was so depressed with her work that nothing excited her? and this led to me being bored of her sometimes => thus me being less excited with her. But she wasn't that way and it could be the long distance.

And now I miss her a lot, but the point is I miss the times we had together when she was here.

P.S we have been in long distance once before (for 3 months) and the observation I've made is: in long distance she gets detached and too busy with her stuff there. anyway that time she needed her space but was back with me in 3 days after i gave her the space.

I thought we would be together for good. But the question is with the problems we have in long distance (both times) is it good to try and get back with her if she keeps doing the same in the future? (cause she is in line of a career that may send her to different places around earth).

My ex and I broke up a week ago for the second time in a month. I had a rough life patch and got stressed, grouchy and negative for a short period and she couldn't handle it. I seeked out professional help, committed to changing myself for the better. We talked after a few weeks and decided to give it another go. After a month of much improvement and growth in our relationship I had a one behavior slip up, but got over it and carried on with my day. A couple of days later she came to me and broke up with me again, she said she couldn't lose the resentment from the past, and that she had lost respect for me by the way I handled a stressful situation. I found it to be quite minor as I am generally happy and optimistic. She said she loved me like no other, that she wasn't giving up on me but just didn't want us or to put the work into improving our relationship anymore. She was very confused when she left and bordered on staying to work it out. Both times she left she had started birth control days earlier and I had noticed that she had been quite emotional. I've dated many women in life and have never had the connection that we share. We have many commonalities and our families are connected in 4 different ways. I believe we are meant to be together. Any thoughts? More time apart perhaps?

So I was wondering how long do you think I should wait to send that letter for a type 1 girl?

The back story is that we had known each other for a long time. We both worked at the same place for a while then I left it and went back and she had an event in her life that made us reconnect. I feel that there were things outside of our control that brought is back together as people. Continually reconnecting with each other in ways that I can't believe were coincidence long before we ever got together as a couple.

We dated for about 8 months. In about the last month I had some incidents at work and I ended up in a bit of a legal battle with my employer that ended with me getting put on paid leave until the end of my contract. But I had basically been fired by my employer, illegally. Anyway our relationship was great up until the last month because I let all the negativity of that experience really take over my worldview. I felt bitter and also useless. I felt like every thing I did was useless and pointless. I know this affected our relationship because I let it get in between us. Not that I felt negative towards her or ever yelled or did any of that. I just felt like I was in a funk.

Anyway about 3 weeks ago we were talking and she said she wanted to have children in the future. I didn't know what to say about it and when she asked if I loved her I panicked. I said no but I didn't really mean it. We decided to break up but I realized immediately what I had done. I sent flowers and did everything that I thought was right. A week after we broke up I went to her house and brought flowers and wanted to tell her I was sorry for what I said and that I do love her and want a future with her. I just had all these fears stemming from my parents divorce when I was a kid. Of course she wasn't having any of it. She said a lot of things that were not true and basically told me I was the worst thing that ever happened to her. She was basically in that entire type 1 girl.

Now it has been two weeks since that happened and all the advice I have been given by friends and family has been to give her time. She said that she never really gave me her heart but I know that isn't true. Everyone I have spoken to has said that she fell in love with me. And I fell in love with her too. I just wonder what do you think about this situation? How long should I give her before I send her the letter for the type 1? I really do feel that we had something special that got ruined because of my fear and negativity about my job. But I realize after meeting my superior that fired me and him not having the guts to even look at me that I was dumb for feeling so down.

Any advice?

I came on here heartbroken and ready to die, but i left happier than ever because of that last little bit. I got over my girl in one day because of that and when she came crawling back i told her no. If i hadnt read that i would have said yes and been absolutely miserable. Thank you

Alright.. So here is my story.. My ex and I dated for about 7 months. We ended up getting into a HUGE fight due too me apparently being "controlling". We ended up breaking up and she said that she no longer loved me, and had no more feelings for me what so ever... And hearing that broke my heart. I went on " No contact" with her for about 6-7 weeks until last week I was cleaning out my room (moving out) and I found some of her clothes, I sent her a text and we agreed to meet at her house, I arrived and we began talking. I apologized to her for everything that happened, and that is breaking up was for the best. We hugged it out and then I left. She later sent me a text saying "I don't hate you. I don't have a reason too. I'll never forget the great memories that we had.
My question is that is their any way to win her back??! Please help me!!
Also her friend told me that she no longer thinks I'm hot, or attractive anymore.. Help me please!!

Hi Chase, read from your website all the time. My girlfriend of 5yrs left me a couple of days ago for another man she met at an alonon class. Early in our relationship she mentioned to me that she had a few male friends and that she hoped it wouldn't cause any jealousy. I told her I was fine with it but time proved me wrong. Issues started to rise from time to time and this is what she said pulled her away. I realize now that I was the one that pushed her away. Other than these issues we got along beautifully. After the breakup I bothered her for a couple of days and ceased contact. I would really like to win her back. I am in business for myself and she has been my bookkeeper from day one. She is very valuable to my company and volunteered to stay on and help me. This involves being in contact from time to time. I have decided to have her help me as this would be a serious blow to my company and her work involved more than just bookkeeping. This is the girl of my dreams and would greatly appreciate some help. She said she didn't want it to happen this way but I gave her no choice.

Hello,

I met a woman off the computer in New Orleans. She was amazing and we had a great time. The thing is since we met I flew home and we have been talking on the phone and texting and I can see her interest fizzle. I kind of over did it texting and such and she still texts but I am running out of things to talk about and I no longer find her being intrigued by me.

What do I do.

Do I go visit her un announced ? How do I create that spark again.

Thanks
Traveler

Greetings Chase,

Great article and blog. I feel like I have found a great amount of useful information on your site. My question pertains to a situation where it seems like I am dealing with a woman that straddles the #1 type and the #2 type. Perhaps a woman that wanted more, certain needs to have been met and objectives to have unfolded but is using #2 reasons to justify her breaking up with me. The reason for the straddling hypothesis is that she states that I did not meet her emotional support demands. That I seemingly did not care enough for her. That she was always reaching out to me and sending me sweet messages and I wasn't willingly reciprocating. She communicated that I stopped being romantic and stopped taking her out and didn't do enough activities with her. She says that she lost interest and that spark was no longer. However also it is clear that she wanted the relationship to move to a unified living arrangement and was willing to have a child with me at a certain point. I feel like her past has created strong insecurities within her and she needed a commitment anchor. Not attaining an anchor, the lack of me reaching out to her and instilling confidence through random I love yous and I hope your day is great, created a void of confidence in my attraction within her in her perspective. It seems like she wanted to finally be in control of leaving someone before they hurt her by greater neglect and or cheating on her.

This situation seems like a hybrid of the #1 and #2. I feel that if I had continued to provide her romance and sent her thoughtful messages here and there and showed more interest over her events unfolding within her life, she would still be with me. She is now very angry with me if I try to speak to her and refuses to speak with me. I am confused how to exactly place her, within which category.

It would be great if you could elaborate on the hybrid scenario. When a woman is angry with you because she did not achieve her desires within her mental and biological time table but uses #2 category reasons to justify her breaking up with you and see's anything that you promise to do that you weren't doing as a ploy to just get her back and that things would eventually default to the old ways. How do you read this situation? Where does such a woman ultimately fall, within which category? Someone that claims that their partner needs to get their stuff together.

Thanks,

Patrick

You are literally my new mentor.
After 3 months of reading almost all articles on this page, and working on myself, my Ex literally came back begging for me - even if she has a boyfriend.
But really, after all these months I don't even want her back anymore - I've discovered that there are a lot of other amazing women out there.
I don't know how with all the knowledge you have you still haven't become the world leader.
Jokes aside, you have really changed my life - in a positive way.
Thank you.

Hey Chase, I noticed your point that you always attracted your exes back during the rebound stage. How did you do this? What techniques work in this situation?

What if she left you because of religious reason, for example wanting to walk right with God, and do not feel you are that man that can do that for her

Hey, I'll tell a short version of what happened. I met a girl and I was't that serious and suddenly I feel like I'm in a relationship. I didn't stop seeing other girls but at the same time I was attached to her, she was a special person to me. She was different, in a way she made me better. Stopped doing drugs and start focusing in my studies, I cut girls. I'm only 23. I've been with her for four years. This year I started working on a business and lost a lot in it and I'm not the type of person that ask for help. So I dealt with it alone, and one day I lost it with her and started to ignore her, shut her down completely. I've smoked during the shut down, so it made it easy but by time I stopped for good. I tried contacting her a couple of times but she never respond. After 7 months she responded. "Hey, sorry for not answering but I didn't know what to say, I forgave you and my heart is for another". After her respond my mind went to crazy mood and now I con't stop thinking of her. I look her up at Facebook and twitter every 2 hours since we broke up. And what really bothers me she didn't try to find out why I pushed her away. We spoke about marriage and even gave our first child a name. I knew girls but never been this close to them. Actually I see my self as a player. I really don't know how to say it. Please advice me. Thank you.

Hi and thanks for this article.. Quick question as i asked in the previous article...
If there are 2 or more ex's actively trying to win back a girl, any advice on how one can do better and actually get her back?

Thanks!

Hey Chase thanks so much for writing this. My girlfriend for 8 months has been having trust issues for most of the relationship When I a completely loyal and faithful to her. She's mentioned a bunch of times how I make her feel insecure about the relationship and herself. I always tell her she is beautiful and stare her in the eyes and explain how much I love her and she will say the same. Whenever we are together it's like everything is perfect. This is the longest I've been in a relationship and I've told her How inexperienced I am and haven't been quick on the draw to show full commitment at first. Of course I am in it for the long haul but as of now I think she is just so stressed out and it's too late she is saying. She wants to be single and says She is happy when she is single and doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. We went out to lunch the other day and told each other we missed each other so much and she called me babe, baby, and said she loved me. It had been probably a week since we had seen each other and that night we went out together just me and her. Holding hands. Kissing. Hugging each other saying we love one another. Then we're back where she thinks she isn't right for me and how it's too late for all the things I'm telling her and expressing to her. I've hand written a beautiful letter to her the day before we went out to lunch expressing my love for Her hoping she truly understands. She wants to be single right now and I'm wondering if I have the chance to get her back? Thanks a lot chase

Hi,
My case is a bit different. We had a v good relationship for last two and half years. But yes i said her its over and we became one again. It happens twice. She moved to dubai a year back due her job. Still we had good relationship. But one i said no we should go on our own. She requested and begged. After some time we became one. She came to india a month back. We had v good time together. When she got back she asked from there where are we moving. I said we should be friends.
Cause i had some problems she not related to her. She became depressed. Before 10 days she was normal and not dating anybody. I never thought she could go to anybody else. But now she is. She told me dat she is dating and moving on. I did all the things you mentioned. Begging , crying etc. everythng. She categorically said she doesnt want to live with me. And she gave me many chances. She was right. She now does not pick up my call. I planned to give her first surprise gift by visiting her on her birthday which is on second week of august. I told her i was a surprise. She said u never told me that you are interested in comning so she made other plans. I requested again and said i am coming anyhow. But after reading your article i texted for the last time. Saying -I think you should carry on with your b'day plans. U will enjoy it in better ways without me and obviously u planned it and have made prior imp commitment. It was just a surprise i planned but it bcms surprise for me.I'll c what to do with tckts. If any of ur frnd need dat then tell me i can give it free of cost.
Enjoy

Hi,
First of all excellent articles. so thanks in advance.
I was in a perfect relationship. I loved her, her family was good to me and liked me back, we were engaged and everything was going fairly good, her name is Camille. About 8 months before the big day I kissed another girl (Helena) who seemed to be more like me. she liked the same stuff I did and we were very similar. I cancelled the wedding with Camille thinking it was the right thing to do and I basically broke her heart as you can imagine.. I acted like the ultimate asshole.

Camille never found out about Helena and I kept it that way. After breaking up I carried on with Helena and everything seemed fine but she wanted more commitment and I defo needed more time to cool off before jumping onto something serious again. We ended up moving together like 7 months later, but 2 months down the line I started to see thing in her I didn't really like and when life hit me hard with certain circumstances Helen seemed to not care and want me only for when life was "good" to me. I must say that through out my relationship with Helena I never forgot about Camille and I never stop caring about her. Helene and I are not longer together and Im sure its for the best. The issue here is I want to get back with Camille and I don't know how. I ve been the biggest jerk

I have spoken to Camille and let her know how I feel and she says she still has feelings for me but she also feels anger. I also know she is going out with someone on a casual basis but she assures its nothing more than a "friendship".

We have arranged to see each other again. I have told her I missed her and also that I don't want to get back together right away as I understand she was heart broken and she needs lots of time to heal but I didn't want to lose her. So I suggested we start seeing each other but in a friendly way so that she could see that my intentions were genuine (which they truly are). Camille is the love of my life and I know I screwed up. I'm desperate to fix this but I don't want to scare her off in the process as she has rebuild herself up and feels stronger.

We have been texting but it feels more like I'm chasing and she is in control and I don't know to what extend I'm doing right.

Please If you find some time to throw some clues at me I would deeply appreciate it.
cheers,
LJ

Thanks for such a great, informative article, it's helped me see the mistakes I've made with my recent ex. My situation maybe not be rare, but It's certainly individual, and I'd like to share it in the hope that Yourself, Chase, and the others who read this may be able to offer some advice.

My ex and I got together a few months ago. We worked together and slowly started getting closer to the point that it was obvious there was mutual attraction. It was at this point that I told her nothing would happen while she was still with her partner at the time, (she was engaged) We had "The talk," And then a couple of hours after she left my house I got a text saying she had left him. We got together the next day.

Things were so sweet, and I quickly fell in love despite myself. There were problems, she was 18, I'm 35, but we were close, and I knew that I could trust her and we were getting closer everyday. Then something changed.

She came back to mine pretty late one night after she'd been for a few drinks after work with mutual friends. It wasn't an issue for me untill she brought up that her and a close friend of mine had an awkward moment because he was worried I wouldn't want them spending time together when I wasn't there. I told her as long as they were just mates, and she was totally honest with me there wasn't a problem, but I found it strange that she felt she had to tell me about it.

I have severe depression and anxiety problems that keep popping up every now and again, and for some reason this managed to spark off some intense paranoia in me. Over the next week or two, she constantly talked about him, was constantly texting him, and things came to a head one day when I got to work and she told me she'd had a horrible day and she was going for a drink with him when she finished her shift. Looking back, it wasn't an issue, but at the time it was enough to make me feel certain that she wanted to be with him, and I flipped, I knew I was getting paranoid and basically told her to stay away from me as I wasn't going to be any good for her. That night, things progressed through text messages to the point she came up to mine at about one in the morning and broke it off with me for the first time. It was very emotional, very heated, but a few days later she came back and told me she had made a terrible mistake. I was overjoyed, and we were back together, but things were never the same after that.

In short, after that I got very depressed and paranoid, I became needy, she became very distant and stayed out a lot more, and much later, and we argued. A lot. Things got to a point one night when she was doing the usual staying out late while I was sat at home getting paranoid, a horrible argument happened, she didn't come home that night, and the next day she came to mine on her break and broke up with me. It really was a bad argument, I know I really hurt her with some of the things I said, and she did me. So started a protracted process of breaking up.

I never stopped chasing her, I desperately wanted her back, and I know it pushed her away from me. There was a brief time that it looked like we were getting back together, we had the whole mutual love and miss each other chat, I said I'd wait as she needed time on her own, she was happy about it, then one night (her birthday) we were out and she went totally cold on me again, she wouldn't answer calls, messages, she told me not to wait for her, that it was over. I was heartbroken again.

Things got even messier between us. I eneded up in hospital and she started seeing a friend of mine which sent me psycho, and I admitt that I've had my moments in which I've acted like a psycho. From my point of view it looks like I've f***ed everything up. The thing is, I love her, I mean really love her, I don't want to be with anyone else. She's still with this guy, and she's shut down any contact I can have with her, completely, but I know, I feel that she's done this to try and distance herself from me, I know that there's still a lot of feeling between us. What I need to know is, is this beyond repair? I've read a few online things similar to what you're saying, and I get the basic psychology behind it all, it makes sense. I definitely do love her, I want to spend my life with her, and I don't want to let go, or move on, I'm certain that I want her back.

Am I chasing a ghost? Should I just do my best to pack up and move on? Help please, I love her, she's my world.

I have a scenario that seems to fit in a separate category. 2 year relationship. It shares aspects of #2 and #1, but she left NOT because I was a 'bore', but because she is a lot younger and decided being single is better than our passionate relationship that had too many fights (I'm 35 she's 26). I am a 'catch' and I know this (so is she). We had an extremely passionate relationship. Never any cheating, never any lack of desire and were great friends. She just had issues taking the next steps with me (perhaps I was getting serious faster than she was). Our main issue was communication between us, and a couple maturity issues on her part. We were 99% amazing, but
had 2 major fights. I said mean things to her that I think killed her romantic feelings for me (trust etc.).

She also has an ex that was been omnipresent in the beginning, and I showed some insecurity and trust issues (she kissed him early in our relationship and I got very jealous and threatened him-I'm also a pretty calm person but i train in martial arts and I'm glad I didn't hurt the guy) . We had 2 major fights, one about the ex kiss and one about me snooping in her facebook after an ex sent her a message (I know, bad move, insecurity again). But with each fight the situation quickly devolved into name-calling, shoving (her shoving me) etc. She broke it off with me and said she needs no contact for a while.

The last time we saw each other we spent an entire night having sex and she left in tears saying she loved me so much but we just had to be apart right now. Our sex life was incredible to the last moment and never suffered, and I know this for a fact)

So my question would be, how to get back a mostly amazing, compatible, passionate relationship (with some related problems) where the woman isn't sure if the grass is greener and things just got too intense for her? I'm going to therapy for my anger/trust/insecurity issues and she knows I am working on myself, but I think she is starting to date others now (and it's killing me). I'm not ready to date yet, i could try but i would be wasting everyone's time.

We were last together 18 day ago and it was steamy and very intimate. Do I stick with 'no contact' or try to get back into limited contact somehow. I've told her I can;t be 'friends' with her, I'm completely in love with this girl (folks here probably think that's silly but it is what it is).

Any advice / feedback is much appreciated! I'm completely devastated and really want to get her back.

Thanks again!

Hi chase,

Would like to say that your article is amazing, and it really relates very well to the situations we face as guys.

I am from a asian country, and would like to know what i can do further to keep her back to me instead of straying away to a better choice.

Here goes,

Both of us met about a year ago, with me still being in a relationship with another girl, and thereafter i found that we had this mutual understanding between each other, and that the sparks were really there. We could talk, laugh and even say the silliest things under the stars.

Heading into a new relationship, we started going out officially on her birthday, marking it as a double celebration in terms for anniversaries and such. Little did i know that her social status and mine were completely different.

Her family was among the top of the most affluent people in the country, big houses, cars, you name it. Her parents were against our relationship as they thought that i was only going out with her because of her money. I reassured her, telling her that i am not in for the money, and that i am genuinely in love with her.

Our feelings got deeper, we knew each other inside out, without much to say, there was that sorta telepathy thing going on between us.

She had this friend whom she knew years back, and was her "good friend". He was a doctor ( in my country it is counted as a good profession ), drawing in a stable income from the civil service. She cut off contact with him initially because i wasn't comfortable with his presence, and in disregard that he does not even respect her in the sense where he actually had this conversation with her, telling her that if she slept with him, he'd give her his car. ( He's from a affluent background too, and since young, his parents took a liking to him for being a suck up and just because he's rich ) . She felt bad for ignoring him for the past few months, and started to reply to him and even going out with him.

All these dragged till the day in which her parents confiscated her car, due to me sleeping over at their house, they decided to implement the harsh method on their daughter. ( she is the most favoured in their' household as she's the youngest and with the most eligibility on getting married off first ).

Just recently 3 weeks ago, we argued so badly about me being overly "too possessive" about her meeting other guys. I told her clearly that he's the only one i'm against, i said that she could meet other guys whom i personally think that they a true to her instead of a faggot who only wants to sleep with her, using money.

Juggling alongside with her own startup and her family business, i knew that the workload she had is almost endless. She had to stress her brains out, and even cut off dinner time with me to spend with her family. ( i mean nothing wrong with that, i totally agreed on that as it's quality time with her parents ), but this meant that both of us were, drifting apart as compared to the time we used to be having each other all the time. I have to stress that i also have a part on this, as i was having a small startup business as well, and i was clingy and always by her side almost 24/7.

She started to wanna lose weight, wanted to make herself slimmer and look prettier. ( i mean that's good but if it's for a wrong cause? ), and told me she wanted to do that JUST TO ATTRACT OTHER GUY's attention. Obviously my reply to her was like, what the f***? Seriously do you need to do this sorta thing? i mean isn't enough that you have my attention?

And this proceeded on to more arguments over that doctor guy, adding on to my insecurities as a guy who can't even fend for himself, much less her, but always was there and supportive of everything she did, she decided to have a break from relationships/guys. She said she needed time to sort her life out as she was stressed out with work and had too much stuff to be in a relationship, and that she was happy with her freedom and wanted her independence.

We didn't meet like everyday after that incident, and after we did meet, i bide her farewell, giving her a hug and a peck on the lips, saying to her that i really loved her so much, and missed her so much as well.

She told me that she needed a stable guy, and asked me to prove to her that i could land myself in a stable job, and to focus on what i wanted in my life, while she focuses on her life aspect as well.

I decided to have listening ears to help me out, people who knew her and were close to her. Majority of them told me that i should give her up since her mentality is like that. I choose not to because i believe so much, that this relationship could weather all storms in life that has yet to come. I've put in so much effort building up myself, having dreams to work on, even taking up extra classes to improve myself on the academic side.

I will not deny that i didn't do well in my younger days, and that it has taken it's toll on me now, hence i am unable to find a job which is pretty much "stable" in that sense right now in this age and time.

I had a flea market today, and the vibe she gave off being concerned about me wasn't like just "being a friend" kind of thing, i could feel that she still loved me. Someone who was close to her popped by and told me that she was unhappy even at home, and not as happy as before when we were together.

What should i do? and what else can i exercise on this "yet to be broken" relationship?

I love this girl very much and she's been my longest ever, and i even have the vision of us being together for a very long time. I really hold dear to this relationship and even not texting her right now or not knowing of her day really tears me to the core of wanting to be part of her life.

One of the dates of this month would be our 11th monthsary,( i know this sounds stupid but i buy her a gift every month). Should i celebrate it with her, despite the fact that she called for a 3 month cooling off period? How can i be sure that she doesn't go out with that doctor, and have a change of heart? How do i know that she still does have feelings for me, and still loves me?

Really am a lost soul even now as i am pursuing my studies and looking for a regular job.

Please help me,
Appreciated with thanks.
Fab.