How to Get Your Girlfriend Back


A little over a year and a half ago, I wrote an article on here called "The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back." It fairly quickly became one of the more popular articles on the site, as getting girls back whose interest you've lost tends to be a common thing a great many men are all trying to figure out.

That piece also led to me getting a relatively constant stream of emails and comments and requests to write the post I'd promised, provided there was enough interest, at the end of it - a post on how to get your girlfriend back.

how to get your girlfriend back

Here's the latest request, from longerjt on the article about using scarcity:

Chase -

So yesterday I layed it out and challenged a girlfriend to get in or out and she slammed me. I said I needed to know where she stood and that I was ready to move on and bam! She said take a hike. Guess I misplayed it.

Hence, can you do the post you promised some time ago, "how to get your girlfriend back" in "how to get a girl back"? I could use it now.

Thanks for the great stuff!

JT

If you've been reading this site a while, you may have thought I was asleep at the wheel, or that I didn't care to address this question. A lot of people have asked about it.

But in fact, over the past 19 months or so, I've probably written a half dozen versions of this article. It's not that it's technically difficult to write... it's that there are certain moral implications in taking a girlfriend back, under certain conditions, that I feel it's important for men to understand, and it's also that I find most men trying to get their ex-girlfriends back are more concerned with what they want than with what their former girlfriends want (and need).

I think I'm in a place now where I can communicate this right.

So today, let's discuss how to get a girlfriend back - and who you need to be and what you need to be willing to do if you're going to pull this off.

It isn't always hard. Plenty of people get back together every day. But I'll be writing this for the hard cases - the ones where she isn't already knocking down your door for another try. So I'll be giving you some stuff that's tried and tested, that I've used myself multiple times, and that I've watched friends and students and mentees use effectively again and again.

But believe you me, if I find out you've used this irresponsibly and hurt some girl by being selfish, I will come to where you live and demolish you.

That out of the way, let's get on with it.


how to get your girlfriend back

First things first: why aren't you and her together anymore?

If you're the one who did the breaking up, you already know the answer:

  • You became bored dating her
  • You wanted to see what else was out there
  • You were moving somewhere else or she was

If you broke up with her because she cheated on you or just stopped coming to see you, this doesn't count; she's still the one who left... you merely made it official.

So if you broke up for any other reason than you simply couldn't be together location-wise, or you just didn't have the same emotions for her anymore, you must read this section.

Because you won't have a flying chance in heck of getting a girlfriend back without it (unless she's REALLY desperate).


Why Your Girlfriend Left You

how to get your girlfriend backThere are three (3) core reasons women leave:

  1. Their current man is not sexy, dominant, and attractive enough

  2. Their current man makes them feel too unstable and insecure

  3. Progress in the relationship has stalled out

All other reasons are secondary to these. For instance:

  • She met some really sexy guy and ran off with him? You weren't attractive enough, or progress in your relationship had stalled out

  • She told you she needed someone more serious, more willing to commit? You made her feel too unstable/insecure, or progress in your relationship had stalled out

  • She faded you out and disappeared, or grew cold and stopped talking to you? You made her feel too unstable/insecure, or progress in your relationship had stalled out

  • She told you it just wasn't working out and she wanted to take a break? You weren't attractive enough, or progress in the relationship had stalled out

There's a common belief among the (inexperienced and unempathetic) men and women of the world that people of the opposite sex "don't make sense" or "are irrational."

But all these behaviors we exhibit in our relationships are the product of eons natural selection. Everything we do makes perfect sense, and is perfectly rational. It only seems irrational if you don't understand the ultimate aim of it... that is to say, if your mental model of the thing is flawed.

Men and women do the things they do because the things they do move them closer to their romantic and sexual objectives. And understanding where the differences lie in those objectives can allow you to see why the behavior differs between the sexes.


Differences in Objectives Between the Sexes

You're familiar of course with the usual clichés, like that men want sex and women want relationships, and men want freedom and woman want closeness and intimacy. As you doubtless realize, it's not as simple as this; men want relationships and women want sex too, and women want freedom and men want closeness and intimacy as well.

However, there are some very distinct differences in the mating goals of the sexes that lead to conflict, disharmony, and discord, and when you have trouble in your relationships it almost boils down to one of these mismatches between the relationship objective desired and the reality of the relationship situation:

  1. Women lack time for ongoing non-commitment. This is more a subconscious program running in girls' heads than it is a conscious awareness. It doesn't start becoming conscious until somewhere around age 30 in the modern West; the more conservative she is the earlier it does, and the more liberal she is, the later it does. Regardless of her degree of consciousness of it or not, all women - even teenage girls - are operating on a relationship deadline. A relationship that doesn't produce children and/or commitment within just a couple of years almost invariably falls prey to the 2 year drop, and things change and women make increasingly more demands and, if these aren't met, leave.

  2. Women need commitment for social acceptance. Even in the West, where women have made so many gains in removing old social norms, women still feel social pressure to get commitment out of long-term partners. The longer a relationship progresses without commitment, the more jittery a woman tends to become, as she starts to feel more and more like she "hasn't got it" or that her man "isn't committed to her enough," and as family, peers, and the media begin to pressure her to get her man to commit - or find one who will.

  3. Women need commitment for support. One of the things that happens with long-term relationships is that, much of the time, eventually, children happen. Aside from the biological urges pushing her down that path, a woman also asks herself logical questions, like, "If we have an accident and I get pregnant, is he going to support me or not?" If she starts feeling like the answer is or might be "no," that's a major problem for a relationship.

What it really comes down to is women need men to take care of them and deliver them the kind of relationship progress they require.

This is not the issue for some categories of breakups, which we'll discuss more in detail in just a moment. However, these are the differences contributing to the type of breakup where women leave in frustration at not being able to achieve relationship goals - and you need to understand them.

Forget "female empowerment" or "women's liberation" or any of that other talk. That's 20-something girl talk and spinster talk. Most women outside the blogosphere aren't talking that way. Most women today ultimately still want the same thing their mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers wanted: a happy, stable, committed relationship, with a strong, attractive man to call their own.

And if a girl starts feeling like she can't get that with you, she leaves.

Of course, there are a few other reasons she may leave, as well.


how to get your girlfriend back

A girl's going to have one of three (3) very distinct emotion classes post-breakup with you:

  1. Screw you, jerk!
  2. I'm free! or
  3. It's too soon!

For our purposes here (getting her back), #1 and #3 are vastly, vastly, overwhelmingly more desirable.

In the case of #1, the emotion she's experiencing is large scale auto-rejection, and she wanted what she couldn't have (you). That means the breakup happened not because she wanted it to, but because she simply reached the limit of her abilities to tolerate not being able to get what she needed from you, and left in anger, frustration, defeat, and disgust.

In the case of #2 - the most difficult of the emotion classes for you to come back from - her emotion is relief, because she was bored / unchallenged / uninterested, and now at last she's free to go do what she wants without a boring / clingy / needy ball-and-chain around her ankle to hold her back and drag her down.

In #3 - significantly rarer than #s 1 or 2 - some life circumstance intervened to interrupt your relationship before it had run its course yet, and she looks back on it fondly wondering, "What if?" She wonders what might have been - had circumstances outside of either of your control not stepped in to nip your romance in the bud.

Here's all that in image form:

how to get your girlfriend back

In #s 1 and 3, she WANTS to be with you... but feels like she CAN'T be. In #1, she sees this as being your fault. In #3, she sees this as being outside either of your control.

Meanwhile in #2, she DOESN'T want to be with you... and is thrilled to at last be free.

You can get girlfriends back in any case... but you're going to have far more of an uphill battle to fight if it's #2. It's going to take longer, you're going to break your back to do it, and you may even find that by the time she wants you back, you no longer want her back.

But before we start talking about what precisely you'll be doing, let's talk first about what she's feeling a little more in-depth in each of these scenarios.


#1: Screw You, Jerk!

This is the classic case of auto-rejection... and it is, to-date, the one that all of my own personal experience getting girlfriends back stems from. You get this one when she wanted to be with you, but felt that she could not be because you would not give her what she wanted from you.

Usually, this means you become "the one that got away"... once her emotions cool off and she no longer views you angrily and resentfully, you become the one she ends up looking back on the most often with rose-colored glasses.

You were the man who stole a little piece of her heart, and never really gave it back.

The emotional phase following these relationships follow this arc:

  • The Rebound Phase: this is the phase in which your ex-girlfriend's damaged psyche and sense of self-esteem needs to heal itself by seeing her immersed in male attention and new lovers. Party girls party harder, girls who aren't usually party girls find themselves in party mode, and women go to bed with new men who can make them feel good about themselves more quickly here than at any other phase of any of their relationship cycles.

    This phase generally lasts anywhere from one quarter to one half of the length of time of your relationship, though can be longer in particularly short-but-impassioned relationships, or shorter in the case of relationships where she really does feel like she was "better" than you.

  • The Cool Off Phase: this is when she starts to mellow out and become a bit more reflective on you and your past relationship. She becomes able to see your advantages again, and isn't completely othering you as inhuman and unrelatable. Black and white thinking subsides, and she begins to remember what she liked about you. This is, actually, the worst phase of a category #1 girl to try and get her back during, because her emotions for you here are not very "hot" in any direction.

  • The Longing Phase: once she's fully cooled off from hating your guts and partly forgotten you for a while, she often starts to think of you wistfully again and long for you - especially if she hasn't met anyone in the meantime who has a more powerful emotional impact on her than you did, and sometimes even if she moves on and starts dating someone else, only to find that what she has with him doesn't measure up to what she had with you (or what she remembers having with you... the mind is a tricky thing). This is when she's most ripe for getting back together with you - it's when she's wishing the two of you had never parted ways, and realizing that, compared to all these other men, you're actually a hell of a catch.

You can get a former girlfriend back in any of these phases. I've historically taken girls back (when I used to do such things... I don't get back together with exes any longer) in the rebound phase.

But it's often not pretty before stage #3.

Much better to wait for the longing phase to kick in, if you want best results here... and provided you're okay with waiting, and are comfortable taking your chances that she won't find someone else and end up paired off more or less for good before then.

But then again, few men wanting their girlfriends back are prepared to wait and want to leave as little to chance as possible, even if on average it produces the best results... so this point might be a moot one.


#2: I'm Free!

Your dimmest prospects for getting a girlfriend back are here - when she's happy, relieved, and feeling free to be rid of you, and off in search of some new and exciting men elsewhere.

Your ex-girlfriend in this case is unlikely to spend much time reflecting on you or her relationship where boredom reigned supreme and she felt smothered and like the more dominant party - she's just glad she's free to seek a more appealing man now.

The range of emotions she'll go through following the breakup are:

  1. The Relief Phase: ahh, it's good to be free! She's finally unattached from that boring old ball-and-chain of a partner - the guy who really didn't do it for her anymore. Now she can do whatever she want! Girls will have a minor rebound phase here, but it's nothing like what the girl in the #1 case goes through. In the relief phase, she may hook up with a new guy or two (usually more exciting, manly men, whereas girls on the rebound often end up with nicer, sweeter guys who can tend to their emotional wounds), but she may just as well have girls' nights out with her friends and drink, relax, and let her hair down instead.

  2. The Move On Phase: her thoughts about you don't linger long, and she's back in the dating pool, looking for Mr. Exciting. She soon finds herself in a relationship - casual or otherwise - with a guy who gets her blood pumping a lot more than you used to. Now we're having fun!, she thinks.

  3. The Reflection Phase: if the series of partners and relationships she has following you fails to present any long-term candidates (or, the long-term candidates she wants fail to stick around and put her through the experiences of a #1 category girl), she may begin to reflect on you, and how nice, stable, safe, and reliable things were with you. Sure, you didn't exactly get her juices flowing... but doesn't every gal need a companion? Wounded by her lack of ability to rope the really exciting guys into committed relationships, she begins to realize that maybe, just maybe, you just might've been the guy for her.

Women won't always make it to stage 3 here - they may well meet the man of their dreams along the way during or after stage 2. But if they do make it to stage 3, this is when you usually have your best shot at winning them back.

Can you get an ex-girlfriend back in stage 1 if she's relieved to be rid of you? Possibly... but you're going to need to pull one hell of a reversal (and it's unlikely you will, in all fairness). We'll discuss your options a little later on down in this article, in case despite the odds you're ready to take on this rather daunting task.


#3: It's Too Soon!

Girls in this case are the easiest of all to get back - assuming you have a good reason for not being parted with them any longer (and it doesn't look like you're chasing them down or flip-flopping upon a decision you made earlier).

That's because girls in scenario #3 never really go through "stages" - instead, they simply lose a man they wanted to be with, wonder how things would've gone, and remain open to picking up things where they left off - if, that is, the stars align to bring the two of you back together again, of course.


how to get your girlfriend back

I'd imagine you know which of the three categories of emotion your relationship with your ex-girlfriend falls into above.

If not, here's the guide:

  • If she was very emotional with you and pushed for commitment and you said, "No," she's #1

  • If she was not very emotional with you and broke up in a largely calm (though sometimes annoyed) manner by telling you things weren't working out or she needed to think things over or needed some space or wanted to take a break or she just wasn't feeling "chemistry" or "a spark," she's #2

  • If the only reason the two of you broke up was because you were going to be apart for an extended period of time and you both agreed it wouldn't work that way, she's #3

#3 must be mutual.

#2 is almost always her call, while you say, "Wait, we can work it out!"

#1 can be either person's call, but it's chock full of angsty, negative emotions and cold, disgusted death stares / storming out / displays of feeling.

I assume if you weren't sure before, you know pretty well now which of the categories you fall into.

And now that you know that, let's talk about how to get your girlfriend back.

As we will see, each of the three categories has a corresponding solution, in terms of one specific thing you must give your ex that she was lacking from you before:

  • Commitment,

  • Excitement, or

  • The answer to an unanswered question.


How to Get Your Girlfriend Back When She Hates Your Guts

how to get your girlfriend backWhen a girl hates your guts and thinks you're a jerk, it's because she wanted to be with you, but eventually figured she could not be.

That's not to say you wouldn't have "stuck around"... it is to say you wouldn't have stuck around in the capacity she needed you to stick around in.

You may well have been perfectly happy having things stay the way they were.

But she wasn't.

She needed more. More from you.

And eventually she decided you couldn't or wouldn't deliver, and left.

The keys to getting her back are thus:

  1. You must engage with her in the rebound or longing phases. Her emotions for you are still running high in the rebound phase, and you can swing them back in your direction if you hit the right note. And in the longing phase, she already wants to be back together with you again anyway. Steer clear of the cool off phase though - she thinks well of you, but almost in a matronly, maternal way... not the same as sexual or romantic desire. That will return when she moves into longing, though, if she's already in cool off.

  2. You must stress your desire to commit. And you need to stress that this was your intention all along, and you just hadn't told her yet. Important: DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU DO NOT MEAN IT. It will be bad for you, and worse for her. If you don't want to offer her commitment, don't try to get back a girl who wants commitment with you. Instead, let her go - and find a girl more in line with your own goals. I'm warning you (from unfortunate experience) - this is ugly for both of you if you do it from the wrong place in your heart (fear of loss rather than desire to give her the progress or commitment she wants). Be honest with yourself and her about what you want - only pursue if both of your goals are in alignment. If they aren't, don't deepen the wound by getting her back only to have her leave again.

  3. You must continue to be the strong man she loved. Just because you're going to give her progress in the relationship, and probably pass a commitment point, that doesn't mean you become a big softie or a clingy emotional guy. Leave that aside and be a strong man - just with a touch more grudging openness to settling down. And, there are ways to do marriage in a strong, productive way - I have a post on it (having been married myself) on the discussion boards here.

The best recommendation for communicating what you need to communicate in this instance, assuming you don't run into her much socially, is writing a "farewell for now" style email to explain your position, to tell her:

  • You hadn't told her, but you'd been planning to get serious / commit / ask her to move in, whatever was the next logical step (don't say unless you mean it, though, because if you do get her back, it's put up or shut up time)

  • You're sorry things didn't work out

  • You know she's going to find someone absolutely fantastic, and you will always be her friend

The tone of the email is tragic, like a love lost. The objective is to show her that she was just about to get what she wanted when she gave up, threw the towel in, and stormed off (or you let her go).

Don't be overly melodramatic in the email... it's sad, it's a tragedy that we can't be together, but don't chase after her in it either, and say, "You can have this if we get back together"; instead, the tone is, "We were almost there... but it just didn't last."

The emotion you want her feeling is if she'd just held out a little longer, she would've had you. The emotion you're trying to inspire is the one you'd feel as if you'd been holding a stock for a couple of years, hoping it would go up a lot in value and you'd make a lot of money, and decided to give up on it and sell it at a loss... and then a few days later, the stock exploded in value and you realized if you'd only waited, you'd have had that fortune you'd been hoping for so long to get and gave up on in the eleventh hour.

The emotion is oh CRAP I'm an idiot!

Take your time to write and rewrite this... wording is key here. Word it wrong, and it sounds faked, or, worse, like you're pleading and offering her something only now that she's already left. It must be worded perfectly. I advise writing it, saving it, walking away, and then coming back and reading it again later and seeing what you think of it before sending it.

The reason you're going this route is because she left for want of being able to get what she wanted with you... and now you need to tell her she can have what she wants.

A written note is the best way for you to get everything you want to say out at once without her stopping you or breaking the mood (as she may in person or over the phone). However, if you're much better at speaking than you are at writing, you may do this in person as well.

I once planned out and spent an entire day to take a former partner of mine who'd parted ways with me and thoroughly detested me through my entire thought processes, why I was who I was, and why I couldn't give her what she wanted, and how I'd always cared about her but never wanted to hurt her, because I didn't want her to think ill of me or to have her powerful sense of self damaged from spending so long trying to get commitment out of me and failing. The result of this (very long) day of explanation of the fact that I did care about her, I simply had to do the things I had to do in life and that made it impossible for me to be the kind of man most women expect men to be in relationships, led to her warming right back up to me again (and her getting me back a week later, which was not my intention at all... I made my partings with exes a lot less dramatic after this to stop ex-girlfriends from trying too hard to get back together with me).

Again, and I can't say it enough, don't do this unless you mean what you're saying.

Otherwise, you and her both are going to end up very unhappy (and you'll be to blame).


How to Get Your Girlfriend Back When She Thinks You're a Bore

how to get your girlfriend backNow here's the opposite problem - what do you do when she finds you uninspiring and unexciting?

Most guys who lose a girl this way chase their women down and do things all wrong.

They figure if they just promise her commitment, she'll stick around.

But that's not it. She finds them boring and constricting. The last thing she wants is to be trapped with them for a lifetime.

The solution here is not promising progress and your undying love, as it is for the man whose woman's in auto-rejection. Instead, the solution is providing that element she was missing from her life with you all along: excitement.

Of course, that's easier said than done. The keys are:

  1. Get your fundamentals handled. Same thing you'll see everywhere else on this site: movement speed, posture, body language, walk, eye contact, facial expressions, facial hair, fashion, effort expenditure. General sexiness, a sexy vibe, and your "x-factor." Be smooth, be edgy, acquire some Byronic vulnerabilities and flaws, and create sexual tension. Become the man she dreamed about meeting when she left you. Will this take time? Yes. Is it necessary for getting her back in anything other than full-on stage 3 reflection (which she may never reach if another man scoops her up first)? Yes. The sooner you start turning yourself into the man she wants, the sooner you can be the man she wants - and get her back.

  2. Get preselection. She left because she doesn't think you're all that desirable or stimulating. But women are social creatures, and they care very much about the opinions of others... and as soon as she sees you with attractive new women, she'll start wondering if perhaps she was wrong. This one's incredibly important - you don't want to rub it in her face, but rather find ways for her to notice it completely on her own - you've just moved on, and beautiful women want you and are with you... and she's obviously passed up on something every other girl wants. Whoops. If you're on social media (e.g., Facebook), this is one of the times that medium comes in handy... suddenly pictures of you with beautiful women are going up, and she just can't help cyber stalking you, wondering who those girls are, and what their relation to you is.

  3. Let her see you as a new man. Whenever you find yourself in front of her or around her (assuming you have some social circle ties to her), you must let her see you as completely different from how she knew you before - the opposite, in many ways. Take anything she may have seen as "weak" about you and reverse it. If she was bored with you, constantly be doing exciting new things and pushing your boundaries (e.g., taking surfing / snowboarding / martial arts / skydiving / etc. lessons). If she thought you were too clingy, be completely nonchalant around her and don't care what she's doing or thinking or saying - not in a dismissive way, just in a polite, "Oh, that's nice," kind of way. You want her to see that you've reinvented yourself - and that she misjudged you the first time around.

  4. Be aloof and seem not to need her or care. Building on that last, you cannot chase! Your instinct may be to crawl on your knees, plead, and beg, but you will not get her back that way. Chances are, you were too clingy the first time around... it's a part of why she left in the first place. You don't get her back by giving her more of the same - you must communicate that things have changed with you.

What specifically do you do to show her you've changed?

I recommend giving her a little radio silence for a while, so that she doesn't get the feeling that you're chasing after her. Then, reemerge - as a completely different man.

Start inviting her to group activities where you're doing something fun and exciting - ideally, sometimes things she specifically mentioned liking herself, though not always. And make them with groups. Invite her as you would any other friend - no lovey-dovey language or special treatment. Treat her like a guy.

If you can stomach it, even tell her you want to introduce her to a friend of yours, and try to set her up with someone (you probably don't want to make it anyone close to you, just in case they do get together... no sense damaging a friendship of yours, too).

And make absolutely certain she sees you with other women.

The object here is not to care. To virtually be pushing her away from you... in the most friendly sort of way.

Don't talk much with her in person when you see her. Don't give her any satisfaction into HOW or WHY you've so radically transformed. Building a mystery around yourself is what you need most here - it's one of the things she was missing with you.

Make it so that the ONLY way she can think of to find out what's going on with you and what's brought about this change and whether or not it's for real is by asking you to lunch or dinner and asking to spend time with you alone, one-on-one. And even if you agree, and even if you meet up with her, still you must not give her too much satisfaction.

Make her chase you.

What if things haven't actually changed with you? Can you fake it until you make it?

I've advised too-nice / unexciting / clingy friends on getting back mates who've left them before - both male and female friends of mine, in fact. And I always caution them that these new changes you make MUST be FOREVER. You cannot think you're going to get left because your mate was too bored and turned off by the clinginess... and then you're just going to ACT exciting and carefree for a while, and get him or her back... and then, once you have your old partner back, things go right back to like they were before.

There must be a new paradigm. You must ACTUALLY BE more attractive, more exciting, more desirable, a new person, and genuinely less needy.

Otherwise, as soon as the sheen wears off and you go back to being the you of yore, she'll go back to doing what she did last time, too - and get bored and leave.

If you want to get her back and keep her, you must meet her needs.

No two ways about it.

So, either forget about this girl who doesn't find you satisfactory for her and find a new girl whose needs match who you already are and what you've already got... or turn yourself into the man of your ex-girlfriend's dreams.

The choice is yours. But you must choose.

And who knows... even if you choose reinvention, you may just meet another girl along the way you hit it off with even better.


How to Get a Girlfriend Back When Life Intervened

If the both of you left each other sadly but mutually, agreeing that the relationship could not continue on because life had intervened, it'll be relatively straightforward to get back together again, provided two things are the case:

  • The situation has naturally resolved or she's resolved it, and

  • She isn't otherwise engaged in a relationship she wants to remain in

how to get your girlfriend back

The rules are:

  1. You can't resolve the situation just to be with her. If, for instance, the two of you went away to different universities after high school, or you took a job in London while she stayed in New York (a la The Family Man), it's too much for you to suddenly switch jobs or schools to be with her. Even if you claim that isn't the reason... it's still transparent. And it looks weak and changeable - you decided something before, then completely uprooted your life after changing your mind to go be with her. You must not do this, even if you start thinking that maybe it'd have been better had the two of you stayed on. Women don't respect men who flip-flop. Ever.

  2. You must, then, prompt or let her resolve things, or wait for things to resolve naturally. If you had to leave town to go to school or work overseas, then return back home later on and she's still there, that's a natural resolution. Or, if you start talking to her via phone or email, and the feel is good and she starts talking about moving to where you are, tell her to come, and let her come to you. Or if she suddenly tells you she's moving to where you are, take that as a clear indication she's (probably) in pursuit - and be there to welcome her to town.

  3. You must be curious about starting back up with her. When the two of you explore getting together again, be thoughtful and warm but relatively nonplussed about it. Treat like a "good idea," and one that you like, but don't gush... gushing is not especially attractive in men. Give her just enough that she feels excited about moving ahead with things, but not so much that she starts to wonder if you "got desperate" while apart.

The way you want things to progress here is "natural life obstacle naturally resolved, and two partners curious about being together again calmly but curiously starting up once more." Once you're back together with her, of course, you can give her some passionate nights in bed, but stay calm afterward. Once the effect of being back together again wears off, you'll be glad you didn't lose your head earlier on.


how to get your girlfriend back

The one case where you need to be extremely certain and extremely careful - and the one I'm telling you you'd better not take lightly and you'd better act responsibly with - is the case of girl #1: the girl who thinks you're a jerk.

It's not easy for a woman to leave a man she has powerful emotions for, and it's usually a very painful process. If you've already put her through that once, DO NOT take her back unless you're certain you will not put her through it again. Don't waste more of her time unless you're prepared to give her exactly what she wants - which, almost without fail, is some combination of commitment, marriage, and/or kids.

If it's scenarios #2 or #3, you don't have these same kinds of emotions riding on things, and can take it a little easier. In fact, if you don't even want a serious relationship at all with a girl #2, I think you're fine to skip it. She was bored when she left you, and thinks you're exciting and is getting back with you - she isn't thinking commitment just yet. You want "commitment" to be the furthest thing she thinks you want, actually. Let her chase for a change.


The Final Consideration

how to get your girlfriend backThere's one other consideration to think on aside from your effects on her life and mental and emotional health by getting back together with her, however.

And that consideration is the effects on you of this.

Do you really want an ex-girlfriend back?

I'm not asking whether or not you "need" her; when you're emotionally distraught and you feel like women are scarce resources and you think your one girl is the only special girl in the world like her, of course you feel like you need her.

But if you're thinking that way, your thinking is flawed, clouded by emotion and focused on the short-term and the details, instead of the long-term and the big picture.

And the big picture in the long-term is, by reinventing yourself - as you'll need to do for most of these - you become more attractive to other women, and better able to get both greater quantities and better qualities of women in your life.

You become able to not chase, but replace.

When you get your girlfriend back, it's never the same as the first time around, because there is always a sense that she has left you to find something better, and not found it. She's back with you again because she's settling for the best she can get - you.

You're Mr. Right no longer - now merely Mr. Good Enough.

And that might be fine for you. You might not need more than that.

But I challenge you to do better. I challenge you to move on, forget about your ex-girlfriend, and start upgrading your skills with women in general.

That will take some time. And you'll likely spend a while going through a series of women who don't seem to measure up to your ex while you refine your abilities.

But someday, if you keep at it, in the not so distant future, you will reach a point where you realize that you can pretty consistently bring a caliber of women into your life that meet or exceed the caliber of your ex you're wishing back... and best of all, these girls aren't "settling" to be with you.

They're with you because you're what they want. You're still "Mr. Right" for them.

Before you begin constructing your elaborate scheme to get your ex-girlfriend back, take a moment and think on whether that might not be time better spent on turning yourself into a man who can get and hang onto women just like her on command instead.

Whichever path you choose, though, do it well, and stick to the plan, and I dare say you'll almost certainly be fine in the end - whether you end up back with her, or you end up with somebody better.

Oh, and don't go getting back girlfriends you can't deliver the goods for - there are too many other women out there who'll be happy being with you without commitment for you to go derailing some poor girl's life out of fear of loss or blind neediness. If you really care about a girl you can't give what's desired to, let her be free to live her life and chase down her dreams. You'll be doing her better than almost any other man in her life will ever be willing to do.

Yours,
Chase Amante

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Comments

Draco's picture

Here is a question. What if


Here is a question. What if you don't want an ex "back" but would just like to remain friends with her and on good terms, say, because she is part of your social circle or you value something only the two of you did together...do you think trying to do this is a good idea or should it just be left alone? How would you go about doing it if things are either awkward or bad between you?

Chase Amante's picture

Having an Ex as Just Friends

Author

Draco-

Somewhat dicey situation, though if she's very sexually experienced and you are, and there's no risk of either of you getting the wrong idea / emotional / clingy, it can be okay. I've seen it a few times, although it's rare. Works best when it was a short, not very passionate relationship where things ended peacefully with both partners agreeing to end it calmly (i.e., nobody fighting to save the relationship, big dramatic displays, etc.).

If you're going to pursue a just friends relationship with her, you would go about it the same way as regenerating attraction here, yes, although you'd stop short of driving TOO much attraction, or inviting her out to one-on-one scenarios (just too many ways that can be misinterpreted or not go as planned).

Chase

Damian's picture

About wanting to have her back or not


I was trying to get my ex back since a few months ago, but now she hit it off with some guy (someone from one of my circles, not a friend tough).

And I don't exactly feel I want her to be back. Thinking about her objectively, I would like other kind of girl. But I feel I "lost" to this guy.

I guess that feeling is common and it's a principal cause of the obsession. Feeling you lost to either to some guy, or just to the possibility of knowing someone new.

I know I could get better women if i made the effort, and I'm slowly going in that way, but the that losing feeling is very depressing and it doesn't let me progress faster.

I feel like I would like to appear suddenly as a new man, give the impression of being a true man, get back the "respect" I used to get from her the first year of the relationship, and then just leave, to get a better woman.

Any ideas how to take on that practically?

Chase Amante's picture

The Feeling of Having Lost

Author

Damian-

Yes, that's pretty common. My first big relationship, I had that feeling when I found out my ex had started seeing someone else and was treating me dismissively when I tried getting things going again. I don't think it's really "losing" unless she was clearly bored with you / unemotional, and ran off for a more exciting guy. In that case, it's "losing," the way most guys think of it - she thinks another man is a manlier man than you are. The rest of the time, it's auto-rejection, where she's running off because she feels like she can't have you.

Trying to regain her interest and respect I understand; I almost feel like you need to go through that once or twice with girls, until you realize that you have the ability to do it where needed and you stop caring about it with future girlfriends. In that case, you'd follow the same process as in the articles; depending on how the breakup went, you'll need to play it a bit differently. If she's in your circle, that makes it easiest.

Don't waste too much time trying to re-interest someone you want to regain the respect of. While you're focused on her, she's focused on somebody else, bear in mind. There may well be other attractive women focused on you that you're ignoring while focusing on someone who's not paying you much heed... don't get so caught up trying to reclaim the past that you ignore the future, in other words.

Chase

Damian's picture

Thanks for the advice, she


Thanks for the advice, she was indeed "bored", sort of. I was very needy and very jealous, and that drove her away.
I have decided to get a girl who is better for me. She seems to be very happy with this new guy, so it's a lost cause. I know I should not waste any more mental energy on her. I'll keep trying not to.

PD: Keep up the good work on the site!

Zac's picture

stay longer,


Chase,

You told me about how your boss brings work first thing in the morning. I see where you coming from, and some of the experiences of me, being handed more work, and i don't do them, really, just reasonable enough, when it gets more, and also the other time about women and galliant effect, and women attack me. Today I do have problems at work at times, i need to address, like how i caught my supervisor, a hotbabe, checking me out. and went auto rejection because i never address a question she ask about something, i haven't decide an answer yet. Your advice on women higher than you at work, will be needed to put to work. :D and plus women attack me and how girls show interest due to my newfound built girlschase fundamentals,

So yea, I usually stayed if i don't get things done or i'm late because i am "that way", and i make up for it much of the time, but i realize that in business world, people do get calculative. I am not saying i am generous, there are some things i do, that i won't say, and i'm not proud. Saying i am working on it, only makes people believe something i don't believe myself. and i try to make up for it, but i realize some management really are, indeed, stingy. and office politics, (I hope you get an article on how to handle management! Office politics)

Anyway,You basically put all the fundamentals aspect so well here. I hope you do check the discussion our members and myself had about quite awhile ago, Nothing special there, it's just on some technical aspects. and it is not too detail, and if you do have something to note, pls do. :)

Vin Dicarlo partner, i can't remember his name, just made a product, "Relationship Rewind". I have not read that nor find anything yet. I'm sure you know him and maybe know about the product?

Zac

Chase Amante's picture

Office Politics

Author

Zac-

Noted on office politics. That'd be a fun diversion to write... a bit outside the usual scope, but I'll put it on the list.

I'm biting off pieces of the boards a little at a time, although just took a look and didn't see the post you're referring to here on fundamentals - can you post a link and I'll check it out?

I know Vin, of course. Relationship Rewind... can't say I'm familiar with it. Catchy name. A quick Google search only shows affiliate "reviews" that are casting the program in a favorable light and prompting you to click their links. Hard to tell from those. I'm a little skeptical about claims of making your relationship "just like it was in the beginning," because while you can add in novelty and self-expansion - and these do help; the healthiest, happiest couples have frequent doses of adventure and novelty in their relationships - you simply can't recreate the discovery period of finding a new person you know nothing about, filled with potential, with the same partner you've had for years. For that, you need a new partner altogether.

Chase

Zac's picture

Getting Girls Back Old post.


I actually did, and it noted spam. i remove the link.

the post is on getting girls back though. The title it is "Getting Girls Back". Would be hard to look for it, it's an old post. It's not fundamentals actually, i was refering to the article you wrote, the fundamentals you put, of getting girls back in this article.

A great article you write here. Very align.

Zac

Kvothe's picture

Chase, Amazing article as


Chase,
Amazing article as always. Completely pinpointed every part of getting a girlfriend back. I love the marriage post you linked to this. It makes perfect sense. Also, all this leads me to wonder, have you ever read The Name of the Wind, by Patrick Rothfuss? I doubt you have enough free time on your hands for casual reading, but the more and more I read your articles, the more and more you remind me of the main character. It's uncanny really. Even your writing is like the dialogue in the book :p
Check it out if you've got the time,

Kvothe

Chase Amante's picture

Name of the Wind

Author

Kvothe-

Glad you found the article and the link on marriage helpful. Name of the Wind, no... hadn't heard of it. Wikipedia tells me it's a 2007 fantasy novel written by a guy over 7 years... that's a long time to write a book! I noticed you took your username from an element of the story.

I have a background in science fiction / horror - I have a space horror novella out under another name and a few other minor published works; several first drafts of novels as well (a space opera, a post-apocalypse scenario, etc.). All that's on the back burner; every now and then I'll take a week off and crank out a novella, but I don't have much time for fiction these days. I'm sure my experience there influenced my writing here... my influence is more Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft than anything from the fantasy world, but you'll find many fantasy and scifi writers alike have read volumes of those two authors, so that might account for some of the similarities.

Chase

Kvothe's picture

That makes sense; a lot of


That makes sense; a lot of authors do draw their influences from a small group of good books. Also... A space horror novella? That seems kind of interesting. Would you mind telling me the name? If it's even half as good as the writing in here I would love to take a look at it.

Thanks,

Kvothe

Wes's picture

Thankyou Chase for being able


Thankyou Chase for being able to put this article together. Very helpful. Since, I don't want a girlfriend in my life right now, i've been wondering how to get real, close and loyal friends. Do you have really good friends? I know there's a post on female friends (haven't gotten to read yet) and getting along with guys but is there, perhaps any on screening and finding friends? what do you screen for besides loyalty? I've lost a lot of friends in my life. i also never seem to get a strong foundation..

Chase Amante's picture

Making Friends

Author

Wes-

Good friends is a good goal. Harder for men than women, actually - men tend to have broader, shallower networks of friends, while women tend more toward fewer, deeper connections.

I have an article up on friend making here that should be of some help:

How to Make Friends? The Master Key to New Friendships

Personally, I tend to look for ambition, drivenness, and excellence; more recently I've also started looking for constancy and steadiness. Typically, you want to look for qualities that complement your own qualities, qualities that can act as supports or amplifiers to your own, and people whom you can learn from (and of course, people will only really be friends with you if they feel like your qualities complement and support their own and if they can learn or gain some other value out of friendship with you, too).

Chase

Wes's picture

thanks!


Man, I really appreciate it. I've improved so much thanks to you and Ricardus and this awesome site. I've overcome depression and life is overall better despite the bad. thanks for everything.

Wes's picture

...or I always feel like more


...or I always feel like more of the sidekick being dragged around. sometimes even the leader doing the dragging. Also could you make a post on networrking/making connections, possibly? -Wes

Chase Amante's picture

Networking / Connections

Author

Wes-

Check out the article linked to above - I'm betting that does the trick.

Chase

Alvin's picture

3 stages


Hey Chase,

Excellent article, hopefully will be a lot of help!

Just a couple of questions, how can you gauge what stage a woman is at and what would you do if you make your move too early.

Thanks once again for some fantastic writing, should aid in my current situation.

Regards,

Alvin

Chase Amante's picture

Knowing What Stage She's At

Author

Alvin-

I'm guessing you mean gauging where she's at pre-breakup, correct? If you mean post-breakup, check out the quick guide just under the big subheading "Getting Your Girlfriend Back" - that tells you there on that one.

If you're trying to tell pre-breakup, you can see this by her behavior. If it's a bored / dismissive / she doesn't have much time for you, not because she hates you, but just because she's kinda busy style of treatment, she's a #2. If she's routinely giving you the death stare or the cold shoulder, she's #1. If she's sad because it's tragic your relationship will soon end, it's #3.

Chase

Rico Suave's picture

Do you loose your female friend if you reject her sexually?


Hey Chase
What happens when your female friend is interested sexually in you but you just tell her you wanna be only her friend? (sounds familiar to us guys the other way around)

If you reject her sexually, is the friendship lost?

I recall a girl that I met that was truly interested in her ony as a friend for the many things we had in common, but she was swxually driven and I banged her for some months, letting her know that if we were about to stop having sex our friendhip would continue untainted. However as we stopped banging her interest as a friend dropped to the minimum and I stopped calling her because I felt she was doing me a favor when we were talking over the phone.

On the same hand: What happens when you have met a woman that you like only as a friend (no sex attached) but she has other plans with you romantically or friendship with benefits? How can you keep her as a friend without hurting her?

Has this ever happened to you? Like to hear your thoughts.
My best to you
Rico Suave

Chase Amante's picture

Female Friends Who Want You

Author

Rico-

You can absolutely be friends with women you have sexual interest and intrigue with - in fact, I recommend this. I even have a full article on it that went up recently here:

How to Make and Find Female Friends

What you DON'T want to do, unless she gets super aggressive, is tell her you want to "just be friends." This usually isn't necessary, as most women aren't going to take much initiative. This doesn't carry the moral implications of stringing her along that women do with men they want just as friends, either, because women get approached by men who are interested, and even if she really likes you, she simply won't wait around for you for all that long if nothing's happening. She'll simply assume you aren't all that interested and she'll get together with someone else.

With the girl you started sleeping with - yeah, that's the problem with introducing sex into your friendships. Sometimes it works out okay, but usually only if BOTH of you are very sexually driven, neither of you get too attached, and the sexual relationship doesn't go on for too long (e.g., one drunken hookup, say, or hooking up a few times and then no more). If it goes on for a while, people get attached, emotions get involved, and then if you try taking that away they resent it.

If you want her as a friend, it's usually better to not sleep with her. It keeps things more interesting, anyway - then she's always wondering, "What if?"

Chase

Rick's picture

Thanks!


Chase, this is the first article of yours i read and i have been completely amazed: thank you. I dated this girl a few months. i wasnt so sure about her during our relstionship so i just didnt pay a lot of attention: no plans, no calls, few messages, few sex. She was chasing me all the time. I had some excuses such as pretty hsrd exams and a hell lot of work to do. One day she breaks up with me. Two days later i come to her trying to get her back. Nothing. Few more days later i escalated the tone: brought flowers, love letters, presents, told her i was in love with her. But nothing. Afterwards i learned she met a guys and became his girlfriend within a few weeks only. Now two months have passed and she still has this boyfriend. When she started dsting him, i told her to her fsce that she didnt like the guy more thsn me, and she agreed. But i feel thst i did so much stuff and she didnt respond to it at all. The other day i accidenally ran into her and she was very conversational, al,ost feeling as if she didnt want me to go. But nothingg more than friendly conversation of course. Do you think i still have chances with her? Already told her in person thst i was about to ask her to be my girlfriend when she broke up with me. Any thoughts?

Chase Amante's picture

Ex-Girlfriend

Author

Rick-

You set some bad precedent by chasing after her so hard - the communication she received is essentially, "I'm yours - I will do what you want." In my experience, girls tend to treat guys like this very well, because they want to hang onto them and keep them on the back burner in case they need to tap them later. e.g., I've had girlfriends who were very nice to their exes and treated those exes as good friends in case they ended up in a position later where they couldn't find a man they liked better and had to go back to them, or in case they needed some help or support later on down the line, and that ex could provide it.

If you want this girl back, I suggest you follow the outline for the #2 scenario above - you'll need to reset her interest in you as a sexual man, rather than as a good guy to have on the back burner just in case. You're fighting an uphill battle because of the precedent set and because she's in a relationship now and all you have to go off of was that she was nice to you on a single occasion (and that can mean a LOT of different things), but... stranger things have happened!

Of course, the best thing to do for yourself is to realize that you only got as interested in her as you did because she went away. Once you got her back, after the sheen of having gotten her back wears off, you'd be back to feeling the same way about her you originally did. My best suggestion for you is to go find a girl you really like IMMEDIATELY, and date THAT girl, rather than "the one that got away" that you really weren't even sure you wanted all that much in the beginning.

Chase

Johnny wakler's picture

Hey Chase, My ex and I just


Hey Chase,
My ex and I just broke up after a 6 month relationship, everything was great but I do believe what happen to me is #2, I stopped exciting her and she even hinted that the progress in the relationship stopped and she got bored, I tried to be very outgoing and fun at the end but it was too little too late, so she broke up with me, but unlike my last relationship, I decided to not be too emotional, and do the opposite of my instinct, I told her if she wasn't happy we SHOULD breakup and kept telling her she did the right thing (we were on a trip in paris when we talked about it and decided to breakup), I told her that I too see that we are in different places in life (she's 19 im 28) and that it's not working, but inside of course I felt bad because we had a good relationship and never really fought.
anyway, she had a guy "friend" while we were dating, she only hung out with him in groups but I could tell right away that she kinda had a thing for him, and as soon as it was a done deal that he would be there when we broke up she made the move,
she started going out with him right after we broke up (a week later), we only spoke through a mutual friend twice for strictly logistic purposes (she owed me money), but other then that I didn't call, txt, or make any kind of communication towards her or through her friends, in fact, she asked about me and all my friends are saying im doing great.

anyway, I wondered if there is a chance that she will call after stage #1 and #2 is over, I know this guy is just a rebound because the only thing about him that she likes is that he's more outgoing, other then that she always said he's just a kid (18), is the opposite political then her (she is very right wing, he is left, and she is very political in nature), so im 95% sure its gonna fail very quickly.

anyway sort for the long post, I have been working on myself, avoiding getting depressed by avoiding sad music, movies and sleeping in, ive been going out a lot with friends (and new lady friends) and renewing side hobbies (I run a website and DJ at weddings as a hobby), I also have been keeping myself looking good and did a teeth whitening treatment.
its hard but im doing exactly the opposite of what my emotions are telling me to do.

I've been on this site for years and love your articles, they have made me such a better man.
ANYWAY, long story short, is there a chance that she will try to call/txt/msg me assuming she get to stage #3? and if so should I get back with her or is it really a waste of time since she is so young?

Chase Amante's picture

Will She Get Back in Touch?

Author

Johnny-

It sounds like you ended things very well and you've run things well afterward. I can't tell you for sure she'll get in touch with you again, but you're probably in a better position than a lot of guys for hearing from her a little later on down the line. Her age is one thing that throws a little more uncertainty into the mix than is usual: on the plus side, because she's so young, she's not going to get into many very serious relationships now, most likely, which means she'll have plenty of time to contact you again in between relationships and get something going again; on the minus side, because she's so young, she's at the peak of her attractiveness and isn't going to be wanting for suitors. If she's getting attractive men talking to her and hitting on her and asking her out and dating her, it may be years before she drops you a line again to see what's going on with you.

If you get back together with her, things might be a bit different, because she'll likely be a bit older and a bit more experienced with men when you do, so she'll have different expectations coming in, dependent on the kind of men she dates. If the other men she dates don't measure up favorably to you, you'll be the one she realizes she should've stayed with from the beginning, and she'll cut you some slack. But chances are, if she got bored the first time, she'll get bored the second time, unless she really mellows out over the years. Your best bet is finding a girl who's happy with your pace of doing things, that you don't have to push yourself to be "go go go" for if that isn't your natural or preferred way of being.

Chase

longerjt's picture

Thanks for Responding to My Request!


Chase I want to thank you for responding to my request on this subject. It has been extremely helpful. Extremely!

From what I can gather, I unfortunately find myself in the #2 situation. I think it was complicated by the fact my girlfriend and I are both married. I think that may lower the threshold for what constitutes bored for her. After all it is all about excitement in an affair.

What I am really struggling with is your piece on not chasing seems to focus on the case prior to sex. So how do you not chase a woman you have had a significant history and slept with? Do you cut all communication? For how long? If not, what do you do? Any guiding principles?

Second, she is texting me but only sporadic and not about meeting. She is non-committal but I haven't pushed her. Especially after she flaked on me before (see Next Steps post in Discussion board under Relationships) How hard should I push?

Thanks again for the follow-up!

JT

Chase Amante's picture

Getting Her Back

Author

JT-

Just checked out your thread on the boards (here); looks like she's now texting you and wants to meet up - that's great progress! I'm glad this article/response was helpful.

If she's putting the plan together, that's what you want. Let her handle as many of the details as possible... the more she's handling the details, the more she's the one doing the investment and the work to make it happen, and the more it'll feel like she's pursuing you.

When you get together, the focus needs to be on providing her an amazing time, without any pressure on getting more serious. If you keep providing her a wonderful time, she'll keep wanting to be with you, and the better a time you provide her, the more she'll want to be with you. I've had very in-demand girlfriends who'd tell me they didn't want a relationship that I've said, "That's cool with me!" to, and just kept giving them amazing sex and an amazing experience every time I saw them... and then they'd just ask to see me more and more. Eventually they start getting soft and affectionate and probing and pushing for a relationship... and meanwhile, you just keep shrugging - "Sure, whatever" - and providing great experiences while doing no pushing for a relationship yourself, and being happy to walk away from it whenever she asks or threatens or tests. It's a sort of long vetting process, usually by women who are ambitious / have a lot going on in their lives and can't stand to have a man around them with one ounce of clinginess. When they become convinced they've finally found him though, they melt a bit (though never quite as much as most women do).

Chase

Roy's picture

Help!


I want to thank Chase and the others posting to this site. It helps to know that I am not alone and that their MIGHT be some hope in getting my girlfriend back. I would really appreciate any and all advice as this has been the most difficult thing I've had to endure in my whole life. Two years ago, I met the woman of my dreams. Unfortunately we were both married. We developed an incredible and amazing relationship built on respect, trust, intimacy and a deep personal commitment and love. We talked of our life together. Of children and travel. Of our house and a path forward to get there. We committed that we are both in this together. Two months ago I finalized my divorce. My ex-wife interfered in our relationship and since that time my girlfriend has been aloof and emotionally vacant without any explanation. She does have a young daughter. When I couldn't take it any longer I drafted a six page letter letting her know how much I care, that I would be there if she were once again ready to commit but that I had to let her go. It has been nearly a month and I have been doing my best to maintain NC. Recently she has called and emailed a couple of times. To this point I have remained removed although it is very very difficult. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her but need to recognize that this may never happen. I want her back and want her for life. I know she felt this way also so very recently.

James Rhodes's picture

Is it worth the chase?


So me and my girlfriend just broke up a week ago after 2 years, she said she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and she hasn't had a real chance to be single for too long, I've already thought about it and I was definitely a #2, I used to be a fun relaxed guy but after thinking about it the past few months I was a real bore and extremely clingy- I'm going to try to follow this guide but I think I may have already thrown it all away, like the idiot I am I already begged for her back- so I guess the question is, is it worth giving a girl time when you've already mucked up the first part and begged her to come back?

longerjt's picture

Don't Chase!


In addition to following this, you need to review Chase's postings on not chasing (if you haven't read it read), "Keeping Your Cool: Don't Chase Women" and "Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work and Why Persistence Does". I would recommend also the one on the "The 2 Year Drop" as it might apply here.

I have to tell you based on my learnings in applying these you need to be ruthless in not contacting and giving space. That is what makes her see you are becoming scarce and will cause a reconsidering of her position. My thread on the discussion board and under Relationships where Chase, Zac and Franco helped me might be of interest (Next Steps). Certainly a different situation but some of the tactics might be the same.

Good luck!

barisic's picture

30th Birthday


Hi Chase,

I really wish I would have come across this website earlier. I have what I think is a #1 auto-rejection situation but has elements of #2. We REALLY hit it off when we first starting dating and dated for 1-1/2 years. I loved her very much but she treated me impossibly well to the point where I honestly had trouble accepting it - she avoided arguments with me like the plague. After a point we went through a period where we were both very busy with work. We weren't able to see each other very often and ended up arguing on a date. I took too long to apologize and she stopped returning my calls. She sent me a text one day saying I need to take time to make up my mind about getting serious, but she refused to have a conversation about it. I panicked from her continued lack of response and unintentionally emailed a few asshole comments. Seeking redemption/closure, I chased her for two weeks until she obviously told me she was done. I waited a few weeks for my emotions to settle and sent a hand written apology/love letter. I came across your website the week afterwards and soon followed up with a "farewell for now" email.

It's only been a week since that email but for over six weeks she hasn't responded to anything at all. I could see on social media that the "ffn" email had an effect, however. I don't believe she's seeing anyone new but she is very ready for a committed relationship and her 30th birthday is next month. This made me very hesitant to wait it out. Given my actions, I also felt like my apology needed to be way sooner than stage #3. I understand the relationship imbalance and the fact she did not want to talk about it probably bides poorly for a more serious relationship. Still, did I further mess things up by only giving a few weeks between the breakup and the "farewell for now email"? Assuming I'm still interested, how long should I wait before contacting her again?

Thanks for your advice!

Andrew

Chase Amante's picture

When to Follow Up

Author

Andrew-

Yes, that's a #1 auto-rejection-type situation. She wanted commitment, gave up on the prospect of ever getting it from you, and cut you off to go find someone who'd give it to her.

A farewell for now letter you don't want to send until things have really calmed down and emotions have settled, otherwise it looks like just another attempt to get a rise out of her. The challenge here is that you've blown up at her, chased her and apologized, and then said farewell, and all in relatively quick succession, so she's going to expect that anything you do to contact her from here on out is just another ploy to try and beg her to come back.

What you really need now is some way to communicate with her that you are sadly but diligently in the moving on process. If you're on social media, maybe a photo album titled "Moving On" with some note about it being sad that we have to do it, but life must go on, and photos of you out drinking with your buddies, some with you looking a little sad, some laughing, and then a few of you talking to pretty girls.

The issue is that right now, because she feels like you're chasing her and just trying to get her back, she feels zero risk of losing you. So she can shift you to the back seat while she takes time to explore her other options (other men). You could also do this if you meet her in social circle situations, but social media gives you perhaps a better canvas to paint the picture you want to paint.

If you can create the feeling that a) you would've rather been with her, but b) you're accepting her decision and moving on with other women (and she's about to lose you possibly for good), in a way that SHOWS her rather than TELLS her (i.e., words are worthless), you may be able to get her chasing again.

Chase

Christopher's picture

Unresolved feelings/Sex with Ex.


Chase,

Is there really a thing as closure and moving forward with an ex part of your life than is more than a memory?

I still share a strong connection with me ex after 1 year apart. I am 4 years older and really went to work on understanding myself, applying myself to daily personal growth, and my career, fitness, and overall well-being are miles ahead of where I was when we broke up.

She knows this and will still reach out to me if I pull away. Last month she sent me a pic of her wearing my favorite dress on her. A few days later...one of her sunbathing. This is a girl I was with for 2 years and she is still interested and so am I.

I feel like right now there is some definite push pull going on. I know she wants to see me but as I am her ex there is some social constraints on how we can see each other. She asked me out last week and I was sick with the flu, only to go cold again when I tried to set up another date.

Thanks to putting what I have learned from this site into practice I am starting to see some results and sleeping with more women. None of them provide the spark and connection I have with her but I know someday I will find one that does.

Until then, I would love to get some closure on a few things with my ex if we are still going to stay in touch. I am tired of the games and desire a deeper connection and I don't want to feel like a stranger.

Do you have any advice on breaking down those walls and getting her to see me for who I am today...not who I was?

I want to use my communication to set up dates to see her but that is proving difficult.

She also has a major fear of rejection and I don't know if I'm chasing by asking or letting her go by waiting for her to come around.

Stpeter182's picture

Getting my girlfriend back


I just break up with my girlfriend on Saturday and I know why we break up it because we never had time to hangout on are own as she works all hours and she want to break up I agree with her but really want to work thing out and see each other more, but she said she want to be friends and hangout more and see if we end up back together, we had been together one year and seven month pls help I love her and want her back, she say she loves me but does know if it as a friend or a boyfriend anymore

Anonymous's picture

Which Phase?


Great article Chase,

My girlfriend and I broke up after dating for 1.5 years, shortly after getting back from a 6 week holiday to Europe. The reason we broke up was essentially because I got so comfortable in our relationship, and really didn't think she was going anywhere I started acting like a douche sometimes towards her. She warned me she didn't like it but that still didn't stop me - she was just so in love with me I thought I could test the boundaries a bit. Next thing I know after being back from our holiday for a week, she broke it off with me.

A few days later, she sent me a few 'being pissed off at me' etc. So she thinks I'm a jerk , #1.

I sent her a letter apologizing a few days later. We meet, hang out the whole day, says she'll 'be wrong not to give me another chance'. We decide a month of space and we will see after that. After that, once a wk she finds any silly way to contact me, which I politely told her that this isn't the space she/we agreed on. After 6 weeks of space, I sent her a letter, flowers and a massage in an attempt to get her back. We don't run in the same social circles (we've seen each other for about 2 mins in a club in 3 months), so i thought this was the best method. 2 days later she sends me a letter saying she doesn't feel the same way anymore and can't change how she feels, but said I was 'a great boyfriend', she's 'so sorry that this ever happened' and she 'wants me to be happy'. I'm guessing this is her in the 'cooling off phase'?

A few days after her letter, I sent her another letter accepting what she said, not blaming anyone for the way she feels. And that i'm disappointed that we can talk about our holiday at all. I ended the letter by saying, 'do me one thing and never be with anyone who won't make you their priority, spoil you, surprise you' etc, etc. Then saying 'goodbye for now'. (I did this before I read your article).

How do I know when/if she reaches the longing phase if we still don't have contact with each other? It's been just over 3 months apart, and I'm really starting to struggle. I hope my last letter has a lasting effect on her, but I really can't tell. Help?

MJK's picture

Reality Bites


Hi Chase,

Like many others have commented on here - thank you for the excellent advice.

Men often don't express their emotions in the same way as women when it comes to relationships so this forum is valuable.

My advice to many on this thread, women rarely make snap decisions like men do when comes to ending a relationship they have considered and thought about it well in advance. They will often demonstrate cues to their partner that they are unhappy in the hope that he notices.

My experience is that once a woman makes her mind to move on - she rarely changes it. However this isn't to say all hope is lost.

My partner recently ended a long term relationship with me. She loved me very much but I didn't truly recognise this perhaps I waiting for something better to come along? in reality she was right in front of me. I didn't show her anything like the affection she needed as woman.

To be fair I have no complaints over her decision. She now acts like a stranger. Like I never knew her. She has now started a relationship with another man who does show her affection. It really didn't take too much for him to win her heart.

I did all the things you THINK you should do. Bought her presents texted her repeatedly expressing how much I had changed and the love I have for her. The reality is that this pushes a woman away, she will lack respect for you and feel sorry for you. Traits which are not attractive to any woman.

As hard as it is, you must think counter intuitively if you are to win your woman back. This takes time and patience with a touch of persistence and guts.

Accept that she has gone. Accept that she will more than likely date other men. Accept that she may begin another relationship with a man. If you can accept all of these things and you still feel that she is worth it, only then can you win her back.

Remember she was attracted to once, she can be again. Remember the traits that you originally showed. Be the man that you should have been.

You catch more bees with honey than vinegar. So remain her friend tell her that you will always remember the times you shared and you are proud of the woman she has become. Respect her decision and tell her that you have learned from it, that your times together have made you a better man.

Keep contact to a minimum just enough to linger in her mind. Do not call/text often, in some cases delete her number altogether. In some instances you will watch from afar as she starts a new relationship with another man. This can be crushing - find courage. Do not criticise him in fact agree what a good guy he is with her, even though you are in agony inside.

All these traits will demonstrate to her that you are a mature and strong man, the kind of stuff woman desire. And maybe in time she will start to compare you against her current man and realise that the grass wasn't greener, that you are the man that stands out from the crowd.

Remember that while you are doing this your life doesn't stop. This cannot descend into obsession which is not healthy. What is good for her is also good for you. Get out there and have fun. Date a woman even though you will constantly compare to the one you lost. That is human nature. But who knows what life may bring?

Sometimes you have to accept that they are gone. As hard as it feels. As much as you have learned. As much as you want to tell them how you have changed, you must accept that your love is lost and focus your love on one who wants it.

My advice to all. Hang on tightly - let go lightly.

Marcus

FM's picture

"Help" posted by Roy


I couldn't help but noticed that you haven't replied to Roy's post titled 'Help'. I'd also be interested in what you might have to say about his situation.
Thanks,
FM

Anonymous's picture

Ex gf


Hi,

Here is my situation. My living gf of 5yrs left me about a week ago saying she doesnt feel secure in the relationship, a week prior we had an argument and she asked why I hadnt proposed yet, she said she felt like she loved me more than I loved her. She also said she has been ready to marry me for long. I thought that was the main reason why she left, but then as she was leaving she started to mention some other issues that I had no idea existed, like im stressed out because of money, you are not finding a job ( we worked together ), You have a problem with me doing stuff with my friends ( which is not true whatssoever). So I dont know if she is just saying that because she was mad or what. A week after the break up I called to talk and she said she wasnt ready to talk about it and thet she thinks that we are meant to be together. So now I am very confused, because her issue was that she thought Id never marry her and sha said just a week earlier she has been wanting to marry me for a long time, but now she thinks we are not meant to e together? I dont know what to do. Is this a #1 case?

B.W.'s picture

Where do I stand Chase?


Chase I read your article and I must say I feel like I learned a lot from it. My problem is I have no idea where I really stand and if I do even have a chance. My GF broke up with me near the end of April stating she feels we will be better as friends. I moved out the beginning of May. When she broke up with me she wanted us to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to where I had my place she had hers and we would come see each other and hangout from time to time. As time went on I catered to her (I know I shouldn't of but I wanted her back!) I really though things were going great I really thought we were making progress on rekindling our relationship and work on getting back to together since we were spending time together doing things together and just enjoying our company. Well a few days ago it all stopped and she went back to telling me she feels we should just be friends. I of course begged and pleaded and started pouring my heart out to try and get her to chance her mind. She refused to and we haven't talked since. So what I am wondering Chase is what stage am I in and what can I do to try and turn this all around in the future?

Marcos's picture

Question about my situation


Chase, this article really helped my frame of mind! I was in a 2 and a half year relationship with a Jewish girl, a sweet caring girl which are hard to find, but vastly insecure!! So we git into arguments because I am close to my sister and sh thought she wasnt priority! So we were on a two month break and I said I would change and so I did! However, I felt like walking on egg shells since even the mention of my sister made her mad!! I was pretty giving with her family although sometimes out of frustration I did involve them in our fights! She understood her extreme jealousy with other girls was something she needed to work on but she never understood that the issue with my sister was also part of her low self esteem!! She thought it was all me and I basically lost it a few times and we got into big arguments to the point that communication was null! We even went to a therapist but not as often as we would need to!

So two months ago I was sending a text to my sister and she stormed out of the car to hers, and I chased her to talk and it was so frustrating to be in This stupid fight again over nothing really! So she ignored me and I se t a text to her family (uncles, aunts, father, sister) telling them that we disrespected each other and we needed a break! That was my anxiety and impulse but they took it very bad, she finished things off over email and that was that! She also ignired my sister when they had become friends again and her cousin insulted me and my sister which she called my 'girlfriend'!! So it is pretty clear stuff was made up and in her insecurity she thinks she is right and communicating with her is hell!

Problem is, I love her and I know she does too cause I am pretty sure things ended because of anger and frustration, just like situation number 1! Problem is that I went into panic, requested she blocked me off FB, went no contact for 3 weeks and tried again to apologize, ask her for some time to work on my anger issues, tried everythint and she ignores me, no contact from her at all! I also apologized to her family Nd got no response! She still had my mom and sister on FB AND still has pics of us on her FB, which is weird cause she did tell me once that she could not get why an ex would still have pics of his ex on FB! She doesnt even tell me if its over for good, I asked her to please tell me if its really over or if she woukd give me some time!! I mean, if she does not want anything else she should just say so, so I have no idea if she is waiting for mr to go away, waiting fir me to stop harassing her and actually show her change or simply playing a game cause in her insecurity she likes the chase and what I really need to do is go away and see if she is really done that way! I know her insecurities drove me crazy but i sti think if I was more patient Things could be different! I also hurt cause i did hurt her sometimes with my comment when she accused me of things that were not real! Her ignoring me is really killing me, its been 2 months but i think ive showed too much on my hand! As fact I am always the one chasing and changing her mind! It also does not ring with me how she is jealous of other girls to not lose me and now she just does not care at all! Or is it she cares too mu h and doesnt know how to deal? I mean, its so immature to end things for real like this!

Anonymous's picture

Blog Post


You sir sound like a very wise man! I'm going to check out the rest of your stuff.

Pauly's picture

Help


Hello Chase,

I am in dire need of help. I am going into my junior year of college. I started dating my now ex girlfriend when i was a senior in hs, she was a sophomore. This passed spring semester I was a selfish prick and took her for granted. so she broke up with me, and I have essentially been a mess since. while I was at school we never talked, not until I came home for the summer. All I want is to be with her again so I can prove to her that I am not that same dickhead again. When I came home for summer we hung out. while we hung out we talked about who we have hooked up with since the break up, then the convo turned to how we both felt so lonely and weren't happy. But then she said that she did not want to date again. So I said well lets be friends and see what happens, she agreed. But then the next day she texted me saying that she didn't know what she wanted and that we couldn't be friends. That broke my heart even more and then I started chasing her since. The hangouts have happened more than once and she would again say she didn't want to talk to me. and now we are in that same position of not talking. But all I want to do is go to her house and talk to her and express to her that I am still so deeply in love and sorry for everything. So please help and tell me if you think it's all over forever or what I should do if that's not the case. Thank you.

Anonymous's picture

A difficult case


Hello Chase.

I'd be obliged if you could have a look at my affair and point me tactically towards my next move. This is the gist of the story:

This is a very long affair that spans 14 years. Prepare for a long read!

This topic concerns a relationship that started some 14 years ago and in some ways, has never ceased.

I am in my late 40's. No family issues, good education, solid career - up to a point. Never had any issues with the opposite sex, two long-lasting relationships and numerous short ones. All within the societal "norms". Show me one 100% - as per the mainstream definition- healthy one and I will show you pink stars.

She is in her late 30's. Affluent background, well educated. I came to know her via rumor. The story begins in 1998, when I met and was invited into the confidence of a quite gifted individual who soon enough became a very close friend. We had similar interests and excellent understanding with each other. She was his girlfriend.

They were on and off together for seven years, in a vicious circle of repeated infidelities, excuses, pardons and new beginnings. My friend kept up pretenses, but inwardly a wreck. As I valued him highly, I could not fathom his attachment onto such a viral creature. Little did I know..I became his confessor.

Every so often, we would have drinks at night and he would recount her latest exploit. She would take pains to quickly phone him and announce whom she got into bed with that particular night. (At that time she was working on her dissertation abroad). She had a special fondness for his friends.

Over some holiday, I finally met the dreaded she-devil - her nickname among our circle. She was everything I was expecting and much worse. Loud, flagrantly provocative,quite theatrical and flirting right left and center. I wondered that evening why on earth would he abide her. Little did I know..

Roughly a year passed under similar circumstances. After each transgression of hers, he would go mad and assure me this is the end. Never happened. Three months before she was due back home, she saw fit to "entertain" a visiting friend - a close friend to both of us. The afflicted was livid. I was trying to be supportive. He called it the Finale. I believed him.

After her permanent return, they were off-relationship but still hang out, amongst the greater circle of friends. That's when circumstances brought her and I into closer proximity. Of course, I was guarded, I was the one with the most excessive knowledge why to steer clear of her. Nevertheless, the frequent contact - over a board game with the rest of the friends - led me to discern that something was lying there underneath the mantle of deceit and misery. Something different, a wounded softness that cried to be heard. Overtime, the feeling was compounded. She made overtures.

I came to realise that I wanted to explore, to probe deeper. A gut feeling, if you may. {By the way, I am quite empathic. I take time to study people. I feel their pain and joys. I dare say that I have (in small measure) helped certain individuals along their paths in life.} In my book there was no way that this could take place without the consent of her ex, my best friend.

One day, we met and I posed the question. Would you mind if I and her etc etc? I pressed the point for two hours. Hitherto, we never stalled to speak our minds to each other. He was adamant. And a pretty good liar. I was satisfied that it was ok.

Her and I became a couple. Our friends were riven into two groups, those who sided with my (now former) best friend and those who sided with me. This rift exists even today and has deprived me of some dear friends.

Irregardless, we were together. At start, I remained guarded, she was dotting. We spent some months exploring each other in a passionate context. However, I liked what I saw. She was changing. Manners, language, dress codes, hair style. She was becoming a totally different being.

I had evaded her pleas to tell her that I love her for months. Still was unsure due to foreknowledge. One day though, over something quite trifling, her armor cracked for good. I had evidenced a rebirth. Her transformation filled me with joy, for she came to be the personal ideal in what I seek in a female companion - and then some. We got a house, and created our nest.

For three years, she gave me utter joy and fulfillment. I lived for her and she for me. And I came to love her beyond measure.

I feel that two remarks are needed here; firstly, I worked for that outcome. I made it my task to make this woman happy. I spend untold hours studying her, her mood shifts, her body language, her facial expressions. I could sense her desires/fears before they manifested. I say this in all humility, I came to know her mind - but not its entirety as it came to pass.
Secondly, all the feelings I convey above are subjective. The reader may decide that an alternative meaning is valid. Nevertheless, I sensed them, experienced them, lived them. They are as real to me as anything on this world.

A few months shy of our third year together, we bumped on ex/ex and his entourage at the movies. Polite conversation ensued. Got a gut feeling again. Soon enough, she asked for my permission to have a coffee with him. I deemed it reasonable in view of their past. Then another such request. I raised an eyebrow. And another.. We started arguing over this. She said that she realises it's not fair but she has to do it.

I was still ensconced in that impervious comfort of Eden that could not be lost, although alarms had started ringing. One evening she said she's going out with a girlfriend. Gut feeling again - I checked her cel and verified she'd arranged a meeting with him. I exploded. Upon confronting her on her return, she acted as if nothing serious had happened and I was making too much of a fuss.

This is already getting too long so I will spare the minutiae of our loss of Eden. Suffice it to say that she started a a gradual relapse into her former self, every day killing a part of hers that I loved.

I left her on December 2002. I left to preserve dignity, sanity, memory and faith. In hindsight, with the information I have had access to since then, perhaps it was the wrong decision to make. Perhaps it was a call for help. Perhaps I did not walk the walk. This nags me to this day.

Some token calls and smss, a couple of meets. Then she asked for n/c. I respected her wish. Eleven years passed since then. Never sought to learn of her news, but feint whispers confirmed that she was back together with her ex and still pursuing a path of destruction.

Personally, this past decade has been one of desolation. Energy levels at bare minimum. Lost too many things to even mention. One thing I gained is even more empathy. I soul searched myself and dug out surprising stuff. Much more aware of who I am and what I want of this life.

Since our break up, I carry her inside. Every minute,hour and day. I've grown numb to the pain, kind of feels normal. Every day I hear her screams. However, If I close my eyes and think of her smiling, I smile back.

Two week ago, out of nowhere we met. At a singular mutual friend's drinks outing. She had the ex in tow. I felt a jolt of pain for she looked as the predator of yore. I also felt happiness to see her no matter the circumstances. For some reason I felt in peace with myself.

She sat at my table with all milling around us. The ex was throwing anxious looks. I made no subconscious or explicit effort to play it cool for I saw no reason to. I fixed my gaze on hers. She started crying. I kept staring. She turned to all and said that I was one of the biggest loves of her life. I kept staring. She took my cel, inputted her number and vice versa. She asked if I'm seeing anyone. I said no. She whispered "where are you now?" I replied "you know". She cracked. And I saw feint glimpses of the woman I once knew. I probed some more on themes I knew would elicit response. She cracked further but now I saw fear in her eyes.

I let a week go by. Then I texted and asked for her email. No response. I phoned her the next day. I heard claws. To the effect of "Im otherwise busy, forget my email, forget this number". I was taken aback. Another text met with a similar response. During that last exchange I slipped her a 6-page long draft that describes my cognitive and emotional outlook of her presence in my life. Never used the word love once, but imply it all over.

This was 1.5 months ago.

Thanks for the long read.

Joseph's picture

Get an Ex girlfriend back combo of #1 and #2


Hey my ex gf and I broke up 8 months ago. She broke up with me from a combo of being mad of not getting enough time from me and it feeling like a long distance relationship even though we live in the same city. And her probably getting bored because we weren't hanging out as much and going out to do things. When I all wanted to do was study and get rest or workout. I know I got complacent and took her for granted. This is why when she broke up with me she said "why do I have to threaten you to do something?" and "I have been wondering how do you really feel?" So she felt insecure and the relationship had stalled out while also getting bored. She said she was over the relationship and she was tired of trying with me. She said she told me multiple times what she wanted but nothing happened so she was moving on and we were done for good. I tried to reason with her and get her to give me another chance saying I will make more time, but she just said it was past over due or too late. She wanted me around more but didn't get it so she doesn't want it anymore. And she was tired of my lack of effort in making it happen in the relationship to get back the relationship we used to have where we saw each other often. She has a new boyfriend of 6 months, but for whatever reason she hasn't told me I found out through a post on Facebook. When I asked her to hang out she would just act busy or give a straight no, but would never say she had a boyfriend. Is there anyway to get her back after all this time? and her being with this new guy for 6 months which I know she probably feels like he appreciates her more than I did since all I did was argue with her when she was begging me for more effort to make time for her and her nephew. What should I do?

Anonymous's picture

get ex-gf from another guy


we were in a relationship for 3 years. i did hurt her a lot. she warned me that she is loosing her feelings for me and 1 month ago she says that she has no feelings for me its not working for us n v broke up. after couple of days she confess that she has feeling for another guy whom she knew for past 1 year and they are in relationship right now. its been more than 1 month she haven't called or messaged me. she's busy with her new relationship. is there any chances og getting her back? what should i do?

Rodolfo's picture

Need help understanding Ex-Girlfriend


Greetings Chase.

First of all, thanks for the information you provide, it's really helpful.

I'd like to ask you about my particular situation, because i don't seem to decide correctly what to do.

I dumped my ex-girlfriend 1 year ago, but i realised i made a huge mistake because she was always great with me and treat me like no other woman has. She suffered a lot during that phase.

Recently i've tried to get back with her but she always denied, she says she doesn't want a relationship at moment and that she wants me to forget her.

We had sex at a music festival just to find in the other day that she was guilty of herself. I've made a call recently to her, showing her i wanted to get back (before i saw your article), and she told me to move on, forget her, because there is no chance of that happening.

I don't understand, i mean, i actually do, i made her suffer, so now probably she's afraid of that.
I've told her and sent a letter apologyizing myself for doing that and how i wanted to get things right with her and we both have fun in our lives (before reading your article).

But it came up as no good, she first wanted to stay friends, but now after the call and the letter, she even blocked me on Skype and told me to stop insisting on it.

i'm now doing NC for 3 days. I hope things work out well.

I'd like to know what do I do, and which of the stages she's at.

Thanks for your attention, and keep up with the good work ;)

Cheers, Rodolfo

Anonymous's picture

Longing phase?


Hi Chase,

How do we know when she hits the longing phase? Do we wait for her to contact us first?

Anonymous's picture

finally!


been waiting for this post for so long!

Anonymous's picture

what about a not yet ex?


Hey there, great article but my situation is a bit different, and if you already have a post on this forgive me, just stumbled on to the site and read this article (but ill definitely bookmark).

Here is my situation:

I am currently with a girl, beautiful and out of my league, but we have been in love for 4 years, having lived with eachother, our families are close etc. The problem is is she is starting with the "im not sure what I want" and the "i want to feel that excitement again" that girls say when you know they are headed to #2.

I am at a crucial stage I believe, and basically am asking for your advice to prevent her from making a big step towards #2.

we live in different cities right now, but we visit, still talk every other day, still big parts of our lives, which makes me think I could become the guy she wants (Im skinny, attractive but to be honest, I absolutely know she could get a top tier guy, much more attractive and successful). Not to put myself down, but seems like a transformation is what I need in order to make MYSELF happier.

She wants handsome, clean, stylish, sexy and new. New is what worries me.

I need to know how to make her crave me again, even after all these years. any help would be awesome

Anonymous's picture

ex


this girl was my best friend before we started our fling and we have almost all the same friends. although i brought up being friends first she insisted things hadnt changed between us, a few days later she came to me wanting to end things and be friends. since then its been a roller coaster month in wish we continued on as good friends and things eventually got awkward and i brought up trying things again, she denied. finally after a week i decided friends was best and talked to her again confirming i could be friends for her without feelings but since then the she has hated my guts and lashes out at me in hatred, ive tried ignoring her and she lashes out harder, ive tried confronting her for the sake of our mutual friends but she continued her hatred. we are just now getting back on speaking terms, i see this person everyday still as we live in the same area, does she actually hate me?? what should i do? help!

twisted thoughts's picture

will give this another try


Hi Chase!

Let me tell you my story.

Forgive me of my english. Its not my native language.

We had a huge fight because I threw awful words to her that made her hurt. It was a small petty fight at first but then it went into a catastrophe.

A week later of our breakup, she's with someone new . She loves this guy so much that it gave her epiphanies. She talked to me and said that they are in an open relationship. She could make out with other people and etc. Her guy is sleeping around with other people who are virgins, his ex, 50 year olds...whatever as long as its sex. It is an open relationship after-all.

I know my ex well and she has principles to never "cheat" to someone else. Even though they are in an open relationship, she could make out with someone else but she'll only sleep with her guy.

Its been 4 weeks now of our post breakup phase. I actually made a wrong move of contacting her everyday or every 3 days because I'm the one who is chasing.

Yesterday, she called me to sleep over at my place and we did sex before her flight to visit her hometown for a week. She said that it was the best sex she ever had between us. She missed me so much that she couldn't stop smelling me after our sex and she was wanting for more rounds (I have limits so I can't keep up all the time). She's complaining of how bad his new guy of bedding with her because it'll last for 5 minutes only but aside from that she still loves the new guy.

After our great long sex, she asked me "What if we'll get together again?"...I told her "We'll never know...We are not holding the future"...Not sure of what I said to her was the right thing or not but I already gave her lots of hints that I still want her back when I was chasing her for past three weeks.

After that situation, I lifted her to the airport and she told me that "lets have sex again when I'm back". I sent her a last message "Have a safe trip, I miss you and I love you. Take care."

I'm kind of confused because of all other guys she could sleep with...why only me? I thought she was sleeping around with lots of guys...I THOUGHT SHE WAS...She made out with lots of people but for sex...It was just me...and his guy too but she's favouring on my side right now when it comes to sex.

We had a lot of emotional roller coaster of our relationship and we lasted a year and 3 months.

I contemplated and contemplated for days and I realised that I'm the one who is making efforts of chasing her...I asked myself, why not give another try of getting her back. We have lots of common interest together thats what I really love about her and of all of my past exes, she's the one who did a lot of effort to take care of me when I'm in trouble.

During our closure, she said to me "of all boyfriends I had...You are the best of all...My new guy is not the best but I love him"

I still love her. I'm willing to take the risk of giving another try. I will take this risk of not contacting her or being nonchalant and let her do the effort of contacting me. Chase, how am I going to turn the tables around this time?

My ex and I...We are neighbours by the way.

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