The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back


how to get a girl backThe most frequent email I get from readers is of the very gracious, magnanimous variety, with readers reaching out to say thanks for writing your blog, your book, etc., and sharing perhaps some of the successes that have come from, in part, applying what they've learned from my materials.

But hands down the second most frequent email I get is the one that reads something akin to this:

Hi Chase, I've been reading your site and I wish I'd come across it sooner. You see, there's this girl I like, and I guess I didn't move fast enough with her, because now she's cold and distant and I don't know what to do. Is there anything you can recommend I do to turn it around?

I get about 2 or 3 of these emails a week. And as traffic to this site continues rising, I'm confident the number of them coming in will only increase.

And I commiserate. I've been there lots of times; watching a girl you really liked shut down and go cold on you when formerly it seemed like she was yours for the picking is maddening, gut-wrenching, and about as big a sucker punch as you can get. It's awful.

So, I want to lay it down here today, for all those guys out there pulling their hair out like I used to -- a complete guide on how to get a girl back.

 

An Ounce of Prevention's Worth a Pound of Cure

First let me start by saying that if you're trying to get a girl back, that already tells me you dropped the ball in a big way the first time around. Forgive the directness there.

From everything I've seen, there are three main root causes for men losing women:

  1. She started feeling like you didn't want her. This one's probably the biggest one, believe it or not, and it happens before you've slept with a girl if you don't get her to bed fast enough, and it happens after you've slept with a girl if you start ignoring her or making her feel unwanted or unappreciated.

    In other words, if you're lovers and you started ignoring her, that's why you've lost her. If you're not lovers and you didn't become lovers fast enough, on the other hand, that's why you've lost her.

  2. She started feeling hurt or insulted by you. This one's common with guys who are jerks, and with guys who are trying to shake off their "nice guy" mantles and end up going too far.

    If you tease a girl in a less-than-smooth way, you can veer too far to the other side of the spectrum and end up insulting her, instead. This is like the guy thinking, "So where'd you get that dress, at the Salvation Army?" is teasing, when actually it's more like a slap in the face. Make a girl feel bad around you too much, and she'll get scarce faster than you can say, "Whoops, my bad."

  3. She started feeling like it was too easy with you. I'd imagine most of the guys reading this blog have moved away from doing this, but if you're newer it still might be the case. If you chased after a girl too much, came across as nervous or needy, or went out of your way trying to "prove yourself" to her, there's a very, very good chance that she started feeling like it was too easy with you -- which must mean, she assumes, that she's out of your league. At that point, of course, she's certainly not going to want anything further and will cool off toward you dramatically.

Regardless which one it was -- whether she ended up feeling unwanted, she ended up feeling insulted, or she ended up feeling it was too easy -- she pulled away and started viewing you in a much more negative light than she originally did.

If it was the first two, she's in auto-rejection; if it was the latter, she's feeling like you're a bit too needy or too much of a nice guy for her.

Either way, the damage is done, and it's going to be a heck of a slog trying to undo it.

It can be done... sometimes. But I want to throw this disclaimer out there first:

Trying to get back a girl you've lost is like trying to save a dinner you've burnt, or take back an insult you've slung, or fix a vase you've broken. It's possible, but it's not going to be easy. Not at all.

It's about 1000 times easier to learn simply to NOT burn dinner, NOT insult people, and NOT break vases... and not cause women to run away, either, than it is to continually be trying to get back women you've lost.

But, unfortunately, even for the most talented guys out there, sometimes dinner still gets burnt, sometimes an insult still slips out, sometimes your elbow still catches a vase, and sometimes you still mess up with a girl you like and have to watch her run away, and it's worth knowing how to turn things around when you do end up in that scenario.

That said, I'm of the mind that for every hour you spend trying to raise a sunken ship, you ought to spend ten hours learning how to sail ships without sinking them.

Otherwise, you're just going to keep plowing into icebergs, again and again.

So, let's talk turnarounds and lets talk how to get girls back, but don't forget that the most important thing for you to learn is how to get girls to begin with and how not to lose them in the first place.

 

The Girl I Got Back

Back in 2006, there was a girl I really, really liked... and I blew it with her. She was beautiful, intelligent, and full of life in a way that few women ever are. And I moved way too slow (we're talking months here), I mishandled everything, and when I finally got her on our first date, I showed up dressed sloppily, I took her on a terrible date, and I even managed to blow it even worse at the very end of the date. Talk about ending on a high note...

... but, as fate would have it, the two of us were already booked on a tour abroad together, along with a buddy of mine, and despite this girl literally getting away from me every chance she got at the outset of the tour, snapping at me, and even being rude to me after I saved her life when she stepped out into traffic directly in front of a semi-truck barreling down the road and I yanked her back out of harm's way, I managed to turn things around, and I bedded her halfway into the trip.

My pal was ecstatic. He couldn't believe I pulled off the turnaround. He was walking to our hotel room just as I exited from hers across the hall, and he saw me stumble out of the room, clothes a mess, belt dangling loosely down from my unzipped pants because we thought her roommate was coming back and I had to get out of there, and my pal saw me and started whooping and hollering at the top of his lungs. I had to tell him to hush up just to not make us both look like fools.

That girl and I went on to have a long relationship together, and we broke up a number of times, but I always managed to get her back in the end. Eventually we'd taken each other through the ringer enough times though that I thought enough was enough and we agreed to part ways for good. I realized I was being selfish holding onto her, when I couldn't give her what she wanted (exclusive, monogamous, lifelong commitment -- not really something for me).

Another time, a few years after I first met that girl in 2006, I had another girl I really liked -- also quite beautiful, quite intelligent, and quite a character, that one -- that I blew it with, and only after another equally Herculean effort was I able to get a second date with her. And she was so primed for me at that point that she ended up sprawled out on my bed, waiting for me. As it were, I fumbled this opportunity too with this girl, a newlywed -- she eloped in the couple of months between our first date and our second -- by again hesitating and again moving too slow, losing her a second time.

Anyway, the reason stories like this seem so remarkable is because they're so incredibly rare.

For every story I have like this, I have 20 more about girls I really liked that I lost and never turned things around with. And as I've gotten better and better with women, turnarounds have become less and less of a concern.

You see, that girl I got back -- the one in 2006 -- I had to work my ass off to turn that around. I had to wrack my brain and figure out everything I'd done wrong, and then I had to undo all of it, and then I had to redo everything again, but right this time. I had to pull out all the stops and take my game to a level it had never been at before that point to make what happened happen.

But as I've gotten better and better with women, a curious few things have happened. They are:

  • I've largely stopped making the mistakes I used to make that lost me women
  • I've consistently been having higher and higher quality women in my life
  • I've consistently had more and more options with women in my life

and as a result, my desire to chase after and "win back" any one girl I might've blown it with has shrank to virtually zero.

In fact, I had a girl I blew it with last year who was chasing after me hard early this year... a buddy of mine even wished me good luck with her when I'd told him she was begging to come over to my place and spend time with me, but I told him no good luck needed; it was in the bag if I wanted it.

But I didn't want it.

At that point, I felt confident that I'd take that girl to bed... but that she'd then expect a relationship out of it, and I didn't want to deal with that with her. And after her holding out on me as much as she had before, I didn't think she was the kind of girl I wanted a relationship with.

I ended up telling her not to come over, and met her at a restaurant instead for a much more neutral, platonic meeting. She kept trying to find an excuse to get over to my place, but I kept deflecting her, and eventually she gave up and disappeared. Now I only get the occasional email from her, wondering how I've been and telling me she misses me.

Well, before I get into how to get a girl back, I want to make it equally clear to you that, should you invest the time in yourself to fully develop your skills with women, you won't want to waste time trying to get girls back.

You'll have too many new women on your hands to worry about one flakey one.

But, I realize you may or may not be there yet, and no matter what may be said, if a guy wants to know how to pull a turnaround off, he wants to know how to pull a turnaround off.

So, all right; you asked for it, so here it is.

how to get a girl back

 

Ways to Get a Girl Back: All the Tools You Need

I want to draw a distinction here, for the guys reading this post from different perspectives: if you're trying to get your girlfriend back -- a girl that you've been intimate with, that you've had as a lover -- it's going to be pretty straightforward... if you did a good job with her emotions throughout the relationship.

But for the guys who messed it up with a girl they hadn't slept with, and for the guys who had a girlfriend they were sleeping with but with whom they weren't good in bed with and didn't leave a strong emotional imprint, you're going to have an uphill climb. That's not to discourage you, because it can still be done; that's just to give you a more realistic expectation of the level of effort that's going to be involved.

Pick ups can happen fast when you know what you're doing -- even with conservative girls, even with girls who've only had one or two lovers before -- or even none at all. Turnarounds, on the other hand, very rarely happen fast, if only because the guys who have the skill set down solid enough to be able to turn things around fast don't usually end up in the position of needing to turn things around.

I'm going to tailor this as a more general how-to on getting a girl back; a more specific "how to get your girlfriend back" post I'll try and get up at some point in the not-too-distant future. If I forget, shoot me an email to remind me and I'll try and get it up; but, since I don't really get the "how do I get my girlfriend back" questions, I'm going to assume there aren't many cats on here with that question and I'll save that for another time. [UPDATE: here it is: "How to Get Your Girlfriend Back"]

Just yesterday, a reader made the following comment on the post about staying out of auto-rejection:

Great article man, but just realized that I did everything wrong, gone too slow and now the girl I like its just cold with me, she already was shy, but now its getting very hard talking to her, as she always go quiet and aloof, I started talking to her becouse she always was the first to gaze me. now we often flirt in distance with eye contact and smiles, but she seems way too shy now, sometimes she even walks away when im talking to her, there would be something I could do to bring her back? every time she looks at me from distance i feel she still likes me but I have no idea of what to do!

greetings from Brazil (sorry for my bad english).

Caesar.

Let's use Caesar's comment here as our model to work off of, because this is the one I get emailed the most frequently about. Guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl likes guy, guy flirts with girl, girl flirts with guy... then nothing happens... for a long time... girl gets cold, guy gets frustrated. What to do?

Again, check out the post on how to get girls (link earlier in this post, or over on the sidebar to the right of the page) if you haven't already; that's your basic instruction manual for what to do with the girls you like. For a complete guide to getting girls, snag a copy of my ebook; everything you'll ever need and a whole lot more is in there. If you follow the steps lain out in that post or in the book, you're going to be well on your way to avoiding ending up having to figure out how to get girls back any time soon. So, do that first; use this post as a last resort.

But let's say, for one reason or another, you've ended up here, and you've absolutely got to know how to get a girl back. Well, without further ado, let's have at what to do.

  1. Get your thoughts off of her. Why's this important? Because I'm betting that if you really like her this much -- so much that you're willing to do whatever it takes to turn things around and make her yours -- that probably also means you're thinking about her. A lot. Maybe even all the time.

    And girls you think about a lot, you become useless around. Just think back to the last time you tried to talk -- or do anything -- with a girl you really, really liked. You probably became a quivering mound of Jell-O, didn't you?

    You need to get your mind off her and distance yourself from your feelings from her before you're able to effect anything resembling a comeback. That means thinking about other girls; dating or sleeping with other girls, when possible; or at the very least plunging yourself into some kind of hobby, activity, sport, or other passion that can consume your thoughts and get you spending a lot less mental time on this girl.

    The more time you spend investing mentally in a girl, the less effective with her you'll be.

  2. Start acting gradually opposite to how you were. That means if you were being a little overly aloof, you need to be a little warmer. And if you were being a little insulting, you need to be a little less so, and get to mentioning to her the things you genuinely like about her. And if you were coming across too easy to get, you need to start becoming more scarce and tougher to get.

    The key to this is the word "gradual." If you make a sudden switch, she'll know it was in reaction to her, and if your goose was cooked before, it's turned to ash, now. You need to start straightening out your act, but you need to do it without it looking forced or contrived. Be gradual.

  3. DO NOT CHASE. Under any circumstances whatsoever. I know the instinct is to panic and chase after the person you're losing; it's universal, and women do it too (this factors significantly into how I run my own interactions with women these days; the reason they pursue me as much as they do is because I'm being the "guy they want to get back").

    But trust me, nothing will flush her attraction down the toilet for you faster than you chasing after her. If you want to make absolutely certain that she NEVER wants to be with you again, chase after her. Otherwise -- yeah, don't do this one.

  4. If you seemed too easy, make her jealous; if you didn't, avoid this at all costs. This is where our strategies start diverging. To get her seeing him in a different light, the girl who saw a guy as too easy needs to see him getting attraction from other women, and no longer chasing after her. This can take the form of:

      •  You talking to other girls in a bar or nightclub in front of her
      •  You hinting that you're unavailable a weekend night, without saying why
      •  You mentioning how cute or pretty another girl is to her

    If you lost her because you made her feel unwanted, or because you hurt her, though -- do not do this. Making her jealous will only push her further away -- it only makes you seem harder to get, and less available to her, which is the opposite of what you want. And if she ends up resenting you because you seem too hard to get, she may very well want to make you jealous -- and then the two of you will just end up in twisted little war of each one trying to make the other more jealous. I've been there a few times, and trust me, it ain't fun. Whip out the jealousy only when she thinks you're too easy (e.g., that women don't want you).

  5. Give her some cooling off time... without you. If the two of you were flirting before, it's safe to assume that she liked you, enjoyed your attention, and enjoyed spending time with you and talking to you. So, give her a little time to cool off and realize that life is noticeably less awesome without you around.

    The main thing this does is ease your return. No matter the reason why she ran off, if you want to get her back, she needs a little time without you. In addition to reminding her that she likes having you around, this also lets any pressure she was feeling (if you'd been chasing her) reset.

  6. Don't be cute. I know lots of the stuff out there on game, on texting, on phone calls, on talking to girls tells you to be cute. All that stuff like, "I'm going to treat you like my little sister, and wrap you up in bubble tape and stuff you in my pocket!" Well, that's stuff that -- I won't say it helps you -- but it at least doesn't hurt you too much when she's feeling very comfortable with you and digging you.

    When she's annoyed at you and running away, her tolerance for cutesiness falls to zero. So cut that crud out and be straight with her.

  7. Get compliance. If you can't get a girl to invest in you, you're not going to be able to get her to do anything else. You need, need, need to get her following your lead again -- ask her to come for a short walk with you; tell her, "Hey, don't run away, I want to talk to you for a minute." Start giving her small orders, or asking for small amounts of compliance. Read up on persuading women before you do; particularly if she's running away, you're going to have to be at your most persuasive!

  8. Set up a meet, pronto. I don't know where guys get this idea from, but most of the guys you see trying to salvage something with a girl try doing it over phone, text, or email. Are you kidding me? If you want to turn something around, you've got to do it in person.

    Get her in person. That should be your mantra for turning stuff around. Get her alone with you, or semi-alone, in person, where the two of you are there just for each other. At that point, you can be cool with her, and not be insulting, and not be too easy to get, and move forward quickly and naturally.

  9. Exceptions. Some of the above steps are going to be "exceptioned-out" sometimes. For instance, in Caesar's situation, where it sounds like this girl is already pulling away really hard and, I'd have to guess, he hasn't gone on a date with her at all yet, he needs to get her out ASAP and show her he's a man who will lead her to making progress, to make something happen, and, not long after, to bed. So for Caesar, I'd recommend taking exception to worrying about jealousy plotlines (they take too long; he needs to move fast before this girl is gone completely) and I'd skip the cooling off period (she doesn't need to cool off from him chasing her, as it sounds like it hasn't gone beyond flirting and he hasn't asked her out at all; he needs rather to make it crystal clear he wants something to happen, and that he'll make it happen).

If you follow these steps, you're going to stand a much better chance of getting a girl back than your average, ordinary guy, who stands around feeling sorry for himself, yelling, "WHY???" at the gods, and begging women (in vain) for another shot.

Instead, now you've got the tools to take matters back into your own hands and start effecting a turnaround.

But, there's one more thing you need to keep in mind before the turnaround is complete...

how to get a girl back

 

How to Get a Girl Back and Keep Her Back

Once you've done the impossible (well, implausible, really; but your friends will think you've done the impossible) and turned it around with a girl who was running away, there's still one more thing you've got to do if you want to set it in stone.

You've got to sleep with her.

All romantic notions aside, men and women are separate sexes for one reason, and one reason only: getting together and making babies. If we didn't need to do that, we'd be sexless and we'd reproduce by splitting.

Everybody knows that intimacy is what it's all about in the deepest parts of his or her unconscious -- it's the entire reason why romance exists at all in the first place. And, like it or not, women are remorselessly unforgiving toward men who don't man up and do what they're supposed to do -- that is, who don't take them to bed, get physical with them, and rock their worlds.

Lots of guys -- especially guys who are starting out -- tend to get caught up in this romantic notion of selfless sacrifice, of the purity of a girl, of her being too innocent or conservative or the kind of girl who would "never go for that" or "never do that."

Like somehow she's some special kind of girl from whom evolution has mysteriously stripped the drive to mate and reproduce.

I'll tell you what I know. I see lots of guys like this all the time -- they're the guys who chase after the girls I'm dating, the girls I'm with, the girls I took to bed on the first date. They put women on pedestals and view them as goddesses. Meanwhile, I'm doing all kinds of things to their goddesses in the bedroom and making those goddesses scream at the top of their lungs.

Don't make the mistake I made with that newlywed girl I worked so hard to get, then ended up gun-shy with her laying sprawled out on my bed. Don't go to all that trouble to get a girl back... only to lose her again by not pulling the trigger. I'm still upset at myself about that one, and that was years ago.

If you want to know how to get a girl back, you know it now; but you won't keep her if you don't take her as your lover. I guarantee you that much. For as romantic as we'd like to think things really are, it all comes down to who's in bed with whom -- and if she isn't getting it from you, she'll get it somewhere else.

So, just make sure she's getting it from you -- and she'll be yours, instead of that other guy's who doesn't really deserve her anyway ;)

Always,
Chase

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Comments

M's picture

Chase, thanks for that


Chase,
thanks for that article.
It makes sense and doesn't sound like a typical community reasoning for losing a girl soon "you were not a challenge/you were not alpha enough/failed tests" etc
The real reasons are, like you mentioned:
- She started feeling like you didn't want her
- She started feeling hurt or insulted by you
which occur easily after following some pickup advice, by over-compensating dudes(like me :))

M's picture

>"At that point, I felt


>"At that point, I felt confident that I'd take that girl to bed... but that she'd then expect a relationship out of it, and I didn't want to deal with that with her. And after her holding out on me as much as she had before, I didn't think she was the kind of girl I wanted a relationship with."

I am in exactly the same situation. A girl seem to really like me, very cute, sexy and nice, i have oneitsy feelings for her. But she withholds and mentions she wants an LTR with me. When we kiss, she tells she wants it to be every day like this. If i persist i believe I can take her home, but she'll ask for relationship before sex. I think that LTR could be sweet, but at the same time I'm worried about being tooled, her withholding too much(playing purity card/ultimatum) and my desire to develop my pickup abilities more.
Could you give me some short advice on that situ, please, as an experienced guy.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: >"At that point, I felt

Author

Hey M,

I had a similar situation, about 5 years ago. I had this girl who was just about everything I could ever want -- that girl I mentioned pulling off the turnaround here with, in fact -- but at the same time, my abilities with women were nowhere near where I wanted to get them to. I knew if I got into a committed, exclusive relationship with her then, it'd be forever, because I just don't lose people from my life unless I let them go. And I wasn't ready to get into a "forever" type of situation.

So, I told her I could be with her, but that I couldn't be an exclusive boyfriend to her. It was really, really hard to do at the time and it was 100% my logical mind telling me, "This is for the best," and just steamrolling my emotional mind, which was screaming, "No! I don't want to lose this girl! Do whatever it takes to keep her!" But now, 5 years later, I'm unbelievably glad I took the path I took. I knew logically it was the better path, I just had to fight emotion to get there. The other path led to the traditional white picket fences house, corporate desk job, marriage and children scenario that I know is not for me. Now instead I'm traveling the world, launching start up businesses, and enjoying success with women I hardly would've guessed back then I could achieve.

For me, the most important thing was not ending up "trapped," and getting my skills to the level where I'd always be able to walk away from a relationship if I needed to and go get another girl. I knew if I gave up pick up then and went exclusive, if bad stuff ever happened I wouldn't be able to leave that girl, because I'd have no skills to find a replacement, no faith in myself to do so, and nowhere else to go.

But, it's a personal decision for everyone. I'm thankful for taking the road less traveled, but you've got to make that call on your own. On the one hand, you risk losing a gal you really like; on the other, you risk spending the rest of your life wondering what would've happened had you gone down that other road. I guess whichever one's the bigger deal to you, you go with that one.

Chase

JJ's picture

I totally agree that men need


I totally agree that men need to have the ability, the access, the abundance of women in their lives, if they choose. Regardless of whether he remains single and sows his wild oats or he settles down with a woman, he needs to remain sharp. Although, arguably, a committed relationship is a different kind of "sharpness" than dating...

Maybe I'm a little old fashioned, but I think humans are wired to be in a committed, stable relationship. I think most men do settle for less, out of fear or scarcity, and stick to one woman. But I don't think it's emotionally healthy or manageable over the long term to never settle down. As humans, we're wired to connect. And if all we do is go from relationship to relationship, it's nearly impossible to develop a strong, significant bond.

But to each his own... at the very least, I think every man should have the freedom and ability to find women that he genuinely values and is attracted to, and not settle for any woman that would have him.

-JJ

Migz's picture

I was thinking like you for a


I was thinking like you for a long time. But once you get down the road of self-improvement and you have the right tools. The potential is so limitless that a lady must be ridiculously fabulous and work hard to even make you consider exclusivity.

On average women treat their boyfriends better than they treat their husbands and they treat their uncommitted lovers even better than they treat their boyfriends. If it was the other way around, every man would rush to get married.

If I appreciate a woman more if I'm uncommitted to her, its a win-win situation for me. And that's how it works. Women who think you are sleeping with other women don't whine at you because you didn't do the dishes or the laundry or because you're not inviting her to expensive dinner dates.

JJ's picture

Haha... I think it really


Haha... I think it really depends on the man. Some men have a higher potential than others. That's a big thing that most people don't like to admit in this "community." That you can do the best with what you've got, but that doesn't necessarily mean you will be swimming in women. And having said that, not everyone has the patience and the grit to reach a point of excellence as a man that can bring quality women into their life.

The fact remains, most men settle because they have no other choice. They remain fat, ugly, out of shape losers, with dead end jobs, living dispassionate lives, leading the same boring routines. It takes a herculean effort to overcome your own shortcomings and mental blocks on the road to success. If it was so easy, the majority of men would be enjoying success with women, whatever that's supposed to mean.

I don't mean to be a cynic, but I have to tell it like it is. And just because you have the ability to bring great women into your life, it doesn't mean you need to go from woman to woman like they're disposable. What's the value of connection if there's no potential for the long haul? The thrill of a new woman only lasts so long, and that thrill is no different from the thrill you experience with the women prior.

I think if that's the lifestyle someone wants to pursue, by all means, he should pursue that lifestyle. But just because you have the ability to be a "player", doesn't mean you have to be one, or will have the desire to live that lifestyle.

If I appreciate a woman more if I'm uncommitted to her, its a win-win situation for me. And that's how it works. Women who think you are sleeping with other women don't whine at you because you didn't do the dishes or the laundry or because you're not inviting her to expensive dinner dates.

While I know women out there that will tolerate or are open to those kinds of relationships, I also know a lot of women who would not put up with a polygamous relationship. But again, to each his own. Women who think you are sleeping with other women don't whine at you because you didn't do the dishes or the laundry or what have you, you're right. Most of them will just walk out the door and not put up with you. It's a fact that you'll have to live with.

You don't stay young forever... It's not a sustainable lifestyle over the long term...

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Relationships

Author

Good points here, gents.

I don't go into my personal views on relationships too much since they're too far out the mainstream, and I'm building a site here that's aimed to help guys all over the spectrum to improve with women.

I find that most people have very, very strongly held views on relationships, and views on relationships are mostly like views on religion -- they can't prove that what they think is true, but they really, really don't like people telling them it isn't. They want to believe.

For that reason, I try to avoid the topic of what kinds of relationships work best, and what models I'd recommend guys to follow. It's too much headache on a site like this, and I'd probably end up casting myself as some sort of far more polarizing figure than I am right now, which is not what I want.

So, primarily, I'll continue to focus here on teaching men how to do better with meeting women, and how they handle the early stages of a relationship, as well as general, common relationship problems. I'll leave the "recommending to men how to lead their entire lives" to somebody else with more tolerance for getting himself slated an outcast than I ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

getting back my ex


I had been in a relationship for four years with this particilar girl. We broke about 5 years ago. We didn't make any contact whatsoever for about 2 years after the breakup. My brother fooled around with her and didn't have the decency to not do it even though he knew we had been dating for so long. I thought I'd get back at her by leaving her for the most popular girl in school. I made a mistake. And as most guys is this not the case of regret after. So I tried dating again but it never seemed the same. I couldn't get a proper confersation going with any other girl like I could with her. Call me soft or gay but when she smiled at me I knew why I started dating her in the first place. She is beautiful,intellegent, funny and she was the only girl to ever meet my family. Somehow I felt safe around her as did she with me. I tried to get her back because I know she is the ONE. I can't ever see myself with another girl as with her. We really had a magnificent bond. She was there when I needed her. Even as a friend to talk to in times of need. Where do you find a proper girl these days that can be both a lover and a friend? It is like finding a needle in a haystack. We are on talking terms again and all is well between us. I read your article and I'm going to follow your advice and I am sure it will work. I never looked at it in the way you explained it. I really do love this girl more than anything in the universe. Will I succeed in doing the impossible or will I fail I will keep you up to date. Your truly GRIM

lucifer's picture

You never know...


Nice post, and at the same time I believe it's hard drawing lessons learned in life and social sciences because you can't live "the other life" or "other experience" you didn't go for.

Maybe you're a positive minded person who would have seen the positives of your other life as well.
And if you had stayed with her today you'd say "thank God I stayed, I have a nice job, a wonderful woman that loves me and make me happy and two amazing kids... Rather than being a lonely, selfish guy trying to fill a void with women " :)

(not saying you are, of course, just saying you'd talk about that as if you talk now about the white picketed house.. :) )

John Luke 's picture

How to get a girl back


Hey chase im having a problem

I used to be with this girl and i think i mite still have a chance because this wasnt to long ago and she said we are breaking up because of the rumors that have been going on which are not true. And the next day after spring break she said she and me are just friends but she is mean to me or talks mean and in trying to get her back but im giving her time and hopefully we are together but what steps do i need to do to get her back and want me more and i told her that i cared about her and so on but sometimes i go to her house to hang out and i really want to have a second chance, but she never told me after why she had broken up with me so thats what im trying to find out and i said you have my shoulder to her and then now im really bumbed because she was my dream and is really important to me

Anonymous's picture

this hit deep and I needed it


Hello Chase,

During my old job as a strip club manager I really hit it with this stripper, for 2-3 weeks we were laughing and talking at work. she loved how sincere, direct and unlike her customers i was and I loved the qualities she had, her body and being a stripper wasnt much to me.

We only kissed, she wanted to take it slow...i didnt mind in the beginning but not too long later I started to realize it could mean trouble.
the day we kissed I couldve gone more but I had other reasons and I didnt...I regret it everyday now.

Gradually she became more distant and aloof, we never were able to hang out again.she started saying things like "maybe I don't see her body in that way" and later "maybe we shouldn't kiss,guys get the wrong idea" and other kinds of B.S.
She always stressed that her work environment better not know anything happening between us, something I did a terrible job keeping my mouth shut about...that's when the talk about not kissing increased I think...VERY BAD!

I freaked out and started hammering her with texts and being all needy...BAD!
finally to protect myself I told her "forget it,I don't have the same feeling anymore" trying to be non-needy...SUPER BAD! :)

For two weeks we worked together but never spoken...
when we did later she mentioned an ex-boyfriend, a current boyfriend and men after her...whatever!
she was very resistant to any form of intimacy on my part. There was a lot of anger, tension and coldness that I felt.

She said to leave her alone, sharply, that she is going through stuff...but I knew she was friendlier with other workers.
she did look very down and not herself though...and her ex BFs were showing up back in her life.
anyway, next day I sent many text messages of encouragement to which she texted me to delete her number since I should respect that she is with her BF now.

After all is said and done, the next day I texted her that I got off track because she is the kind of a woman a man can lose his track around, I apologized for not being cool and for all bombarding her cell with texts, I told her I deleted her number like she asked and that now I can walk away without looking back and best of luck with her new man.

I realize now 10 days later that I could've acted differently, maybe by bedding her back when we had our only date and we kissed for starter.

By the way, I also took a break from the job since the day I sent her my last text 10 days ago, so we hadn't met since then.
that could be the only good thing I did in the last three weeks we were together.

Being non-needy and honest was what attracted her I think, but I wasn't ready for the environment and didn't know your article existed back then. When the territory became foreign to me, I stood on shaky grounds. The result, I became worried, needy and obsessed which did't help her auto-rejection, which was developing due to her feeling undesired and later rejected when I told her "I don't feel the same anymore, Take care"

I understand my record of what happened is not very clear, forgive my english.

what do you think?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: this hit deep and I needed it

Author

Hi Anon,

Man, sucks when you have it right there and then it all falls apart like that, huh? Especially when it was a girl you dig, and then you look back and see where, had you just pushed a little more and made something happen, you and her would've ended up together instead of her ending up cold and bitter and you ending up needy and chasing. Been there plenty of times myself, and it was always an ugly place to be.

At this point, you probably realize that it's more or less irreparable, at least for now. She's pretty hurt and pretty bitter, and she's seeing a guy who may even be a nice guy to rebuild her self-esteem, especially if she'd really been hoping the two of you would get together and really took it hard that you didn't.

Only thing you can do when the wound is still fresh is to give it some time to heal up. Once her emotions have cooled a bit, you can come back and come at it from a really chill place, and just be cool with her. What I've found success with in this arena is coming back both much more chill but also leading a lot more strongly and decisively. It gives girls a second wind, like, "Maybe THIS time he'll do something!" while also not giving them anything to object to (too much chasing, the two of you kissing, etc.). Then you just get them alone with you and unleash it full force on them -- passionate kissing, and moving aggressively toward the two of you getting together right then. Basically, treat it like what it is -- a ton of pent up sexual tension between the two of you that's being unleashed in one full-force, passionate encounter.

Until she cools down though and comes back around -- and how long that takes depends a lot on the girl, and how much you meant to her and thus how hard she took it -- you absolutely need to be getting other women in your life. If you go back to work, I'm sure there are other strippers there who look good -- right? They may not be as awesome as this girl, but if you bed them, she'll realize you're a guy who's not going to wait around forever.

Oftentimes, for whatever reason, letting girls see you sleeping with other girls or dating other girls seems to be the only thing that can motivate a girl who'd previously been cold or stringing you along to go, "Wait a minute -- he's not going to be waiting in the wings forever? I'd better get my ass in gear..."

Anyway, condolences on how things worked out, but it sounds like you're the kind of guy that women respond to -- and if women are getting as emotionally wrapped up in the very idea of having you and getting you as it seems this girl did, all you've got to do now is just refine it so that you're taking that attraction somewhere and closing deals and stopping girls from ending up in auto-rejection, and you'll be in real good shape.

Cheers brother,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

It hit deep and I needed it


Wow!
Superb!
I expected a reply but I didn't think it would be that thorough and to the point.
It's like somehow Chase had an overview movie clip of what happened back then.
A lot of things were as if he knew me...
I mean we all men and somewhat similar but this was more than I expected.

Thanks chase and I'll definitely recommend your products...
Not many men- err..guys- out there have what it takes to admit they need help but for the few who are humble enough to ask me^ sometimes,I'll definitely point them here.

Cheers brother and Glad I found this Site,
Best Wishes,
Anon :-)

Jules's picture

Anon...If I may add some tiny


Anon...If I may add some tiny small remark. You mentioned you did use to text a lot your lady and maybe others too. What Ive found out when texting women, is that men using emoticons (smiley faces, happy faces, surprised faced) are considered weak willed, as every "happy face" means there is some contained emotion there you could not put into words.
cheers

BoxWino's picture

Advice in regards to my recent ex (broke up one month ago)


Hey Chase,

I'd usually not post something like this out in the open but I came across your site a week or two back and since then i have grown to respect your site and really appreciate the work you do and advice you give...and I figure instead of going at it alone I'd get some more experienced advice. 

- Aloof indifferent. Shed do all the chasing.
- she had problem with relationships/labels so I took steps to allow her to get as emotionally close as she wanted.  
- once she became the woman in love she found her investments not being rewarded as much and felt that I'd be emotionally unattainable. 
- she constantly made mention that she felt id be the eternal bachelor
- she knows I have an easy time with women that I have choice and do great with girls (to the point she recommends her guy friends talk to me if they want to find a girl)
- Reached her breaking point. She felt I didn't have her best interests in mind. That she wasn't an equal in the relationship

A couple days after the break up, shed text things like ' I can't help but feel I made a mistake'

Once we met I told her in a non needy way that many of those actions and attitudes I held, in certain regards, were lame, took responsibility instead of pushing blame, let her know I do want to be with her. She knows I don't want the same relationship we had. I told her this a few times so she knows I'm sincere and have since stopped talking about it and let things be.  She also knows I flat out refuse to be her friend, and that I'll be her friend AND lover only. 

You can tell she has lots of trust issues (will I be open and honest in 2 months etc) and is basically suffering from an open wound, conflicted about things from the past and if she can trust things will be different. She's overcautious about hanging out and when we do, we do have good body language I touch her she touches me, sometimes she kisses me sometimes she doesn't. I basically mirror her and do slight pushes and be physically close while out (just the way I am) I am a huge boundary pusher to the 8th degree but respect what she's going through so I've really toned that down. 

I keep a distance and allow her to text first and chase a bit while being warmer to her and rewarding the moves she makes with attention, cutting negative topics and only keeping positive energies not discussing break up or relationship when out unless she brings up an important issue to her. I can't say I've been perfect on that front initially but a whole hell of a lot better. 

One of the recent get togethers she left sad cause she brought up the relationship, texted me: "I'm sorry I fled last night. I'm just not in a good emotional state and everything about us makes me sad. I'm just not okay with things."

I left her be. Two days later she facebooks me this: "Hey I know things on my end are not good but it hurts when you don't even text me. Just to get a friendly text at least means you're still someone I know and not just someone from my past. Last night I went to lauren's post sbux celebration. I had a delicious beer (silver city fat bastard) but I'll be honest I kept thinking about you and how we were suppose to be drinking the night away. I just wish you didn't disappear... A 'hey' would be a nice cure for missing you. "

I told her it's okay. Its hard to put what you're experiencing aside while you're healing. 

Day later she makes plans to want to hang out. 

So the question is: Do I keep an open door to contact and not pursue and keep meeting her occasionally while she is still going through her emotional state or is it best to taper off and disappear. You can tell she really does care about me deeply and in her own words would just like to be okay with everything and move on but is really locked into the hurt and bitterness she is feeling. Which I know implies space needed. But lots of space or a little is what confuses me. 

I know it'd be 10x easier to get a new girl but I do like her and would like to find out the best way to go to see if something can be really built up.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Advice in regards to my recent ex

Author

Howdy Box-

Cool name ;)

Sounds a little complicated, and not sure of the whole relationship history here, but sounds like you're the bad boy who captured her heart, then proceeded to break it, and she broke up with you, but missed the strong emotional connection she had with you, and came back asking if you'd "reform" for her.

I've had this happen with a few ex-girlfriends, and I've done the "tell her you made some mistakes and were too selfish / ignorant and let her know you want to be with her" thing as well. I've had friends who've done this too. And from what I've seen with myself and others, it usually ends up ugly... unfortunately.

What typically happens is, with the guy breaking and telling the girl he was wrong and she was right, she feels both morally justified and in-control -- he's bent and capitulated, and she's calling the shots. Her emotions begin a gradual wind-down, that start making a shift from the uncontrollable lust and passion she had for him before into a much more rational, calculating effort to get him to gradually cede control and begin investing more and more in her.

From the woman's standpoint, this is a great strategy: take a wild, sexy guy you really like and tame him into a stable long-term candidate.

From the man's standpoint, it's ugly: as you cede more and more control, you typically start feeling increasingly needy toward her and she starts feeling more and more "special." As you watch her start flaunting her independence (her emotions for you are cooling off and she's starting to feel powerful, so she starts doing stuff like going out more and partying more and often hooking up with other guys), you start chasing as she pulls away emotionally.

I put in a massive turnaround effort to reverse course once I realized this had happened with my on-again, off-again ex and I, and I eventually did restore a modicum of the intense passion and high regard she once had for me, but once she's tamed you, to some degree, it's never the same, and I ended up walking away after accepting it was changed for the worse forever.

Every guy I've seen this happen to -- all guys with lots of success with women who previously were often quite averse to being roped into the long-term stable guy role, mind you -- every one of them who stays with these girls gets beaten down. I'm not even in real contact with my friends who've gone this route anymore; they gradually submitted more and more to their girls and became increasingly alienated from me and their other guy pals.

There's an old Sinbad stand-up routine where Sinbad talks about the guy who gets settled into a relationship with a girl. He talks about how you see your friend less and less, and then one day you spot him out at the mall, standing outside a woman's clothing store holding a handbag while his girl shops inside.

"We've got to save that brother!" Sinbad shouts to his friends.

Anyway, to your original question: how to get this girl back? Two basic ways:

  • Take the long, slow approach, gradually capitulating while trying to remain attractive enough that she doesn't lose interest
  • Get her to meet up with you somewhere quiet and alone, get her attracted again, then let her chase all the way up until the point where she's tearing your clothes off. Then dial up your passion to the max and close the deal before she goes rational again and starts demanding that you tame yourself more before the two of you can be together again

Ultimately though, unless I've misunderstood / misread your situation and it's different from how I'm picturing it, things sound like they've progressed to a place with this girl where she's lost faith in the relationship and it'll be hard to restore it. You can't capitulate and you can't become someone else if you want her to retain her respect for you as a man in a long-term relationship. All you can do is take her as your lover again and try to remind her why those emotions she has for you were so strong to begin with. Maybe next time she won't be so quick to want to leave.

But my best advice for you would be... it's time to move on. Trying to glue the pieces back together's a lot harder and produces a lot uglier finished product than just molding a brand new vase from scratch, and making sure not to break that one ;)

Best,
Chase

steff's picture

She want you back, she just don't know it yet!


So I was going through a rough patch with my boyfriend, and out of frustration of trying arguing with him all the time, I was wondering what will it be like if I were to explore outside our relationship.

He's my second bf and my first didn't really count cos it was a very short lived. I was thinking "what if"....even though I still care very much for my bf. You know, like if only I can sorta "freeze" him and then come back if I didn't like what I found outside. I know that's impossible but that's how I felt at that time.

So trust me, just let her do some thinking to clear her mind. It's really not as bad you thought. It's a girl thing :)

Anonymous's picture

Starting the Healing?


Chase, if you had a girl that has stopped responding to emails, texts etc, how would you begin a turnaround with her? Is there any initial message you would suggest to send, or if you knew you could see her in person somewhere, ie. place of work, would you be that bold in doing so?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Girl who stopped responding

Author

Hey Anon,

Well... that depends.

If she's a former lover or girlfriend, showing up at her workplace might be okay provided she had strong enough feelings for you. If the two of you were just casual lovers, it feels a bit much.

If the two of you haven't gone to bed yet, showing up at her workplace is far too much effort for a girl you haven't been intimate with, and will scare most girls. Instead, send her a text saying, "Hey Carole, sorry if I've been ignoring you lately; been super busy. How's life been? Anyway, let me know your schedule this week / next week -- let's grab a drink and catch up."

If she doesn't reply to that, she isn't interested or has moved on if you two were once an item, and it's time to go meet some new women and start fresh.

Best,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

If I just started talking to


If I just started talking to my ex of 5 years again, how should I go about reestablishing a connection with her? We get along great in every way, but because we haven't seen each other a lot since we broke up a half a year ago and so much happened, it's really really weird when we are around each other. I think we feel like we should feel closer than we do because we're so close friends. But when together physically, it's not how we think it should be...

It always gets better towards the end of being with each other. After 5 hours, things feel much better. But we don't live near each other, so it's not like I can convince her to spend a whole weekend with me...but I don't want to meet up for 3 hours and have the entire time be awkward and not fun...

How can I get around this? Help?

Holliday's picture

My ex


I came across this website today and I like what i see.
With that being said, I seek your advice on a matter i think you would be able to handle perfectly.
So my ex and i have been official for 4 months (I know her for a year when i pulled her in a club).
Just last week saturday, we were at a club. After i left at 2, she stayed with her friend till 4. We've been having arguments for weeks. Things seemed fine after that night but on monday i see on Facebook that some dude i introduced her friend to, had added her on Fb and bbm but not her. We fought about it, broke up on tuesday then got back together. Then yesterday she calls me and tells me she likes him. (She knows him for a week). She says "He's nice". The guy even visited her at work, she only told me yesterday.
Now, I plan on walking away. However, how would one go about messing things up for him? Or wanted her back?
ps. I regret what i did when i found out. Went crazy over the phone and mailed him "Good luck with my ex, she likes you. Oh and she gave me head yesterday"

Anonymous's picture

Don't ForGET THIS


YOUR MOST IMPORTANT STATEMENT IN THIS WHOLE THING IS THIS

Lots of guys -- especially guys who are starting out -- tend to get caught up in this romantic notion of selfless sacrifice, of the purity of a girl, of her being too innocent or conservative or the kind of girl who would "never go for that" or "never do that."

TREAT THEM LIKE ANY OTHER FIRGGEN WOMAN!!! NEVER FORGET!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous's picture

Too Good


If there were any truths in the world, which GOD would've told any prophet, It WOULD HAVE BEEN THIS ARTICLE. IT IS A TESTAMENT OF GOD, IT IS TRUE, follow it like you do your bible

Gaber's picture

I desperately try and get her back but nothing's working


Hey Chase! Just like many guys here, I would like to thank you for all the great advice you give. I have had a problem for well over two years. This involves a girl i am interested in. I had earlier read your article on chasing women and why it wasnt good and i have to admit that was what I did. I know this sweet girl her name is Dyan. I have always had an eye for her ever since she starting coming to my school a year ago. Anyhow she used to respond to my facebook messages and texts etc. After a few months she got tired i guess and deleted me from Facebook. after she did that i got real sad and she didnt talk to me for well over a year. now tonight i find out that she also blocked me on facebook =( well to my utter grief, ( shes goes to my school, is in my classes) kinda awkward circumstances. i want to know how i can regain her trust again and her friendship. any suggestions would be appreciated. its just so hard. should i talk to her at all? is she annoyed? would it be a good idea to ask her what she didnt like? Am I risking a lot by asking her? thanks Chase.

How to get your ex back's picture

Wow


Hey,

Just wanted to say that this is an amazing piece you have written on how to get your ex back. I have similar articles on my site but this one is a monster I must admit. Good work.

E's picture

messed up and chased what can i do?


2 been together for 2 year and everything was going great, i killed it every single day and all was great. the last few months i started to get back into other women and had less time to see the girl i am seeing. so she got really sick and went to the hospital i was at work at the time so i didnt go see her. when i got off she was still at the hospital she lives 3 hours away from my work so i didnt end up going cause also it was late. after that she stayed home for a month and only went to see her once cause she was 2 hours away.... at that point she didnt seem happy around me. we had one date and go into a fight on the phone she ended it. i really cared and i chased i went to see her the next day and she said i shouldnt of come i tryed to sweet talk her and she broke into tears saying she worked so hard for my love and i never showed it... i said i am showing it now and she said too late. i kept trying to chase and it didnt help cause it never does and i knew that but my feelings go the better of me. she still was texting me once in awhile i did the same. she wanted to be friends, but i turned her down and told her we need space. that was 3 weeks ago she hasnt texted me since i asked her not too. i still want her back but i have control over myself now. how long is too long to wait? and do i still have a chance? i need help with this cause i never loved a girl before like this just sleep around. any good advise chase???

Hall's picture

How To Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back


Hey Chase,

great article. This comment should, however, work as a reminder to put up the aforementioned, more- specific "how to get your girlfriend back" post. Thanks in advance, keep up the good work.

BallerK's picture

Can u help me out man?


hey chase im from Aruba ive met this girl online we flirted texted eachoter everything, we start talking on the phone ,we even got intimate on the phone like 4 times everytime we talk she calls me sexy names and stuff, but one time i got jealous i little bit cause ive seen her talk to this guy , and sinds then she went cold on me , she doesnt tet me like she did before..she barely does right now its like if i dont talk to her she won't talk back..what should i do man tnx for talking your time to read my post ;)

corey t's picture

PLZZ help me


ok i don't know where to start so im just gonna say i need help im in love with this girl but we have had a really hard relayshinship and im gonna need a guy thats really good with women to look at the sitition and tell me what to do to get her back we just broke up i think i made it to ez for her to be with me like when she cheated for example i always forgave her and i never even got to sleep with her myself becueses we were forbiden to even talk i know she loves me too we was togather for 2 years so that shows that she does i just need som1 too look at things and give me some help if som1 can help i will give u access to my facebook and stuff so u can see how we acted and get a better idea of what went wrong i would do anything to be with this girl and i chased her a bit but i stoped when i saw it was not working we are still friends so i can talk to her but idk what to say to get her back but i wass really sweet to her and thats y i think i made it to ez plus we broke up one time before i got with this other girl and sudleny she was jeoluss and wanted me back but after she got me back she lost intrest

sausalito's picture

How to get an Ex Girlfriend Back


Chase...awesome article. I went out with a girl for a year and some months..where we were both in love. Career paces did not match, and she said she wanted to explore elsewhere. Pulled out all the stops, before dialing it own to keeping in touch about once a week. since then I actually have a plan in life and wanted to share it with her. Last I talked to her she said she is dating again. Heart. Broken. I admit, I think I gave her a little too much power there and should have cut it off immediately. Anyway, after hearing that, and yeah, gushing and professing love again on that phone call - I haven't called since. Not for Xmas or new years. My business school applications are due and she knows that. But I wonder how you do a turnaround? Yes, I want this girl. I'm not going to say she's the one. But I will say I've never felt like this with anyone else. Hope you put this article up soon! Thanks a lot for all you do!

Dave's picture

Please help me Chase, You're my only hope


Hey Chase,

I was in a dilemma where this girl I was really into gave me not just one but several chances to bed her but I didn't because of temporary physical reasons. I think she's amazing and I haven't stopped think about her since. She was almost like obsessed with me too at the time but now she is so cold with me and will hardly even give me the time of day anymore. I'm pretty sure that I hurt her really bad but there wasn't anything I could do about it. Months later I still haven't been able to win her back over because I've been chasing her. I know I'm going about it all wrong but it only makes sense when the reason she is cold is because she felt rejected like I didn't really want her so I try to make up for it by showing her I really do want her but it's backfiring. What should I do? I hope she isn't scarred. Should I just put it out there and tell her I know why she's acting cold and apologize for not sleeping with her or should I completely ignore it, give her a couple months and try a new, fresh, start? I can't let this one go so I gotta make sure I play my cards right. Thanks.

trailslayer's picture

advice on a sexy girl I'm dating


hey chase,
First of all, I must say thanks for your insights and all the great information that this website is packed with, I come here frequently and there is always some great new article to read. I think the reason this stuff works so well is because its simple and based on human psychology, after I read most of this stuff I end up smacking myself in the forehead thinking "yeah, ive definitely done that before!" they are such simple mistakes but most guys have never been taught how to attract a women or simply communicate with them properly. So thanks bro, you have helped my confidence improve dramatically!
Now, question....I recently decided to man up and ask out this amazing woman who up until now I have had strictly a business relationship with.
we've gone on three dates, so far so good. the second date ended up with us back at her place snuggling and getting close, the third date I had her at my place next to a fire with even more snuggling and cuddling
sounds good right! well, whenever she gives me that "look" I lean in for the kiss she lets me put my lips on hers but she does'nt put in any effort to kiss me back, she doesnt pull away or flinch like my breath stank...Is it possible hat she doesnt like to kiss in general!? every thing else is mint, we touch, we hold hands, I run my hands along her thighs...Im just baffled by the kissing thing. I brush and floss religiously and have a real healthy mouth, so what gives? also, she wears a ring on her left hand ring finger and I KNOW for a fact she is not married, but she just got out of a serious relationship about eight months ago so I'm thinking maybe they are just on hiatus but maybe she digs me too and she's confused as to who she wants to be with...I have no basis for this just speculation on my part.
So chase, what say you?

bxhenry17's picture

I Messed up BIG time, Can this be Fixed Chase?


So I met this girl off a dating site. we started hitting it off from emails to texting then to phone calls. It was really good, i couldn't even believe there was a girl out there like this. We like all the same things and it was perfect. So she loved all my photos, we chatted on the webcam and she Liked what she saw and we spoke about having sex. She aske me "How tall are you" I fibbed and I said i'm short 5'4-5'3 ish..I am really 5'2 not much of a difference in my head because she's only 5'1. So after spending like 5 weeks on the text and phone for hours per day. We seem damm near inseparable. we set a date to finally meet and I forgot about the whole height thing. She's having all this anxiety before the meet up, So we see eachother and give a big hug and we kiss on the lips. (Good so far). We go to dinner and we are having a blast, laughing and talking. So we go to the movies and we still having a good time. We walk to a bar to have some drinks and she mentioned.. "your not 5'4, why didn't you say something before we met, why did you lie", I brushed it off and said we are about the same size in height so I didn't think it would be a big deal. So date ends, we make out and I go home. I didn't hear from her for about 3 days and I finally got it out of her what was up. It was because of the small lie, I didn't think would of matted. She told me it left a bad taste in her mouth! and shes probably wondering what else I was lying about. I said sorry and it was really stupid of me to lie but It's only 2 inches and i havn't lied about anything else. it's not like I showed up and I was purple or I said I was 6 feet tall and showed up 4'0. So I'm getting freezed out is there a fix for this or just leave it alone because the damaged is already done?

Mark's picture

Can I fix this one?


Hey Chase, great article btw and very informative. I'll try and keep this as short as I can, but basically I work with this girl. Worked with her since March of 2011, but never really started talking since the summer. We started talking a bit more and even hanging out (in groups at first) then eventually texting. She was pretty resistant to go out alone with me at first, but I kept my cool and eventually she started inviting me out. Come September we made out one night (and various other times afterwards), but things got awkward the next couple of weeks at work, but she'd still text me anyway. So I knew she was just shy. Then fast forward to December and she really started showing more interest in me, even confiding in her friends. November till beginning of January she pretty much texted or called me everyday. She is insecure, though, due to a traumatic past with a couple Ex's. I learned this from her friends.

Anyway, then came the night on New Years day when she invited me to "crash" at her place after being at a bar with her. The genius that I am, I didn't have the rubber on me and we were already naked lol. But we still fooled around and just ended up cuddling/talking all night. The next day we hung out and things weren't awkward or anything. So then a couple days after she asked me to come over because she needed to talk to me. So I get to her place and we start talking. Then she mentions how she knows how I told people how I like her, I didn't deny it, and she brings up the whole relationship thing. She basically said how she is in school, has no time, etc. I was a little disappointed I'll admit, but I just told her that's fine and lets just go with the flow. She didn't want to talk anymore so we just went to sleep, but after about 20 minutes we start fooling around and get naked again, but I was just so nervous and confused that I couldn't do anything (I know stupid me). We still ended up cuddling/talking for a bit too, but I just feel like an idiot because I couldn't do anything. That's where I feel like I screwed up. But I see her the next day and things are okay. We still talked and text for a few days, until one day 3 weeks ago she completely ignored me at work, but then text me later on at night apologizing for it. I told her it was fine and we ended up joking around back and forth like we usually do.

But then she went back to being distant again and now it's been like this for the past few weeks, yet, she still talks about me just not to me. Last week was bad because on Monday we left work together and she just wasn't open to a kiss (as we usually kissed each other goodnight). I felt embarrassed the next day and couldn't talk to her, but once again, she still talked about it to a friend who mentioned it to me. Saying what happened, and she noticed how I ignored her all day, but I thought she was ignoring me lol. So then came last Friday. I didn't get a chance to talk to her at work, so I text her just saying how there is some miscommunication between us and I'd just like to clarify a few things when she gets a chance. I wanted to avoid the "we need to talk", because that would just scare her off. She asked if I could explain over text, but I said I'd rather do it in person. Then asked if I was free yesterday. I suggest we meet, but she gave me a maybe due to work. So I told her that's fine and just let me know when she is down to talk. She said okay, but then texted me once again at like 2 in the morning asking if I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't and just rather explain in person. But I haven't heard back from her and I'm not sure what to do. I obviously want to talk to her and just deal with all this confusion right now, but it just seems hard to get her to come out. Does she need time or something? I'm not pressuring her or anything. I should also mention that when we are at work there is tension when we talk and she even goes out of her way to avoid me at times. It's like we can't say no more than 2 words to each other, yet as soon as I'm talking to another girl or guy at work, she'll be staring me down.

When I look back at the past couple weeks I feel like an idiot and I know I should avoid talking to her about problems and feelings, but I also just feel bad walking away, because of how her Ex's treated her. I just don't want to come off as an asshole for seeing other women, although lately at work I'm just making all the girls laugh again and having fun, as hard as it is on me. I've been slowly getting my confidence back again which makes me feel good...Any advice though on what to do with her?

Anonymous's picture

do you think i can fix this one?


i dated a girl i met for like week and a half, everything went well , i teased her and we had really great time , we kissed touched , and i even slept at her place once , but we didnt have sex.
in the day after she started to back off, she wasnt sure about us anymore.
in my stupidity i chased her, even came over to her place once , called texted but not too often like every couple of days, yesterday i tried to see her but she wasnt interested.
well i wonder if i have any chance to get her back .
i already started to date other women , and i usually dont have any problem with women, its the first time im in this kind of situation
really want her back !
any suggestions ?

Trey's picture

Long term girl


Hi Chase,

I have long been a fan of your blogs and your systematic approach to dating. I am now in my late 30's and let me tell you being able to date the quality women I want is getting easier with age -- maybe it is increased confidence, job security, experience, or just something primal about the age equation- in your twenties and early thirties women absolutely have the power of choice but over time the balance definitely shifts.

Despite this, I have in the past few years gotten myself into dangerous territory --- a long term, long distance relationship. Clearly if I accepted your theory of 'absolute abundance' a long distance relationship makes no sense. But in short, I am convinced this girl is my soul mate. Ha ha, but true. We were in a two year relationship during which she demanded to get married and I couldn't go through with it. It devolved into me breaking up with her and starting to date other people, and I found back in San Diego where I live there were women falling out of the sky. But no one held a candle to long-distance girl (LDG). LDG was absolutely chasing me during this period, telling me that we were meant to be together and she had realized her mistakes. Her persistence paid off and after a few months I broke up with the girl I had been seeing locally and called LDG to tell her I loved her and wanted to be with her.

Well, you might predict what happened - the tables turned and very quickly she was giving me the Heisman. ;) Now she is on Match and dating other people and tells me she has found a new guy who “treats her right” but hasn’t slept with him yet. I fully understand the need to refrain from chasing her which is guaranteed to push her away. I also understand the need to gently coax her, and to do this not over email or phone but in person. The problem is the long distance. How do I even arrange a meeting without it coming across as a “chase?” since any face-to-face contact involves me flying out. I have thought about just declaring to her that I will be coming out next weekend to visit her and if she has some time for coffee or dinner to catch up that would be great. But the fact I am flying out definitely makes this into a chase. I travel occasionally for work so maybe I could tag the visit onto the back end of normal work travel. Or, given the intensity of her past feelings for me, do I just go balls out and show up in town – that is certainly my impulse?

Anyway, would love to hear your opinion on this. And yes, I realize the first and best advice is probably to heed the warning to never, ever, EVER get involved in a long distance relationship.

Trey

Josue's picture

girlfriend post


Hey chase just reminding you if you could post a " how to get your girlfriend back" guide ASAP, readers like me would greatly appreciate it. Me and my girlfriend are technically still going out, but i feel as if i have messed things up so much that she is already out the door. i feel as if her interest level has dropped below a 50%, she does not call me as often and she is starting to make excuses to not go out such as " i am too tired", or for reasons for not talking on the phone " i am busy".
Thanks Chase for all your helpful insight and your help would be greatly appreciated.
-Josue

tushar's picture

get a girl back


Hi Chase,

I met this girl on facebook couple of months back. I really liked her photos. I started sending her texts. During initial days i used to get reply after 2-3 days, later it became more frequent. A stage came when she started sending me messages. Then we fixed a time when we would be online so that there is interactive discussion. After some discussion with her i came to know that she had a boyfriend for 5 years, had a breakup almost 4 years back. Recently she liked one guy who was never interested in her and that's why she used to be in depression. She used to tell me that she started feeling better because of me. After chatting for 10 days, i felt she is interested in me(i had my recent photos on FB). She gave me her mobile number. We both used to talk for almost 5-6 hours a day and we both shared lot many things. Though she knew that her family might be an issue(since we belong to different communities) she believed that we would still get married. We started giving commitments to each other. She used to fell restless if i didn't talk to her. We used to talk until 2:00 am
One fine day, after talking over phone for 18 days, we decided to met. She said if you look almost 60% of the photos you are accepted and she believed that looks didn't matter to her. At the same time she was scared if i reject her.
We met on a neutral venue. Looking at her reaction at first i felt she didn't like me. I was also sloppy and may be didn't had good clothes on me. After spending some time she said i am not liking you and it's NO from my side. I was literally shocked because i don't look different than my photos and she said me before that looks doesn't matter to her. After asking her, she said looks doesn't matter but there should be atleast something in a guy to get a good feeling.

After that we left the place. I tried to call her next day and tried to discuss on the date, she said if you want to discuss on that topic, i don't want to talk to you. You can talk to me as a friend, she said.

Since i had the habbit of calling her whenever i get some free time, i called her but she didn't receive my call on the same day. When i called her next day, she talked on neutral topics for 20 mins and said she has to leave back home(from her office).

Yesterday i tried to call her, she didn't receive my call.

Please let me know what to do next. I am very desperate for her and want her in my life.

Thanks

Anonymous's picture

Was wondering if you could


Was wondering if you could help me with this one...I have been friends with a girl for a long time. She's always had interest in me and I just kept her on the back burner all these years. A few months ago I began spending more time with her and soon realized just how strong my feelings were for her. We had great chemistry as we shared the same sense of humor, same interests, but also challenged each other to be better people.
We have been with each other intimately before but she had never stayed the night. She had made plans to stay the night after we went to a party together but, she drank a little too much and simply passed out when we got back to my place. That morning she told me how embarrassed she was but, I was hungover and was in no mood to talk. She took this as me being upset with her. Things worsened after I worked long shifts over the next few days and made little effort to contact her and gave her short responses to her texts. One night after work she texts me asking if it was over with her because of what had happened after the party. I explained I've been busy and just haven't had time to talk much. So, we then made plans to get together the next day but she bails. From there things went down hill until one day I asked for her to explain her mixed signals. She tells me we are different but should remain friends. Having been in this position before, I knew that would not be the best thing to do and told her I could not stay friends with her because of how I felt about her. I severed the ties.
Weeks later she contacts me, apologizing for everything but I tell her not to bother being sorry, what happened happened. I realized my mistake and apologized for my behavior. She tells me we need to catch up and asks to get together but I decline because I'm busy. When I asked her to meet up with me, she declines for whatever reason. This has gone on for 2 months. Last week I texted her telling her I miss hanging out with her and I've been thinking about her a lot lately. She says I owe her drinks when she gets back from her business trip.
Any advice as what to do about this situation would be appreciated. Thanks!

Luka's picture

Master Chase , i think i went too far , please help me out .


i think i went too far with this girl i met one night , she was drunk and high and so was I , but we had a nice time dancing and drinking together , i was respectful , charming and flirting with her all night , she seemed to enjoy it as she was laughing at my jokes and compliments almost non stop , in other words a pleasant night and dialogue . I asked her nicely if she wants to crash at my place as it was about time to leave , and she said maybe another time , because i have to give a ride home to my friends since they didnt have a car , though i managed to get her phone no . The problem is i think i went too far with texting her and i kinda messed it up because i think i rushed the whole thing up , and i have the impression i kinda sounded easy to get , in need and a lil a bit obnoxious unfortunately . My whole deal was to make sure she knows that i wasnt really looking at her as an easy slut who would come with me the first night we met , but that i am genuinely and seriously interested in her , and i mean it , thats why i wana get her back ...otherwise i couldnt care less .... as you can probably tell Master , it sounds like I've just had a huge crush on someone :) i really need your help.... But you said something that got me kinda confused , you said : '' Under any circumstance dont chase her ''. then you moved on to the other points to say , make her jealous , start gradually being the opposite of who you were , so Im wondering , if you are saying we are supposed to stop chasing and thinking about them , then how are we supposed to make them jealous if we are not around them basically , many many thanks in advance . I'm extremely new to your website and I already believe you are doing a great job on helping us out , thank you .

Frank's picture

Great article dude. Genuine,


Great article dude. Genuine, realistic, solid. I had a crush on this one girl when i was a teenager in my neighborhood. A few years later we slowly got reacquainted through social encounters and other friends. And we were always at arms length with each other over the years, seeing each other at one place or another. At one point I thought about asking her out but she always had a boyfriend and I never did think she liked me. Then we lost touch again. Recently I'm finding out throughout all those years, she really liked me a lot and brought me up all the time, but I never saw it or knew at the time. Now i want her back...for good. But where do i start? The quest begins.

Anonymous's picture

Need some advice on this one.


There's this girl that I work with who's a good few years older than me. I'm in my twenty's and she's in her thirty's. When she first met me she was pretty much head over heals for me. We ended up seeing each other for a couple of months and she started developing strong feelings for me,but at the time I wasn't interested in having anything more than just sleeping with her. Time past and she started asking if anything more was going to happen between us and I basically rejected her not knowing I had made a big mistake as I soon realized I had developed strong feelings for her. I tried getting her back into liking me as I now want a relationship with her. But by this time I was to late,the damage had already been done. I had taken to long,and now she's completely switched off towards me and is as cold as ice. I made the mistake of basically begging for a second chance with her,but that didn't work. What can I do to get her back??

Anonymous's picture

Need help big time and asap!!


Hey so there's this girl I met through my buddy and his girlfriend and she's really good person, we text back and forth she came by my buddies house to watch the hockey game then about a month after my birthday which her and my friends surprised me she paid for my food which was really nice of her. She had tried to come to my buddies birthday but could not cuz she got a flat tire and she was gonna pay for his cake. I talked to her the next day, she said I would have to make my special drinks one day and I responded with ya for sure, then I told her when her semester is done that I would make them, oh and I forgot to tell you she is 20, at the same time she goes to college so which I know how busy students get.. Anyway we have been communicating back and forth usually on weekends talking about things we like.

I tried inviting her out to my buddies girlfriends birthday event which was out of the city, but cancelled due to complications, so they had decided to change plans, I had text her that day told her what happened, and explained to her that I would let her know what’s about to happen at night. So about three or four hours later they wanted to go to the movie’s so I let her know that they want to go to the movies and it was a late movie, she said she has to baby sit her sisters kid, this here happened last month two weeks before her birthday, to me sounds like she’s not interested or is not comfortable with me yet.

I went to her birthday at the end of last month at a pub last week I meet most of her friends that night, Then she came to an event the day after, were both hungover the next day. She wanted to bring two of her closest friends one is gay the other a girl, I heard about this through my buddies girlfriend hours before I went to her birthday party, but they couldn't get in cuz they ran outta tickets, first off what does that mean when you bring friends? Now she does not respond to my text, what does this mean? Or what have I done or haven't done? I've been talking to this girl for four months but three outta the four months she's been in school so once again I know how busy it gets... I really need your help on this one. PLEASE ASAP!!!!

josh 's picture

dumped


Hey chase , quick question. I wrote my gf a letter apologizing for hurting her and said what i would do to fix the problems weve been having. She wrote me one back saying its to late i should have done it before yada yada. I have givin her space for over a week since the breakup, but im wondering if i can recover after she gave me this goodbye note. I havent responded to her about it. THANK YOU BUDDY

Anonymous's picture

ex girlfriend I've been split up with for 1 and a half years


Hey chase, i really need your help/advice, i was with a girl for 2 years and we split up, she left cause supposedly i was lazy and just about every other reason you said that women leave their men over in you article, after we split...for the next month or so she would text me and say that she missed me and didn't wanna leave to begin with but couldn't handle it anymore cause our relationship had become exhausting, several times after that she would tell me she wanted to try again but then would change her mind thenext couple days which had me chase her like a puppy, about 2 months after we split she ends up with another bf and finds out i have another gf and suddenly wants to try and make things work again, we started talking again for month and a half and i find out something she was doing and she started hating me and being really harsh towards me, it stayed like that until about 5 months ago when i seen her and she was nice to me, we text every now and then but she said she doesn't want me, we still talk sometimes and shes with a guy now, anyways i never stopped loving her
and wanna be with her more than u can imagine, its been about 1 and a half years since we split now, what do i do???....my name is chase too by the way

Nicholas.C's picture

I need some advice on this issue.


Hi Chase, great advice you have there but I was wondering what should I do when my girlfriend breaks up with me because:

1. I treated her too well, she feels stressed. (I dunno what this means either)

2. She told me her career is her sole priority (She just got a first job a month ago, pretty busy schedule.)

3. Our lifestyle is different (I can't understand this part either)

There was no hate in this relationship, I really enjoyed us, she told me she enjoyed us too.. She tells me I'm a great boyfriend to have and she asks me to go for other girls. (I'm guessing work stress)

So, I don't want to lose her.
So I've tried calling her and texting her.
She didn't reply nor did she answer my calls.
So as I was a little lost I ended up sending her long messages of how much I want to be with her, told her how I would support her no matter what.
She was my best friend, and we both thought it was a great idea to actually step up to the next stage.

So we officially started dating 3 weeks ago in which she just gotten her first job as a fashion stylist for TV shows.
All was well (Other than the fact we seldom communicate when she is at work (Which I don't mind)).
Her working hours are very packed, Mondays to Sundays from 6am to 12am.
Even on off days she has to use her free time to go to shopping complexes to look for sponsors for those TV shows.

I supported her throughout, I drove to her workplace to bring her out for lunch.
Sometimes i'd follow her out to shopping complexes to help her out with her sponsor hunts.
I bought her a little bear with chocolate flowers to surprise her at work.

So, this is basically all there is, no I don't want to lose her.
I've been through a bad break up few years back, she was the one that was by my side throughout.

It's because of her that my emotions are well stabilized.
After 9 years of friendship, both of us finally decided that we can go into a serious relationship.

Please I need some advice, I don't want to lose her.
Help!

P.S I'm sorry if my English is bad. I'm from Malaysia.
and I am really hoping to be with her.

Will's picture

I need to get her back, i'm having trouble moving on without her


Hey Chase, i just read your advice tips. It's all great but i need some serious tips on how to get this one girl back.

We were dating and in a long distance relationship together for just over five months and things were going good, we texted eachother everyday from morning till night and were webcamming everyday when we could until her laptop broke just over a month ago. She was always constantly talking about me and how much she liked me to all her friends too. In my oppinion i hounestly thought things were great between us, we had our issues, some minor and sometimes but very rarely we got in fights where she'd get mad at me & we'd still talk but she wouldn't say much to me & had her mind set on how she feels no matter what i did or said to her. Things weren't bad besides not being able to see eachother on a daily basis. I mean we were so close and there was no hate, if there was then we'd always work things out, i was also always there for her through all her problems and i'd be there to cheer her up.
Here's my situation though, out of the blue just a couple days ago she broke up with me. She was telling me she couldn't handle the distance and kept saying things like she didn't think we were meant to be together, we were too different and that she was thinking of the future and for herself. (her friend also mentioned she sounded stressed) and just recently she said she needs a week or so to have some space and be alone, i'm not sure why but she seemed like she'd just suddenly changed after one day. Then i find out a few days ago from one of her girl friends that she's with someone else, a guy friend of hers that's a year older then me. Some people might not understand but we've still had alot of good times together and she made me feel wanted and appreciated, she was what got me through the days, kept my emotions intact and kept me from feeling distressed and upset. When i could i'd shower her in gifts as well. I haven't yet but i've also been debating whether or not to tell her how i feel and send her a long message of how much i want her back. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get her back and i really do not want to lose her so please i need some serious advice on how to get her back! It would be greatly appreciated if you could get back to me ASAP.

Shontelle's picture

A Dream Within A Dream Take


A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

Geeky's picture

My Girl friend Avoiding me Completely


We were loving and spending time together hanging outside. She proposed me at the age of 18... For 7-8 months our love was fine and we never had any small fights also. My age is 23 and am working. Suddenly she stopped responding me... She started telling few lies and AVOIDING me... After 3-4 months of continuos effort only I came to know that... She started feeling some difference in me itseems... She doesn't like to even talk with me... She is not telling any reason why she is AVOIDING me... This hurts me badly... So, I stopped contacting her... I can only feel she is Very ANGRY with me and I dono reason behind it... I will be telling everything openly with her... We never had a small fight also... But she keeps something in mind and Avoiding me completely... She is now 19 yrs old... I stopped contacting her...
Is their any way to get her back?
Or shall I forget her....
Please Advice.

Anonymous's picture

Help needed urgently!


Hey, really nice article, it really helped me rethink my whole situation in a different way.
There is this girl that i like that i think is perfect, we started talking, i asked her out a few times, she politely declined. Then i asked her out on V day, after which she really freaked out, but i was able to get the situation under control at that time. I casually asked her out later and she did come to meet me, it was really great back then.
We did go out a couple of times, she really warmed up to me and we hit it off.
I was trying not to be too aggressive since i started out wrong, also meanwhile i didnt realize that i was not being too appreciative of her making her feel unwanted.
Also she was receiving some abusive mails from an ex, i went ahead and scold the guy, she appreciated it, but i guess i discussed it too many times with her which upset her so she became distant and stopped responding to my texts.
Call it bad luck but i saw her with some other guy at the same time when she was upset with me,she was trying to ignore me.
I acted a little needy, bombarded her with texts, then i told her "I dont know why she was acting so weird!!" also asked her to set me up with someone (BAD)...
I tried being cute but she flipped out. I maintained minimum contact with her for 2 weeks, later i called her and offered to help her, she responded nicely, also as i was leaving town for a couple of months, i asked her to meet me, but she declined.
She is still responding to my calls, but i guess i shouldnt push too hard otherwise she may stop responding.
Too many things have gone wrong, what do you think i should do, if i want her back?

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