The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back
Friday, 12 August 2011
The most frequent email I get from readers is of the very gracious, magnanimous variety, with readers reaching out to say thanks for writing your blog, your book, etc., and sharing perhaps some of the successes that have come from, in part, applying what they've learned from my materials.
But hands down the second most frequent email I get is the one that reads something akin to this:
“Hi Chase, I've been reading your site and I wish I'd come across it sooner. You see, there's this girl I like, and I guess I didn't move fast enough with her, because now she's cold and distant and I don't know what to do. Is there anything you can recommend I do to turn it around?”
I get about 2 or 3 of these emails a week. And as traffic to this site continues rising, I'm confident the number of them coming in will only increase.
And I commiserate. I've been there lots of times; watching a girl you really liked shut down and go cold on you when formerly it seemed like she was yours for the picking is maddening, gut-wrenching, and about as big a sucker punch as you can get. It's awful.
So, I want to lay it down here today, for all those guys out there pulling their hair out like I used to -- a complete guide on how to get a girl back.
An Ounce of Prevention's Worth a Pound of Cure
First let me start by saying that if you're trying to get a girl back, that already tells me you dropped the ball in a big way the first time around. Forgive the directness there.
From everything I've seen, there are three main root causes for men losing women:
- She started feeling like you didn't want her. This one's probably the biggest one, believe it or not, and it happens before you've slept with a girl if you don't get her to bed fast enough, and it happens after you've slept with a girl if you start ignoring her or making her feel unwanted or unappreciated.
In other words, if you're lovers and you started ignoring her, that's why you've lost her. If you're not lovers and you didn't become lovers fast enough, on the other hand, that's why you've lost her.
- She started feeling hurt or insulted by you. This one's common with guys who are jerks, and with guys who are trying to shake off their "nice guy" mantles and end up going too far.
If you tease a girl in a less-than-smooth way, you can veer too far to the other side of the spectrum and end up insulting her, instead. This is like the guy thinking, "So where'd you get that dress, at the Salvation Army?" is teasing, when actually it's more like a slap in the face. Make a girl feel bad around you too much, and she'll get scarce faster than you can say, "Whoops, my bad."
- She started feeling like it was too easy with you. I'd imagine most of the guys reading this blog have moved away from doing this, but if you're newer it still might be the case. If you chased after a girl too much, came across as nervous or needy, or went out of your way trying to "prove yourself" to her, there's a very, very good chance that she started feeling like it was too easy with you -- which must mean, she assumes, that she's out of your league. At that point, of course, she's certainly not going to want anything further and will cool off toward you dramatically.
Regardless which one it was -- whether she ended up feeling unwanted, she ended up feeling insulted, or she ended up feeling it was too easy -- she pulled away and started viewing you in a much more negative light than she originally did.
If it was the first two, she's in auto-rejection; if it was the latter, she's feeling like you're a bit too needy or too much of a nice guy for her.
Either way, the damage is done, and it's going to be a heck of a slog trying to undo it.
It can be done... sometimes. But I want to throw this disclaimer out there first:
Trying to get back a girl you've lost is like trying to save a dinner you've burnt, or take back an insult you've slung, or fix a vase you've broken. It's possible, but it's not going to be easy. Not at all.
It's about 1000 times easier to learn simply to NOT burn dinner, NOT insult people, and NOT break vases... and not cause women to run away, either, than it is to continually be trying to get back women you've lost.
But, unfortunately, even for the most talented guys out there, sometimes dinner still gets burnt, sometimes an insult still slips out, sometimes your elbow still catches a vase, and sometimes you still mess up with a girl you like and have to watch her run away, and it's worth knowing how to turn things around when you do end up in that scenario.
That said, I'm of the mind that for every hour you spend trying to raise a sunken ship, you ought to spend ten hours learning how to sail ships without sinking them.
Otherwise, you're just going to keep plowing into icebergs, again and again.
So, let's talk turnarounds and lets talk how to get girls back, but don't forget that the most important thing for you to learn is how to get girls to begin with and how not to lose them in the first place.
The Girl I Got Back
Back in 2006, there was a girl I really, really liked... and I blew it with her. She was beautiful, intelligent, and full of life in a way that few women ever are. And I moved way too slow (we're talking months here), I mishandled everything, and when I finally got her on our first date, I showed up dressed sloppily, I took her on a terrible date, and I even managed to blow it even worse at the very end of the date. Talk about ending on a high note...
... but, as fate would have it, the two of us were already booked on a tour abroad together, along with a buddy of mine, and despite this girl literally getting away from me every chance she got at the outset of the tour, snapping at me, and even being rude to me after I saved her life when she stepped out into traffic directly in front of a semi-truck barreling down the road and I yanked her back out of harm's way, I managed to turn things around, and I bedded her halfway into the trip.
My pal was ecstatic. He couldn't believe I pulled off the turnaround. He was walking to our hotel room just as I exited from hers across the hall, and he saw me stumble out of the room, clothes a mess, belt dangling loosely down from my unzipped pants because we thought her roommate was coming back and I had to get out of there, and my pal saw me and started whooping and hollering at the top of his lungs. I had to tell him to hush up just to not make us both look like fools.
That girl and I went on to have a long relationship together, and we broke up a number of times, but I always managed to get her back in the end. Eventually we'd taken each other through the ringer enough times though that I thought enough was enough and we agreed to part ways for good. I realized I was being selfish holding onto her, when I couldn't give her what she wanted (exclusive, monogamous, lifelong commitment -- not really something for me).
Another time, a few years after I first met that girl in 2006, I had another girl I really liked -- also quite beautiful, quite intelligent, and quite a character, that one -- that I blew it with, and only after another equally Herculean effort was I able to get a second date with her. And she was so primed for me at that point that she ended up sprawled out on my bed, waiting for me. As it were, I fumbled this opportunity too with this girl, a newlywed -- she eloped in the couple of months between our first date and our second -- by again hesitating and again moving too slow, losing her a second time.
Anyway, the reason stories like this seem so remarkable is because they're so incredibly rare.
For every story I have like this, I have 20 more about girls I really liked that I lost and never turned things around with. And as I've gotten better and better with women, turnarounds have become less and less of a concern.
You see, that girl I got back -- the one in 2006 -- I had to work my ass off to turn that around. I had to wrack my brain and figure out everything I'd done wrong, and then I had to undo all of it, and then I had to redo everything again, but right this time. I had to pull out all the stops and take my game to a level it had never been at before that point to make what happened happen.
But as I've gotten better and better with women, a curious few things have happened. They are:
- I've largely stopped making the mistakes I used to make that lost me women
- I've consistently been having higher and higher quality women in my life
- I've consistently had more and more options with women in my life
and as a result, my desire to chase after and "win back" any one girl I might've blown it with has shrank to virtually zero.
In fact, I had a girl I blew it with last year who was chasing after me hard early this year... a buddy of mine even wished me good luck with her when I'd told him she was begging to come over to my place and spend time with me, but I told him no good luck needed; it was in the bag if I wanted it.
But I didn't want it.
At that point, I felt confident that I'd take that girl to bed... but that she'd then expect a relationship out of it, and I didn't want to deal with that with her. And after her holding out on me as much as she had before, I didn't think she was the kind of girl I wanted a relationship with.
I ended up telling her not to come over, and met her at a restaurant instead for a much more neutral, platonic meeting. She kept trying to find an excuse to get over to my place, but I kept deflecting her, and eventually she gave up and disappeared. Now I only get the occasional email from her, wondering how I've been and telling me she misses me.
Well, before I get into how to get a girl back, I want to make it equally clear to you that, should you invest the time in yourself to fully develop your skills with women, you won't want to waste time trying to get girls back.
You'll have too many new women on your hands to worry about one flakey one.
But, I realize you may or may not be there yet, and no matter what may be said, if a guy wants to know how to pull a turnaround off, he wants to know how to pull a turnaround off.
So, all right; you asked for it, so here it is.
Ways to Get a Girl Back: All the Tools You Need
I want to draw a distinction here, for the guys reading this post from different perspectives: if you're trying to get your girlfriend back -- a girl that you've been intimate with, that you've had as a lover -- it's going to be pretty straightforward... if you did a good job with her emotions throughout the relationship.
But for the guys who messed it up with a girl they hadn't slept with, and for the guys who had a girlfriend they were sleeping with but with whom they weren't good in bed with and didn't leave a strong emotional imprint, you're going to have an uphill climb. That's not to discourage you, because it can still be done; that's just to give you a more realistic expectation of the level of effort that's going to be involved.
Pick ups can happen fast when you know what you're doing -- even with conservative girls, even with girls who've only had one or two lovers before -- or even none at all. Turnarounds, on the other hand, very rarely happen fast, if only because the guys who have the skill set down solid enough to be able to turn things around fast don't usually end up in the position of needing to turn things around.
I'm going to tailor this as a more general how-to on getting a girl back; a more specific "how to get your girlfriend back" post I'll try and get up at some point in the not-too-distant future. If I forget, shoot me an email to remind me and I'll try and get it up; but, since I don't really get the "how do I get my girlfriend back" questions, I'm going to assume there aren't many cats on here with that question and I'll save that for another time. [UPDATE: here it is: "How to Get Your Girlfriend Back"]
Just yesterday, a reader made the following comment on the post about staying out of auto-rejection:
“Great article man, but just realized that I did everything wrong, gone too slow and now the girl I like its just cold with me, she already was shy, but now its getting very hard talking to her, as she always go quiet and aloof, I started talking to her becouse she always was the first to gaze me. now we often flirt in distance with eye contact and smiles, but she seems way too shy now, sometimes she even walks away when im talking to her, there would be something I could do to bring her back? every time she looks at me from distance i feel she still likes me but I have no idea of what to do!
greetings from Brazil (sorry for my bad english).
Let's use Caesar's comment here as our model to work off of, because this is the one I get emailed the most frequently about. Guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl likes guy, guy flirts with girl, girl flirts with guy... then nothing happens... for a long time... girl gets cold, guy gets frustrated. What to do?
Again, check out the post on how to get girls (link earlier in this post, or over on the sidebar to the right of the page) if you haven't already; that's your basic instruction manual for what to do with the girls you like. For a complete guide to getting girls, snag a copy of my ebook; everything you'll ever need and a whole lot more is in there. If you follow the steps lain out in that post or in the book, you're going to be well on your way to avoiding ending up having to figure out how to get girls back any time soon. So, do that first; use this post as a last resort.
But let's say, for one reason or another, you've ended up here, and you've absolutely got to know how to get a girl back. Well, without further ado, let's have at what to do.
- Get your thoughts off of her. Why's this important? Because I'm betting that if you really like her this much -- so much that you're willing to do whatever it takes to turn things around and make her yours -- that probably also means you're thinking about her. A lot. Maybe even all the time.
And girls you think about a lot, you become useless around. Just think back to the last time you tried to talk -- or do anything -- with a girl you really, really liked. You probably became a quivering mound of Jell-O, didn't you?
You need to get your mind off her and distance yourself from your feelings from her before you're able to effect anything resembling a comeback. That means thinking about other girls; dating or sleeping with other girls, when possible; or at the very least plunging yourself into some kind of hobby, activity, sport, or other passion that can consume your thoughts and get you spending a lot less mental time on this girl.
The more time you spend investing mentally in a girl, the less effective with her you'll be.
- Start acting gradually opposite to how you were. That means if you were being a little overly aloof, you need to be a little warmer. And if you were being a little insulting, you need to be a little less so, and get to mentioning to her the things you genuinely like about her. And if you were coming across too easy to get, you need to start becoming more scarce and tougher to get.
The key to this is the word "gradual." If you make a sudden switch, she'll know it was in reaction to her, and if your goose was cooked before, it's turned to ash, now. You need to start straightening out your act, but you need to do it without it looking forced or contrived. Be gradual.
- DO NOT CHASE. Under any circumstances whatsoever. I know the instinct is to panic and chase after the person you're losing; it's universal, and women do it too (this factors significantly into how I run my own interactions with women these days; the reason they pursue me as much as they do is because I'm being the "guy they want to get back").
But trust me, nothing will flush her attraction down the toilet for you faster than you chasing after her. If you want to make absolutely certain that she NEVER wants to be with you again, chase after her. Otherwise -- yeah, don't do this one.
- If you seemed too easy, make her jealous; if you didn't, avoid this at all costs. This is where our strategies start diverging. To get her seeing him in a different light, the girl who saw a guy as too easy needs to see him getting attraction from other women, and no longer chasing after her. This can take the form of:
• You talking to other girls in a bar or nightclub in front of her
• You hinting that you're unavailable a weekend night, without saying why
• You mentioning how cute or pretty another girl is to her
If you lost her because you made her feel unwanted, or because you hurt her, though -- do not do this. Making her jealous will only push her further away -- it only makes you seem harder to get, and less available to her, which is the opposite of what you want. And if she ends up resenting you because you seem too hard to get, she may very well want to make you jealous -- and then the two of you will just end up in twisted little war of each one trying to make the other more jealous. I've been there a few times, and trust me, it ain't fun. Whip out the jealousy only when she thinks you're too easy (e.g., that women don't want you).
- Give her some cooling off time... without you. If the two of you were flirting before, it's safe to assume that she liked you, enjoyed your attention, and enjoyed spending time with you and talking to you. So, give her a little time to cool off and realize that life is noticeably less awesome without you around.
The main thing this does is ease your return. No matter the reason why she ran off, if you want to get her back, she needs a little time without you. In addition to reminding her that she likes having you around, this also lets any pressure she was feeling (if you'd been chasing her) reset.
- Don't be cute. I know lots of the stuff out there on game, on texting, on phone calls, on talking to girls tells you to be cute. All that stuff like, "I'm going to treat you like my little sister, and wrap you up in bubble tape and stuff you in my pocket!" Well, that's stuff that -- I won't say it helps you -- but it at least doesn't hurt you too much when she's feeling very comfortable with you and digging you.
When she's annoyed at you and running away, her tolerance for cutesiness falls to zero. So cut that crud out and be straight with her.
- Get compliance. If you can't get a girl to invest in you, you're not going to be able to get her to do anything else. You need, need, need to get her following your lead again -- ask her to come for a short walk with you; tell her, "Hey, don't run away, I want to talk to you for a minute." Start giving her small orders, or asking for small amounts of compliance. Read up on persuading women before you do; particularly if she's running away, you're going to have to be at your most persuasive!
- Set up a meet, pronto. I don't know where guys get this idea from, but most of the guys you see trying to salvage something with a girl try doing it over phone, text, or email. Are you kidding me? If you want to turn something around, you've got to do it in person.
Get her in person. That should be your mantra for turning stuff around. Get her alone with you, or semi-alone, in person, where the two of you are there just for each other. At that point, you can be cool with her, and not be insulting, and not be too easy to get, and move forward quickly and naturally.
- Exceptions. Some of the above steps are going to be "exceptioned-out" sometimes. For instance, in Caesar's situation, where it sounds like this girl is already pulling away really hard and, I'd have to guess, he hasn't gone on a date with her at all yet, he needs to get her out ASAP and show her he's a man who will lead her to making progress, to make something happen, and, not long after, to bed. So for Caesar, I'd recommend taking exception to worrying about jealousy plotlines (they take too long; he needs to move fast before this girl is gone completely) and I'd skip the cooling off period (she doesn't need to cool off from him chasing her, as it sounds like it hasn't gone beyond flirting and he hasn't asked her out at all; he needs rather to make it crystal clear he wants something to happen, and that he'll make it happen).
If you follow these steps, you're going to stand a much better chance of getting a girl back than your average, ordinary guy, who stands around feeling sorry for himself, yelling, "WHY???" at the gods, and begging women (in vain) for another shot.
Instead, now you've got the tools to take matters back into your own hands and start effecting a turnaround.
But, there's one more thing you need to keep in mind before the turnaround is complete...
How to Get a Girl Back and Keep Her Back
Once you've done the impossible (well, implausible, really; but your friends will think you've done the impossible) and turned it around with a girl who was running away, there's still one more thing you've got to do if you want to set it in stone.
You've got to sleep with her.
All romantic notions aside, men and women are separate sexes for one reason, and one reason only: getting together and making babies. If we didn't need to do that, we'd be sexless and we'd reproduce by splitting.
Everybody knows that intimacy is what it's all about in the deepest parts of his or her unconscious -- it's the entire reason why romance exists at all in the first place. And, like it or not, women are remorselessly unforgiving toward men who don't man up and do what they're supposed to do -- that is, who don't take them to bed, get physical with them, and rock their worlds.
Lots of guys -- especially guys who are starting out -- tend to get caught up in this romantic notion of selfless sacrifice, of the purity of a girl, of her being too innocent or conservative or the kind of girl who would "never go for that" or "never do that."
Like somehow she's some special kind of girl from whom evolution has mysteriously stripped the drive to mate and reproduce.
I'll tell you what I know. I see lots of guys like this all the time -- they're the guys who chase after the girls I'm dating, the girls I'm with, the girls I took to bed on the first date. They put women on pedestals and view them as goddesses. Meanwhile, I'm doing all kinds of things to their goddesses in the bedroom and making those goddesses scream at the top of their lungs.
Don't make the mistake I made with that newlywed girl I worked so hard to get, then ended up gun-shy with her laying sprawled out on my bed. Don't go to all that trouble to get a girl back... only to lose her again by not pulling the trigger. I'm still upset at myself about that one, and that was years ago.
If you want to know how to get a girl back, you know it now; but you won't keep her if you don't take her as your lover. I guarantee you that much. For as romantic as we'd like to think things really are, it all comes down to who's in bed with whom -- and if she isn't getting it from you, she'll get it somewhere else.
So, just make sure she's getting it from you -- and she'll be yours, instead of that other guy's who doesn't really deserve her anyway ;)
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