Secrets to Getting Girls: Staying Out of Auto-Rejection
These days Sebastian Drake’s VAC attraction model is all but forgotten in the seduction community. There’s been a gold rush toward “natural game” and at the same time a supposed abandonment of the previously ubiquitous “routine-based game,” the ever-present 800-pound gorilla in pick up circles half a decade ago.
But in the rush toward “natural game” some of its pillars have been missed or marginalized by its new champions – the former routine guys who’ve turned over a new leaf. Nowadays, most everyone in seduction will tell you he practices “natural game”, but what many propose to teach quite often are routines that run a little more smoothly and aren’t called by the label “routines.” They’re dressed up a little and called “natural game” instead. But if you pay close attention… yep, they’re still routines.
That’s why you won’t see the term “natural game” anywhere on this site. In my mind, it’s become synonymous with slightly-evolved-but-thinly-veiled routine-based game. Nothing personal against routines or the guys who use ‘em; it just ain’t my style and I’d rather not be associated with them. The “natural game” pitched by most these days is a little smoother and a little more direct than the routine-based game of yore, but it’s lacking in a lot of the teaching of core concepts of what really makes guys who are naturally talented with women so successful.
One of those core concepts is the “A” in VAC: Attainability. Attainability is the measure of how readily a woman feels she’s able to get what she wants with you – if she thinks it’s in the bag with you and she’s got you hook, line, and sinker, your attainability is too high; that’s called being no challenge. Being no challenge is what happens when a guy makes it too easy for a girl, doesn’t challenge her, or comes across needy or low value.
If, on the other hand, a girl feels your attainability is too low, and that she can’t get you, that one’s called being unattainable. Being unattainable is what leads to women going into something called auto-rejection; in other words, she gives up on you, goes cold, shuts down, and her heart fills with resentment and dislike for you.
That last one is what we’re going to focus on in this post today – or more specifically, how to avoid it. Today’s post is about staying out of auto-rejection.
The Causes of Auto-Rejection
It’s important to keep in mind that when it comes to attraction, all is not value. Compliance (investment) and attainability play large parts in determining attraction as well. This is where the modern “natural game” converts often slip up: in understanding the other aspects of attraction aside from value.
Auto-rejection is the term for what a woman enters into with a man whose attainability has dropped too low. If a woman seems very cold and aloof with you, chances are it’s auto-rejection. This is her shutting down to protect herself from a guy she thinks isn’t going to give her what she wants and needs.
You cannot ask women about this, same as you can’t ask a man who’s huffing and puffing about how some girl is no good and not worth his time if he thinks she’s unattainable to him. A person in auto-rejection is not going to tell you she’s in auto-rejection; she’s going to say the person who put her there is a detestable human being. She’s rejecting him to protect her ego and prevent herself from wasting time and emotions on a man who’ll hurt her one way or another.
There are as many potential causes of auto-rejection as there are grains of sand on the beach, but they more or less all roll up into a few catch-all categories. Those include the following:
- Being too much of an asshole. Being a little bit of an asshole is generally okay; it can be funny when done right. Overdo it though, and you’ll seem out-of-reach and like you’re trying to rub it into a girl’s face. Even very beautiful, confident women are prone to auto-rejection if you push it hard enough, though tolerance will vary tremendously by the individual.
- Being too aloof. This one plagued me forever, and it’s one of the most common things I see other men doing too. The reason that I did this and the reason that other men do this (I suspect) is twofold: 1) they don’t want to seem overeager in pursuit of a woman, and 2) they want to protect themselves and their status (more on this later) in the event things fall apart. But in trying too hard to protect themselves and seem cool, men quite often communicate a lack of interest to women, which causes those women to wall themselves off defensively and grow cold.
- Showing too much value. Note it isn’t having too much value – it’s showing it. The more value you show, the higher must your attainability be as well to avoid auto-rejection. Most guys in seduction though just focus on pumping their value up and up and up, and then wonder why their results with women aren’t improving as much as they’d expect, or maybe even go into a slide. An imbalance of value and attainability is why.
- Moving too slow. Yep, moving slow with a girl will send you into auto-rejection, more often than you’d expect. As noted in “Social Circle vs. Cold Approach,” the less well you know a woman, the less time she gives you to close things out. Contrary to how most men view attraction, it tends to drop rather precipitously after the initial meet the vast majority of the time. When you’re a social beginner, you might be able to use a little more time to generate more interest; but once you’re at even an intermediate level and your fundamentals are getting tight, you already have most or all of the attraction you’re going to get the moment you say hello to her, and everything else you’ll be doing is really just getting her comfortable with the idea of intimacy with you. Wait too long to get intimate with her and she’ll give up on you or come to resent you for not giving her what she wanted, and at that point it’s done.
Those are really the Big Four of auto-rejection. Plenty of other smaller ones, but most of them fall under one of those categories or tie in in one way or another. For instance, too much teasing or over-bantering with a girl will blow her out and send her into auto-rejection, but that falls under being too much of an asshole. Texting and calling a girl only intermittently and being lax about pushing to meet her will often make her feel like you’re wasting her time send and her into auto-rejection, but that falls under the umbrella of moving too slow.
The Psychology Behind Auto-Rejection
Just a quick break down on the thought mechanics behind this one so you can understand it better and develop a more intuitive feel for it. If you don’t really care why things work and would rather skip ahead to the solutions that’s fine, but come skim back to this one when you have time because I think having an understanding of the inner workings of things gives you greater range and flexibility in the long run when it comes to being able to predict, improvise, and adjust on the fly in dynamic social situations.
We humans are intensely social creatures, and in our societies status is vastly important. Status determines who you mate with, how powerful and successful the friends you attract are, your access to resources, and all kinds of things. Because of this, the preservation of accumulated status is key to our success in a great variety of things, and the avoidance of status-harming situations and people is built deeply into our programming.
What are some things that might hurt a person’s status? Some of them include:
- Being rejected.
- Being insulted.
- Being ignored.
- Being outclassed.
- Being sidelined or put on the backburner.
All those are things people tend to avoid like the plague. This “status harm avoidance” is incidentally also the driving force behind men’s approach anxiety; there’s a strong desire to avoid putting oneself in the situation of being rejected and seeing one’s perceived status go down.
Each of the causes of auto-rejection mentioned earlier can be tied to at least one of the factors that can demote people status-wise:
- Being too much of an asshole to a woman makes her feel insulted and fear rejection.
- Being too aloof toward a woman makes her feel ignored and makes her fear rejection.
- Showing too much value to a woman makes her feel outclassed and makes her fear rejection.
- Moving too slow with a woman makes her feel sidelined, unimportant, and unwanted, and makes her fear rejection.
So, the more women start seeing the causes mentioned earlier being expressed, the more they start feeling and fearing the factors listed just above, and the closer and closer they come to viewing a man as entirely unattainable and auto-rejecting him to preserve their status and protect themselves.
Staying Out of Auto-Rejection
Throughout your seduction career, attainability and auto-rejection plays an interesting role. At first, you don’t even notice it, so focused are you on building value. Then, you either become aware of the idea, or you begin to intuit it on your own, though you don’t realize how universally it affects your interactions. Then you start noticing it everywhere and realize you’re losing lots of women to auto-rejection.
Next you usually go into a usually-brief backwards slide where you start trying to tone yourself down and be nicer and softer toward women to preempt auto-rejection, but you end up coming across too soft and your value takes a blow. Finally, you start adding challenge back into your interactions, but you do it in such a way that you learn to cushion the blows of your challenges and put women at ease immediately following them. Once you’re doing that, you’re close to reaching a high degree of effectiveness with attainability.
Hopefully I can skip you some steps and get you right to focusing on that last one. As always, you need balance, and need to find that line in the middle to walk, and attainability is no exception to these demands. In fact, attainability is likely going to be one of the most frustrating, difficult things you will have to get down, in part because it can seem rather ephemeral at times, in part because it really is such a fine line, because the pit drops down so steeply on both sides (auto-rejection on one side, no challenge nice guy land on the other), and in part because that line you need to walk is in a different place with every woman you meet.
But if you can get attainability down, everything else is icing on the cake.
Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for you to start seeing patterns with women, and armed with the right knowledge you know what to look for and your learning curve ought to be a lot less steep.
Here are the tools you need to get attainability running smoothly and keep yourself away from auto-rejection:
- Become a Genuine Man. The genuine man is the one who is neither needy nor busy posturing or being aloof. He teases women lightly, but he’s skilled enough with his voice tone and facial expressions that he very quickly sets their minds at ease that it’s all in good fun; he uses expert eye contact and warm, sexy smiles, and he recognizes that his nonverbal communication here is absolutely key to getting the right message across.
- Master the Ability to Connect with People. I recently spent a few days training a friend of mine up in deep diving, and he proceeded to sleep with a few new girls in a hurry and credits deep diving with having turned around his interactions with women and people in general in a snap. He went from him being too aloof and people reacting in kind to him, to him now being warm and open and them now being warm and open toward him. Getting down the ability to connect with people deeply and rapidly has a way of making attainability problems simply melt away.
- Become a Humble Man. Humility is underrated these days, but if you pay close attention you’ll notice just about all of the absolute coolest, most powerful, most successful men are humble. George Clooney is humble. Warren Buffet is humble. The most revered statesmen and leaders almost always tend to be humble. Humility is the powerful man’s way of charming and connecting with others who might otherwise be blown away and swept into auto-rejection by his status. The higher in value you become, the more extreme the effect you have on others, and the more you must implement humbleness to remain relatable and attainable and make sure that extreme effect is a positive one. It becomes vital attainability technology for you to master as you improve.
- Move Faster. Finally, I probably sound like a broken record on this blog by this point, but yeah, move faster. If you’re not routinely sleeping with women the day you meet them or on the first date, you have room to move faster. If you’re not sleeping with women in under three or four hours of face time on average, you need to be moving faster. You don’t have to do it all at once – you can certainly build up to it gradually – but you should be steadily moving faster and faster as you upgrade your abilities with women. The speed with which you move should be one of the key places you look to level up. Sorry for the video game terminology… too many years of Daggerfall and other TES games (just found out Skyrim is coming out later this year… I’m going to have to push to hit my quota of girls for the year before then, because once November 11th hits I’m going to be in front of my computer, eyes glued to the screen all day every day for at least a few weeks).
If you get these things handled, you’ll be much better served at avoiding and staying out of auto-rejection. As noted in “Escalation Windows,” once you end up in the hole that is auto-rejection, it’s a hell of a hard climb to get out. It’s far better to simply never get into auto-rejection in the first place – treat the cause, and you’ll have little need to worry about treating the symptoms.
When you’ve gotten yourself focusing on the means lain out above for avoiding auto-rejection, you’ll find girls will tend to be a lot more comfortable putting their guards down and just going with the flow of things around you, and you’ll start finding you have more and more and faster and faster success with them. Because attainability really is a spectrum, and the better you get with it, and the closer you get to that ideal middle “line” to walk upon, the better women treat you, react to you, and like you.
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