Secrets to Getting Girls: Staying Out of Auto-Rejection

These days Sebastian Drake’s VAC attraction model is all but forgotten in the seduction community. There’s been a gold rush toward “natural game” and at the same time a supposed abandonment of the previously ubiquitous “routine-based game,” the ever-present 800-pound gorilla in pick up circles half a decade ago.

But in the rush toward “natural game” some of its pillars have been missed or marginalized by its new champions – the former routine guys who’ve turned over a new leaf. Nowadays, most everyone in seduction will tell you he practices “natural game”, but what many propose to teach quite often are routines that run a little more smoothly and aren’t called by the label “routines.” They’re dressed up a little and called “natural game” instead. But if you pay close attention… yep, they’re still routines.

That’s why you won’t see the term “natural game” anywhere on this site. In my mind, it’s become synonymous with slightly-evolved-but-thinly-veiled routine-based game. Nothing personal against routines or the guys who use ‘em; it just ain’t my style and I’d rather not be associated with them. The “natural game” pitched by most these days is a little smoother and a little more direct than the routine-based game of yore, but it’s lacking in a lot of the teaching of core concepts of what really makes guys who are naturally talented with women so successful.

One of those core concepts is the “A” in VAC: Attainability. Attainability is the measure of how readily a woman feels she’s able to get what she wants with you – if she thinks it’s in the bag with you and she’s got you hook, line, and sinker, your attainability is too high; that’s called being no challenge. Being no challenge is what happens when a guy makes it too easy for a girl, doesn’t challenge her, or comes across needy or low value.

If, on the other hand, a girl feels your attainability is too low, and that she can’t get you, that one’s called being unattainable. Being unattainable is what leads to women going into something called auto-rejection; in other words, she gives up on you, goes cold, shuts down, and her heart fills with resentment and dislike for you.

That last one is what we’re going to focus on in this post today – or more specifically, how to avoid it. Today’s post is about staying out of auto-rejection.

The Causes of Auto-Rejection

It’s important to keep in mind that when it comes to attraction, all is not value. Compliance (investment) and attainability play large parts in determining attraction as well. This is where the modern “natural game” converts often slip up: in understanding the other aspects of attraction aside from value.

Auto-rejection is the term for what a woman enters into with a man whose attainability has dropped too low. If a woman seems very cold and aloof with you, chances are it’s auto-rejection. This is her shutting down to protect herself from a guy she thinks isn’t going to give her what she wants and needs.

You cannot ask women about this, same as you can’t ask a man who’s huffing and puffing about how some girl is no good and not worth his time if he thinks she’s unattainable to him. A person in auto-rejection is not going to tell you she’s in auto-rejection; she’s going to say the person who put her there is a detestable human being. She’s rejecting him to protect her ego and prevent herself from wasting time and emotions on a man who’ll hurt her one way or another.

There are as many potential causes of auto-rejection as there are grains of sand on the beach, but they more or less all roll up into a few catch-all categories. Those include the following:

  • Being too much of an asshole. Being a little bit of an asshole is generally okay; it can be funny when done right. Overdo it though, and you’ll seem out-of-reach and like you’re trying to rub it into a girl’s face. Even very beautiful, confident women are prone to auto-rejection if you push it hard enough, though tolerance will vary tremendously by the individual.
  • Being too aloof. This one plagued me forever, and it’s one of the most common things I see other men doing too. The reason that I did this and the reason that other men do this (I suspect) is twofold: 1) they don’t want to seem overeager in pursuit of a woman, and 2) they want to protect themselves and their status (more on this later) in the event things fall apart. But in trying too hard to protect themselves and seem cool, men quite often communicate a lack of interest to women, which causes those women to wall themselves off defensively and grow cold.
  • Showing too much value. Note it isn’t having too much value – it’s showing it. The more value you show, the higher must your attainability be as well to avoid auto-rejection. Most guys in seduction though just focus on pumping their value up and up and up, and then wonder why their results with women aren’t improving as much as they’d expect, or maybe even go into a slide. An imbalance of value and attainability is why.
  • Moving too slow. Yep, moving slow with a girl will send you into auto-rejection, more often than you’d expect. As noted in “Social Circle vs. Cold Approach,” the less well you know a woman, the less time she gives you to close things out. Contrary to how most men view attraction, it tends to drop rather precipitously after the initial meet the vast majority of the time. When you’re a social beginner, you might be able to use a little more time to generate more interest; but once you’re at even an intermediate level and your fundamentals are getting tight, you already have most or all of the attraction you’re going to get the moment you say hello to her, and everything else you’ll be doing is really just getting her comfortable with the idea of intimacy with you. Wait too long to get intimate with her and she’ll give up on you or come to resent you for not giving her what she wanted, and at that point it’s done.

Those are really the Big Four of auto-rejection. Plenty of other smaller ones, but most of them fall under one of those categories or tie in in one way or another. For instance, too much teasing or over-bantering with a girl will blow her out and send her into auto-rejection, but that falls under being too much of an asshole. Texting and calling a girl only intermittently and being lax about pushing to meet her will often make her feel like you’re wasting her time send and her into auto-rejection, but that falls under the umbrella of moving too slow.

The Psychology Behind Auto-Rejection

Just a quick break down on the thought mechanics behind this one so you can understand it better and develop a more intuitive feel for it. If you don’t really care why things work and would rather skip ahead to the solutions that’s fine, but come skim back to this one when you have time because I think having an understanding of the inner workings of things gives you greater range and flexibility in the long run when it comes to being able to predict, improvise, and adjust on the fly in dynamic social situations.

We humans are intensely social creatures, and in our societies status is vastly important. Status determines who you mate with, how powerful and successful the friends you attract are, your access to resources, and all kinds of things. Because of this, the preservation of accumulated status is key to our success in a great variety of things, and the avoidance of status-harming situations and people is built deeply into our programming.

What are some things that might hurt a person’s status? Some of them include:

  • Being rejected.
  • Being insulted.
  • Being ignored.
  • Being outclassed.
  • Being sidelined or put on the backburner.

All those are things people tend to avoid like the plague. This “status harm avoidance” is incidentally also the driving force behind men’s approach anxiety; there’s a strong desire to avoid putting oneself in the situation of being rejected and seeing one’s perceived status go down.

Each of the causes of auto-rejection mentioned earlier can be tied to at least one of the factors that can demote people status-wise:

  • Being too much of an asshole to a woman makes her feel insulted and fear rejection.
  • Being too aloof toward a woman makes her feel ignored and makes her fear rejection.
  • Showing too much value to a woman makes her feel outclassed and makes her fear rejection.
  • Moving too slow with a woman makes her feel sidelined, unimportant, and unwanted, and makes her fear rejection.

So, the more women start seeing the causes mentioned earlier being expressed, the more they start feeling and fearing the factors listed just above, and the closer and closer they come to viewing a man as entirely unattainable and auto-rejecting him to preserve their status and protect themselves.

Staying Out of Auto-Rejection

Throughout your seduction career, attainability and auto-rejection plays an interesting role. At first, you don’t even notice it, so focused are you on building value. Then, you either become aware of the idea, or you begin to intuit it on your own, though you don’t realize how universally it affects your interactions. Then you start noticing it everywhere and realize you’re losing lots of women to auto-rejection.

Next you usually go into a usually-brief backwards slide where you start trying to tone yourself down and be nicer and softer toward women to preempt auto-rejection, but you end up coming across too soft and your value takes a blow. Finally, you start adding challenge back into your interactions, but you do it in such a way that you learn to cushion the blows of your challenges and put women at ease immediately following them. Once you’re doing that, you’re close to reaching a high degree of effectiveness with attainability.

Hopefully I can skip you some steps and get you right to focusing on that last one. As always, you need balance, and need to find that line in the middle to walk, and attainability is no exception to these demands. In fact, attainability is likely going to be one of the most frustrating, difficult things you will have to get down, in part because it can seem rather ephemeral at times, in part because it really is such a fine line, because the pit drops down so steeply on both sides (auto-rejection on one side, no challenge nice guy land on the other), and in part because that line you need to walk is in a different place with every woman you meet.

But if you can get attainability down, everything else is icing on the cake.

Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for you to start seeing patterns with women, and armed with the right knowledge you know what to look for and your learning curve ought to be a lot less steep.

Here are the tools you need to get attainability running smoothly and keep yourself away from auto-rejection:

  • Become a Genuine Man. The genuine man is the one who is neither needy nor busy posturing or being aloof. He teases women lightly, but he’s skilled enough with his voice tone and facial expressions that he very quickly sets their minds at ease that it’s all in good fun; he uses expert eye contact and warm, sexy smiles, and he recognizes that his nonverbal communication here is absolutely key to getting the right message across.
  • Master the Ability to Connect with People. I recently spent a few days training a friend of mine up in deep diving, and he proceeded to sleep with a few new girls in a hurry and credits deep diving with having turned around his interactions with women and people in general in a snap. He went from him being too aloof and people reacting in kind to him, to him now being warm and open and them now being warm and open toward him. Getting down the ability to connect with people deeply and rapidly has a way of making attainability problems simply melt away.
  • Become a Humble Man. Humility is underrated these days, but if you pay close attention you’ll notice just about all of the absolute coolest, most powerful, most successful men are humble. George Clooney is humble. Warren Buffet is humble. The most revered statesmen and leaders almost always tend to be humble. Humility is the powerful man’s way of charming and connecting with others who might otherwise be blown away and swept into auto-rejection by his status. The higher in value you become, the more extreme the effect you have on others, and the more you must implement humbleness to remain relatable and attainable and make sure that extreme effect is a positive one. It becomes vital attainability technology for you to master as you improve.
  • Move Faster. Finally, I probably sound like a broken record on this blog by this point, but yeah, move faster. If you’re not routinely sleeping with women the day you meet them or on the first date, you have room to move faster. If you’re not sleeping with women in under three or four hours of face time on average, you need to be moving faster. You don’t have to do it all at once – you can certainly build up to it gradually – but you should be steadily moving faster and faster as you upgrade your abilities with women. The speed with which you move should be one of the key places you look to level up. Sorry for the video game terminology… too many years of Daggerfall and other TES games (just found out Skyrim is coming out later this year… I’m going to have to push to hit my quota of girls for the year before then, because once November 11th hits I’m going to be in front of my computer, eyes glued to the screen all day every day for at least a few weeks).

If you get these things handled, you’ll be much better served at avoiding and staying out of auto-rejection. As noted in “Escalation Windows,” once you end up in the hole that is auto-rejection, it’s a hell of a hard climb to get out. It’s far better to simply never get into auto-rejection in the first place – treat the cause, and you’ll have little need to worry about treating the symptoms.

When you’ve gotten yourself focusing on the means lain out above for avoiding auto-rejection, you’ll find girls will tend to be a lot more comfortable putting their guards down and just going with the flow of things around you, and you’ll start finding you have more and more and faster and faster success with them. Because attainability really is a spectrum, and the better you get with it, and the closer you get to that ideal middle “line” to walk upon, the better women treat you, react to you, and like you.

Chase Amante

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lachstar's picture

Great article dude!! I'm stoked to read this as I am definitely doing all four things wrong at one stage or another. You've really got it down pat here mate, I am amazed at the breadth of your knowledge on the subject!

Okay, a question: I've been hitting the gym recently and I've been losing weight too. People are now regularly commenting on how good looking I am. I'm concerned this may push some girls directly into auto-rejection off the bat, or at least set me too low on the attainability scale. Are there any adjustments I can make to my approach and initial conversations to convey humbleness without looking too beta or being incongruent?

I'm also having trouble getting the girls I like... I love curvy/thick girls with big tits. Unfortunately they tend to be pushed away a lot of the time, or something I do triggers their low self esteem (if they have it) or body issues. Any thoughts on this issue?

Thanks again for your time!


Chase Amante's picture


You're welcome Lach, glad this one answered most of your auto-rejection questions. Thanks for the post idea!

Props on getting in the gym, I've been bad about that lately. Always rewarding when folks are saying you look good, eh?

For the initial approach, work on coming across both warm and sexy. Work on slow, sexy smiles, and strong eye contact with slightly droopy bedroom eyes. Both warmth and sexiness convey interest to women that put them at ease. The better at those you get, the better you'll offset any imbalance by being too good looking and allow girls to relax around you and allow themselves to feel excited by you.

The thick curvy girls, hmm, hard to say without seeing it but I'd guess you're just coming off too high value for them. Work on warmth and sexiness, and you can also try adding a little bit early on in your interactions like pointing at some skinny girl and saying, "See that girl over there? Bet she gets pushed around when it's too windy outside." You might even try opening with that; could be good for a few laughs. Just light teasing of skinny girls to let them know you like girls with some meat on their bones. Should set them at ease ;)

Cheers bro,

Anonymous's picture

Great article man, but just realized that I did everything wrong, gone too slow and now the girl I like its just cold with me, she already was shy, but now its getting very hard talking to her, as she always go quiet and aloof, I started talking to her becouse she always was the first to gaze me. now we often flirt in distance with eye contact and smiles, but she seems way too shy now, sometimes she even walks away when im talking to her, there would be something I could do to bring her back? every time she looks at me from distance i feel she still likes me but I have no idea of what to do!

greetings from Brazil (sorry for my bad english).


Chase Amante's picture


Oi Caesar,

You've found yourself in a pretty common scenario that lots of guys end up in -- in fact, I get a lot of emails and questions about exactly this. I've put together a blog post answering your question, and geared towards addressing all the guys who want to salvage things with a girl they've lost -- you can find it here:

The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back

Hope this helps, and best of luck with your girl, brother!


Anonymous's picture

Dude, please your in Brazil, there you half do to half the work with x2 the reward compared to the USA. I am hoping to go there on march-15 and stay 3 months.
I too find this article interesting but it was too vague and theoretical for me:
Saying the every woman is different and the unrealistic bedding a women in 4-5 hours unless you have a lot of money or model good looks preferably both this does not happen for most men here in New Jersey unless you lie and put up a façade of course she will leave once the truth is known but hey your got the pussy all's fair in love n war, right? Like I said the article is decent overview of female auto rejection but without workable tips to detect and avoid this annoying habit women have. Here in the NYC metro area women are very fussy when it comes to income pretty much rejecting any man making under $40000 a year even decent looking ones, I know this from 1st hand experience because
1. I am decent looking, know how to dress, have a decent hairstyle, etc.
2. Can converse in a wide range if subjects in engaging and humorous fashion.
3. Women I meet do most of the talking, I have an easy time moving to the # stage.
4. Yet I am single and this annoys the hell out of me. I have lived in other cities and never had such a problem meeting women that I do here....
I really do not want to lie but it maybe necessary to get to next step "1st or 2nd date." hopefully when the woman I date knows the truth she will stay, but...

Anyomous's picture

I met a girl off myyearbook and at first everything went great. After we saw each other two times we were dating but we only kissed once and I asked her because she's been raped and I wanted to to show her respect so I know I shouldn't have done that now. I was also VERY clingy. And she told me she needed space but I really fucked up and kept burning up her phone. One time she got mad and called me a stalker. But surprisingly every now and then she still texts me "hey" so I think I may have a small chance. The problem is she claims she's living with her ex fiance but she claims she's not dating him. She's just trying to get out on her own for awhile. I know they are having sex though. I'm just trying to win her back and she told me yesterday she found out he was having sex with another girl so I think she's already losing faith in him. I just want to know what you think I should do to increase my chances and actually win her back and for good. Another fear I have is that she claims she has cheated on people but she claims it was guys who treated her bad. She is one of those girls who loves sex like ridiculously she's like a guy about it. She's one of those chicks who hates chicks. She seems like she has some morals about it though. If you can also tell me how can I tell if she's one of those chicks who will cheat on your ass 24/7 that would be helpful.


James B's picture

A girl like this, my advice is to stay the fuck away.

Anyomous's picture

I was wondering what is the best way to get a chick to sleep with you without making it obvious? You were talking about persuasion before put it in that type of terminology.

Anonymous's picture

hey Chase,
I've read a few of your articles today and i must say, i'm really impressed. I'm a 22-year-old girl, and I'm studying psychology. I completely agree with many of your arguments about women, and the required interaction between both sexes in order to achieve successful relationships. However, you mention repeatedly about how you guys should be sleeping with women on the first night, or within the first three nights, and if he's not, he needs to move faster for fear that she may put him in the friendzone. I disagree with this. What about women who wish to take it slow with sex? I myself am one, i was raised in a high-morals family where sex isn't something i give away willy nilly, and certainly not within the first few months of dating. That has nothing to do with the guy, in fact, i find it very redeeming and attractive quality when a guy (although he admits it's difficult for him and will still try to score on occasion) will wait for when i'm ready. So what's your take on those situations?

Job well done. :)



Anonymous's picture

Jess, you seem to be pedastalising sex too much, in any relationship you should be getting sex out of the way ASAP. If you make someone wait for months you will only ever attract low quality guys, because nobody of any decent quality would wait that long.

Besides all that sex is the most single enjoyable thing 2 people can have, why waste time NOT having sex? You seem to be falling for the trap most young girls fall into IMO.

Harry's picture

Thanks, these are home truths. I can see things crystal clear now.

Harry's picture

In my experience, instructors can try to blow students out when the student is a lone wolf. Dance instructors, acting coaches, mathematics professors, it doesn't matter. Wolves travel in packs and they have an alpha male and alpha female as head. And their pack will chase down any lone wolves they see on their territory and kill them. Alphas, instructors who head groups of any and all kinds, are great at noticing if there is anyone in their mist who is aloof and not readily dominated. And they will often try to set the pack against them. In an effort to prove their dominance, they will start scapegoating. At least that has been my experience. It's pretty weird to see because the dynamics are raw and in the open no matter how often or how many social psychologist repeat the refrain that these are unconscious processes. I believe the professionals are simply trying to portray the guilty parties as innocent.

Anonymous's picture

I wrote off a girl (well have tried to anyway with great difficulty) I felt strongly for about a year ago due to the fact that although she expressed strong interested in me, she moved onto another guy due to me moving too slow, being aloof etc.

Since then, as part of bringing closure to the whole episode, I read all these theories about escalation-windows and auto-rejection, and concluded that this was most likely what happened in my case, and thus put the whole thing to rest, reaching acceptance that anything we had was over (well at least trying my best with these steps), and resolving not to make these 'mistakes' again with the next someone special who comes along.
As it is not often that someone who I feel is really special comes into my life I did not react to the apparent loss by trying to find someone else, as I knew it would be highly unlikely that I would come across two girls who made me feel this way within such a short space of time. And I wasn't going to get one to use to try and make her jealous either, as not only do I not play such games, but it would be hard to find one as attractive as her (at least to me anyway). So I have basically just spent the entire time feeling very down over the whole thing and hoping someone else would come along that would help me forget about her.

Yet I was recently left pretty much stunned to find out that the girl in question had never given up on me, never moved on, and never really went into this supposed process of 'auto-rejection' at all (don't ask how she chose to demonstrate this to me, it's too complicated to explain here). She had actually went to what are in my view the pretty extraordinary lengths of getting involved in an apparent ever-increasingly serious relationship spanning over a year - including moving in with the guy - throughout the entire time I was trying to come to acceptance that anything we had was long gone and unrepairable, while all the while still having her sights firmly set on me.

The effect of this on me has been a bit like being told by a loved one that they only had a year or two left to live - going through the processes of anger/frustration/denial mourning and acceptance - only to find out it was all only a joke and one of these 'tests'. Now I'm torn between deciding whether or not to just leave her to her own devices with the guy (who seems nice and who she must at least like, but definitely doesn't love) she used all this time to get under my skin (thus making her the ultimate loser in this long game, but at the same time not only depriving her of me, but me of her as well), or to swallow my pride, accept that the pain caused by the whole thing was partially my own fault, and come up with a way of approaching her with the aim of fixing the whole thing and putting the games to an end. It's an agonizing decision to have to make. We're both in our final year at college, and the college environment has proven a good one for this type of long game, as I can't simply avoid her, and can't leave it either (unless I take time out which would show she's getting to me).

On the one hand I don't want my own stubbornness to be a permanent source of regret over what could have been with this girl, while on the other hand I don't want to give into this manipulative behavior and feel like she herself could maybe do with learning a life lesson about the risks involved in playing these games. If neither of us gives ground over it, we'll both go through a lot of sadness and regret which will probably stay with us for a very long time, but at the same time we will each learn some valuable lessons over it all. Or one of us could just simply reach out to the other and bring the whole thing to a happy conclusion. Although she's got involved with this guy to such an extent, including actually living with him for our whole last year at college and now nearing finals, that bringing everything to a happy conclusion won't be simple at all. What course of action would any of you guys do/advise in this situation?

I just wanted to highlight that all these auto-rejection and escalation-window theories are too simplistic (unless of course when applied to nightclub hookups or situations where either party wouldn't be particularly bothered if they never saw the other person again). Where special feelings have begun to develop a woman can't just go into auto-rejection mode with someone she's falling in love with and make such feelings simply disappear, especially over something so laughably trivial as the guy moving too slow for her liking or him being a bit aloof. The whole idea of 'Escalation Windows' is also similarly simplistic and is by and large only applicable to casual hook-ups too. If two people really have powerful feelings for each other they will never just go away, and one party won't simply be able to write off the other simply because they didn't move fast enough within some time frame. Maybe it would be a good thing if everyone could be as clinical as that with their emotions, but the reality is that things are not so simple and most people of either sex can't.

Anonymous's picture

While the content I've learned here is spot on, I think that there are some situations and circumstances where terms like escalation windows don't cover enough. there's a girl I'm interested in that for work circumstances cannot tall to me face to face almost all day, not only thay, but is nervous and admitted that she shuts down when she finds out someone is interested in them. I've been reading this site for over a year and allied successfully some of it, but this situation and girl do not fit in any one category. I am extremely confused at where I'm at. Does she want to just sleep With me? Am I moving too slow or too fast? I can't tell at all.

Anonymous's picture

Further to my post Sat, 01/26/2013 - 11:30, and after considering the 'I Can't Stop Thinking About Her' article, I think it's quite possible that in some of these cases of 'auto-rejection' the woman may not actually have given up on the man - in fact may have become even more 'obsessed' and 'infatuated', to use two terms from the other article. But because of the same behavior of the guy described here as leading to a typical case of 'auto-rejection', she has gotten fed up with the conventional playing nice tactics and has instead went down a path trying to cause him pain and mess with his head, while her ultimate aim hasn't changed. Even though she may feel she loves the guy with all her heart and may be constantly 'pining' for him, to again use another word from the 'I Can't Stop Thinking About Her' article, she has started a much more negative cycle of behavior towards him with the intention of conquering his heart.

How likely the end result is to differ from a classic 'escalation window' and 'auto-rejection' case, however, as described here, is something I do not know and would say depends on the particular case/circumstances. So maybe the 'escalation window' and 'auto-rejection' process can still be considered to encompass such cases as mine, just to keep things simple, if the ultimate result is likely to be the same, or perhaps even worse, in terms of pain caused for both parties.

I'll be sure to post back if I have a heartwarming happy ending story for everybody, but I wouldn't hold out too much hope for one!

Anonymous's picture

'This “status harm avoidance” is incidentally also the driving force behind men’s approach anxiety; there’s a strong desire to avoid putting oneself in the situation of being rejected and seeing one’s perceived status go down.'

I'd just like to make an added point further to Wed, 01/30/2013 - 06:45. I think, well recognized quite quickly after the girl got herself another guy actually, that I made a mistake with her in not realizing that by not making a move quickly enough, I was putting her at increasing risk of looking desperate, and making her feel devalued and probably worried that other girls would be gossiping and laughing at her behind her back at her desperately chasing me with no success. A girl would probably be particularly fearful of this happening in a college community, and I was just not awake to it at the time, although I was agonizingly close to making a move on her. I had planned to do it next time I saw her actually, as I new I'd better hurry up, and then I could hardly believe it when I heard she'd got a new boyfriend.

So the 'status harm avoidance' can take the form of a new boyfriend in both a classic auto-rejection case as described here and my own situation where the fact that the girl is now in a relationship puts her in a much more comfortable and powerful position from which to continue trying to get the guy she is really after.

I mean you don't really need much intelligence to work it out, many would even regard it as an immature maneuver, or 'high school stuff'. And while the girl didn't make what she was doing really obvious I knew she was trying to make me jealous with the guy and it went on for a few months in which I had a few opportunities to play the role of winning the lost girl back. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it, as I felt she made the decision to jump into a relationship with another guy so she should live with that decision, at least until she made another one to end it with him. My attitude was that she quite literally 'made her own bed so should lie in it'.

I was hoping she would wear herself out with the whole thing, but instead she continued with it as her new relationship developed into a more serious one which has lasted now over a year and with her living with the guy. And as her new relationship developed it got to the point, several months after it began, where I began to stop thinking she was only using the guy to make me jealous, that she had decided that he was the one for her rather than me, and that I was nothing more than a distant memory to her - someone she'd liked at one stage, but who it just didn't work out with and didn't occupy her thoughts much anymore. So I obviously just regarded her as completely lost and tried to forget about her.

However when it got to about the year mark of her being with guy, as I mentioned in my first post, I was really taken aback, like really stunned, when she communicated to me that she still had her eyes and heart firmly said on me. Obviously she didn't just come up and tell me this (but I really wish she had have just done that) as there would be no problem any more and I would be with her now. But she did it in such a way that is quite complex and would be difficult, as I also mentioned in my first post, to explain here.

So basically 'status harm avoidance' doesn't simply take the form of outright rejection of the guy, but can take the form of the girl getting another one and using a relationship not only as a shield behind which she can keep working on the guy from a much more comfortable position in terms of 'status harm avoidance', but that position also gives her much more power as well.

My moods over all this keep fluctuating between being bewildered; amazed; really turned-on and aroused that she went to all these lengths and finding it sexy as hell; but also sick to the stomach at the thought of her making love to the guy and thinking of all the moments they shared together, and that she maybe even lost her virginity to him. When my mood is dominated by these last negative thoughts I just want to block her out of my mind completely, avoid her at all costs, and consider her as a total write off, and someone that I was lucky not to have gotten into a relationship with - as the whole thing is just so messy, not to mention incredibly draining to the point where I'm not even eating and sleeping properly and my mind so messed up and distracted that I can hardly concentrate for long enough to read a page of a book and I'm in my final year of college! Indeed it's definitely had a negative impact on my studies, but I've been able to muster up just enough strength to get by. Although I have myself to blame for some of it, all and all she's put me through quite an ordeal! I suppose you could say she has me on the ropes! And it feels like after all twelve rounds!

Like I said in my last post I will post back if I have a heartwarming happy-ending story for you guys. If there is one, however, I'm not sure whether it will involve me finally ending up with her, or finally getting away from her!

Anonymous's picture

What are the secrets for the other side of auto-rejection? I mean what if I'm worried my own auto-rejection threshold is too low and therefore preventing my attraction to normal, attractive girls?

Anonymous's picture

Wow so very true!! I recently put a man in auto-rejection and didn't even realize I did. I tried so hard for a year. Even found myself constantly finding subtle ways to open him up or make him personally interested in me. After evaluating and realizing I had other men in my life making a real effort to get to know me, I finally made the decision to cut him off and block all contact in order to protect my feelings. After about 3 months, we became in contact again (he found me) but this time there is no flirting on my part, I no longer initiate contact and unless I feel he is interested in me, I've accepted "it is what it is". No blame on him at all, we all want different things and I've come to accept it's simply not me. I've put myself in his "friend zone".

michael uk's picture

Hi Chase,

A while back i realised my game and skills were rusty and have read many gurus advice etcon the net - your articles are amazing and you seem to be a clone of me in many ways but you seem far in advance in your skills, knowledge, attention to detail and also the way you put beautifully and precisely into words some of the problems many men face - together with solutions. The positive thing is the problems i am now facing are much further up the ladder of seduction and hopefully i can climb and climb but remain humble in the process. Thanks Michael London UK.

Tomas's picture

Hello Chase,

I have that kind of psychological questions - Why is so hard to climb out of auto-rejection once you get there? What is the force that keeps you there? Is it injured female vanity? Is it that your person becomes a trigger to her bad feelings? Or is it subconscious?

It´s crazy when a woman is all over you one day and then, due to a missed escalation window, starts to hate your guts forever, although you´re still the same man and could love you otherwise. I´d very appreciate to understand the deeper roots of this behavior.


Anonymous's picture

Here's my two cents...

Your answer is humility. Yes, there will be a window of opportunity. If she sends signals and you ignore them, she'll place you firmly in her rear view. But there's a but...

Even after she’s in auto-rejection, I think humility is the quickest and most effective way to get her to drop her guard. But learning when to humble yourself and how to do it will be a work in progress. Don't plead, beg, profusely apologizing, or bug her with multiple messages - and absolutely no BS (we may not tell you, but the smell reeks from miles away).

Try to understand how she feels and why, then fix it by addressing the cause. The key to doing that is taking responsibility for how you contributed to whatever lead to auto-rejection. Sometimes it's as simple as "You know, I see that I effed up, and I'm sorry." You're breaking the ice to set a meet. Let her say what she needs or ask whatever she wants answered because this is where you rebuild trust. Keep what you say calm and to the point. Don't apportion blame. Do your best to wind this part of the conversation down as soon as possible without seeming dismissive. You can say "Is there anything else you want me to answer." Then move on to talking about other things to build the attraction.

As an aside, calling her attention to what she did wrong will keep her on the defense. The best way to get her to own up (if it's situation where she needs to) is to simply open the door for her to walk through on her own. It's a vulnerable position for you to be in, but if she's a good girl, she'll recognize that, and she won't let you lose face. If she does, then move on.

Humility is one attribute that is so attractive, and it will separate you from other men. Try to master it. It's like gold, and it'll be most effective on women who are worth that much.

Good luck.

P.S. This article Chase wrote is very good at explaining the reasons she goes into auto-rejection.

whitegato's picture

chase, I just wanted to say I love your articles and they help put some things into perspective that I was trying to figure out for a while. After reading both of your articles "how girl shows interest" and "Auto rejection" I've realized I need to just push forward in the absence of red lights I just assume they're interested the move faster so they dont going to auto reject mode. but I still continue to run into the same problem that I have been dealing with for over 3 years and have not been able to get past. the girl will show mass interest so I'll try to make things happen. But one of two things end up happening. The first result is she'll act surprised that I try to make plans or get her number and she act like she was in shock, like she didn't see it coming. But that very rarely happens. The second results which happens a lot more is usually with somebody I run into or work with a lot and I'll get their number and they seem interested but as soon as I start texting them in trying to make plans they act cold and aloof. Making it just about impossible to seal the deal and keep them out of order rejection. So after getting nowhere with making plans or through texting I'll run into him again and not act as interested as I was before. Then they will try to get my attention and act more interested when its face to face. So I'll start trying to hit em up to make plans and they will start acting cold and aloof again. So I end up just giving up and I'm tired of wasting my time. And then I watch them go into auto reject mode after I start ignoring them and stop trying to push things foward. how do I get out of this repetitious cycle? It's getting to the point where I don't even try because it's the same results over 3 years in a row. and I don't act interested anymore. And I watch girls continually give me signs of interest untill they eventual become bitter towards me. which really sucks since this affects my work environment. I'll get individual girls and women acting really bitter and rude towards me. I'm starting to realize that women, even beautiful women, are a lot more sensitive and have less self esteem and we men think they do.
So how do we push forward if we can't get them to hang out even though
there acting interested but wont lock down a time and place to build comfort?

Anonymous's picture

Chase doesn't reply to old posts anymore. I'd suggest you post this in the forum or in the comments section of some of the latest articles.

I'm having exactly this issue too and would love to understand what exactly is going on as well.

Anonymous's picture

The thing is, there are plenty of women who go into auto reject the moment they lay eyes on you, and they then have an immediate disliking of you and try to show you non-verbal signs of contempt. There are a lot of physically unappealing and generally unattractive women out there, and if you don't appear to be a desperate loser, you know, a guy that she might actually attract because he has no money and no options and would simply be happy having sex with a goat, if he could get his hands on one, well, if you don't fit that description these women will auto reject and they will try to make you feel like you are being rejected. These are women who would not even be a bleep on your radar screen, and yet they are sending non-verbal torpedoes below your water line, salvo after salvo if they are around you long enough. They may even get vocally offensive or physically aggressive. Some of them may look like they are packing testosterone in their gonads; short, stalking, hulky, hurly burly, lantern jawed, bow legged beasts that they sometimes are. Basically, those garbage piles can trash your self esteem on a subconscious level by giving you rejecting, dismissive and offensive glares, sneers and stares. If you experience such negativity several times a day or more often, that is going to inform your subconscious that women don't find you attractive, even though these are she-beasts that you are not the least bit interested in.

Paul96's picture

If this were true, wouldn't celebrities never have girlfriends?

AnonFella's picture

Hey man, I came across your blog and I must say this is cutting edge. Really amazing, amazing insight. I myself have been discovering the same things but with different names. Though i've only had one lay and a bunch of make outs in the last 2 years from cold approach. So my application of the principles is really needed to be turned up. But I wanted to say great blog and keep it up you really hit the nail hard on each and every point.

Can you make an article on passive eye contact? Say you walk in a club, what should your immediate aim and vibe be like. If you are not yet in set with a girl, how do you control eye contact. Are you fishing for interested women? Are you avoiding altogether. I find that much of my auto-rejection would happen before I even approach, simply because:

1) I don't know how to reciprocate a woman's eye contact, since I am not sure whether it is positive or negative (its usually very vague). So I end up ignoring it altogether.

2) OR I end up doing extended eye contact showing my full attention to her invitation to the point where even is she was interested and even if I am not NEEDY, in her mind she feels that i must be and becomes obligated to throw up a bitch shield.

So really man can you give me some solid tips and advice on some basic fundamental behaviours I can include in my game, that will avoid her building any resentment to me. And that I can use to then warm sets for approach later.

GodKingMessiah's picture

This is really accurate information unlike the bullshit floating around the web. It makes a lot of sense and really, I just have to apply it consistently now, just this years i've let slip atleast 3 women from auto-rejection related stuff.

Anonymous Fem's picture

Thanks for the fantastic article. I can relate to this very well - there's a guy whom I've [cough] been head over heels for these last...[a while] and there's a strange push-pull between us; recently he didn't pay me enough attention and yes, I went into auto-rejection.
I got here through your "anger" post, which is exactly what I did - I was angry and frustrated with him for seeming just not into me [after flirting with me just the day before!!!]. I felt led on, played. I don't think I was, - it was an emotional overreaction - added to, yes, um, high sexual tension around him....

What I wanted to ask was this: does auto-rejection happen in men, too? Because after I started to be aloof with him, he got aloof and frustrated, angry, irritable around me, too. Despite wanting to spend time together.