Get Her to Say “Yes”: Excite Women and Beat Resistance
Friday, 4 January 2013
Today I want to share with a post on eliminating resistance through prevention, and freeing up the women around you to be excited by you.
I want to start out by saying... I’m the LAST person who should be writing this article on how to prevent resistance and actually excite women about saying “yes” (to everything you want them to say “yes” to) -- but the same thing that makes me the last person who should be writing it, also makes me exactly the right man for the job.
What do I mean by this?
As you may know from my previous articles (especially the one on weight loss for men), I wasn’t always exactly the most attractive guy around. I was overweight, unattractive, and the worst of it: I sucked with women.
Strangely, as I grew out of this, and started to refine my fundamentals, becoming progressively more “attractive” meant I started to have even more issues with women... not less.
I became less seductive, and had trouble getting my way. Women were flighty with me, and often trying to burst my bubble. Challenges from girls were around every corner, as if I were being given a pop quiz.. every 5 minutes. Auto-rejection was an ever-present threat, and I had my hands full trying to figure out why girls would drop off the face of the earth when they had just a day prior gave me many compliments. They were slow to move, and had trigger fingers when it came to throwing up walls of resistance to my advances.
These girls were clearly attracted to me; I knew this as the attention I was getting was nowhere near what I had prior to losing weight. Not even close.
But what’s going on here? It sounds like auto-rejection, but it
isn’t really... It wasn’t so much that they were ejecting from my
presence... but rather challenging
it full force as if they had to. Like:
Me: Why are we having platitudes?
Her: We aren’t exchanging platitudes. Was that your word of the day? A little awkwardly used.
Erk... great job, Eric.
In this case, it wasn’t normal testing; and it wasn’t normal auto-rejection. It wasn’t either of those things.
What was it?
It was resistance, and as it turned out, I had been the one causing it. Often you’ve no doubt heard the phrase, “follow the path of least resistance.” Well, I was no stranger to the flip side of this concept... that is to say, taking things down completely the WRONG (resistance-paved) roads.
Today, I’m going to share with you my journey from unattractive, to attractive-but-failing, and then finally: suave... and I’m going to show you how to dispel resistance, not by dealing with it, but by cutting off the root of the problems that cause it to arise in the first place, so that you can excite women instead, and get them saying “yes” to you with relish and abandon.
Of course, you’ve got to be able to identify the symptoms before you can figure out what’s resistance and what isn’t - so that’s where we’ll begin today: with identifying the signs of a woman in resistance to you.
How do you know when you’re running into a resistance problem? Let’s run down a list of signs and symptoms to keep an eye out for.
You have trouble getting compliance, even when asking for small amounts of it. You’ll often find yourself compensating for this with coercion and logic/reason, or doing the converse with submission.
Labels are common and often negative: arrogant, cocky, etc. You find people (like strangers) are quick to compliment you, but the more time spent with them (like friends) the more they try to bring you down a notch.
Women show indications of being interested and attracted to you, but this quickly disappears. Phone numbers are mysteriously disappearing after having them type it into your phone and leaving, or they seem to all have boyfriends.
You have difficulty meeting up with girls, especially second dates. Flakiness is common, and responses to your texts are never happening. If you do get a response, it’ll be a couple days later and quite short / dismissive.
Kissing and physical touch is incredibly difficult, and you almost always incur some amount of resistance. You know you’ve got it bad when you have to manhandle almost every kiss, and drag women around.
Girls are quick at attempting to gain control of the situation, whether that’s walking faster than you or making you chase. You feel as if both of you are always on guard, battling it out to see who will win. Rarely is there cooperation.
If I had to give a rough estimate, I’d say that even only two or three of these signs together would be a good indicator that you’ve got a problem. Maybe even just one would do it.
So what exactly do we need to bring to our attention?
In my experiences, there are four chief recurring culprits that I’ve picked out as the primary causes of this phenomenon:
How you come across
How you treat those around you
How much effort you expend
How quickly you move
These are the major things you MUST focus on to improve your success with women when you’re dealing with recurring resistance.
Navigating resistance is an art in and of itself, and you’re likely to pick up a few related skills as a side benefit while learning this, such as:
- Dealing with challenges more effectively
- Handling last minute resistance better
- Using manhandle kisses well
- Addressing objections properly
- How to handle rejection
A life of overcoming resistance is not the life you HAVE to look forward to if you want to get anywhere with women, though. It’s not a mandatory, necessary part of all interactions, all told. We CAN and MUST live a life as free from resistance as we can possibly get; resistance violates our sprezzatura... it slows things down... it makes them competitive, instead of cooperative.
It shouldn’t have to be this hard. No... seduction WANTS to happen EASILY.
Naturally. It’s essential, and imperative. Your seductions should excite women... not cause them to
stop and think and resist and hem and haw.
So let’s home in on what we need to get this handled, and start knocking it out one at a time.
What we’re going to examine primarily in this article is how you can fix resistance from the ground up. Less firefighting, and more fire prevention, you might say.
So rather than giving you much “when she says this, you do that” and
“when she does that, you do this,” the
is going to be on how you can tweak and change yourself and your
approach with women to never even elicit the resistance response in the
first place... and, thus, leave women
free to feel excited around you, without ever having to stop and check
with themselves if, yes, it’s okay to proceed forward with this man.
How You’re Coming Across
A member on the Girls Chase discussion board posted a topic on this question and inspiring this article. The poster had this to say:
“Just wondering if anyone has any tips on not coming off as arrogant or a know it all. I've been trying to fix this problem of mine for the past year. Recently it has been starting to affect my relationships with friends, family and lovers. People say I'm arrogant a know it all and mr perfect. They usually say it when I'm trying to help or when I'm just curious about how they did something. Is it my tone of voice? My vibe? Or just what I say?. Ill be honest I do like giving advice cause I like helping people. Should I only give advice when asked? I personally don't think I am arrogant at all specially cause I like learning from other people, and I strongly believe no one man is better than another. Anyways any advice would be appreciated.”
99% of the time, there’s a social status disparity lying at the root of this... and when that’s the case (and it usually is), it invariably boils down to one of two possible things:
Either you’re higher in perceived status than you’re acting like you are, and there’s a disconnect... or you’re lower perceived status than you’re acting like you are, and there’s a disconnect.
Let’s have a look at each.
You’re HIGHER in Perceived
Status Than You Think You Are
This is often the case with those who are simply are trying to help and are also very confident.
What’s really happening is your actions do not line up with your perceived status. People think highly of you, and when you try to help it comes off as intimidating or commanding.
Of course, like in Chase’s article on responding to challenges, lower status people only know how to respond this by tearing you down. This is why you get challenged so often. It’s also why women flake so much; they are too nervous to see you.
You’re too far out of their league, so they either go the lengths to compete with you (in order to defend their pride from imagined slights), or they give up (to get away from the imagined stream of submission and humiliation). They don’t want to give up kisses or be touched because that’s the only power they have left over you.
You’re LOWER in Perceived Status
Than You Think You Are
This is quite the paradox...
On one hand, you’re in a situation where you believe yourself to be higher in status, much like #1, but on the other: your actions say otherwise.
- You may be clumsy with your words, and inefficient.
- You may waste too much energy, and often appear to be a jester or awkward.
- You might have baggy clothes, and lack a sense of fashion.
- You might have a cold outward appearance, and lack warmth.
- You could be fumbling logistics, when you shouldn’t be.
- You could be obviously trying to “game” her.
People read relatively graceless social actions and behaviors as implying that you’re of a man of lesser social value, and they begin treating you accordingly.
They don’t take you seriously, and have no reason to.
They’ll flake because they see little value in continuing relations.
They don’t want to be touched because they have lost most of the attraction, but are still sticking around because they are excited by your aggressiveness.
Your vibe or outward appearance is not in line with your actual inner-character, and it may appear as a deep insecurity to outsiders. See these articles for more on this:
This is generally a form of not socially calibrating correctly (much like being creepy is a result of):
If you’re confident, but are high status and don’t realize it, you’ll often invariably raise your status too high by undercutting your value (and thus pumping it even higher).
Likewise, if you are confident, but low status and don’t realize it, you’ll come off as narcissistic which will drop you even further down the social ladder.
So what can we do? How do we know where we stand on the social ladder, and how do we know if our actions are aligned with our confidence levels?
In reality, we can’t ever
know for sure. We can only
hypothesize, and make guesses as to which rung we’re on... And the
worst part is, everyone perceives you differently. You may run into an
unattractive, overweight woman who dismisses you as a clown before you
can even get a “hello” off, and then the next girl you talk to is thin,
beautiful, and intelligent, with a sparkling personality and impeccable
fashion taste, and she thinks you’re the highest ranking “alpha male” she’s met all week.
Knowing whether you’re normally experiencing the “too low status” problem or the “too high status” problem, and then treating it, may at first glance appear rather challenging, as both scenarios manifest similar problems, yet the two are radically different, and have radically different solutions.
But, fortunately, this actually isn’t much of a problem at all. To fix it, we simply need to focus on both problems at the same time.
The Two Problems: Effort and Fundamentals
The two main things that cause resistance are these: actions, and social acceptability. If you’re expending effort in bad ways, it makes it hard for others to follow the path of least resistance and follow you.
This also applies to your fundamentals. If you’re a social klutz and don’t have a pleasant appearance, you’re going to make it difficult to be around you.
If you make it difficult for the person with you to conform to your actions, you are asking for trouble (in the form of resistance and objections).
You’re expending too much energy. Regardless of your social status, you’re working too hard. Learn to tone it down a bit. Here are some tips to safeguard you against any objections.
1. Speak less about your stories and yourself.
One problem with speaking about your stories and yourself, while helpful and often inspiring, is that it has this weird double-edged sword effect. First, it’ll raise your social status and if you’re already too high, it’ll intimidate, so it’s best left alone. Secondly, it will make you less mysterious, and thus less desirable.
Intimidation plus boredom does not a romance make.
Take a look at these sample conversation snippets:
Girl: “I want to travel more but I’m not sure what to do.”
Guy: “Well I made the decision to travel, and it was worth it. I traveled to ___ and saw ___ and it was amazing! You’ve got to do it!”
Girl: “Wow, that sounds cool.”
While the above does get the point across, and helps her in a way
showing how “cool” it is... it
doesn’t really leave you with any
mystique. A better solution would be to bait her a little into asking
more, and then
deep dive. For example:
Girl: “I want to travel more but I’m not sure what to do.”
Guy: “It’s worth it. What are you unsure about?”
Girl: “Well my parent’s don’t really want me to move out so I guess it’s holding me back a bit.”
Guy: “Your parents?”
Girl: “Yeah, I live with them still.. we’ve been having some problems lately”
Guy: “Like what?”
The first sample conversation didn’t go very far. Not only did the man in the example fail to generate any sort of intrigue, but he also failed to make her feel special. This is where you’ll get labeled being egotistic and narcissistic from: when you try to help using stories. It doesn’t work, except in small, perfectly timed doses. If stories are elicited from you when women ask, then tell them (that’s how baiting works), but otherwise, set these aside.
On the other hand, example two did the job very well. The girl mentioned traveling, and the guy told her in a powerful de-facto manner that it was entirely worth it (as if he knows from experience), but then shows that he cares about her circumstances.
He deep dives by thread-cutting into her family situation, also figures out logistics along the way.
He discreetly figured out that her place is no good, and prevented any extra resistance he would have gotten by clumsily trying to move her over to her place. He did this all while bonding and creating a connection, possibly also inspiring her to travel.
2. Give advice only when asked to... and half ass it when you do.
Rather unfortunately you can’t help people simply by giving advice. You have to inspire them to change, typically by questioning their belief system. It’s the only way to really shake someone up, so doing things like expending effort really won’t have any effect that’s beneficial.
If you’re too high in status, there’s no reason you should be trying to force people to change, they should simply follow in your example.
Conversely, if you’re lower in status you won’t be taken seriously. Have people work for your advice, don’t just give it away.
Actually, if you give advice in general you run the risk of being slotted into the boyfriend or friends territory. It’s not conductive to seduction. It prevents you from entering a romantic mood, and you end up providing too much value.
Goodbye romance... helloooo friend zone.
3. Downplay yourself, and spend less effort teasing.
Throw out any concept you have of negging. While it is good to add some fiery flavor to your personality by testing the waters with negging, it’s also good to discard it entirely.
We generally like people who make us happy (as evidenced by this paper
published by the NIH).
Over-teasing and most of using negs at all is a huge waste of effort, and operates on the assumption that you’re lower status to begin with. Any effort you spend teasing is effort you could be potentially using to move girls or chase frame, or even downplay yourself.
If you downplay yourself while being high status, it makes you relatable.
If you make fun of yourself while being low, it boosts your status by showing your confidence.
Small-penis jokes are always great here.
State is important though, be mindful of coming off as feeling inadequate.
4. Ignore any and all challenges.
Again, no social ladder climbing.
We only have a rough idea of where we are, and we are trying to fix that. Also ignore any attempts of setting up a battle as a way of flirting, it’s only going to cause resistance.
Ignoring challenges is low effort; answering challenges normally is too much.
Responding will toss you down lower on the social ladder further, so
it’s not ideal. Instead, ignore, whenever and wherever possible; it’s
5. Speak even less.
A bit different from #1, speak even less by getting compliance through nonverbals.
We’ve covered not talking too much about yourself by telling stories, but if that doesn’t fix our resistance problems we can simply speak less.
Instead of using our resistance-promoting words we just need to use alternative methods. Use your nonverbals to seduce, and your body to move.
You can do this using four main techniques.
Hand gestures to close proximity for arousal
Move using your hands to push/guide her along, like on her back
Maintain conversation using deep diving
For the higher status, this is low effort and will maintain your image.
For the lower, it will serve to raise your status.
Dominance is key here, and should be perfected. Like I introduced in my article on efficiency in seduction: these things are intertwined. Being more dominant allows you to move faster and with less resistance.
Dominant men don’t have to put up with resistance; they aren’t the ones running through traffic: the cars stop for them instead.
6. Follow paths of least resistance.
Almost as if it were the alternative to being dominant; following the path of least resistance also allows you to get what you want (but, of course, combining the two works best).
What I want to focus on in particular is trying to have women explain their actions or reasons for what they want to do. Giving them an excuse is much better and less resistant than calling them out and forcing them to admit it.
For example, what not to do:
“Hey, why are you so distant, even though you like me so much?”
Versus a better solution:
“Hey, let’s go to my car, It’s nice and warm there. I’d prefer it to the cold.”
In the first example he tries to eliminate the awkward distance by
questioning her motives, and applying pressure. In the second example
he does it gracefully but by changing the logistics, and allowing a
good social excuse to do it. If he had said “Hey, let’s go to my car to
have sex,” conversely, he’s a fair bit less likely to get the result he
wants (although there are always exceptions).
Likewise, this applies to yourself. Don’t promote resistance by making it harder to accept outings. It’s easier on women if you ask them out just to relax rather than a date.
“Hey, I’m bored, let’s chill for a bit.”
“Hey, let’s go out on a date. Dinner of course, and maybe some wine tasting afterwards. The place I’m thinking of is pretty fancy you’ll need to dress up.”
This again applies to power-shifts like getting friend zoned. If she brings up wanting to be friends with you:
“I’m not your friend, I just want to sleep with you,” will lead to metric tons of resistance, but may still excite her because it’s daring. You might even get a good reaction out of it, like her sexual arousal... but good luck navigating through logistics.
Ignoring it would be even better. It leads to little to no resistance, and offers little insight into your mind as to what you’re looking for in the relationship. It intrigues her and follows the path of least resistance.
7. Remove any barriers of entry.
This one really sucks after you realize it, because by the time it’s too late she will have moved on.
“Okay, I’ve got to go... it was nice hanging out with you!”
Work on removing ANY barriers between you and her. Barriers are evil little things that prevent escalation. Some of the things to look out for:
- Purses or objects being placed in between you two
- Her sitting on a chair and you on the couch
- Friends or any sort of time-restrictions
- Places where there are others around
- Computers or phones
Basically, any sort of distance.
This includes any conversational distance such as phones. Stay off of yours and she’ll be inclined to stay off hers.
The minimum you should be at is
within arms length, and if you’re
too far you need to remove that barrier. Giving quizzical looks will
work with the more socially savvy women, but for some you’ll have to
give a bit of social pressure by pointing out her weird behavior, e.g.:
“Why are you so far away? Weirdo.”
Anything that will bring attention to the awkwardness, and making her seem silly for causing it. A chuckle or smirk can work well in tandem with these to take some edge off the pressure, otherwise they can sometimes be too strong.
This is another look at labels. Previously I mentioned their relation to stigma, but this is a good way of using it as social pressure to diffuse awkwardness. The path of least resistance is favoring the conformity of closeness, rather than maintaining the distance of being apart.
You’ll see women do this in other ways as well, by baiting you into doing things or bringing attention away from something they don’t want to answer.
“Don’t hate me!”
“Why are you doing that?”
“You’re sure like to pry, huh?”
A good command for closing proximity will also work here, “Come closer,” and if she rejects that: “Just come..”
8. Don’t coerce. Use intrigue instead.
If you find yourself the one-down, the one not getting his way.. don’t fret. Relax and stop trying to obtain it through force.
It’s one of the reasons I give for the above, “Just come..” as a response to resistance. Rather than coercing to get our way, we just need to give a bit of social pressure.
Coercion comes from a place of weakness - it comes as a response to opposition. But without opposition the word coercion becomes cooperation, and with a solid argument you don’t really get resistance.
Likewise, not participating in arguments results in more favorable results.
Instead of grabbing her and manhandling, generate intrigue instead. Sometimes, if closing the distance doesn’t work -- try to widen the distance.
Tempt her by walking away, or pulling back when you’re just about to kiss.
Generating intrigue creates a follower mentality, and if you just take off walking instead of coercing her she’ll follow instead (again, path of least resistance).
9. Don’t go showing clumsy or aloof non-verbals.
A good reason to not keep your hands in your pockets, or show signs of disinterest with your body language.
A common problem people have that results in trying to become more “suave” while working on lowering effort is that it results in being too aloof.
When it comes to your state and presence, focus not on lowering the level of energy you output, but rather what kind of energy and the quality of that energy you output instead. If you put out no energy, you are cold. If you put out a lot of energy, you are hot. Focus on being hot and sexy, not aloof (or even worse... cold...).
Likewise, you can be putting out a lot of bad energy, like a crazy party girl. It’s not productive for romance.
If you have a propensity toward an angry-looking face, now’s the time to work on that.
10. Show confidence with your ability to be comfortable and pleasant.
Posture is key, as well as experience. Learn to be comfortable with proximity, and while also being dominant. Colt covered a few of these in his social skills segment about reading and using body language. Don’t be afraid to get just a tiny bit closer than you’re used to.
Pleasantry also includes smiles. Focus on having a warm, lovely, graceful smile that you always greet people with. You’ll find that you can get away with so many more social faux pas with little more than a good smile.
Lean in some more when at someone’s side, and focus on great eye contact. Look interested, while also maintaining calm comfortable body language.
Cross your legs a little, and keep your arms by your sides. Laugh and warmly accept stories, jests, and other such things from the people you speak with.
Imagine yourself as a nobleman or duke, and be pleasant with all your interactions. When you smile, let your eyelids drop. Sometimes you’ll be fine even resting your eyes closed as you smile.
11. Remove any... extra... barriers.
Similar to the above, this deals with barriers of resistance when it comes to clothing. Not a very common tip or very useful, but I may as well bring it up. A good reason to wear easy access clothes like stretchy pants is for... well... easy access. It’s most effective in places like strip clubs, but also helpful for seduction.
Never hurts to be able to quick-draw... although not at the cost of looking good of course. I won’t deny that I’ve met up with a few girls for coffee in my pajamas, though.
12. Remove words from your vocabulary, and be more pleasant.
A good article that peeks a little bit into this is Chase’s coverage of the word “No” in “Never Say "No" to a Girl - Do This Instead,” and how it relates to how people end up liking you.
Limit your use of unpleasant behaviors, such as outright objections in conversation or discussions.
Prevent your use of intelligence flaunting, or correction. You don’t need to be correcting speech errors or other forms of faults. Everyone has them, and holding others of the expectation of perfection is asking for resistance.
Oh - and be very wary of your use of the word, “Actually...”
There are also a few other tips you can use to disable resistance and free women to feel excitement that come straight from the psych and business books.
Acceptance is gained easily through receiving gifts, and it’s typically never a bad idea to accept a gift. The only times when it’s not particularly good is when they are offering an item they wish to keep, such as when being polite. A good example of this is an offer to give up their seat. However, this does mean you should accept those sweets and tarts from a girl, even if you’re on a diet. It also includes smaller offerings such as gum or mints.
A tip from the business world is when making offers, include three options instead of one or two, and never more.
One is being inconsiderate of another’s opinion.
Two is seen as an ultimatum, and should also be limited.
Three is the sweet equilibrium.
Four and more is treading on indecisiveness, and requires too much thinking.
Treading the equilibrium helps because while they in reality don’t really have a choice, you’re offering them alternatives which gives a sense of security in the decisions they make. The outcome is clear if you give two garbage suggestions and one good one.
“Well, we can go to my place where it’s warm, or we can stay outside in the cold, or we could stick around in this loud place where we can’t really relax and chat.”
Would ideally be better than:
“Hey, we’re going to my place.”
And if you give an ultimatum:
“Well we can either go to my place or go outside in the cold.”
... you could easily just get a nice slice of rejection as your response from her:
“Or we can just stay here.”
Another good thing to learn is gaining compliance. A balance is also required here.
Even simple requests gain compliance from others, and will rapidly improve your success with women.
Work your way up the ladder of requests when in interactions by ramping up the magnitude of requests:
Ask for something: “Hey, can you pass the salt?”
Demand, “Hey, pass the salt.”
Move, “Let’s go.”
The more compliance you get, the more you’ll find women sticking around, and the less resistance and more excitement you get later on. The more invested someone is in you the fewer objections they will have to your advances.
But If You Still Have Women
We have a huge problem. We fixed all these problems and we’re still getting resistance. We are loved, and girls swoon over our presence. We even receive some of these new benefits for fixing both our effortlessness and fundamentals:
Compliments are way more frequent, and conversation almost always switches over to you in groups
People come to you for advice, and look up to you
You’re talked about as a ladies’ man, and a possible sex object
You’re seen as kind, yet mysterious
Girls will throw themselves at you, and you’ll get approached more often
And yet here we still are, back at the same problem, only slightly different.
Women will gladly go on dates with you, but never a second one.
They will compliment you, but won’t stick around.
They will talk about you to their friends, but never invite you out.
They will make-out with you, but nothing ever further.
What’s going on NOW?
There are only two words you should have on your mind at this point: Move. Faster.
Eliminate “second date” from your vocabulary, and instead of first date -- think first night. With better fundamentals and sprezzatura, you’ll be expected to work fast. You need to live up to your status, and strike effortlessly while it’s hot. There’s no room for error; you need to capitalize flawlessly.
Think that’s the curse of the man with his game down tight? Well, it doesn’t stay a curse for long... because you adapt, you acclimate to the expectations women have for you, and instead of poking along, you start moving quickly with women, and getting a lot more excitement and a lot less resistance from them than all the guys who don’t have this side of things handled and move a lot more slowly than you do.
By handling resistance at the root, you free yourself to help excite women about saying “yes” to you and really immersing themselves in enjoying you as a lover and romantic partner.
And then you look back at all those poor guys still dealing with resistance from girls they’ve been courting for weeks or months and who are anything but excited about them, and you shake your head.
If only they treated it at the root...
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