Coming Out on Top: Power Struggles in Your Relationships | Girls Chase

Coming Out on Top: Power Struggles in Your Relationships

In the piece on Dale Carnegie’s advice, a commenter asked about dealing with power struggles:

Hey Chase this is a great article. Could you do an article about how to handle power struggles in friendships? I find it really has to do with investment. For example, my friend wants me to meet him somewhere, but I want him to meet me. Its like five minutes away, but its a power struggle thing. I get really annoyed when people do this because I’d like to have friends who don’t try to make things a competition like this. But I also have learned from this site that everyone is like this. Can you help me out?

In the end, power struggles are always about the same thing, whether they’re in your romantic or sexual relationships, or your platonic ones – and I’ll cover all of these and everything else in the scope of this article.

power struggles

There’s little more frustrating than having to deal with the relationship equivalent of guerilla warfare, but this is exactly what power struggles are – someone using frame control attempts, passive aggression, moral superiority and other forms of social subterfuge to undermine your position and climb the social ladder to a position above you in the hierarchy.

Not fun at all... and frequently quite draining.

So let’s talk about how power struggles come about, and what you can do once you realize you’re in one.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Alcaeus's picture

Hey Chase,

Solid article as usual. Certainly gave me a birds-eye-view understanding of power struggle relationship/dynamics.

Lately a power struggle has been gnawing at me and has come to the forefront of my daily interactions.

I have lost immense social value in my group as this dude has been vying for attention and social power at my expense.

I blame my current low status mostly on myself, because as I practiced my law of least effort social calibration, some insults, and passive aggressive attacks have damaged me without my realization that I needed to address said attacks, instead of 'letting them role of my back'.

Instead the mentality I was rocking was, "I'm beyond such insults, look at the tool try to climb me for social prestige; How adorable." However, I have lost my position as the chill, super layed back dude, that builds everyone up. I was relegated into a loser, who brings no social value to the group and can be pushed over.

The 'leader' is gaining ground because he now chastises me openly and is awarded with a chuckle every now and again from the other members of the group at my expense. Whereas in the beginning, no one dared try to insult me because I was too mature and mysterious (didn't know what I was capable of), then the power struggles were met with silent onlooking from the other members and now it's at the point of open laughter.

Today I dealt with it as best I could. Called him out on it. "The next time you say something slick to me, I'ma brake your teeth, then I'ma break your face. Don't fuck with me bitch nigga!" First time I gave a threat in months! I was half honest about punching him but it was effective. The onlookers in the group got quiet with thrill and anticipation and the 'leader' backpedaled, "Hey bro, chill." "You sneaky ass rat, watch how you talk to me from now on bro. Real talk." He began to nervously chuckle it off. But I maintained intense eye contact and after grilling him for 3 seconds I looked over him in an "I'm above you" manner. Then got back to work and ordered a classmate to fetch a tool we needed as I read the instructions, and the 'leader' uncomfortably shuffled and fidgeted.

Chase, that was shit I learned from middle school in the hood, and though it is primitive, it got the results I was looking for. I was curious if you knew a more socially adept way of displaying your dominance/quelling power-struggles/ or straight up avoiding that shit because now I feel that though I won that battle if a confrontation like that happens again we really are going to fight.

And fights are a lose, lose...

-Alcay

David Riley's picture

Hey Alcay,

"Niggas talk shit till get lock jaw everybody plays the tough guy till shit pop off." - A$AP Rocky

Unfortunately, when dealing with certain types of people these confrontations will happen until it's properly addressed. Ignoring problems doesn't do anything but make them grow worse. When people go to disrespect you, don't ignore it call them on it in the beginning. You should never let things slide, especially when you're dealing with aggressive cats in the hood. They will walk all over you and disrespect you in front of everybody if given the opportunity. It only gets worse from there.

"Hey man, I'm gonna need you to watch the attitude. I feel like you're taking some serious shots at me. That doesn't fly around here." When you address the problem upfront. It lessens the likely hood of it happening again. I'm from the Midwest, and I had to deal with these kind of circumstances all the time. Until I learned to stop letting them slide.

Be easy,

Just Dave

mrpresident's picture

Chase; great article, as always. I have a question for you, however. So I recently moved back to State A from State B, the former of which I grew up in and have most of my family and friends, as well as all my former hookups. About a month ago, this girl I used to hang out with messaged me via social media. A few years ago, we went on probably 4 dates, hung out a lot, she would refer to "us" and "we" a lot in doing every day things, and she actually slept over a few times although we never had sex, because she told me she didn't want to sleep with me too fast; then, one day, she lost interest and it abruptly ended. After reading your website for awhile, I now know I was put into boyfriend territory and her level of attraction/interest faded after a few dates (I should have moved swiftly and bedded her), but alas. So anyway, I no longer have her number, and the only communicative medium for me to contact her is social media. So how do I approach her again, if at all? I know she's available and want to re-connect with her in the right way. Any advice? What would you do in my situation? Much obliged, Chase.

tayoisrich's picture

Your case is similar to three situations that I have been in... Mr man, you lost your chance by NOT making your move to sleep with her after 2, 3 or 4 dates! Just keep improving yourself and keep going out to meet more girls. Move on, Move on & Move on!!! I am sure Mr Chase & Mr Colt is tired of these kind of questions... there are more than 100,000 beautiful girls in your state... go and approach some of them instead of looking back at your fuck up (it happens to all of us).... it is healthy for you... remember abundance mentality (look for that article on this site).... you would thank me later on if you just take my advice!

I hear voices in my head...

Witt's picture

Great article as always, Chase!

The dynamics of social maneuvering has always piqued my curiosity and you definitely shed some new light on the issue. There's a situation I'm wondering if you have any suggestions on.

A good friend of mine has this tendency to be somewhat contrarian. He's a great guy, tons of fun and provides a lot of value in my life, so I don't want to just walk away. However, it can get a bit annoying and could potentially have social consequences.

For example: A while back we were planning a camping trip and getting a gauge on the weather. I mentioned a forecast I had seen and his response was essentially "Yeah, but that website's not very accurate." It's mostly petty stuff like that and a general need to tell you why the way he does things is better. For the most part I don't really care. Sure it's petty but whatever, that's him being him. However, a flat out rejection of value you try to offer definitely does not look good. That's not something I want a girl I'm with seeing.

Are there any good responses to situations like this?

I appreciate it, thanks!

David Riley's picture

Hey Witt,

It's best to talk to your friend about these types of problems and bring it to their attention first. Just tell him you don't feel comfortable bringing a girl around if he's going to be trying to undermine. Overall, if your friend is still a good friend he'll understand and will try not to do it as much. Just say it in a calm manner and let him know how it makes you feel at times. Say, "I feel undermined when I try to . . ." or "I don't feel my input is being appreciated as much anymore." You want to bring it out in the open and not let it fester.

Just Dave

jj123's picture

Chase,

I know you've responded to a request of mine before by writing an entire post, but may I suggest another one? How about writing about or listing the specific signs that a woman has issues with men, and why such women should generally be avoided. Including, the sorts of things she'll say in regular conversation about men, what sorts of things she'll tell you about her exes, her general demeanor toward you, whether past cop calling means anything significant in the present context (even if she insists she was in real danger from a guy), how to interpret that she's relatively young (under 30) and already divorced, any gender-based double standards she believes in, etc. While it's common in this modern, Western culture for guys reading a site like this one, or complaining about "bad luck" with women to be labeled as having "woman issues," it does still seems that an even greater number of women (though by no means all) have "man issues," starting with resisting the calling out of double standards that disfavor men. Of course, this is OK.

Thanks again!

David Riley's picture

Hey JJ,

Noted, I will let Chase and the other authors know.

Just Dave

jijoe's picture

Man, how do you deal with people who try to tear you
down in high school using insults,... Any tips on appearing cool in these situations?
Like maybe wearing a smile while trying to answer them.
You said they called you "comeback king" so I guess you were really good
at NOT letting people getting you down.
Thanks man

David Riley's picture

Hey Jijoe,

It comes from an attitude of "I'm not the one". People will pick on people who they feel won't fight back. Once you start getting back at them and saying remarks, they'll back off. You can't be afraid of them. Just smile and say "Are you done?" Almost as if you're dealing with a child who's having a tantrum. You could also say "You must really like me with all this attention you've been giving me." This will make people feel uneasy and it starts to get to them. Especially, once you start mocking them and stealing their fire.

Just Dave

Dilusha's picture

Chase,

I'm Dilusha from Sri Lanka. You may not even heard of our country. :D First of all, a Great article again. And I got something curious to ask. I read your article about having sex with American girls. There you've mentioned that American girls like foreign men a lot more than local men. But you've only mentioned about European and South American men. I just wanna know if the attraction is the same for South Asian men like me. Physically Us (Sri Lankans) aren't much different from Indians. Same physical features as Indians. But my skin complexion is a bit darker. Like Obama. :D Actually not only American girls, but all white girls on South Asian men like me. What do you think? Are they racist against dark skinned Asians like Us? :D

David Riley's picture

Hey Dilusha,

A lot of this has to do with fundamentals and experience. Some girls just don't know how to properly respond to foreign men because they've never personally interacted with them. As a result they may seem more reserved at times. You have to get them to relax and put them at ease. You can say, "You must not meet a lot of guys like me." Say it in a playful manner though. This will bring to her attention that she's acting weird and she'll stop. Some American girls are more open minded than others, you just have to find the more open minded girls.

Take care,

Just Dave

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