4 Things That Will LOSE You Your Girlfriend

So let’s say you do a great job with everything we’ve covered so far in the relationship series. You romance a girl, make her fall in love with you, weed out relationship drama, and build yourself a happy, healthy, rewarding relationship. There’s no way for you to lose a girlfriend now… right?

Well… not quite.

As it were, there are exactly FOUR ways to lose your girl, and quickly.

And you don’t have to do all of them.

You just have to do ONE of them.

lose a girlfriend

Because in the case of relationships, just ONE of these is all it takes to break Humpty Dumpty to pieces and cause you to lose your girlfriend for good.

Below, I list out what exactly of these four ways are… and what the one exception is to this rule of four.

How to Lose a Girlfriend: The 4 Ways

In no particular order, the 4 ways to lose a girlfriend are:

  1. Being too weak: If you behave like a wuss and if you jump every time she tells you to, if you call her too often and show more interest than she’s showing you, if you act clingy or needy in any way, she WILL lose interest in you. No exceptions, no free passes.

  2. Fighting too much: Relationships are based on an emotional exchange first and foremost. Does she feel good when she’s around you or not? If she experiences mostly positive emotions around you, she will stay. If she does not, she won’t. So keep fights to a minimum. The exception to this rule are girls that don’t believe they deserve happy emotions – but we’ve weeded those out in the article about how to find the right girl.

  3. Bad sex: I think this needs no further explanation. Read our article about how to be a good lover if you want to be sure that you will rock her world every time and never lose her because she goes to sleep unsatisfied, rather than exhausted from cumming so damn often!

  4. Taking her for granted: Even if the sex is good, and you are neither too weak nor fighting with her too much, you can still lose her if she feels neglected or like you’re taking her for granted. This is a particularly insidious trap, because in this scenario she will likely look for another guy to meet her unfulfilled emotional needs, rather than make a clean break with you first – and a breakup is a lot harder to deal with if you know that your girl is having sex with another man while you’re sitting in your room depressed and missing her. REALLY watch out for this one – it’s a biggie.

One of my students once asked me how in the world his girlfriend managed to make him work within her frames so much. She seemed to have some kind of magic power, and even when he was setting frames, she was already ahead of him and he was playing catch-up. The answer is simple… in that situation, the man is already the One-Down.

You see – the individual with the stronger frame control absorb the frames of the individual with the weaker control. That means that whoever is most sure of what he is communicating will prevail. If you say something with absolute conviction, most people will perceive it to be true, unless it goes contrary to one of their core values.

There is another element to this, however: frames are given strength by investment... and investment follows status and value. Since being the One-Up is inherently the higher status position in a relationship, the One-Down will unconsciously find himself investing more than the One-Up.

lose a girlfriend

I know, this stuff can really make your head spin. Read it again if it’s not entirely clear. Psychology is quite a messy subject, but once you understand it, you can use that understanding to have better relationships… so that’s the silver lining!

The One Exception to the 4 Ways

Sometimes, you can also lose a girlfriend through no fault of your own. One thing to realize is that humans are really not wired for life-long monogamy. Some people make it work, sure… but that doesn’t mean that it’s our natural state of being. Just like some people work the night shift and make that work, even though we haven’t naturally evolved to be up all night (though the internet seems to be starting to change that!).

Think about it… if it was really human nature to stay with one partner forever, there would never have been a need for the institution of marriage in the first place… couples would get and stay together naturally, automatically and spontaneously. The very fact that marriage exists belies the idea of life-long monogamy.

This point is related to something we discussed earlier in this series – romantic love passes, it does not last forever. And what are you going to do once it is gone?

Some people stay together, because they enjoy the transformation in their relationship and they’re still bonded enough to each other to make the relationship work without being “in love”, the way they were in the beginning.

Others do not – some people (and I count myself among that group) have a strong desire to experience the kind of passion only fresh love can bring. And for those people, the two year drop will always come with a decision – to break up or not? That means there is a fair chance your girl will make this decision, and a fair chance she will make it not in favor of your relationship, and you lose a girlfriend.

Or worse – she may not have any intentions of breaking up, but her biochemistry catches up with her and she develops a crush on another man. I’m not trying to tell you that this will happen, but it can – and it’s good to be aware of it so you don’t take it personally. Don’t blame yourself… and don’t even blame her. It’s the nature of the beast… it’s love in an imperfect world.

Dust yourself off and move on.

Easier said than done, I know… so let’s examine that topic a little closer as well.

Love and Breakup

lose a girlfriendWe have covered a lot of ground here… in this article series, we have discussed all phases of a relationship. From setting goals and deciding on the ideal type of girl you want to be in a relationship with, to finding and screening her, falling in love and setting up a great relationship, all the way up to the two-year drop and the seven-year itch.

There is one final stage that every relationship goes through – the end of the relationship.

In fairy tales and Disney movies, relationships last forever… or do they? Actually, we just don’t see what happens to Aladdin and Jasmine after they’ve been married for two years… or for twenty, for that matter. They probably end up a bickering old couple, like most people that have been together for a very long time – and nobody wants to watch that.

But even if they stayed together forever – every relationship ends at some point, even be it because “death do it part”… and let’s face it, with a divorce rate of over 50%, the breakup rate has to be nearer 90%, since most couples don’t even get married.

When it comes to businesses, every company goes through the stages:

  1. Seed Stage

  2. Startup

  3. Growth Stage

  4. Maturity

  5. Declining

  6. Distress

A business may last for 120 years, but NOTHING lasts forever… and the distress stage is a real thing that happens to a lot of companies. It has been said that 80% of new businesses reach stage six in the first year… and 80% of the ones that don’t reach it within the first five years. Whether these numbers are accurate or not, they’re probably a reasonable ball park… and it’s the exact same thing with relationships.

Love also goes through the same stages:

  1. Flirt Stage

  2. Hookup

  3. Honeymoon Stage

  4. Settled

  5. 2, 4, or 7-year drop

  6. Breakup

A breakup doesn’t always have to be on bad terms… in fact, I’m now very good friends with most of my ex-girlfriends. We stay in touch and if we ever run into each other, we go for a coffee together and have a chat like old buddies. I think that’s fantastic.

Again, I don’t look at those relationships as failed… I think they were very successful, for the duration that they lasted. Just like a company that goes bankrupt after 20 years may have been a real cash cow for the owner, the employees and the investors during those two decades.

In one word – a breakup is not only possible, it’s exceedingly likely. And while you don’t want to go into your relationship explicitly expecting to lose your girlfriend in the end, you should definitely mentally prepare for the possibility. That one mindset shift alone will help you deal with it ten times better if it happens.

How to Survive a Breakup

Before I actually broke up with a girl I really loved, I could never have imagined what kind of excruciating pain that implies. I think a root canal might well be less painful than freeing yourself from the powerful grip of a serious pairbond. A hormone grenade goes off in your loins, and your reptilian brain emotionally forces you to do whatever it takes to get back with the girl you just “lost.”

Your brain doesn’t know that there are 3 billion women for you to choose from in 2012… when it evolved, there were probably only one or two single, young women in the tribe! So it needs to make sure you don’t lose a girlfriend, to get back together with the one you had, or you might not carry your genes into the next generation at all. And how do our brains make sure we do anything? By giving us bone-crushing pain if we don’t!

Your Brain is Dumb

lose a girlfriendWell, the reptilian part of your brain is, anyway. It just doesn’t know any better. And as I discussed in the article about “The Success Factor in Game,” it is stronger than your rational mind – so you can’t simply talk yourself out of these emotions.

I am going to share a lot of time-tested and proven methods to get over your ex quickly. In fact, I once had a blog where I was teaching people exactly that… how to get over your ex. But guess what I found - there isn’t much demand for that kind of information.


Talk about your brain being dumb, right?

But it’s true… check for yourself on Google, nobody is looking for information about getting over a breakup. Can you guess what kind of information people are looking for instead when they go through a breakup? What kind of information IS in demand?

That’s right… how to get your ex BACK.

And that is one of the WORST questions you could be asking yourself right after you lose a girlfriend.

  1. It will make you needy when you talk to her, and decrease the chances of actually getting her back.

  2. It will make the entire process a lot more painful if you DON’T get her back… which you probably won’t, if you try.

I’ve explained before that the best way to START a relationship is with a lot of passion… no matter whether you want a one night stand or a wife.

Similarly, the best way to END a relationship is full steam ahead, and never looking back!

This is hard to do, but it will make you more attractive to her, which is why doing nothing to get her back is your best chance of getting her back. More importantly though, the faster you take the plunge back into a single dude’s lifestyle, the faster you will recover from the emotional shell-shock and the faster you will meet other women.

Which, incidentally is the best way to get over your ex… and I’ve got thirteen tips for you on how to best do exactly that.

But you’ll have to tune in tomorrow to get them! :)

Onward and upward,


UPDATE: read the next article in Ricardus's relationship series right here: Get Over Your Ex: 13 Steps to (Emotional) Freedom.

Ricardus DominoAbout the Author: Ricardus Domino

Ricardus was one of the most prolific and respected coaches in the men’s dating advice industry. He’s dated some of the planet’s most beautiful women, ranging from a Miss World contestant, to a model for Coca-Cola, to one of “Brazil’s Next Top Models.” His specialty is daytime street stops. He is most remembered for his “Are you single?” opening line. Ricardus is currently retired from the dating advice industry.

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Franco's picture

Ironically, one of the most commonly visited pages on this website is How to Get a Girl Back.

If you go to the comments section, you'll see plenty of people asking for advice about how to either not lose their girlfriend or how to get her back after they've already lost her. The answer is plain and simple: you do nothing. For those of you looking for more reasoning on why this is the best answer, you can also check out my post in the comments section of that page which is linked below:

Do Not Chase to Get Her Back

austin's picture

Great artical chase, I really enjoy some of your insights into dating and getting girls. Would you do me a favor and work on a arrival about confidence and how to build it up? I understand how important confidence is but I would like some futher insight on it.


Mikel 's picture

"Or worse – she may not have any intentions of breaking up, but her biochemistry catches up with her and she develops a crush on another man. I’m not trying to tell you that this will happen, but it can "

Ricardus, wasn't there a whole article on how to keep things like this from happening? More specifically the article was the "How to keep your girlfriend from cheating" and it explained how to keep a girl attached to you and ONLY you.

empsrf's picture

Hi Richardus and Chase,

I started using these techniques this year after struggling to lose the nice guy persona. It has worked, I dated four girls this year. Two for a few weeks and two for a few months. Thanks for all the help!

But I do have a significant issue that I am trying to get past. These girls seem more than willing to hook up with me quickly as your techniques attest, but after a few weeks of hook ups (including good sex), they reject me on the basis that I start acting like their boyfriend.

This baffles me. For example, I would text the most recent girl maybe one or two lines every other day, we would hook up when we actually met up and she would have no problem being all lovey dovey with me. When she broke up with me, it was over text on a day she had suggested that I come over. She said that she was on her period, in a bad mood, and she didn't want to lead me on but it was really easy to do to someone as nice as me. I thought it would get back to normal after her period, but she didn't answer my attempts to communicate with her for over a week and then said that she didn't like the supposed pressure to hook up and just wanted to be friends. She acted so attracted to me when ever we were actually together, so this made me really really confused.

Similar things happened with the previous three girls, and now I am convinced that it is something that I am doing or maybe not doing. Have you guys ever encountered someone with this type of issue. I don't know, what to call it, maybe lack of post-game, heh. I have never actually had an official girlfriend, but I have dated one girl for a year. Odd, huh? Another girl in my past have even called me 'my love,' but when it came down to becoming an item, she said that she loved me with all her heart but wasn't in-love with me. These girls ranged from extremely attractive to moderately attractive, with a whole range of personalities.

I would really appreciate some insight.

mr digital 's picture

She is testing you because she actually likes you.

Pepe's picture

Great, insightful article Ricardus. At the end you sugest moving full steam ahead and not chasing in order to be seen as more attractive and less needy, which I totally understand. However, how would you recommend approaching this if the girl felt unappreciated, or just created drama / broke up to see if you "would be willing to fight" ?

Would not chasing still apply here? Could setting up a meeting or somehow showing you're seeking her in order to fix things and put up the proverbial fight work against you?

I'm currently in this situation and have conflicting thoughts as to how to approach it. On one hand, the girl broke up a few days ago with me and seems to have wanted me to try to fight for it a little more (I didn't at the moment because it caught me off guard); on the other hand, I haven't chased nor contacted her since then (nor has she), but I'm considering meeting up with her in order to discuss/fix things.

Tomas's picture

Hi Ricardus!

I have a question, Ricardus... If a woman tells you why she leaves, will you hear the truth or some story that she thinks you want to hear? And if her female friend asks her why she left, will she tell her the truth?

Why this question on you? Sometimes your ex tells a friend... and you get the information from that friend and it´s different from what your ex told you (if she told you at all). I was even in a funny situation where I broke up with a woman. A year later I talked to her female friend and told her about the breakup. And she was surprised because she knew from my ex that she had broken up with me, not the other way around.

What´s your opinion on women´s "explanations"? How much do women rationalize or even flat-out lie?

Thanks, Tomas

heleholo's picture

hi i posted a similar question on another article also . I have been wondering if a girls run for another guy for emotional needs does this means looks similar to rebound phase of lack of commitment break up . I had situation for a really important gilr for me and i had those depression times that she had sex with some one when i was all alone in a very far country and that was really bad . So i want to clearfy may she going to have phases like longing or just start to erase everything in her mind

Tomi's picture

and 80% of the ones that don’t reach it within the first five years.

and 80% of the ones that don’t, reach it within the first five years.

Bex's picture

Hi Chase and Ricardus,

It occurs to me that the article on getting an ex back should revolve around the points mentioned here! In my own situation, the 3 reasons contained in the article, I couldn't decide which of the first 2 applied to me, because it seems like there were aspects of both! The points raised above seem to be more geared towards reasons in a relationship for things going bad! Four reasons, as opposed to the article's 3! And 4 very unique reasons at that! And maybe, maybe it would be a good idea to go in depth into being in a relationship again with someone you recently broke up with, the emotions and tests and so on and so forth that are to be expected, since we know there's no happily ever after, and everything, including the 'playboy' lifestyle, is a full time job! And if that person cheated, and is with someone else, but won't fully 'let you be' (even when you were ready to move on, or forward, without them, until they came back and reactivated your feelings) it becomes even more necessary to know about these things!

As Chase himself has stated, a lot of guys prefer to be in well-functioning relationships! I myself have done the 'playboy' thing! Hell, usually, that's how I normally end up finding the suitable long-term girlfriend, by sleeping with several girls at the same time! But there will always end up being just one! Maybe some of us are just built that way; maybe some of our priorities in life aren't what they were in the past; maybe it's a lack of time etc. etc.

It's not that I don't know how to live that lifestyle! But knowing myself, I know that I'd rather be in a successful relationship, or maybe it's this relationship that I want to see get another chance! So when I've made myself into a strong man, who knows how to control his emotions, isn't needy or too nice, only to suddenly be thrust in a situation that happened because I didn't realise I was coming across as emotionally distant, or appearing to be taking things for granted and didn't display enough emotion in the right moment, and I lose the 2 years I invested in that relationship, which was upset by life intervening, creating an external force that made things difficult that maybe certain other things were being neglected, it rather kinda sucks!

Yes, someone who leaves you has tarnished what you had, and one or both of you are diminished in each others' eyes, but nothing is perfect, which doesn't mean it can't be great! Or that you can't leave it when you're sure that the time for it to end is the right time! Life, and people, despite all we've learned about them, remain ever unpredictable! You do after all have an article that says don't be bitter!

Hope this reaches y'all, and thanks for all the great articles!



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