So let’s say you do a great job with everything we’ve covered so far in the relationship series. You romance a girl, make her fall in love with you, weed out relationship drama, and build yourself a happy, healthy, rewarding relationship. There’s no way for you to lose a girlfriend now… right?
Well… not quite.
As it were, there are exactly FOUR ways to lose your girl, and quickly.
And you don’t have to do all of them.
You just have to do ONE of them.
Because in the case of relationships, just ONE of these is all it takes to break Humpty Dumpty to pieces and cause you to lose your girlfriend for good.
Below, I list out what exactly of these four ways are… and what the one exception is to this rule of four.
How to Lose a Girlfriend: The 4
In no particular order, the 4 ways to lose a girlfriend are:
Being too weak: If you behave like a wuss and if you jump every time she tells you to, if you call her too often and show more interest than she’s showing you, if you act clingy or needy in any way, she WILL lose interest in you. No exceptions, no free passes.
Fighting too much: Relationships are based on an emotional exchange first and foremost. Does she feel good when she’s around you or not? If she experiences mostly positive emotions around you, she will stay. If she does not, she won’t. So keep fights to a minimum. The exception to this rule are girls that don’t believe they deserve happy emotions – but we’ve weeded those out in the article about how to find the right girl.
Bad sex: I think this needs no further explanation. Read our article about how to be a good lover if you want to be sure that you will rock her world every time and never lose her because she goes to sleep unsatisfied, rather than exhausted from cumming so damn often!
Taking her for granted: Even if the sex is good, and you are neither too weak nor fighting with her too much, you can still lose her if she feels neglected or like you’re taking her for granted. This is a particularly insidious trap, because in this scenario she will likely look for another guy to meet her unfulfilled emotional needs, rather than make a clean break with you first – and a breakup is a lot harder to deal with if you know that your girl is having sex with another man while you’re sitting in your room depressed and missing her. REALLY watch out for this one – it’s a biggie.
One of my students once asked me how in the world his girlfriend managed to make him work within her frames so much. She seemed to have some kind of magic power, and even when he was setting frames, she was already ahead of him and he was playing catch-up. The answer is simple… in that situation, the man is already the One-Down.
You see – the individual with the stronger frame control absorb the frames of the individual with the weaker control. That means that whoever is most sure of what he is communicating will prevail. If you say something with absolute conviction, most people will perceive it to be true, unless it goes contrary to one of their core values.
There is another element to this, however: frames are given strength by investment... and investment follows status and value. Since being the One-Up is inherently the higher status position in a relationship, the One-Down will unconsciously find himself investing more than the One-Up.
I know, this stuff can really make your head spin. Read it again if it’s not entirely clear. Psychology is quite a messy subject, but once you understand it, you can use that understanding to have better relationships… so that’s the silver lining!
The One Exception to the 4 Ways
Sometimes, you can also lose a girlfriend through no fault of your own. One thing to realize is that humans are really not wired for life-long monogamy. Some people make it work, sure… but that doesn’t mean that it’s our natural state of being. Just like some people work the night shift and make that work, even though we haven’t naturally evolved to be up all night (though the internet seems to be starting to change that!).
Think about it… if it was really human nature to stay with one partner forever, there would never have been a need for the institution of marriage in the first place… couples would get and stay together naturally, automatically and spontaneously. The very fact that marriage exists belies the idea of life-long monogamy.
This point is related to something we discussed earlier in this series – romantic love passes, it does not last forever. And what are you going to do once it is gone?
Some people stay together, because they enjoy the transformation in their relationship and they’re still bonded enough to each other to make the relationship work without being “in love”, the way they were in the beginning.
Others do not – some people (and I count myself among that group) have a strong desire to experience the kind of passion only fresh love can bring. And for those people, the two year drop will always come with a decision – to break up or not? That means there is a fair chance your girl will make this decision, and a fair chance she will make it not in favor of your relationship, and you lose a girlfriend.
Or worse – she may not have any intentions of breaking up, but her biochemistry catches up with her and she develops a crush on another man. I’m not trying to tell you that this will happen, but it can – and it’s good to be aware of it so you don’t take it personally. Don’t blame yourself… and don’t even blame her. It’s the nature of the beast… it’s love in an imperfect world.
Dust yourself off and move on.
Easier said than done, I know… so let’s examine that topic a little closer as well.
Love and Breakup
We have covered a lot of ground here… in this article series, we have discussed all phases of a relationship. From setting goals and deciding on the ideal type of girl you want to be in a relationship with, to finding and screening her, falling in love and setting up a great relationship, all the way up to the two-year drop and the seven-year itch.
There is one final stage that every relationship goes through – the end of the relationship.
In fairy tales and Disney movies, relationships last forever… or do they? Actually, we just don’t see what happens to Aladdin and Jasmine after they’ve been married for two years… or for twenty, for that matter. They probably end up a bickering old couple, like most people that have been together for a very long time – and nobody wants to watch that.
But even if they stayed together forever – every relationship ends at some point, even be it because “death do it part”… and let’s face it, with a divorce rate of over 50%, the breakup rate has to be nearer 90%, since most couples don’t even get married.
When it comes to businesses, every company goes through the stages:
A business may last for 120 years, but NOTHING lasts forever… and the distress stage is a real thing that happens to a lot of companies. It has been said that 80% of new businesses reach stage six in the first year… and 80% of the ones that don’t reach it within the first five years. Whether these numbers are accurate or not, they’re probably a reasonable ball park… and it’s the exact same thing with relationships.
Love also goes through the same stages:
2, 4, or 7-year drop
A breakup doesn’t always have to be on bad terms… in fact, I’m now very good friends with most of my ex-girlfriends. We stay in touch and if we ever run into each other, we go for a coffee together and have a chat like old buddies. I think that’s fantastic.
Again, I don’t look at those relationships as failed… I think they were very successful, for the duration that they lasted. Just like a company that goes bankrupt after 20 years may have been a real cash cow for the owner, the employees and the investors during those two decades.
In one word – a breakup is not only possible, it’s exceedingly likely. And while you don’t want to go into your relationship explicitly expecting to lose your girlfriend in the end, you should definitely mentally prepare for the possibility. That one mindset shift alone will help you deal with it ten times better if it happens.
How to Survive a Breakup
Before I actually broke up with a girl I really loved, I could never have imagined what kind of excruciating pain that implies. I think a root canal might well be less painful than freeing yourself from the powerful grip of a serious pairbond. A hormone grenade goes off in your loins, and your reptilian brain emotionally forces you to do whatever it takes to get back with the girl you just “lost.”
Your brain doesn’t know that there are 3 billion women for you to choose from in 2012… when it evolved, there were probably only one or two single, young women in the tribe! So it needs to make sure you don’t lose a girlfriend, to get back together with the one you had, or you might not carry your genes into the next generation at all. And how do our brains make sure we do anything? By giving us bone-crushing pain if we don’t!
Your Brain is Dumb
Well, the reptilian part of your brain is, anyway. It just doesn’t know any better. And as I discussed in the article about “The Success Factor in Game,” it is stronger than your rational mind – so you can’t simply talk yourself out of these emotions.
I am going to share a lot of time-tested and proven methods to get over your ex quickly. In fact, I once had a blog where I was teaching people exactly that… how to get over your ex. But guess what I found - there isn’t much demand for that kind of information.
NOBODY WANTS TO GET OVER THEIR EX!
Talk about your brain being dumb, right?
But it’s true… check for yourself on Google, nobody is looking for information about getting over a breakup. Can you guess what kind of information people are looking for instead when they go through a breakup? What kind of information IS in demand?
That’s right… how to get your ex BACK.
And that is one of the WORST questions you could be asking yourself right after you lose a girlfriend.
It will make you needy when you talk to her, and decrease the chances of actually getting her back.
It will make the entire process a lot more painful if you DON’T get her back… which you probably won’t, if you try.
I’ve explained before that the best way to START a relationship is with a lot of passion… no matter whether you want a one night stand or a wife.
Similarly, the best way to END a relationship is full steam ahead, and never looking back!
This is hard to do, but it will make you more attractive to her, which is why doing nothing to get her back is your best chance of getting her back. More importantly though, the faster you take the plunge back into a single dude’s lifestyle, the faster you will recover from the emotional shell-shock and the faster you will meet other women.
Which, incidentally is the best way to get over your ex… and I’ve got thirteen tips for you on how to best do exactly that.
But you’ll have to tune in tomorrow to get them! :)
Onward and upward,
UPDATE: read the next article in Ricardus's relationship series right here: Get Over Your Ex: 13 Steps to (Emotional) Freedom.