I’ve been seeing more guys than usual engaged in long distance relationships lately. And it’s not an uncommon situation to end up in in our increasingly mobile world - one or both partners leaves to attend school in a different city, or even country; she leaves or you leave to take a job somewhere else in the world.
And often these scenarios are okay - at least at first. But long
distance relationships have a tendency to get complicated in a hurry.
Nevertheless, you may find yourself in a situation where you either need to choose to say goodbye, or choose to be in a long distance relationship with that one special girl. Is long distance a good idea?
Today, I want to give you a number of long distance relationship tips, an overview of when a long distance relationship is okay - and when to stay away - and take a look at the dynamics of making this choice.
The Rise of Long Distance Relationships
Righ up until maybe 40 years ago or so, Western society expected a man to find a woman that was good enough for him to take home to his parents. Once a man found this girl, it was pretty much his duty to hold onto her at all costs. That meant if he went off to war, went on a business trip, or even began to lose interest in her – it was a male’s duty to keep his woman around. If they were separated, he would write her heartfelt letters and be praised for his fidelity. Eventually, the man would be expected to start a family with this woman.
But the times have changed, and we no longer live in such a society these days. The old social norms have gone out the window, and we have freedom - the freedom to determine to live whatever kinds of lives we want to live, with whomever we want to live them, without society looking over our shoulder and tut-tutting or poo-pooing.
We live in a society where men and women have complete autonomy over who they sleep with, date, and marry. Even more, we are exposed to so many more potential mates; all we have to do is go out and meet them. Yet, despite all this freedom, a post like this on long distance relationship tips is more needed than ever today, because long distance relationships still persist today, and perhaps are even more prevalent than ever before - and love and the demanding situations it can sometimes present to put us in can tempt even the best of us.
So team…how should you decide whether or not to partake in a relationship like this? Let’s look at both good and bad long distance relationship situations.
Long Distance Relationships to
You’ll forgive me for being frank - especially if you’re in a long distance relationship right now, or you’re strongly contemplating entering into one - but in my opinion, and based on everything I’ve seen from everyone around me who’s give this one a shot, almost all cases of long distance relationship fall into the “to be avoided” category.
As a high value man that women want (which either you are, or you will be, by learning and putting into practice the material from this site), there is simply too much that you’re sacrificing by settling for long distance.
And if your woman is a high value woman, there is simply too much she’ll be sacrificing in a lond distrance relationship too… and if she doesn’t know it yet, she’ll realize it not long into her new relationship circumstances.
That in mind, here are our first 4 long distance relationship tips
of this post - the 4 long distance
relationship scenarios to avoid.
If you’re in any of following situations, long distance is going to give you more than a handful of of trouble:
You just met a girl, or have known her for less than a few months. Let’s be honest, if you’re still in the infatuation stage with a girl, should you really be moving into such a large life commitment? I think you know the answer.
Furthermore, just think of what people are doing (or want to be doing) during the infatuation stage - that’s right, they’re trying to spend every waking moment together. Kind of hard to do from several hundred or thousand miles away.
You are going to be separated for more than 6 to 8 months. Even 6 to 8 months is pushing it (especially if it’s continuous time apart); but any more than that, and you two will inevitably find other people and other lives (no matter how much that feels right now like it would never happen), and maintaining a relationship will become too difficult and unfulfilling.
You’re not in love and don’t see yourself falling in love. As you know from this site, the feeling of love is linked with a feeling of being out of control of a situation. However, despite this fact, most guys can still tell if a girl has the qualities that could make him fall deeply for her, and if your LDR girl ain’t it… keep moving… it’s much too big of a sacrifice to make for a girl who isn’t it.
You don’t want to be in a long distance relationship. This seems obvious…but you would be surprised how many men let themselves get pressured into a long distance relationship. If you don’t want to be in one, regardless of the reason, hold your ground. No one should have more say over your life than you.
When considering a long distance relationship, you should also know what you’re getting yourself into… it’s not an easy road. But if you’re thinking about taking it, just so that you can’t say you haven’t been forewarned, here are the negatives you’ll be required to deal with through the course of your relationship:
Little Exposure to High Value Women: Most long-distance situations come from a scarcity mentality. You meet one great (or decent) girl and don’t really see any other girls on the horizon. So, you work as hard as you can to hold to that one girl, even if that means only seeing her a few times a year, even though you’re surrounded by attractive and attracted women every day…whom you won’t meet. If you settle for this situation, you are doing yourself a disservice by not improving your skills or bringing high value women into your life. You are, effectively, standing still while the world moves forward.
The Digital Trap: This is probably my biggest issue with the LDR. You spend so much time staring at a screen or devoting mental energy to a person hundreds or thousands of miles away that you lose out on living your own life. It’s sad to see sometimes – the guy who spends his Saturday nights on Skype with a girl 2000 miles away rather than going out with friends and/or attractive women there and in the flesh.
The Jealousy Trap: An interesting fact about many of the long distance relationships that I’ve observed is that they weren’t relationships at all. They were far from the traditional boyfriend-girlfriend official label. They usually involved two people who actually wanted to break up or have personal space, but just kept the relationship going out of a sense of attachment or out of an inability to move forward. But, as soon as one of the people in the relationship developed an abundance mentality - realizing all the options they had around them in terms of real, actual potential mates they could touch (and not just talk to over the telephone or computer) - they usually acted on it (can you blame them?), which led to deeply hurt feelings and messy situations. Jealousy and ambiguity is ever-present, and is the pitfall of almost all LDR’s.
When to Have a Long Distance
Despite the laundry list of problems with long distance relationships, there are in fact rare occasions when they can actually be a good idea (or at least, a not completely awful one). Here are the few cases in which you’re usually going to be in the clear - our 3 other long term relationship tips, on the 3 long term relationships worth being in:
You’re in a solid long term relationship with a girl you deeply care about. If you’re already in a relationship with a high value girl and have been for a while, chances are the separation will be bearable and may even strengthen your bond.
You’ll be separated for no more than 1 or 2 months. Although this situation is still not ideal, if you care about the girl enough, 1 or 2 months apart is usually an okay amount of time to spend apart and not have the relationship erode too much.
You’ll see each other frequently. This is still with the caveat that you deeply care about a girl, but if you’ll see each other frequently (at least a couple of times a month), this situation can also be enjoyable, at least for a while.
As you’ll notice among these three, the theme is that A) you very much care about the girl, and B) the separation won’t be too long and you’ll be seeing each other frequently, in the flesh, in the meantime.
If you don’t love each other deeply, it doesn’t last long, and if
you can’t see each other in person, it doesn’t last long. There are exceptions out there - but
make the common human mistake of expecting that your relationship, of course, will
be one of those few exceptions. Everyone thinks they’re the exception,
but few actually are. Plan that your relationship will follow the same
course these sorts of relationships usually follow.
A Few More Long Distance
So, when you’re presented with a potential long distance relationship scenario, what should you do?
As with most things in life, there isn’t simply “being in a long distance relationship” or “not being in one” – there is a middle path. The Japanese have an idea called “Ichi-go Ichi-e,” literally “one time, one meeting.” The idea behind this phrase is that you will never be in the same place with the same person at the same moment in time, and because of that fact, you should live the moment to the fullest.
But, once that moment is over, you should give up your attachment to the moment. This principle can be perfectly applied in finding the long distance relationship middle ground.
Sometimes you do meet an amazing woman who you want to stay connected with. And if you’ve been reading this site, chances are you’ve already gotten physical with her. But if you keep an abundance mentality and understand that you don’t need her and aren’t attached the moment you shared with her, this can lead you through a beautiful situation.
You can stay connected with her (but make sure she knows you’re staying single, don’t hurt girls) – say, exchange a couple flirtatious texts/emails every once in a while – just to keep her attracted and chasing you. And if you do happen to meet up with her again, or have her visit you (remember sprezzatura), you can seamlessly rekindle the old fire ;o).
The key is you must keep meeting other women. The only way to keep yourself fulfilled, detached, and jealousy-free is to make sure that you’re always bringing high value women into your life. That way, you’re always getting the best of both worlds.
And what could be better than that?
Now you’ve got all the tools to make the right decision.