Does She Want You as a Boyfriend... or Something Else? | Girls Chase

Does She Want You as a Boyfriend... or Something Else?

Chase Amante

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In the piece on how to treat a woman, a reader shared a tale of having a wonderful date with a girl, ending it by holding hands with her as they walked together, her talking excitedly... only for things to fall apart and her get suddenly uncomfortable when they arrived at his place. He then commented this:

I am in my 40s, well-paid mid-level manager in a prestigious organization. Most of the women I meet are around 25. Even if I don't tell them what I am doing for a living, they just can tell where I stand. The problem I face quite often is "this guy is not in my league, therefore he must be just playing". Can't tease too much, must be careful to show not too high value, and sometimes the move fast approach back fires, as described above.

does she want a boyfriend

Thus enters the status dynamic: the man who is sufficiently high status compared to the girl that she does not want to just sleep with him quickly and one-and-done him, but who is not so high status that he can ask for whatever he wants with her and get it.

He is, in other words, ideal husband material - or, to put it differently, a whole lot more valuable to her as a long-term prospect than a simple fling.

Something I've called, for a long time, the boyfriend dilemma.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Damian 's picture

Hey chase ! I wanted to ask you I met this girl at a bar and had sex with her the first night. I have been seeing her ever since having sex and going on dates. I really like her and she likes me as well my question is i don't know where I stand with her and want to know the status of our relationship should I ask her to know if we are just hooking up or boyfriend girlfriend or an exclusive relationships should I bring it. Up or not ?! We've been seeing each other for 2 months ???

Jimbo's picture

Chase you said she'll almost always peg as boyfriend if you were lower-status than she was. Why? I would've thought it'd be the opposite: girls like to have relationships with high-status guys but wouldn't mind having flings with losers, janitors and the like.

Jimbo's picture

"But there are some situations where women are nearly always going to immediately peg you as a boyfriend candidate:

- When they believe they're higher social status than you are"

But why though? Doesn't really make sense. Wouldn't she rather pair up with a guy who's higher-status than she is?

Eman's picture

Hi. It really is wierd that so much years have passed since humanity was born and we still do not understand each other. Of course noone is ideal but to claim we only want bedroom stuff is extra nonsense. Woman use mind games to test man. And man has also reasons why he does this or that. If one thing science and religion teaches us - everything happens for a reason that can be explained.

CLARIFICATION's picture

I find it absolutely frustrating when men talk about women and sex.

First of all, yes, a lot of women get offered sex. But all sex is not GOOD or even GREAT sex.

Furthermore, most women don't even like the size (man's private part) of the guy she is sleeping with.

So please note, that just because a lot of men offer women sex, a woman might only enjoy sex maybe with 1 guy she meets out of a dozen... this is why research even shows that many women can't even orgasm.

So I hate to be so harsh, but when you consider all the bad sex out there and all the men who may not have the "size" you want, then yes a lot of women would definitely take a guy who is good in bed over husband material if the husband material is not good in bed, for example.

Jimbo's picture

That's fair enough. Wanting to be sexually satisfied is a legitimate expectation from any sexual partner.

With that said, I'm curious as to where you draw the line of satisfactory size (length x girth). I reckon it's above average, but I'd still like to hear your numbers to see if I make the cut.

CLARIFICATION's picture

Let me explain my first comment and then answer your question best I can. I have what seems like the opposite problem than posted on this forum. I meet plenty of men that want to start relationships with me. I don't find any men that want one night stands/passionate nights with me.

I have noticed that when I first meet a guy I am often hypersexualized, UNTIL, he finds out who I am and what family I come from. I come from a pretty well connected family and for some reason the guy who may have even said sexual things to me to begin with (just meeting me), now becomes formal and begins to traditionally court me. It's literally insane. I don't know if they are scared to just have a one night stand with me or to do friends with benefits... I don't know. I've only slept with men I've been in a relationship with, because it just has worked out that way. And because I have not slept with them before beginning a relationship, I do not know what they are like in bed until way into knowing them... which can be a horrible thing if you don't like things in bed with them...

I have tried not giving guys I meet my last name when we first meet, or giving vague answers to family/work related questions, but then I can come across as dishonest and they probe more, but in my mind, if all a guy wants is sex, why does he care?! That's the crazy part.

In addition, the men I've dated have looked amazing on paper/in person, and I think that when I meet a new guy and he finds out who I've been in a relationship with in the past, I think he becomes competitive with my past in a weird way and again I guess isn't going to settle for just sex and wants to become a part of my life like the last guy.

I say all this to say, that I definitely think men put women into different compartments and I need advice on how to keep things light and funny/friends with benefits style at the beginning... I'd actually like to have a one night stand/passionate sex with someone I don't know that well. I can't marry every guy I meet anyway and I definitely don't want a relationship with someone I'm not sexually compatible with...

As for size, I won't get into that. If anything I've noticed men with smaller than average (and even average size) have ego problems and insecurity issues etc., so that usually hinders it before anything else.

Bigger men (down there) have always just come across nicer , more self assured, and just generally more confident and secure which is just overall attractive...

Jimbo's picture

I don't really know what to say about guys wanting to take it slower with you, because most guys I know don't have a problem first sleeping with a girl, and then potentially getting into a relationship. Perhaps you give too much a good girl relationship-y vibe.

Could be due to your family as you say. Hypothetically, if I were to hit it off with Ivanka Trump, I couldn't see myself having someone like that as a fuckbuddy. The sultan's daughter type of thing. Or maybe I would, I don't know. You only realize those things when in the moment.

Try hooking up with dudes outside your circles, from Tinder or something, who don't know about your background, and won't get all formal about it. Another way you could that would be to simply slip in the first conversation that you're not looking for a relationship, that way he knows what to expect and in what direction he should carry things forward.

I do get that you want to test the ride first before you commit to it, or sample the available models before settling with one. As I said, it's a legitimate expectation in my view, but that's also one of my requirements.

If your relationship guy --whom you otherwise may like-- happens to be small, do know that there ways, like exercises and the like, for him to gain up to 2 inches, and also in girth. But it takes some dedication on his part, and at least a year to get there.

Clarification's picture

My main points must not be coming across clear.
Here is my situation:
I meet a guy and he is obviously sexually attracted to me and hits on me and says he wants to have a “casual” thing., I am like okay, sounds great. However, the more we talk (say for example I met on him a train and we have 30 minutes to talk) the more questions he asks. I do not ask very specific questions and I definitely don’t ask questions like where do you work or heck even what do you do because I don’t want those same questions asked back to me.
So when I am asked questions like where do you work/ they literally begin to look shocked, and then they can definitely see that I’m not your average girl because they start wondering how I got the job or whatever else. THIS IS WHEN THEY CHANGE THEIR DEMEANOR. Before they were seeming like they didn’t want anything serious and then after they actually want to go on a date that seems like a freaking interview! And I ironically hate talking about business.
So if they change their demeanor after the questions, does this still mean I give off too good of a good girl vibe?
So what do I do? Do I lie about where I work and went to school so that they can’t automatically see that on some level I’m well-connected?
The ironic thing is that you would think guys wouldn’t care about all these specifics because many times I don’t. I feel like I am actually looking for fun. If a guy is looking for casual, why is he asking where you went to school and where do you work specifically? He must be trying to put you in some category like the above or else why care so much. I’ve even had guys first say they want something casual only to then come back and ask me what both of my parents do – first time meeting! All this and you want something casual?
At the same time, I am not a liar, and I tell the truth but I generally try to dumb down my past NOT because I feel it intimidates them but because I’d rather have a passionate make out session than end up getting asked for a direct contact (I’ve literally had men ask me to forward their resumes to a family member etc).
So this is my delimma, lie and get way more casual encounters so I’m not always forced into dating/waiting for sex until a relationship (which the guy forces) and then discover we are incompatible.
Like I’m dating a guy now, and I can tell he’s holding out on sex until a relationship and I honestly think that if I couldn’t help him professionally we would have had sex on the first day we met. I wanted to lie to him about my last name the first day we met.
Anyways, it’s frustrating to read articles like the above, because men clearly use women to advance their careers (and in many ways it’s easier to do) and there is a long history of men scouting the daughters of prominent older men to get an in at a company or whatever.., I feel like I can only avoid this by lying and I feel lying is unethical… so I am wondering if there are other tips ?

ALSO - if a guy figures out I lied to him, do you think he thinks I think he will be intimidated by a successful woman or that I'm doing what many people do, which is dumb my shit down so I don't meet people out to use me?

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