How to Treat a Woman: Like a Queen, or Like a Whore?


how to treat a womanOne common stumbling block for men who are rusty or inexperienced is deciding how to treat a woman. Should you treat her unfailingly well... or should you treat her in some other way?

In fact - particularly if you're new, or around women you consider "out of your league" - you may find yourself walking on eggshells around women you like, afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and causing such a girl to lose her temper with you and storm off in disgust.

So how do you treat her?

You may have heard this pithy remark before:

You treat a queen like a whore and a whore like a queen.

And today we're going to examine how that applies to the women you meet in day-to-day life.

I see some fellas out there nodding in agreement with this statement; "Aye, that's the way to do it!" they're saying to themselves.

I also see some guys out there shrinking back in terror; "You can't possibly expect me to treat a queen like a whore and a whore like a queen, can you?" they ask, all the color running out of their faces. "They'll hate me! I want them to love me!"

As it were, there's a lot of knowledge packed into this brief phrase - but to a point.

In this article, we're going to break this mentality down, dig into the queen/whore dichotomy, and see exactly why treating one like the other can provide you a boost most men won't ever experience.


how to treat a woman

There's another saying like the one about whores and queens, and it goes like this:

Tell a beautiful girl she's smart, and a smart girl she's beautiful.

Just like the whores and queens quote, it's interesting, catchy, and memorable because it seems to be opposite of what you'd expect or think you SHOULD be doing.

Of course you'd treat a queen like a queen, a whore like a whore, a beautiful girl like a beautiful girl, and a smart girl like a smart girl, right? Call a pear a pear.

Except, there's a very good reason for NOT doing things that way, and it has to do with that being the same way that EVERYBODY does them.


Being Attractive is About Not Blending In

Most of my life I sought to stand out and be different, as much as I could, in a cool, appealing way. And I had women take note of me, flirt with me, and try to catch my eye.

I went through a phase once where I said, "Let me try out this whole 'blending in' thing that it seems like everyone else is so interested in. What happens if I try to be like everybody else?" As soon as I succeeded at blending in, girls showed interest in me far, far less.

Women like men who stand out.

Whether that's due to preselection, social proof, conspicuous consumption, remarkably good looks or an impressive male body or great fashion / peacocking, noticeably powerful body language and walk, or anything else, women like men who stand out head and shoulders above the rest in a good way.

Why do women like men who stand out?

Each of the traits listed above communicates something strong, good, and exciting about a man to a woman. They're all worthwhile traits to have, and attractive qualities in a potential mate.

However, there's something else that standing out does, too: it breaks women out of autopilot.

And when you treat a woman differently than what she's accustomed to, this breaks her out of autopilot too.

The more ways you have of shattering a woman's autopilot, the more easily and consistently you can pull this off... and the further out of autopilot she is, the more intrigued she is by you, the more she can't easily figure you out or write you off, and the more time, effort, and energy she needs to expend to wrap her mind around you and find a box to put you in.

When you treat her differently than she's used to being treated, you startle her out of apathy and force her to assess you as an individual - as the man you are, rather than the stereotype she'd otherwise slot you as being.


Greener Grass

how to treat a womanThe grass is always greener on the other side, right?

Imagine you're a queen: a beautiful, amazing girl who's had life handed to her on a silver platter. Imagine how most of the men around you treat you: like the most wonderful, special, perfect creature on Earth.

In fact, it seems like the men compete to see who can treat you more special: each man seems to assume that because every other man is treating you so well, HE must treat you even BETTER than those men.

You get guys:

  • Licking your boots
  • Kissing your behind
  • Showering you with gifts
  • Praising the very ground you walk on
  • Thinking you're far, far better than they are

It's nice, you suppose... in fact, it's expected. This is how men should treat you... after all, you're a queen!

Next, imagine you're a whore: still beautiful, but somewhat run ragged by life, bought and used and paid for by men, finding yourself with man after man you aren't really all that attractive for, but they'll suffice, wondering when you're going to meet that great guy who treats you like a great girl but figuring you probably never will.

The men you meet treat you like garbage, much of the time: they're dismissive, rude, or completely inconsiderate of your feelings. To them, you're just a service provider. Some of the men treat you okay, but usually more in a "just business" type way than anything else. A few men treat you well, but these guys are rarely the kinds of men you'd be all that interested in having something more with.

Men:

  • Talk down to you
  • Have zero consideration for you
  • Never go out of their way to do nice things for you
  • Judge you and moralize against you
  • Think they're far, far better than you are

That just goes with the territory, you know. That's what it's like to be a whore... the price of this lifestyle is the treatment you receive at the hands of men.

Now imagine you switched these two.

Suddenly, you're treating the queen as if you think you're better than she does. You're teasing her, laughing at her... having a chuckle at her expense. You order her around, expecting her to do as you ask. You tell her what to do.

And just as suddenly, you're treating the whore as if you think she's a goddess. You're complimenting her, warmly interested in her and her story and what she has to say, and building a profound emotional connection with her. You tell her to sit and wait while you take care of things, and go out of your way to make her comfortable and feel good.

Aren't both women's minds completely blown?

I can already hear your objections - "But the queen's going to be insulted and want nothing to do with you!" "Isn't the whore just going to take advantage of you and use you for money or gifts?"

Here's where we need to stop and examine the subtleties.


how to treat a woman

So you have this queen, used to being doted on hand and foot, who both expects top treatment from men and takes it for granted, secretly wishing she could meet a bad boy who'd treat her like she sees the bad boys treat men in the movies. Why does everyone have to handle her with kid gloves?

And you have this whore, used to being treated like mud by the men in her life, wishing she could meet a man who'd treat her like a princess - she knows it's just a movie, but she wishes with all her heart that Pretty Woman - where a charming, wealthy man ends up falling in love with a whore and sweeping her up off the streets into a life of love and luxury - was real life, instead of fiction.

How do you treat a woman the opposite from what she's accustomed to without sending her flying into auto-rejection or tempting her to try and take advantage of you?


How to Treat a Woman: With Subtlety

how to treat a womanFirst off, a saying is just a saying.

It's helpful to remember as a guideline, but shouldn't be taken 100% literally.

So yes, compliment a girl on her smarts if she's beautiful... but only where relevant and where you can compliment her sincerely. And compliment a girl on her looks if she's smart... but again, only where relevant and sincere.

Likewise, treat a queen like a whore and a whore like a queen, but do it within reason.

Here're the guidelines for this:

  1. If in doubt, mirror. Think of yourself as a mirror, reflecting back at her... herself. A "queen" tends to be aloof and ball-busting - so be aloof, and bust her balls. Keep her on the ropes. A "whore" tends to know how to make a man feel good - so make her feel good.

  2. Don't be one dimensional. As we talked about in "How to Be Vulnerable, Enchanting, and Alluring to Women," women are entranced by multi-layered men. So yes, start off being aloof and complicated and hard to get with her if she's a queen, but once she starts digging and trying to get to know you, show some more depth. And yes, start off being a warm person and thoughtful and considerate if she's a whore, but have limits and don't go beyond them if she's the type who's prone to exploiting men who are too nice.

  3. Know your limits. This mainly means how far you'll take things busting her stones / giving her a hard time (if she's a queen) and how over-the-top amazing you'll treat her (if she's a whore). Give her too hard a time, and she'll go cold on you and shut down; be too nice to her, and she'll view you as a pushover nice guy and lose all respect for you. A good way to watch yourself here is to sprinkle this treatment in with your normal interaction - sprinkle in giving her a hard time with interacting with her normally if she's a queen, and sprinkle in being extra warm to her with interacting with her normally if she's a whore.

Examples of what each of these look like:


Treating a Queen Like a Whore

Here, you'll be keeping the pressure on, giving her a hard time, ignoring her tests, and getting investment from her:

You: That's a nice coat, but I'd think wearing something that warm in the summer time would make you sweat, doesn't it?

Her: I feel okay in it. So you like my coat?

You: Not really my style; I was just trying to be nice. Hand me that napkin over there?

Her: This one?

You: Yes; thank you.

Her: Where are you from?

You: Where do you think I'm from?

Her: I don't know; that's why I asked.

You: I know you don't know; that's why I asked you to guess.

Her: I don't guess.

You: Pity. Well, where are YOU from?

Notice how this one moves like a dance, with her continually trying to "catch" you and trick you into complimenting her or giving her information without her doing what you want her to do to get it. Women who are "queens" are used to men supplicating and doing what they want. And they're very good at keeping men doing this, too.

They lose attraction for you the moment you slip up and get caught in one of their little traps; the key to maintaining and ramping up attraction here is in dancing this dance, and in treating them not like a princess or a goddess or a queen like most men who meet them do, but like a "whore" (within reason), as above.


Treating a Whore Like a Queen

Opposite the queen is the whore; and with her being accustomed to men (especially attractive men like you) being rude or dismissive or cold, we're going to go the opposite direction we went with the queen, and instead keep the focus on genuine compliments:

You: That's a beautiful coat.

Her: Do you like it?

You: It's gorgeous... goes perfect with your eyes and hair. Your style is very well put together.

Her: Thank you!

You: Where'd you learn your fashion sense from?

Her: I just picked it up from reading magazines!

You: Oh yeah? Which ones?

Her: Elle and Harper's Bazaar are my favorites.

You: Good choices. That explains why you're so fashion savvy then.

Her: Do you like fashion?

You: Only the fashion that you have on.

Her: Thank you!

Note the continued complimenting, and the use of one compliment leading into another. Even the questions are compliments - you're interested in learning more about her good taste. These compliments are not over the top, and are only on things you think are nice and genuinely like - that's important, because if you seem insincere she'll assume you're having a laugh at her expense and will auto-reject to protect her ego.

With each woman, you're making her feel good, except through different ways.

The queen you make feel good because finally, here is a REAL man who isn't captivated by her and trying too hard to please her and is instead putting her through a gauntlet... which feels delightful and fun.

The whore you make feel good because finally, here is a man who isn't treating her like a subhuman being but a real woman, worthy of attention and compliments and genuine affection... which feels delightful and heartening.


Not Black and White: A Spectrum

Of course, you'll rarely interact with real royalty/debutantes/spoiled pretty rich girls, and you'll rarely interact with actual prostitutes and working girls. Most of the time you're just going to be meeting ordinary, run-of-the-mill women of varying degrees of beauty and fashion sense and hotness and self-esteem from a number of different walks of life.

Some of them will be used to males falling all over themselves around them, and be closer to the "queen" part of the spectrum. Some of them will be used to men using them and treating them poorly, and be closer to the "whore" part of the spectrum. Some of them will be somewhere in between.

What's important is that you know that how you treat a woman must directly correspond to how she's accustomed to being treated... and you don't want to treat her like she's accustomed to being treated.

Because then you won't stand out.

She'll stay in autopilot.

Attraction won't grow.

Treat her in a way that contrasts with how she's accustomed to being treated. Don't be so blatantly obvious that she knows what you're doing (otherwise it looks forced or try-hard). And don't JUST treat her different - still continue to interact with her, deep dive with her, chase frame her.

You don't need a completely different approach with the different kinds of woman...

... just shades of the same approach you normally use.

Do that, and you'll quickly find that women rapidly become entranced by and addicted to the way you treat them.

Until next time,
Chase

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase..!


Hey man, great article again...! I just came back from a vacation and I havent been at your site for a while...! I was laughing so much while I was reading this article mostly cause all the time(while reading) I was thinking thats a great point how come I never thought about that..! It happend to me so many times on a dates that I was treating queen like a queen and I would always go home frustrated,scratching my head,wondering,I guess I never had balls to talk to a beautiful girl like that,hahaha so stupid...! Never mind,Chase, I need an advice from you if you can find some free time to respond..! Your advice for texting girls is awesome it helped me a lot I got so so much better responses from women...! But now when I came back from Europe I got addicted to girls from my country they are so freaken hot...! So I signed up to an online dating site in my country..! But stuff that works when I actually meet women in person(like texting)doesent work online..!What would you text them just to break the ice my goal is to get response from them somehow..!And thereare also two small sections in one you write a little bit about yourself and 2nd what are you looking for...! Do you have any advice how to stand out...!btw most of them are queens...!Thanks Chase, keep up with good work..!

Michal's picture

Hi, Chase has some articles


Hi, Chase has some articles about online dating. Some of them do not cover the topic primerily. So, check out these if you haven't already:

3 Essential Tips for Online Dating Message and Email Writing
http://www.girlschase.com/content/online-dating-message-email-writing#ix...

Why not meet girls on Facebook
http://www.girlschase.com/content/why-not-meet-girls-facebook#ixzz2MmABkC73

and a little bit in 12 Simple Tips That'll Help You Sleep with Girls
http://www.girlschase.com/content/12-simple-tips-thatll-help-you-sleep-g...

Chase Amante's picture

Online Dating

Author

Anon-

In addition to the articles Michal, I'd also recommend checking this post on the discussion boards out:

Chase's Guide to Online Dating

It's been a while since I've done much online dating - the quality just isn't really there, in my opinion - but that's what I used to use fairly extensively a few years back.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Attainabilty and Auto Rejection Nuances


This article above really helped me to understand why I've lost some very beautiful girls on dates,Ive treated queens like queens to many times,by calling them beautiful and other compliments trying to be a genuine man,but I now realize that I was turning them off or sending them into auto rejection.I have a few questions about attainabilty/auto rejection,I seem to run into these often.

-When you talk about showing to much value in the attainabilty article,does that include being naturally good looking?If so how would you balance this?
.
-What is the most important fundamental or action you can take when you initially first meet a girl,that prevents her from going into auto rejection and boosts your attainabilty?Especially when you are of high value.

-How focused on the girl should you be,is it possible to send girl into auto rejection by simply being social and friendly with others girls around her?I understand your not supposed to break circle ,and to move faster,but there are places such as movie sets where your stuck with the same people for 10 hours or so.

-Is it common for girls you've sent into auto rejection,to flirt with other guys to try to make you jealous?

Thanks Chase,
Looking forward to your response.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Attainabilty and Auto Rejection Nuances

Author

Anon-

Sounds like you're fairly familiar with having your attainability drop too low and girls go into auto-rejection, yes. On what's meant by value - absolutely, looks and being highly social are included. "Value" is simply anything that makes you subjectively more valuable to her as a potential mate (or anything else). Too much value relative to her (or what she thinks she can get, subjectively) and she'll head into auto-rejection. Too little value relative to her or what she thinks she can get, and she'll be uninterested (you'll be no challenge).

I can't say that there's a single most important thing to do to prevent attainability blow ups - that's kind of like saying what's the single most important thing to do to stop a rocket from blowing up. Just don't put stuff in the fuel mix that's not supposed to go in the fuel mix. With attainability, keep your value / attainability mix right, and you won't have attainability blow ups. The higher your value, the higher you must raise your attainability to let her still feel like she stands a chance with you.

And yes - once a girl goes into auto-rejection, it's VERY common for her to go on a path of vengeance, trying to make you jealous by flirting with / making out with / going home with other men. Not every girl does it, but a large number of them do - it's a pretty dead give away when you see it (her uncharacteristic and blatant flirting and hooking up right in front of you, rather than her being tactful to preserve you as a possible candidate, as women usually do) that you've let your attainability with a girl fall too low.

Chase

Saperlipopette's picture

Lower Value girls (the whore)


Hello Chase,

I really love your site! All what you say just makes sense, and I can really relate all my past experiences with women to the general picture you are giving of seduction.

I am learning a lot from your posts and trying to apply them, starting with the fundamentals, but also with the "move faster" philosophy.

Your description of "the whore" above reminded me of a date I had recently. This very pretty eastern european girl was a waitress in my health club when I met her, and since then had moved to work in a hotel. We'd lost touch for 6 months but resumed contact very recently. We did set an appointment in a nice piano-bar near my place, at about 11 pm. The date went great; lots of eye contact and touch, some deep diving; the connection went well. She gave me her hand. By 1:30 am I proposed to bring her back home (she had come by taxi). Of course my car was in the parking of my home, and my key inside my place :-) so we had to walk back to my place. We held hands all the way back (a ten minutes walk) and she was doing all the talking like girls do when they get excited.

It was my intention to bring her in... but when we were about to enter I could see how uncomfortable she suddenly became. And then it occurred to me that all year long, very rude customers treat her exactly as in your description above: rude, dismissive, inconsiderate, technically not a whore but treated similarly. I currently live in the Middle East and things can get that bad for servants, waitresses, etc... So, although the date had gone well, maybe I had not provided her enough value. Maybe she felt I was just "treating her like a whore'. I then changed my mind, asked her to wait outside while I get the key. I drove her back, and before leaving her I gave her a long kiss. We haven't met since then because a few days later I was off for vacations.

In fact, this not an isolated case. I am in my 40s, well-paid mid-level manager in a prestigious organization. Most of the women I meet are around 25. Even if I don't tell them what I am doing for a living, they just can tell where I stand. The problem I face quite often is "this guy is not in my league, therefore he must be just playing". Can't tease too much, must be careful to show not too high value, and sometimes the move fast approach back fires, as described above.

It would be interesting to read your thoughts on how to adapt your overall seduction framework for the case of socially lower value girls!

Anyway, keep up with this excellent website!

Chase Amante's picture

Adapting Your Approach to Lower Social Status Women

Author

Saper-

That'd be a great topic, agreed - I'll try and get an article up on it soon. A lot of nuance there.

One note in the meantime on the girl you had at home with you - it's pretty common for women to get a little nervous here. Had you brought her in, had her take her shoes off, settle in in front of the television with a glass of water or wine, and let things unwind a bit, you may well have found her in a very different frame of mind only a few minutes later.

Anyway, I'll see about getting a post up on how to approach women of obviously lower status than you.

Chase

Andrew's picture

High school dating


Hey chase great article. It's cool to see your view on different topics like this.
One topic that I think A LOT of your readers would like would be a article on High School dating. Because reading through almost every article on this site I can clearly see how it relates to real world dating, but I'm high school I'm not sure if it's applicable.. An article would be awesome!

Anonymous's picture

Andrew, you have a point


It may or may not be worth Chase's time to write a full article on High School dating, I guess it depends on how many youngins visit the site

An article like that would probably only apply to a very small percentage of the population, perhaps a lengthy comment on the subject would suffice? >_>

Chase Amante's picture

Re: High school dating

Author

Andrew-

Duly noted. It's not a topic I can write on competently myself - I had zero experience dating in high school - but I'll keep an eye out for guys knowledgeable on the subject who wouldn't mind doing a write-up on it.

Meantime, I responded to a comment asking about high school dating a couple days ago with a few article recommendations on this here, and there've been several different threads about high school dating on the discussion boards, too.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi chase.one thing I have


Hi chase.one thing I have noticed about the guys who know what they are talking about in the seduction community is the talking down on modern western schooling.saying it brings rise to supplication and whatnot,is their a better way? Care to elaborate on that?

Chase Amante's picture

Schooling and Supplication

Author

Anon-

It isn't something I've given much thought to, but I could see some possible justification for a viewpoint like that. Traditionally, young men learned trades either from their fathers or via an apprenticeship - in this case, you're being subservient to one man, who's teaching you, but otherwise you're doing a lot of things on your own and learning to be independent. In the modern school system, you spend a lot of time sitting around, being told what to do, and having a number of constraints placed on your behavior you wouldn't normally have had - a lot of normal male behavior gets categorized as ADD or ADHD and treated and medicalized in the West now.

The school system also has some aspects to it that make it inherently better suited to female students - e.g., if you study success patterns, women tend to cluster around the middle, while males go to the extremes of highs and lows, with some scattered about the middle as well. The school system is geared around doing reasonably well in class as the "average," or middle, with a cap not much above where most students score that disallows higher scoring. This means that outlier males on the low side - the underachievers - can still fail and do poorly at school, but the outlier males on the high side - the overachievers - are capped and can't really score much higher than the middle-of-the-pack male students and the majority of the female students. Women also have larger portions of their brains devoted to the verbal, while males have larger portions devoted to the physical - seeing, touching, doing. I've always been pretty good with verbal, so this wasn't a problem for me, but I've seen a lot of males struggle with Western school structures.

One other potential problem I can see is having male students taught by predominantly female instructors. In traditional societies, female students tend to be taught by women, who teach them womanly ways, while male students tend to be taught by men, who teach them manly ways. It seems like in the West, the teachers are focused on imparting womanly ideals of cooperation, playing nice, being fair, being considerate, and the like to ALL students, and nobody's imparting masculine ideals of competition, winning at all costs, eliminating weakness, being just but firm, and the like. So, you get a lot of men growing up being taught how to be really nice, but not so many of them growing up being taught how to build, compete, dominate, and win.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase , I got your book a


Hey chase , I got your book a while back but I just read it , I just started applying what's in there , my fundamentals were just about right but after some tweaks girls started noticing me much more , also the touch and deep diving have been really useful but there's this thing I'm having trouble with, some girls look at me and when I make eye contact they have like this mean expression , at first I just avoided talking to them because I believed it will be a lost cause , but then one of the girls that did that suddenly approached me to talk and was really interested I also talked to another one and things went well , so I assume that mean look doesn't mean they don't like me , I've trying to just smile at them when that happened but I really can't pop a smile when someone is looking at me that way and also have a harder time approaching them , so I wanted to ask you why do they give me that look and what do you recommend to do
Thanks and congrats on the site it's really great

Chase Amante's picture

The "Mean" Look

Author

Anon-

That's great to hear on the benefit from those tweaks to your fundamentals! Yeah, the "mean" look I know... I've always found it funny.

It happens when girls are thinking hard, and aren't paying much attention to their outward appearance. It seems to be when they're closer to an action-taking mode; instead of sitting around posing and trying to look good, they start spinning their mental wheels deciding how to do something. Sometimes this means they're thinking about saying something to you or approaching you (or something it's something else entirely).

My preference is just to lightly tease them about this - I'll point at their expression, pause a moment for impact, then say something like, "You look like you're planning to seize control of the bakery here," and they'll usually either start laughing, or they'll seem surprised and say, "Oh - oh, no, I was just thinking about [X]," and tell you whatever it was they were lost in thought over.

The other one you can do is just get close to them, make eye contact with them, and then frown back at them the same way that they're frowning. Because they're never aware they're doing this, they'll then BECOME aware that they're doing it, and that you're gently teasing them, and they'll usually either laugh or start explaining themselves as in the previous example.

Once they explain themselves, it's best to just nod slowly and knowingly, and wait for them to start talking to you or ask you a question. I find this generates best results with girls in this kind of mode.

Chase

Wantrepreneur's picture

Request for an article.


Thanks again for a wonderful post. I almost got killed while explaining this post to one of my female friend. Haha.

Chase, if you read this comment would be kind enough to do a post on anger management. I have read your post on "How to overcome depression" and "When to fight" but there is this one thing which is not going away and I guess many people also suffer it. Going by your old story I also think you might have face and felt the experience which I would like to explain in the next few lines.

Eg. I talked to myself alot. Used to be very pessimistic and justify every point with a proper logic/reason which made people think I am somewhat a negative person which will cut down every thing they say(backed up with a good reason).

After reading girlchase team's blog I have corrected myself, have read many good books, watch self-help videos and I feel happier nowdays. But as usual there is thing which is not going away.

Whenever I see wars, fighting or hear/read unfortunate incidents like rape, child abuse or past personal fights where I was powerless.... I start talking to myself, gets angrier alone, gets a feeling of harming/destroying the bad people and starts behaving weird....that too only inside my mind... after few minutes when I come back to reality....I feel stupid by myself. I have tried to control this behavior alot. Have searched in Psychology Today and many other blogs but couldn't find the "aaha-light bulb-goes" moment.

I know you ain't a doctor but if you can, I would love to read an article justifying why human do this behavior and how it be control.

Thanks alot for everything. God bless :)

Chase Amante's picture

Working Yourself Up Over Issues

Author

Wantrepreneur-

Sure, I can do something on anger management - I have it down on the list.

On getting worked up over issues, that's a form of daydreaming, and daydreaming has been shown to increase negative emotions (like depression or anger or helplessness). "Fighting the bad people" is a "hero" urge - you want to go save the helpless, the downtrodden, etc. I've only heard the term a few times, but "protective quotient" seems to describe it... someone with a high PQ would be someone who feels a strong need to protect and defend others. I'm not sure if this is actually measurable, I'd need to dig into the research a bit.

There's also a little-studied form of narcissism called "fanatic narcissism," in which the individual sees himself as a protector or savior... 8% of men in the United States have some form of narcissism - it's actually extremely common. There's not much available on that, but narcissism in general you can be more aware of (if you have it - in the "How to Master Anything" article, I linked to a quick test for this), and reign in your tendencies towards this if you so desire.

The best thing you can do to stop wasting time daydreaming about beating up the bad guys is probably to quit watching the news. That's where most of those stories are coming from, I'd guess - and all the news is is a constant outpouring of all the most terrible and tragic stories around the world - it doesn't actually teach you anything new; it's not like reading a book... it just makes you feel bad about yourself and the world, and skews your perception of danger so that you start feeling like the world is a much more dangerous, horrible place than it really is. News is created to be addicting, and the most addiction-forming kind of information is negative, scary, controversial information that makes you feel sick but unable to look away.

Chase

Wantrepreneur's picture

Thank you


Thanks Chase, indeed my light-bulb went on after reading your solutions. The keywords you mentioned were the most important for me in your reply. Will try to search and read more on day dreaming, protective quotient and fanatic narcissism.

Yes, have also stopped reading newspaper and watching news ever since I saw a seminar-video from Darren Hardy on how the media and human minds work. You are absolutely right.

Thanks once again. Will share and spread your valuable knowledge with others as well.

Jano342000's picture

Commiserate


Hey Chase, this post is bunch of thoughts together because I'm having a hard time explaining myself but I hope you can understand.

Back to my response what is it to commiserate?

I was thinking about that word in this article cuz it seems like people might commiserate with women who are "queens." I'm thinking commiserating isn't the best way to do it.

Dictionary.com defines it as "Express or feel sympathy or pity; sympathize." While I think this is good on those "dark" conversations like "oh I just got fired" or "my dad died when I was young." I don't think it would be good to just agree with a woman to get her to like you which I've noticed I can do at times.

Is there anyway to commiserate or maybe not even commiserate but disagree with the person but still speak to them in a way where I am not minimizing them?

Also another question or my thoughts to you are when is it good to commiserate? And honestly what should we do when its not good to commiserate like I'm sure it's not the best thing to just commiserate JUST because she's a woman right?

Is there something else I can do instead of commiserating that won't leave her feeling like "wow what a jerk he just completely dismissed one of my passions." I ask because I have a hard time commiserating with people about things I don't quite agree with so is there something I can do to change that about myself?

I hope I'm making sense here because honestly I don't even know how to put these thoughts into words lol

Chase Amante's picture

Commiserating

Author

J-

I feel you, it's a touchy topic.

The rule I follow is commiserate with your words but not with your voice tone. e.g., say, "Wow, that really sucks. Sounds like your boss is a real douche," but have an almost-neutral tone. Instead of making it an emotional feel-bad-fest, making it more of a logical assessment ("Clearly, this is no good").

What I do after that is explain the other person's actions, like, "If I had to guess, the reason why he did that was because X, then Y, then Z. So, I can kind of see it. But yeah, still, there's no reason for him to be that sloppy in how he handled it with you. He was way more of a dick than he needed to be."

This way, you're taking the person's side, while not totally submitting - you're not saying, "Okay, I just accept whatever you say," but rather saying, "Well, let's look at why this other person likely did this, because I'm sure it made sense to him. But still, I'm on your side, and it's shitty this person did this."

Chase

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