What to Do When Your Approach Just Isn't Working | Girls Chase

What to Do When Your Approach Just Isn't Working

Chase Amante

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approach doesn't work
What do you do if you try to improve with women, but nothing seems to work? There are 8 reasons this happens – and you can beat them all.

Girls Chase has been around for almost nine years. We’ve collected hundreds of case studies, success stories, and testimonials over the years, both solicited and not, from guys about all the wild successes they’ve had with girls after finding this site. Our Field Reports board on the Girls Chase forums is a testament in its own right – just go through and read all the (probably thousands now) lay reports on the boards. But sometimes, guys struggle.

Kalyan, longtime reader (and coaching student of Hector Castillo’s) writes:

Hello,

This is Kalyan, longtime GC fan, and I have a small issue. I am a rather good-looking guy, I’ve got some of my vibe as a man down and I don’t take shit from people. I have good style and I am not afraid to walk up to anyone.

I’m taking coaching from Hector and there are a bunch of things we’re working on (I’m good but not perfect!), but there is something which is sort of discouraging me.

Over the past 2 months I did around 150 approaches. I’d set goals and go at them. And typically I’d use direct openers. However, out of these 150 approaches (mostly day game), I was able to get 8 dates or so, and only like 4 make-outs (2 have been same night pulls).

Many girls would smile at me when I asked for their numbers and give these happily, only not to reply to my first text. This happened like 60 times. Other times I get “I have a boyfriend”. I would be frustrated at this, but when I go out, it’s a new day, I don’t carry it with me.

Now, most of the dates I got were girls who weren’t really sexually interested in me, which suggests that the girls who are interested in me sexually rejected me for not being sexual, so I have to be sexual. Got it, working on it. But my point is, it really doesn’t make sense to do such a huge number of approaches and not get any result at all – the sheer volume should be enough. I’m not saying that I “deserve” more; I know we need to improve, but something doesn’t add up here.

So I was thinking of:

– an article about “what it means when all your approaches don’t end in the bedroom” – or something similar

– advice or relevant articles on this subject (I’ll also cover this with hector).

Thanks

Kalyan’s not the only one I’ve heard from recently about problems or frustrations. We’ve had guys both on the forums and who’ve left comments or emailed in recently to say they’ve been trying to use the material here and just aren’t able to get it to work. Some of these guys have been at it a few months; some of them say they have tried for years.

So let’s talk about what to do when things aren’t working the way you want them to work, expect them to work, or hoped they would work. This post is for the guys at risk of being left behind. The ones who’ve studied, labored, and sweated it out, but failed so far to achieve the results they want.

This article you’ve opened up is 12,000 words long. That makes it one of the five longest essays on Girls Chase as of writing (there are over 1500 articles on this website). It took me six hours to write, and another hour and a half to edit and proofread. I wrote it for two reasons: the first is because we need an article on here to be able to point guys to when they’re struggling. The second is because, while I cannot personally ensure every guy who comes here is going to succeed, I don’t want anybody failing who truly wants this. If you’re putting the work in, I want you to win. I want you to clear any hurdles and get the brass ring.

I can’t promise you this article will turn things around for you. Much of that is going to be up to you. If you and I knew each other in person, and I had enough time to spend with you, there’s a fair chance I could put you on my back and carry you to success. Yet there are tens of thousands of men who’d like me to do that for them, to only one me... and the one me there is is very busy. The best I can do at this point is outline the common problems, lay them all out for you, and hope that when you see them laid out here, some light bulbs go off for you, and the gears in your head start to turn again.

So let me do my best to shine more light on the pitfalls for those guys who are trying to climb their ways out.

Anyway, no further ado. Let’s dive in.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

GET CHASE’S MASTERY PACKAGE

Comments

MrM's picture

Hey Chase!

Don't know if you or anybody else in this site can be of any help in this particular situation but any comment is appreciated.

I'm a good looking guy. Get tons of compliments. And whenever I move on a girl I'm able to close. Or at least get sth out of it (kissing, blowjobs if not sex). The problem is I can't seem to cold approach at all! I'm good if I can get a girl to meet up with me through tinder or social circle. But it is sooo slow. I want to be able to meet girls on command. I did a few cold approaches in europe and and whenever I did I got the girl to come home with me. But... Now that I'm back in my old city (Istanbul) I freeze up. It seems though no one does cold approaches here and I feel like if I did it would be way out of the norm. I know logically that some guys here must do this. I know that the only real solution to this problem is just "man up" and do it. But still... Anyhow, is there any way to get past it?

kalyan's picture

I'll take the burden off Chase on this one- go to the GC forums, and look for the newbie assignment. It's a sweet and short assignment. By the way you described it, you could possibly get laid before you finish it

MrM's picture

Thank you very much for the reply!

I couldn't find the assignment... Any chance you can post up a link if it's not too much trouble?

kalyan's picture

Here's the assignment, make sure you start!
http://www.girlschase.com/boards/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=34

kalyan's picture

It feels awesome to have a post "dedicated" to me. As a guy who "seriously" started approaching in 2017, I haven't been doing this for a long time. But I have a very competitive personality, and I love success, hence why I took the phone coaching with Hector (he pointed out things that would have taken me 6-8 months to auto-fix in 2 weeks). The more I learn, the more I see that there is even MORE to be learned, and older articles make more sense. One point which particularly stood out: who would have know that being sexual is important to have sex with girls? Such a big discovery! After i *really* started to understand this, "women really love sex" started to make more sense.
Regaring the monster article, I feel I need to fix a few points, but I'll take them one at a time: let's start with #1, and understanding that seduction is a light game.
Thanks Chase,
Kalyan

Pyro 's picture

Thank you Chase.
Six hours to write this.! Incredible. What technology do you use? A regular keyboard? Or a voice to text application? Being able to churn out an incredible amount of text in a cohesive way for communicating a certain thought is just surreal. I write and it gets fairly foggy in minds eye so I to use a voice to text tool to 'write'

Great article of course.

Thanks

RockstarBalance's picture

Dear Mr Chase Amante...

You are a Great Teacher, I am honored that I have decided to follow you in my path of Success towards Women ! You have opened my eyes once again...
THANK YOU

~RockstarBalance

Obelisknow's picture

Chase,

Your writing is some deep stuff that is almost always on the money. I can see that you have experienced life, dating success, and just see this stuff from various angles. Most other experts I note rant and write random stuff but you really get to the heart of it all.

All that being said, I do think you left out one major thing in regards to number four but really just the post in general: LOCATION.

Not only location in regards to the city itself but mainly the culture of the area, especially when you bring race in. I notice that I just have an easier time in some cities while in others I notice a surplus of frustrated guys, including myself, and I am white so I can't really blame race!

In regards to brown guys and hot blondes, I used to live in a big southern city (not exactly a backwater town) in the US that had plenty of both. I noticed that the brown guys definitely made an effort to assimilate, look good, and quite a few were even Christians. Despite their push, I never saw any getting the hot southern blondes. Strangely enough I saw these women with some goofy yet highly confident white guys that had poor fundamentals, it was strange. Even cool white guys from outside of the south had a rough time dating good looking blondes in the area.

If anything, I noticed that the brown guys in the city were actually mocked in private by the local white guys who suspected these guys were trying to get "our women" and as a result largely avoided them in social settings like at the church. When I moved out of the south (and again, I was in a big city there) to a big city up north, that is when I started to see hot blondes with guys of various minority groups that had tight fundamentals, it was like night and day. I actually met a couple brown guys who managed to exclusively date hot blondes and it was not an issue for them or most around them.

My point with this comment being, you made an overall good point about assimilating but sometimes, the best thing to do is move. Not only in regards to number 4 but just the whole article in general, some cities are just closed markets that are horrible for men who aren't a part of the good ol boy club.

I'd also like to throw in that in the current socio-political climate of the US, brown people aren't too liked so it would be a good idea to pick a big city with an overabundance of blondes and a largely accepting social culture that judges you more on character and style than ethnicity.

Ryan's picture

Nice article as always, Chase.

In one of the comments section of an article of yours you wrote: "It’s my belief that attraction is there or it isn’t. You can unlock attraction by allowing a woman to feel comfortable lowering her guard and expressing it around you (this, to me, is what most men talk about when they discuss building attraction later into knowing a girl – at least it’s what I mean when I phrase it this way). And it’s also possible to sleep with women who are NOT attracted to you, but who are horny and with whom you handle logistics.

That said, you can increase how attractive you seem to women during that first impression by improving fundamentals / attraction factors. (…) You won’t build that attraction any higher with them while you’re with them, but you may make them more sexually aroused or feel needier / view you as scarcer (which I guess some guys would consider “attraction”, but I consider different dimensions).

So here’s my framework: You can increase how attractive women find you by improving your game and fundamentals. However, once she’s had that first impression of you, her attraction is set. You can still unlock “frozen up” attraction she has for you that’s dampened by low attainability or low value behavior by you, or by her not being invested enough, and you can still help her feel more sexually aroused, or needier toward you, but when I’m talking about pure, raw attraction, as in do I find this man attractive, is he a man I like sexually and romantically, in my view that’s set.

All you can do after the first impression is made is unlock (or lock, if you mess up) the attraction that’s already there, turn her on sexually, or make her chase you or feel needy or invested or other emotions like that."

I find this is some topic which is rarely discussed in the Pickup Community and in my beginner days I was hung up in over-gaming for more than two years because of the thought someone can "create" attraction through actions and especially words. Many community guys are hung up into over-analyzation and mental masturbation, they even fuck it up with girls very often because they think "being normal" would mean being a Nice GuyTM.

I also see how many people mistake a lack of (sexual) comfort or a lack of sexual availability (something this isn't discussed anywhere besides GLLs stuff and yours) as a lack of attraction.

The whole "creating attraction" part makes many guys needy and self-conscious and focus on unnecessary micro-management with little results.

Would be nice to hear you elaborating about this topic (maybe an article).

Greets from Germany.

Neal's picture

Hey Chase.

Just wanna say I complimented a really young girl yesterday at a McDonald's, I'm in my 20s, but it wasn't creepy at all. She was probably in the 6th grade.

She came in by her self, stood at tables by herself and talked on phone, hung up. Later took out cash, went to go buy herself a cheeseburger, and then sat down, ate it buy her self. Few times she took out her phone to 1 hand on the phone, while eating the cheeseburger.

So I came up to her and said "You're my hero. ..I love it when girls are independent, when they go places by themselves, without having to bring their "female friends."

Then I left and sat.

I've sat at McDonald's and other places a lot, and almost all the time, girls come in groups of girls, never by themselves. And the few times a girl does come in by herself, she carries out. Not sit in. And most of those carry-outs, she goes back to a car someone was waiting for her.

So when I see a girl independent like this, who could be as young as 6th grade, this motivates me to compliment. (But would never compliment them by their looks though if at that age.).

Neal.

souwantdatbecky's picture

When I lived in Toronto, it was almost unheard of to see a hot blonde with a brown guy despite there being plenty of hot blondes and brown men there, you did see some with East Asian men though. The reason being that Indian guys had a terrible reputation in Toronto to where a lot of the more status conscious white women, which describes most hot blondes, were weary of being seen with one. Some East Asian guys with game did manage to get these women but that's because East Asian men don't exactly have as bad of an image in Toronto as Indian men do.

As soon as I stayed in Montreal, it was another world. I saw quite a few good looking white women, hot blondes even, with Asian and Brown men. Compared to Toronto, it was far from unheard of like it would have been in Toronto. Montreal was day and night, maybe learning French makes women open to experimenting with cool guys regardless of their race.

Might be something you really want to pay attention to whether you're in Canada or America. It makes me wonder why I see hot blondes with guys of various minority groups in some cities while in others, it is practically unheard of.

Damien_'s picture

Great article! I only started cold approaching consistently 7 months ago due to a change in location and more aggressive competition. It was weird at first, but nowaydays after two or three approaches I get into "the zone" and suddenly it becomes much easier. Like a rejection doesn't bother me too much but rather motivates me. Was able to double my lay count thanks to all the tips I found here.

Asking girls home fast is also very good advice. I asked girls home in as few as 10 minutes and sometimes you can see they are thinking about it, but aren't ready yet. 30 minutes later of deep diving you just ask again and a lot of times the girl is ready then. It's like planting a seed in her mind and it also takes the pressure of the conversation because the girl knows what's the deal and that you plan to close.

If she's with friends it also helps if they like you, I had several occasions where her friends decided for my girl that she will go home with me. Girls are your best wingmen if you play your cards right. I have to say that I lean more on the talktative guy spectrum and many friends have told me I have a great sense of humor that leans into the sexual / dirty side. Together with deep diving it works really well cuz normally the friends like you because you are funny while you are really getting to know the one you are trying to pull.

Anyway thanks Chase and the other authors of this site. You guys helped me heaps. <3

Black's picture

So I just got done reading the muscle posts where that one guy said ypu need muscles and nothing else on the forums.

It made me think more about game and muscles.

So I know both of them help each other.

I'm more silent and don't like to talk much, do you know how I can talk more game to women?

Like how do I have the game you speak of in the post? And use your muscles to your advantage.

I don't like talking at all. How can I love to talk more to spit better game.

How big would you say your muscles would have to be to matter?

Appreciate it

Black's picture

Hey chase,

I moved from the hood years ago.

I was wondering how I could make a big comeback when I go back soon?

I'll probably go back in a few months after many years.

I was thinking in getting in way better shape and stuff.

I got better with girls, I got bigger, but I want more, plus mindset.

I want to have more confidence than I have before, I just want to be a different person and I want them to see how much better I got. I want to show them my new rock solid confidence.

But I want to know how to build it first.

I just want to come back big, strong, smooth, More confidence and money than before.

I really want help with the mental game.

How do you think i can do this around 6-12 months time?

Michal's picture

Hello, Chase,

I have to say, articles like these really remind me why your insight is so great. And I like how you pointed how the basic mantra because last couple of years this site seemed more focused on technical nuances (at least from my perspective).

Dating success = Game + Fundamentals

I understand that and some part of me always did. I would add that Game has a secondary effect which is like a light, and fundamentals have secondary attribute, which is your value. And your game shines on your fundamentals which in turn present your value in a certain way. Now I dont mean value like personal values but value as "things that you can offer and provide to others".

However, what it seems to me is that you guys on here, the teachers, sometimes seem to forget is that it is not that easy to actually improve in these because of other factors. I understand your point about the good method but wrong application of it. When I was super skinny, I went to the gym and gained about 14 pounds of muscle in first 8 months and then I hit a plateau. And if some guy told he cannot do that, I would tell him what to do and be confused if it did not work.

However, with activities and skills that regard personality I think it is much more complex. For example, I have very small ego, I am not confident at all, yet I have good self-esteem, am intelligent and I was always told this which I feel makes me shy away from some tasks and do or say certain stuff to hide incompetence because I am afraid to look an idiot or simply not knowing something because I feel like I should.

Now, this stuff and some other stuff shapes my persona. And it influences my body language, how I look at people, what they see in my eyes, how warm I seem to them etc. However, my point is the vibe is off and its not like you can just switch it in couple of months or a year with limited opportunities to practice your skills. I read pretty much all the articles linked here over last couple of years, some of them multiple times but there is a reason some stuff in life works certain way. I cannot just move slow and make eye contact from a side and "be sexy" to a girl. People can smell when you are uncomformtable or a bit anxious or nervous. That requires exposure of course. But if you dont seem like a valuaeble person to be a part of other peoples lives, you dont get much opportunities to work on this.

But I guess my issue is that I never really understood what other people want unless they were super sad, which I have plenty of experience being myself at times. Which means, I wanted to ask you, someone who has plenty of experience with women...

----------

I have a very clear goal (#5 here) about what I want. I would be ok to marry the next girl I sleep with provided she has certain characteristics. There girls that I would like to be with which have lets say certain personality, fundamentals and goals and values. I think the easiest is to give you an example, which is... a girl who behaves and acts like Alice Eve - meaning her, in interviews and in real life. She looks amazing too. The fundamentals (meaning looks, body language, style etc.) I am not that set with, a girl like Carmen Electra who is very different from Alice still catches my eye. Yet I think Alice Eve is a type of girl I would like to spend my life with.

And I think if I knew what a girl like that wants from a guy she wants to spend her life with (because I have absolutely no idea). I think I could manage to achieve that without any other lurking advices from you guys here. I know what I want, I am just not "it" and dont have and cannot offer "that".

I met a girl like that 2,5 years ago. Absolutely amazing girl. Things I know about her... her best male friend was a son of a mafia boss "ruling" one of our smaller towns. His best friend was a son of a Russian mafioso living in one of the bigger cities. She knows people, seems popular yet slightly reserved and guarded, even when she talked with her core group of friends I never saw her talk about some deeper stuff about life, at best how people are and how they assume and stuff. She had a boyfriend the entire time I know her, told me that she had been only on one date which is how she met him. She was always near me in my "elbow" length when we talked, she kept looking at my reactions when things happened (like a teacher told some girl she came to the wrong date and time to take a test - we looked at each other with "feelsbadman.jpg expression"). She very much liked my sense of humor, kept eye contact for longer times, when there was a team project for 3 people in class, she wanted to be just with me and stuff like, before we knew each other better, even though she could sit anywhere in the first row (because it was all empty), she sat right next to me. So with all the other stuff I believe I was her type but I think the value thing and the boyfriend thing stopped me from being with her. She looked like combination of Emily Blunt, Amy Adams and Carmen Electra and she was dressing very simply, elegantly, just the way I liked it and, the more specil thing... she kept binding her hair in multiple ways. If you google [Differnent Ways to Bind Up Hair], there is a picture on Pinterest.

Anyways, I apologize for this wall of text, but my gut tells me that I will meet only one girl like this in the future and I have to be prepared, meaning build up my value. And I dont know what a girl like that wants, what kind of guy she wants for long term. Currently, provider value - I have a very good car, a prospective, stable job that I like with 10% above average pay and 20% higher than median of salaries, sexual value is almost non-existant I guess but sometimes I meet girls that show signs of attraction so I think it is not that bad, platonic value - I am kind, I can support emotionally very well, low key, I can draw very well.

If you read all this, thank you for your time and have a nice day.

Regards,
Michal

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