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One of the cycles familiar to lots and lots of people is the break-up-get-back-together cycle.
If you’ve been dating before, odds are you’ve gone through this once or twice (or thrice, or more) yourself.
Here’s how it works: you and a girlfriend break up. Then after a while, you realize how perfect she’d been for you, and reach out to her to get back together. Or, you’re plugging along in your single life, when she reaches out to you and wants to see you again.
Then pretty soon, you’re back together. For a few days or a few weeks, it’s as great as ever!
Then things go back to the way they were before the first time you broke up. If you initiated the breakup before, you may start wishing you’d stayed broken up. If she’d initiated the breakup before, you may notice she’s become annoyed with those same things about you that precipitated the initial breakup in the first place.
So you break up again. A little time goes by, and maybe you get back together again. Then maybe you break up again later.
Here’s a question you may not have asked yourself, though: why do you do this? And why does she do it?
Obviously it’s kind of a silly nonsense dance, isn’t it?
Either stay together, or stay broken up, right?
Yet you aren’t doing that. But why?
Comments
Grand Slam
Right, Chase
Many worship routine even if it's waning and crippling in the long haul. Ultimately, fear of involvement more so than any self denial on their part refrains them from taking risks. They'd rather keep repeating the same dysfunctional "relationship" pattern(s) knowing they'll eventually, regret it. I can't say I've ever personally, regressed or reduced to this. Most know when it's gotten past the point of no return, but they refuse to resign to the fact that a "relationship" is unsalvageable. My only advice is if a guy/girl is investing precious time and efforts on new prospects in hopes of aiming for better they should trade up not down. In the bottom of the riverbed lie both smudged gold nuggets (worth) and shimmering limestone pebbles (waste) whichever a scavenger decides to keep is strictly up to personal choice.
Amazing. You again managed to
Amazing. You again managed to add a new angle to my perception of dating.
Couples that Fit. Response?
Hey Chase,
This whole article got me thinking about the so-called, "power couples," that don't seem to think they have settled for one another and continue on to have a rewarding relationship for decades to come.
Perhaps I'm confused about the nature of this so much that I don't even know where to begin questioning things. How does one know they are in one of these? How do you even make this work?
Assuming that a man knew he could have anybody, say like Hugh Jackman, but continues to stick with his wife who is unattractive compared to other starlets, yet he feels shes right for him and stays by her, how do you explain that phenomenon? (a less famous example would be Alan Ritchson, who I assume many girls chased after even before Hollywood. Looking at his wife, she is not as attractive as most of the starlets in the business. They have been married almost a decade, staying together even as his career grows.)
I'm not just focusing on attractiveness though. I'm more focused on the "Why her? Why pick that one specifically out of the many options you have?"
I've met young people, after all I am one, who claim they are with their soul mates, but I hear the sex between them is sub-par and it seems like they are forcing it. Meanwhile, another couple has been dating forever, can joke and talk about everything, the sex is fantastic, they support each others goals, and they can't imagine being with anyone else.
Are these relationships and marriages doomed to fizzle out emotionally on a long enough timeline, or is there a something that makes them work? Is it sustainable? And what are your thoughts on men who have an abundance of options who settle down for a one and only?
Just something I started pondering while reading this article for some reason. Thanks again for the brilliant articles!
Re: Couple that Fit
Fox-
If the definition of a “power couple” is “two people who do not feel at all they’ve ‘settled’ for one another”, I’d say the requirements are:
The research on men selecting partners found that report beauty being less important in long-term partners, and I can tell you from watching everyone from public figures to close friends that very few men select their most beautiful partner as the one they’ll stick around with really long-term. The reason seems to be that beauty is only one of the factors, and the best match for most men is usually not the absolute most beautiful woman.
I don’t know much about Hugh Jackman’s relationship (I think he’s with an older gal, right?), but something to keep in mind is just because a guy has abundance, he doesn’t necessarily have absolute abundance, and absolute abundance is actually pretty rare even among successful/powerful men. Many of them will have entered their relationships before they reached the point where women were throwing themselves at them, so they’ll tend to look at these women and say yeah, sure, I can get laid as much as I want with all these girls, but how do I know there are any women out there as awesome in all ways that the one I’ve got right NOW is?
Additionally, the women men get throwing themselves at them as their profiles rise tend not to be the top most desirable women. Those women are usually not aggressively seeking out stars. This seems to further reinforce non-absolute abundance; the guy’s surrounded by women, but none of them are really long-term material. Is his woman truly the only good woman he could ever really get? If he lets her go, will he be condemned to inane relationships with vapid hangers-on?
One other consideration is there are a lot of men with pretty low standards when it comes to beauty. Odds are, Hugh Jackman doesn’t see much difference looks wise between his wife and a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. I bet if you asked him, he might say the swimsuit model is maybe a 9 and his wife’s just a 7, but hey, that swimsuit model is also 20 years younger. Take a look at his wife in her prime and she’d give her a run for her money. What’s the old saying… “love is blind.”
I suspect these are the primary reasons men stay with women who seem to be “less than what they can get.” The gal is “good enough”, and they aren’t all that confident they can truly replace her, either.
On a long enough timeline: nothing lasts. So if people magically started living to 10,000, of course you’d have a few outliers, but most even pretty-optimal pairings would eventually break up. People would spend much longer periods dating casually (assuming everyone is young and reproductively fertile throughout the majority of those 10,000 years), and long-term pairings would be a lot less stable throughout much of that lifespan.
Chase
This was just in time
Chase,
I was in the pit of idealizing my ex-girlfriend last night, and was going to reach out this weekend if other options fell through (have a few numbers right now, but the good ones aren't particularly receptive, and the other options, though eager, are less appealing than my ex).
You have motivated me to forget it, and go meet more women. My ex would sleep with me without commitment (she has made this clear), but I think I will put my drive into lining up more prospects as opposed to investing time into something that I have already left behind twice before (as 'decent' as it was).
Thanks, man! Maybe on top of approaches, I'll bite the bullet and finally try Tinder. What do I have to lose?
- G
Re: Just in Time
Graham-
Glad to hear it, man!
I think dropping the ex and hitting the approach treadmill is always the better option, assuming you have the time and motivation.
There's a point where it becomes impractical, and people settle (while telling themselves "I'm not settling, there just isn't anything better out there"), but... if you're not at that point yet... like you said: what've you got to lose?
Chase
Another Graham!
Chase,
This is perfect timing for me, too! I'm 28, never been in a relationship.. fell into a FWB with an older (33), less attractive, and slightly overweight woman. She got out of a 4 year relationship a couple months before and we were both desperate for some sex/intimacy/affection.
We started seeing each other every weekend from the start, she started to fall for me, treated me like a king, I basked in her love and started to fall for her. She helped me through many of my insecurities (jealousy, suspiciousness), and I overlooked all the red flags (she'd never been in a healthy relationship at 33, was ok with casual sex, wanted children/marriage etc).
I broke up with her after 3 months knowing I was only sticking around out of fear. I started to miss her incredibly, professed my love, got back together. Went on holiday, met her friends, and now another 3 months on I've broke up with her again.
It's so painful because I truly love this woman, but I know we're not a good match for each other, and I know we only got together because we were desperate. I'd rather make my partner choices from a mindset of abundance.
if I stuck with her I would hit my peak attractiveness around 35 and be with a 40 year old woman who is demanding children (if I'd not already caved). It couldn't work and wouldn't be fair. I remember reading your FWB article and that was what made realise I had to do this for both of us - let her find a man who is ready to settle down.
If you have time, one question I did have - she was quite adventurous and liked travelling, was very outgoing and confident (teacher). You've said stay away from women like this for LTRs in your How To Prevent Cheating Article. Do you still hold that true? I feel like I'll have a boring LTR if I'm with someone who isn't adventurous and dynamic.
Anyway, thanks! Your insights and advice have helped me navigate these murky waters tremendously over the last 12 months.
Adventurous/Traveling in LTRs
David-
Good call getting out - tough to do when your emotions are involved, but when you get that girl who's pretty much everything you want, you'll breathe a big sigh of relief at having a girl who is much more of what you're looking for.
Re: adventurous women and women who like to travel, my advice in "How to Prevent Cheating by Your Girlfriend" was "don't date them if preventing infidelity is priority #1 for you." For some guys it is. For other men it's more important they have a mate who's going to be a more lively, enthusiastic gal that will keep them on their toes.
Personally, I like girls with a bit of adventurousness and travel-friendliness to them. Any given girl like this is a good bit more likely to stray than a woman who's less inclined to travel and adventure, but for where I'm at with women losing a girlfriend here or there to infidelity is not the end of the world to me. I'm adept at knowing when something's "up", it's easy for me to replace girlfriends, and I don't take infidelity as a personal slight so it doesn't wreck my self-esteem or anything if it happens. A somewhat-higher risk of infidelity is a price I'm comfortable with for a woman I enjoy a more dynamic relationship with. That's different for different men though, so I just lay out the details of the different routes and allow readers to decide what path is best for them.
Chase
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