We often mention on this site that “just be yourself” is bad advice; that if you really want to see yourself truly improve with women (and in general) you should continually upgrade you: your fundamentals, process, and work past any possible sticking points that you may run into.
However, I’ve noticed that a lot of guys try to reach an idealized version of a man: a man who’s smooth, confident, successful, fit… and, well… perfect, in every way.
Not just good, mind you. But perfect.
Today I want to talk about why trying to be the "perfect man" can actually hurt you… and what you can do to maximize your results with women, while steering clear of the danger of striving for a little too much perfection.
I once knew a guy who was everything a girl could dream of. He was handsome; he was well-dressed; he was rich; he was smart; and he was everything else a girl could possibly check off her magic wish list.
I would often introduce him to female friends of mine, and they would always be delighted to meet him. He would take them to bed, take them out on dates, and show them a generally good time. All was well and it always seemed like they would form a long lasting, deep connection with him.
But something strange always happened. After about 4-8 weeks, the girls would consistently dump him or otherwise call it quits. They would dump him. Mr. Charming-and-Successful would always get kicked to the curb by girls who often considered him to be out their league. It wouldn’t be messy or full of drama, but they would always decide that they had had enough.
How could this be?
It baffled me every time it happened.
One day I finally got a chance to ask a couple of the girls why they had decided to dump to this great man. Without hesitation, they would invariably give me the same answer: “He was just so boring!”
They would tell me that he was so good at everything, and so flawless, that there was nothing that stood out about him. It was always a consistently good time. But that’s all it was… good.
That’s impossible! I would always think to myself. This guy is too “perfect’ for these girls? Then what chance would an average guy have with these ladies?
But then another interesting thing happened. These girls started dating guys who ranged from average to really great – yet still not as good as Mr. Perfect – and ended up dating these men for quite a while.
And I finally came to a surprising realization: no woman wants to be with a man she sees as “perfect.”
The Perfect Man Isn’t Human
myself and many other guys falling into this trap as
well. You so badly want to improve your skills that you imagine
yourself as the perfect man – in every way – for a girl. You see a man
who never upsets her, a man who always says the right thing, and a man
who always keeps her happy.
But the thing is, when you place yourself in this fantasy, you lose the qualities that actually make you stand out with women.
Let’s imagine that you had the choice of listening to one of two pianists. Imagine that one was the most technically sound pianist there ever was. He followed every note of every song with mathematical and technical precision, and from that standpoint, his playing was absolutely flawless.
Now imagine that the other pianist was Beethoven; still technically sound, but full of improvisation, imagination, and unexpected notes that could be perceived as “imperfect” or even “mistakes” at times.
Which pianist would people more likely listen to and admire? It wouldn’t even be close. It would be Beethoven by a landslide.
because people can’t relate to things that are perfect.
Being a person means being flawed, impulsive and emotional. And when things are perfect, they become devoid of all of these things.
They stop being human.
And this is what happened to that poor acquaintance of mine. He
became a caricature of a man that none of his girlfriends could relate
So what do women really want in a man?
Women will tell you that they want a guy who is nice and gentle and all of the other things that say out loud about their dream guys. But if this site has taught you anything, it’s that you should never pay attention to what girls say, and always pay attention to what girls do.
The fact of the matter is, women love drama. In fact, people love drama. And that includes you too, Dear Reader. This is why we watch plays/movies, read books, and keep track of the social lives of people we may not even like.
If every book was about a flawless character who never had anything go wrong for them, people would never read books.
Whether or not people will admit it, drama makes life more interesting. And understanding this fact about women and people will help you become the man that women are actually looking for.
We’ve already established in the past that “be yourself” is bad advice. But it’s important to go a bit deeper into what this actually means.
Be yourself is bad advice when:
You have a victim mentality and think that everything that happens to you is the fault of someone or something else outside your control
You don’t move fast with women
However, these all pertain to negative aspects of your mentalities toward life and women. This doesn’t mean that you should stop being yourself if you have good traits to capitalize on. Although you should work to actively improve on these traits, you should keep these positive that are already netting you success with women and making you a powerful man.
So, being is yourself is good advice when:
You are smooth and understand how to remain in control
You are aware of social dynamics and move gracefully through social situations
You have strong fundamentals
You are well-respected, successful and happy
Once again, if you already possess these positive character traits, then being yourself is good advice. But the point to emphasize is that there are always things to improve on.
That being said, there is a third category associated with this subject as well. If you look at the two lists above, these traits are almost entirely focused on other people. How you interact with other people, how you attract women, etc.
But the third category in being yourself is retaining things about you that won’t change no matter what. These can be both positive and negative, but they are the things that separate you from everyone else. These are things like:
Stubbornly wanting to master business or personal finance regardless of what other people think, because you want to better your life
Having absolutely zero tolerance for people who waste your time
Having a passion for skydiving or world travel
Only starting serious relationships with women who don’t go to clubs
Having a passion for classic rock
Being fiercely loyal to your friends until you have a reason to do otherwise
If you pay close attention to this third list, you see that not everyone is going to agree with a man who holds any one of these beliefs. Not everyone is going to even get along with a man who has any of those qualities.
But in the end, having a strong belief in something that matters to you, and you alone, is exactly what makes a man. And by extension, this is exactly what makes a man flawed. It’s having parts of yourself that will always be important to you and may be misunderstood or misinterpreted by other people that make the exact a man the very antithesis of a perfect man.
Byronic Men vs. Perfect Men
Besides the fact that no one can relate to someone who is “perfect,” what being the perfect person really means is that said person is a people-pleaser. A man of perfection lives his life for the sake of other people, making sure that everyone always has the best opinion of him, and making sure that he never rocks the boat.
My acquaintance, Mr. Perfect, was just like this. Always attending to his girlfriends at all times, making sure that they always had what they needed, or always did what they asked of him – even if he didn’t necessarily have the time or the resources.
But people who are perfect never leave legacies, and people who are perfect never keep the highest class of women.
The best of everything goes to the men who are Byronic. These are the troubled savants like Mozart, the enlightened dreamers like Voltaire, the daringly audacious like Alexander the Great.
In the end, this is the perfect man for a woman; a man who dedicates himself to a greater pursuit, maintains qualities that he doesn’t compromise for anyone, and adds her to his life a boon to these qualities and goals.
Be Unique Instead
I’ve always been the biggest proponent of standing out. Whether it’s as simple as wearing colorful clothing or rare accessories, or perfecting a skill that few other people have mastered – standing out is an important key to bringing friends and girls into your life.
Standing out not only helps you attract the attention of other people, it’s an indication of the fact that you place importance on things that you care about, and not on things that other people think you should care about.
Instead of trying to impress people, you work on cultivating yourself; which, ironically, is the most effective way of impressing people (funny how that works).
No matter how good you are now, or how good you may become in the future, you should always continue to improve your skills with women. As importantly, you should pursue the avenues that matter to you as an individual.
As you better the skills that you learn on this site, while perfecting the traits that make you unique, you will reach the perfect balance of independent/Byronic man and talented seducer. And you’ll avoid the danger of the “perfect man” trap.
It’s also important to say that despite what you may think, you don’t want a perfect woman either. You don’t want a woman who likes every single thing you like, and agrees with you on everything, and never challenges you in any way.
God, that would be boring.
Luckily for you, there is no perfect woman (or man for that matter). Those women only exist in the dreams of men who haven’t had enough experiences with females in the real world.
This is why it’s so incredibly important to step out of your dreams and fantasies and see whatever girl you like as the flawed and wonderful person she actually is.
Finding balance while improving your skills with women can be incredibly difficult. But it’s important to remember what matters to you over what other people may expect of you.
Once you have a solid identity and solid foundation, you can easily use the tools of seduction and social grace on other people.
Just don’t set unrealistic and detrimental standards for yourself. Be Byronic, be unique, and be spontaneous. This will give her all of the drama and excitement she could ever ask for – and will make you everything she could ever want you to be.
Go get ‘em.