Emotional Contagion in Seduction and Socializing


emotional contagionA potent but under-discussed phenomenon in the fields of socializing and seduction is that of emotional contagion, the tendency for emotions between two or more people to converge.

Emotional contagion is the foundation of frame control, and is of vital importance too in creating sexual tension and social pressure, in remaining in command of yourself and others in high pressure situations, and in effectively leading women (and men, too).

You might say it's a case of "the person with the most solid and catchable emotions wins."

Todays article is the first of a two-part series on emotional transference, with two articles focused on:

  1. How to transfer your emotions to others, and

  2. How to protect yourself from others' negative emotional transfers

Done right, emotional transfer is an outstanding tool for creating the emotions in women that you want them to feel, and improving their experience, your experience, and the outcome of your interactions.

And while "emotional contagion" and "emotional transference" might sound at first like New Age-y touchy-feely mumbo jumbo, it is in fact hard science, and it all has to do with the fascinating little cells in your brain called "mirror neurons."


emotional contagion

Yes, indeedy do.

I'm sure you've experienced this plenty of times yourself:

  • That time you were feeling great... until some dour friend of yours came along and dumped all his troubles on you, making you feel as awful as he did

  • That time you were down in the dumps, until somebody told you a few jokes and shared a funny story about something that happened to her recently and suddenly you were laughing and chatting as if you'd been fine all along

  • That time you went to the party feeling tired and drained, but after a short while around the other people there - even before the alcohol started kicking in - you were talking, dancing, flirting, and having a ball

"No man is an island," John Donne said.

He might just as well have said, "Man is a lake in the middle of a sea."

For things flow out of us, and things flow in.


How Emotional Contagion Works

We define emotional contagion as the tendency to automatically mimic and synchronize expressions, vocalizations, postures, and movements with those of another person's and, consequently, to converge emotionally.

That's an excerpt defining the subject from the paper "Emotional Contagion", first published in Current Directions in Psychological Science in 1993 by Elaine Hatfield, John T. Cacioppo, and Richard L. Rapson. While they note others as far back as Adam Smith in 1759 had proposed a method of humans mimicking one anothers emotional displays, it was only in the past 25 years or so that awareness of this phenomenon really gained much traction.

I'd been aware of emotional contagion since I was a little boy growing up in the 1980s. I didn't know what it was or how it worked though... I just knew that it was very easy for me to make other people feel how I wanted them to feel. I just thought I had a "power."

And while it'd be presumptuous to rule out an extrasensory basis altogether - there still isn't any significant refutation of the positive findings of the large number of ongoing ganzfeld telepathy experiments, for instance - as it turns out, emotional contagion does not need the supernatural to be explained.

It exists courtesy a far more mundane explanation.

The way emotional contagion seems to work is that the brain analyzes the voices, facial expressions, and other nonverbal cues of other people, then mimics them. This mimicry - spurred on by the brain's "mirror neurons", a set of brain cells solely dedicated to making people feel what they observe other people feeling, to bring them emotionally in-sync - feeds back into the brain's emotion centers, causing mirroring not just externally - in one's own voice, expressions, and cues - but internally, as well - in what one actually feels.

emotional contagion

Thus the term "emotional contagion" - as it turns out, smiles really are contagious... and misery does love company.


Power and Emotion

I'm going to share a study with you now that's first going to seem confusing and counterintuitive, but it's absolutely key to how we use emotional contagion in seductive and social situations, so bear with me.

Elaine Hatfield and three other researchers published an earlier study - in 1989 - in which emotional contagion was studied in conjunction with personal power. The study - titled "The effect of power on susceptibility to emotional contagion" - ran on the hypothesis that individuals in powerless positions (e.g., employee, student, inmate, etc.) would pay more attention to their superior's emotions and be more likely to "catch" those superiors' emotions, than superiors in positions of power (e.g., boss, teacher, police officer, politician, etc.) would be to theirs.

However... the study proved otherwise:

This study explored two questions: Do people tend to display and experience other people's emotions? If so, what impact does power have on people's susceptibility to emotional contagion? We speculated that the powerless should pay more attention to their superiors (than their superiors pay to them) and should thus be especially likely to “catch” their superion' emotions as well. College students, given the role of “teacher” (powerful person) or “learner” (powerless person), observed videotapes of another (fictitious) subject relating an emotional experience. They were asked what emotions they felt as they watched their partner describe the happiest and saddest event in his life. In addition, they were videotaped as they watched the tape. As predicted, clear evidence of emotional contagion was obtained in this controlled laboratory setting. However, a direct (rather than inverse) relation between power and emotional contagion was found. Powerful subjects were more likely to display their subordinate's feelings than subordinates were to display those of the powerful other. Several possible explanations for these unexpected results were proposed.

It is not the powerless who are most susceptible to emotional contagion. It is the powerful.

So how does this work?


emotional contagion

To get our heads around emotional contagion's power dynamic, I'd like to ask you to think first of the person trapped in victim mentality.

The typical person with victim mentality:

  • Sees himself as the victim of more powerful superiors, who control the keys to him getting what he wants and needs or not

  • Views himself as oppressed or shortchanged by more powerful forces

  • Believes that the things he wants and needs are outside of his control; he is unable to direct his own life and destiny in some or all ways

In other words, someone who believes he is a victim of anyone / anything has placed himself into a subordinate role, mentally.

He is someone low in power.

And how easily swayed are people in the victim role?

Have you ever tried?

I have... countless times. It's a trap.

You cannot change someone's mind when he sees himself a victim... he will not listen to you. He won't entertain your views.

And, he is largely immune to your ability to impress emotions on him... particularly, good emotions.

An individual in the subordinate role is too worried about himself to spend much time caring what you are doing, thinking, or feeling.

As a subordinate, all he can think about is him.


What Being "Relatable" Really Is

Intriguing to me has been the link between emotional contagion and deep diving / screening and qualifying women / inspiring women.

You might even be able to say that a large part of what makes these so effective with women is that they allow a woman to feel more empowered and, thus, her circle of emotional awareness is able to expand, and allow her to more easily catch your emotions.

It seems to work like this:

  • A woman you haven't connected and/or with whom there is no powerful feeling of instant attraction with feels weird, awkward, or creeped out if you try moving things with her too fast or break out a strongly sexual vibe on her too early; the emotion she sees in you seems inappropriate to her, she feels cognitive dissonance, and she rebels against it

  • Alternately, a woman you have deep dived and thoroughly screened feels as though she has impressed you with her qualifications (she's empowered); a woman you have inspired feels as though she could take on the world, with your support (she's empowered); and a woman who sees you and instantly feels attracted to you is relating you to a man she's had highly positive experiences with in the past, and feels confident she can have them with you (again, she's empowered)

In each of the three scenarios where a woman is deep dived and screened and qualified, or inspired, or feels instant attraction upon seeing and meeting you, SHE FEELS EMPOWERED.

And, now empowered, she tunes into and mirrors back to you your emotions all the better.

You might even say that this is the crux of what "being relatable" is really all about: it is, simply, making a woman feel empowered around you.


How to Use Emotional Contagion with Others

In most articles, this is where I'd put a list of 7 or 10 steps for you to follow to start using the technique du jour right away.

This time around, I've only got two for you:

  1. Empower

  2. Emote

If you need it spelled out a bit more in-depth, here it is:

  1. Empower. Before that other person you're talking to is going to be open to catching your emotions, she must first feel POWERFUL. If she feels weak, subordinate, or off-balance, she will not catch your emotions. This probably comes as a bit of a surprise if you're used to standard seduction logic; but I thought you were supposed to be the dominant alpha male? you might say. And while you do want women following your lead and viewing you as a powerful individual, you also want them feeling like they are free to do what they want around you - something a student usually would not feel around a teacher, or an employee a boss. You want women to feel like they can let their hair down and pursue you as aggressively as they like - and that's about feeling powerful, not weak.

  2. Emote. The next step - once she's feeling powerful - is getting her to feel, period. The emotions you want a woman to feel in a seduction are typically sexual excitement and anticipation. The emotions you want others to feel in other social situations can be anything from enamored to amazed to comfortable to warm to relaxed. All you have to do to make people feel these things is wear those emotions on your own face and body while making eye contact with them once they feel connected to you and empowered around you. At that point, they begin to easily catch what you emote.

The connecting / screening / qualifying / empowering you can do quite easily with these articles:

The emoting you can do with these:

There's lots of material on this site on these two topics.


So It's Really About Empowering Other People?

emotional contagionYes, it is.

The secret to being good at using emotional contagion - at transfering your emotions to other people - comes down to being adept at making people feel like they matter.

If you can communicate to other people that you believe they are important, and powerful, and can do anything they set out to do - and you can communicate this in as little as a look or a glance, sometimes - those people will be open to receiving emotions from you.

Because they feel powerful.

Because they feel secure.

Because they are able to expand their emotional awareness outside of themselves and take on the emotions of others.

When you empower first, and emote second, you can use this one-two punch to impress upon others the emotions which you have called up in yourself. And you can use this to scare up a bit more sexual tension and arousal with beautiful women; to convey a feeling of warmth with new acquaintances; to strike just the right tone of responsibility and ascendancy with prospective employers and your new girlfriend's family alike.

Emotional contagion is powerful mojo... and you can use it to make your interactions that much closer and more intimate.

Always,
Chase Amante


Also: tune in tomorrow for part two of the series on emotional transference, and learn about the dark side of emotion transfer - a phenomenon known as "psychic vampirism." [UPDATE: here's the article: "Protecting Yourself from Psychic Vampires (and Not Turning, Either)"]

Related Articles from GirlsChase.com

Comments

Anonymous's picture

hard to get


Hey chase, here's one I've been struggling with for a
While:

Often times I can tell that a is attracted to me, but she still plays hard to get, I guess in effort to save face? By hard to get I mean she constantly challenges me, pretends to be interested in another
Guy and speak with him, steal my seat all these silly things etc. I can tell that she's doing this and it's always obvious that she likes me. Those little sideways glances and just the way she looks at me gives it away,

But how do u deal with a girl playing hard to
Get like this.

Do you do it back to her? and try to win the challenge? I would guess not as this would create a silly
Game and is just counterproductive to seduction.

Do you just go though with your process, whilst ignoring all her
Challenges etc?

Thanks chase

Chase Amante's picture

Hard to Get

Author

Anon-

Girls usually don't start doing this until they feel like you aren't capitalizing on the signals they're giving you / you've missed (what they thought of as) obvious escalation windows. There's sort of a loss of trust... the girl figures, "Okay, well, since he's obviously not going to do anything, I'm just going to pump my value and REALLY make him want me bad!" It becomes something of a negative cycle, because then you start to chase, she runs away, thinking to herself, "Ha! So NOW you want me! Well, let's see if I can make you want me even MORE!" and then keeps doing it.

The best thing to do here is not miss her signals / the chance to move things forward the first time around, and never have it come to this. If you're already in "put the fire out" mode though, and you've already missed signals and had it not work, it's best to ignore her for a while until she calms down, and then once she's knocked it off, you can start talking to her again, and this time around do things right and not miss those windows and keep yourself focused on forward progress with her so she can start to trust that you will give her what she needs and not just be a tease.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Scared


Are some inexperienced women scared of guys that are really attractive or seem perfect for them?

Chase Amante's picture

Inexperienced Women

Author

Anon-

Sure - that's where you need more humbleness and a gentler touch (less biting humor, toned down verbal sexualizing, even if you're just as sexual in your vibe and nonverbals).

Chase

Richard's picture

Emotional Contagion


Man Chase! Beautiful article, took me right back to my days of listening to my psych teacher hours after class was over, it certainly brought back a lot of information I'd let seep into my subconscious. I'm impressed that you're able to write articles like this because like yourself, I do a lot of these things unconsciously ( controlling emotion specifically) and I really don't even realize how I do it until you write an article on it. Your articles on emotional bases are great because they give me information on why things work for me, and thus, I can pass on that information to others.
Anyway! Looping in a previous article and your eBook, when getting women to feel empowered, is it a good idea ( what I'm about to say is something I do) to humble yourself to get her to feel empowered as well? In your book you use self-depreciation, and, basically can you use self-depreciation to empower her as well?

Chase Amante's picture

Empowering

Author

Richard-

Yes, absolutely - humility / relatability is key. It juxtaposes interestingly with arrogance, which is also a very attractive trait with women - the way you need to use these is to be arrogant and proud, but also down-to-Earth with her... that way she feels like, "Wow, here's a guy that is HOT STUFF and KNOWS IT, but with he's still cool with me and others and doesn't act aloof or superior." Imagine it like meeting a high status guy (maybe the quarterback for your university's football team, or your boss's boss's boss at work), only for this guy to be cool and play down his accomplishments somewhat around you. You know he's awesome, but he's not throwing it in your face or acting like you're dirt because of it; rather, he's treating you as if you're pretty cool too. Makes you feel quite good that this high status person is treating you like someone worthwhile as well.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Quick Question Chase


"I am the prize attitude"

Now what would you say, is it a good idea to be direct and honest in saying to girls that "i am the prize"?

I mean, not literally, but saying things that lead that sentence.

For example i had a girl i was seeing and messed things up, now she is trying to get back to her ex, and i tried
many things, didn`t chase hard, but nothing worked.

Now, when things go bad, or go sideways in those situations is it a good idea to be as Direct as possible about stating what you are and how you should be perceived ??

For example:
- Girl you don`t know what you are missing out on.
- Girl i really am something special, i just need you to give me a shot to prove it.
- Sure, you will find someone better, but none will be like me, and you really have no idea what i am like.
- You really have no idea that we might have something special that no one else does.

Now everyone is special in their own way, i know i am. I got certain qualities that no one around me has.
But women don`t know that, and i can`t show them that right away without pumping my value.

By saying some of those lines, i actually end up feeling and looking needy and desperate and pumping up my value.

So i am asking is it a good idea to do that when things fall apart ?

If it is good, can you give me some examples, and examples that i don`t look like needy or desperate?

Thanks.
Regards.

Chase Amante's picture

Telling Her to Value You

Author

Anon-

You can occasionally combine stating you're high value with impending scarcity and an immediate call to action give women enough pause to comply with what you ask by telling them things like, "If you leave right now, you'll go home, have a nice quiet night, and forget all about having met me. But if you come WITH me right now, you may just be stepping off onto a different path of adventure you'd never have seen or experienced in your life otherwise. Don't go home and sleep; you can do that any night. This is the only night you get to be with ME. So come with me."

However, that's in pickups, when the girl really doesn't know you from Jack yet. Once you've been dating her / sleeping with her / in a relationship with her for a while... really, any time it isn't the first or second time you've met her... words don't work so well and she's going with whatever she's ferreted out on her own. That means you must focus on SHOWING her you're a super high value guy she should be chasing after. If you can't show her that, it doesn't matter how silver your tongue is, you won't be able to convince her of something that goes against what she's seen with her own two eyes.

I like to say this about scenarios like this: "If you have to say it, it isn't true." If you think a girl's a liar and a cheat based on what you've seen from her, and she tells you, "No way, you're crazy! I'm like the most faithful, reliable person ever," or, worse: "You don't know what you're missing out on, baby - this is the best stuff you're ever going to have," how much does that sway you to change your mind?

Forget words; they're worthless. If a girl's ditching you for an ex, she's 1.) not in a good place to be in any kind of relationship right now, because she's still hung up on someone else, and 2.) not seeing your value, which means you haven't done a good job of communicating it to her with your nonverbal fundamentals and actions.

Chalk it up to experience, and make your focus into making women so enamored with you just being around you that at no point do you ever have to TELL them to value you - they just DO.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Inexpeirence


Can you do an article about inexperienced women?

Chase Amante's picture

Inexperienced Women

Author

Anon-

I've added it to the list.

Chase

LeFonz's picture

Hey Chase, This is exactly


Hey Chase,

This is exactly what I wanted to read. Having people feel like they have power makes them more attached to you, and they come back to you and give you value in order to attain that power. I know a friend of mine did this, maybe intentionally or unintentionally, but I didn't know the element behind his "magneticity" that he had, and now I know that this is through emotional contagion and will be applying it with myself.

One question that I have regarding this idea though, is if you are giving people power, how do you make people still respect you in a way? I've heard this line saying, "it's better to think what you can provide, than what you can get" and used this concept but I found that people took it for granted sometimes and would use me. How do you get "respect" from people when using this idea of emotional contagion?

Cheers,
Lefonz

Chase Amante's picture

Being Respected While Being Empowering

Author

Lefonz-

Check out my reply to Richard a few comments up. What you want is to come across as the really high value guy (and that's part fundamentals, and part the other kinds of value you legitimately build in your life - friends, career, talents, local fame, etc.), and then be the guy empowering. Think of a really high status person you meet, who then shows interest in you and treats you well and is cool with you when you know he COULD be snobbish and aloof but isn't. You feel empowered around him, and feel a sort of, "Wow, me and this really cool guy are buddies and equals!" feeling, but it isn't one where you say, "I own this guy and he will do whatever I ask." It's more that he's brought you up to his level where you are able to command his interest, respect, and some measure of investment, rather than him elevating you above him or him denigrating himself beneath you.

Think of it as plucking some girl from the crowd and elevating her status all the way up to be on par with however high you've built yours to be. In the process, you raise your own value as well, by showing you are at the top of the social food chain - the people who do this are the highest value people (the ones acting aloof and snobby are too frightened of losing their social power, marking them as still climbing the ladder, socially speaking).

Chase

Nick's picture

Chase,First I want to say


Chase,
First I want to say great observation, this article answered a question I had a long time ago!

Anyway, I am eighteen and next month I join the air-force. During my four years of duty I am going to pursue a degree(not sure what yet exactly), also Lol you gave advice at one point to someone about learning php and that was what I was deciding on doing and becoming a freelancer while I travel the world after the air-force so it is great to hear that you think that is a great path. Now back to the point, I want to publish a book at some point in my life, so I am going to read Stephen Kings novel on writing, set a minimum amount to write each day. I looked for advice on the internet about how to become a writer, most of it is "stop stalling, start writing", found some cool tidbits though like recording dreams and writing experiences in a journal. What would your advice be on writing and becoming an author? Also

1.) What are pros and cons of doing traditional publishing vs. publishing your own eBook online?

2.) If going the traditional publishing route how do you get noticed? I looked at some blogs and some people got approached by publishers because of their blog.

3.) Does getting a writing degree help get noticed? Any credentials required before a publisher will accept you book, like an MA or a MFA?

4.) Any other great authors you recommend like H.P Lovecraft?

5.) How much do connections play in the publishing business vs having experience or credentials?

6.) How do I apply the law of least effort to becoming a great writer. Ex: I started learning guitar and I learned a technique anchor fingering so I learned and became better at playing chords than a friend who started two months before me.

7.) I know that having like-minded people with similar goals helps out, so where aspiring writers congregate besides libraries?

8.) What is a useful bachelors degree, I am going to be a freelancer so I am not sure which one would help me all that much?

9.) I am reading about rules certain authors have and quite a few of them say type on a computer that is disconnected from the internet or to limit how many websites you look up, one said that it is doubful that anyone with internet connection at his workplace can write good fiction, any reason for this peculiar rule?

10.) I can't find an answer to this from a quick goggle search but when I typed airforce it spell checks to air force or air-force.What is the - used for?

Any other advice you would like to add please feel free. Also thanks for clarifying my last question, relationships are a whole other level than pickup.

Thanks,
Nick

Chase Amante's picture

Writing

Author

Nick-

I just read a wonderful excerpt from the book Art and Fear that went like this:

The ceramics teacher announced on opening day that he was dividing the class into two groups.

All those on the left side of the studio, he said, would be graded solely on the quantity of work they produced, all those on the right solely on its quality.

His procedure was simple: on the final day of class he would bring in his bathroom scales and weigh the work of the “quantity” group: 50 pounds of pots rated an “A”, 40 pounds a “B”, and so on.

Those being graded on “quality”, however, needed to produce only one pot — albeit a perfect one — to get an “A”.

Well, came grading time and a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity.

It seems that while the “quantity” group was busily churning out piles of work-and learning from their mistakes — the “quality” group had sat theorizing about perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay.

You can take this approach to writing, or even to PHP / developing, as this girl is doing here: I’m learning to code by building 180 websites in 180 days. Today is day 115.

For publishing, as I have only limited experience in this area so far I'll refer you to someone more knowledgable: Self-Publishing vs. Traditional Publishing: An Author Guide. From what I've heard about connections, getting an introduction is a big help, although, again, of course, you succeed much on the merits of your work; an introduction without great writing won't get you far. Credentials help - if you're famous and/or already a successful published writer, you'll have a much easier time landing an agent and a publish deal than someone without those credentials yet. Other credentials (degrees, work, etc.) don't matter so much.

Some people do get noticed via their blogs - I have friends who've been approach by literary agents who'd read their blog content and liked it. Otherwise, you can submit a manuscript to literary agents using one of the many agent directories on the Internet.

I wouldn't take a writing degree to "get noticed"; I've never heard of anyone caring about your degree when it comes to writing - they just care about your writing. I don't know enough about degrees in literature to recommend whether that's helpful or not, but there are certainly writers who have them and writers who don't, and degree-holders who are writers and degree-holders who are not. Anything in business or engineering is likely to be useful to you after school. Don't get a programming degree; you can teach programming to yourself.

Writers don't really congregate - writing is a very solitary profession. Writers more squirrel themselves away in isolation than congregate. Your best bet for finding other writers is at a quiet café during the daytime, though if you're going to introduce yourself, don't do so when they're in the middle of writing.

As far as writing fiction with Internet - the Internet's a distraction, and most people can't unplug from it long enough to immerse themselves in the sometimes difficult process of writing. On "airforce" => "air-force," spellchecks will auto-correct words combined into one word that are not one word by separating them with dashes. However, the correct spelling is "air force." And on giving your writing the appearance of efforltessness... be smooth, make it easy for the reader to follow you, easy for him to be immersed, and make it clear you know exactly where you're going and exactly where you're taking him, and are not wasting his time with fluff or drivel.

Chase

V's picture

People bringing up bad things that happened in the past


Chase thanks for all the advice, quick question tho, how do you beat up people and not go to jail? Im talking about defending myself and shutting people up with big mouths and not dealing with 5-0 in no way shape or form.

People bring bad things that happened to me in my past and it makes me very angry and what to beat the shit out of somebody.

Example a girl talks about how she rejected you, how do you handle that and make her look like a fool without preselection? I mean its on the spot when she says this in front of people, whats a good comeback for that?

I know your second article will be about not letting others negative emotions affect you, but how do you not let people trying to bring you down effect you?

Like if I get in an argument with somebody or they call me a name? How do I not get so angry over it? It really messes up my day and I don't want to pick up because im angry as hell.

Thank you!!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Disrespectful People

Author

V-

You won't go to jail (usually) if the fight is broken up before the cops arrive and no one's seriously injured; if the police show up in that case, you'll either get a warning (no penalty) or a citation (misdemeanor goes on your record, you have to pay a few hundred bucks to the court). You can challenge this, but it's usually not worth it, and the court doesn't care unless you have really solid evidence that you were just defending yourself. If it's clearly self-defense, you won't get charged with anything, unless you go too far; e.g., a guy punches you and you shoot him and try to say it's self-defense, unless the guy is huge and you can show he was really trying to kill you, you probably go to prison.

That said, it's almost always a waste of time fighting. You get hurt, injured, or killed, possibly cited and paying money, possibly locked up if you really do some damage or can't pay - where you do a lot more fighting / probably have to deal with prison rape, and getting labeled a "punk," which just draws more rapists to you, and that happens lots in the county jail too, not just hardcore prisons. I've been punched in the face a few times the past few years, weighed my options, and ended up walking away. They were guys I was never going to see again... I figured whatever, they can go home and shag their fat ugly girlfriends in their run-down apartments and say to themselves, "Ha! I punched that pussy in the face and he did NOTHING!" and I'll just go sleep with pretty girls and stay on tropical islands and buy whatever I want. Pretty sure I still win overall. There are sometimes it's worth fighting, but other times, man... if a cow walked up and butted you in the behind, would you fight the cow? A lot of these people are like big dumb cows. All the do is eat grass all day, and head butt you if you get too close just because their lives are crap and they've got nothing better to do. Just don't get too close and let them eat their damn grass.

A girl talking about how she's rejected you is desperately social ladder climbing. All I'd do there is yawn, very emphatically. Stretch my mouth REAL wide... stretch my arms out like I'm about to go to sleep. Blink a few times as if I'm having trouble staying awake. Then just sit there and look completely at peace. Let the conversation move on if it moves on; don't address it unless someone SPECIFICALLY address YOU. If someone asks you about it: "She reject you man?" or, "Oh damn, V got REJECTED!" just play it off: "I don't really remember that, but maybe. I was pretty drunk that night. I mean, you kinda HAVE to be pretty drunk to hit on Estelle for some sloppy drunk love, right?" then laugh about it and change topics.

Also, see this article: it's all about not letting people sully your name: Granting Social Status; and, Not Getting Thrown Under the Bus.

Chase

Wolf's picture

Being blatant with younger girls and killer game


Hey chase when you say yo be blatant and obvious with younger girls do you mean tell them you want them sexually? And when you say act like an asshole.. how do you do that? How do you act like an asshole?

Can you please explain killer game and weak game?
I thought game us pretty much deep diving. If you just ask questions about her past, how can it either be killer game or bad game?

Good looks chase

Chase Amante's picture

Younger Girls

Author

Wolf-

By "being blatant," I just mean less subtlety - more emphatic ordering around, "Come on, let's go sit down," "Here, get closer to me," "Give me your hand, I want to see something," a bit more teasing of her when she says silly things (but then switching right back to connecting so she doesn't auto-reject), harder and less subtle chase framing / sexual framing. You do NOT tell them you want them sexually, unless they perceive you as lower value. Otherwise, you look weak (i.e., they think you're strong and sexy, and then suddenly you say you want sex? A strong sexy guy doesn't have to say it... he just gets it).

"Killer game", "weak game"... that's just having your stuff down tight or not.

Basically, if you're doing the stuff on this website, you'll have killer game.

If you're not, you might be a natural with women, or you might have worked hard at getting good with women, but otherwise... good chance you've got weak game ;)

Chase

Jackson Shrift's picture

Mimetic desire


Chase,

You may want to check out a theory that dovetails very closely with what you are describing as emotional contagion and the phenomenon of psychic vampires. The theory is called mimetic desire, and was formulated by French Catholic anthropologist/philosopher René Girard over a series of works. Here is an indicative quote:

"When modern theorists envisage man as a being who knows what he wants, or who at least possesses an ‘unconscious’ that knows for him, they may simply have failed to perceive the domain in which human uncertainty is most extreme. Once his basic needs are satisfied (indeed, sometimes even before), man is subject to intense desires, though he may not know precisely for what. The reason is that he desires being something he himself lacks and which some other person seems to possess. The subject thus looks to that other person to inform him of what he should desire in order to acquire that being. If the model, who is apparently already endowed with superior being, desires some object, that object must surely be capable of conferring an even greater plenitude of being."

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Mimetic desire

Author

Jackson-

That's fascinating; I'd never heard of this before. Reading about it right now... it's more a comprehensive social theory than an imitation mechanism like emotional contagion is (mimetic desire is explained as an innate human need to imitate others, which then ends up with everybody wanting the same thing, which of course not everybody can have, which then drives everybody to one another's throats, until a scapegoat is named and sacrificed, reuniting the group again).

Anyway, really interesting stuff - thanks for pointing it my way.

Chase

Jeff's picture

Hi Chase, I have a question


Hi Chase,

I have a question for you. If a women tells you that she is in a relationship/married, and she is giving you strong signs that she wants a one night stand. Will you do it?

Situation like this happens to me quiet often, I would just like to hear whats your stance on this.

Thanks

Chase Amante's picture

Attached Women

Author

Jeff-

Already got you covered - I outline most of my thoughts on attached women (when to move forward and when not to) here: Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do and 7 Things NOT to.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Interest/boyfriend candidate


Hey Chase,

I would be very grateful if you could help me with the following problems that I have been encountering.

1) I find it difficult to know when to start moving things forward. You always say strike while the iron is hot but does this mean try to start moving her once you can tell she's attracted to you? Thing is, my fundamentals have always been very good and most girls do find me attractive from the off. Do I try and start moving things very quickly as I have good fundamentals or is attraction only a way of getting your foot in the door. I guess thinking about it attraction is just one part of seduction and without building comfort it won't get her in bed by itself? Could you just clarify how attraction works and if it's ever enough by itself to bed a girl. I always have trouble knowing when exactly to start pushing

2) Often when I disqualify myself as a boyfriend I have this feeling that the girl always thinks something along the lines of 'oh god look at him trying to play hard to get'. it's like they never take me seriously and actually often they start trying to pump up there value to try and change my mind :S. How serious do you want to be whilst disqualifying yourself as a bf? Do you want to leave her with a little hope in her mind that maybe one day it might be possible to go out with this guy, or do you want her thinking there is definitely NO chance of anything serious ever happening?

I usually disqualify myself after asking if she is single and then saying something like don't worry im not gonna ask you to be my girlfriend or anything I'm way to busy or all that atm, I was just curious. Is disqualifying yourself once in an interaction enough? Or do you need to keep reminding her that your not looking for anything serious?

Thanks

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Interest/boyfriend candidate

Author

Anon-

You should get a feeling in your gut like, "Okay... I'm supposed to do something now," or else feel like it's starting to get a little awkward right when it's time to move things forward once you have enough experience meeting new women. If you don't have it yet, you need to focus on meeting lots more girls; this little gut feeling is the bed indicator you get. However, having set time limits in your head for what the maximum amount of time you allow yourself to let pass before you do anything is very helpful too, especially when you're not confident enough to listen to that little voice or it isn't telling you the right things.

That is, say, get locked in within 30 seconds of talking to her max; move her within 10 minutes of talking to her max, or grab her phone number and leave within 10 minutes of talking to her max if you aren't going to try to pull her home that day or night. Invite her to change venues or back to your place within 30 or 40 minutes of sitting and talking to her maximum in any one place when you first meet, or within 2 hours of sitting and talking to her on a date.

When you ask her if she's single, don't say anything at all about your relationship status unless she asks. When you're telling her, "Don't worry, I'm [whatever]," it sounds like you're trying to reassure her you're not going to hit on her and are doing the nice guy fly-under-the-radar thing, rather than that you're setting yourself up as an unavailable bad boy.

Don't address your relationship status until she asks.

Chase

340Breeze's picture

Excellent Insight


I've recognized these things at a semi-conscious level before, but I've never put concrete words to them. I've noticed that I pick up on many of these social concepts that I "know" about, but I can't teach to anyone else... they just exist as blobs within my mind as understandings without words. I need to work on that.

Anyways, I've noticed I've felt supremely confident around some women, and others I've felt on edge with. The reason is that the emotions some women convey to me are those of empowerment... like clearly she appreciates me for me and she says without saying that she wants me to be bold and sexy and debonair, and move things fwd with her now! Other women were standoffish and aloof and seemingly resistant to my charms and they didn't quite inspire the same emotions inside of me. But at the end of the day like you've said it's all about pushing for results and not worrying too much about reactions.

And I've since learned that even the cold women can be warmed up if you have enough internal strength, patience, and understanding... give them time to respond to your emotions (empowerment, understanding, charm, etc) and many of them do. And when they finally warm up, just follow the process with them like any other woman.

Cheers,

340Breeze.

Chase Amante's picture

Women Empowering Confidence

Author

Breeze-

That's a very good observation on women empowering your confidence / you to approach with the right subtle signals, and women disempowering you from doing so by keeping an aloof air about themselves. You do feel instantly much more related to the women who are extending you obviously warm invitations.

Chase

x2shotty's picture

Trouble Emoting


Hey Chase,

Lately, I have really had my confidence up. I don't get nervous around girls; I take the lead; I play hard to get, but sometimes in the last 5% I get hit with a weird curveball. After reading this article, I am wondering if I am not emoting correctly. For example, I went on a date with this girl tonight. We walked in the park, stopped off at a local bar and then went back to my place. When she got back to my place and I made a move, she was baffled. She thought we were only hanging out as friends. She knows about my background as a dancer, and this company I started in the dance community and thought I was cool and wanted to get to know me. Is this even possible? I mean the chick is like 38; she says she doesn't get asked out often, and did not pick up on the fact that our "Date" was more than platonic. For lack of better words, is she full of shit? Or, did I just not make her feel the correct emotions? I guess what I want to know is- was she interested in me and then I screwed up somewhere, or am I an idiot for not picking up a platonic vibe in the first place? Also, if the answer is the latter, is it possible to turn that situation around by using this emoting and empowering? In other words, could I have turned this platonic encounter into a physical one?

Thanks a bunch Chase!

X

x2shotty's picture

Sorry for the double post


My network is acting flakey.

Chase Amante's picture

Sexual Vibe

Author

X-

Pretty much all women know by their mid-20s that if a guy is taking them home, he wants to make something happen. However, there are LOTS of men who will take women home and then NOT do anything, simply because they're too scared to. If she wasn't getting any kind of sexual vibe, interest, or intent from you, she may have assumed you were going to be like this, and she could have you as a friend and reap the benefits of having you in her life without having to have sex with you, which - since she wasn't sexually excited - she didn't want to do.

You'll run into this before you have much of a sexual vibe going; however, it's very correctible with a little bit of work (it's frequently worth being the #1 thing you work on when you get to the point where you're doing technically well with women but they aren't acting sexually aroused with you). Some articles to get you pointed in the right direction:

On vibe, tension, and expectations-

On sexual framing and humor-

And some on nonverbals-

Chase

x2shotty's picture

Thanks


Thanks a bunch, Chase! I love that you keep it real; it's always nice to have an objective opinion!

Knight's picture

Feelings


Hey Chase, hope your week has been great! I remembered this article tonight while at work and it helped along with other advice I have learnt towards women's feelings. A great female friend of mine who is usually a great motivator for me was down today - something I haven't seen since we were in year 9 - and it really through me off. I didn't want to associate myself with her negative feelings which will clear off by the time I see her next but I still felt the need to try and cheer her up somewhat. I made sure not to make any comments which could be interpreted as negative around her and tried to focus her on good though but I know how we try our best to stay in states of emotion. One day could you perhaps show us all how to shift emotions? Of course if you have already written or talked about this I'd love to see it. I do my best to stay away from downers these days but I realise that some important people in my life are going to feel a bit down some times. It would be great to get them up on par with our happiness again!

Knight

Chase Amante's picture

Motivating / Uplifting

Author

Knight-

No fun when people you like are feeling down, yeah. I can do an article on lifting spirits, sure - it's a valuable skill to have (so long as you're not using it on the wrong people - the perpetual downers / psychic vampires!).

Chase

Stefanos's picture

Hey chase, I was wondering


Hey chase,

I was wondering if you could write an article on empowering people in general. Basically an article which would tie in all the aspects of being a good conversationalist/deep diving, being warm, having high value, and inspiring people to reach their dreams. An article where you explain how to show genuine interest and that you accept someone for who they are. How would you use this with all kinds of people to build faster and stronger connections? How would you do all this without coming off as a tryhard? How do you switch over from being a social ladder climber to being a person who gives value instead? And finally how would you build somone up and make them feel powerful and free to do what they want?

I know its a tall order but i would REALLY appreciate it if you could help me out with this

Stefanos

Mingkeng's picture

Wonderful article


Hi Chase,
this is an wonderful article that you wrote. Just Great,man.
I have a question-
How do i approach women walking far ahead in front of me?Should I shout or run or do what....?

Anonymous's picture

Im New


I just stumbled upon your sight and this was a great article with great links to other articles explaining things in this one. My question to you is where exactly should I start to build my foundations I guess.

Anonymous's picture

Great article


Hey man, this article was kind of what I've been searching for, for a while now. I'm just not clear what the empower and emote thing to do is however. How do you let someone assume they have power and then take it from them? Could you give some specific examples, tips? Thanks

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