How to Be Decisive


There it is: the Big Decision.

how to be decisive

On the one hand, you've got Road #1. And it is a tempting choice. It seems like a great path to go down... maybe everything you want.

Except you're not 100% sure it'll work out.

And if it doesn't, you'll have lost all that time going down it.

Then, on the other hand, you've got Road #2. It's the safer path by far... but maybe - could it be - too safe?

If you pick Road #2, you'll probably be okay, but you might miss out on the amazingly potential upside of Road #1.

Alternately, pick Road #1 and you risk having it not lead anywhere, and then you won't end up enjoying the benefits of Road #1 OR Road #2.

So, you hem and haw, delay and stall, sending your mind into overdrive trying to figure out which choice is the right choice to make.

Only, your mind can't figure this out. There's no new information coming in.

Nothing else to tip the scales in your head to help you to decide, or force you to.

In the end, you sit there, no closer to a decision than you were when first presented with those two choices, despite endless wheel spinning, mental gears clogged with mud and grass, unable to spin any further, you unable to decide.

This article is designed to help you never have to worry about this ugly (and far too common) scenario again; it the complete manual on how to be decisive, and it's how I took myself from someone who kept ending up in these scenarios to someone who never does anymore.


how to be decisive

I remember walking with a group of friends a while back, wrapping up a night after having just had dinner. "Shall we take the metro, or take a cab?" I asked everyone. "We're not certain of getting a cab, but if we can hail one it'll be a lot faster and we'll have a lot less walking to do. Or, if we ride the metro, there'll be a lot more walking, but we won't be standing around wondering if we're going to be able to flag down a cab or not."

They stood there, befuddled. One of them was an out-of-towner like me, but everybody else was from town. I figured they'd have a good idea about how they wanted to get home, but none of them did.

"Well..." started one, "we could take the taxi, I guess. But will we have to wait a long time? I guess it's hard to find a cab right now."

"Maybe we should take the metro?" said another.

They stood around and stared quizzically at each other.

"I'm just going to try and find a taxi," I said, impatient with their indecision.

"I think maybe we should do the metro?" said one of the girls. "What if we can't find a taxi?" Everyone stood around looking at me, perplexed.

"Yeah, definitely, feel free to do the metro if you like; I'm going to go take a taxi because I don't want to walk all the way to the subway station," I said, and then I started walking to where the taxis were most likely to see me. Everyone else followed.

But they never decided. They were still debating whether to keep following me to see if we could land a taxi or whether they should turn around and walk back the other way toward the metro, right up until I hailed a taxi and we all piled in.

Not exactly a major life decision here or anything, but nobody else could decide.


The Demon Indecision

I'm convinced you lose more good opportunities to indecision, and the inaction that subsequently follows, than anything else in life.

Indecision is the twisted funhouse mirror that fear hides its ugly visage behind. It is man's defense against the great unknown... instead of taking a leap into uncertainty, simply stay put, frozen in in the middle between two irreconcilable choices.

No one chooses to be indecisive... that would, after all, be making a decision, albeit a decision not to make decisions.

Instead, indecision is the place you end up when your mind has stalled out, unable to accurately gauge, based on your previous reference points and experiences and what you know about these two (or more) choices, which way is the right way to go.

how to be decisive

Saying "I can't decide" can feel safe... now instead of doing something, and potentially taking a risk, you can do NOTHING.

So nothing changes.

But if you aren't satisfied with your life as-is - if you want new friends, new lovers, new skills, new resources - you won't get those hemming and hawing.

And if you want to be seen as a leader - as someone respected and revered - that won't happen when you're unable to make a decision.


Why You Can't Make Up Your Mind

The scientific paper "Indecisiveness and Culture: Incidence, Values, and Thoroughness" published in Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology had this to say about indecision:

Three studies examined cultural variations in indecisiveness among Chinese, Japanese, and Americans. In Study 1, validated self-report, comprehensive measures of indecisiveness indicated large cultural differences, with Japanese participants exhibiting substantially more indecisiveness than Chinese or Americans. Study 2 provided evidence that such cultural variations correspond to variations in people’s positive versus negative values for decisive behaviors, suggesting that such values are plausibly an important means for motivating and sustaining cultural differences in indecisiveness. Study 3 provided direct behavioral instances of the differences in indecisiveness implicated in Studies 1 and 2. It also suggested that thoroughness might be an important cognitive mechanism whereby cultural differences in indecision actually occur, with thoroughness being especially prominent among Japanese decision makers. Suggestions for theory concerning the nature and foundations of indecisiveness and its cultural variations are developed and discussed, along with plausible implications for real-life practical issues, for example, in politics and management.

That is to say, looking at Chinese, Japanese, and American decision makers, and finding that Japanese decision makers had a markedly more difficult time arriving at a decision than did their Chinese and American counterparts, the researchers posited that differences in indecision resulted from Japanese decision makers being:

  • More fearful of arriving at an incorrect decision than excited about arriving at a correct one, and

  • More concerned with arriving at THE correct, thoroughly selected decision

The people with the hardest time making a decision are the ones who most want to be right, and most fear being wrong.

Could it be your desire to be right is holding you back?


how to be decisive

In "How to Overcome Depression" I talked about the psychological overhaul I gave myself back in college when I realized a lot of how I used my brain was limiting me. I did things like:

  • Start censoring negative emotional thoughts from my head
  • Start forcing my brain to think about projects I was working on and enjoyed
  • Remove negative people from my life who were having a bad influence
  • Forbid myself from engaging in victim mentality
  • Set goals for myself and force myself to start doing them

Another one of the things I did was realize that I was spending too much time being indecisive, and that this led to my life being rather stagnant.

So, I decided to do something here, too: I decided to start mixing it up a bit more.


The Foolish and the Bold

The archetype of the "hero" in movies, comics, and stories of all kinds is often of a man who bullishly - and sometimes foolishly - rushes into taking action to save the day.

Sometimes this leads to problems for him, because he makes the wrong decision, and people get hurt. He's forced to go through strife and difficulty dealing with the fallout, and eventually comes out of it on the other side with better-informed decision-making, and is able to still rush in with brash decisions, but they are now decisions drawn from a richer pool of experiences, and tend to be shrewder moves.

On the converse, you have the indecisive guy - this is a fellow you see infrequently in fiction, but far more so in real life.

This guy never does anything.

As such, he does not make the bold, foolish hero's mistakes... and he also does not receive the bold, foolish hero's lessons.

He avoids looking foolish by making bad choices.

But he also never learns how to make good choices, either, because he doesn't get the opportunity to learn from failure.

So, he ends up looking like the "guy who plays it safe", because he IS the "guy who plays it safe" - he never does anything crazy, wild, risqué, or interesting.

And he's never going to break that mold by continuing to play it safe.

The only way he breaks out of the "guy who plays it safe" mode of leading an unrewarding, unsatisfactory life is by adopting the principles of the foolish and the bold.


How to Be Decisive... When You Can't Decide

The hardest decisions to make are the frequently ones you encounter when you're still new to making fast, decisive decisions.

The reason for that is because when you haven't yet learned how to be decisive and haven't yet pressed yourself to decide, you don't have the experiences to educate you in consistently making correct decisions yet.

You also don't have any "default decisions" in place yet - and these are a key part of being decisive.

"Default decision?" you might ask. "What's that?"

A default decision is how you decide when you can't decide.

It's your decision making contingency plan. e.g.:

  • What do you do if one of your friends wants you to come have dinner with him at your favorite restaurant, while another of your friends wants you to go see that new movie you really wanted to see on the same day and at the same time as that first friend? How do you choose if you want to do both equally?

  • What do you do if you're getting a seemingly good offer on something, but you're not completely sure, yet you're being told it's a "now or never" kind of deal - if you don't take it now, you'll never get another chance to?

  • What do you do if you have a major life decision coming up - where to move to, what kind of career to pursue, whether to quit your job or not, whether to go to college or not, whether to marry a girl or break up with her, something along those lines? How do you decide?

These are the kinds of scenarios in which most people get stuck.

And they always get stuck because of one of two reasons:

  1. They want both (or all) options relatively equally, or

  2. They don't have enough information to know which option to select

Therefore, what we really need are some logjam-busters... a chain to latch onto your car and yank you out of the mud.

We need some default decisions.


Default Decisions

Before you can use these to be decisive, the first thing you must be is angry at being indecisive.

You've got to be legitimately annoyed at yourself when you're unable to decide and/or unable to take the lead.

If this isn't something that bothers you, you're not going to care about changing it, or want to change it. So, first thing's first: be able to realize when you're stuck making a decision, and be ANGRY about it.

This gives you the impetus you need to force a decision on yourself.

how to be decisive

What kind of decision you force on yourself, of course, is going to depend on what you feel like your options are for deciding - and for that, I recommend a good stable of default decisions to fall back on in various scenarios.

Here are mine:

  1. Pick the scarcer option. If it's something relatively minor - say, going to your favorite restaurant, or going to see that movie that's out right now - sometimes you can pick by selecting the option that's scarcer. For instance, the movie's only going to be playing for a limited time, and maybe you won't have another chance to go see it, or maybe nobody else will want to go and you don't feel like going alone. The restaurant's not going anywhere. So you pick the movie, knowing you can go to the restaurant another day.

  2. Pick the option that's less immediate work. The taxi-metro story from the start of the article jammed my friends' decision making because both options contained potentially large amounts of possible work: you might have to do a lot of walking and standing and waiting to use the metro, but the taxi would be fast and you could sit. Or, you might try to find a taxi, but be unsuccessful, in which case you'd still have to take the metro and do all the work there, but with the added work of having had to walk around and try to find a taxi and backtrack and go to the metro instead if unsuccessful. I was able to decide because I just said to myself, "What's less work right now if it works?" and the answer was "taxi," so I went for the taxi, knowing that I didn't have a way of knowing if it would work or not, so the point was moot.

  3. Pick the more educational option. Ever find yourself torn on what to order at a restaurant, between an old favorite of yours and that new dish that might be good... or might not be? When you can't decide and don't have a clear preference, it's best to say, "Okay then, I'll try the new one to get more information on what that tastes like and how good or not it is so that next time I'll have an easier decision making process."

  4. Pick the less harmful option. You can make $100 working for 10 hours, or you can go stick up that guy who just cashed his paycheck and make $100 in a few seconds. While I don't think this is a hard decision for most of the readers on this site, there are other, more complicated decisions - like how to deal with a girl you're seeing whom you want to break up with, but you know she'll be hurt - where this comes into play. Choose the option that causes the least harm to all parties involved.

  5. When not pressured, say "yes." When you have a "yes" or "no" decision to make and you can't decide what to say, assuming no one is pressuring you for a reply, say "yes." You'll enjoy new experiences and discover if you like something or not, and be better able to decide decisively next time.

  6. ... EXCEPT when pressured. Then, say "no." I'm a pretty straightforward person, and because people tend to assume others are like them, people tend to make decisions under the assumption that others are like them. I've had a handful of incidents I can recall in the past where some person (a sales person, a former business partner) was asking me to make a decision right now on something I was very much on the fence on. Because I was in the habit of saying "yes" to all new opportunities, I said "yes" to most of these and ended up losing a great deal of money and getting nothing for my troubles every time.

    I ended up adopting that default decision of, "If someone is pressuring you to decide on something and will not give you time to think, say NO every single time." Your conversation with people like this will look like so:

    Him: I can perform X great service for $2,000, but ONLY if you sign up right now.

    You: I need time to mull it over. Give me a chance to talk to some other folks I know who are educated in this and do a little research on my own.

    Him: There's nothing to research! All the information you need is right here. Look - you've got to decide RIGHT NOW, or never. I can't wait around for you to make up your mind, I'm very busy.

    You: Okay, in that case - no.

    Him: Well, wait - are you sure you want to write this off? You're making a HUGE mistake! It's the deal of a lifetime!

    You: Nope, not interested. Thanks. Bye.

    Then you exit the situation immediately, unless you REALLY want to stick around and strengthen your resistance to someone trying to hit every angle to get you to do what he wants... better be certain you won't say "yes," though, as these people are good at getting "yes"es out of you.

  7. Flip a coin. If all else fails, just choose at random.

Your "indecision decision tree" (how to proceed when you're not immediately sure how to proceed) ends up looking like this, in order of importance:

  1. Am I being pressured for a "yes"? If not, say "yes"; if so, say "no."
  2. Is one of these choices harmful to anyone? Don't choose that one.
  3. Is one of these choices more educational for me? Choose that one.
  4. Is one of these choices rare / scarce / disappearing? Choose that one.
  5. Is one of these choices less immediate work? Choose that one.
  6. Nothing else here applies? Pick randomly to just have a decision.

So, first thing you'll avoid are agreeing to things you're being pressured to agree with. Always say "no" to these, unless you have no other choice (e.g., someone's asking you for your money with a gun to your head... probably say "yes" there, unless you're Batman).

Next, if you have a decision to make and there's potential for other people getting hurt, choose the option that's less harmful.

Then, if you have a decision that's hard to make and one of the options is going to be more educational to you than the other option(s), choose the more educational one.

Finally are scarcity and effort. If pressure is not an issue, neither option is especially harmful to anyone, and neither option is going to give you much of an education advantage over the other, then just choose whichever one is likely to be harder to come by, and if both are the same in that regard, do whichever is easier.

And if you're not being pressured, there's no potential harm, no potential education, no difference in availability, and everything's roughly the same amount of work, then just choose randomly. It doesn't matter which one you select; if it did, you'd already have arrived at a decision.


How Much You Actually Need to Remember

You don't need to memorize that "indecision decision tree" to know how to be decisive in one situation or another. Having a good idea about what questions to ask in what scenarios is probably enough.

When I realize I'm stuck in deciding on something, the first thing I'll usually ask myself is, "Which of these options is more educational, or which is harder to come by?" That's because I'm not usually being pressured for a decision, and the things I'm deciding on rarely involve possible harm coming to other people.

If I can't make up my mind still, I choose whichever's easier (or closer, if I'm traveling somewhere).

And if I still can't make up my mind... I'll play some sort of randomness game, like taking the letters "I" and "F" for an Italian and a French restaurant and saying, "I, F, I, F, I, F, I, F, I, F, I..." faster and faster until I trip up, and go with whichever restaurant I said the initial for last before I stumbled over the letters.

The only exception to this are "big" questions, like where to work, where to live, where to travel to, etc. For these, it's best to do as much research on them as you can to give your brain enough information to make an informed decision on.

Yet... if you've stocked your cerebrum with facts and you still can't decide... if the choices are too hard to pick from... and you can't decide which is more educational, or rarer, or easier...

... then just play the role of bold, foolish hero - and pick one and charge ahead.

The only way you learn how to decide better in the future is by deciding right now and finding out later if you decided right or not.

Chase Amante

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

What did I do wrong?


Hey Chase,

There is a girl in the grade lower than me, and I know I will never see her in person again because I'm moving onto college. I messaged her this on Facebook, simply because I didn't have her number, I said this:

"Hey Michelle, you might not remember me but I saw you in the office last week, I think it was because of work experience? Anyways, I just wanted to let you know your the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, do you fancy grabbing a bite sometime and see if we enjoy each others company?"

Did I say it right? Bear in mind that we have never spoken before... She replied with a message saying that she's in a complicated situation with another man. I replied with "I understand, let me know when we are able to meet up :)".

For some reason I believe I didn't do this right, can you show me areas for improvements or tips?

Thanks

Anonymous's picture

Move on. You should always


Move on. You should always speak to her in person first before sending her any messages. Now you are just coming off as creepy.

And her response is just a nice way to tell you no.

Anonymous's picture

Move on. If you couldn't


Move on. If you couldn't spare to socialize and pick up this girl in person with the techniques of body language and "How to be a sexy man" day game.. the chances of her seeing you as a man she'll want to be with will much more difficult through a scarce and potentially unproductive message over email, etc. The decision you have to make is, approach her in person or spare her and start picking up much more women to find out who is truly your dream girl. - anony

Nick's picture

Hey Chase,Been reading your


Hey Chase,
Been reading your relationship articles lately and am befuddled, it seems that their are so many different strategies for getting respect and how to deal with drama,arguments etc. and I just end up getting confused.

Alright so in pickup it is best to remain nonreactive to angry women because it shows that you are a strong man and not a weak one, this statement in the How to deal with Angry Women article confirms that

" a man who becomes angry as a result of a woman being angry at him reveals himself to be reactive to her moods and attacks – and therefore weak.

Strong men are unaffected by women’s emotional flare ups. They feel compassion for women, and they realize the angry woman is tormented, and they want to help her feel better, and know the right way to do so"

kind of the same thing at least in my mind in the article Women and Drama for relationships

"Basically, anything you do other than maintain your Zen when a woman is espousing drama will cause more drama for you"

but as the article states you can use righteous anger if you can understand exactly what she is angry at, but that is responding to her anger and not being zen and it also conflicts with the other articles statements so that is one thing I am confused on.

Some drama from women can be caused by a woman simply being horny, so how would a person deal with this one because in the drama article it says

"She gets upset, you take her to bed? She's now learned that any time she starts feeling horny, she should cause drama and you'll give her intimacy. Suddenly, you've got a lot more drama on your hands."

you cant take her to bed or else you reward that behavior as stated in the article on Oparent Conditioning, so I am confused how exactly you deal with a horny women in a relationship when you cant even take her to bed.

On Handling womens accusations this is stated

"Occasionally, getting defensive can give a woman what she wants, if what she really wants is an emotional reaction out of you. Particularly if you are adept at handling accusations, occasionally a woman will just want to know that she can get to you, and will press you and get nasty just to see you react, to know that she can affect you. Knowing that she can get to you emotionally is very reassuring to women who normally see you as very strong, unwavering, and in-control. It lets them feel more secure.

Even then, even if a woman is satisfied getting a rise out of you, by getting defensive you sacrifice long-term peace for short-term alleviation of symptoms. Knowing that she has buttons she can push that will throw you off balance emotionally makes a woman feel more secure in the relationship, but at the cost of some of her respect for you."

the last and best way to deal with accusations is to understand her and make her understand you in that article. You have a post on the boards for dealing with women's accusations,

"Much of the time when someone blames you for something or accuses you of something, there's a kernel of truth involved, but also a lot of bad emotion. It's easy if you're a logical person to get caught up in examining the kernel of truth, then get steamrolled with the emotion.

My response has thus become:

1. Vehemently blame them back

2. Stick to my guns and tear apart their argument

3. Once they back down, admit that they have a point and get into an unemotional, logical discussion where I let them talk with me about something I was doing wrong, and I talk to them about how to better discuss emotional issues without falling into the pattern of blaming and accusing, which puts me (and anyone else they try it on) onto the defensive"

In those steps you do exactly what they are doing to you, but isn't that being reactive to them, in the accusation article it says getting defensive is the second worst thing to do, in one of your steps on the post though,
"which puts me (and anyone else they try it on) onto the defensive"
you state that her behavior causes you to be defensive and that she should not do it, but in the pickup articles and relationship articles it states that being defensive is what makes her lose respect to you cause she can get an emotional reaction out of you.

Also there is this post in the forums "Guys always wrong" and this statement

"My preference for long-term relationships these days is "Win the argument."
Not just logically, but emotionally. You need to use the same tactics against her that she uses on you... it's the only way to win these.
She uses moral indignation? So do you... but MORE of it.
She uses the silent treatment? So do you... but even MORE.
Basically, you just take her position, and throw it right back at her with a stronger helping of it."

Which kind of reinforces the points made in responding to moral superiority, but it states that you take her position, that seems reactive and defensive to me, what if she starts name calling should I take her position. She calls me a dick and then I call her a fucking cunt, isn't that getting defensive? To me it seems to conflict with a lot of stuff I picked up in the pickup articles and the drama articles, I'm a really confused and in need for clarity.

Thanks,
Nick

Chase Amante's picture

Staying Cool vs. Getting Angry in Relationships

Author

Nick-

The general rule is that you want to remain calm and unreactive when a woman is being dramatic. HOWEVER, when you're in a long-term / serious relationship with her, if she starts being overly dramatic it is better to get angry back, until you can calm things down.

You DON'T want to get angry, EVER, with a girl you are casual with or not yet serious with. Otherwise, you are reacting too strongly to a woman who is not supposed to have much emotional hold on you.

However, with a woman you've clearly let into your life as a girlfriend or more than that, you've given her a lot of emotional power over you by elevating her to such an important role in her life, and it's critical that she understands that there are limits to how she can behave around you and that there are certain things she is not allowed to do. Just as she would get angry at you if you pushed her limits, you must get angry at her for pushing yours. Otherwise, she will view you as a weak man who lets her do what she likes.

A woman causing too much trouble in a casual relationship gets kicked out or dumped. A woman causing too much trouble in a serious relationship gets scolded and told to knock off the bullshit… and then if she still can't, gets kicked out or dumped.

With horny women causing drama, you have to resolve the drama first. Sometimes this means get angry at her / fighting with her. Once things calm down, you let her know that because the two of you fought, you will not have sex tonight… you can have sex tomorrow morning if you both still want to then, or the next time you see each other, but just not tonight.

It's fine to be reactive if you WIN. If someone comes up to you at a bar and punches you in the face, then you stand up and punch him in the face harder and knock him out, then sit back down at the bar and continue sipping your drink, you reacted, yes, but you also won, and come across a lot more powerful for it than had you just sat there and let him use your face as a punching bag with no response.

It's fine to be reactive. Just make sure you win when you are, and don't react in situations where you aren't supposed to be emotionally involved (e.g., casual relationships, one night stands, etc.).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

making the choice


Hi. Thanks for the nice post chase.

However, got a non-relatable question.
I was at a party and this one particular girl was really in to me.
Then other girls started to like me but that one girl was chasing after me so hard.
I just needed to decide. That one girl or a few other group of girls who weren't chasing after me but seem like interested. I chose the easiest option. I went with that girl home and we had sex.
But my primarly goal was to get dates and getting to know as much girls as possible.

Now my question.
You probably have been in such situations like a girl is chasing you very hard but you know you possibly could get better girls that night cause they all seem quite interested and maybe you could get other dates or numbers but with that one girl you can go straight into bed with. But you know you'll be sticked on it and you also know this would be the end of the night.
Which decision would you make ?

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, I absolutely love


Hi Chase,

I absolutely love your philosophy of meeting women. But this article just shows you are a so much more than a master seducer, but a true life coach as well.

All the best,

Anon

Anonymous's picture

Being friendzoned so i want to get out of it


Dear Chase, I've been reading your articles so much and its helping me a lot but i need little more help. Here's my story in short.

She only used to be my friend but from few months ago, i'm in love with this girl. The more i know about her, the more i love her. She's single. She's like everything to me. But problem is, she only thinks of me as a friend. I gave her few hints that i love her but her reaction showed she only thinks me as a friend. I am Capricorn and she is a Leo. Yeah there are quite a few differences between us but those are the things that makes us better, i think. I'm liking more of her kinda stuffs and she's also liking and asking about my kinda stuffs(soccer, rock music). We don't meet much but we chat a lot on fb and text a lot too. We go jogging every morning with another friend and i think she finds him more interesting than me. She doesn't talk much about our secret stuffs we chat when others are around and she kinda shares everything with me. Now what should i do?? I want to increase my chances with her. I need her to be my life. I know i sound desperate. Here is another thing, her close friend(who's also my friend) sometimes tease us that we are falling for each other. But though she's her close friend, she didn't tell her that we chat a lot, text a lot, she knows so much about me but she doesn't talk about me with her. She once told me her friend told her that we are getting so close we might fall for each other and she said to me that men and women can be friends too.

These days she don't talk to me as much as she used to. We used to text each other all the time. Though, we do text but it's getting less. Now she's texting another friend too. I know i shouldn't be jealous about it because he's only her friend. I want to know if there's any way to increase my chance with her??

I'm not that charming. I'm more like introvert. I have very hard time with conversations. I'm trying my best to be charming guy but i need help. I'm funny sometimes but not enough to make her love me. She has a job and she's only free on saturdays. And i'm doing nothing, just trying to find job so i'm always free. I think she kinda feels she needs to be financially secure and i lack this quality. I'm really trying to be better at this.
HELP ME!!

Anonymous's picture

Looks like she sees you as a


Looks like she sees you as a "best friend" if she shares everything with you. I think chase have already wrote an article on here about how to get out of "friendzone". But simply is to slowly stop being friend with her til you completely cut off contact for a period of time. And when she sees you again in a couple month, you need to show her that you aren't the nice friendly guy anymore instead a sexy edgy guy.

Chase Amante's picture

Friend Zone / Hung Up on Girl

Author

Yes - the friend zone article is here (by Ricardus): How to Get Out of the Friend Zone: A Man's Survival Guide.

I'd also very much recommend this article: Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls.

Chase

TORNADO's picture

Hey chase, really great


Hey chase, really great article. I had to make one of the bigger decisions of my life. There was this girl I had already mentioned who was stringing me along. After almost an year, proposed to her.

She felt awkward maybe and she said she needs time and she would let me know. I think that's a NO in a polite way?

I had given her a hard drive with movies that she wanted, but she returned it few hours after my proposal, that too to my close friend without informing me.

What is your take on this Chase? Is it over surely? Another decision to make... hard one... to Move On...

Chase Amante's picture

Proposal

Author

Tornado-

I take it you're from a more conservative country (India, somewhere in the Arabic world, etc.) where there isn't really dating and it's more or less just people courting for a bit and then asking for marriage?

Anyway, if she's giving you anything other than an enthusiastic, "YES!" to a marriage proposal - and then returning your stuff rather than hanging onto it for dear life and love immediately after - that's a pretty good indication marriage is not something she wants with you.

I'd move on, yeah. Plenty more out there to meet and hit it off with.

Chase

J.B's picture

Im Wondering Why...


Chase, why is is that i always literally attract women that are taken or have husbands in their life. I mean some of these women have b.f and are giving me these seductive looks/glances that tell me they want more than a friendship.I don't mind but i think its more of a hassle chasing and sleeping with these types. Its been like this since i was in high school. And single girls rarely give me this kind of attention. I'm wondering why...

Chase Amante's picture

Attached Women

Author

J.B.-

Attached women tend to be more openly sexual and flirtatious than single women are.

Single women play things more conservatively because they don't know until they get to know you whether they'll want you as a friend, boyfriend candidate, or just a lover. In fact, most of them will continue playing things relatively safe right up until you have intercourse, because until it actually happens, it hasn't yet been written.

Conversely, attached women know exactly what they want out of you, and it ain't a friend or boyfriend. They're often a lot less conflicted about their intentions - and, thus, open with their signals - because of it.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Question


Do girls have a lot of attraction for a guy but they don't want to date him because he acts desperate?

Jeff's picture

yes, your behavior and


yes, your behavior and attitude tells girls what kind of person you are. so get it together

Wes's picture

Hey Chase, I'm trying to


Hey Chase,

I'm trying to force myself to mature right now. I heard from somewhere that if I were to spend time around people who are on a higher social status/level of thinking than I, then I'll inevitably move up to their level.
Currently, I feel like I'm the smarter of my friends and most experienced.
They are awesome friends and all but Im not moving forward with them, I'm staying in place. THEY'RE the ones progressing because of the wisdom I pass to them (a lot being things I learn from this site).
I was wondering if you can make an article on how to make friends on higher levels than yourself.
What would I have to offer to someone who is far above me? Why would they even want to be friends with me and how could I make them value me?
I'm currently looking for friends who have wisdom that I haven't reached yet.

Wes

Chase Amante's picture

High Caliber Friends

Author

Wes-

Sounds like it's time to upgrade your circle, yeah, if you're the most mature person there. Having immature / inexperienced / less intelligent friends has a big (negative) impact on your growth.

There are a few articles up now on making new friends, with a special emphasis on making high caliber friends - check them out:

Chase

Wes's picture

So I just kick my current


So I just kick my current friends to the curb and move on from them? Or is there a way for me to still keep them and have other social circles? One of the reasons I keep them around is because I've:
a) known them through high school or
b) they have a car and can drive me places.
When I make new friends and join new social circles, how do I get them comfortable enough to drive me places whenever I ask. I feel like I'm being rude if I ask or being too dependent on them/ using them JUST for their tranportation.
My city is very spread out and having a car is a big deal for anyone wanting to go to a social event. I have no idea how to let women know that I'm car-less and would need them to "pick me up" if we to even go on a date.
how do I smoothly screen for women with cars?
Down here, the women can be quite liberal but they still hold some conservative views like: men should be picking women up and not the other way around.
They will view me as a loser/bum.

Wes's picture

Also, how do you recommend


Also, how do you recommend finding a place amongst an already formed social circle/ tightly knit "family"? These intimidate me.

Wes

Chase Amante's picture

Integrating with a Tight Knit Group

Author

That's really all about 1) knowing when to jump in, and 2) when to hang back and just let the group do its thing. You'll be hanging back 80% of the time and letting everyone talk and chat and laugh and remind each other of in-jokes from 4 years ago when you're new... just smile and don't try to jump in and act like you know what they're talking about because they know you don't. Just be calm and cool. Eventually they start including you on stuff - again, be cool, be sociable, be friendly, contribute, but don't try to turn it into the Wes Show. View yourself as a student of the group... you're there to look, listen, and learn.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

nomadic game


How can a teen around 18 19 learn game while being nomadic in a conducive way? Any key places to focus on and are hostels good for the mean time I'm their?

Also How do you approach girls during the day in forgein countries?

Chase Amante's picture

Day Game in Foreign Countries

Author

Anon-

Hostels can be good for getting situated in new areas and finding people to roll with right away who often know the good places to go. And you can sometimes sleep with the girls in your hostel too. However, you only meet certain types in hostels - usually the backpacker / hippie crowd.

Daytime in foreign countries is the same as daytime anywhere else - approach in malls, the street, etc. On day game in general:

I normally recommend approaching in English in foreign countries - in my experience, you get more points speaking a foreign language (to her) and having the girl working to speak the same language as you than you trying to speak her language and sounding inelegant and tryhard. Some posts on the site on meeting women while overseas:

Chase

Krim's picture

Thanks!


Not a question or anything.

I just want to say thank you Chase.

I found this site at the start of the year while looking for advice after a break up.

But what I found was a guy that had lived through everything I'd been experiencing the past few years and made it out the other side.
My life had become pretty stagnant, no goals, no determination, reeked of desperation,, cycle after cycle of negative thoughts. I knew I wanted more in life, but some reason I just did nothing about it and rocked the victim mentality from age 21-23. With no clue how I even became like that, didn't even really notice I was being so grim at the time.

I dunno if you believe in The Law of Attraction but for some reason I was meant to find your site and my life and awareness of myself, people and the world has become so amazing because of it.
I dig the Pickup articles but it's the articles you write on life lessons that really dramatically changed my life. Every word in those opened my eyes wider and wider to where I am now so motivated, goal orientated, dominant, full of overflowing happiness and eagerness for life! ..(and as a side effect become soo fucking irresistible to girls now haha but that's just a bonus)

That's all wanna say man,
Thank you, truly.

From a guy who changed his life with the help of your words :)

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Thanks!

Author

Thanks for sharing, Krim - I'm thrilled to have been a part of that transformation. It sounds like you've made some pretty significant strides. Being motivated and goal-oriented is a cool place to be.

Chase

Wolf's picture

Dealing with different ages


Girls are very sneaky Chase, how do you know if a girls underage?

How do you know if you're being set up? Ex: making boyfriend jealous, the girls are trying to rob you but are being nice to fool you

and yes how do you know you're not dealing with a tranny? (Even tho there not girls, This is mostly night club game cuz you never know when you're drunk or in a dark room, some of them look girly but I heard guys say they were dudes)

Also, how do you act towards girls at different ages?
I remember you saying girls act different in age.
I remember you saying if she's young like 18-20 they like to be lead and older girls like to have deep conversations while younger ones don't. I think it would be a good article idea on how to treat girls that are different ages and that are at different points in their lives.

But for now, id like to know what I can do with my age? Im 21 so how would I treat girls that are younger than me, girls that are within my age, and girls older than me?

Also how do you get girls at work there kinda hard for me to pull.

Good looking out chase!

Chase Amante's picture

Ages, Trannies, and Girls at Work

Author

Wolf-

Some interesting questions.

Knowing if she's underage: you've kind of just got to be good at knowing ages. If she looks young, ask her what school she goes to - if she tells you a high school, or goes, "Uh..." and looks taken aback, there's a good chance she's too young.

Girls setting you up act a little weird / a little too flirtatious, and will strongly take the lead. That's the most important signal. If you're saying, "Let's do this," and they're saying, "No, no, no... let's do this OTHER thing. It'll be GREAT!" run in the other direction. They're not interested in you sexually or romantically... they have another agenda.

Trannies - the elbow test is reliable about 95% of the time (take her/his arm, and have her/him fully extend the arm, palm facing up - women's arms bend upward at the elbow, men's stay straight). The exception is men who've broken their arms at the elbow at one point or another - they can hyperextend their elbows just like women can. You can also look at arms / legs - trannies have thicker arms (more muscular), or are anorexic thin, which is gross anyway. They also don't have the hourglass figure of a woman. An Adam's apple can be a dead giveaway, though it's common for transexuals to have these shaved. Jawline, nose, facial stubble (if they haven't had it lasered), and fake looking facial features (from too much plastic surgery) can be other giveaways. Hands are often rough, large, and mannish. Voice is another one that's very difficult to fake. Behavior-wise, trannies are excessively sexual - they throw their sexuality around far more than any real woman does, and are scads more sexually aggressive / revealing about their bodies. They try too hard to be feminine and sexual. Also, if they're Thai - just be wary of anyone who's Thai, even in the States you will meet Thai trannies.

Noted on the article on dealing with girls of different ages. With younger girls, you lead more, are more blatant/obvious, and more of an asshole. With women in their mid-20s and older, you want to be more subtle, get more into conversation, and be more charming rogue than jerk-like asshole.

Girls at work - I have an article in the works on this. Meantime, see this one for some tips: "Can You Flirt at Work Under the Radar? Why Yes You Can."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Shyness


Theres this girl i know shes very hard to understand and she is a fan of sending mixed signals.. She seemed very nervous and she had a emotionless expression on her face when we first talked it was funny because it was so obvious she was nervous. She seemed very intrigued in the conversation though. After that we would see each other alot but we never talked she kept glancing at me and stuff i knew she liked me i wanted to approach her but she wasnt really approachable she has alot of her friends around her.. I then found out she had a boyfriend but then broke up with him later.. After that i started to say hi but she ignored it. After that i approached her finally when she was approachable after like 5 months.. this time she was flirty and we both started flirting with each other. I didnt ask her out because i wanted her to act like she cared. I wanted a long term relationship not just a take to bed kind of deal... After we talked she was unapproachable again but still was sending mixed signals.. Whats up with this Chase? is she shy?

Chase Amante's picture

Shy Girl

Author

Anon-

She sounds shy and inexperienced. I'd check out these articles for next steps:

Chase

Nick's picture

Being Picky


Hey Chase,
Read your Hard to Please article, and now I am going to be less accommodating about things, one thing though is is it alright to reject gifts and presents that you know are of no value to you, and what if the person gives you a gift but it is in front of other people like Christmas and your birthday, can you still reject? It would be very embarrassing I imagine for the person giving you the gift.

Chase Amante's picture

Rejecting Gifts

Author

Nick-

I would not recommend ever rejecting gifts unless the gifts are meant as an insult to you. e.g., someone gives you a sex toy to try to embarrass you... just say, "No thanks, you'll probably have more use for that than I will. Why don't you hang onto that." That's the only case I can think of in which you'd want to turn down a gift.

Let people give you gifts. You're allowing them to invest in you, and allowing them to feel closer to you and feel better abou themselves in the process. Gift-giving very often feels even better for the giver than it does for the getter.

Chase

V's picture

How to deal with Punks


Hello chase, I know you said to take up combat classes to make yourself more confident and to defend yourself. But how do you deal with punks in groups? These are the guys that have nothing to live for trapped in the hood, so they really don't care about anything. They talk a lot of shit because they're in gangs and have people to back them up and they also have weapons. I was never the one to back down from a challenge so I just want to know what to do to handle these punks with big mouths that like to talk shit to you and they have alot of dudes that have their backs and weapons while living a life that's in and out of jail. Where im from you can't just not say anything and look like a bitch, so how do you handle a situation like that chase?

I also wanted to try to get my own little army on but don't know how to do it, how do I make a gang of friends that will ride and die with me?

Why do black people talk so much shit? Please answer this for me. Are they really that tough or are they just full of shit?

One more thing, growing up my name wasn't really ringing around of smashing alot of girls and guys talk shit about that alot. I cant really talk too much shit now because im not at the level where I want to be with women to brag about the ones I have now. How do I handle this situation also?

Thank you!!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Dealing with Punks

Author

V-

You can get into some dangerous situations pretty fast when you're dealing with young punks in groups. The best thing you can do is just stay out of areas that have them (or move out of them if you're in them right now). When I went through my tough-guy phase, I was lucky my family had moved up to the middle class and I wasn't in the bad part of town anymore… the biggest groups of punks I met on the streets were two or three guys, and I could just look angry and they'd mostly leave me alone. I decided not to move to Colombia a while back despite all the reports of gorgeous, friendly women there because guys I talked to said that you WILL run into groups of 6 or 7 guys with knives there who will hold you up, so carry a backup wallet with a little money in it to give them when they stick you up… every time I've had people try to rob me I fought them, and I'd probably try to do that there and end up dead. So I just skipped that country.

Lifting and getting bigger helps act as a deterrent - most guys won't want to challenge you when you have muscle. Looking really pissed off when you walk is another deterrent, because people just assume you're crazy, and every guy with an ounce of street smart knows you don't mess with crazy. I've always walked extra slow through dangerous areas too… while it means you're there longer, I feel like it makes you look tougher / less afraid / more familiar with the area. I can't say that's true for sure, but I've been through a number of bad areas where I stuck out like a sore thumb and only had people try things a few times.

For punks in groups talking shit, I like to have some standard responses that deflect that without being overly confrontational... you don't want to hurt dude's pride, because that's when he attacks (to restore his honor). But you also don't want to ignore it, because then you just look like a mark. So standard responses look like:

Punk: Yo man, you better watch out. This a bad part of town. Not safe to be out here all by your lonesome.

You: [slowly turn your head to look at him as you walk by; slowly smile at him] Naaaaah, man... [said slowly] I can take care o' myself. [pause] Later. [give him a slow, friendly nod, then break eye contact by looking to the side, back to where you were heading. Keep walking that way without looking back]

or

Punk: Yo, what's with the bag? Looks like you some teacher's bitch!

You: [slowly turn your head to look at him as you walk by; slowly smile at him] Naaaaah, man... [said slowly] Jus' books an' shit. [pause] Peace, bra. [give him a slow, friendly nod, then break eye contact by looking to the side, back to where you were heading. Keep walking that way without looking back]

or

Punk: You look like you dressed like a girl or somethin'!

You: [slowly turn your head to look at him as you walk by; slowly smile at him] Naaaaah, man... [said slowly] This the style nowadays. [pause] Lates. [give him a slow, friendly nod, then break eye contact by looking to the side, back to where you were heading. Keep walking that way without looking back]

If you see guys repeatedly and have interactions like this repeatedly, they will eventually start thinking you're pretty cool and invite you to hang with them. When this happens, you DO want to accept, but NEVER for more than a few minutes.

Just go over, shoot the shit with them for a few minutes, then tell them you've got to get going. Just do that enough so that you're a bit more of a familiar face and they're cool with you, but don't hang around long enough that they start hazing you for initiation into the group (where they start asking you to do stuff - if they do, just go, "Nah, man, I can't do that; you guys is way too crazy for my ass" [said in a way that you think they're too badass / cool for you], then laugh, then, "All right man, I gots to get going"). This way they'll mostly leave you alone, and you won't have to worry about them trying to turn you into a dealer / banger.

Black culture is based on braggadcio - it's inherited from African tradition. Men boast to one another about how strong and tough they are. It's a sort of warrior culture. Mostly it's testing, just like what women do - respond right, you pass the test and are seen as pretty cool. Respond wrong, you fail and are seen as weak and pathetic. Respond confrontationally and you send them flying into a rage. It's exactly the same as what girls do in bars and nightclubs in this way.

I probably wouldn't get a posse going - you stand a better chance of people judging you based purely on your merits and thinking you're cool and then leaving you alone when it's just you than when it's your group. When you have a group, it often ends up being your group vs. their group, which is not what you want. You just want them to think you're some kind of cool cat who passes through every now and again and that's just it.

Mostly though, I'd recommend changing where you live to some place you don't have to deal with that shit, although if you do deal with it, and manage not to get shot or stabbed in the process, you'll end up being a lot more street smart and a lot better prepared to handle those kinds of situations in the future.

On talking shit about women - I wouldn't do that, even if you had lots of girls. If you're getting challenged on women, just say, "I do arright," or, "I ain't even stressin' it, man."

Chase

Jada's picture

Girls by themselves/social situation


Hi Chase, great article. Was hoping you could help me with understanding the following:

I always seem to have a hard time bedding girls when I am with them in a social situation compared to when I meet a girl 1-on-1.

I was at a little meetup with a few friends the other day, there was about 7 of us, 5 guys, 3 girls. Here's the thing, I could tell one of them was really into me but I just found it so hard to get past eye contact and general chit chat/flirting, I just couldn't seem to fun anyway to actually move her and get talking on a deeper level. Mainly because everyone was talking to everyone and we kept getting interrupted etc. It was just like there was too much going on to really make anything happen.

Is it just the case that sometimes the environment your in makes things just too tricky to successfully work? Are parties and social meetups with people you mostly know (didn't know the girl and a few of the guys) just not the place to seduce women?

Another thing I always find is that one on one say when I meet a gal
In the street I find it sooo much easier to follow my process and really be in the zone. It's like at parties your always talking to different people and you act slightly different with certain people based on how much you know them/like them. It just feels hard to stick to a pure process.

How do you get pass basic eye contact/ flirting with a girl and advance to deep diving and really connecting at an event where everyone is having fun and in
Very close proximity (sat round table) to each other, talking over each other etc.

Chase Amante's picture

Social Situations

Author

Jada-

It's best if you're sitting next to the girl if you're at a table... you're less likely to be interrupted there than if you're apart. However, depending on the group, they may or may not interrupt you if you're having a great conversation (some will, some won't). It's really kind of the luck of the draw there; very much depends on the group.

The best thing you can do is once you're in a conversation, try to get her sufficiently engrossed (and yourself engrossed too), without making it TOO heavy. Basically, you want people on the outside to look in and say, "Well, I probably shouldn't bother them," without it being so intense that if the conversation is interrupted, it feels weird for the two of you to go back to talking again because it's such a mood shift from the light chit-chat she and you are having with the rest of the group to return to the intense conversation you and she were having with each other.

Sometimes it really isn't possible to get too involved there - the best you can do is have some light flirting, and then before you leave at the end of the night say, "Let's grab some lunch or something this week or next... sound cool?" and then trade numbers to follow up later.

Chase

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