Why Women Flake: The 5 Things You Can’t Control


In "What to Do When Girls Flake", we talked about how to respond to women who are flaking you (i.e., cancelling you or not showing up on dates that you set up), and that you usually should not blame them for this, because flaking is simply something that women do to guys.

What I want to talk about today is why women flake, and hopefully give you some additional insight into the psychology behind this phenomenon, so that you can avoid it, or nip it in the bud more effectively and not have to deal with it so much.

women flake

Many men believe that the best (and the simplest) way to get girls is by taking phone numbers and set up a meet. Such a strategy does work indeed, but frankly it has a lots of cons and it is far from efficient. I will here cover the different reasons for why that is the case.

It should be pointed out that I not saying that you should stop taking numbers, but that you should maybe think twice before playing such a game.


women flake

Last weekend I met a really sweet girl during my journey out into the local energetic nightlife. Long story short – I had a really good tone with that girl and she suggested that we should share numbers so that we could set up a meet later on. For logistical reasons I could not go home to her place and finish her off there that night.

So I took her number, left the bar and went to a club. At the club I had a good time and managed to lay another sweet girl.

Either way, on Sunday I texted my girl and sat up a meet for Tuesday. I made my messages short and simple in order to not come across as needy. Further, I also told her that I wouldn’t be available after Thursday, in order to come across as busy and make her see me as someone scarce and exclusive. It also worked as a tool to remove flakes as she now knows she only has until Thursday to meet me, and after that her chances have gone, which means that she doesn’t have a big margin for flaking on the meet ups.

Either way, she texted me back 5 hours later, and I am sure she wasn’t that busy. She was simply playing a silly girl game on me, which obviously doesn’t work quite well with me. In her response she told me that she was busy with her family on Tuesday but that she might has time during the evening. I answer one day later (Monday morning) that I was cool with it.

On Tuesday I sent her another message telling her that I will be free from 6 o’clock and that I will be able to meet her after that. I also asked when she was free.

No response. You might tell yourself “maybe she was busy that day” – and I agree, that might have been the case. However in such a situation, if the girl really wanted to meet up with me, she would have sent me a message about it and maybe offered me to meet her up at a later time.

If a woman can’t make it to your date and she offers you to reschedule the date for another time, it is a sign of interest, and also a sign that she truly wants to meet up with you and not just play stupid games.

So, at least in this case, I don’t have a way to pin down where I went wrong. The girl was really into me (it was her offer to share numbers): she gave me the right number (e.g., no fake number), and she answered my texts.

I wasn’t needy on my texts, I offered her a meet up, I answered to her message at the same rhythm as she did with mine. What went wrong?

What I will point out in this post is not the typical “what is wrong with you” or “what are you doing wrong” list. Instead, I want to discuss the other side of the line – what there is with females that makes them flake that are not caused by male actions.


women flake

Your first instinct may be to think that she has flaked because she does not like you... or because she is just a “typical crazy girl”.

But girls actually have a lot of reasons why they cannot meet you, and when you take the time to understand them women will stop seeming like a big confusing mystery, and more and more like a puzzle with all of the pieces fitted neatly into place.

Here are the reasons why women flake.


Mood Change

Your mood is obviously different from when you are out shopping for groceries to when you are drinking with your friends. Your mood changes a lot. The same thing is true for women.

Actually when it comes to women, they are known to be even more driven by their emotions than males are. For example, the female’s mood has a higher impact on her behaviour.

So what happens is that you meet up a girl and she is in a good mood. She is probably out, a little drunk, having fun with her friends and dancing.

Or even better – maybe you made her feel good. There is no doubt that when two people interact with each other, they both affect one another’s mood. For example, when you have a nice chat with a lady and you feel passion, that puts you into a certain emotional state.

What happens in this case basically is that the lady is within a particular mental state during the initial interaction with you. She feels good and excited.

women flake However the next morning, she might have work to do, she might have just woken up, her day might have been very boring or even worse she might even have a hangover.

Also, the fact that you are not there with her can have a huge impact on her mood. She cannot feel the same thing that she did when you were around her now that you are away from her. Now you are just some cool guy who made her feel good yesterday, but is not there to make her feel good right now.

As a result, she is probably less excited about talking to you and even meeting up, as her mood is not the same. As just mentioned, women’s mood affects their behaviours, which again affect their actions.

However, I highly recommend men to understand the following and play with it: if the result from texting or calling a girl is limited, try again later! For all you know, her mood might have changed again – this time to something in your favor.

Here is how you can try to get her back in the same mood as when she just met you:

  • Mention or callback events that took place when you met her (“Hey you remember that silly dude who spit in his drink and drank it right after?”)

  • Resume a conversation topic that took place during the initial conversation (“By the way I am currently watching a gross, yet amazing Kubrick movie”)


Attention Seeking

For women, feeling beautiful might often be more important than hooking up with an awesome man. In fact, for a woman, winning over a man is not like winning over a woman is for us – we need to have sex with woman in order to feel a certain level of achievement. For women, simply winning a man over by getting his attention is enough.

This is why women at times can often come across as very attention seeking. Because it is by getting positive male attention that they feel pretty. By feeling pretty, they also feel good about themselves, and as this is such an important need to woman, why shouldn’t they enjoy it?

The problem here is that when you are away from a woman and texting with her, the scenario is much more beneficial for her than it is for you. She can easily play on the male neediness and send mixed signals. As you on the other side of the line are not right there interacting face to face with her, you are sadly not in a position where you are in control over the interaction (and its outcome). As you don’t have much control of the interaction, the outcome is more dependent on her moves.

This means that if she wants you to give her attention by fooling you to believe that there is something going on between you two (and oftentimes, such a thing is not even required), she can get it her way unless you are man with standards who is wiling to cut contact and move on... which, sadly, is not the case for most men, because they really want to “win over this girl”, figuring out different weird strategies to make her respond faster to texts and stop flaking on dates.

The balance of power has therefore changed. She has satisfied her needs (or is currently satisfying them) – which happens by getting positive attention from a male.

However, most men will not be satisfied by positive attention from a female alone. They expect more, and I don’t blame them, because I am like them. I want to have sex with the women I flirt with.

This means that she is getting more from you than you are getting from her. Now if we think about it, this means that you are currently chasing her.

And as we know, chasing women rarely leads to anything good for the chasing man. The more you chase a lady, the more you ruin your chances to have sex with her.

As a result, I also dislike taking numbers for this exact reason. I literally dislike playing the mating game within a scenario where my odds are bad. I like to play on a balanced playground – which in my opinion is only during a face-to-face interaction.


Fear of Rejection

Further, not only are women seeking attention from an interested man over the phone, but they are also getting it quite easily.

Then, I may ask, as she is being satisfied this way, why would she risk throwing it away?

In my opinion, doing such a thing would be counterintuitive, and, in fact, most women look at it that way.

Furthermore, women also fear rejection a lot more than men. In her meeting up with a dude, it can go both ways. She might be able to get even more attention from you... or she might risk losing her source of validation. Women, biologically speaking, are built in a way that they play their actions safely. Women are far less risk taking than men are. If the status quo is satisfying to women, they will probably not risk upsetting it.

As a result, once she has your attention, she will probably flake on you and keep playing the “getting your attention” game – it is safer than meeting up with you.

If you really want a tip on how to handle the following, it would be as following:

  • Make short, to-the-point messages

  • Do not give her too much attention in her texts

  • Wait at least 4 hours between each text

  • If she flakes more than 3 times you really need to next her and move on


Playing Hard to Get

Often, if a woman is really attracted to you, she might play hard to get in order to make you chase her and force you to commit to a relationship ON HER TERMS (which we know is something you should avoid at all cost).

Women know that by sending mixed signals they can make men chase them. Women’s end goal is not only about getting attention but also making men with potential into their boyfriends – forcing them to commit to an exclusive relationship.

Furthermore, women believe that men do not like being seen around with women who are perceived as easy targets. This can be a result of the women’s “anti-slut defence” which is a system of protection women have for protecting themselves from the “slut” label.

If a woman sees any boyfriend potential in you (i.e., is really attracted to you, not only just “interested”), she might play hard to get. Now, most of the time this tends to works out okay for men provided they don’t wait too long to make those dates happen and provided they don’t become really needy as a result of her playing hard to get.

women flake

But sometimes, insecure women will go a little too far. They will play “impossible to get”. Most men will lose motivation and move on, but some will stick to them. What tends to happen then is that these men will become very needy and ruin everything.

If you start feeling that a woman is playing hard to get with you, I simply recommend you to play the game back in return. Like for example:

  • Waiting before answering her texts

  • Give her the equal amount of attention as she is giving to you

  • If has been flaking before or you feel that will most likely flake, then YOU flake on the next meeting before she has a chance to do it. Then re-schedule the meet for another time.

  • If the problem persists, you again really have to move on. It rarely works out when a woman is going that far. You better respect your time and meet other woman instead of wasting it.


“Luck” and the Lack of Control Over the Outcome

This leads me to my final point. The problem with interacting with a woman over the phone is that you don’t have much control over the situation. The outcome is not in your hands, but just a bunch of coincidences.

This means that whether you succeed or not is just accidental. Sometimes you are lucky and the girl is really horny or is very easygoing and she is actually meeting up to the dates very easily.

But most of the time it not only requires a lot of hard work in order to make anything happen, but the chances that anything will happen remain low.


women flake

Learning phone game and increase your chances to get dates from numbers are great. However, keep in mind that luck remains a crucial factor, as what defines the outcome of phone game is grounded on a bunch of small coincidences (she might have eaten something bad yesterday and feels like hell right now).

In order to not waste time, I suggest that you only take numbers from girls who:

  • Are very interested in you

  • You have built a decent quick connection with

  • Are clearly emotionally secure (and not insecure) – e.g., not too attention seeking, drunk, immature or sexually stuck up (or what many label as “conservative women”)

I am being repetitive, but this is problem the more important advice of them all: walk away if she is playing too many games. Cut contact with her if you haven’t met her at least within 7 days after taking her number. If you wait longer, all the passion will have gone, and you will simply turn into a worthless provider of attention for her.


When Women Flake: A Summary

Oftentimes men make mistakes when it comes to texting, and as a result, women will flake on them. However, in many other cases, there might not be anything wrong with the mans actions, but the flakes still take place as a result of multiple coincidences on the female side. Such causes are:

  • Mood change – women are not in the same mood anymore, as a result she might be less excited about talking to you

  • A girl might become attention-seeking and tries to make you into a provider – a provider of attention

  • She might fear rejection – meeting up with you might make her lose you as a provider of attention (as you might reject her). Therefore she plays it safe

  • She might play hard to get

So, do analyse what went wrong when girls you grab phone numbers from will not meet up with you... but don’t beat yourself up too bad about it.

Sometimes you could’ve done things in the interaction differently, and sometimes your follow-up game is lacking. Obviously, if girls never agree to dates with you, you’re doing something wrong and need to fix it.

But a good chunk of the time, it’s just outside your control altogether how a woman responds, because of who she is, what’s happened in the interval between when you met her and when you got in contact, or what her life is like when she’s not with you.

Hope you enjoyed this post.

-Alek

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Comments

Gentle_Phrases's picture

Stop Rating Girls


Hey Alek. Thank you for the article man.I'll keep this in mind next time a girl smiles and gives me her number...then never responds to my messages. On an entirely unrelated note:

Is the model in this article a lady friend of yours/one of the other authors at girls chase? If so...kudos. I've been struggling with Chases' whole "only view girls as cute/someone you'd be interested in talking too" instead of "hot/sexy" thing, although I'm definitely feeling the advantages.

Must suck to be an attractive woman. No dude would talk to her just to say "hi." Then again, private jets are nice. I would love to be a fly on the wall when top caliber girls talk frankly about their dating lives.

What a world.

Alek Rolstad's picture

Gentle_ Phrases

Author

Thanks for the kind words man.

None of the girls on the photo in my posts are girls I know. all are picture that chase procures (I don't know how - so don't ask me :))

I am not familiar with chases post on how to view women. I prefer seeing women as sexual being who just wants to bang. But again it should be noted that Chase and I are different persons and that there are multiple ways to rome.

Yet I might even agree with his post - I haven't read it.

Try it all and see what works best for you. That's the only thing I can say.

Once you reach a certain skill level (a high skill level) women will tend to be very open with you. Hot women have told me about how much they masturbate while thinking abou sexy men while their boyfriend were away, or admitting to love anal sex (which women rarely admits in public). But again it should be noted that I have been into this since 2007 and been practicing actively my skills.

It takes time but it is worth it :)

Good luck.

-Alek

hınıslı's picture

While walking down the street


Hi. Alek

I would like to start by "THANK YOU CHASE, ALEK, DREXLERR AND ALL THE GREAT AUTHORS OF GİRLSCHASE"
Have you ever been to turkey ? İstanbul? İf you had I think you couldn't take your eyes from the girls there. I live a typical province like İstanbul in turkey. So my question is that While I am walking in the Street. I see many more girls whose attracts me. They are really beautiful, sweet and sexy( İf this comment can be seen in the screen of girlschase I want to give an information about turkey, here is a mixture country, Last decades girls leave head scarf etc. they are dressed sexy pretty as the western girls) and that makes me looking at them. What can I do while walking on the Street?

Thank you

Gentle_Phrases's picture

Use Day Game/Night Street Game


Read the Marty's link to his field report on night street game (he's the commenter directly below) for a very good example of what to do

and then browse these two articles:

Night Street approach

https://www.girlschase.com/content/nighttime-street-game

Daygame

https://www.girlschase.com/content/using-day-game-get-girls-14-myths-deb...

Alek Rolstad's picture

h1n1sh

Author

Hi thanks for the kind words. We all appreciate getting kudos for our work. I just finished a blog article. It takes 3-4 hours to write one, so once we get good feedback we naturally get motivate to write even more.

I have been to ankara and fucked 2 turkish girls. Cool girls really. They were drunk all the time...

Beside that my opinion on turkey beside having a hot weather, good food and beautiful cities is that women in the big cities are very different from the girls outside.

But also which social background they have matters a lot. Conservative christian or moslem background tend to make them hard to lay. Further rich girls then to be more sexually liberated. Women who goes to clubs then to be rather sexually liberated.

However when it comes to daygame I am not pro. Your question is a little vague.

I suggest you send an email to chase about it. He will probably give you links to multiple blogposts concerning the topic.

-Alek

Marty's picture

Don't take a number


Hey Alek:

Very topical article for me: last weekend I also had an experience where it was a mistake to accept a number, although my reason for being unable to close on the spot was a failure to persist, resulting from my substantially inferior level of skill. You can read full details here: http://www.girlschase.com/boards/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=3922

I am learning (slowly, the hard way) that accepting a number is unreliable and definitely a far poorer option than taking the extra time to escalate. The lessons you teach in this article are extremely apposite for me.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the girl I met checked three of the boxes you warned of: attention-seeking, drunk and immature. On the other hand, she was clearly interested (enough to kiss), we had built a good connection, and it is very unlikely that she was what you delightfully term "sexually stuck up".

She gave me full details of her place of employment, as well as her study schedule and location, and I wonder whether I should meet her unexpectedly one evening as she finishes either of these and make my case in person, since text is clearly failing. I believe I have enough self-assurance and authoritativeness not to come across as a creeper/stalker by doing this! :) Your opinion would interest me.

And just so you don't think I've gotten overly hung up, I have opened a further eight girls since I met her; don't get the impression I'm obsessed!

Thanks Alek!

-Marty

gifatron's picture

Do NOT unexpectedly meet up


Do NOT unexpectedly meet up with her. Next her. As he said in the article, don't continue to text her if it isn't working. Just forget about her. Move on.

Alek Rolstad's picture

Marty

Author

Glad the article was useful to you.

Do not meet her up at her workplace or anywere else for that matter without appointing with her. Not only is it needy but also very creepy.

You can alway try and learn the hard way if you like :)

Your girls seems rather interested as she gave multiple indicators that she was rather attracted:
"She gave me full details of her place of employment, as well as her study schedule and location, "

I suggest you keep sending messages and appoint a meeting. If she becomes to attention seeking freeze her out for a week and re-engage. If nothing changes, just move :)

-Alek

Ben's picture

a better approach


I would prefer if the author of this article just stuck to the messsage and let that speak for itself. It seemed that he was trying to convince us what a cassonava he was, I mean c'mon in the first two paragraphs he's already hyping his own skills up with lines like this:

"I couldn't finish her off there that night."

"So I took her number, left the bar and went to a club. At the club I had a good time and managed to lay another sweet girl."

Just let your message do the talking, if it's good we'll all be getting better with the ladies, talk is cheap and we all know this. The proof is in the pudding.

Alek Rolstad's picture

Ben

Author

Hi Ben... your point has been noted. I will try to avoid such introductions in the future.

The reason I liked to write such an introduction is to deliver a more personal messages.

Sadly it is a fact that many seduction bloggs out there just rent proffesional marketers to the writing for them. These marketters are good at writing but they sadly have no experience with what they write about. They are just good at formulating themselves.

My desire is to often convey that I am actually a real person, who like you is interested in pick up and seduction, who like you still wants to learn, and who like you often goes out with the purpose of meeting women.

Yet I will keep your point in mind. Maybe I should just shorten up such introductions.

On bragging, I respect that you dislike such points. however in my opinion, I perceive this place as a place where we discuss how to have sex with women. I therefore believe hat mentioning that we are actually having sex pretty much fits with the concept.

Many people on the forum who are here to learn talks about their experience with women, both good and bad. I see therefore no reasons for why not the writers should do so. At times I have also mentioned episodes where women directly rejected me. I think such information enhances the vibe of this place as it is very on-topic of what we write about. It is natural that a man who gives advices to other men about how to get laid should get laid himself and talk about it.

But I still think you have a valid point which is that i could have said the following differently. I could have formulated it differently.

Also I do not see anything "braggish" with the first line. I just told people why I took a number - as most of the rest of the orginal posts says "do not take numbers from girls". It would be incongruent with the rest of the message if I didnt mention the following.

-Alek

Ben's picture

This is actually a really


This is actually a really good article, many good points, I just didn't like how it started out about the author bragging about his skills, proof is in the pudding bro ;)

Tomas's picture

Luck factor is strong - example


I just want to add a something you cannot control. It is actually funny that things like this may destroy potential relationship.
It can happen that a negative event comes into the girl's life just before you are to meet, something like death of a pet or car accident or illness and so on. This is also the reason why she cancels the date. But you communicate with her throughout the time around that event. Now, the cancelled date with you and communication with you is linked to the negative event and she stops feeling positively when thinking about you. Game over.

Tomas

Alek Rolstad's picture

Tomas

Author

Good points but mentioned stuff like "care accidents" or "death in familly" would have been a little too extreme don't you think? :)

I would put the following into the cathegory of "mood change", becuase what happens when women faces such events is that it changes her mood (into a negative one sadly).

But you are completly right - such events have truly a negative effect on the lady.

Good points.

-Alei

david's picture

Another common bad luck that


Another common bad luck that you cannot do anything about is following. Online dating, a woman has 4 dates a week. The first date is with you. But something happens, like her mother needing something urgently, so she has to cancel the date. She is very sorry and makes a counter offer, but she is free only after that week (because of other dates planned). Now, the week goes over and she texts you: I am sorry, I have already found someone else since then... And you feel like a total idiot. She didn't find you just because her mother needed help on the day of your date.

Anonymous's picture

Great article, Alek. I


Great article, Alek. I appreciate the insights. I currently have a situation related to this topic and I hoping to get your insight. The girl was a former co-worker that used to flirt with me, but since I had a girlfriend at the time, it never really escalated to anything serious. We both eventually left the company and went on our separate lives. Despite currently having no common social circles anymore, she still texts me every once in a while and asks how I'm doing. One day we decided to meet up for dinner (as friends). At that time she asked when my girlfriend and I would marry, I told her that we broke up a few months ago but it was amicable and threw the same question back at her. She was bit evasive with her answer, but I got the impression that things weren't exactly great. A week later she messaged me online and said she broke up with him. She texted me all the details the next day. The conversation ended with me telling her to forget her ex and offered to take her out to a movie and dinner to help her forget. She agreed.
However, she kept cancelling last minute for various reasons but always offers alternatives. She must have cancelled 6-7 times in the span of 3 months. To be fair, though, at least 3 of the cancellations were truly legitimate (twice, the weather a VERY bad and one time she was hospitalized and I visited her instead). I planned to tell her that I liked her once we were able to go out, but it never even came to that. In the last "flake out", she cancelled and asked if we could reschedule for the next day. I agreed. However, the following day, I truly forgot and texted her that evening and told her jokingly that we both forgot to meet up (I figured that she would have at least asked me details on the meet up or if was still on). She said that she thought I was busy and didn't want to bother me (which I was). I eventually told her in that same conversation that I really liked her but all these cancellations must be some sign/fate telling me that we might be better off as just friends. She initially didn't reply, but I assured her that we're still ok and we'd still be friends. She then responded by telling me she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I again assured her that I wasn't hurt and that I was ok with it. And that's how the conversation ended. I haven't had any communication with her since then.
And now my questions:
1. Do you think I missed any window of opportunity that I should have taken. Could I have done something differently to change the outcome?
2. Why do you think she flaked? Was she not just that in to me? Or was it simply attention seeking?
3. I'm truly not bothered with her rejecting me, but I'm more concerned on how I should act around her moving forward. Should I just cut ties with her altogether? Or should I just try to remain friends (since I don't plan on "getting" her anymore, so to speak)?

Any thoughts and insights will be most welcome!

jaycich's picture

it sucks


This is bull, not the article, the article is spot on, dealing with women is bull. It's like jumping through hoops, while they don't do anything. After 10 flake in a row, I'm pretty tired and kind of jaded. I give up, I can't do this anymore. Just out of curiosity, what do these women do after they've flaked on 100 good matches and got pumped and dumped by 10 guys out of their league?

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