In "What to Do When Girls Flake", we talked about how to respond to women who are flaking you (i.e., cancelling you or not showing up on dates that you set up), and that you usually should not blame them for this, because flaking is simply something that women do to guys.
What I want to talk about today is why women flake, and hopefully give you some additional insight into the psychology behind this phenomenon, so that you can avoid it, or nip it in the bud more effectively and not have to deal with it so much.
Many men believe that the best (and the simplest) way to get girls is by taking phone numbers and set up a meet. Such a strategy does work indeed, but frankly it has a lots of cons and it is far from efficient. I will here cover the different reasons for why that is the case.
It should be pointed out that I not saying that you should stop taking numbers, but that you should maybe think twice before playing such a game.
Last weekend I met a really sweet girl during my journey out into the local energetic nightlife. Long story short – I had a really good tone with that girl and she suggested that we should share numbers so that we could set up a meet later on. For logistical reasons I could not go home to her place and finish her off there that night.
So I took her number, left the bar and went to a club. At the club I had a good time and managed to lay another sweet girl.
Either way, on Sunday I texted my girl and sat up a meet for Tuesday. I made my messages short and simple in order to not come across as needy. Further, I also told her that I wouldn’t be available after Thursday, in order to come across as busy and make her see me as someone scarce and exclusive. It also worked as a tool to remove flakes as she now knows she only has until Thursday to meet me, and after that her chances have gone, which means that she doesn’t have a big margin for flaking on the meet ups.
Either way, she texted me back 5 hours later, and I am sure she wasn’t that busy. She was simply playing a silly girl game on me, which obviously doesn’t work quite well with me. In her response she told me that she was busy with her family on Tuesday but that she might has time during the evening. I answer one day later (Monday morning) that I was cool with it.
On Tuesday I sent her another message telling her that I will be free from 6 o’clock and that I will be able to meet her after that. I also asked when she was free.
No response. You might tell yourself “maybe she was busy that day” – and I agree, that might have been the case. However in such a situation, if the girl really wanted to meet up with me, she would have sent me a message about it and maybe offered me to meet her up at a later time.
If a woman can’t make it to your date and she offers you to reschedule the date for another time, it is a sign of interest, and also a sign that she truly wants to meet up with you and not just play stupid games.
So, at least in this case, I don’t have a way to pin down where I went wrong. The girl was really into me (it was her offer to share numbers): she gave me the right number (e.g., no fake number), and she answered my texts.
I wasn’t needy on my texts, I offered her a meet up, I answered to her message at the same rhythm as she did with mine. What went wrong?
What I will point out in this post is not the typical “what is wrong with you” or “what are you doing wrong” list. Instead, I want to discuss the other side of the line – what there is with females that makes them flake that are not caused by male actions.
Your first instinct may be to think that she has flaked because she does not like you... or because she is just a “typical crazy girl”.
But girls actually have a lot of reasons why they cannot meet you, and when you take the time to understand them women will stop seeming like a big confusing mystery, and more and more like a puzzle with all of the pieces fitted neatly into place.
Here are the reasons why women flake.
Your mood is obviously different from when you are out shopping for groceries to when you are drinking with your friends. Your mood changes a lot. The same thing is true for women.
Actually when it comes to women, they are known to be even more driven by their emotions than males are. For example, the female’s mood has a higher impact on her behaviour.
So what happens is that you meet up a girl and she is in a good mood. She is probably out, a little drunk, having fun with her friends and dancing.
Or even better – maybe you made her feel good. There is no doubt that when two people interact with each other, they both affect one another’s mood. For example, when you have a nice chat with a lady and you feel passion, that puts you into a certain emotional state.
What happens in this case basically is that the lady is within a particular mental state during the initial interaction with you. She feels good and excited.
However the next morning, she might have work to do, she might have just woken up, her day might have been very boring or even worse she might even have a hangover.
Also, the fact that you are not there with her can have a huge impact on her mood. She cannot feel the same thing that she did when you were around her now that you are away from her. Now you are just some cool guy who made her feel good yesterday, but is not there to make her feel good right now.
As a result, she is probably less excited about talking to you and even meeting up, as her mood is not the same. As just mentioned, women’s mood affects their behaviours, which again affect their actions.
However, I highly recommend men to understand the following and play with it: if the result from texting or calling a girl is limited, try again later! For all you know, her mood might have changed again – this time to something in your favor.
Here is how you can try to get her back in the same mood as when she just met you:
Mention or callback events that took place when you met her (“Hey you remember that silly dude who spit in his drink and drank it right after?”)
Resume a conversation topic that took place during the initial conversation (“By the way I am currently watching a gross, yet amazing Kubrick movie”)
For women, feeling beautiful might often be more important than hooking up with an awesome man. In fact, for a woman, winning over a man is not like winning over a woman is for us – we need to have sex with woman in order to feel a certain level of achievement. For women, simply winning a man over by getting his attention is enough.
This is why women at times can often come across as very attention seeking. Because it is by getting positive male attention that they feel pretty. By feeling pretty, they also feel good about themselves, and as this is such an important need to woman, why shouldn’t they enjoy it?
The problem here is that when you are away from a woman and texting with her, the scenario is much more beneficial for her than it is for you. She can easily play on the male neediness and send mixed signals. As you on the other side of the line are not right there interacting face to face with her, you are sadly not in a position where you are in control over the interaction (and its outcome). As you don’t have much control of the interaction, the outcome is more dependent on her moves.
This means that if she wants you to give her attention by fooling you to believe that there is something going on between you two (and oftentimes, such a thing is not even required), she can get it her way unless you are man with standards who is wiling to cut contact and move on... which, sadly, is not the case for most men, because they really want to “win over this girl”, figuring out different weird strategies to make her respond faster to texts and stop flaking on dates.
The balance of power has therefore changed. She has satisfied her needs (or is currently satisfying them) – which happens by getting positive attention from a male.
However, most men will not be satisfied by positive attention from a female alone. They expect more, and I don’t blame them, because I am like them. I want to have sex with the women I flirt with.
This means that she is getting more from you than you are getting from her. Now if we think about it, this means that you are currently chasing her.
And as we know, chasing women rarely leads to anything good for the chasing man. The more you chase a lady, the more you ruin your chances to have sex with her.
As a result, I also dislike taking numbers for this exact reason. I literally dislike playing the mating game within a scenario where my odds are bad. I like to play on a balanced playground – which in my opinion is only during a face-to-face interaction.
Fear of Rejection
Further, not only are women seeking attention from an interested man over the phone, but they are also getting it quite easily.
Then, I may ask, as she is being satisfied this way, why would she risk throwing it away?
In my opinion, doing such a thing would be counterintuitive, and, in fact, most women look at it that way.
Furthermore, women also fear rejection a lot more than men. In her meeting up with a dude, it can go both ways. She might be able to get even more attention from you... or she might risk losing her source of validation. Women, biologically speaking, are built in a way that they play their actions safely. Women are far less risk taking than men are. If the status quo is satisfying to women, they will probably not risk upsetting it.
As a result, once she has your attention, she will probably flake on you and keep playing the “getting your attention” game – it is safer than meeting up with you.
If you really want a tip on how to handle the following, it would be as following:
Make short, to-the-point messages
Do not give her too much attention in her texts
Wait at least 4 hours between each text
If she flakes more than 3 times you really need to next her and move on
Playing Hard to Get
Often, if a woman is really attracted to you, she might play hard to get in order to make you chase her and force you to commit to a relationship ON HER TERMS (which we know is something you should avoid at all cost).
Women know that by sending mixed signals they can make men chase them. Women’s end goal is not only about getting attention but also making men with potential into their boyfriends – forcing them to commit to an exclusive relationship.
Furthermore, women believe that men do not like being seen around with women who are perceived as easy targets. This can be a result of the women’s “anti-slut defence” which is a system of protection women have for protecting themselves from the “slut” label.
If a woman sees any boyfriend potential in you (i.e., is really attracted to you, not only just “interested”), she might play hard to get. Now, most of the time this tends to works out okay for men provided they don’t wait too long to make those dates happen and provided they don’t become really needy as a result of her playing hard to get.
But sometimes, insecure women will go a little too far. They will play “impossible to get”. Most men will lose motivation and move on, but some will stick to them. What tends to happen then is that these men will become very needy and ruin everything.
If you start feeling that a woman is playing hard to get with you, I simply recommend you to play the game back in return. Like for example:
Waiting before answering her texts
Give her the equal amount of attention as she is giving to you
If has been flaking before or you feel that will most likely flake, then YOU flake on the next meeting before she has a chance to do it. Then re-schedule the meet for another time.
If the problem persists, you again really have to move on. It rarely works out when a woman is going that far. You better respect your time and meet other woman instead of wasting it.
“Luck” and the Lack of Control Over the Outcome
This leads me to my final point. The problem with interacting with a woman over the phone is that you don’t have much control over the situation. The outcome is not in your hands, but just a bunch of coincidences.
This means that whether you succeed or not is just accidental. Sometimes you are lucky and the girl is really horny or is very easygoing and she is actually meeting up to the dates very easily.
But most of the time it not only requires a lot of hard work in order to make anything happen, but the chances that anything will happen remain low.
Learning phone game and increase your chances to get dates from numbers are great. However, keep in mind that luck remains a crucial factor, as what defines the outcome of phone game is grounded on a bunch of small coincidences (she might have eaten something bad yesterday and feels like hell right now).
In order to not waste time, I suggest that you only take numbers from girls who:
Are very interested in you
You have built a decent quick connection with
Are clearly emotionally secure (and not insecure) – e.g., not too attention seeking, drunk, immature or sexually stuck up (or what many label as “conservative women”)
I am being repetitive, but this is problem the more important advice of them all: walk away if she is playing too many games. Cut contact with her if you haven’t met her at least within 7 days after taking her number. If you wait longer, all the passion will have gone, and you will simply turn into a worthless provider of attention for her.
When Women Flake: A Summary
Oftentimes men make mistakes when it comes to texting, and as a result, women will flake on them. However, in many other cases, there might not be anything wrong with the mans actions, but the flakes still take place as a result of multiple coincidences on the female side. Such causes are:
Mood change – women are not in the same mood anymore, as a result she might be less excited about talking to you
A girl might become attention-seeking and tries to make you into a provider – a provider of attention
She might fear rejection – meeting up with you might make her lose you as a provider of attention (as you might reject her). Therefore she plays it safe
She might play hard to get
So, do analyse what went wrong when girls you grab phone numbers from will not meet up with you... but don’t beat yourself up too bad about it.
Sometimes you could’ve done things in the interaction differently,
and sometimes your follow-up game is lacking. Obviously, if girls never agree to dates with you,
doing something wrong and need to fix it.
But a good chunk of the time, it’s just outside your control altogether how a woman responds, because of who she is, what’s happened in the interval between when you met her and when you got in contact, or what her life is like when she’s not with you.
Hope you enjoyed this post.