One of the most glaring things missing from the content available on the blog here has been an authoritative article on how to get a phone number from a girl. I put up "Natural Number Swapping" sometime back, and that covers the basics; Ricardus has covered phone numbers somewhat in a couple of different posts.
But there isn't any one comprehensive post written on everything you could ever want to know about becoming insanely effective at getting phone numbers.
Time to change that.
Today's article is a tour-de-force of all the most potent, powerful tips and techniques on how to get phone numbers that you could ask for, so you can get the numbers you want from the women you want them from, whenever you want, every time (or pretty close to it).
There's no reason you shouldn't be able to follow up with a girl that you like later on after meeting her.
And after reading this article and following its advice today, you'll see exactly why - and phone numbers will be a breeze.
Phone numbers aren't a big deal.
Really, nothing is a big deal... or, it shouldn't be, anyway.
- Meeting girls isn't a big deal
- Going on a date isn't a big deal
- Sleeping with girls isn't a big deal
- Taking a girl as your girlfriend isn't a big deal
- Getting married isn't a big deal
- Having kids isn't a big deal
- Growing old isn't a big deal
- Dying isn't a big deal
These are just normal, ordinary, regular parts of life that everybody goes through and everyone experiences.
And the men we admire - and the ones women go nuts with - are the ones who stay calm, controlled, and relaxed throughout... because for them, things aren't a big deal.
The wise old man sitting on a mountain top doesn't jump for joy if he finds out he has a grandchild... he smiles, and gives a few calm words of congratulations to his son or daughter on the new arrival. And we respect him much more for it than the guy who loses his shirt over what's a wonderful, but otherwise normal, life event.
Put in this way, you should be able to step outside yourself for a moment and realize that getting phone numbers is no big deal.
If you're good at knowing how to get a phone number, you can go out and get 10 or 20 phone numbers from new women in a day. All you've got to do is go out, keep meeting new women, and keep asking for their phone numbers.
But if you make it a big deal - if you freak out, get nervous, or get excited - it's going to be a much more uphill battle.
Girls Want Guys Who've Done This Before
Like we discussed in the article on preselection, women are most attracted - far and away, and by a large margin - to men that other women want.
Without seeing other women pursuing a man, women use a man's confidence as a proxy for this - if he's confident, he must have done this before and succeeded, which means women must want him, which means SHE should want him.
If he's nervous, that means this is a BIG DEAL for him, which means he probably hasn't done this very many times before and succeeded, which means a lot of women don't really want him... which means she doesn't want him.
Cue the "creepy guy" thoughts and
comments from girls.
"Something about that guy just seemed off."
To get around this, you've either got to:
Have done this many times before, or
ACT like you've done this many times before.
The chief thing is, you don't want women thinking this is your first time around the phone number rodeo. So if you're new or inexperienced, kill the nervousness.
How do you do that? Well, principally by following the next step...
Meantime, YOU Don't Want to Think Too Much
Yes, you want to pull off a smooth, solid phone number ask.
And yes, you want to make sure you come in the right way with the right strategy.
But no, you will not be successful if you are devoting a ton of time to obsessing over what you're going to say and how you're going to say it before you say it.
I remember a time, long after I'd gotten very good at getting girls' phone numbers, where I'd met this girl on an airplane on a trip I was making out to Milwaukee. She was very pretty, very sexy, and clearly very interested in me. And I decided that rather than simply ask her as soon as it felt right and get it out of the way as I usually do (we'll discuss below), I'd wait until the end of the plane ride and make some big production out of it.
Well, wouldn't you know it, years of experience and conditioning went out the window and suddenly the end of the plane ride came and I was as nervous as when I first started asking women for phone numbers years before. Needless to say, I asked her anyway, and it was not smooth, and I did not get the phone number, and I never saw her again.
You cannot overthink getting a phone number. As soon as you start thinking about it, you either need to ask RIGHT away, or just get it out of your head until it's time for you to do it.
Overthinking leads to you psyching yourself out, and you'll sabotage yourself every time.
A Few More Points on Psychology
The best sale doesn't feel like a sale at all, and it's the same with getting phone numbers. Your objective in getting a girl's phone number should be to make it feel as natural and effortless as possible. The better the experience, the more likely you are to get what you're seeking (her number).
But there's another side to this too: making sure that the number you're getting is good.
It's important that you know how to get a phone number the right way, because the way you ask for a number affects a bunch of different things, both immediately and downstream in your interactions with a girl:
- It affects how likely you are to actually get the phone number
- It affects how much and what, exactly, she thinks about you later
- It affects how likely or not likely she is to answer your phone call or text message
- It affects how warm she will be to meeting with you in person right away or not
- It affects if she sees you as a friend, lover, or provider (see: "What Women Want")
Because how you ask for and get phone numbers has such a big impact on how things go downstream (not just your likelihood of actually getting the number), it's extra important you're handling things appropriately.
Fortunately, handling things appropriately is precisely what the rest of this article is designed to teach you.
While you don't want to be overthinking things (overthinking is what nervousness is all about), you also don't want to rush into asking a girl for her phone number at the wrong time or in the wrong way.
There is a proper way of building up to things.
You can ask for a phone number quickly, or you can ask for it after an extended conversation. The important part is, you ask for it once her emotions are in the place where you can most effectively take her phone number.
I'll give you two scenarios - now tell me which of these feels comfortable asking for a girl's phone number:
Scenario #1: The Instant Ask
You see a pretty girl on the street or at a bar and walk up to her. "Hey, can I have your number?" you ask, without so much as an introduction.
Scenario #2: The Conversation That's Jumped the Shark
You met a girl, started talking to her, and things went great... for a while. But the two of you just kept sitting there, and talking, and talking, and talking, for maybe a few hours, until there was nothing left to talk about. "Well," she says, getting up, "I've really got to be going."
"Oh hey, wait," you say as she rises to leave, "we should hang out some time! What's your phone number?"
... back to the meat of the post. Which of those two scenarios feels more comfortable?
Got an answer yet? I'll wait.
Here's the answer: it's a trick question - they're both really awkward!
And they're both unlikely to work.
But why? Well, the reason is, both of these phone number asks are completely inconsiderate of the woman's emotions.
They're asking at the wrong time, and they show a complete disregard for how the woman feels, what she wants, or what's most appealing to her.
And because of that, they're a total turn off.
Let's have a look at why that is, and how you can prepare yourself to ask women at the right times for their phone numbers.
The Emotional Arc of Getting Phone Numbers
Learning how to get a phone number properly is a lot like learning how to do anything else with women properly, from saying "hello" to physical escalation.
It's all dependent on emotions.
Which makes sense... emotions are the brain's intuitive logic center. When your subconscious mind picks up on things, it tells you how to act through emotions.
Guy seems confident, cool, attractive, and suave? Emotionally, a girl responds well to him.
Guy seems nervous, awkward, and uncomfortable? Emotionally, a girl feels creeped out and wants to get away.
That's the overall picture of how emotions work. The smaller view picture is that for every interaction, you're going to follow a certain emotional arc:
- Meet (you're strangers; she's unsure about you)
- Introductions (if your fundamentals are good, she's interested instantly)
- Repartee / chit-chat (she's finding you more attractive now; she's excited)
- Rapport (she's feels the emotional connection between you)
- Escalate (you move her or move things forward) or wind-down (you end things)
If you're doing things right (and want to have the best chance possible of having a girl give you her phone number and setting things up to go well downstream) you want to get a girl's phone number somewhere between Step #3 and Step #4 on the emotional arc.
The reason why it's so important to get a phone number after you've established some initial repartee but before things have begun to wind down and draw to a close is to capitalize on emotional high points.
Watch any movie where two people kiss. They never kiss right after they've first met; nor do they kiss when things are awkward or uncomfortable. They always kiss right at the perfect moment, when things are at an emotional high point and it just feels right.
Asking a girl for her phone number is a lot like kissing her in that respect; if it doesn't feel right, it'll blow up in your face; but if it does, there'll never have been anything more natural.
So what should you be looking for, then? How do you know when the moment to ask has come?
You should ask her for her phone number when:
- She seems comfortable around you
- The two of you are "vibing" - e.g., conversation is happening easily
- She's contributing to the conversation, telling you things about herself, and asking questions
- You hit a peak within the emotional high period - she's laughing, hitting you, or clearly having a good time in some other way
You never want to ask her for her phone number on an emotional low point... things are winding down, she's seeming bored, or she's otherwise unengaged. That's because the moment you ask a girl for her phone number, she's going to say to herself, "Do I want more of what I'm feeling right now?"
If the answer is, "No, this is not that great," her answer to you will be "no," too.
But if the answer is, "Yes, this is wonderful!" then her answer to you will be "yes."
Make It About a Date, Not a Number
Another reason that asking for a phone number can be awkward both for her AND for you is because she doesn't know what you want her phone number for!
I mean, she knows you like her, but...
- Are you going to send her 200 text messages every day?
- Are you going to call her at weird times to tell her about your "feelings?"
- Or are you just going to use her number to ask her out on a date?
Because she doesn't know, the very first thing that springs to her mind when you ask her for her phone number is, "Um, why?"
But she can't ask that, because it's socially impolite. So she's forced to make a judgment call: do I want this guy to be able to have unfettered access to my phone to do whatever he wants, or do I not?
This is fine for confident, charismatic guys, because she KNOWS a guy like that is too busy to go strange on her. But if you're anybody ELSE... if you're just a regular guy starting out in game, who doesn't have James Bond super skills at wooing women yet, she's going to wonder if you might by any chance turn into a creep.
You know, those guys who pester women all day long with boring and annoying text messages and never quite seem to "get" it. Or who call her wanting to get into long phone conversations with her that don't lead anywhere and just take up her time.
If you aren't super suave, she's not going to know if you're going to be "normal" over the phone with her or not. So her entire judgment call comes down to how normal you've been in the interaction and how much she trusts you to maintain that normality once she gives you the power to call her.
Because remember, she's tied to her phone. Anyone who has her phone number can access her at any time and say anything to her.
And most women have had the experience of giving their phone numbers to a guy who seemed pretty normal, then became obsessed with them or went strange on them.
Want to get around this? Want to free the women you meet from having to ask themselves a giant unanswerable question ("Will this guy be normal or strange on the phone?") and instead make it really, really simple for them and easy to answer?
Then ask girls on dates, not for phone numbers.
It's much easier for a woman to decide if she wants to see you again than it is for her to decide if she wants you to have access to her via phone for the rest of eternity, so don't ask her for that latter one - ask her for the former.
Your goal in asking women for their phone numbers should be to always ask them about going out again first. This makes the phone number ask natural, and almost a second thought.
Because after all, if she does want to see you again, the two of you are going to need some form of long distance communication to coordinate that, right?
And now, we come to that all-important point: the one you've been waiting for - how to get a phone number from a girl.
You've got the psychology behind it down:
- Phone numbers aren't a big deal; you can get lots of them fast if you want to
- Women want confident men who've done this a lot (or seem like they have)
- You can keep yourself calm and collected by not overthinking things
- Getting things right is important for the downstream with a girl, too
And you've got the general setup under your belt:
- It's important to ask at the emotional height of an interaction, not a tail end
- The question of, "Can I get you number?" is a giant question women can't answer
- You can help a girl out (and get a lot more phone numbers) by making the question, "Would you like to see me again?" instead
Now all that's left is the technical stuff - the words, the actions, and the things you'll actually, you know, do.
How to Get a Phone Number the Easy Way
There's an easy way to get a girl's phone number, and we mentioned it above - simply ask her out first.
That goes like this:
You: [in conversation with her] ... wow, I can't believe you did that.
Her: I know, right? Well, I didn't have much choice... she was the meanest teacher I ever had!
You: [laughs] You don't say.
Her: How about you, did you ever have any really nasty teachers?
You: I did, you know what - [pause to change course] I'm probably going to have to take off soon, but I'd like to grab some food or a drink with you again sometime later this week or next. Would you like to do that?
Her: Yes, definitely.
You: Okay, awesome. Let me grab your phone number so we can coordinate.
This goes so much more smoothly and easily than the traditional, "Can I get your number?" line that most men throw at women you'll be blown away and amazed.
And the reason it works so well is in all the groundwork we've laid down earlier in the post:
- It makes the number not a big deal
- You ask confidently because you need it to set up the date
- It's a natural part of the conversation so you remain calm
- It's established correctly so things go better downstream with girls
- You ask at the emotional height, not a tail end
- You completely remove the question of, "Can I get your number?" altogether...
- ... and you make the question, "Would you like to see me again?" instead
Much easier, much more natural, and you'll have a close rate that's through the roof. You will almost never get a "no" to this once you've got some experience under your belt and you're executing it at the right time in the interaction and without any hesitancy or uncertainty, because it's essentially built on a yes ladder that leads directly to the phone number:
- Is she enjoying herself? Yes.
- Would she like to see you again and continue enjoying herself? Yes.
- Should she give you her phone number to see you again and enjoy herself? Yes.
The only thing you've got to do, other than follow this process, is give women a good enough experience in conversation with you (or elsewise) that they want to have an experience like that with you again.
And for that, we've got a number of great articles on here about conversation, including "The Art of the Deep Dive," "The Conversationalist," and a whole bunch more; and we've got Spellbinding, our program on having amazing conversations. Once you're following these and giving women amazing conversation, wanting to see you again is a given.
It's that easy.
But there's one other way you should know about... and it's a heck of a lot of fun.
The Two Minute Number Close
What if you are legitimately in a hurry trying to get somewhere, and you see a beautiful woman walking down the street... but you just don't have time to go get in a conversation with her?
Is she just a vision of beauty you will never get to know?
Not quite. There is something you can do.
That something is the 2-minute number close.
This is a more advanced technique than the one we just covered for
getting a girl's phone number. It's going to rely a lot more on your
ability to open well, convey a strong sense of presence and charisma
right away, and to be confident and self-assured while running day game.
But if you pull it off, you'll have a beautiful new woman's contact information in your hands (or, in your cell phone, more likely) in only a couple of minutes.
Here's how it works:
- You'll approach her, open her, and give your name
- You'll explain that you really wish you had a moment to talk to her, but you're in a hurry
- Then, you'll tell her to give you her phone number
- Finally, you'll finish that up by qualifying the ask so she doesn't feel it's too "easy"
And here's what it looks like:
You: [suddenly noticing and approaching her] Excuse me... I saw you walking here, and I just had to come tell you that you have the most stunning walk I've seen all day. I'm Chase.
Her: [a little surprised] Thank you - I'm Amelia.
You: Amelia, great to meet you. I'm in a big hurry, and I really can't stop and chat, but I saw you and I might never see you again and you might never see me again, and I think both our lives would be the poorer for it. So, I'll tell you what... [pause, take out your cell phone] I want you to tell me your phone number, and I'm going to call you and you'll have my phone number too. And sometime later this week I'll give you a proper call and we can talk on the phone and figure out then if you like me and I like you. And if we both like each other, maybe sometime we can meet. Okay, let me have your phone number.
Her: Okay - it's xxx.xxx.xxxx.
You: Great. I'll shoot you a text later so you have my number too. Wonderful meeting you, Amelia! I'm off!
You'll get girls who will politely refuse, and that's fine. But you'll also get girls who will give you their phone numbers, and you can call them later.
For these girls, you do need to properly call them on the phone. I mentioned in "How to Text a Girl" that I never make phone calls to women anymore. This is the exception. When you've got zero rapport built up with a girl, it's a lot more challenging to get her out for a date, so in this instance, when you've simply met a girl briefly and grabbed her number, you do need to actually talk to her on the phone.
The upshot though is that when you successfully pull off a ballsy move like the 2-minute number close, you get massive attraction from women.
Parting Thoughts on Phone Numbers
The first method we reviewed for asking a girl if she'd like to grab food or a drink with you before asking for a phone number is going to be your bread-and-butter phone number ask. It's the easiest way to get a phone number, it works in almost any situation, and it's extremely consistent and reliable.
The 2-minute number close is a special situation that you'll only use when you're reasonably advanced and when you're in a reasonable hurry - when, for instance, you're on your way to the airport, or to an important meeting.
Most of the time though, you'll be fine simply asking a girl if she'll join you out again later that week or the next, and then simply asking for her phone number so the two of you can coordinate. It's how you take something that most guys make a REALLY big deal... and turn it into a harmless detail that you simply need to wrap up before calling it a conversation.
If you've been sweating over how to get a phone number from that girl you like, you can stop sweating. All you need is a couple of minutes of conversation - then just ask her if she'd like to see you later on (remember not to be specific; if you ask her if she wants to see you on Thursday, she's probably got plans, so stick to general like "later this week or next week" - nailing down specifics is what the phone number is for), and grab her number.
And just like that, we took a daunting topic like how to get a girl's phone number and gave you the psychological underpinnings of what you're up against, the general setup of how to pull things off right, and the exacting techniques you need to grab a phone number from a girl in well night any scenario.
Not bad for a day's work, eh?
Until next time,