What to Do When a Girl Won't Go Home with You
Tuesday, 8 April 2014
A reader named Konstantin writes in:
“Hi Chase and the team!
I have read most of your articles, and especially those on moving fast and inviting her home. I have a question: it happened to me quite a few times now that I invite a girl home with me, and she gets ever so close to coming, but changes her mind at the last moment, and there's nothing I can do to change her mind back. Just tonight, actually, she was giving me some resistance, but got off the subway at the stop next to mine. But when "our" train was arriving, she suddenly said, once again, that she should go home, and after three "no"s I let her go. I knew for a fact that she liked me, but what did I do wrong that prevented that last push from happening? If you can answer that in a post or an email, that would be very much appreciated.”
Few things in seduction are quite as irritating as having a girl you’ve spent an hour or two or more talking to and working with and navigating around countless social obstacles bail on you 2 yards from the goal line.
It feels like you’ve been suckered... that whole night, which you had already checked off as “in the bag”, in an instant goes 180 degrees and becomes a fruitless night.
Most of the time, when you have a girl bail on you like this, you will never, ever hear from her again, either. You switch from being about to become lovers, and possibly entering into each other’s lives for a long time hereafter if you both really get along pretty well and want to keep seeing one another, to being a couple of strangers it didn’t work out with (and you’re some guy she “almost made a big mistake” with).
So what do you do when a girl won’t go home with you?
As we talked about in “Girl Changes Her Mind Too Much? Try This”, a woman may change her mind for a few different reasons:
- Something new in the environment has come to her attention
- Someone around her has given her pause to her course of action
- She’s realized something while filtering through her thoughts
When you’re leading women home, these are the most important things for you to guard against influencing those women.
Any one of them can throw a monkey wrench into the gears of your seduction.
However, the greatest danger you face is often neither environmental problems nor other people cockblocking you, but rather the women you’re trying to pull falling out of “the mood” and having cause to reconsider their planned dalliances with you – in other words, bullet number three in our list above.
It’s All About the Feeling
As a man, and especially as a student of seduction, until you reach the point where you’ve done it a hundred times already, the primary emotions you’re feeling when bringing girls home are not excitement and uncertainty and doubt and curiosity, but usually more nervousness and edginess and hopefulness and concentration.
While she’s focused on enjoying or doubting about what is to come, and trying to decide, again and again, if this is really what she wants, you are focused on trying to handle everything in a way that doesn’t push her over the fence in the wrong direction while still getting the two of you together alone somewhere that you can get intimate.
The actual pull itself is usually one of the most uncomfortable and challenging parts of the seduction, both for men and women.
Even most men who’ve been picking up a while are still only novices or intermediates at pulling, which means the women they pull will tend to have unfluid pulling experiences themselves (since the man sets the tone).
Because of this, it’s not too uncommon to see guys run a pickup perfectly and have the girl completely enamored with them, only for the mood to shift a few minutes into the pull and the girl abandons ship.
Men follow a decide, then follow through decision tree much of the time. If his emotions change, a man will often ignore this change and continue on down the path he’s put himself on, because achieving his objective is more important than keeping his emotions on a perfectly even keel at all times.
Yet, women follow a feel, then do decision tree normally. If a woman’s emotions change, she will alter her actions and the path she is on to match the emotion. That makes it a lot easier to steer and direct women than men if you’re a guy who understands emotions and knows how to work with them and bend them and control them, but maddeningly harder if you’re not... or if you encounter a situation in which you simply aren’t able to be the biggest emotional influence over the woman you’re with any longer.
What Happens During a Normal Pull
During a normal pull, a woman’s emotions are buzzing at the time of the pull, and then begin to fade and crumble during the pull, if things aren’t handled properly.
She’ll usually start off happy or excited to be leaving with you, knowing full well what’s likely to happen once you manage to get her alone with you (i.e., wild, kinky, steamy sex). That’s because you’ve done a good job with your interaction with her, you’ve sold her on you, and she’s riding an emotional crest with her emotions positioned near the top of the crest.
And then you go stand outside the club waiting for a taxi, while a bunch of other people stream out of the club and leer at you and catcall her or both of you and make her feel progressively uncomfortable.
Or you have to walk 20 minutes to your car or her car or your apartment, and her feet are uncomfortable during the walk from wearing her heels, and the night air and lack of throbbing bass slaps her like a call to wake up from that trance she was in, and without the smoky haze and strobe lights of the nighttime venue, you look more real and less ideal to her out here.
Or you step out of the café the two of you’d been eating and chatting at, and the conversation shifts from moody and intimate deep diving and exciting and titillating sexual frames over to bland and forced small talk that isn’t enough to keep her feeling what she was feeling in that café.
And at that point, ANY reservations
she has about sleeping with you all coming crash down onto her at once.
All at once, she realizes she doesn’t like your nose, or you
actually have a bit of a gut, or your jokes aren’t that funny, or your walk isn’t all that sexy.
That happens because her rational mind starts looking for reasons to talk her out of mating with you.
When she was there, in the moment, feeling the emotions, your nose, gut, jokes, or walk didn’t matter an ounce to her. They were off her radar. She saw them, of course, but they were irrelevant to the question of, “Should I mate with him?” because her emotions said “yes”, and she spent her time looking for your features that could reinforce that emotional decision, rather than undermine it.
Now, once she’s started feeling cooled off toward you emotionally, she’s begun to assess you from an increasingly logical point of view as a prospective mate.
And if you aren’t an insanely amazing mate package, or you let her stay too long in logical land, the odds your pull is a success are not so hot.
And then, the girl won’t go home with you, and will make up some excuse for why she can’t come instead.
But hey... it sure was nice meeting you.
To pull successfully, you need one of two things going for you (but, preferably both, if you can swing it):
You must logically be a good choice for short-term mating, and/or
You must emotionally make her desire very much a casual fling with you
Have neither, and you’ll fail every time you try and pull.
Have both, and you’ll be damn near unstoppable.
The Path of Logic
Being a logical good choice as a short-term mating option for a woman comes down to several things:
You must be very attractive to her
You must not have valid potential as a boyfriend candidate
She must be confident that sleeping with you will have no negative social effects for her
The first one, how attractive you are to her, is generally a mix of:
Your perceived levels of dominance
Your perceived level of preselection
Other important factors, like novelty (you’re a foreigner), throwing money around properly (conspicuous consumption), local fame or celebrity status (authority), you have ridiculously good looks or a great physique, etc.
Whether you are a type of man she has good prior sexual experiences with, or is curious about trying something sexual with
Whether you have logically piqued her interest in your sexual abilities and now she’s just curious to experience this
... or, in other words, overwhelmingly passive – this is mostly all stuff you can work on and improve, but during the moment of the pull, you’re either going to have good fundamentals or you aren’t; you’ll either have give yourself sexy biceps or accumulated money to throw around or you haven’t; you’ll either have rolled out with a group of admiring women providing you preselection or met some in the venue, or you’ll haven’t have done so.
The second point, that she must not see you as a boyfriend candidate, stems from:
How well you paint yourself as a lover, not a boyfriend or friend
Whether you have disqualified yourself as a boyfriend or not
Whether there are other peripheral things about you that have convinced her you aren’t boyfriend material (she knows you’re only briefly in town; some other girl came up and heavily flirted with you right in front of her; etc.)
This is one you have more control over in the interaction itself, but again, by the time you get to the pull, you’ve either established yourself as “not a boyfriend” or you haven’t – this one, too, is passive and decided by pull-time.
Finally, there’s the third factor, and that is her confidence levels that sleeping with you will NOT have any negative impacts on her reputation or social status. That comes from:
Showing her throughout the interaction that you will protect her reputation
Communicating to her that you are discreet and can promise discreet sex
- Continuing to demonstrate this throughout the pull and not
letting anything derail it
If you’ve communicated in any way that you are not discreet prior to the pull, or left her on the fence, chances are that if things get logical during your pull, she’s going to bail. So this is yet another one that is heavily dependent on how you set things up for yourself before you invited her home.
However, of the three factors, this is also the one you must watch out for the most during the pull, particularly when there are other people around, and those other people may want to make jokes or ask questions about what the two of you are planning to go do. One mistake or botched handling of this, and your night ends prematurely; one accidental miscommunication that your roommates or buddies are going to hear all about this one and this one isn’t even going to happen.
If you’re not sure how to deal with people interrupting you or trying to one-up or tool you, see these articles:
- Dealing with Disruptive Men
- Responding to Interruptions
- Trouncing Male Competition for Girls in the
... other than that, when it comes to anything you might say that’d paint you as indiscreet, here’s an easy solution: watch what you say while pulling. Don’t talk about ANYONE other than her and you – don’t talk about your friends, or her friends, or what people will think about the two of you hooking up, or anything along those lines. Many a noble attempt at humor has resulted in a girl changing her mind about hooking up with a man she was otherwise probably going to; don’t fall prey to a similar head-smack of a mistake.
If a girl won’t go home with you and it’s for logical reasons, and she’s in a logical mood, you’re usually going to be out of options here. Which is why, while it’s good to have your passive factors as tightened down as possible to minimize the odds that any logical objections push their ways through, the path you really want to take is...
The Path of Emotion
When a woman agrees to go home with you, and tentatively agrees to a possible sexual liaison, as is implicit in such an agreement, this almost never happens because she’s logically weighing the pros and cons of doing so.
Instead, it’s nearly always an emotional decision.
Now, having all your logical criteria for passing her logical “Do I really want to hook up with this guy?” questions is important, as you always want a backup plan in place (things never go exactly according to plan), and all of those things she examines logically also play some role in how she feels about you emotionally (frequently, a big role).
But if you want full control over the pull, you must manage the flow of emotions.
When a girl won’t go home with you, who previously was going home with you, it’s almost ALWAYS because the emotional bubble has “popped.” She was ready... she was willing... but then you brought her into a situation that spelled the demise of that mood she was in with you, and then she fell back on her logical criteria and you had a weakness someone that ruled you out as a short-term mate. “Actually, I don’t want to do this,” she said to herself.
At that point, tough break.
How do you keep emotions up?
Much of this is covered in “Pulling Women Home: The Secret to Watertight Pick Ups.” When and how you ask a woman home with you, and how sound your logistics are when you do so, are key to keeping things rolling smoothly during this most pivotal of transitions.
If you have excellent logistics – one example is meeting a girl at a party where you can easily sneak away into one of the bedrooms in the back with her and no one is the wiser – keeping things moving without any interruption to the emotional trajectory of the interaction is a snap. You can flow seamlessly from talking to her in the corner with your faces inches from one another’s and a crazy amount of sexual tension throbbing between you or dancing together in the middle of the authority and all but simulating sex out there to back into that bedroom getting intimate with one another without so much as a blip in the vibe.
Conversely, if you have terrible logistics – if it’s going to be an hour drive to your place, say, or you’re going to have to walk 30 minutes with a group of people who are going to be talking to her incessantly because they don’t get or don’t care that she’s trying to hook up, you’re almost certainly going to fall into logical mode, because trying to keep her in a certain mood while walking or driving, where you’re not giving her your undivided attention and she isn’t giving you hers, is all but impossible.
(some notable exceptions: sitting in the back of a bus or a taxi together, even for a long commute, you can still often keep the mood up, since the two of you can fully devote your attention to one another as neither has to focus on walking or driving)
How do you maintain the right mood through the pull if you don’t have good logistics?
Well, this is one where a bit of alcohol helps (not so much that she’s inebriated, but just enough that the most vocal of her inhibitions have been muted and she’s spending less mental energy revisiting previously-made decisions), as does being isolated in the pull – none of her friends saw the pull, and no one else is around to shake her out of the bubble you’re in as the two of you walk or drive. If you’re in the car, the right music can help – something matching the energy levels of the venue you’ve just left is ideal.
A partial list of things that can help a lot here:
- Excellent logistics
- Being able to devote full attention to one another during the pull
- A bit of alcohol in the blood to remove sexual inhibitions
- Being alone (just the two of you), vs. around friends or strangers
- Future-pacing her (i.e., telling her everything that’ll happen before it happens)
- Having talk that matches your attention (e.g., light banter while driving)
- Sorting any concerns she had before leaving (e.g., leave her car or bring it?)
- Leaving with her after getting strong buy-in from her first about doing so
- Leaving with her after she’s already firmly committed mentally to
None is a magic bullet, but the more of these you have together, the better able you are to maintain the right emotions throughout your pulls.
What to Do If a Girl Won’t Go Home with You?
Let’s say you’ve done the best you could with maintaining the vibe throughout the pull, and you’ve worked your tail off at turning yourself into a man women want to have casual flings with. But, nevertheless, the spell broke; she went logical; and she determined that, for whatever reason, you just aren’t someone she wants to hook up with.
“I have to go,” she tells you.
In this case – where a girl has decided she’s suddenly going to bail – you only have one realistic option: the hard push.
That’s something we’ve discussed several times on this site before, in these articles:
And it works like this: you simply continually insist – in pleasant, socially graceful ways – that she overrule her decision and come with you instead.
That goes like this:
[the two of you are riding in a taxi cab back to your apartment or hotel]
Her: Wait, that’s my building. I’m going to get out here.
You: [reacting quickly] We’re two minutes away. Just hang on.
Her: I should get to sleep now. We can have drinks another time.
You: We’re not going to have drinks another time if you jump out there now, and you know it. Just hold on, we’re almost there; a drink isn’t going to kill you.
Her: I think it’s probably better if I just head to bed.
You: You will head to bed, but first we’re going to have those drinks. We didn’t come 90% of the way here to bail out now, that’s just silly. Come on, we’ll be there in a minute.
Her: [to driver] Can you pull over here?
You: [she opens door] Wait – sit down for a minute! Shut the door [say this smiling and laughing, like she’s being completely ridiculous].
You: [she closes door] Okay, that’s better. Look, we’re a minute away, we’re going to have ONE drink, and then you can leave and get as MUCH sleep as you want. If you go now, the night is over, and there’s a good chance we never see each other again and who knows what could have happened. But if you come along now, you can kick back and sip on a drink and get to know me in a calm, relaxed environment and make your decision about whether I’m someone you’re glad that you know there.
Her: [thinking] ... Just one drink?
You: Unless you want to drink more. [laughs] Okay, just one! Unless you change your mind. But we’ll plan on one.
Her: ... Okay.
You: Cool. [to driver] It’s just up ahead down that way.
By the time a girl is ready to bail on you mid-pull, you’ve failed to maintain the emotional crest and she’s logically ruled you out as a hook up partner. The only way you reel her back is by handling her logical objections and soothing her emotionally while also drumming up scarcity.
That’s what the hard push does.
With the hard push, you work to overcome all of the logical objections she raises, while reassuring her that:
- It’s only for a few minutes
- She can leave any time she wants
- She’s obligated to do nothing but sit and chill with you
... and calling her attention to what’s invariably going to happen if she leaves:
You could be someone really special to her (which she knows may be true – after all, she liked you enough to stick with you the whole night and come with you now), but if she leaves she will probably never find out one way or the other, because
If she leaves now, the two of you almost certainly won’t meet again (she’s had this experience before; she knows it’s true)
The constant refrain of the hard push is:
Handle her objections +
Remove the perceived pressure of the pull from her emotionally +
Reinforce scarcity by forcing her to realize that she cannot put off deciding on you into the future; she is deciding now, and she will lose you if she bails
And unless you’ve just completely messed up and killed her attraction for you or sent her deep into auto-rejection, she’s more often than not going to comply.
Prevention vs. Cure
Running a hard push successfully to save an interaction that seemed to be on the rocks for sure is a real rush, and it can make you feel like a champ. It’s great being able to turn around a pull that was in the throes of death, and turn it into one that resulted in you and a girl you like having a really wonderful, memorable night together.
However, if you’re having to do this too much, you should take this as a sign you need work in other departments. Having too many pulls fail on you means that you’re slipping up both with maintaining emotions and passing muster as a logically desirable hook up partner.
Usually that means you need better logistics and tighter fundamentals. It can also just mean you need more experience pulling... if you get at all clunky or uncomfortable during pulls, that can tank both her emotional and logical opinions of you in a hurry, and most guys are clunky and uncomfortable when they’re still fairly new to pulling.
One good advantage of using the hard push a few times during pulls is that it makes you a LOT more confident and ballsier during your pulls, because you know you’ve got a backup for your backup plan... if emotions fail, and logic fails, you’ve still got your emergency hammer you can break the glass and grab hold of.
But, most importantly, seek to get your pulling down so fluidly that you never have to break that glass. Because breaking the glass doesn’t always work... but a fluid pull in which no glass need be broken nearly always does (simply because it never reaches that “emergency turnaround needed” stage).
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