Tough Time Socially in College? Here's What to Change
There are a lot of expectations and fears clashing with each other when you reach college, and it is easy to get lost in what just comes easiest socially, romantically, and sexually.
But what is the approach you must take to open your mind and achieve some great results and memories while there?
The most common approach to socializing, fraternizing, and dating in college is a “build it and they will come” philosophy, or “let us wait and see”, because we expect things to magically change and don’t want to rely on who we are because “like always” there is a greater risk involved in taking initiative due to the perceived separation it creates from you (the action taker) and others (the majority of people doing what the majority does, following the same wait and see approach).
And if you are
separate from the people around you, “how can you capitalize on the
social abundance that is
talked about?” you wonder.
Detachment and Wait and See
Your instincts telling you to wait and see what happens rather than to take a more active approach are partly right, but, as instincts are often confused and muddled, in the case of getting the best out of your college experience instincts only give you HALF of the STARTING POINT.
The problem with running off “playing it safe” is that the half of that starting point that instincts cover naturally is kind of negative... it is the downside of the starting point, rather than the upside. Your instincts and fears are saying “there is a danger of detachment, there is a danger of getting what you always got [little to nothing], so let’s just wait and see if college gives us anything for free.”
It isn’t terrible to just wait and see; I mean, you have a lot of ambient social and sexual activity going on around you in college and there are chances that you will get swept up in some of it, but there is also a flipside to that coin: you might get swept along and just not know what to do. It is the directionless feeling that follows the decision to wait and see that causes us the greatest trouble.
“Wait and see” is lacking the strength integral for succeeding with girls and for mustering / corralling / summoning up the ability to TAKE BACK control of your direction.
What Your Instinct Didn’t Tell You
The other half of stepping up to the college experience that your instincts never mentioned to you is the positive side, or the common sense we overlook because we are too star-struck to know how to take initiative without risking “detachment” or separation from the flow of the crowd.
The common sense overlooked by emotion and fear is a crucial part of really taking back control of your own destiny, because once you see the opportunities of college for what they ARE (like... memorable times with hot college girls), then you can make a shot at taking advantage of them.
College has some great objective pros (it has some cons which I will show in a moment):
You are finally outside of previous entanglements and girls are looking at you without a past
You are part of a group that is targeted as an abundant source of sexual and social energy
No one is really expecting you to do what you are told as tightly as usual
You are expected to have a very fluid schedule and undefined goals
There are tons of things happening, and the girls and guys are generally BEHIND on the social and sexual curve and struggling to find great ways to get experience
You can blend into crowds, make friends, and lose sight of land and presumably end up anywhere
It has some real cons too:
Some social structures still suck and are clung onto (but in vain, because the college idea makes rigid social structures not the source of power)
You are likely to be objectified and as a result fall quickly into being used or forgotten if you aren’t light-footed (just don’t expect to lay out all your emotions and insecurities and you’ll be alright)
Flakes are everywhere (you just have to be more spontaneous)
The pervasive “supremacy” of these scenes are... haha... misguided. Despite the propaganda, college girls and guys are not at the top of ANY ladder socially or sexually, so if you fall into the trap of believing they are, you will lock yourself down to mediocrity
There are plenty of dumb people and assumptions floating around (it’s totally fine if you know how to handle it, but for some people it can ensnare them and be a time and energy waster)
If you want to take initiative with all this in mind, consider this:
Abundance (of women, and opportunities) – is a huge advantage
Lowered guards – is an advantage if you avoid snags and traps
I look at college as one HUGE arena. Yes girls are going to reject you, talk to other guys, etc., but they are only really going to red flag you if you are annoying. And because of the abundance, it works against you to be annoying anyways (you can’t go up to a huge group and think you can talk to everybody, you just do the best you can, when you think it is reasonable). So college is basically one great big test of your outcome independence.
Take initiative, be outcome independent, forget the fear of detachment and “wait it out” strategies, and get off to a running start!
The Starting Point: How to Create a New Identity
Yes there is great potential in action, but after realizing this, how do you avoid falling into self-pity?
Well as I said at the start, the above common sense and understanding of your reservations is only the starting point. The next steps actually involve an internal process that allows you to face the truth without reverting to the fear and passivity that has claimed your past. It means to go beyond your old identity rather than to rub salt in the wound.
Often guys, when faced with the choice between a new self and an old one, choose to harass others and themselves with the problems of the past and make them into an incurable excuse to not act into and throughout the future.
Bitterness, angst, and self-segregation follow as we snare ourselves into an ego cocoon and boil away like a soup until we “don’t care about advantages of college anymore”.
It’s not a pretty picture and the result is that you wake up years later thinking “WTF happened to me?! Where did my college experience go!!?” I call this paying for independence with spite, and all it does is waste your time with the ILLUSION of control.
To actually take up your new identity you need to defeat this self-pity parade; you need to realize that no matter how much it might go against you, you MUST act with common sense, and not sabotage yourself with distractions of self-pity, trying to heal an abstract and distant past.
Resolve to not be that guy – the guy with all those issues; aim instead to take on the challenge no matter what it is and step forward with generosity and an open mind, and cut the safety line.
If we jump without the rope (our past) whilst we cannot escape our fears, we also cannot detach from the opportunities that come from our environment. So by leaving your past behind as you move forward, you will cure the fear of detachment from society that lingers in your instincts, and you will be able to move forward as a new you and start making the best of college.
So you’ve made the leap? You’ve left self-pity behind, and you see the objective advantages of the reality all around you. It is now that you must make some victories and avoid falling into self-pity ever again. You must find your version of hope.
Some struggles include:
Girls still not understanding what your deal is
People not knowing who you are or you having any connections
You not being sure if it “worked” and needing a way to tell
People looking at you strange (in your own mind because you feel different, and expect them to notice, but they don’t really. It’s okay though, they aren’t meant to)
You carrying over flaws from before and them still sabotaging you, even more so now that you don’t have them hidden behind self-pity
The key here is to adopt a more general mindset, be less about trivialities and absolutes, and adopt a more flexible outlook that spots and absorbs good mindsets as they come up.
When you absorb enough mindsets and internalize a nice attitude that is active regarding the benefits of college and not trivial/self-pitying/etc. then you can really focus on each and every opportunity with mindfulness.
Mindfulness is the key to initiative in college, and if you achieve it, it can change your life. The reason it is so useful is that it neatly solves the fear we started with when starting college: “If I don’t wait and play along, my expectations of college won’t come true”.
College, just like any other place, only has ADVANTAGES; it cannot deliver anything right into your lap, and learning that lesson is tough if we think we are going to lose everything by understanding it.
However, when you are mindful of the opportunities and advantages of college, this will naturally combat the fears that make you hide and try to “ride it out”, because it becomes apparent that without participation and taking the reins you will leave all those opportunities on the table rather than have the courage to step up to the task and seize the day.
In the end, if the new you is someone who seizes the day rather than stews away holding onto the past, that is something to truly embrace going forwards in life.
We can’t always get what we want…
But we can give it the best we’ve got.
While college isn’t a wonderland where everything is fascinating and easy, that doesn’t mean you should give up on it. That doesn’t mean you should expect it to be “oh so easy”.
It looks like everyone is having more fun, is cooler than you, is having an easier time of it, but don’t ever fall into that envious blame game, because where there is abundance for others there is always opportunity for you too.
Opportunity is out there to be seized, and college is a great cushion helping you break free from the past and become mindful of who you are being.
Let us be awesome.
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