One of the things I always look to guide men out of doing, whether I’m coaching them in-person or advising them via phone or Internet or just writing stuff for them to read, is being the entertainer. I touched on this a bit in Acting With Intent and Faux Pas of the Sociaux Nouveaux, and I really ought to write a proper post devoted mostly to this, but the problem in a nutshell with being the entertainer is that you get a lot of false positives.
The entertainer often thinks he’s getting somewhere with a woman because she’s laughing and seems receptive, but he’s only keeping her entertained until a more sexual man comes along and sweeps her off her feet (and into his bed). And for the purposes of this post, I want to define that sexual man a little bit better – specifically, as the much clichéd, but well-known for good reason, Strong, Silent Type.
The strong, silent type; one of those archetypal kinds of men women are said to swoon for. The sexiest men in the movies, if you pay attention, are always of this type. Actors like Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Characters like James Bond, or Wolverine of the X-Men. The kind of men that fascinate and intrigue audiences, and titillate female viewers. People – and women, in particular – are just drawn to them.
You see it in real life, too. Just yesterday I attended a business lunch attended by people from all over the world. I took a seat next to a beautiful blonde German girl with curly hair and a Master’s degree in Finance; on my left sat a tall, charming American man who’d been traveling the world as an entrepreneur for a decade. I spoke with the American initially and made friends with him, then spent most of the lunch making conversation with the German girl. I spoke about myself very little, and led her to doing much of the talking. Not as easy as it usually is, as she was fairly reserved, but after ten or so minutes she would regularly reengage me after any interruption to our conversation.
At some point in the lunch, the American man to my left decided to make a play for the German girl, and jumped into our conversation. He then proceeded to talk about himself almost non-stop for a good five minutes: what countries he’s visited, what he does as an entrepreneur, all kinds of really rather interesting things. But the conversation just felt quite awkward, because it was obvious he was more or less giving the German girl his romantic résumé. After I gave the German girl’s other suitor a chance to thoroughly dig his own proverbial grave, I casually returned to conversation with her, ending the American guy’s conversation about himself, and visibly relieving Miss German. She was much happier to be talking and flirting with me.
But the American guy who interrupted us wasn’t a bad guy. He wasn’t weird or creepy. His stories and life were actually quite interesting, and he was really a none-too-shabby conversationalist when it came to small talk. He was quite good, actually. He was very comfortable and calm and relaxed in his tone and mannerisms, and he was sociable enough, for sure. But, his problem was, he talked too much. Talked too much about himself, talked to much about other stuff… just talked too much in general.
That was his fatal flaw. That was the number one reason why he wasn’t able to take my German girl’s attention off of me and pull it onto himself. He didn’t deep dive, he didn’t screen and qualify, he didn’t have the girl do anything to engage him or keep his attention. He just went off into these tangents of talking about himself, and it wasn’t attractive or sexy or mysterious or intriguing. It was, despite his good content and his best effort to impress, just rather boring.
So, the German girl came back to me. Me, the guy who’d told her little about himself, but to whom she’d told much already. Her strong, silent guy.
This is one of the big things I try to get guys to take note of. Talking more does not get you girls – getting them talking more does. It’s crucial.
The more you tell a woman about yourself, the less intriguing and mysterious she’ll find you. But, the more a woman tells you about herself, the more connected to you she’ll feel.
Tell a woman less about yourself, and preserve mystery and intrigue. Have her tell you more about herself, and ramp up her feeling of connectedness to you.
Seems simple, right? Talk less yourself, and have her talk more. Boom, instant boost in attraction that just keeps going higher and higher. But most men do the opposite of this, over and over again. They just talk and talk and talk and talk. Talk non-stop. They fill a conversation with their own voice.
I’m not 100% sure why this is, but I have a theory. My theory is that most men aren’t really sure what to do, so they figure if they talk enough and throw enough impressive facts about themselves out there to the girl they’re talking with, eventually they’ll kind overwhelm her with impressiveness and she’ll automatically swoon. Like, they kind of muscle her into liking them by hitting her over the head with enough tales of their feats and accomplishments.
Needless to say, this is completely opposite to the way attraction actually works. Attraction is not some kind of job application where you just go present your facts and accomplishments and may the best résumé win. Attraction works best when the woman you’re talking to is working hard to impress and attract you.
This is why women like men who are strong and silent. When a woman has to do more of the talking, and has to work a little harder to get to know you, she becomes the one driving the interaction, putting in more effort, and chasing you.
My girlfriend calls me “Bond Guy”, because, well, one, she saw me dressed in a very cool designer suit I had custom-made for myself recently, and probably also because I’m a globe-trotting adventurer with a history of seduction and the occasional run-in with the law. But the other reason she calls me this is because I’m a guy who doesn’t show his cards; I don’t talk much about myself or my past, and I don’t talk much about my plans for the future. I’m a big question mark for her – and she finds it incredibly exciting.
And before you tell me that only some women are that way, this is a girl with a very conservative background, who’d only been with two men before me, each of whom she had long-term relationships with, and who has a top-flight professional career and is in the process of securing her Master’s degree.
All women like the strong, silent type. It’s a universal trigger for attraction buried deep in a woman’s brain.
I’m a guy who loves to talk, and has a million stories to tell. So if I can tone myself down enough to become a strong, silent guy, I’m quite confident anyone reading this article can too. It just takes a little time, a little patience, and a little discipline.
Get her talking more. And get yourself talking less. Both she and you will be glad you did.