Secrets to Getting Girls: Better Than Jerk


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Some guys are just jerks. And they’re fine with that. They think it’s the right way to get girls – it’s far better than being a nice guy, they’ll tell you. And who can argue with that? Nice guys finish last.

Me? I almost lost the most amazing woman of my life thus far before I ever got her because I was a jerk.

A little over four years ago, I pulled a really thoughtless, jerk move on my first date with a girl I really liked. It’s not important what I did, though I should note that at the time, it felt relatively minor to me, but it was major to her, and as a result, she completely cut me off following it. No answers to my phone calls or texts. No emails. No nothing. The only way I turned it around was because we were already heading off overseas on the same tour, and I put in a Herculean effort there abroad to turn things around with her.

Had it not been for that tour we were both already booked for, where we were all but forced to spend time around each other for eight days, I doubt I ever would’ve seen or heard from her again. Instead, I somehow managed to right a sunk ship, and went on to have an amazing 2 ½ year relationship with an amazing woman that helped me grow in ways I could hardly have imagined.

But because I was a jerk, I almost missed that. I came this close to missing that.

When men start learning seduction, they tend to realize what a terrible mistake they made in their nice guy days – back when they kissed up to women, catered to them, and basically let women walk all over them. Those days were no good, they realize. So, they vow to never repeat the same mistake again, and they veer off in the entirely other direction – they become jerks.

And make no mistake, a jerk has an infinitely better chance of finding success with women than a nice guy does. At least a jerk isn’t weak and supplicating, like a nice guy is – a jerk is a man women know actually respects and values himself. If forced to choose between a nice guy who caters to her every whim, making her feel bored and resentful, and a jerk who ignores her and belittles her, making her feel excited and resentful, the majority of women will choose the latter.

Jerks aren’t great, but they’re better than nice guys. But lots of men think being a jerk is the be-all and end-all. It’s not.



Why Men Become Jerks

To a man learning how to get girls interested in him and pursuing him, the markedly improved results he sees with the opposite sex from being a jerk can seem like magic. He makes cocky jokes and remarks, acts like he could care less about women, and makes himself out to be the best thing to happen to womankind since sliced bread. He’s loud, arrogant, and full of himself – and suddenly, all those women who ignored him before, when he was a soft, compliant nice guy, seem to have perked up and taken interest. It’s like he’s walking on water.

Being a jerk is by and large a necessary step in learning the proper way to interact with women. Unless a man is of that incredibly rare breed that already has exactly the right mindset regarding girls, he’s going to need to go through a transition period where he acts rude, self-centered, and abrasive.

The problem that a lot of men have, though, is that they never seem to move beyond the jerk phase. They stay cocky, arrogant, and self-centered forever. It gets them decent-enough results with women, they reckon – so why change?



The Genuine Man

There’s another kind of man, though, who’s different from both nice guys and jerks. He’s a man who is kind and thoughtful toward others, but self-possessed and not a suffering servant by any means. He thinks highly of himself and is incredibly confident and secure in his capabilities, but he remains modest and expresses his expertise in the subtlest ways, eschewing the ways of the braggart and the showboat. And rather than the weak, needy way of the nice guy, or the abrasive, in-your-face way of the jerk, the genuine man carries about himself an air of warmth, inclusion, and kept-in-reserve power and strength.

Genuine men are haltingly rare finds. If I had to rank men in society by percentage, I’d rank them like this:

Nice Guys: 70%
Jerks: 27.5%
Genuine Men: 2.5%

That’d be my rough guess, just based on the characteristics of the men I meet. The number of nice guys out there might actually be a bit higher – I imagine a lot of them stay home and don’t go out as much, so the men I meet out and about in life may be slightly more skewed toward the more outgoing and confident jerks. But for some rough numbers to work with, these ought to suffice.

Now, it’s important to keep in mind that within these categories, there are men of varying levels of ability with women. So there are plenty of men who are jerks and can’t get girls to save their lives. And there are men out there who are genuine men, but don’t genuinely know a whole lot about women.

But if you take a jerk and a genuine man with equal amounts of ability with women, the genuine man will almost always win in a head-to-head competition. Why? Because the genuine man has all the strengths of a jerk, and none of his weaknesses.



Breaking the Hold of the Jerk

Being a jerk can almost be a little addictive. It feels powerful to be a jerk – most people (nice guys, and most women) buckle in the face of a jerk’s challenges. And those few who don’t (genuine guys, genuine women, and stronger jerks) are easily written off as not being worth one’s time. Meh, who cares about that guy, I’ve got a million other people in my life who love me!

What you begin to realize as you examine the jerk’s actions is that many of them violate the Law of Least Effort (bragging, showboating, efforts to tool others or make them look bad or inferior, attempts to position oneself socially) and many others are lacking in any real social calibration (like coming in too high energy for another individual or group of individuals, or trying to force a conversation toward a certain topic when it’s moving in a different direction). Jerks have some serious flaws in their approach.

What’s more, jerks are rather off-putting to people who have a higher degree of social experience and calibration, and are ignored and marginalized by the most able and successful members of society. Jerks aren’t welcome in polite society. They don’t survive there long. They have a longer life expectancy among such a crowd than pushover nice guys do, but not by much.

The problem with jerks is the same as the problem with nice guys: they’re both on the extremes. Nice guys are big pushovers; jerks spending all their time pushing (or trying to push) others around.

Genuine men, on the other hand, gently but firmly guide the world around them and the people around them in the direction they want. They are assertive in pursuing what they want, but are mindful of others and others’ emotions, and do what they need to do to build alliances and good will. While jerks are often in such a big hurry to show themselves off that they steamroll others along the way, genuine men seek to get others to do their building up and showing off for them. While jerks are busy trying to climb the social ladder, genuine men are throwing down a hand to help others reach the top.

Here are some traits to look for that are signature jerk traits; if you see these traits in yourself, I strongly recommend you get vigilant about stamping them out:

  • Inconsiderateness. Do you answer your phone in the middle of a close one-on-one conversation? Do you text in front of people when it’s just the two of you? Do you fail to pay attention when someone is telling you something important? Do you forget to show appreciation for kind things people do for you? All these are signs of inconsideration, and need to be amended where present.
  • Posturing. Do you ever say anything that could possibly be interpreted as, “My XYZ is bigger / better / more important than [his / hers / theirs / its]”? If so, you’re doing posturing – knock it off. Women respond far better to men who seem to ooze value from their pores (work on your fundamentals) than they do to men who have to tell them about it.
  • Coldness. Do people ever call you selfish? It has little to do with how much you actually give or don’t give – and everything to do with how willingly you seem to give the things you give. If a man gives a little, but gives it willingly, he’ll be thought of as far warmer and more thoughtful than a man who gives much, but gives it grudgingly.

Those should be good to get you started off on the right foot. Just remember that being a jerk is only one step on the road to success. Too many men get caught up thinking it’s the destination, when it’s not.

Become a genuine man. Women will like you more, and pursue you more, than you can possibly imagine, once you make it to genuine man status. And if I had to pinpoint how I saved things with that amazing woman once they were on life support four years ago, I’d tell you that it wasn’t that I reverted to being a nice guy, or that I succeeded in spite of being a jerk. Rather, I’d tell you that on that trip abroad, I figured out how to do a good enough job of making myself into a genuine man that I won her back over, and freed myself at last to embark upon a remarkable journey with a remarkable girl.

Being genuine kicks some serious (jerk) butt.

Chase Amante

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Comments

Thesecond's picture

In my experience, jerks get


In my experience, jerks get better results with women. They may turn off some women as you did and be annoying in polite society but there's a large subset of women who absolutely adore them.

Jerk alpha> kind alpha in terms of getting pussy.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: In my experience, jerks get

Author

Howdy Second,

Might be you just met objectively stronger / more dominant jerks than you did kind guys? A woman'll go for the stronger guy, all other things being equal, and what you see is that the strongest warm-hearted guys tend to thrash the strongest jerks at the upper echelons.

Can be tough to find legitimately genuine, cool guys who are also really strong guys, but the combination tends to decimate the jerks.

Example: where I went to school about 5 1/2 years ago, I happened to know two really jacked, tall linebackers for the school football team. One of the guys was a complete dick, and the other guy was pretty genuinely warm with people, though still with an air of strength and aloofness and intimidation around him. Whenever I'd run into these guys in the nightclub, the guy who was a dick would always be busy being a dick to everyone, and he'd usually be by himself (occasionally he'd have an okay-looking gal with him). The guy who was genuinely cool though would usually have somewhere between one and three stunning women on his arm, and he'd still smile and greet you and everybody he knew who was coming around and be cool and chat with you for a few minutes, before going about his business.

Anyway, when you think of "kind alpha," don't think of a guy who's kind of strong but kind of a pushover. Think instead of George Clooney, Sean Connery, etc. Genuine, warm, but still strong, charismatic, vaguely intimidating, things of that nature.

Best,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

I would go further - I would


I would go further - I would say that being a jerk, while stronger than being nice, is weaker than being a strong nice guy because NEEDING to *show off* carries with it a whiff of weakness in that you need others reactions.

Thats why you see jerks with the pretty but not great girls but never with the hottest girls. Sure, they are stronger than nice guys, but they are still kind of weak compared to the upper limits, so they never do that well.

But for guys who are genuinely weak and are terrified of reverting to their super-weak days of being a nice guy, they just cant see past jerk. Thats why youll see lots of ppl defending the jerk model.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Jerks needing to show off

Author

Hey Anon-

This is a great insight; I hadn't actually thought of it like that, but that's the conclusion that naturally stems from looking at jerk behavior, yeah. The guys who're being jerks are doing it because they're putting on a song and dance routine for anyone who's paying attention: "Hey, look how badass I am!" they seem to say.

Shrewd observation, brother.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

A missing link


Hi Chase,

I been reading your blogs on/off for the past year. The one thing I noticed in some of your articles is that you do a really good job at prefacing your argument, providing examples, but at times I feel you don't finish your thought. This could possibly be a time constraint.

In this example, you presented your argument in a very logical manner. We would all agree that being a nice guy gets you nowhere, and a jerk is the polar opposite.

However, you basically told us the traits and attributes of a jerk that you shouldn't do, but you haven't highlighted the jerk qualities that should be kept.

It's very difficult for someone who doesn't always read all your articles to understand the full point you are trying to make. By the time they click the embedded links you're using for search engine optimization, your initial point could be lost already from reading all the other related articles.

We know what a nice guy is, what a jerk is, but after reading the article I can't say for sure I understand what a genuine guy entails.

James's picture

curious


I was lead here by a series of links from another article. given your intent focus on minimal effort/ maximal efficiency throughout the site, I was wondering what lead you to make the herculean effort to turn things around with the girl mentioned at the start of the article. I would imagine you'd tell most of us not to do the same if we emailed for advice.

Not knowing the outcome, would you do it again?

Anonymous's picture

genuine man


Is a genuine guy described in the How to be a Gentleman article or is the concept different?

Anonymous's picture

Trying


Trying.. so hard.. not to be a loud, pompous, self-absorbed asshole in group situations. I just can tell it makes people laugh and actually relaxes the situation when there are a lot of men who are too timid to talk. What is an alternative for a genuine man? Trying to get one of those shy dudes to speak up by asking him about himself? Just ignoring the group and deep diving with a woman at the table? This is a daily lunchroom issue.

Michael (from the boards)'s picture

^Like


Wish I could like this comment.

Michael (from the boards)'s picture

So what does a genuine guy do?


If the signature traits of the jerk are Inconsiderateness, Posturing, and Coldness; what are the signature traits of the genuine guy?

davidsto's picture

I think you got the right


I think you got the right problem but understood it the wrong way.

My theory is that a jerk is successful because he's stinking confidence. And that a lot of people think they have to be a jerk to get girls, where the important thing really is to be confident.

When you're talking about genuine guys, it's just talks about a confident kind of guy who ditched the jerk attitude. Because yeah, you don't need to be a jerk to get girls, you just need to be confident.

You're welcome.

lucifer's picture

Two things


Hey Chase,

Good re-reading some of your old stuff :).

I was wondering two things:

1. THE JERKISH MOVE
yes, outlining what was "that jerkish thing" you had done might be irrelevant in the greater scheme of things, but still it would help people learn what a classical "jerk" action would be;

2.GROWING WITH THE AMAZING WOMAN
I know it's offtopic, but when I read you grew so much with that girl I can't help but becoming so curious: how can a woman help you so much that you couldn't have done by yourself?

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