The Conversationalist | Girls Chase

The Conversationalist

Conversation and the conversationalist: probably one of the most under-discussed topics in the social arts. What a pity. Conversation is part of the backbone upon which everything related to socializing is built upon, but in the 21st century that’s almost forgotten. You might go so far as to say that the art of the conversationalist is a vanishing art.

conversationalist

In this day and age of sound bites, quick blurbs of news, and friends and acquaintances using social media to spit out short, tepid, meaningless quips about their days and feelings and whatever else springs to mind and gets unloaded out on the uncaring and overburdened ears of the Internet, being a good conversationalist is a rare thing. Being someone who is able to deftly move from topic to topic, keeping a conversation flowing effortlessly and breezily forward, diving into the depths of another individual’s personal life and concerns, then coming back up for air with a bit of laughter and lightheartedness before things get too heavy, then diving back down again to find out more about this person you’ve met just an hour ago than his or her closest family members know… this is what the lost art of being skilled in conversation is all about.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Lau'Ram'Bo's picture

Pimp article, so detailed and very beneficial. This would
be a strong force to be reckon with, connecting with anybody in general.
Especially since they really love talking about themselves.
When crack the glass barrier of theirs.
I never thought of this, I try not talking about myself much anyway.
But it breaks it down in more vivid details, to me. Thanks for another
self improvement post.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lau'Ram'Bo, you're quite welcome. Thanks for your kind words, and thanks for commenting!

Chase

teakroy's picture

Thanks for sharing this precious information on the internet,for many years i study to atract girl and other things,in a world that competion is very tough,i think you are the best ,
you have a good way to describe emotional feelings that you feel at that time when you was building your mentality ,focus and anticipation of others .
:)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Teakroy, thanks for the praise, and you're quite welcome!

Cheers,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

"By way of an example, people ask me what I’m doing write now, I tell them I’m traveling and finishing my first book."

>write now
>finishing first book

lol'd

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Argh. Good catch -- corrected. So much for me being a grammarian...

Chase

Jeremy's picture

hi chase your articles are amazing I have been working on myself for about a year now and I am starting my journey the thing i wanted to ask you is how do you deep dive? I know how it works and all but i still don't get how to apply it will you help me out?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Jeremy,

How do you deep dive? Ah man, it's one of those things that's easy to show, but not so easy to describe. Like trying to teach how to ski or how to shoot a basketball.

My best articles on understanding deep diving are here:

Those should give you a pretty solid start.

I'm also releasing a video series at the end of this month that really breaks down deep diving and conversational technique into easy-to-use and easy-to-understand basics and shows how to use them. So I might recommend checking that out too if you want to really pick the skill up in a hurry.

Hope this helps, brother!

Best,
Chase

kkwickweezy's picture

Wow i am very happy I found this site. You do have a suave way with words. Very intelligent way of thinking. But it seems to me like you make out every conversationalist to be a good person who empowers or light houses people. I personally know good conversationalist but they are all fake and cheat on there girlfriends using there suave skills to 1. lie to there girlfriends and 2. get girls on side. They are my friends however, and obv I side with them and dont judge or look at them differently because to each his own..but they use woman and are the type to not really care what women are saying but they deep dive into there emotions for there pleasure. Me, I want to learn from you and I hope ur skills can help me if I really try because I am lonely and have always been. The love of my life, or so I thought just walked out on me about 8 months ago.. and it has been tuff. only my second girlfriend ever go figure im 24..But you give me hope. I want to be a good person and help others feel good thru converstation, however I also want to learn how to talk to girls an sway them into liking me as well.. but i am loyal to every1. If I can start learning these skills and inturn start making girls chase me I would be happy but if I did find that 1 that i felt was a keeper i would never cheat on her.. just saying.. anyways, I just started reading your work and so far I feel more positive in the fact that I believe I have a chance now thru your guidance. Thanks

chyeahsir's picture

From Dave Carnegie and yourself, I've heard "people love talking about themselves" which is great advice and insight. My question is what happens when 2 conversationalists meet? I imagine a black hole forming. If they keep talking about the other person it falls into an infinite loop asking about the other...well maybe this would only happen if 1/7 points existed and the other 6 points shoot this problem away.

Michael Swan's picture

It may be my execution, but I found two weaknesses I personally have using just this technique.

1. The conversation tends to get little interview:y, especially when the point2 arises and you need to ask more questions.

2. Sometimes target doesn't really have much to say. Why are you studying xxx / what are your passions in life? "I don't know"

Maybe it comes to the calibration and the target herself, but the 20% / 80% thing, i'm unsure how it works with certain kind of targets, I feel like spicing it up with something might be better for the overall vibe / spark.

May I ask how much do you use this method with "stupid" targets, do you perhaps balance the conversation by telling stories or other playful pua:ish stuff, then shuffle back to this or is it just deep dive?

Thanks, love your theory about the attraction window/time frame!

seank's picture

I think your article is pretty impressive and probably one of the most interesting things I've seen on your site, I've got to confess Im not huge on the picking up of girls but 6 months ago I could barely talk to my bros let alone girls. I think one important thing you left out is phonetics. I found being able to talk was linked directly to how well I could read and write. I began writing a diary and doing reflexive poetic exercises where Id write the first things coming into my head was very very helpful not in the subject matter but the presentation of my conversations.

Anonymous's picture

great articles man, especially this one, although I really liked your article on focusing on results and not reactions, I am a sucker for that one as I usually focus to be an entertainer at social events with my friends or by myself; incredibly enlightening man, I thank you for that....

anyways, this is the fifth one I've read tonight. I feel like I've had some of these conversationalist points down since I was in middle school. I'm the type of guy who doesn't talk much but loves listening to people; is emotionally-detached but has a obvious amount of empathy for others, and I have a close knit of friends who highly respect each other because we each have passionate personalities (I've actually never stuck to one group and would always drift to different ones and would never get close to anyone - loner lol but I guess it paid off in the end now that my peeps say my group is fun to hang out with).. One thing I noticed in some of your other articles is that you're very analytically and actively observant especially in the social world. I'ts pretty crazy finding out that theres another person with a similar psychological background like yours in a different part of the world. Makes me excited to just get out there and meet people now =) although obviously you are more successful than I am in terms of women and life experiences - I've barely turned 21 and am fairly new to even entering dive bars.. There are many others like your website that I've read and delved upon but yours is as realistic, practical, and innovative as it gets; simply, I dig it haha. Just wanted to say you give hope man and to many others like me out there and I thank you for that.

I cant remember half of the things I wrote above but hopefully it makes sense. Will keep reading your other articles, maybe save some money to buy your book later ;) Keep it up!!!

Anonymous's picture

so what exactly do you do when they're vague about responses? Like:

me: so what made you go into the field you did?
her: ohhh i don't know haha

does this mean she's not interested?

Wesley's picture

Hey Chase, just wanted to say that i am so very thankful for this blog. I just ran into it a couple days ago and i've read so much. Everything seems so obvious now and i couldn't have run into it at a more perfect time. i just graduated high school a few months ago (which were the hardest four years of socializing in my entire life...i could not get past the superficial with anyone) and now i'm beginning to see improvements with everyone, not just the ladies. Girls are asking to spend time with me now!

Anonymous's picture

ur different, lol, ur scary good, i posted on dominance... i know, im scary good, and u sound like me, albeit with different motivations, but u get ppl, at a very deep level... ive had over 500 5 hr convos with strangers... lol, heard ur the first person ive told, too many times, occasionally meeting you prevented me from suicide, u changed my life is common... i literally, had 7 hr convo today, 2 hr few days ago, lol, im addicted to conversation, and ppl make it hard, they get hooked too... ppl love to self disclose, and the more u see, the less ur surprised... ppl fish for non-verbal cues that they can self disclose... and when they're there... they let it all out, ppl become addicted to finally being allowed to be open... in a way, ur addictive... because ur vicarious experiences open the realm of realistic and valid viewpoints to endlessness, nothing seems strange... and the empathy, and yet ironic detachment, allows u 2 better understand people, u care, but u project what they need, not wut u want, because your detachment allows you not to impulsively react due to emotions, or use emotions as valuative cues

exposure to diversity is unrecognized either... i dont judge people, i dislike behavior, but ppl and beavior are distinct to me... the heterogeineity of ppl ive been exposed to... lol, and the interesting common underlying motivations make it hard to judge... and ur right, people sense judgement, because they're hypervigilant in seeking behavioural cues which suggest discomfort towards things theyre sensitive about... lol, i seriously need to chat with u... cause my guess, vicarious trauma... explains the empathy yet the detachment, u have to be there for the person in need, u empathize, yet u have to detach to function optimally, to provide the care ur empathy calls for... i cud be wrong tho, but u realize, ur talking to ppl who can't quite get where u r, at least via practice, because often, we become this way out of exposure to situations in which we have little choice... so luckily never had to work up the courage to know what we do, piecemeal, the lack of choice in the situations which induce this emotional style, are what give you this insight and allow you to dominate, you simply don't process the world in the same way, i have very little fear, my amygdala is fried, so i have the luxury of observing anxiogenic encounters instead of being within them, it's like viewing the forest, instead of the trees... there\s more, but i'll stop, irregardless... ur the real deal, and well, im highly regarded in my skill level in mental health, and no one can explain it, i read the same books, same rotations... lol... but seriously, ur stuff is eerily true... i experience very similar things, almost to a cue, and well, i'm regarded very highly, and often too apathetic to explain how i know what i know, but ur vivid descriptions have really sent chills, guess there are other ppl like me... customers... im not even interested in getting laid, but this guy is so the real deal, lol, and his techniques will work, for those ends, as well as others of course... so i'd unequivocally recommend, and im scary good, altho i guess i have different ends, lol, more helping ppl with probs, but, i dont judge, some ppls probs are confidence, lack of connection... and this guys posted one of the best accounts ive read... and i listen to pre-eminent theorists weekly, bravo!

LoverBoy's picture

My God, Mr. Chase you are men's godsend.

Now all the man in the world is going to become like you and the females will be hunting you down to remove this blog.

Whatever it is. Thanks so much for sharing such incredible wisdom of yours.

I hereby salute you on behalf of all men in the world who stumble onto your amazing blog.

Thank you.

marvin's picture

I'm new to this field. I've learned to pick up mood, intent, or a lie through body language, tone, eye contact, and writing style. Talking to people was my kryptonite. You have aided me into making those connections. I enjoy deep diving. You sir are very talented at your trade. I would like to know what drove you. The love of people? Being lonely? Or was it the challenge?

Anonymous's picture

so im a senior in college. ive met this one girl at one of our social event (im in a fraturnaty).. she got a boyfriend that lives far away. i didnt know that when i first met her.. so we start talking and we cant stop.. she invited me to her place and hangout before a party we were both going (with her roomate and one other guy) . we were hangout the whole time at the party, she was teaching me how to dance..
when i try to take a step further she said she cant do it cause she has a bf.. so another girl i kinda knew came to me and we started talking, and she left me to hanout with other people.. i dont know what happend to her.. thats it for that night..
i added her on fb and got her number. and two nights later i was with another girl in a bar( just met that night.. i were super drunk..kinda made out with her) .. and she came up to us.. we started talking again... she told me how she have second thought bout her dating her bf.. cause she wants more freedom in college.. and she started talkin with the girl i was with.. i dont really remember much.. all i know is i left alone and went home.. i drunk fb messaged her.. and this is the conversation went down at 2:30 am
Me: M!!.. u shoud've felt it!!.....i felt the same!

ehh...i should go to sleep...
Her: What

Me: i tried to delete it....

Her: Delete what

Me:hows ur night M?

Her: good
Me: ha ha ok. u ruined my night

Her: How
Me: nah, i shouldt say anthing else

im drunk but u shold know. u r bad
Her: How am I bad
Me: ha ha.... M.. whats the fun?
Her: I didn't do anything..
Me: lol... i would say the exactly the same thing. we r so alike

ms" i didnt do anything" good night

good seeing u at the bar tho... u looked prettu

pretty*
end
i know its embarassing.. i texted her two days later ask her what was she up to and she didnt text me back... i know my chance is near zero now... i try to talk to other girls.. but i cant forget bout her.. all i want to do is to hangout with her one more time and get to know her more before im done.. ehh.. i dont know what to do.. im wondering if the Master (you of course) have any tips...

Anonymous's picture

Hey man, my best advice for you if you ever see her in person again is go up to her completely own up to being a massive vagina by saying " Hi, I need to apologize to you. I was having a bad night, I was really wasted, and I was a complete fucking douchebag to you whom I really like and am attracted to. I am not always this much of a dick, its just alcohol and my penis make me say dumb things. Won't ever happen again. Let's start over." And go on with something cheery and interesting.

I would say it very matter of factly and confidently keeping good eye contact but also voicing some personality. That might at least get you back into the talking zone. The fact that you had the courage to go back to her after making an ass out of yourself shows her that you mean business as far as being a man and wanting to be around her, and I think she will respect you for being genuine and your forwardness. Remember even if it falls apart, it's a win that you are evening going to try. Be independent of your outcome.Good luck.

Mustainester's picture

Hey Chase! Really helpful article and your book is splendid (I've had success a lot)! But there was something I wanted to ask you. I have a really self annoying habit of starting just about every new topic and a lot of sentences with the word 'So'. Is it good or not?I fell it makes me come off as permission seeking. Please Help?

Anonymous's picture

Bloody hell, this is just what i was searching for! I've always had trouble keeping up with conversations and am trying to improve my game in order to expand my social circle.

The examples were a great way to clearly explain the topic, not just empty words!

Thank you for this blog

Bernie's picture

In an introvert by nature and having over protective parents that like kept you in the house a lot when you were younger makes for a struggling young adult now in college. This helps me out tremendously. THANKS AGAIN!! :D glad I found this website.

Anonymous's picture

Trust me, its been a while since i have come across something that is so brilliantly put, that even me could just GET it. Superb read. Thanks a ton bud, hopeful to come through some Dope like this often from you.

Cheers!!

Scot's picture

Thanks for writing up these suggestions and guidelines. Good stuff.

Pop quiz (for my own benefit):
- ask towards the roots
- ask with suggestions
- move from 5o/50 to 80/20
- relate to downer/heavy stuff (resurface, acceptance, encouragement)

Onwards --- you brought up a question about why guys seem to naturally fall into dominate/impress mode. My theory is as follows: people generalize based on their own experience - guys assume that everyone works like guys; guys compete; ergo, conversation with people equates to verbal competition with guys, and what impresses me will impress everyone else. Short answer, I guess is self-centeredness? FWIW.

Anonymous's picture

What's up man
I'm new to this ,actually I'm still in high school
I'm having some difficulty with relating and making statements in conversations man.I noticed that one can't always everytime ask questions this will make the conversation seem like an interview so obviously u will have to make statements and relate .so could u please please give some explaination on relating and making statements in brief and give a few examples on each of them
Please man,help a brother out

Anonymous's picture

Hello chase
Your articles are great man ,I really look up to you man and I'm only in high school.I realised that becasue I'm only in high school I should focus more on sharpening my social skills.and this article just broke it down for me.however I'm finding some of the points difficult to do or use in conversations ,like relating ,and sometimes listening actively.
Can you please explain relating in more detail and give some examples
How do I relate ? At what point ?

Me:so what's your name ?
Her:kylee
Me:hmm...interesting ,what does it mean ?
Her:well ,actually its a combination of my dad and moms name
Me:hmm...that's smart,I can tell you're the only child
Blah blah blah

Can u also give ur own examples ,please chase

Oswald Filsaime Haynes's picture

Dude Im in High school also looking to inprove my conversations skills and relating is hard for me to but my biggest challenge is starting one yup sound odd but thats my problem. But hey we can talk and help each other

Oswald Filsaime Haynes's picture

Ive got to say this article was excellent I learned a lot and it really opened my eyes, your advice is simple and you can start right away. But im having trouble with actually starting a conversation, yeah I know this is the most easiest part right just say Hi and talk but its hard for me I dont know where to start or how to. This part is really holding me back to becoming a conversationalist. Im hoping Chase you'll see this or come up with a awesome article for this also I wont mind you fellas helping out Thx for reading

Nymous's picture

Wonderfully insightful and detailed article. Something that came to mind when reading about the percentages of I's to You's was what could happen when two skilled conversationalists talk to each other and are both intending to shoot for that 20% "I" ratio in their conversation. Just a curious scenario. I bet they'd both be skilled enough to realize that the other is adept and adjust more openly. Just some interesting thought.

Curt 's picture

Just wanted to say thanks for the awesome. I just started reading your articles not long ago and I must say I am very impressed. I've always been a man of few words so I never really talked much about myself or to most people, but your posts have given me this new found courage to go out and try this piece of knowledge out so thanks again and continue with your amazing work.

Leto's picture

Hello - I have to say, just like many before me, that these articles are spot on - they describe the exact problems I have been (am) facing.

My question related to this article - is there anything one can do if there is a language barrier? I am in a foreign country, and have a basic knowledge of the local language - using it at work actually, but those words are not helpful when conversing about anything else. I can somewhat keep the pace e.g at lunch at work, but I am far from witty comments, or anything of that sort. From what I have gathered, I am probably out of luck - still, if you have any suggestions on what to do, what to focus on (besides properly learning the language of course), I would be grateful to hear it.

Mark Hitchcock's picture

Seriously. Thanks. This stuff is spot on. Can't believe the responses i'm getting from girls by using these techniques. We really seem to connect alot more.

Mason's picture

Hey chase, many a time Ive resolved to really socialize-and deep dive on the bus but find myself being thwarted by the person being tired and taking a nap or having ear buds in- any suggestions on what i should do in this situation?

B's picture

I'm sure others have experience a moment in the seduction and self-improvement field where things start to click big time.

Help me to know if I'm understanding this correctly please.

Helping the person throughout the conversation is also a way to be "effortless" you are "effortlessly" getting to the root while using more effort i.e. more words. Which in turn domino-effects into a much better executed deep dive, then better connection, better comfort, higher chances of investment, etc.

Yuri's picture

Hi, Chase. I've been reading your blog for a month and found your articles and the whole philosophy quite helpful and reasonable. But this one somehow made we a bit confused, more specifically a part with the first example describing the difference between ordinary and conversationalist-style conversations. I find the whole mood of the second conversation fairly judgemental and even aggressive. The "conversationalist" seems to force the other side to qualify himself and even formulates the questions in an outright rude fashion making the other party feel interrogated and critically assessed. I wonder if I it's me who is too socially inept or closed off or the example was intended as a simplified model of typical conversation patterns' application and I took it too literally? Thanks in advance for your attention.

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