Ever deal with a girlfriend causing drama by just trying to get her
to forget it?
This can seem the expedient path, but rarely is it the most prudent
It is just human nature that we don’t want to forget the things that got the better of us. We dwell on the past to avoid getting bested again in the future.
However, in order to make sure the old wounds are not sabotaging us in the present, we have to remember that moving forwards is more important than reminding ourselves of the past.
We get stuck in a perpetual loop after bad things have happened sometimes, and that is okay, but sometimes we just need a little help to step outside of those troubles so we can start seeing ourselves acting normal again before we get past it.
Girls are just like anyone else when it comes to the past because they don’t know how to address the same issues if faced with them again in the future. When they face them again they will gain a heightened awareness of how fragile their situation is and worry about it.
Most guys address these concerns the wrong way: they make promises, ignore the looming possibility of reoccurrence of the issue, and target her “focusing on the past” as the problem to be eradicated. The only problem with that is GETTING HIT ONCE IS ENOUGH to double the pain when hit TWICE, so a girl is going exaggerate the importance of the issue if it is ignored.
Girls often mention the past because they are afraid that a positive stream of events they are having will be interrupted by the same BS. In order to help girls move past this, don’t make promises, don’t ignore that it can happen again, and don’t treat her memory and caution as the problem.
The Cure is Not to Forget
Life is a danger and the only cure is to be awesome.
Help her be awesome.
So how are you going to help her be awesome? How are you going to make the burden easier for her? How are you going to treat her after the revelation and what message will it send? How are you going to help her deal with its repeated emergence?
The people in her past likely told her to shut up, ignored her, made her feel “different”, and as new people in a girl’s life we are always in danger of doing similarly disrespectful things. So in all likelihood the girl is probably testing you to see what side you take. Is he ignorant or is he able to understand that typical suppressive reactions are BS?
Typically as guys, we IGNORE that all problems will come back for girls, if not from the events reoccurring then more paradoxically through labelling her as “different” because of it.
So typically the best thing to do is to remember the past for ONE reason: to give perspective; and focus on the future for another stronger reason: to find out how it is used or managed.
If you MUST constantly remind yourself of the past, keep it tidy – be sure it is effective and isn’t being confused and mixed up with other issues. Then be serious about having enough self-respect to focus on what you want and build towards that future. This way, if things do repeat, you don’t give them more power than they deserve and you are stronger because you have something to protect.
Dialling This All Back
Okay, okay, okay...
So that is the psychological answer, but what is the answer with girls?
Well, often it is not a full-blown psychological trauma you are dealing with when meeting women for fun. And typically, if it is a trauma, the girl may need a friend more than a lover anyhow, so I wouldn’t really suggest moving in on girls with issues as a means of seduction (that is pretty BS for you and her).
If it is a trauma, stop thinking with your cock or about her pretty face, because if a girl isn’t healthy there is no prize until she is fully on her feet again. So, unless you are really patient and cool, it is better to switch off the penis and go platonic.
Luckily however, past issues aren’t always so traumatic; often it is a “guy issue” or a “family issue”, which are more common and totally healthy.
When it comes to family issues, I find it is best to treat women as different from their families and to encourage them to be independent in contrast to their parents, who often times feel they are owed something (grandchildren, obedience, etc).
When it comes to guy issues, I often see the guy as competition and aim to communicate that I can beat him fair and square, or help her be too cool for him and know it. Usually it is a girl talking about some dude that rejected her when she was too needy.
The problem is that she sees being needy as being “truer” to herself, and that she sees the dude rejecting her as making her be grateful for the time she snatched from him. So you just need to address her gratefulness and her self-identification with being needy in the right ways.
Grateful to Her “Ex”
Obviously you don’t aim to make her ungrateful for her past relationships. That is just weird. You just aim to restore balance so that she no longer feels she owes him something for having acted needy or relied on him for comfort too much.
Often I like to say that it was her thinking she needed to act that way with guys, when she actually didn’t need to. There is no really smart time to be dependent on a partner; every relationship is built on respect and individuality, and the moment you sacrifice that to act co-dependent the results are predictably depressing.
He didn’t reject her, he just responded. This kind of tact will end in one of two ways: she may continue to whinge or she’ll realize she shouldn’t really whinge about it with new guys and move on.
Out-competing Him on a Level Playing Field
Girls can be terribly biased towards past guys that rejected them, because those guys become the exemplary reasons why she needed to change herself into who she is now. I have a secret weapon against this nonsense though. I figured out long ago that the past doesn’t exist; the only thing that exists is now. In my view of the world he is on the comeback trail if he wants to get her back.
And what do comeback guys do? He is going to plead with excuses about why he broke up with her, or try to take advantage of the lower barrier to entry with an ex to get some quick sex.
You know what I think about that dude? No competition!
Because that is not A-game, and I can bet you he is NEVER going to bring his A-game, he is just going to be Mr. Mopey Pants and try to score one on the cheap. His stingy and bitter attitude can easily be brought into the light of day and leave her asking the question “Yeah, hang on, why do you not apply effort with me!?”
I generally remove the bias by making the guy seem exactly like what he is by removing the rose-colored glasses she wears – and I tell her that the past is the past because you aim to do better, not to go back. I then tell her that if he ever comes back, don’t jump on his cock, but just evenly judge us for a while (of course not directly, but something towards that effect comes across).
Now Mr. Mopey Pants will gloat and treat you like you are the arrogant new guy, but don’t bite, he is bitter and stingy because he doesn’t give enough of a damn to win on fair terms, so just ask what he has done for her lately.
Once things are more even like this he won’t have the ex-boyfriend advantage, and the girl will get anxious and most times the dude will say “Screw this” and implode. You didn’t cause the implosion, neither did she; it was that weakness in him that caused him to reject her in the first place and to lose control of the relationship.
There isn’t a way for a guy with no control over relationships (letting girls get needy) to really win the girl back, unless the girl has sympathy or pity for the things that caused her to get rejected. Out of the delusion and he’ll remember who he is, and she’ll remember she’s moved on.
Obviously competing with exes isn’t optimal, but I generally developed this trait of refusal because most guys are territorial and I don’t let them push me around, even when it comes to friends with benefits, because I know that ex-boyfriend hook-ups are generally unhealthy for the girl and stop her from building a better future for herself.
I may not be the right guy for her, but I’m right for her right now, and she should never give in to fear and BS.
Removing Your Own Issues
I have a few ex-girlfriends, but not one of them are still in the queue for reconsideration. Why? Well, they weren’t terrible girls; I usually deal with typically really hot and smart girls.
The reason I don’t reconsider them is because most girls give up on developing themselves, and there is nothing new about meeting them again. I look for bigger and better and, because I’m confident, I don’t assume that because I moved up so did everyone else. I keep myself well reminded that they are probably still back where I was.
My teen crush wasn’t good enough for me at sixteen, my girlfriend I got from work was all bitter and picky and no way I’d go near that again, and the girls since then, while cooler, all are human beings and have issues and not a single one of them do I put on a pedestal or want to give a free ride to.
I don’t romance my past relationships, I don’t miss what I purposely left behind, I focus on the things I have in my present and I expect the same of others. I am confident in my choices and I grew from my mistakes, and, as a result, my past is clear of strings or girls waiting in the wings to come in and ruin my vibe.
If you handle your past effectively – tie up loose ends, and get over your ex – you won’t threaten your future with it; you won’t even care if it pops up again, because you’ll treat it as equal to all other current opportunities and weigh it fairly. That is what it means to be confident, that is what it means to let petty things go, and that is how you want to deal with your past and the attitude you want to help her reach with hers.
We all face obstacles in helping girls get out of their inner monologue, but just be patient, confident, and balance your responses well without getting too involved.
If you want to protect a girl from her past and she isn’t traumatised, wise her up gently to reality, because the past serves nothing but the ego. We all at some point aim to let it go. I hope this helps you some.