Releasing Your Past and Helping Girls Release Theirs

Ever deal with a girlfriend causing drama by just trying to get her to forget it?

This can seem the expedient path, but rarely is it the most prudent one.

It is just human nature that we don’t want to forget the things that got the better of us. We dwell on the past to avoid getting bested again in the future.

However, in order to make sure the old wounds are not sabotaging us in the present, we have to remember that moving forwards is more important than reminding ourselves of the past.

girl's past

We get stuck in a perpetual loop after bad things have happened sometimes, and that is okay, but sometimes we just need a little help to step outside of those troubles so we can start seeing ourselves acting normal again before we get past it.

Girls are just like anyone else when it comes to the past because they don’t know how to address the same issues if faced with them again in the future. When they face them again they will gain a heightened awareness of how fragile their situation is and worry about it.

Most guys address these concerns the wrong way: they make promises, ignore the looming possibility of reoccurrence of the issue, and target her “focusing on the past” as the problem to be eradicated. The only problem with that is GETTING HIT ONCE IS ENOUGH to double the pain when hit TWICE, so a girl is going exaggerate the importance of the issue if it is ignored.

Girls often mention the past because they are afraid that a positive stream of events they are having will be interrupted by the same BS. In order to help girls move past this, don’t make promises, don’t ignore that it can happen again, and don’t treat her memory and caution as the problem.

The Cure is Not to Forget

Life is a danger and the only cure is to be awesome.

Help her be awesome.

So how are you going to help her be awesome? How are you going to make the burden easier for her? How are you going to treat her after the revelation and what message will it send? How are you going to help her deal with its repeated emergence?

The people in her past likely told her to shut up, ignored her, made her feel “different”, and as new people in a girl’s life we are always in danger of doing similarly disrespectful things. So in all likelihood the girl is probably testing you to see what side you take. Is he ignorant or is he able to understand that typical suppressive reactions are BS?

Typically as guys, we IGNORE that all problems will come back for girls, if not from the events reoccurring then more paradoxically through labelling her as “different” because of it.

So typically the best thing to do is to remember the past for ONE reason: to give perspective; and focus on the future for another stronger reason: to find out how it is used or managed.

If you MUST constantly remind yourself of the past, keep it tidy – be sure it is effective and isn’t being confused and mixed up with other issues. Then be serious about having enough self-respect to focus on what you want and build towards that future. This way, if things do repeat, you don’t give them more power than they deserve and you are stronger because you have something to protect.

Dialling This All Back

Okay, okay, okay...

So that is the psychological answer, but what is the answer with girls?

Well, often it is not a full-blown psychological trauma you are dealing with when meeting women for fun. And typically, if it is a trauma, the girl may need a friend more than a lover anyhow, so I wouldn’t really suggest moving in on girls with issues as a means of seduction (that is pretty BS for you and her).

If it is a trauma, stop thinking with your cock or about her pretty face, because if a girl isn’t healthy there is no prize until she is fully on her feet again. So, unless you are really patient and cool, it is better to switch off the penis and go platonic.

Luckily however, past issues aren’t always so traumatic; often it is a “guy issue” or a “family issue”, which are more common and totally healthy.

When it comes to family issues, I find it is best to treat women as different from their families and to encourage them to be independent in contrast to their parents, who often times feel they are owed something (grandchildren, obedience, etc).

When it comes to guy issues, I often see the guy as competition and aim to communicate that I can beat him fair and square, or help her be too cool for him and know it. Usually it is a girl talking about some dude that rejected her when she was too needy.

girl's past

The problem is that she sees being needy as being “truer” to herself, and that she sees the dude rejecting her as making her be grateful for the time she snatched from him. So you just need to address her gratefulness and her self-identification with being needy in the right ways.

Grateful to Her “Ex”

Obviously you don’t aim to make her ungrateful for her past relationships. That is just weird. You just aim to restore balance so that she no longer feels she owes him something for having acted needy or relied on him for comfort too much.

Often I like to say that it was her thinking she needed to act that way with guys, when she actually didn’t need to. There is no really smart time to be dependent on a partner; every relationship is built on respect and individuality, and the moment you sacrifice that to act co-dependent the results are predictably depressing.

He didn’t reject her, he just responded. This kind of tact will end in one of two ways: she may continue to whinge or she’ll realize she shouldn’t really whinge about it with new guys and move on.

Out-competing Him on a Level Playing Field

Girls can be terribly biased towards past guys that rejected them, because those guys become the exemplary reasons why she needed to change herself into who she is now. I have a secret weapon against this nonsense though. I figured out long ago that the past doesn’t exist; the only thing that exists is now. In my view of the world he is on the comeback trail if he wants to get her back.

And what do comeback guys do? He is going to plead with excuses about why he broke up with her, or try to take advantage of the lower barrier to entry with an ex to get some quick sex.

You know what I think about that dude? No competition!

Because that is not A-game, and I can bet you he is NEVER going to bring his A-game, he is just going to be Mr. Mopey Pants and try to score one on the cheap. His stingy and bitter attitude can easily be brought into the light of day and leave her asking the question “Yeah, hang on, why do you not apply effort with me!?”

I generally remove the bias by making the guy seem exactly like what he is by removing the rose-colored glasses she wears – and I tell her that the past is the past because you aim to do better, not to go back. I then tell her that if he ever comes back, don’t jump on his cock, but just evenly judge us for a while (of course not directly, but something towards that effect comes across).

Now Mr. Mopey Pants will gloat and treat you like you are the arrogant new guy, but don’t bite, he is bitter and stingy because he doesn’t give enough of a damn to win on fair terms, so just ask what he has done for her lately.

Once things are more even like this he won’t have the ex-boyfriend advantage, and the girl will get anxious and most times the dude will say “Screw this” and implode. You didn’t cause the implosion, neither did she; it was that weakness in him that caused him to reject her in the first place and to lose control of the relationship.

There isn’t a way for a guy with no control over relationships (letting girls get needy) to really win the girl back, unless the girl has sympathy or pity for the things that caused her to get rejected. Out of the delusion and he’ll remember who he is, and she’ll remember she’s moved on.

Obviously competing with exes isn’t optimal, but I generally developed this trait of refusal because most guys are territorial and I don’t let them push me around, even when it comes to friends with benefits, because I know that ex-boyfriend hook-ups are generally unhealthy for the girl and stop her from building a better future for herself.

I may not be the right guy for her, but I’m right for her right now, and she should never give in to fear and BS.

Removing Your Own Issues

I have a few ex-girlfriends, but not one of them are still in the queue for reconsideration. Why? Well, they weren’t terrible girls; I usually deal with typically really hot and smart girls.

The reason I don’t reconsider them is because most girls give up on developing themselves, and there is nothing new about meeting them again. I look for bigger and better and, because I’m confident, I don’t assume that because I moved up so did everyone else. I keep myself well reminded that they are probably still back where I was.

girl's past

My teen crush wasn’t good enough for me at sixteen, my girlfriend I got from work was all bitter and picky and no way I’d go near that again, and the girls since then, while cooler, all are human beings and have issues and not a single one of them do I put on a pedestal or want to give a free ride to.

I don’t romance my past relationships, I don’t miss what I purposely left behind, I focus on the things I have in my present and I expect the same of others. I am confident in my choices and I grew from my mistakes, and, as a result, my past is clear of strings or girls waiting in the wings to come in and ruin my vibe.

If you handle your past effectively – tie up loose ends, and get over your ex – you won’t threaten your future with it; you won’t even care if it pops up again, because you’ll treat it as equal to all other current opportunities and weigh it fairly. That is what it means to be confident, that is what it means to let petty things go, and that is how you want to deal with your past and the attitude you want to help her reach with hers.

We all face obstacles in helping girls get out of their inner monologue, but just be patient, confident, and balance your responses well without getting too involved.

If you want to protect a girl from her past and she isn’t traumatised, wise her up gently to reality, because the past serves nothing but the ego. We all at some point aim to let it go. I hope this helps you some.


Cody LyansAbout the Author: Cody Lyans

Girls Chase’s resident “man of mystery”, Cody shows shy, quiet guys how to turn these traits into assets. Girls call his style “cool and calibrated”; he’s adept at smoothly meeting girls everywhere from the beach to the dance floor. Cody prides himself on versatility, and specializes in both fast (~20 minute) hookups, and slow, sensual seductions. Book a phone coaching session with Cody today to learn from him directly.


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RedBaron's picture

Another great Article, Cody

However, I have some questions that confuse me a bit with the "game".
First: Another pickup artist called Jesse (he runs his own website, great stuff) says you should not be the first to break eye-contact, because it shows dominance. Chase, on the other hand, teaches to break eye-contact first, to not be labeled as the creepy guy. What should I do?

Secondly: You also teach that persistence beats resistance and is sexy. But doesn't that display neediness and makes you the chaser?

Third on my list: Deep diving is all about talking about emotional subjects and building an emotional connection, while (so Chase teaches) making the girl do most of the talking and revealing the minimal about yourself. Doesn't that mean an interview-like conversation? And again obviously make you the chaser? DISCLAIMER: While talking to girls, you are supposed to reveal next to nothing about yourself , does this apply to deep diving too? Because in order to make an emotional connection she should be able to relate to you, no?

These are the main things I`m confused about atm, otherwise thing are running smoothly ;)

Reply would be appreciated

Cody Lyans's picture

Eye contact is something surprisingly complex. You will often hear tips like "look up", "don't break first", "if you look down it is submissive", but in reality there is a lot more going on than that, so if you ONLY think about that you will have trouble.

Try being a bit more flexible with your interpretation of advice, mix and match and see what works for you. If you see no difference, maybe its a bit ahead of you, or maybe its not useful right now, or maybe you are missing another part that is more foundational.

Persistance can certainly REVEAL the chaser in you, the trick is to persist in a way that doesn't cause you to crack or break.
Imagine you are james bond, and you are getting interogated, do you flip out, or do you stay calm.
Persist within reason, because its necessary to a degree, and be calm about it.

Keep conversations about yourself neat, and preferably about things you can reasonably handle on your own. With girls, I ask them about themselves in order to find out things about their character, it helps me make informed choices.

Anonymous's picture

Why do some people sabotage themselves and cheat on theirselves telling they are not worth the best things that life brings them? I was that myself, I see it in girls a lot of time, but why this happens? I have felt something that advantage I have against others is simply unfair (for example I get good grades - friends not, I get approached by cute girls - friends struggle to tell a word at all... when I don't learn at all for exam and get good grade - many guys would tease me as an idiot who learns a lot)... Well I answered my own question maybe, but how to break that loop and help others do that? I did it in most of situations in my life by simply not letting myself to act that odd way, but how could I help others, or should I just cut contacts with such people as soon as possible and not turn back at all?

Cody Lyans's picture

We sabotage ourselves because we want it all... NOW!
Patience is not a strong suit of people with even a little insecurity lingering within them.
Don't take it personally, if they are struggling you can really only do as much as you can do.

Anonymous's picture

Well, guys, what about danger to disrupt girls' life in a way that she will never meet that awesome man ever again and never get such experience from any average guy. You leave her wanting for someone like you most of the time. Is it fixable at all?

Anonymous's picture

Hi Cody,

This article really made me see myself and girls from a completely different perspective. I think you exposed an actor-observer asymmetry in my mind! A girl's messy past shouldn't make her any "different" than my own past issues.

With this new symmetry in mind it was really easy to imagine using empathy to effectively help a girl deal with her past mentally. For dealing with my own past, though, I feel like I have not just to get past it mentally but to make sure that I carry out the necessary actions to get reasonable closure and get myself into a place where it makes sense to release it mentally.

In the end of your article you touched upon this idea with "If you handle your past effectively – tie up loose ends, get over your ex...". On this site we have some solid tips on getting over exes and I think I have a lot of experience with it personally. On the other hand, tying up loose ends and effectively handling your past in general, well I'm wondering if that would make a useful topic for an article or followup. My guess is that as confident men diving head first into experience after experience in life we're all going to accumulate slight traumas and messy dealings that don't make sense to ignore or run away from, but we should keep them in the back of our mind like you mentioned. How can I incorporate them into my identity without getting sucked back into them whenever I see an old face or even think of an old story?

I found this article really insightful. Thanks for taking the time out for it.

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