Meeting a woman who will follow your lead, take care of you, and maybe even cook a delicious meal every once in a while is the dream for most men.
However, with the direction that social dynamics are heading in the West, this is a dream that is slipping away from the hands of most men. So how do you find submissive women? What’s it like to date a woman who will go out of her way to please you? And why is it so satisfying to have this kind of woman for most men?
These are the questions that I will be tackling today.
There are a couple of things you must understand about submissive women:
Nearly all women are naturally submissive
There is a wide range of submissiveness for different women, and even in the same woman, depending on what kind of man she’s with
Submissive means different things for different men
Women Are Natural Followers
Mainstream media and social pundits would had you believe that women want to be in the driver’s seat and don’t need men to be successful. While I completely support female autonomy and believe that women should have every social and economic opportunity that they desire, in no way do I believe that women don’t need men (or that men don’t need women).
And I certainly don’t believe that women should be leading men. If a burglar breaks into my house, I don’t expect my girlfriend to grab a baseball bat and protect me. If I’m stranded in the wilderness, I don’t expect my girlfriend to shoo away a wild bear that wanders into our campsite. And if I’m feeling spiritually lost or without purpose, I don’t expect my girlfriend to tell me what my purpose is (or worse, make her my purpose).
But this is the unfortunate narrative that a lot of men in the West have fallen prey too. They expect women to take charge, and believe that as long as they are nice and do everything to make sure that the girl is happy (e.g., by incessantly saying “I’m happy to do whatever you want to do”), then the woman will be perfectly content and believe them to be the perfect gentlemen.
This could not be further from the truth. And this is why droves of women are losing respect for Western men: they simply don’t know how to lead anymore. Though I’m certainly not blaming the men entirely.
What I am saying is that the quicker you realize that you have to learn (or relearn) how to lead – no matter how uncomfortable it is – the better your love life will become. Women can definitely handle the smaller things; I’m not saying tell her what to eat for breakfast, but I am saying tell her what you want to do for your birthday, and set expectations for the direction of the relationship.
Once you realize that biology trumps social narrative 10 times out of 10, you will realize that you have to do what gets you results, not reactions. And you will be much happier for the trouble. Women follow. YOU lead.
If you want a full exposition of my thoughts on this matter, read my post: “Do Women REALLY Like Being Treated as Equals?”
Learn What Kind of Woman Best Complements You
When dealing with women, there is an entire spectrum of submissiveness.
And as a man, it’s important to figure out what kind of submissiveness you’d like in your women. And to do that successfully, you must give yourself and your personality an honest analysis and see what kind of man you are. If you want a great reference to get you started, Chase’s article on social styles is a great place to start.
But once you figure out what kind of woman would best complement your personality, your search for submissive women will become that much easier.
Are you a man who is on the quieter side, and just wants a woman who is more introverted and who will follow his every lead?
Are you a man who wants a woman with passion, but also the skills and desire to cook for you and take care of you when you’re not feeling well?
Are you a man who is very independent and just wants a woman who will agree to see you on your terms?
Or maybe you’re like me, and want a woman who is confident, socially savvy, funny, and not afraid to speak up for what she wants – but who also is submissive enough in general while still being a challenge, a balance of submissive and aggressive in the bedroom, and a submissive adventurer. A submissive adventurer means that if I tell her “today we’re going to explore X place or fly away to X country” she’ll hop in the car or jump on the plane without a moment’s hesitation.
Thus, the amount of submissiveness you want from a woman will depend on how aggressive you are as a man. Women who are very submissive can handle men who are somewhat aggressive. They can often handle men who are very aggressive as well, because such a man’s sheer dominant presence would get her wet every time he’s around. But, a highly aggressive man could also scare her away because she could feel over whelmed by his ability to take control.
Conversely, very aggressive men can usually have their pick of the litter of various submissive women. However, most highly aggressive men find overly submissive women to be boring or just not enough of a challenge. I know I definitely feel that way sometimes – I like a woman with a little fire in her soul.
But with women, as with life, you have to know exactly what you want. That’s the only way you’ll be satisfied with what you actually get. And that’s the only way you’ll actually know what to look for when you’re out trying to find and date submissive women. Otherwise, you’ll just be shooting in the dark – and not in the good way.
Even Bitchy Women are Submissive
All women, to one extent or another, are submissive. But what matters is whether or not they are submissive with you. Even the strongest women I’ve known – women who’ve had no qualms with blowing up any man who displeased them in the slightest – eventually found some man with whom they acted like delicate kittens.
Sometimes that man is me. It is a fantastic feeling these days, but it was definitely hard to get used to when it first started happening. I would encounter a girl who tried to be especially ferocious with men, and would stare her down and show her how unfazed I was by her rough exterior. Sometimes I would even say things like “I can see that really you’re just a big softie on the inside” or “Barking like that must make you really popular with the men” or “Doing that might make most men run away with their tails between their legs, but…I’m not most men.”
And it’s funny to see how often they just freeze up, get intrigued, or just start outright chasing. And then, once that happens, they will continue to bark at other men, but then to me will say things like “I don’t have a problem with you, you can stick around” or “You’re not annoying or creepy like these other guys.” Seeing this back-and-forth was actually quite shocking when I first started noticing it happening.
Just like anyone else, women have multiple facets to them. Girls who may seem bitter on the surface may just have a certain expectation or threshold for the men in their life (read: standards) and will only be kind or submissive to these select few men. And the thing is, these girls are often just as kind and considerate as anyone else, but the unfortunate truth is that most guys simply don’t get to see this side of them because they can’t get past their exterior.
Look For the Quieter Girls
If you want a submissive woman in the more traditional sense, then you probably won’t want to go for the girl who is the alpha of the group (for those who don’t know, yes, women have alphas too). A submissive woman is going to be the one who is more comfortable following someone else’s lead. So if you’re out at a bar or club, or even doing day game, and see a pair or group of girls, look for:
The girl who is literally following the other girl(s)
The girl who is sitting down while her friends dance or flirt with guys
The girl who is looking around but seems too nervous to actually interact with people
The girl who says to ask so-and-so if you approach her with a request
Look For Non-Western Women
Recently I had a few girls over at my apartment who were mostly from South America. After a couple hours of chilling, one of them, Cynthia, was getting ready to leave and told me that her friend was downstairs – right outside of my building – ready to pick her up. I walked her to the doorway, and she just stood there with an expectant look on her face.
We hadn’t been vibing all that much sexually so I didn’t really know what she wanted.
Her: Okay Colt, I’m ready to go!
Me: Sounds good, have a fantastic night Cynthia!
Her: Aren’t you going to walk me out?
Me: …Your friend is right outside of the building. Just go downstairs and hop in her car haha.
Her: [Grabbing my arm] I need you to walk me out.
Her: Because I’m the woman and you’re the man, and men protect women, and that’s how things are.
Me: Haha okay. I’ll walk you out.
This interaction kind of caught me off guard a little bit, but it was actually really refreshing to experience. When I was walking her out I was thinking to myself: “Yeah, she’s right. This is how things are supposed to be.” And it seemed strange that I was even questioning it to begin with.
But I knew that these traditional values came as a result of the fact that these women were from South America, and that these values were instilled in them since day one.
So if you want to find a woman who was raised to be traditionally feminine and submissive, look for a nice non-Western woman. Perhaps from:
Or basically anywhere that’s not: The United States (and to a lesser extent Canada), Western Europe, or Oceania.
Look Outside Night Venues
Submissive women are harder to find in night venues. That’s not to say that you can’t do it, but your chances of successfully finding one, make her feel comfortable enough to connect with a complete stranger, and then want to come home with you (in spite of her more extroverted friends), or go on a date with you…just aren’t that high.
However, if you find submissive women in their comfort zones – bookstores, parks, community events, smaller gatherings – then you will have a much better chance of actually making something happen with them.
I remember after one of the first times I had sex with my Filipina ex-girlfriend, she was pulling up her panties and said to me, in a completely serious and sincere way, “Would you like me to make you sandwich?”
I almost burst out laughing because I couldn’t seriously believe that she was actually making that classic offer. But I managed to keep it together (mostly) and happily acquiesce. But it was also somewhat strange to me that a girl would do that for me right after sex without a second of rest or hesitation.
I was used to my previous exes who rarely did anything for me (and actually took quite a bit), so this was another jarring moment of having a kind, submissive woman who genuinely wanted to take care of me.
And the months that ensued, followed by many similar experiences, taught me a great deal about dating submissive women.
You ALWAYS Have to Lead
A girl being submissive very often means that she is indecisive. I’ve encountered many of these types (a few exes, and even my own mother), and I’ve learned that you have to be especially decisive as a man if you don’t want to find yourself constantly frustrated by them.
I’ve dated girls who would never, and I mean never, decide where we would go on dates or hangouts. Interactions would go something like this:
Me: Hey Giselle! Have you decided where you want to go to celebrate your wonderful promotion?
Her: Hey babe! No, I haven’t. I don’t care where we go, you should pick!
Me: Haha, well, normally that’s ok; but it’s your special day, so we should go where you would like.
Her: Haha ok, fair enough! Well… do you have any good suggestions?
Me: Well, I know you really like [X place]. You always say how good of a time it is there.
Her: Ok! Let’s go there!
Notice how even though I turned it on her to make a decision, she subtly turned it back on me. And I knew that we wouldn’t get anywhere unless I took charge, so I just suggested a place she loved. And that was that.
I knew it would be a waste of time to keep this back-and-forth going. And that’s how it was all of the time. And if you’re a decisive man, that’s no problem. But if you’re not… it can definitely cause some issues – or worse, loss of attraction – if decisions can never be made.
So if you want to date a submissive woman – especially one far down the submissiveness scale – be prepared to lead HARD. I’ve even been with girls who wouldn’t leave the house until they got my opinion and stamp of approval on their outfit.
A great aspect of dating submissive women is that you have a lot more leeway with them. If you make a mistake, they will be much more forgiving than a stubborn or more obstinate woman. You can choose to be vulnerable with them without appearing weak or clingy.
So don’t worry about missteps with submissive women. They can generally forgive you for most things and will always be looking to ensure your well-being.
More Emotional Sway
However, keep in mind that you will have more emotional sway over submissive women. So that means that if you cheat on them or even just blatantly flirt with women, you’re more likely to incur their wrath or make them generally cold toward you.
Since submissive women are typically more introverted, you as the man in their life will be a large source of their personal validation. So if you start betraying that role… get ready for some pushback.
This is where submissive women can potentially become clingy: if they sense that you’re starting to pull away from them or aren’t showing as much love or affection as you used to, then they will start to get angry/depressed/desperate with you. And things can go from very rosy to very rocky – very quickly – in these situations.
You Need to Sexually Lead
If you want to date women on the more submissive side, you’ll have to be ready to lead sexually as well (if you want to learn how to be a good lover, read here).
If these women are used to you dominating them in social situations, they’ll expect you to dominate them between the sheets. And if you can do so successfully – they will absolutely love you for it.
Dating submissive women can feel like the most natural thing in the world – because it is. When each person in a dynamic is fulfilling the role they are supposed to fill, everyone will be happy and satisfied. You know what to expect and you know how to look. So now, the rest is up to you.