In a previous article (“Do You Lead Conversations… Or Leave Others Hanging?”) I explained some different styles of conversation.
In this article I’m going to go into each type of conversation a little more in-depth, showing you examples and otherwise generally walking you through them so you can get a better picture of what the different types of conversation look like:
- Casual Sex
- Finding Out More
Which one you pick for any given situation all depends on what you’re looking for.
If you want to make friends you want to keep things less sexual and more about common interests. There are many advantages to making female friends, or friends in general.
Keeping people friendly assures that they are on your side and working towards your interests. You can have conversations, talk about in-depth things, and minimize the amount of friction that a relationship would otherwise bring.
Cody: Hey there.
Girl: ... Hi?
Cody: ☺... (offers hand) My name is Cody and haha, you look like you could use someone cool to talk to.
Girl: Oh? (is that what you think?) I am kind of bored. Sarah.
Cody: Nice to meet you Sarah, I always liked that name.
Girl: Me too. Haha probably because it’s mine.
Cody: I’m the same way... So who are you here with?
Girl: These guys (points) – the one in red is my roommate.
Cody: So you are studying here... working? How is she, is she crazy or is she a cool girl?
Girl: She is a little crazy but mostly cool. I’m studying language and communication.
Cody: You ever catch her talking to herself?
Girl: Haha! No, but she might have caught me. I’m a little quirky.
Cody: All the best people are quirky... I bet I can outdo you though.
Cody: Let’s see if you can keep up. (little contest follows and friend comes over)
Friend: Oh hey, who are you?
Girl: I just met him; we were talking about you a little before.
Cody: Nothing serious, I was asking if you ever caught her talking to herself.
Friend: Ha oh! Hey Sarah just wanted to come over before I go to the bar to see if you want something.
Cody: What are you drinking?
It takes a little to slip into your normal friend dynamic, but once you get there all your normal jokes should come out. Mostly this style is about getting them to say what is on their mind by not really occupying the conversation, but rather just pacing it in a way that they can say what they feel.
Typically you just want to slowly cover ground in different areas with smooth and slow changes in tempo. Ideally I’d recommend talking a little about your stance on girls as friends if that is what you are actually going for, because otherwise in the back of her head she is waiting for a move.
Cody: I see girls as friends kind of like this... I don’t always feel like talking to guys, or worrying about attracting girls and messing with all their expectations and stuff. Plus I like to think that if any of my guy friends were girls I wouldn’t just reject them on that basis alone. I like being balanced too, rather than always being out for a relationship. You can miss out on some of life that way, by being so narrow about what you do with whom and when. I think it is more natural to have some friends who are girls than not to.
If you want to have more casual sex, you want to start working on making a woman become sexier and more vibrant around you so you have further reason to work for it and create a great experience.
This is all about knowing what kinds of things you can say to make a girl let her hair down and to take a sign of relief that you aren’t “another guy” out just to satisfy his own ego and be otherwise unattractive.
Cody: Heya! I had to come over. (sly little smile)
Girl: Hehe... (bashful) why? (slight look up)
Cody: Just look at you, here take my hand.
Girl: Why?☺ (takes hand)
Cody: Hmm, (strokes hand) yeah I thought so, you are sexy.
Cody: Some girls when you touch their hands there is this response. I look for it kind of like how girls look for a guy that carries himself a certain way.
Cody: I think a lot of people get timid about the whole topic of sex and chemistry, but it’s a shame, because all the best connections have to have that.
Girl: True, if you don’t have a good connection it’s not really going to go anywhere.
Cody: Some guys are really afraid to talk to girls about what they like, and what they are looking for. I think it is better to just be on the same wavelength with a girl so we can feel each other out and take it how we like.
Girl: Mmhm, I don’t like it when I don’t know what is going on.
Cody: I like that you are open about yourself – it’s cool.
Cody: Sex is a part of life and without it it’s just not quite the same (offers for her hand and a nod off in the other direction) (walk along with her following behind)
The thing to keep in mind when talking about casual sex is that you should never be overt; you should never throw it all on the table – you just take it a little at a time and build up context, share views, and get her as a willing participant.
That way, you can learn things, and also, spicing things up is only a well-timed pause, a look, or a touch away. The more you keep cool while talking yet while maintaining a bit of savvy allure to you, the more effective you will be at building a sexual connection and opening her up to explore it with you less hindered by her general reservations.
It is mostly about sustainably bringing down her inhibitions and never judging her or coming at her suddenly for it. Be in tune with the conversation and, if you want to turn it really sexual, talk about what she likes.
Cody: So how would you say you like to be in bed? Feisty, or more submissive?
The trick of course is to pay attention to how far she is comfortable going, and then helping guide her so she never feels like she is exposing herself too much.
Girl: I like both, depends on how I’m feeling.
Cody: Yeah, me too. Sometimes I’m more dominant but you also need a mix. It’s more fun that way; spontaneous.
If you do it well, then by the time you two get back to one of your places sex is going to be the most natural thing in the world, because you already broke down most of her concerns and now you just need to keep cool and continue when you guys are ready.
If you want to simply not care what happens and throw caution to the wind, then you might just want to talk about whatever comes to mind that’s funniest or most interesting at the time. This is great for when you just don’t know where you want things to go and you want your feet to take you there.
Cody: Hey... Saw you and thought I’d come say hi.
Cody: I like your outfit – it’s a really nice blue – reminds me of those Hawaiian dancer girls, you know, how they are just so happy and easy to talk to. You ever been?
Girl: To Hawaii?
Cody: I’d like to go.
Girl: Me too, I need a vacation.
Cody: I aspire to one day declare my life a vacation.
Girl: Like when you retire?
Cody: Ha, no, I don’t think that far ahead, I was more thinking later this week... Just quit work, steal a boat, and sail away.
Girl: Oh wow, become a pirate.
Cody: Search for booty.
Girl: Booty?! Haha!
Girl: Haha you are so random – it’s great.
Cody: Yeah totally. Hey, have you gone to a themed costume party?
Girl: Like heaven and hell parties?
Cody: Yeah, I could go for one of them right now, dress like Satan, shirt off, badass.
Girl: But I’d dress as an angel, so we’d never see each other.
Cody: But we’ll always have Hawaii.
Being spontaneous isn’t so much about being funny, though it often can be fresh and invigorating; it’s just about cutting threads easily and doing whatever you feel like (within reason of course). The general idea is to get a bit lost and see where it takes you, how you both feel, and where you guys end up.
Finding Out More
If you want to find out more about a woman before you make up your mind, then make sure to bring out the better sides of her so she can inspire you with ideas of how you can maybe do something with her. It is always best to be an open person, even when intentionally judging others, so if you help bring out the best side of a person’s character, then you can make a much more directed choice.
Cody: (walks up with a curious and playful look)
Girl: (turns and tilts her head then squints her eyes)
Cody: (big smile and drops off some tension)
Girl: (smiles a little)
Cody: Hey Jenna... You seemed unique and interesting so I thought I’d come over and say hi.
Girl: Uh thanks? Hi!
Cody: (takes hand) Hmm…
Cody: You play sports?
Girl: Yeah, how can you tell?
Cody: The way you hold yourself is familiar to me. I like girls who play sports – they are usually more positive and out to take hold of life.
Girl: Ha, well maybe. I mostly just play volleyball with my friends and squash.
Cody: How did you fall into that?
Girl: Just trying to keep fit and my friends play it so I figure why not.
Cody: Haha cool, I think it’s a sign of intelligence to pick up new things and become passionate about them.
Girl: Thanks, how about you?
Cody: Love sports; never played squash.
Girl: You should – it’s really energetic.
Cody: And by energetic you mean really sweaty and tiring? :P
Girl: Only partly, it’s just really... good for you... it helps you feel upbeat.
Cody: Upbeat is cool, it’s always nice to meet girls that can let their hair down and show a bit of their competitive side.
Girl: Oh yeah! I get so competitive!
The point of this kind of conversation is to keep it light-hearted and funny enough but to also give her some informational cues about what you like so she can start opening up and telling you good things about herself (even boasting a little). It helps to get girls giving you more information about their character without you getting in the way too much.
You never want to drill a girl on things, so make sure you add in some fluff and commentary that stimulates her, but also, if your aim is to get her to show parts of herself that motivate you, pick good topics and entice her to really explain it in her own way, that way you can observe and let what she is talking about spark you up.
So there you have it, a quick rundown and some examples on what these conversations are like and a few hints at how and why to pull them off that way.
It isn’t too complicated, you just need to keep a relatively steady pace and be mindful of the style and where it is likely to take you.
I hope this helps you guys get a better feel for the different conversation types.
For more how-to dialogue snippets, also check out “Conversation Example.”