How Victim Mentality Can Stifle Your Life – and Luck with Women | Girls Chase

How Victim Mentality Can Stifle Your Life – and Luck with Women

victim mentalityWhen I first began working in the self-help industry in earnest, I was, as most new to the industry are, overcome with a desire to help others. The pride I got when hearing I'd helped someone turn around his station in life with women, or turn around his life in general, was great. It's still wonderful to hear, but back then it was amazing.

It took me a while to recognize it, but there was another side of the coin to self-help too; it's the side I mentioned in "How to Master Anything" when talking about the "complainers" (as contrasted to the "fixers"), and it was the people you'd run into that you couldn't help. These were the ones who seemed like they wanted help, and they were there asking for it, but you just couldn't break through.

Eventually I did some research on it, and found out there was a distinct psychological term for this: it's called "victim mentality."

And it isn't the people you think who have it. It isn't some poor pathetic schmuck sitting around in his room moping about why life has to be so hard. Sure, that guy's got it too, but there are a lot of other people who have it:

  • Parents
  • Teachers
  • Bosses
  • Colleagues
  • Models and actresses
  • Jocks and playboys

... I've met people in almost every walk of life with victim mentalities. It's surprising when you encounter it, and you see it to different degrees... but it's there.

For me, recognizing my own victim mentality a long time ago was key to getting my life moving again in the right direction. And at the same time, I spent a decade in "neutral" because of my own refusal to see it and fight it, and I've met scores of people along the way similarly bogged down by this.

If you want to break free of it - if you really want the kind of life you want, with the kinds of things you want in it - this is another one of those situations where you'll find that the answer doesn't lie in the world changing to suit you... but rather, this answer lies within.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Preston's picture

I was extremely happy to see this post, whenever i set myself on a course to do something in my life. I KNOW it is entirely dependent on me, how i interact with others, my own work, how i encourage other to work, and what precedence i set for myself to improve.

But i forget often to ask the question "how", i often know i CAN do something because it is do-able or has been done by other so it is attainable.

I have been working on my game, it's fairly poor right, now and i have been working on the how subconsciously, but not efficiently. I really do appreciated this post as it better enables me to take specific pieces of why I am not attaining my goals, and break it down into parts to put right.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Preston,

"How can I?" is strong stuff indeed. Glad you liked the post - and glad it's reminded you of a powerful tool to keep there in your utility belt for ready access. Makes a difference when you're stumped on something and trying to figure it out.

Best,
Chase

Rasui's picture

Just yesterday I was in the gym and trying to figure out how best to approach women. Then I come home and check the site to see an article on gym game. It actually freaked me out at first.

Then today I'm being self-defeating because of various life circumstances and I hop on here to find this article. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I was reading and things started sounding awfully familiar! Thanks for yet another wake-up call and keep up the good work.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Rasui,

You didn't realize I had a little transmitter set up sending me your game questions as blog post ideas, did you? Time to break out the tinfoil hats...

Lately I've been trying to focus on responding to guys' questions a lot, which makes things easier for me, especially when I'm trying to crank them out like I am right now (less time spent coming up with post ideas), and it also keeps the topics to things that are interesting to a wider audience (and to things I haven't covered as in-depth before).

But, more common guys questions = higher likelihood I'll be answering a commonly wondered-about question on any day.

We'll see if you and I go 3 for 3 on today's post...!

Ciao,
Chase

IceCold's picture

Thanks chase for writing this article. I do blame myself but it's hard to because I have so much confidence in myself and I have confidence in what you write and I apply it. That's why I say it's "luck", I try and try but rejection after rejection takes a toll on you emotionally, especially when you have so much great advice that you go over and over trying to fix things but when you find out it doesn't work you think damn I must have bad luck because I apply what has worked for you and I know I won't get it at first but after the 10th girl it gets really depressing and you know the materials good and that your good you keep trying but how much can you try till you go crazy with failure? I will change my mindset to "how can I?" but understand what I mean chase with the "luck" thing. Thanks again chase.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey IceCold,

I know man, believe me I know. I've been there. When I was new to game and posting on the seduction boards, I used to post stuff like, "I go out but I just don't seem to be getting any better. I know this stuff works for other guys, but it just doesn't seem to work for me." (which, yeah, is a degree of victim mentality, aggravated by sheer lack of the success I wanted)

And I'd have guys write me responses to the tune of, "You've just got to saddle up and get back out there again tomorrow and keep meeting new girls."

What I realized eventually was driving me nuts was mixing pickup with trying to get these girls I knew and kept seeing again and again. THEY were what was really aggravating me. I kept trying and trying and trying to get these girls who'd already set their opinions of me early on, and I couldn't, and it was tearing me up. And after one particularly bad episode with a chick giving me some shitty treatment, I just quit cold-turkey on "known" girls.

"I'm doing straight pickup, no more hanging out with girls who knew me before," I said to myself. "That way I'm purely working on my skills and not confusing this with trying to get women that have already decided they want my company, not my cock, and are wasting my time."

And you know what? It worked. I went through a few more months of aggravation, not quite getting what I wanted, but I improved rapidly after that - tons more approaches, tons more phone numbers, tons more makeouts, and eventually, I was picking up and taking girls home and sleeping with them.

My recommendation? Jettison the girls who know you and are wasting up your time to satisfy their desires to have a friendly orbiter guy around who's cute - and only focus on meeting fresh women you don't know yet who haven't formed an opinion about you or slotted you into "oribter" territory. It'll suck at first, and you won't get the warm emotional validation and the repeated feeling of "I'm almost there!" that girls you know (deceptively) give you, but you'll actually start improving fast, because instead of working on abilities that get you more attention in orbiter land (stuff that increases attention from girls you know who've friend-zoned you), you're in the sink-or-swim pool of meeting new women - no good emotions there until you start giving those women things they find very attractive.

Chase

Walls's picture

Is just what the doctor ordered! I tend to think that success starts with who you are; you can teach all the pick-up techniques in the world, but if you aren't a strong man with strong beliefs and will, you won't execute them. Sort of like how you can have a great coach who draws up amazing plays, but if his players are poor and can't execute those well-thought up plays, that coach is useless and the team gets zero results.

Anyways, over the past year or two I've adopted the "How Can I" mentality, so I wouldn't say I have full-on victim mentality. I blame everything on myself; I have all the potential in the world, if I just research, observe and execute, I'll be fine. However, one of your lines did really leap out at me:

"Gaining short-term pleasure from feeling sorry for oneself or eliciting pity from others."

I've been doing this since I was little, and I always feel sorry for myself and get pleasure out of it sometimes. It's the weirdest most pathetic thing in the world, and this is the first time I've seen another person mention it. Even as I've adopted the "Can Do" attitude and have had it solidified in my brain (literally every success and failure I've had, I attribute it to my own ineptitude at something, or talent in an area) this pity party in my head has stuck around and it's just addictive. I think it might be a deeper psychological problem that has been reinforced by myself since I was a kid. Now I'm in that hole pretty deep. Any advice on how to destroy this??

Very helpful article Chase, thanks. Your material is life-changing, and I get something out of every article between you, Ricardus and Colt.

Cheers!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Walls,

Glad to hear it! Sounds like you're in a pretty good place mentally, though definitely, if you're enjoying the pity party, that will affect you.

For me personally, when I try to make myself feel pity internally about something in my life anymore, I have a strong visceral reaction of revulsion and disgust. I just made myself think about some situation that's kind of sucky in my life right now, and made myself think, "It's so sad for me that..." and the immediate counter to that in my head was, "Oh please! This is ridiculous. Are you going to mope around and be impotent, or are you going to go fix it and get what you want?"

So I seemed to have trained into myself a certain degree of revulsion for helplessness.

And it's true, I see this in my behavior now; I didn't used to. When I meet people that act REALLY helpless around me: "What do I do? Oh, life is so bad!" my first instinct is disgust (and disgust is a biological defense mechanism). So, somewhere along the line as I fought to rid myself of internal weakness, I seem to have developed a defensive disgust reaction to it. I also can't stand having weak people around me - only have strong friends, only have strong girlfriends - which is another policing method (e.g., you become like your friends, so don't have weak people around unless you want them dragging you back down into weakness).

Based off that quick and dirty look at my own emotional adaptation, I'd say if you're doing the pity thing, start catching it and training yourself to feel disgust at it, and asking yourself if you're going to sit around sulking or if you're going to get up and go do something. After a while it becomes automatic, and then that's just how you are: a low tolerance for weakness, even in yourself, and someone who challenges himself and everyone around him to man up and get fixing things.

Ciao,
Chase

Flames's picture

A few things sprung to mind when I read this

In your hotdog stand analogy the guy 'fails' to sell enough hotdogs and it reminded me of the fight/flight response, but also there's a little known freeze response too. I think the problem is not these responses, but that people sometimes respond without even thinking about them (in PTSD it's an uncontrollable thing) most people just act then deal with the consequences later.

Blame culture I think has a lot to do with it, in the old days you were entirely responsible for you own safety at work, now you'd have to throw yourself into a threshing machine to be at fault, and even then it would be someone else's fault for either not stopping you, or not building a cage round the machine to stop you.

I think you can go too far the other way too though and blame yourself for things outside your control. I too have had to struggle for everything I have and everything I have had, this I believe was entirely good for me, and I've developed an inner strength over the years (and I'm sure you have too) that despite everything I succeed in everything I do (although I prefer to be well rounded, more than specifically driven) its a basic survival instinct and I think a lot of people lack that these days.

There were a few other things, but I've lost my train of thought on them now :)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Flames,

Fight or flight tends to happen more often in knee-jerk situations; a big guy comes at you with an angry look on his face, or a car careens off the road and onto the sidewalk right at you. What happens with people over longer periods of time is probably somewhat related to that, but it's a more gradual process; rather than an adrenaline-fueled instinctive reaction, it's more like a wearing down of emotions and an acceptance of defeat.

The blame culture point is a very good one; you're right, the culture in the West has become a sort of nanny culture with a lot of people pointing the finger at one another, corporations, the government, etc.

One of the disconnects I've repeatedly pointed out to people are the ones calling for those richer than themselves to be taxed at a higher rate; but when you ask them how much they're willing to pay out of their OWN salaries in addition to their current tax rate to support those less well off than themselves, you get an entirely different response. Nobody wants responsibility anymore; they want others to take responsibility for them. I think this is a result of having it too easy in life; you get so used to NOT making hard decisions, you want someone else to hold your hand from cradle to grave and do it all for you and promise you it'll all be all right.

I noticed it was distinctly different in Asia. Asian people, at least in the more developed Asian countries, instinctively look inward to find the problem: "How did I put myself in this situation?" It's the way it used to be in the West... it was one of the things that made the West great, that's largely gone now.

"Blaming yourself" has to be blaming with a purpose - the purpose of fixing something. If it's fatalistic blaming like, "Oh, I just NEVER do things right," and then the guy gives up and sobs in the corner, it's not as good (although, better than blaming others, and somewhat on the right path). It has to be, "Okay, I mucked it up again; what do I need to change to do it better next time?" to get the best effect. Then it's very solid.

Anyway, good points here Flames, and good discussion!

Best,
Chase

Hunt's picture

Hey Chase,

Love the article, I ridded myself of this mentality awhile ago and felt much more in control of my life. That being said, I've reached an annoying plateau in my game that im not quite sure how to fix.

I am having a lot trouble with keeping girls around after we become lovers. After we do our thing, almost every girl calls me and texts me saying how much they miss me and other fluffy stuff of that sort. I reply, and set up logistics if i want to see them again, however sometimes I just dont have the time to reply. I dont know what drastic emotional change goes on, however if i dont reply, or even text them first, it seems that they completely lose interest.

The most recent example of this incedient was with a girl I really liked, who I bedded 3 or 4 times. She would always text me first and I usually replied. The last time i bedded her however she did not text me afterwards. Just a week later, I asked her to chill, but she said she was going to her boyfriends house. She explained to me with a deadpan expression, "This guy actually puts in effort to text me everyday, sometimes just to say hi."

If that was the first time, i would probably just let it go, however this seems to happen almost EVERY time. I think it might be due to an investment imbalance, however does anyone have any tips to solve this? I was talking to some of my friends about this, and some of them had the same problem.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Hunt,

There are a couple of things this could be, but what it sounds like, to me, is that these girls are seeing you as a potential boyfriend, then getting miffed that you don't satisfy that role.

Which means, you're bedding them, but they're going in with expectations that things will transition to something more substantial. Also may be that you don't offer a thrilling-enough experience as a lover that they want to keep coming back for more (and this is both the sex side, and the psychological side).

So I think the first things I'd ask myself to figure this one out are: Am I doing anything that's making these girls think I'm going to transition into the boyfriend role? And, What can I do to give her a more romantic, exciting, fulfilling experience as her lover that won't position me as a boyfriend or husband candidate?

If you dig into those questions, I think you'll start coming up with a few possible answers.

Chase

Hunt's picture

Hey Chase,

Thanks for the reply! I like your point on me being perceived as a potential boyfriend. I never really spent any time on this; I must have figured that if I seem sexy enough and don't provide a huge amount of value, I will be perceived as non-boyfriend material. As you mentioned, the girls may be getting the wrong expectation despite those.

Kinda related question, I have been using the hard push quite a lot in my seductions recently, and they work surprisingly well. Do you know why girls find this attractive? I have seen guys put a HURDLE of an effort into pushing for results for girls, to the point where they seem creepy. The guys still end up with the girls though. Why is it attractive to girls to constantly try to convince them to do what you want? Even if you use the hard push smoothly, and with a touch of social grace, It would still seem mildly irritating. Any reason why this works so well?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Hunt,

Yes, absolutely.

On the hard push, I really think this is a core male-female difference. Like, imagine yourself looking at a guy you might think of as being a "douchebag" - greased hair, shirts from Express, sleazy facial hair (chin strap, anyone?) - and thinking, "Yech! I don't want that guy anywhere NEAR me!" and then watching as beautiful women descend around him, completely enamored.

For most things, men and women share largely the same opinions, but when you start venturing into the realm of attraction triggers, you start getting what are very counterintuitive (at first) results in some places. Men compete for dominance, so dominance being exercised on them is annoying and inspires their competitive / aggressive / fighting instinct... but women seek out dominance, and having it used on them typically causes them to swoon.

Just a sex difference in how a behavior is assessed, essentially.

Cheers,
Chase

Garrett's picture

Hey Chase!

So I've come to a dilemma here. Now I know you've been working on your game since 2006. Since school started for me this year, I've been trying to do the same thing, and I've learned a lot despite the setbacks! Now my question for you is... if you have a really busy life, and you are trying to do really well in school, what's the best way to go about improving your game or any skill for that matter? Like for me, I have 4 months off in the summer, so I will have the free time to work on my game, have more time to workout, and basically to get the side things I want to improve on, done. I think were similar in the fact that we are both trying to constantly improve ourselves. I just don't want to get overwhelmed with too many things, seeing as my main priority is excelling in school.

So my question for you is, based on your experience, do you recommend that I hold off on improving my game until things clear up in the summer, or just try to fit it in all in now? I don't have much time for myself and I'm having to force in that time to improve my game, which could be directed to my main goal, doing well in school. I'm concerned that if I just work on my game during the summer that I won't notice significant results because once school starts again I'll have to drop that form of learning for a considerable amount of time in exchange for academic learning and devoting my time to school... Anyways, I'm just looking to get a sense of what works from someone who's been around the block, has improved their life in many ways over time, and has experienced more than someone young like myself!

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts :),
Garrett

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Garrett,

That's a tough call, and it's pretty much down to what you're prioritizing and when.

School's your top priority, and it sounds like you're working very hard at excelling in that department. And you're very right - focusing on women can take a LOT of time and energy, and it can be a very big distraction when you have other goals. Most of the guys I know who've gotten really good with women have a some point in their lives where they had 6 months or a year of time off and just did nothing but learn game, and they saw their greatest advances during that period. The rest of the time, it was relegated to a side project while they worked on school or work or whatever else engaged them.

If you've got 4 months off during the summer, you can put that to use learning something else that's important to you - game might be it. If you're not working on school stuff then, you can focus on working out harder and gaming a lot. I knew a guy who'd work all week and have one day off, and he'd just go out and meet women for 12 hours on that one day off and got good that way. You should be able to do the same thing with a summer vacation if you're dedicated - if, say, you're getting out 4 days a week and meeting 20 or 30 or more women per week, you'll see noticeable improvements. If you do more than that (without burning out), you'll likely see more.

You might think of it as compartmentalizing most of your learning to different parts of the year - e.g., school year is for focusing on school, with maybe some maintenance workouts thrown in and occasionally meeting girls in class or at parties. Then, summer / winter breaks are for hardcore workouts and pushing yourself hard to level up game skills.

If you do it that way, and you're focused, you can make serious improvements, even if it's only during chunks of the year.

One thing I would urge you to take under advisement: in a study on why America white children and black children performed at the same academic level early in grade school, but white children began to pull away around Grade 4 or so and never looked back, they found that the core reason was summer reading - white children's parents urged them to read books during the summer, while black children's parents often did not. When black children had parents who encouraged reading, they kept up with their peers. There is some backsliding that occurs when you aren't year-round focused on learning, so if you normally study for school during summer be wary of that and do at least some studying then too (maybe take a day a week and reserve that purely for studying).

Chase

Jay's picture

Wow, you churned this out in under a day? Great article, I struggled with this and related issues for years. It wasn't until I saw a therapist that I started overcoming and seeing success with women. It was my blind spot sabotaging me for years. Funny thing is that it didn't affect other areas of my life as much.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Jay,

Yep, this one was 3 or 4 hours, in fact. I'm getting faster - some of these I can do in 2 hours or less. Nearing the point where I can probably write a book in a week if need be. It's kinda fun...!

Victim mentality's insidious because it's often hard to see where it's affecting you, and yes - it often affects some parts of your life while leaving others alone. Which makes it even harder to identify.

Neat to hear that a therapist helped you overcome this and get results. I've read some discouraging research lately on therapy and that's given me a lot of doubts on its limits as an effective means of creating change and inspiring recovery... so it's good to get a different perspective and hear about it doing some good, too. Always best to hear both sides...

Chase

Al's picture

Chase, I started reading your stuff a few months back and I am really impressed by your advice. Personally, I have discovered I possess a very very negative mindset and this type of thinking is at the heart of it. One of the primary reasons for this is women, often even those who I rate as aesthetically average still intimidate me initially and I spend the first stages of the interaction in approval seeking mode.

I would like to see an article on how to internally think of yourself as equal to women in general. Often I feel inferior to women before I meet them however shortly after I regain my confidence and can charm them quite well, but the initial phase is always strewn with me feeling I have to impress them due to my self esteem. Secondly, I would like to see an article on frame control as although I have a strong understanding of it I often find it tough to create strong frames with women.

Keep it up and best wishes
Al

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Al,

Great to hear you've figured out where those feelings are stemming from and are working to combat them at their source. Once you're actively targeting them, it's more or less a matter of time.

The seeing-yourself-as-equal would make for an interesting post, yeah. I'll look to get one up on that over the coming weeks. Meantime, there's one here that doesn't completely address this, but comes somewhat close:

Girls: Silly and Cute

On frame control, check out this post:

Get Rock-Solid Frame Control with the Women You Like, Guaranteed

Cheers,
Chase

JacksonWw's picture

Chase,

I happened to stumble on your blog a few days ago when I seemed to need it the most, and I've got to say: I have NOT been able to stop reading since. Your insight, not just about women but also life and relationships in general, is absolutely blowing my mind. You have put my thoughts in crystal clear written form. So, thank you for that.

Concerning this article on victim mentality, you gave me a wake up call. I don't see myself as a victim in all cases--I have had many successes i.e. school, jobs--but in other cases I've submitted that I do have that mindset i.e. girls. I seem to always blame the girl who rejects or auto-rejects me: "oh, something's wrong with her line of thinking", "I did everything and she still rejected me, she must be searching for Mr. Perfect", etc.

I now understand I must be ever-more self-aware of my own tendency to label myself a victim when instead I should put my foot down and declare, "No. It's my fault. I screwed up. And this is specifically why..." "WHAT can I change to get better results?" "Am I better off now than before?"

Again, thank you once again for your work.

JohnyDones's picture

This is truly inspirational post. I just realized that i suffer from victim mentality all along. Last year i had huge depression, could not get out of bed but after realizing that without going out and exposing yourself to the world you can not succeed and get what you want. The only field i think i am really good at (my job) came after a year of 12-16 hours of work/day and when success came at first i thought its just luck, but in fact its hard work.
Tiger Woods said "Some say golf is all about luck , but the more i practice the luckier i get" and that thought is what keeps me working on new skills , i now know its all about experience.

P.S. This post and other similar posts you wrote such as the one on depression really helped me out. I overcome depression much easier now. Thanks for that.

Anonymous's picture

Dating is rigged against Asian guys

1) Asian women are white boy worshippers

2) non Asian women are ignorant and biased

A corrupt, rigged, fixed system

Leah's picture

This is a fantastic article. Thanks for the insight!

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