Many people believe that it doesn’t
matter much what you say to a
girl when you chat her up… that 93% of all communication is nonverbal
anyway, and that the words are just filler. Thus, any sexual frame you employ should be
more focused on your body language and less so on your words… they just
aren’t as important, goes the thinking.
This is a misunderstanding of Mehrabian’s study, which showed that somebody’s body language and tone of voice account for 93% of our LIKING for that person… it does not, however, mean that the spoken word only convey 7% of the meaning of any communication.
“Liking” is also largely irrelevant when it comes to seduction –
girls will often sleep with and even get into relationship with guys
that they don’t particularly like… attraction beats liking, hand over
fist, every time.
And if it was true that words only conveyed 7% of what’s being communicated, it should be perfectly possible to watch a movie in a foreign language and still understand 93% of what is being said…
Try that some time. :)
If it was true, it should also be
possible to tell a girl to bugger
off… and get a 93% similar response as when telling her that she’s
There is, however, a more subtle reason why words matter… and that reason is frames, and the implications of what is being said.
So what are frames and frame control now?
Well, let’s look at some examples.
A frame might be defined as the contextual meaning a communication takes on based on how it is presented.
For example, one person might look at outsourcing as a bad thing because he lost his job to someone in India. His boss, on the other hand, probably sees outsourcing in quite a different light, as it saves him a lot of money on wages every week… it may even save his company from bankruptcy.
Now let’s twist the frame around a bit more – what if we look at the situation from the perspective of the Indian worker? He is now working remotely for a company in the West and makes three times as much as he would in a local job…
Or, we could reframe the Western worker’s situation as a great opportunity. Sure, he lost his job – but isn’t he now finally free to pursue his true passion, start a business, and even get rich himself?
He might even end up hiring people himself, both in the West and in Asia…
…or, he might decide that his life is over, apply for social
security and spend the rest of his days under a bridge.
It’s completely up to him… and the same set of circumstances takes on a completely different meaning, depending on the angle we look at it from.
That angle is the frame… and the frame we set, the meaning we give things, creates our reality.
This is why frame control is not only a powerful tool of persuasion,
one of THE most important life skills.
The Sexual Frame: Framing for Seduction
Just like outsourcing can be seen as a good or a bad thing, depending on one’s frame, so can things that are more useful to our pursuits… such as having sex the first night of meeting someone, or even after 15 minutes.
Think about it… 50 years ago, sex on the first date was almost universally seen as “wrong”… 100 years ago, even premarital sex was considered “bad” – and to this day, there are still cultures and societies who would agree with that.
Nothing but the frame.
This difference in frames is also the reason why some girls will be open to going home with you at the first opportunity… they see their own sexuality in a positive light and have no hang-ups about it.
(By the way, labeling negative views about sex a “hang-up” is a frame in itself… and a useful one… use it!)
Other girls, however, aren’t as open-minded about casual sex at the first encounter… they may be worried about their reputation, they may fear being judged by you or by their peers, or they may simply buy into some of society’s old-fashioned ideas (frames) about how a “decent lady” is supposed to act.
Therefore, 80% of getting a girl to sleep with you, especially on the first night, comes down to her agreement to a sexual frame.
You’re starting to see how useful this skill can be!
Sex? Well, Why Not!
We’ve discussed sexual framing on the blog in the past (see the posts on being a sexual man and chase framing), but in summation, it involves framing short timeframe sex as something normal, healthy and desirable, and objections against it as “hang-ups” that you and her don’t have.
If she agrees to those premises, there is really no reason NOT to go home with you…
Which is why the mastery over this one skill gets you about 80% of the way there, so long as your fundamentals are in place.
And if she agrees to these frames, all you have to do is gradually
escalate towards sex, while coming across as trustworthy enough of a
guy to go home with… In other words, as someone who won’t leave her
hacked to pieces in a dumpster somewhere.
Does This Work on Every Girl?
If there is a magic bullet in seduction, the sexual frame IS IT. If you talk about sex with her in a way that leads you both to agree that sex is good and not having sex is bad, then there is really only one thing left to do…
…hit the bed.
And the better you get at framing, the more eloquent you become in your verbal skills and the more subtly you can come to this kind of agreement, the more girls will end up sleeping with you the first night you meet them.
I’m at a point now where almost all first dates or first encounters end in sex the same night… however, I’ve also noticed a pattern when it does NOT happen.
And that pattern comes down to a crucial distinction that most
people I’ve talked to aren’t aware of.
I’ve coined a term for that distinction… it is the difference between internal and external frames.
Internal vs. External Frames
The reason why you have to frame sexuality in a positive light is simple – most people ALREADY have default frames about sex in their minds, and these frames usually come from society or religion, and are therefore often negative.
However, there are two TYPES of negative frames a girl might have about sex - internal and external ones.
- External frames are those
imposed by society
that she doesn't like. Sexual framing gets around those.
I've had TWO virgins come over to my place, explicitly for nothing but casual sex (!), because I out-framed the negative ideas their teachers and priests had put into their minds… these girls WANTED to be naughty.
I once picked up a girl who was on her way to church, bible in-hand, and slept with her on the first date. She talked about Jesus before we got down to the action, but I was easily able to out-frame these ideas because she didn't LIKE the limitations her priest had set her.
The basic idea of sexual framing is FREEING HER from the limitations society has imposed on her and her sexual expression.
- Internal frames, on the other
hand, are those (in
this case negative) beliefs about sex that a girl actually LIKES.
This one is a tall hurdle. It would take more than a few hours (probably months) to exert big enough an influence to undo someone’s core beliefs.
I’ve once had a former “friend with benefits” that I hadn't slept with in a year get back in touch with me, and she plain refused to sleep with me the first time we met again… "Because it's the 1st date again, and I don't do that... next time."
She knew it would have been okay… after all, we’d had sex before.
But, she didn't WANT to hook up the first night... it was an INTERNAL frame.
There are also girls who consider religion more important than anything else in life… and if she is truly convinced that she will go to hell if she sleeps with you before you guys get married, chances are… it won’t happen.
Men Who Don’t Like Sex
Let’s look at a male counter example of an internal sexual frame.
Just like some girls are simply not open to the idea of hooking up the first night, no matter what kinds of frames you set, there are also guys who are simply not open to the idea of a monogamous relationship (I am one of those guys).
I’m not against exclusivity because of something someone once told me… it is not an external frame for me. Rather, it is a life style choice I have made because I value my freedom and independence more than I value the certainty that a girl I’m dating isn’t seeing any other men.
This is an internal frame I have… and no girl could ever frame me into exclusivity with verbal jiu-jitsu, and much less in 3-4 hours.
Another counter example are men who have spiritual beliefs that lead them to have bad frames about sex.
That’s right… guys who don’t want to have sex… absurd as that may sound.
In fact, I used to be one of them… a couple of years ago, I was on a really spiritual “trip” for a while and stayed sexually abstinent. During that time, I ended up having two girls naked in front of me, begging to be f***ed, and I didn’t do the honor…
I had negative INTERNAL frames about sex at the time, and I know the girls couldn't have out-framed them… these frames WERE no external limitation I needed to be freed from, but an INTERNAL belief… what’s more, they were an internal belief that was probably at identity level at the time, and you can’t change identity level beliefs without tackling changing someone’s identity at the same time - and THAT’S a tall order, no matter how you cut it.
Marriage and Framing
Now, the biggest proponents of framing always cite the example of marriage as proof of its power, and to show how irrelevant a woman’s objections to a sexual encounter really are.
After all, what objection to short time frame sex would be more real and solid than that of her being married?
She’s risking a divorce, plus a host of social and financial repercussions, should she get caught.
The distinction between internal and external frames solves this mystery… her objections to cheating on her husband are EXTERNAL frames. If she’s been married for a while, she’s probably not as attracted to her partner anymore as she used to be (see the post on the 2 Year Drop).
The limitation of her freedom to experience an adventure and hook up with a new man are EXTERNAL barriers, imposed on her by society… barriers that she WANTS to be freed from, because she is no longer in love with her husband.
And if she’s tipsy and just had a fight with him, then all bets are off…
On the other hand, if she just got
married last week and is still
madly in love with her husband, then her marriage is an INTERNAL
obstacle to hooking up with you… it’s nothing she wants to be
from, and your framing is not going to have much of an effect.
The sexual frame is VERY powerful… and it is THE most important instrument in my tool box.
And, you should always ASSUME that any objections she might have to sexuality are EXTERNAL frames. Ignore negative frames she might set (don’t even debate them), and instead free her from society’s limitations with the frames YOU set.
However, if you run into a girl that you can’t get agreement on a sexual frame with, don’t berate yourself too much either… some people have a very conservative world view and hold on to it very tightly… you don’t need to beat your head against the wall.
There is another girl around the corner who looks just like her, but
who’s a lot more open minded.
How to Lay “Internal Frame Girls”
Internal Frame girls can be laid as well… the only difference is, their seductions are harder to ACCELERATE.
With an internal frame girl, you simply have to go at her speed…
If you keep pushing frames on her, you're just amplifying her resistance. And if you escalate too fast physically and beyond what she’s comfortable with, you risk hitting a brick wall and ending up with a girl who won’t pick up the phone when you call.
You should probably make this experience a couple of times, simply to find out how far you can go… if you’ve never hit the limits of what’s possible, you have no way of knowing what these limits actually are.
After experimenting with this sort of “over-escalation” for a while, though, tone it back a bit… and especially if she’s an internal frame girl who doesn’t buy into your liberal ideas about sexuality, lean back and take it at her speed if you really want her.
That should really never mean more than three dates… if she still isn’t willing to hook up with you after that, she’s either not that into you, or psychologically damaged, or more conservative than you probably want to deal with…
…but don’t be too upset if things don’t always happen the first night.
They usually do, once you have your fundamentals handled and your process down… but not always.
And in some cases, a hands-off second date will make her comfortable enough to let the clothes come flying off the third time you meet up.
You see, the great distinction is that with external-frame chicks, you can constantly imply subtly (or not so subtly, depending on the vibe you have with her) that "I'm going to fuck you before this night is through"… and as long as you set the right frames, that’s going to fly.
You still do need to set the sexual frames with internal-frame girls too though, but you don't want to debate them on these frames at all.
Eventually, you’ll get them both.
The world is yours, chico.
Onward and upward,
UPDATE: Check out my follow-up post to this one, “Sexual Framing: More on Using This to Get
Girls,” for even more tips and technical details on
deploying the sexual frame in your seductions.
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