I don't talk much about neuro-linguistic programming on here because it's a little less intuitive a topic, its effects are often difficult to discern, and you require a certain way about yourself to really pull much of NLP off to good effect (i.e., a very calming, soothing, entrancing manner).
One concept often associated with NLP I feel you should absolutely be aware of, though, is anchoring; namely because it's one that is fairly simple to get your mind around, at least at a basic level, but has profound effects throughout the course of an interaction, and a seduction.
Anchoring is a cognitive effect - it occurs in the mind - that happens with everyone, is nearly unavoidable, and very much influences future feelings, actions, and decisions.
Use it properly, and you can not only steer women in the direction you want to go more easily, but you can actually direct their emotions to a greater degree than you'd be able to without it.
There are two kinds of anchoring I recommend spending a little time learning about or practicing; both of these are very useful, and quite interesting in their own ways:
- Emotional anchoring
- Expectation anchoring
Emotional anchoring is the kind you'll hear about most frequently in men's dating advice. This is where you condition a woman to feel certain emotions about you, a situation, or an object.
Expectation anchoring is something that's used more often in negotiation, but is equally applicable for most social interaction as well. This is using somewhat absurd or extreme starting point anchors to make it easier to attain one's actual objective.
Used properly, both forms of anchoring can be fun, can really build up the energy and excitement of an interaction, and can quickly propel you and the women you employ these tactics with on some truly memorable adventures - they're quite far from the "manipulative" tactics some might make them out to be.
Of course, in order to attain those desired end points, you've got to know how to use these, and you've got to understand what you're doing with them and what your objectives are.
How Emotional Anchoring Works
Emotional anchoring is the simplest concept in the world, at root: people associate to you the emotions they feel around you. That means:
If a girl meets you while you're dancing and partying wildly in a nightclub, she's going to associate feelings of wildness and frivolity with you
If a girl goes shopping with you and has some warm, platonic conversations with you, she's going to associate feelings of comfortable, nonsexual friendship with you
If a girl has a conversation with you laced with sexual intrigue, innuendo, and touch, she's going to associate feelings of excitement and arousal with you - or of disappointment and frustration if you peaked her emotions too high and did not follow through on the escalation window she subsequently gave you
We can use the understanding of emotional anchoring to get a handle on things like why a girl may be really excited to meet you, then never respond to one of your attempts to contact her again. Why does this happen?
Well - something it took me years to really get figured out - when you meet women in a really high energy state, for example (say at a nightclub), and you're full of bouncy, fun, explosive energy, and that's all she ever sees from you, right there in that moment she's going to feel alive to be around you, and when she trades phone numbers with you she's going to feel great.
But when she gets that text from you Monday morning at work, in her dull gray cubicle in front of a boring computer screen, the emotions she has anchored to you of "wild, crazy funness!" come with that text, and because she's so far from that emotional state, her instinct is to snap her phone off and not reply... she can't even think about the emotions she has anchored to you right now.
It doesn't matter that you're at work now too.
It doesn't matter that you're not in "wild, crazy club guy" mode any longer, and you're just as calm as she is.
The only thing that matters is the emotion she has anchored to you in her head, how that makes her feel when she gets a message from you, and how well (or not) that emotion meshes with what mode she's currently in.
You meet a girl in a low key situation - say a bookstore, or the street - something that's not too different, atmosphere-wise, from anything else she's going to be doing in her life, whether that's sitting in class or having lunch at the taco shop. The two of you hit it off, and you quickly get into both deep diving and creating some exciting sexual tension for her, before you get her phone number and then leave.
Now when you text her later, and it's early morning and she's at work or in school, she gets your text, and the emotions she has anchored to you come rushing back - and, because these emotions occurred in a setting similar to the one she's in right now, and aren't so radically different from what she's experiencing now that she can't relate to them, they come back to her, she accepts them, and she feels good and excited to hear from you. Thus, she responds, and thus, you end up quickly setting up a date.
Anchoring of emotions, and the connect or disconnect with what a girl is feeling later when you contact her, is a huge part of why she'll choose to respond to you or not, and how enthusiastic or not she'll be when she does.
It's also why, usually, phone numbers you get during the daytime convert far better than phone numbers you get in nighttime venues: because the emotions recalled by your text during the day when she's met you during the day are just far more relatable and easily accepted by her than those she feels when she's met you at night.
How Expectation Anchoring Works
Here's what I mean by expectation anchoring:
Normal Expectations (Setting Up Date
Him: You're really a lot of fun.
Him: Yeah... we should get lunch sometime.
Her: That'd be cool!
Her expectations now are that they will have a date, or something like a date. Because he's anchored this expectation to himself now, when she thinks about him, she is EXPECTING a date - and she's also open to it, because she's already agreed.
A lot of men skip this part, and just assume that if they ask a girl for her contact information without specifically stating that it's because they want to see her again, she's just going to know this and everything'll just be dandy. But in fact, most men who only grab phone numbers without stating that it's because they want to take a girl on a date then proceed to engage in long processes of flirting and chatting and trying to re-woo the girl over distance before they're able to summon up the courage to ask her out - so, when all you ask her for is her number, this is what she expects, instead (and because it's so annoying to women when men do this, you're a lot more likely to just hear a "no, that's okay").
Another form of expectation anchoring:
Normal Expectations (Setting Up Date
Him: You're really a lot of fun.
Him: But you're totally the type of girl who'd just take advantage of me if I ever ended up somewhere alone with her.
Her: [laughs] Yeah... you know me!
In this case, the man's using a chase frame to imply that she is in pursuit and sexually interested in him. Even if she wasn't, the anchor is now set, and her interest dial has just been moved a bit further along the path toward sexual. Most men are too afraid to go sexual though, or do it in a clumsy and un-fun way that women reject, so they never create these anchors, or their anchors do not stick.
You can also use anchors to raise or lower expectations. A common example is that of the sales pitch in which the sales person says, "This item is usually $4,500... but we have a special going on right now for only $1,500." Even if you walked out of the house swearing you weren't going to pay anything more than $800 for that item, because anything more than $800 was a complete rip-off, the very fact that the salesman first anchored a higher price, then came in with a lower one makes it feel like you're getting a bargain.
It's why sales are so effective, and why it seems like things are always on sale at department stores. A shirt might be priced $30 in one store and not move a unit, but be priced $70 in a second store, marked with a "50% Off!" sign, and sell out of inventory.
With women, you're going to want to raise expectations for some situations, and lower them for others.
Which ones, I'll discuss in detail below.
I almost wanted to title this section "How to Drop Anchor", but we're not pirates or seamen here.
Well, not all of us.
A more intuitive way of thinking about anchoring is simply thinking about it like this: I want to set the right emotions and expectations for later. You must be planning around how you want a woman to feel in the future in order to set the right emotional and expectation anchors now.
These are the triggers that influence whether she's more inclined or less inclined to talk to you, see you again, or sleep with you later on.
Using Emotional Anchors
Remember, at its most fundamental level, emotional anchoring is about simplicity: have her associate the emotions with you that you want her to associate with you, and don't have her associate with you the emotions you don't want her to.
That means you want to encourage positive emotional anchors, and discourage negative ones. It also means you want to be sensitive to the kind of anchors you're setting... is she going to imagine you as some wild man she can't relate to in anything other than booze-fueled dance halls? If so, you're going to have a lot of trouble with her later.
Here are the main techniques to use for setting constructive emotional anchors and avoiding destructive ones:
Emotional contagion rules all. One of the reasons emotional transference is so important is not just because it allows you to help a woman along in the moment, but also because it creates emotional moments that, over time, get anchored into her memory of you, so that when she recalls you, she also recalls those emotions. Make her feel what you want her to feel - this is the first part of effective anchoring.
Lots of eye contact on good emotions, little on bad. When the two of you are vibing, in a bubble, whatever you want to call it, and there is just energy between you, you need to be staring dead into her eyes almost 100% of the time. However, if the conversation turns sour, and it's bad emotions being spoken about, get distracted; start looking around a bit - do it slowly, do it casually, but the communication should be that these are not topics that interest you. When the conversation is good again, gradually return to strong eye contact.
Cut bad topics, and ramp up good ones. You should be thread-cutting bad topics that show up, and moving off them as quickly as possible; similarly, amplify threads with deep diving when they are good threads you want to explore more. Again, when she looks back on the conversation, a girl is going to remember really enjoying her conversation with you, and spending little or not time talking about boring or unpleasant things - because you avoided those topics altogether, or got off of them immediately if she started them up.
Introduce nicknames and call back humor. These are very effective anchoring tools, most especially because they allow you to recall the emotion surrounding them any time, at any place. Some things to be aware of: you generally want to introduce these for the first time on a high point (she's laughing hard; the two of you are having lots of fun), and you'll want to avoid using them too liberally in non-fun situations. Every time a memory is accessed, the brain alters it and stores new information with it, so if a nickname or call back joke is used repeatedly in not-very-fun situations, it will soon lose the power it once held to recall earlier strongly positive emotions.
Dial up your interest on desired emotions; dial it down on undesired ones. When the conversation turns snappy and sexual, that's when you want to be leaning in more, smiling a bit more wily, throwing her all that strong, sticky eye contact, and making her feel wonderful, excited, and amazing. If she takes the conversation down a more platonic avenue, however, that's when it's time to withdraw some of that emotion: lean back, move to a more neutral face or put on a bored look or a skeptical look or just look disinterested, scan about the room every so often. What you're doing is anchoring the positive experience of your attention (which, if she finds you attractive and is emotionally associating herself with you, she will value and want), and anchoring a lack of this attention to more platonic interaction. Because of this anchor, she will be a lot more likely to begin steering the interaction in sexual directions herself, because she wants to regain the good feelings she had while being sexual with you, and dislikes the attention vacuum she gets being merely friendly.
These are all (except for nicknames / call back) mostly passive anchors, if you've noticed; I'm not talking about things like tapping her wrist and anchoring that to feeling sexually excited or anything like that. I don't use things like that; they may be effective, but I don't have personal experience with them, so I can't say either way.
What I can tell you is that using emotional anchoring to anchor positive, excited, and sexual emotions to you in her mind makes her a lot more receptive to your attempts to move her, take her home, physically escalate with her, get her one dates, and more... simply because she feels those emotions with you, has anchored those emotions to you, and whenever she thinks about you or thinks about what is to come with you, these thoughts are colored by the emotions her brain has tied subconsciously to any thinking she does of you.
Using Expectation Anchoring
mind with expectation anchoring is this: whatever expectation you anchor her with is
what she's going to expect the end result to be closest to. This
has a variety of different permutations, and you'll use it in different
Really nice hotel. When you're traveling, it's better to oversell your hotel or the place of a friend you're crashing with as being really nice and amazing. This does a couple of things for you:
There in the moment, it makes women more likely to go back with you, just out of curiosity to experience this amazing place
But once there, it also makes them more likely to err on the side of thinking it's an okay enough place
Case in point: if your hotel room is "just okay", and you tell her it's "just okay", and she comes back anyway (and that's a crapshoot with a "just okay" hotel, unless she's really into you), when she gets there she's going to say, "Yeah, it's just okay," and still be disappointed anyway... and that emotion of disappointment will sometimes wreak havoc on your attempts to get her in bed. When you tell her it's amazing, and she arrives there and it's just okay, she's going to look around and say, "Wait - is this amazing? Well... not really. I guess it's an okay place, though." She'll actually have a MORE favorable impression with the oversold anchor - even though it's the same hotel both times. The disappointment of it not being all that great still is not enough to offset all the excitement and anticipation she had prior to arriving of lounging in some palace of a hotel, and the net effect is still a positive emotional boost - which makes her more friendly to you, and more open to intimacy.
Really crummy apartment. The flip side of this is your apartment or house that you own or rent. Here, you'll want the reverse expectations - anchor an emotion of, "My place is a little run down, and it has some leaks, and the floors are really shitty, but we're just grabbing a drink, so it should be okay," and her expectations are going to set her to expect a dump - which makes her start writing you off as a possible boyfriend. That makes the decision all the simpler for her to go to bed with you - and when you arrive at your place and she finds out it's nicer than she expected, well, she's already made up her mind to go to bed with you anyway, even if the reason that pushed her to decide as much no longer applies.
When you want to meet soon. When you've just grabbed contact information from a girl and you want to meet with her as soon as possible, be a little overly ridiculous in how you communicate that to her while still in person. "We should meet soon. We should meet tonight! Wouldn't that be crazy?!" She'll protest - she's really busy - and you'll say, "I know, I know; I'm just being silly. I'll text you." But now she's primed to meet with you very soon - like, say, tomorrow.
When you want to meet much later. If you meet a girl just as you're leaving town, and you're not going to be back for a while, and there's no way you can make it work now but you WANT to see her again whenever you're back sometime in the not-so-near future, be a little overly dramatic in how you anchor expectations. You might grab her contact information and say, "I don't know when I'll be back. It might be five years. It might be 10. But when I do, I want to see you. Will you meet me in 10 years if I can't make it back for 10 years?" She'll laugh, and say "of course"... but now when you want to meet up with her 2 years later, she'll still have kept it in mind, and will have a very romantic anchor of a long-lost star-crossed romance in her head about the two of you. I've had several such long-interval reconnections with girls, and these are ALWAYS very special (for you and her).
These are just a few of the more dramatic expectation anchoring hacks, but there are a bunch more - everything from you've got to leave her in a crowded bar, but you don't want her to go ("I'll be gone like 30 seconds. Literally, DON'T MOVE! Just stay there" even if you have to leave for 5 minutes; she's less likely to leave and more likely to perceive less time having passed if you tell her 30 seconds than 5 minutes) to setting early stage relationship expectations ("I'm super busy, and on travel a lot... are you going to go crazy if we only see each other once a month? I'm kidding, it's not actually THAT bad, but I really do have a lot on my plate" if you only want to see her once a week).
Is Anchoring "Good" or "Bad"?
I don't think it's either, really. It's just a thing. For expectation anchoring, this is really just over-exaggeration - which is something that pretty much every women on this planet uses.
Emotional anchoring is something you'll come to do unconsciously as you gain more social experience and get comfortable walking away from people who can't give you what you want - you'll naturally snap to attention when they're headed the right direction, and you'll grow impatient and disinterested if they start wasting your time. You'll use nick names because they work, call back because it works, cut bad topics because they suck, and dig into good ones because they're interesting.
Learning these techniques consciously is really just leaping ahead of the learning curve. I can tell you that I, for one, was not conscious of any of the expectation anchoring techniques I listed above except for the one on hotels and the one on apartments until I sat down and wrote this; to get more examples, I had to sit and think about what I do that oversells or undersells expectations, and anchors feelings that will lead to either anticipation and underwhelm, or lack of enthusiasm and thus more simplified decision making. These were mostly things I just picked up as effective and learned to do more somewhere along the way - maybe I had some girl use one of them on me and adopted it, maybe I heard someone else use one of these and tried it out myself, maybe I stumbled upon it while searching for the right thing to say. Then it became just another part of the repertoire I relied on.
Same deal with emotional anchoring, although I was a bit more
conscious of the fact that I was trying to avoid anchoring negative
emotions and foster the anchoring of positive ones while I put together
my strategy for this.
Used correctly, anchoring offers you some serious firepower to set the right expectations and use certain triggers to make women begin taking actions that are going to lead you down the road you both want to go down.
Being able to anchor strong positive emotions to you, and set under- or oversold expectations for what you're about to do allows you to move that much more fluidly through the seduction process, and avoid that many more headaches.