How to Use Anchoring to Mesmerize Women

anchoringI don't talk much about neuro-linguistic programming on here because it's a little less intuitive a topic, its effects are often difficult to discern, and you require a certain way about yourself to really pull much of NLP off to good effect (i.e., a very calming, soothing, entrancing manner).

One concept often associated with NLP I feel you should absolutely be aware of, though, is anchoring; namely because it's one that is fairly simple to get your mind around, at least at a basic level, but has profound effects throughout the course of an interaction, and a seduction.

Anchoring is a cognitive effect - it occurs in the mind - that happens with everyone, is nearly unavoidable, and very much influences future feelings, actions, and decisions.

Use it properly, and you can not only steer women in the direction you want to go more easily, but you can actually direct their emotions to a greater degree than you'd be able to without it.


There are two kinds of anchoring I recommend spending a little time learning about or practicing; both of these are very useful, and quite interesting in their own ways:

  • Emotional anchoring
  • Expectation anchoring

Emotional anchoring is the kind you'll hear about most frequently in men's dating advice. This is where you condition a woman to feel certain emotions about you, a situation, or an object.

Expectation anchoring is something that's used more often in negotiation, but is equally applicable for most social interaction as well. This is using somewhat absurd or extreme starting point anchors to make it easier to attain one's actual objective.

Used properly, both forms of anchoring can be fun, can really build up the energy and excitement of an interaction, and can quickly propel you and the women you employ these tactics with on some truly memorable adventures - they're quite far from the "manipulative" tactics some might make them out to be.

Of course, in order to attain those desired end points, you've got to know how to use these, and you've got to understand what you're doing with them and what your objectives are.

How Emotional Anchoring Works

Emotional anchoring is the simplest concept in the world, at root: people associate to you the emotions they feel around you. That means:

  • If a girl meets you while you're dancing and partying wildly in a nightclub, she's going to associate feelings of wildness and frivolity with you

  • If a girl goes shopping with you and has some warm, platonic conversations with you, she's going to associate feelings of comfortable, nonsexual friendship with you

  • If a girl has a conversation with you laced with sexual intrigue, innuendo, and touch, she's going to associate feelings of excitement and arousal with you - or of disappointment and frustration if you peaked her emotions too high and did not follow through on the escalation window she subsequently gave you

We can use the understanding of emotional anchoring to get a handle on things like why a girl may be really excited to meet you, then never respond to one of your attempts to contact her again. Why does this happen?

Well - something it took me years to really get figured out - when you meet women in a really high energy state, for example (say at a nightclub), and you're full of bouncy, fun, explosive energy, and that's all she ever sees from you, right there in that moment she's going to feel alive to be around you, and when she trades phone numbers with you she's going to feel great.

But when she gets that text from you Monday morning at work, in her dull gray cubicle in front of a boring computer screen, the emotions she has anchored to you of "wild, crazy funness!" come with that text, and because she's so far from that emotional state, her instinct is to snap her phone off and not reply... she can't even think about the emotions she has anchored to you right now.

It doesn't matter that you're at work now too.

It doesn't matter that you're not in "wild, crazy club guy" mode any longer, and you're just as calm as she is.

The only thing that matters is the emotion she has anchored to you in her head, how that makes her feel when she gets a message from you, and how well (or not) that emotion meshes with what mode she's currently in.

Another example:

You meet a girl in a low key situation - say a bookstore, or the street - something that's not too different, atmosphere-wise, from anything else she's going to be doing in her life, whether that's sitting in class or having lunch at the taco shop. The two of you hit it off, and you quickly get into both deep diving and creating some exciting sexual tension for her, before you get her phone number and then leave.

Now when you text her later, and it's early morning and she's at work or in school, she gets your text, and the emotions she has anchored to you come rushing back - and, because these emotions occurred in a setting similar to the one she's in right now, and aren't so radically different from what she's experiencing now that she can't relate to them, they come back to her, she accepts them, and she feels good and excited to hear from you. Thus, she responds, and thus, you end up quickly setting up a date.


Anchoring of emotions, and the connect or disconnect with what a girl is feeling later when you contact her, is a huge part of why she'll choose to respond to you or not, and how enthusiastic or not she'll be when she does.

It's also why, usually, phone numbers you get during the daytime convert far better than phone numbers you get in nighttime venues: because the emotions recalled by your text during the day when she's met you during the day are just far more relatable and easily accepted by her than those she feels when she's met you at night.

How Expectation Anchoring Works

Here's what I mean by expectation anchoring:

Normal Expectations (Setting Up Date Expectations)

Him: You're really a lot of fun.

Her: Thanks!

Him: Yeah... we should get lunch sometime.

Her: That'd be cool!

Her expectations now are that they will have a date, or something like a date. Because he's anchored this expectation to himself now, when she thinks about him, she is EXPECTING a date - and she's also open to it, because she's already agreed.

A lot of men skip this part, and just assume that if they ask a girl for her contact information without specifically stating that it's because they want to see her again, she's just going to know this and everything'll just be dandy. But in fact, most men who only grab phone numbers without stating that it's because they want to take a girl on a date then proceed to engage in long processes of flirting and chatting and trying to re-woo the girl over distance before they're able to summon up the courage to ask her out - so, when all you ask her for is her number, this is what she expects, instead (and because it's so annoying to women when men do this, you're a lot more likely to just hear a "no, that's okay").

Another form of expectation anchoring:

Normal Expectations (Setting Up Date Expectations)

Him: You're really a lot of fun.

Her: Thanks!

Him: But you're totally the type of girl who'd just take advantage of me if I ever ended up somewhere alone with her.

Her: [laughs] Yeah... you know me!

In this case, the man's using a chase frame to imply that she is in pursuit and sexually interested in him. Even if she wasn't, the anchor is now set, and her interest dial has just been moved a bit further along the path toward sexual. Most men are too afraid to go sexual though, or do it in a clumsy and un-fun way that women reject, so they never create these anchors, or their anchors do not stick.

You can also use anchors to raise or lower expectations. A common example is that of the sales pitch in which the sales person says, "This item is usually $4,500... but we have a special going on right now for only $1,500." Even if you walked out of the house swearing you weren't going to pay anything more than $800 for that item, because anything more than $800 was a complete rip-off, the very fact that the salesman first anchored a higher price, then came in with a lower one makes it feel like you're getting a bargain.

It's why sales are so effective, and why it seems like things are always on sale at department stores. A shirt might be priced $30 in one store and not move a unit, but be priced $70 in a second store, marked with a "50% Off!" sign, and sell out of inventory.

With women, you're going to want to raise expectations for some situations, and lower them for others.

Which ones, I'll discuss in detail below.


I almost wanted to title this section "How to Drop Anchor", but we're not pirates or seamen here.

Well, not all of us.

A more intuitive way of thinking about anchoring is simply thinking about it like this: I want to set the right emotions and expectations for later. You must be planning around how you want a woman to feel in the future in order to set the right emotional and expectation anchors now.

These are the triggers that influence whether she's more inclined or less inclined to talk to you, see you again, or sleep with you later on.

Using Emotional Anchors

Remember, at its most fundamental level, emotional anchoring is about simplicity: have her associate the emotions with you that you want her to associate with you, and don't have her associate with you the emotions you don't want her to.

That means you want to encourage positive emotional anchors, and discourage negative ones. It also means you want to be sensitive to the kind of anchors you're setting... is she going to imagine you as some wild man she can't relate to in anything other than booze-fueled dance halls? If so, you're going to have a lot of trouble with her later.

Here are the main techniques to use for setting constructive emotional anchors and avoiding destructive ones:

  1. Emotional contagion rules all. One of the reasons emotional transference is so important is not just because it allows you to help a woman along in the moment, but also because it creates emotional moments that, over time, get anchored into her memory of you, so that when she recalls you, she also recalls those emotions. Make her feel what you want her to feel - this is the first part of effective anchoring.

  2. Lots of eye contact on good emotions, little on bad. When the two of you are vibing, in a bubble, whatever you want to call it, and there is just energy between you, you need to be staring dead into her eyes almost 100% of the time. However, if the conversation turns sour, and it's bad emotions being spoken about, get distracted; start looking around a bit - do it slowly, do it casually, but the communication should be that these are not topics that interest you. When the conversation is good again, gradually return to strong eye contact.

  3. Cut bad topics, and ramp up good ones. You should be thread-cutting bad topics that show up, and moving off them as quickly as possible; similarly, amplify threads with deep diving when they are good threads you want to explore more. Again, when she looks back on the conversation, a girl is going to remember really enjoying her conversation with you, and spending little or not time talking about boring or unpleasant things - because you avoided those topics altogether, or got off of them immediately if she started them up.

  4. Introduce nicknames and call back humor. These are very effective anchoring tools, most especially because they allow you to recall the emotion surrounding them any time, at any place. Some things to be aware of: you generally want to introduce these for the first time on a high point (she's laughing hard; the two of you are having lots of fun), and you'll want to avoid using them too liberally in non-fun situations. Every time a memory is accessed, the brain alters it and stores new information with it, so if a nickname or call back joke is used repeatedly in not-very-fun situations, it will soon lose the power it once held to recall earlier strongly positive emotions.

  5. Dial up your interest on desired emotions; dial it down on undesired ones. When the conversation turns snappy and sexual, that's when you want to be leaning in more, smiling a bit more wily, throwing her all that strong, sticky eye contact, and making her feel wonderful, excited, and amazing. If she takes the conversation down a more platonic avenue, however, that's when it's time to withdraw some of that emotion: lean back, move to a more neutral face or put on a bored look or a skeptical look or just look disinterested, scan about the room every so often. What you're doing is anchoring the positive experience of your attention (which, if she finds you attractive and is emotionally associating herself with you, she will value and want), and anchoring a lack of this attention to more platonic interaction. Because of this anchor, she will be a lot more likely to begin steering the interaction in sexual directions herself, because she wants to regain the good feelings she had while being sexual with you, and dislikes the attention vacuum she gets being merely friendly.

These are all (except for nicknames / call back) mostly passive anchors, if you've noticed; I'm not talking about things like tapping her wrist and anchoring that to feeling sexually excited or anything like that. I don't use things like that; they may be effective, but I don't have personal experience with them, so I can't say either way.

What I can tell you is that using emotional anchoring to anchor positive, excited, and sexual emotions to you in her mind makes her a lot more receptive to your attempts to move her, take her home, physically escalate with her, get her one dates, and more... simply because she feels those emotions with you, has anchored those emotions to you, and whenever she thinks about you or thinks about what is to come with you, these thoughts are colored by the emotions her brain has tied subconsciously to any thinking she does of you.

Using Expectation Anchoring

anchoringWhat to keep in mind with expectation anchoring is this: whatever expectation you anchor her with is what she's going to expect the end result to be closest to. This has a variety of different permutations, and you'll use it in different ways.

Here's how:

  1. Really nice hotel. When you're traveling, it's better to oversell your hotel or the place of a friend you're crashing with as being really nice and amazing. This does a couple of things for you:

    • There in the moment, it makes women more likely to go back with you, just out of curiosity to experience this amazing place

    • But once there, it also makes them more likely to err on the side of thinking it's an okay enough place

    Case in point: if your hotel room is "just okay", and you tell her it's "just okay", and she comes back anyway (and that's a crapshoot with a "just okay" hotel, unless she's really into you), when she gets there she's going to say, "Yeah, it's just okay," and still be disappointed anyway... and that emotion of disappointment will sometimes wreak havoc on your attempts to get her in bed. When you tell her it's amazing, and she arrives there and it's just okay, she's going to look around and say, "Wait - is this amazing? Well... not really. I guess it's an okay place, though." She'll actually have a MORE favorable impression with the oversold anchor - even though it's the same hotel both times. The disappointment of it not being all that great still is not enough to offset all the excitement and anticipation she had prior to arriving of lounging in some palace of a hotel, and the net effect is still a positive emotional boost - which makes her more friendly to you, and more open to intimacy.

  2. Really crummy apartment. The flip side of this is your apartment or house that you own or rent. Here, you'll want the reverse expectations - anchor an emotion of, "My place is a little run down, and it has some leaks, and the floors are really shitty, but we're just grabbing a drink, so it should be okay," and her expectations are going to set her to expect a dump - which makes her start writing you off as a possible boyfriend. That makes the decision all the simpler for her to go to bed with you - and when you arrive at your place and she finds out it's nicer than she expected, well, she's already made up her mind to go to bed with you anyway, even if the reason that pushed her to decide as much no longer applies.

  3. When you want to meet soon. When you've just grabbed contact information from a girl and you want to meet with her as soon as possible, be a little overly ridiculous in how you communicate that to her while still in person. "We should meet soon. We should meet tonight! Wouldn't that be crazy?!" She'll protest - she's really busy - and you'll say, "I know, I know; I'm just being silly. I'll text you." But now she's primed to meet with you very soon - like, say, tomorrow.

  4. When you want to meet much later. If you meet a girl just as you're leaving town, and you're not going to be back for a while, and there's no way you can make it work now but you WANT to see her again whenever you're back sometime in the not-so-near future, be a little overly dramatic in how you anchor expectations. You might grab her contact information and say, "I don't know when I'll be back. It might be five years. It might be 10. But when I do, I want to see you. Will you meet me in 10 years if I can't make it back for 10 years?" She'll laugh, and say "of course"... but now when you want to meet up with her 2 years later, she'll still have kept it in mind, and will have a very romantic anchor of a long-lost star-crossed romance in her head about the two of you. I've had several such long-interval reconnections with girls, and these are ALWAYS very special (for you and her).

These are just a few of the more dramatic expectation anchoring hacks, but there are a bunch more - everything from you've got to leave her in a crowded bar, but you don't want her to go ("I'll be gone like 30 seconds. Literally, DON'T MOVE! Just stay there" even if you have to leave for 5 minutes; she's less likely to leave and more likely to perceive less time having passed if you tell her 30 seconds than 5 minutes) to setting early stage relationship expectations ("I'm super busy, and on travel a lot... are you going to go crazy if we only see each other once a month? I'm kidding, it's not actually THAT bad, but I really do have a lot on my plate" if you only want to see her once a week).

Is Anchoring "Good" or "Bad"?

I don't think it's either, really. It's just a thing. For expectation anchoring, this is really just over-exaggeration - which is something that pretty much every women on this planet uses.

Emotional anchoring is something you'll come to do unconsciously as you gain more social experience and get comfortable walking away from people who can't give you what you want - you'll naturally snap to attention when they're headed the right direction, and you'll grow impatient and disinterested if they start wasting your time. You'll use nick names because they work, call back because it works, cut bad topics because they suck, and dig into good ones because they're interesting.

Learning these techniques consciously is really just leaping ahead of the learning curve. I can tell you that I, for one, was not conscious of any of the expectation anchoring techniques I listed above except for the one on hotels and the one on apartments until I sat down and wrote this; to get more examples, I had to sit and think about what I do that oversells or undersells expectations, and anchors feelings that will lead to either anticipation and underwhelm, or lack of enthusiasm and thus more simplified decision making. These were mostly things I just picked up as effective and learned to do more somewhere along the way - maybe I had some girl use one of them on me and adopted it, maybe I heard someone else use one of these and tried it out myself, maybe I stumbled upon it while searching for the right thing to say. Then it became just another part of the repertoire I relied on.

Same deal with emotional anchoring, although I was a bit more conscious of the fact that I was trying to avoid anchoring negative emotions and foster the anchoring of positive ones while I put together my strategy for this.

Used correctly, anchoring offers you some serious firepower to set the right expectations and use certain triggers to make women begin taking actions that are going to lead you down the road you both want to go down.

Being able to anchor strong positive emotions to you, and set under- or oversold expectations for what you're about to do allows you to move that much more fluidly through the seduction process, and avoid that many more headaches.


Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


Get Your FREE eBook on Texting Girls

how to text girls pdf

Sign up for our email insights series and get a copy of our popular ebook "How to Text Girls" FREE. Learn more ...

Related Articles from


Anonymous's picture

Great article, i need to digest it a bit and will post a comment later. In the meanwhile i have w comment from your investment article the other day.

In your investment article the other day you covered the importance of getting a woman to invest. Attraction goes up when she's busy thinking about you while she is investing.

Some women auto-invest while others seem to need a boss to tell them what to do. I have trouble with the second kind and I need some advice.

I by nature hate with a fucking passion being bossed around. I don't mind being in charge but its not always a mandatory thing, I actually more prefer a partnership where people play their own roles well, and invest on their own initiative for the betterment of the team.

However there are some women out here who seem to have a princess complex and will not invest much at all. I have failed at continually having to make them invest in part because I know the strong emotional reaction I feel toward someone telling me what to do.

So how do I get rid of this crippling emotion keeping me from being more dominant and bossy with women who do not take any initiative (wait on me to lead everything)? How to use frame control if I ask her to do something and she gives me grief?

Thing is, I've been independent for so long that I don't really need a woman to do anything for me (besides good convo and sex). I don't need her to cook, to clean, to find places to hang out, anything. If she does so on her own initiative i will appreciate it, but if she doesn't do so, i just do my own thing like ive always been doing. i just dont like asking other people to do things for me. This is why I prefer auto-investors.

Not logical I know but this is my emotional mental model, and as a result I am ambivalent about being more bossy with women. Yet we know that women tend to like more dominant and bossy men. I can dominate when it comes to sex but getting other forms of investment for the sake of attraction or seeing how well she can do what I ask her to do, I cringe at having to ask. So how do I fix this emotional problem? How to best think about the problem so when I'm faced with a woman with a woman who needs a boss I can act accordingly?

Chase Amante's picture


I think this is a pretty common problem for Western men who aren't business owners, managers, or athletes, or others who've spent time in an environment where they've grown accustomed to bossing others around. You really need to train yourself to make requests and give orders, and you're so used to being self-sufficient that there isn't really anything you actually want or need from a girl.

The way to learn this is to force yourself into a habit of never turning down investment from women when they offer to give it, and routinely asking for little things from the very start of an interaction, graduating to calmly and smoothly commanding women to do things for you as you get more comfortable with this.

An easy starting point is noticing something interesting a girl has, and asking her to see it: "That's a neat bracelet - may I?" then taking her hand and pulling it toward you to inspect it. "Is there a story behind this, or is it just for decoration?" you'll ask.

Easy compliance to start with:

  • "That's a nice [x] - may I see it?"
  • "How's that [food or drink]? Any good? Here, let me have a [bite / sip]."
  • "Let's move over here and get out of the way of all the foot traffic."

Articles that will help on this:

As you get more comfortable asking for and demanding compliance, you can graduate to more insistent demands, like the hard push / hard sell talked about in "Don't Let Her Go" and "Addressing Women's Objections."

But for now, start with light, low pressure requests, and gradually move up to increasingly audacious demands and you get more comfortable and more confident asking women for investment.


thedesignertom's picture

Hey Chase,

Just got 2 quick questions for you man, first is: When you're talking to women in a normal conversation, should you swear whilst talking or does that come across as being unpolite?

My next question is: How do you be a gentlemen (let her through doors first etc) without coming across as too nice and letting her take advantage of you?


Chase Amante's picture


You don't want to be the mile-a-minute swearer, but it's generally good to include a few swear words somewhat early on into your conversation with new women to show them you aren't a goody two shoes. You don't want these to be TOO obvious, otherwise it looks like you're going for the effect... I like responding to some outlandish story a girl's just told me with, "That's fucking crazy," or describing things about myself in a self-deprecating way as "really shitty", like, "Sure, I'll play you at darts if you want, but, fair warning, I used to be pretty shitty at them and just started to get a little okay, so don't go getting us into any high stakes competition with the local dart hustlers or anything."

On being a gentleman without a pushover - see this article: "How to Be a Gentleman." The main point of that one is a REAL gentleman is someone who shows consideration for her without inconveniencing himself.


George Montague's picture


allow me first to sincerely thank you for all the work you do to impart your wisdom to others, and to better people; you have contributed significantly to furthering my efforts with women and life. Thank you.

I have a bit of a question regarding how to present myself to women. I moved to America from England a couple years ago, and it has resulted in a lot of early interest from women. However, I'm often slotted into the boyfriend category, because they see me as being a rare commodity (built-in scarcity due to a lack of British men in America). It also makes it trickier to get them talking about themselves, because often, they are genuinely interested in my story from the beginning of acquaintanceship.

How would you suggest dealing with these frustrations, and do you have any tips on using my difference to my advantage.

Thanks once more,

Chase Amante's picture


I think a lot of American women view British men as "dream boyfriends" / "dream husbands", so you get a LOT of excitement from them ("Oh! He's SO refined! Just listen to his accent!"), but it's rather different from the way they react to, say, Italian or Spanish men ("Oh! He's SO sexy! Just listen to his accent!"). However, you still have plenty of sex appeal - my British friends who've spent time in America have usually had little trouble cleaning up there.

The main thing you probably want to stress is that you're not sure how much longer you'll be in America (even if you're 99% sure you're going to stay... hey, that's still not 100%, right? And theoretically, you COULD be leaving at any given moment). e.g., imagine you're James Bond visiting America on a special mission, and you'll be there for a short time, but then you'll be gone - and you don't want to give women the wrong idea. Get into the habit of telling the women you meet that America is great and you've really fallen in love with the country, but you don't know how much longer you'll be here, and you should start to see some discernable differences.

As far as them repeatedly endeavoring to put the spotlight back on you - see these articles for details on returning the spotlight to women (even if they're repeatedly returning the spotlight to YOU):

The main gist is, give a short-but-interesting answer, then put the spotlight back on her. Her being interested in you and wanting to probe into your background is GOOD; but, you only want to give her little spoonfuls, and continually turn the conversation back to her. This can really get you into a fun dynamic, where she wants to know more about you... you give her a little intriguing bit... then you ask her more about her - she feels the two of you are connecting because you're getting to know her just as she's getting to know you - she then asks you about the next intriguing thing about you she's dying to know, and again you answer, and again you return the spotlight to her.


Satanloves's picture


Anonymous's picture

hey chase on another article you stated that as you get older it's important to be established in some way, whilst toning it down enough to
Still be viewed as the lover. Can you give me some kind of general idea as to what kind of age rang needs this establishment in their lives. I'm in my 30's now and in no means do I own any big businesses or have the ability to stay in expensive hotels etc and to be honest I don't think I ever will. I sill seem do well with women though via toning down the provider roll.

Because I find it hard to grasp exactly the best way of placing yourself as a lover. On one hand it seems it's most effective to say/imply that your unemployed etc so she just thinks to herself oh theirs no point in anything serious but he's still sexy. but on the other hand it seems more effective to I guess say that your unemployed but leave her wondering if actually your pretty successfull.

Surely the latter will leave her thinking that a relationship with you could actually be a good idea. I can't work out how to go about this one.

Maybe either are ok and it's simply up to you to work on which ever method works best for you?

Chase Amante's picture


On being established, it differs by culture, but I can say that in the United States at least, by your mid- to late-30s, you want to be somewhat established, and by your mid-40s it's more or less mandatory that you have something to your name. By the time you're in your 50s, you're assumed to be successful, or else you're just another ordinary, unimpressive 50-year-old.

On hinting flatly that you're unemployed vs. hinting that you're unemployed but not worried about money - this depends on how conservative the woman is. The more open minded / liberal / modern she is, the more you want to hint at full unemployment, since that won't faze her if you're dressed well and otherwise look attractive. The more closed-minded / conservative / traditional she is, the more you want to suggest that you're probably not terribly worried about money, even if you don't exactly inhabit a traditional role in society; more traditional women simply cannot relate to men that have NOTHING going on, and close off around them, so you need some hint of something there to get you in the door unless you want to tooth-and-nail your way in (which doesn't always work).


Anonymous's picture

Hey chase,

Heres a different situation i want to discuss, dont know if you would agree but would still like your opinion. I met a girl through a social circle. Was difficult but i managed to get a date with her somehow. It went awesome, perfect emotional peaking, a lot of touch everything i also managed to end up at her place but carefully enough she kept her distance in the end of the meeting later she told she has a boyfriend. But it clearly suggested she had interest in me. We also went on another meeting i wouldnt call it a date, where i managed to deep dive with a little sexual talk about our pasts and so on. I have indeed read all your articles on girls with boyfriends and the morality, but somehow i wouldnt want to push the deal myself. But this particular girl i would like to keep invested in me without me investing a lot . I am stilll going for other girls. Would you totally write off this step? Is there some way i can not sleep with her but still keep the intrigue long enough such that i dont get into the friend zone but can sieze the opportunity sometime.

Chase Amante's picture


With women you're not going to sleep with you, want to cut contact generally until you're in a place where you're ready to sleep with them.

The reason being that the more face time you put in with a woman, the more she figures out what "spot" you occupy in her life, and the harder it will be later on to wiggle out of that spot. Even if you get a lot of sexual banter going on for the next year, eventually she'll come to see you as her "sexual banter friend", and you suddenly one day going for intimacy will be strange and uncomfortable for her.

Conversely, if you simply drop her and pick back up with her again whenever you feel ready to do so, you stand a much higher likelihood of having things go in a sexual direction. You can use this text to get back in touch with her again when you're ready for it: "Check-In Text If You Haven't Texted in a While."


Bolt's picture

Chase, I'm a sophomore in college and I was wondering how did you accumulate your seemingly endless knowledge of social interactions. what did you study during your academic years? In short,.I'm curious as to how you acquired all this knowledge and how you would recommend someone like me start?

Chase Amante's picture


Part of it's that I've been fascinated with relationships and social dynamics since I was very young, and that I've also been conducting little social experiments to gauge how people would react to me changing this thing or doing that thing or behaving some other way. Part of it is that I read a lot of scientific research, and zero in especially on findings about sociology and psychology. Part of it is that I spent time voraciously consuming all the information I could get my hands on from the sources I found to have the best understanding of it when I stumbled on the seduction community, and trained under the guys I considered the most knowledgeable, and part of it is just that I've spent a fair bit of time in the field in every kind of social interaction you can imagine, and then broke each of these down after the fact to tease out the lessons and why one thing went one way and not another way. I've also been participating in discussion forums and teaching guys for years, and that forces you to be able to break things down and think about them in a way that little else does; if you want to know, teach.

When you're starting out, I think the best recommendation is consume material from people you think know what you're talking about - if that's me, you'd go through the article here or read my book, for instance - and get active in a community where you can participate in sharing your findings and hearing from others and debating and thinking and being challenged on your thinking that way. You also MUST be out there doing it - meeting loads and loads of people, and THINKING about your interactions afterwards, breaking them down to the point where you can understand every little aspect of why any given person reacted to you the way he or she did, without dismissing behavior or writing it off as silly or stupid or beyond understanding - because there's ALWAYS a reason why people do the things that they do, even if you don't understand it right there in the moment.

I'm not sure if you're the same Bolt as the one who posts on the discussion boards, but if not, a good place to get your feet wet might be taking the Newbie Assignment" for a spin - it's designed to get you thinking about some of this and designed to get you out there doing it, so you're building up your own reference points and your own experiences.

As far as what I studied, nothing of great significance - my experience working as a salesman was far more educational than the education I received at college after it. The best thing I got out of university was the opportunity the degree afforded me to work at a big company, get some great credentials, and get used to having a nice income in a new city. Your real education comes when you relentlessly pour yourself into studying whatever you find most fascinating.


Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, I know you say you gotta stop thinking about that one girl that you screwed up with and move on to other women and meet other women, but the fact of the matter is I simply can not do it.

I never felt such a strong attraction/connection with a girl before and I can't forget about this one girl. I go to a bar down the block with my dog and have like every girl looking at me and it's completely obvious, but I still go back to thinking of this one girl. I'm not turning down other women, but my memory is too strong and I think I'm too emotionally invested in this one girl to forget about her.

How do you get rid of emotional investment once it's made? And do you really have no shot with a girl once she's been on your mind all the time? I've been there before and I did turn into complete mush/nervous reck around her. Is it always the same? Can it be different with a girl that really can't forget about you and puts you above most other guys?

I don't know man. Stuff is brutal when you actually like a girl and you're used to not being interested in 99% of them. It hurts when you screw that up.

Thanks man.

Chase Amante's picture


I assume you've read this article: "Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls."

If you're having trouble controlling obsessive thought patterns, give this one a read, too - all depression is is obsessive rumination, and the same remedies that work for that can work for this as well: "How to Overcome Depression."

That said, if you really want to get rid of the attachment, just ask her out. She's either going to say "yes", in which case you can go dance for joy (but make sure you do bed her and don't make it into something where you go on 20 platonic dates because you're scared to pull the trigger, until you find out she now has someone she's sleeping with), or she's going to say "no" - in which case, time to move on, because your interest is one-sided and she isn't interested back.

Another way - force yourself to think about someone else. Better if you divide that mental energy between several different girls, though, because if you focus it all on one, you'll soon find that you've traded one obsession for another one, often with a girl you hadn't had any feelings for at all before you forced yourself to start thinking about her obsessively. So spread the love, rather than keeping it centered on one single object of your adoration.


Anonymous's picture

Yeah, know about those articles and they're great. I've already went out with this girl and could have had her and screwed it up. She's basically the girl I needed to screw up with to get my shit together. I don't live in the same area as her so I have no choice but to wait until I'm back in the neighborhood. It's pointless and pathetic though. When we first met up there was all the possibilities, could just be lovers, maybe she'd leave with me and we'd get in a relationship, who knows.

Now after screwing up badly the only possibility I guess is to be a lover, but I destroyed that pretty bad. Comes down to how much she likes me and how forgiving she is I guess. And I also screwed up by sending her a voicemail 5 months later- big mistake I think, should have waited until I was back in her area to hit her up. Oh well.

V's picture

Chase, I had the worst luck all day. I am really depressed about it and I feel so weak.
I've been rejected all day, this girl I was sleeling with on the regular doesn't want to sleep with me anymore, I don't know the reason why, maybe because I wouldn't make her my girl like she wanted. I know the sex was good because I applied everything in your sex articles and she comes a lot in a short time, she just dipped off the radar for no reason, so I said ill kick her to the curb.

Then after that I thought why not go out and pick up at the club with my boys, I didn't even want to go out but I remember your article about going out when you dont feel like it, so I went out.

My mistake it was the worst night I've had in my pick up life, I got rejected by every girl I approached, some were aggressive, some were not, I tried smiling, I tried being serious, I tried everything one way then I tried everything another. I got rejected so much but I kept trying, what's worst is I got rejected by a girl and she was messing with my friend, she was dancing with him right in front of me, then her friend messed with my other friend. So my night was completely devastating. My friends got girls and I didn't and I got rejected repeatedly. My friends are hispanic and one of the girls that rejected me was also, I think she didn't like black guys, because every black guy that approached her she was cold to except my friend.

Chase I would really appreciate it with all my heart if you could give me your most detailed answers, because ive never felt so hard like this in my life, im very sad, angry, and bitter,... but also extremely motivated to bounce back.

My Questions are,

1. Have you ever had days like this, where everything with women and life just crashed down and eviscerated you?

2. How did you bounce back?

3. What happened to the girl I was sleeping with? I rocked her world and even treated her nice afterwards, by just talking to her and deep diving. She still talks to me but doesn't want to hang out anymore, what happened?

4. What was wrong with me at the club? My success rates were on a good consistency that I got girls all over me and numbers every time I went out, it was like magic, but this night I got rejected, like a was trash or something, I acted the same way I always do, thought the same, but I got rejected hard by all these girls today, what was I doing wrong?

5. How can I make a comeback stronger than ever? What should I work on?

6. How do I deal with bad days like these?

7. Are bad, off days like these inevitable?

8. How do I make sure it never happens again?

Thank you chase, I hope this never happens again, I felt pretty suicidal.

Thank you!!!!

Chase Amante's picture


Don't worry about the girl you were seeing casually - that's how these things go. Most of those only have about a 3-month lifespan. If you gave her an amazing time and she really enjoyed being with you, there's a good chance she comes back to you a little down the road after she tires of the nice guy she's started seeing and starts longing for an exciting, untamable, masculine man again.

On the night you went out - it sounds like you had a very good night, actually! These nights are always the most painful when you're starting out, but they teach you fortitude and steel you against rejection. Depending on how often you're going out, it can be rough for the first few months of going out regularly and weathering the rejections, but once they stop bothering you too much, you'll find you're in a pretty good place. Being good at pickup is really about shrugging it off when girls who aren't a match for you say "no" and continuing to look for the girls you like whom you hit it off with, too. I've had nights where I've gone through 40 rejections but ended the night by pulling the hottest girl from the nightclub, just as I've had nights where the first girl I talked to was the one I took home. And I've had nights where I talked to 30+ women and absolutely nothing bit. That's just how it goes - you're playing a numbers game.

When you have a bad night, the best thing you can do about it, in my opinion, is go home, write a field report about it (try not to vent too much... although I'll tell you, when I was still new, I used to whine like a little bitch about how hard this was and I should just give up and it clearly didn't work for me, to the point where everyone started asking me to knock it off because it was really depressing), then go to bed, get a good night's rest, and sleep it off, and go right back out again the next night. Worst thing that can happen is you have another bad night, but quite often you'll have a recovery night out the night following a bad night. It's like having a recovery workout when your muscles are sore - it's cathartic.

It will happen again, and you'll never be completely free of it, but once you've cleared the first few months or so (if you're going out regularly enough) of riding the wave of rejections, and they don't really bother you all that much anymore, you'll soon realize you're one of the toughest, thickest-skinned people you know, and that most guys don't have the balls you do to just push it to the hilt, take the rejections on the chin, and keep going anyway until they eventually find a girl they hit it off with.


Anonymous's picture

Chase, whilst saying that your unemployed disqualifies you as a boyfriend by removing you from the possible 'provider' role, does this tactic have a negative effect because of the possibility that it would leave a girl thinking that your just a lay about, day time tv watching dude with nothing to do?

It is true that appearing busy is an attractive quality to girls? Or does appearing busy not matter when it comes to the role of lover?

Because the other way of answering a question of employment would be to give a kind of vague, mysterious answer like you recommended once 'I do a bit of business, some writing and travel a bit' or something of that sort.

Obviously tht method would leave you appearing more
busy and unavaliable, but leave you with potential provider qualities in that you do appear to have some work and could actually be fairly successful.

I guess the former method removes you from the provider role by noting your obvious lack of funds and long term potential ie: won't be able to provide for family. but on the flip side it leaves you looking a bit available and lackin in motivation and not very busy.

The latter method appears to remove you from that provider role by highlighting your obvious unavliability ie: your busy and travel a lot. But on the flip side leves you looking somewhat more desirable and potentially successful.

So which method is more effective in your opinion, Chase?

Chase Amante's picture


If you're not framing it right, yeah. If you're giving women the impression that you're just a bum who watches television, you're doing it wrong - you want women intrigued, and wondering just what it is you do all day, and where the money you use to fund your lifestyle comes from.

Yes, being busy is very attractive to women. Women want men who have things going on in their lives - success, women, action. Men with too much free time clearly are not all that in-demand, and thus, are less valuable / less scarce.

If you see my response to Anonymous above - "Established / Unemployed" - I highlighted the key difference between when you want to hit you're unemployed and just kind of broke, and not really traditionally employed but that you have other things going on. Needless to say, all of these are contingent on you having tight fundamentals and appearing attractive, sexy, magnetic, etc. - if you're just the broke guy with nothing else especially interesting about you, then you're merely a bum... you've got to have things going in your favor to pull off the "mysterious guy who doesn't seem to fit a conventional mold" role.

Also, I'd stay away from the word "unemployed" itself, unless you CLEARLY appear well-off, because it sounds very food stamp-y.


Anonymous's picture

Hey there,

I just wanted to say I found this piece very intriguing and informative. I'm probably a mid-level seducer, I still go through approach anxiety and I can be uncalibrated leading up to isolating a woman, but once we're alone things generally go well. I was just wondering since you mentioned anchoring, if you know of other NLP techniques like the infamous October Man. I don't know much about them, but I'd be interested in learning.

Add new comment

The Latest from